erin: ok. ok. so this is a single? hey, even if this doesn't work out for me, i'm just glad i had the guts to do it. and maybe it will work out for andy. oh, that is absolutely revolting. oh, yeah. he is so good though. yes. the way he just cuts of his arm. if you like james franco, we really should watch "rise of the planet of the apes." well, he's a genius, you know. he was in graduate programs at yale, columbia, and nyu all at the same time. - whoopty-do. that doesn't make you a genius. well, that doesn't make you stupid. well, yeah it does, actually. it makes you real stupid. oh, stupider like you. - no, like you. - like you. you're the stupid one. you're the stupid one. dwight: you. you're the stupid one. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jordan klepper!

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm jordan klepper. we've got so much to talk about tonight. biden says bye, pundits have some explaining to do, and a war breaks out over who ended the war. so let's get into headlines! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] let's kick things off with donald trump. today was a big day for the once and future president: picture day! he took the official photo that will be hanging up in dmvs and airports all over the country, so let's see what sunny face we'll be staring at for the next four years! oh! man! you know what, the wild thing is, this was the "now let's do a silly one." ooh! but there's also another person who's taking his photos down from the white house walls, joe biden. a lot of people are worried

about a second trump presidency, so last night's farewell address was a chance for the president to offer the nation some comfort. >> president biden in his final farewell address from the oval office delivered a stunning warning to the nation on his way out. >> the potential rise of a tech industrial complex that could pose real dangers. an oligarchy is taking shape in america of extreme wealth, power, and influence that literally threatens our entire democracy. >> jordan: okay! [nervous laughter] thanks for the encouragement, mr. president! i'm shitting my pants in comfort. look, i know you've only got a few days left, but don't just give us problems, maybe offer some solutions. "there's a dangerous threat of oligarchy from a rich elite. and that is why i'm pardoning luigi mangione. [cheers and applause] go get 'em, tiger."

just spit falling here. but yes, biden used his last speech as president to warn us about a new american oligarchy. and you can tell the message hit home because of how many people -- and this is true -- immediately went to google to search "what is oligarchy?" and weirdly, google responded: "don't worry about it." turns out, you don't need to google "oligarchy" to understand what it looks like. just tune in to the inauguration this monday. >> nbc news is now reporting that elon musk, jeff bezos, and mark zuckerberg will all three attend donald trump's inauguration next week. >> the ceos of apple and google will be there. >> sam altman from openai. >> tiktok ceo shou chew. >> he was invited to sit on the dais where former presidents and family traditionally sit. >> jordan: ooh! that is right. facebook's at the inauguration, google, amazon. the ceo of zoom will be there wearing a suit top, short

bottoms. the ceo of uber will be there in two minutes -- maybe five minutes! you know what, they are looking for a new ceo. even the ceo of vine will be there. [audience reacts] well, he'll be panhandling outside, but he'll be near there. but the inauguration guest list can't just be billionaires who get off reading your dms. there has to be more. who else is trump inviting to watch him take the oath of office? >> performing at trump's inauguration will be familiar names from his campaign, including kid rock, lee greenwood, and the village people. >> first responders from butler county, pennsylvania, where trump survived that first assassination attempt will also march in the parade. and the maga garbage truck that went viral during the campaign will reportedly hit the streets of washington, d.c. during the inauguration day parade. >> jordan: wow! trump's bringing back all the characters from the campaign like it's the "seinfeld" finale. we're going to be watching from home like,

"look, it's the cats and dogs from springfield! and they're wearing trump's ear bandage!" i mean, they're even bringing the garbage truck? he used it as a prop in one campaign stunt, and now it's going to be in the parade! it's not even going to drive itself. it's going to ride in the back of a limo! now that this garbage truck is a maga celebrity, the sky's the limit. it's going to get its own right-wing podcast, join the white house staff, then every trump sycophant is going to start sucking up to it, then finally, reporters will catch the truck getting a handjob from kimberly guilfoyle in the rose garden. tale as old as time! but i will say, this inauguration list must be so embarrassing for anyone who didn't get an invite. sean spicer is going to be like, "does anyone know if the garbage truck has a plus one?" but let's move on, because while the new presidency is about to begin, there's a frenzy of

activity happening at the end of the current presidency. yesterday, president biden announced a breakthrough in the war in the middle east: phase one of a ceasefire between israel and hamas. and what i found really uplifting is how we finally sealed the deal. >> new reporting this morning that there was extraordinary cooperation between the outgoing and incoming administrations. >> "the new york times" reports there was coordination between both presidential teams, and that each directed their advisers to work together to push israel and hamas over the finish line. >> jordan: look at this. you see this? this is truly inspiring. two administrations, two rivals, working together to make the world a better place. focusing on what's important: creating peace in the world, not petty fights over who gets the credit. >> does this deal belong to biden or trump? who do you give credit to? >> it could not have happened without trump. >> this is president biden's negotiation. >> if donald trump wasn't elected in november, none of this would have been happening. >> this credit goes to joe biden. joe biden is the

president -- >> not 100%. that's not fair. >> jordan: people, what is all this arguing about? there's enough credit for everyone who deserves it: the presidents, the diplomats, and most importantly, everyone who changed their profile pics. you are welcome. but hey, what else do you expect from the media? stirring up drama is their thing. i'm sure the two statesmen at the heart of the negotiations are content to share the credit. >> president-elect trump wasted no time angling for credit on the ceasefire deal we've been talking about this morning, posting on his social media site that, quote, "this epic ceasefire agreement could have only happened as a result of our historic victory in november." >> how much credit do you give to the trump team for this deal? trump is already taking credit for it. >> well, you know, this is the exact framework of the deal i proposed back in may -- exact. >> jordan: first off, joe, i

don't think that's the brag you think it is. "everyone's been ignoring this thing since may! then something happened, i don't know!" and donald, can you just throw this man a bone, please? haven't you done enough to poor joe? you took his second term, you took his legacy, you took his wife to go see "babygirl" together! can't you just share a little credit with him? but guys, a little perspective here. the important thing isn't who gets credit! the important thing is that after over a year of war, we finally have a ceasefire! >> a new wrinkle in the hostage ceasefire deal. >> israel's war cabinet a short time ago delayed a vote to officially ratify the deal because they say hamas has reneged on some parts of the agreement. >> jordan: like i said, the important thing is we thought about having a ceasefire! and what a fun couple of hours it was! for more analysis on the ceasefire deal, we turn to desi lydic and michael kosta. [cheers and applause]

michael, i want to start with you. michael, isn't it counterproductive to be debating credit and picking sides? >> it sure is, jordan. because all the credit belongs to donald trump! he gets the credit! give him all the peace points! he's an unhinged mad man who threatened to unleash hell. it goes to show that completely over-the-top threats work. you don't believe me? i will [bleep] annihilate you. i hate my life, and i got nothing to lose! >> michael, you've got plenty to lose, including this argument. because this was all biden. trump's just a little kid thinking he opened the pickle jar, when joe biden had been loosening it for months. give him the peace points. seven peace points for joe biden. >> jordan: guys, what the hell are peace points? >> it's the points you get for peace. and they go to donald trump! he's basically the president now. >> the president now is joe biden! this was all joe biden.

>> jordan: hold on, i'm getting some breaking news. it sounds like the deal may be falling apart. >> like i was saying, this was all donald trump. he's basically the president right now. >> you're flip-flopping! you're flip-flopping! >> jordan: so you maintain that this was trump's deal, kosta? >> absolutely not. donald trump's not even close to being the president. he can't even win peace points yet. >> but he can lose peace points. and that means he's minus 26! >> jordan: what the [bleep] are peace points? >> think about them like a pickle jar. >> oh, come on! this entire deal is because of joe biden! >> hold on, i'm getting word the deal might be back on. >> joe biden's replacement, donald trump. you did it, big guy! congrats! >> you're pathetic, kosta. joe biden did this! hold on, i'm getting an alert, just want to make sure it's not about the deal. oh, okay, it's fine, my kid's just missing. anyway, joe biden did middle east peace! >> jordan: guys, can't there be a compromise here?

for the sake of unity, surely you can come to an agreement on sharing the credit. >> i guess we could split the credit. in phase one, biden gets the credit until trump takes over. >> right, then in phase two, trump takes the credit for six weeks. >> and then if the peace holds, in phase three, both sides will co-exist peacefully, sharing the credit. each of them both get... >> four peace points. >> four peace points. >> jordan: wow, i still have no idea what peace points are. but the fact you guys achieved this agreement is historic. well done. >> thank you. it was my idea. >> no, i get the credit! remember the pickle analogy? i loosened the deal! >> it's my credit, and if you talk about pickles one more time, i will kill you! i hate my life! i have nothing to lose! >> jordan: all right, we'll have to go back to the negotiating table. desi lydic and michael kosta, everyone! [cheers and applause] when we come back, we'll find out why kamala didn't win the election. don't go away. [cheers and applause]

( ♪♪) you never want to lose your edge. and the lexus rx completely understands that. (♪♪) [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." before the election, we sent grace kuhlenschmidt to ask election analysts who they predicted would win the presidential race. now, two months later, she followed up with some of those predictions. ♪ ♪ >> last time i was in

washington, d.c., was just two months ago, which feels like a lifetime. i was so young and naive, looking for answers. >> what is your prediction for this election, 2024? >> and he gave them to me. >> kamala harris will become the first woman president. >> but alan was wrong. >> donald trump has been elected president. >> can you admit you got it wrong with your foolish little equation? >> you got it wrong, allan. >> you got it wrong! >> stupidly wrong! >> allan, i seriously trusted you. >> wealth -- >> no. it is not your turn to talk yet. i seriously trusted you. and i thought that what you told me was the truth. ♪ ♪ >> i was being honest -- >> [crying] >> you weren't, allan! >> it was a prediction, not a

fact that i told you. i am a human being, right? >> you didn't tell me that you were a human being. >> i certainly didn't mean to hurt anyone. i am not psychic. my predictions are based on history and this year, which you know is the craziest year ever, the pattern of history was broken. that can happen. >> did you even noticed i got a haircut? >> i actually did. it looks great. >> i agree. it really frames my face. if only allan's political judgment was as good as his taste in haircuts. but it wasn't. and i needed to know why. >> what are some of your excuses? >> i definitely think i was thrown off by pushing biden out. we have never seen a sitting president, the elected nominee, forced out. so that leaves me to perhaps reevaluate my call on the contest. >> yeah, i knew that was stupid and i was going to tell you but

i didn't want to womansplain. >> the bottom line is, i do think harris' race and gender played a role here. there are deep streams within this country of misogyny, racism, xenophobia. >> i wish you had told me that the first time. could have maybe thrown that in there. >> and to be fair, allan was not the only thought leader who got this prediction wrong. >> have you talked to charli xcx about this or anything? >> talked to who? >> charli xcx? >> i may be not hear you right. >> charli xcx. >> charlie xcs, i don't know who that is. >> she said that kamala is brat. at this point, i was thinking that perhaps trump was more brat. but you enter have not spoken? >> we have not spoken. >> i was secretly glad they

hadn't spoken because that would make me crazy jealous, which is an issue have been working on with my therapist. but did allan have any regrets of his own? >> are you thinking, why did i ever get into politics? why didn't i, you know, just stick to modeling or something? >> this is one prediction in over 40 years. i was listed as number 85 of the world's hundred leading geopolitical experts. but people think, oh, he made a wrong prediction, that invalidates him as a person. it's crazy. >> i one time was a native an uber, and there was an ipad that said, what song does a dog make? bark was right there. i clicked moo. lucky for me, it was not my dog. it had no impact on my life. >> i would like to say one more thing. >> please. >> yes. we shouldn't just write off an error. we can learn a lot about our

politics and our society from analyzing the mistake. >> wow! yeah. >> if you can't learn from your mistakes, then you are in big trouble. >> you know what, allan, i forgive you. and i hope that we are back here in four years. >> i hope so -- >> and i hope you are right that time. >> the great benjamin, the former late prime minister of england once said, finality is not a word we use in politics. >> i think charlie asked the said that. >> what's that? >> i think charli xcx said that. >> what? >> every time you say that, i kind of go, what? it's not a name that rings any bells with me. [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> jordan: thank you, grace. when we come back, democratic representative tom suozzi will be joining me on the show, so don't go away.

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[cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> jordan: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a democrat who represents new york's third congressional district. please welcome u.s. representative tom suozzi! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> jordan: a lot of suozzi heads tonight. they are into it. >> they are here for klepper, not for suozzi. >> jordan: i didn't want to say it. we share the love that is here. you have a lot on your plate. monday is the inauguration. >> oh, my gosh. [laughter]

i will be there. >> jordan: you are not going to storm the capitol? >> they did that already. >> jordan: did the democrats meet together whether you will try to stop it? >> we will be there. we can't stop it. >> jordan: you can't stop the proceedings. maybe if you worked a little bit harder during the election, you could have. i am just spit-balling here. >> just rub it in, jordan. >> jordan: i'm curious, you wrote an op-ed a few weeks ago, essentially, democrats should meet trump halfway rather than be a party of no. for you, i'm curious, does that mean 7.5 million deportations instead of 15 million deportations? how does one meet the republicans halfway? >> you've got to resist when it's appropriate. when he was the president before, we resisted, i resisted, when he wanted to get rid of the affordable care act. you have to resist when he wants to deport the dreamers. now if he wants weaponize the doj, you have to resist. if he wants to get rid of the climate stuff we've done, we have to resist. there's things we have to resist on. but the people want us to work together to try to solve problems and we have tried all

the stuff of just tearing him down as much as we can. and it didn't work. he won. now people want us to work together to address the border, to address cost-of-living and inflation, to address the things that really happen in their lives. >> jordan: people do want things to get done, right? but in 2016, it felt like the democrats' angle was to be a party of no, to be obstructionist, and they won the midterms, there was success after that, joe biden was the next president. is that a winning strategy? being obstructionist, being resisting, if not leading to electoral victory this past election, had some successes in 2016 and 2018. >> let me make a prediction. the democrats are going to win in 2024. [cheers and applause] but -- >> jordan: in 2024? >> what year did i say? >> jordan: you said 2024. >> what year are we in now? >> jordan: aren't we in 2025? >> why did you guys clap for that? i was just testing and you guys failed completely. 2026. [laughter] >> jordan: let's start with

math and work towards 2026. >> the math major. >> jordan: i was a math major. i know what is in the past and what is in the future. so you think 2026 -- >> 2026, we are going to win. let's try that again. in 2026, we are going to win. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: we are not editing around that. we are leaving that in. our politicians are fallible. this is what we are learning here. >> i am human. >> jordan: you are human. >> the bottom line is that people are really sick -- i talk to people all the time. if you do a good job in elected office, is you talk to people. and people are sick and tired of everybody fighting with each other all the time. >> jordan: but the republicans are also dictating these conversations. i know sometimes from a political standpoint, you are getting pulled in these culture wars. but the democrats aren't necessarily bringing those culture wars up. and they want to stand up -- here is what i'm curious about. you have been faced with very real bills to pass and what to support, where to throw your name behind.

you just voted for stronger regulations at the border but there was recently, a week ago, the national ban on transgender girls in women sports. you voted against that ban. how do you walk this line? >> it's not easy, it's very tough. the bottom line is, donald trump and the republicans have been master pickpockets. what do pickpockets do? they work in teams. one person bumps into you and when you are jostled because you are bumped into, the other person picks your pocket. so they use issues like transgender, they spend $200 million on transgender commercials and the democrats never responded. while the people are all excited, we got to worry about protecting social security and protecting medicare. so we can't let ourselves be distracted with by -- even the border to some extent was an effort to get people all pumped up while they were doing other stuff. the best example is trump just came out a week ago and he said, panama canal, greenland, and

change the gulf of mexico to the gulf of america. what happened to reducing the price of eggs and gasoline that you said it so easy to do? what happened to ending the ukrainian war in one day? so he's a master of distraction. so i recognize that and i think the people need to recognize that we can't allow ourselves to be distracted by some of these issues. [applause] we've got to get back to the basic messages. the basic messages that affect people's lives. and how much money you make, and what is your health insurance, and pension plan is the most basic thing for so many people in our country. and if we can get back to those basic messages, the democrats will win over and over and over again. we can't let ourselves be distracted. >> jordan: here, here. [applause] you are taking the seat once held by george santos. do you follow his career closely?

do you ever think that after you get out of doing your time here, when you are finished with your term in 2062, do you ever wish that you could follow his trajectory and get on cameo? >> no. i have had a history and politics of winning and losing and everybody i get involved with ends up getting in trouble. so don't mess with me. you can run against me but if you beat me, your life is over after that. [laughter] >> jordan: lovely. [laughter] well. congressman tom suozzi. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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at harbor freight, we do business differently from the other guys. we design and test our own tools and sell them directly to you. no middleman. just quality tools you can trust at prices you'll love. [cheers and applause] >> jordan: that's our show for tonight but before we go, please consider supporting the california fire foundation. they are on the ground working with local fire agencies and community organizations to provide support to impacted residents. if you can, please donate at the link below. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> christopher heading to washington, d.c., for a performance like none other. ♪ ♪

>> macchio will be singing the national anthem on monday at president-elect donald trump's inauguration. >> he has an ipad pro in front of him at the dinner table and he basically plays a very eclectic playlist of selections. >> sorry. ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ where are you going? i'm going to quagmire's to get some hand-me-downs. his dad-mom sent over some boxes of men's clothes from back before the ol' chippety-choppety.

[groans] you shouldn't wear people's old, dirty clothes. well, i'm a dirty guy, lois. haven't you ever seen my naughty, late-night, party-line commercials? hey, are you lonely? do you like to party with hot girls? what about horsing around with fat guys? well, what are you waiting for? give us a call. i'll be on the toilet, wearing a t-shirt that's so long i have to hold it under my chin while i wipe. wow, your dad doesn't use this dickie anymore? that's crazy. why would anyone get rid of a perfectly good dickie? i see what you're doing, and cut it out. hey, what are these? oh, my god, i haven't seen these in years! what do you got there? some kind of home movie from the orient? no, no, this is winter summer. it was a korean soap opera that i was in. you were in a korean soap opera? yeah, back when the navy had me stationed in busan, i saw an ad in the paper for guys over five-foot-four,