♪ da na na na na ♪ ♪ da na na na na ♪ [whistling] i thought i'd come in casual today. man, i'm hungry. anyone else feel like a beet? where did you get those? what, these? bernard farms. best beets in the state. i see what you are doing. but i do not know where you are going with this. well, you will. as soon as you visit my new beet farm. captioning by dave l at captionmax www.captionmax.com ow. you're supposed to cook these, aren't you? [scoffs] cornell. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... a very special special report. "the daily show" presents inauguration 2025, the second and likely final trump inauguration, with your host, jon stewart!

♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: boom! boom, boom! hey! [cheers and applause] welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart! [cheers and applause] i'm your host on this most historic vibe shift of a day. donald j. trump, the 45th president of the united states, a man whose licentious and felonious behavior has been well cataloged and documented, returned to the capitol rotunda.

just four short years after inspiring, in that very place, a day of riotous shit-[bleep]ery. shit-[bleep]ery. returned to the exact same room! now generally, if this were a "dateline" documentary, he would return to that room to express a form of repentance and maturity and acknowledgment of the pain that had been wrought on that terrible day. but in this show that we are filming now, it's to be sworn in as the 47th president of the united states, and as with most returning to the scene of the crime, it began with... tea! with the people you tried to steal it from! >> a short time ago, president joe biden greeted mr. and mrs. trump at the white house for tea, an inaugural tradition. >> jon: always important to keep

up the tea tradition when you hand over the keys to -- i'm sorry, what did you call him... hitler? but got to be a good host! "the wifi password is "whitehouse." but i changed the "i" to a "1." i hope that's not weird." i'm not saying biden should have done his own insurrection, but there's got to be a happy medium between storming the capitol and "would you like a crumpet?" but everyone showed up! yes, it's the supreme court! taxiing in -- [boos] oh, please. they're taxiing them in like the private jets some of them take to caged pheasant hunts. all very legal! and america's illustrious senators like amy klobuchar and deb fisher and... of course, hakeem jeffries with her and -- fetterman was -- come on! fetterman! really? shorts? it's not even an inaugural

decorum thing. it's [bleep] freezing out there! it is a health concern. fetterman is literally america's teenage son. "it's your grandma's funeral!" "i told you, i don't like long pants!" "fine, be cold!" even the president's family attended, most of whom didn't have to be warned "not to do that weird [bleep] thing with your hands." "hey, don't do that with your hands! can you just be normal for a day?" what was he doing? literally like, look at my dick. what? no? okay, okay. but not to worry, also attending were all those people who warned americans to shun this

wannabe-fascist-dictator called trump! look at me, ma! ooh! let's go see hitler and get a quick selfie. a quick one for the gram! yes, former president obama was there. george bush seemed kind of there. definitely high. even mike pence showed up! i guess to let the crowd finish the job. [audience reacts] [applause] only michelle obama seemed to have the consistent ethical stance of saying, "when they go low, i am staying home!" [cheers and applause] i don't care. i am staying home. of course, jill biden was there, making the strategic choice of

keeping her purse on, which as you know is the international symbol of "i can't stay long." but the award for most useful fashion accessory went to the ever-stylish melania trump, whose audrey hepburn-esque chapeau, or head cloche, as it's called, doubled as an effective -- [cheers and applause] if you don't control your borders, you don't have a head! meanwhile, many dignitaries went not only hat-less, but hairless! with a plethora of stocky, bald billionaires who all seemed to go to the same biohack life extension clinic and say, "give me the lex luthor." yes, taking the place of seats

normally reserved for democratic or republican governors, sat zuck, bezos, tim cook, elon, tiktok guy, and google guy. the six guys who control maybe 20% of the world's wealth and 100% of your nudes. you don't need to pretend with me. i don't know what he's talking about. delete, delete, delete. populism, ladies and gentlemen! shouldn't this gathering be happening in a volcano's lair near zurich? or are we just open source illuminati now? where's the conspiracy fun in that? honestly, there is not a useful app of communication not controlled by at least one of these individuals. and you may not be concerned

that they've all ponied up a million dollars to be sitting there and are kissing the ass of a president who openly threatens non-ass-kissers, but trust me, shit's going to get weird. even by that afternoon, shit got weird. >> this appearance of elon musk at an earlier trump rally is getting loads of attention because of a one-armed gesture he made. >> this one really mattered. and i just want to say thank you for making it happen. thank you. [audience reacts] >> jon: okay. charitably, i'm going to say that just was an awkward "my heart goes out to you" gesture. many of you might have done it like this.

even taylor swift has done this. she always does "my heart" but i've never seen the "goes out to you!" just always stays with -- but listen, it is a [bleep] nerve-racking day. you are not normally a public speaker. it was one-off gesture. please just try not to use it again. son of a bitch! you really want to make sure the people in the back see it, i guess. i'm just going to be generous and say it was elon's attempt at dabbing on the haters? i don't -- by the way, do people still dab on haters? was not a very old man -- okay. wasn't that a thing at one time? [cheers and applause]

no, i think it is important in these troubled times to continue to dab on haters. but don't be concerned that these tech titans control google and tiktok and whatsapp and instagram and x and any other way we communicate in the year of our lord 2025. because you know, they are not going to censor us. doesn't matter anyway, because i know in my heart, we don't need any of that! because we'll always have you, messenger pigeon. no! no! how dare you, sir! why, messenger, pigeon, why would you turn on me? i let you live in a cage on my roof surrounded by your own shit! did you know, i asked them to make that animation at like 5:00 tonight. literally. with everything else going on in the show and i was literally

like, "could you make me a page in doing this?" they were just like, sure. anyway. then it was time for the swearing in on the... kind of the bible? yes, it turns out, trump didn't put his hand on the bible because, obviously, one or the other would burst into flames. perhaps both. and so, ladies and gentlemen, the torch has been passed from biden to trump. the torch has been passed to the same generation of americans. let's hear from the 47th president, fresh off the warm embrace of a tea ceremony with his predecessor. >> my recent election is a mandate to completely and totally reverse a horrible betrayal and all of these many betrayals that have taken place.

>> jon: [whispering] he's right behind you! luckily, i don't think he can hear you! [speaking in normal voice] yes, the inaugural speech followed the american tradition of a passive aggressive transfer of power. the incoming american president gets to completely shit on the outgoing american president in front of that president and hopefully his spouse. >> in recent years, our nation has suffered greatly. record inflation. trying to socially engineer race and gender. disastrous invasion of our country. the radical and corrupt establishment. vicious, violent, and unfair weaponization. from this moment on, america's decline is over. >> jon: this is a tumultuous time in american history filled with much uncertainty and trepidation, but it is very

difficult for me to not in any way take the bait of the way he said "decline." it really did sound like he said our "dick line," like the line of our dick. so you can see america's dick line? how are you going to end our dick line? with a tuck, or is this a full reassignment? or is this more about fetterman's shorts? what about our dick line? i am a child.

but as bad as things were, guess what, folks, daddy's home! it's about to get a whole lot better. >> the golden age of america begins right now. from this day forward, our country will flourish. the american dream will soon be back and thriving like never before. we will win like never before. we will be a rich nation again. we will bring prices down, fill our strategic reserves up again. we will drill, baby, drill. >> jon: i think i just saw j.d. vance's dick line. drill, baby, drill. but for all the day's eerie energy, one thing stood out to america's watchdogs of democracy. >> we have watched as the 47th president of the united states has been sworn in. the cornerstone of democracy. >> this is the true transfer of power here of the current president and the former president, making this walk.

>> this process is what distinguishes the united states from a lot of other parts of the world. >> jon: yeah, it's all just normal shit. it's just another day. it's all just normal transfer of power shit the red raiders going to play along like all of this theater is normal. oh, except there was one thing that might have given the game away. >> with just 20 minutes or so left in his presidency, we've just gotten word from president biden that he is pardoning his brothers, their wives, his sister, other family members. he says that he is doing this because baseless and politically motivated investigations wreak havoc on the lives of individuals. >> jon: it's all just normal. first of all, biden, you're at the inauguration. did you auto-schedule your pardons? and second of all, what the [bleep], man? you are just pardoning your whole family?

it's not a great look! yes, like any good captain, as the ship was going down, biden gave the order: "that lifeboat is for my family! jack and rose kinda thing. the rest of you can do a jack and rose kind thing. one on, one off! it's a 50-50 shot! biden outie"! so the takeaway of this day was the traditional, peaceful of power, and the outgoing president has started a new tradition of blanket-pardoning everyone in his orbit, the two men of them creating a magnificent snake-sucking-its-own-dick cycle of no accountability. and then of course, we end with the grand finale. the attack on greenland has begun! [cheers and applause]

what are you going to do? for more on the day's events, we go out to the best [bleep] news team in the country. starting at the capitol with michael kosta and desi lydic! [cheers and applause] michael kosta, we'll start with you. [cheers and applause] my friend, what's the mood over there at the inaugural parties? >> jon, it's incredible. donald trump hasn't even been president for one whole day, but already unemployment is down, gas is low, my vertical jump increased half an inch, and the stock market is... soaring! >> jon: i think obviously a lot of that economic stuff was happening before noon today. >> i don't think so. also, trump made eggs cheap again! i mean, we can eat 10, 20, 30 of these a day! jon, they're literally selling them by the dozen!

my albumin levels are... soaring! >> jon: desi lydic, you are down there as well. you've been covering blue washington as it were. >> jon, i'm with the #resistance and they are appalled by what they're seeing. the executive orders. the renaming of military bases. >> jon: they've already renamed them after confederate generals? >> no, hitler! it's just fort hitler now. it's overwhelming, jon. >> jon: all right, well, try and stay safe, desi. >> jon, if i could just say something? >> jon: i'm sorry, yes, josh johnson? [cheers and applause] where are you? >> i'm at the martin luther king memorial. today was also mlk day. there was a march honoring a man that represented the best about america. just wanted to put that out there.

>> jon: okay, fantastic. good to keep in mind. >> jon, can i interrupt? >> jon: yes, michael. >> i just thought of some more egg stuff. egg salad, egg creams, egg nog, yoni eggs, eggplants. thanks to trump, these things are now super cheap now and the best part about eggs, jon, they never expire. >> jon: that's definitely not true. >> well, okay, we'll see what the new secretary of health and human services has to say about that. right after he legalizes raw milk. >> you know, speaking of the letters m, l, and k -- [laughter and cheering] let me tell you about someone else we should be celebrating today. black guy, preacher, [speaks like mlk] and he talked a lot like this. >> the black guy from the movie "selma?" >> no!

yeah, but no! >> jon, i have an update from resistance headquarters that the cheetos-man is not going to like. >> jon: yes, desi? new initiatives? is there another march? >> not going to be necessary. i'm hearing rachel maddow is coming back five days a week. and when she compares what's happening now to the shays rebellion of 1787... whoo, boy! i would not want to be trump. >> excuse us. >> excuse us. >> jon: is that grace kuhlenscmhidt and troy iwata? [cheers and applause] >> ugh, we're being recognized again. >> jon: why are you dressed like a caveman and a robot? >> hmm? oh, we were understudies for the village people. >> yeah, if the cop or native american gets sick, then caveman and robot step in. >> jon: aren't you guys a

little ashamed about performing at the trump inauguration? >> do we look like we're capable of shame, jon? besides, this is fun. much like it's fun to stay at the ymca. >> jon: yeah, that's -- >> you know where it's not fun to stay? [cheers and applause] >> jon: how did he do that? >> it's not fun to stay at a birmingham jail. >> josh, can't we just talk about this on another day? >> it is literally the day to talk about it! damn it! am i the only one who thinks it's [bleep] crazy that martin luther king day is happening at the same time as trump is taking power? a man who staged violent resistance is being rewarded with power to the diminishment of our greatest leader of nonviolent resistance! this cannot hold! >> and it won't. it's just been renamed martin luther trump day. [audience reacts] >> jon: the best [bleep] news team, everybody.

[cheers and applause] when we come back, brooke harrington will be joining me. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

ketchup in my opinion, it's the epitome of where art meets science. everything from flavor, to color, to texture.... is scrutinized. am i a ketchup nerd? absolutely. [cheers and applause] >> jon: hello, everybody. welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an economic sociologist at dartmouth college who studies the behavior of the ultrarich.

her latest book is called "offshore: stealth wealth and the new colonialism." please welcome to the program brooke harrington! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> i am so happy to be here. >> jon: you have studied all of our, you have studied the ultrarich. as you were watching today, i would assume, you were struck by the scenes of the collegial atmosphere. >> yeah. >> jon: am i -- was that odd? do we normally see all the titans of industry's and things in the front row, the box seats? >> no. this is really different and in fact, i was reflecting on how different this is, even from russian oligarchy --

>> jon: don't now. okay, th that hurts. >> sorry. at least putin had a very clear redline with his oligarchs. the grand bargain of the early 2000s was he was going to let them get rich on condition that they kept their noses out of his political business. at most, they would be his errand boys for some diplomatic missions on their superyachts, for example, and it ended there, and he made a huge example in oil chairman who dared to stand up for transparency and human rights in russia and that earned him almost a decade in russian prison and seizure of all of its assets by putin. he was lucky to escape with his life. >> jon: so you are not expecting any of our oligarchs to be like them "hey, watch what you are doing?" none of that? >> no. what trump has done is so extraordinary. he does not have the line with

the new oligarchs of america at all. he said, you bought it, do what you want. >> jon: he has blended them. this, he has brought them in to the table, but is there may be something better about that because the explicit bargain is, now you have to give us money or you have to bring business to america? >> for me, as an american, this is not good news because i like democracy. >> jon: tell me more about this. i want to hear it. [cheers and applause] i like the sound of it. >> yeah. >> jon: but i'm afraid i'm going to have to be sold. >> yeah, well, the thing about the broligarchs -- >> jon: stop. that is not trademarked. broligarch. nice. >> so we had olig oligarchs ande pats in america. we've had carnegie's and rockefellers, but aside from making sure they did not get regulated or taxed too much, they kind of stuck to their own

business. they just want to get rich. but the broligarchs really happened next was a political agenda and it is essentially antidemocratic and also monarchical. >> jon: so you see them more as, they are in the king's court, and the world has been returned to the more natural order of noblesse oblige or something along those lines? >> well, they are going for noblesse without the oblige. they want all of the privileges without the responsibilities. without any sense of social norms constraining them. they are all about nothing can constrain me. look at what happened with the e.u. try to impose its own laws on elon musk. j.d. vance, not even the vice president yet, rolls up on the e.u. and says, you leave our boy alone or we are going to pull out of out of nato. >> jon: wait, that is what he said?

you made this sound very crips versus bloods. >> well, there is -- >> jon: j.d. vance rolled up on the e.u.? he just got out of his benz and got inside and went, "listen to me?" >> with the eyeliner and everything. >> jon: craziness! [applause] so they are explicitly -- but then what is the political philosophy? is it just the great man theory, that, you know, the irony of a populist movement relying on the great men to control all that happens? >> it sounds a lot, actually, like the divine right of kings, but with a pseudoscientific spin. so that is where you get all of those elon burros talk about being high t also males. that is just a 21st century way of saying, god said i am the king and you will need to bow down.

>> jon: at some level, don't you think they are just trolling people with that? do you actually believe they think, i have a high sperm sperm count -- >> [shutters] >> jon: listen, i don't know how we went off the rails on that. but that feels a little bit like how much of this is trolling, and memes, and how much of it -- for me, they feel a little bit like -- look, we had a gilded age. it doesn't seem that different from the gilded age that ushered in industrialization -- although, now, it is more on the digital side yard with that be a charitable way of putting it? >> well, i think it is different from the gilded age and two important ways. one is the release of the oblige part of noblesse oblige. these guys are totally released from the constraints of social norms that said it was stigmatizing to sit on your wealth like a dragon on the

heart of gold. you had to show that you were doing something for society. >> jon: is that why? when you look at the national parks of rockefeller or you look at all about, that is why those guys did that? >> they didn't necessarily have to be fans of humanity, but they cared about the reputations, and in order to keep a decent reputation, you had to be seen to do something. you know, throwing the public a bone, as it were. >> jon: but isn't that what these oligarchs now, isn't that what their first wives were for? isn't that, like, what it seems like now, they divorced her first wife and their first life is like, give this all to planned parenthood. is that the oblige that is coming on? >> i only know about the case of mckenzie bezos. >> jon: i think melinda gates does as well. >> she is doing her part. but it almost seems, like, a middle finger to the ex-hu

ex-husbands. like, i will show you the proper use of wealth, you s.o.b. >> jon: really? [cheers and applause] so let's talk about, when we look at the russian oligarchs, you talk about, putin is utilizing the wealth of these men, i guess, to fund some of his endeavors or just the amassing of that money covers his own corruption? >> my understanding -- i'm not a rush expert for my understanding from reading the work of people who are is it is sort of like a pyramid scheme or a mafia operation, come over the sit at the top and takes a percentage of what the lower-level henchmen are getting. so he takes a chunk of the oil and he takes a chunk of the gas and that way, he stays the wealthiest man in the world. >> jon: they are earners. so vladimir putin runs a herbalife. that is what this is? >> yeah. >> jon: and for trump come he

looks at it as, like, i will take my power that i have in government and i will amplify it through industry. but through industry, look, it is almost better to me that it is this explicit. i feel like now we have a number on what this type of crony capitalism looks like. elon gave $270 million to get donald trump elected. he made come after the election, something like $210 billion. now we have a number on it. we know what they're access to government is worth. is that transparency better for us to even no? can we do anything about it if we don't even no? >> well, i think you make a good point. it's better that we know and that it not be happening in whispers that we can't really define in any way. it is all cars on the table now. and it is almost like it is

being robbed in our faces. >> jon: right. how do you battle? so when you have something that is the state power of the united states which is utterly enormous, combined with the corporate power. i was viewed government in some ways as hopefully a check on cos a lubricant, what does that turn into? again, i apologize. >> [laughs] >> jon: i just realized. >> you went right from -- [laughter] it is obviously something very dangerous because what we are seeing here is the total release of all democratic constraint and all pretense to social norms that used to constrain these people. >> jon: right. >> they are totally unfettered and access to power and in their sense of what it is okay to do with that power. >> jon: but were we kidding ourselves in some ways -- i saw a gentleman who was trying to become the new dnc chairman, martin, i think his name was. and he had said about money and

politics, oh, yeah, we are going to get all of that money out. we are going to have our good billionaires but we are not going to take any money from the bad billionaires. and it reminded me. i once had nancy pelosi on and she said money corrupts and policy. so what about the money that democrats have? oh, no, that does not corrupt. there is the sense that it is only those actors that are bad. i mean, the oligarchs gained trillions during the biden presidency. >> yeah. >> jon: so are we kidding ourselves that this wasn't in place just not may be as stated as clearly? >> i would want to move away from individualistic explanations of good billionaires and bad billionaires. and talk about, like, what do we as a society say we are not going to let you get away with that? because historically, that has been the only thing that has constrained the really rich. if you go all the way back to the medici in the 1400s, they were necessarily good people but

they were the richest people in europe. the reason we had the renaissance and all the great works of art is because their society would not let them get away with just sitting on their hordes of wealth and enjoying it for their own benefit. they had to do something for their society. >> jon: does that mean we are allowing ourselves to be bought off? is the idea being like, look, you guys amass what you need to amass at the top, you pull the strings, you want to pull, we need two parks? like, how -- and this gets to a larger conversation about labor and capital. how does american labor tap into that money stream? because that money stream is built on the backs of american labor, yet, they don't have access to it. what if we allow them their excess but rather than philanthropy, is there a way to attach -- to make american labor also a shareholder in that? >> yes, but you could say it is the hard way, so to speak.

one of the wealth managers i spoke to in the course of studying offshore finance over 17 years, he was a historian. he trained as a historian at one of the oxbridge schools in the u.k. >> jon: one of the finest historian institutes. >> [laughs] and he was very candid about his role in making rich people richer at the expense of the rest of us. he said, well, once that ball gets rolling, it becomes quite difficult to stop it short of revolutions or mass general strikes. and i think historically, that is what we have seen. we are at levels of wealth inequality unseen since the gilded age. and what happened then? well, we had a world war, we had a pandemic, and then we had the rise of fascism. and in between then, we had a lot of labor action in the u.s. if labor unions are able to muster enough power to stand up to some of these 19s, they could

be a force for good. >> jon: it is so dispiriting to hear that same message for labor of, like, "you guys just need to get together and get better lobbyists." and there is something here that seems almost more difficult which is this rise of populism mirroring this gilded age. you know, fascism was not blended with the gilded age. the industrial age was. so i don't know that we have seen this before. and i hesitate to say that. but it does seem unusual. >> and you know what is really kind of surprising to me about this is that what is really needed here is a way for people to coalesce and organize themselves, to stand up to these individual accumulations of power in the hands of the broligarchs. >> jon: for the law is not on our side. the law is saying that corporations are people, money is speech. so how do you -- boy, i hate to see someone who study this for so long to you, go, "you know it is terrible to

me." i am like, "what! no!" you study this! >> as you correctly pointed out, where does the wealth come from? it comes from labor. if labor gets together and says, we are not going to stand for this anymore, or if consumers get together and say, we are not going to stand for this anymore, there are way more of those than there are of them. the problem is, the weird twist in the wonderful world of the internet and social media is that rather than giving us a means to coalesce and come together, it has divided us into these little bubbles or camps that are at war with one another. >> jon: which i am guessing now is may be the overt strategy. >> yeah. >> jon: in many ways, that is how they generate the income. because the overt strategy of the algorithm is to conflict and outrage. >> just last week, there was a scholarly journal article published by some political scientists in the netherlands

that looked at who generates the most misinformation on social media, and they found it was really asymmetric. it's almost all coming from right-wing populists and it's not an accident. that is there a strategy. >> jon: holy shit. for a second, i thought you were going to save me. -- s say me. made me really nervous. "offshore" is the book. it's available now. brooke harrington! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applaus

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, mr. ronny chieng! ronny! [cheers and applause] what do you got for the rest of the week, my friend? >> jon, before we lean into the trump years, i'm going to spend this week fondly remembering the incredible four years america had under joe biden: a president of faith, compassion, and courage. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you know he's out of office and can't give out any more pardons, you know that, right? >> oh, i see, i see. well, then i'll be spending this week talking about the biden

crime family and how only president trump has the courage to take them down. >> jon: thank you so much. ronny chieng, everyone. now here it is, your "moment of zen." [cheers and applause] >> i just want to say, you are a younger, far more beautiful audience then i just spoke to, and i want to keep it off the record. >> liz cheney is a disaster. she is crying lunatic and crying adam kinzinger. he is a super crier. i never saw the guy not crying. talk about inflation too but how many times can you say that an apple has doubled in price? you get into a stagecoach, now you get into a helicopter. 60, 70 pounds and they go as fast as you can walk. i would attack a karate champion, get slightly -- i think this was a better speech than the one i made upstairs. okay? okay? i thought this was better, j.d. ♪ it seems today ♪ ♪ that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy ♪ hi there. it's me, peter. you know, when it comes to making dreams come alive, there used to be nothing like the movies. so we thought it would be fun to ask a few visionary hollywood directors to create his-- let's be honest, his-- own unique version of the same family guy story, "peter gets fired." of the countless directors we contacted, three did not say no immediately, and i got a weird message from paul verhoeven -that i could not understand. -[phone beeps] [verhoeven] ah, pieoter, habinsky vermhoeven. kibbensme comfurdle. stupf. i've listened to that over a hundred times now. i-- i got nothing. anyway, here's our first director,

quentin tarantino. [♪ the ides of march's "vehicle" playing] ♪ hey, well i'm the friendly stranger ♪ ♪ in the black sedan won't you hop inside my car? ♪ ♪ i got pictures, got candy i'm a lovable man ♪ ♪ and i can take you to the nearest star ♪ ♪ i'm your vehicle, baby ♪ ♪ i'll take you anywhere you wanna go ♪ ♪ i'm your vehicle, woman ♪ ♪ by now i'm sure you know ♪ -♪ that i love ya ♪ -♪ love ya ♪ -♪ i need ya ♪ -♪ need ya ♪ ♪ i want you got to have you, child ♪ ♪ great god in heaven you know i love you... ♪ -what's in your lunch? -pizza. from home or from a place? a place. [gunshots] ♪ well, if you wants to be a movie star ♪ ♪ i'll get a ticket to hollywood ♪ griffin, you're three hours late. stop trying to be a clock, you ain't got the face for it. i've had enough of your nonsense. here's christoph waltz to fire you in a weird accent.

yer fi-yerd! [♪ suspenseful music playing] -[door creaks] -[peter gasps] it's a cliche. you think you can fire me? i'm taking this keg as payback. [♪ surf rock playing] cinema is an event. [♪ suspenseful music playing] [knock on door] [gunshots] [thuds] [breathing unsteadily] -where's my family? -[angela] dead. all of them. [gun cocks]

[gunshot audio slowed] [gunshot] [monitor beeping] [gasps] oh, my god, where am i? -what happened? -ugh! coma breath. coma? how long was i out? what year is this? it's whatever year quentin tarantino used to watch television. well, can i go home? well, you're not really ready, but if it's for revenge, you can stab me with this scalpel -and then run out. -thanks. oh, that was unnecessary but cool. so awesome! [♪ spy music playing] ah, so close. no, this is better.

[♪ george baker selection's "little green bag" playing] ♪ yeah ♪ somebody order a wet-haired black guy to help with your revenge and sometimes [loudly] speak louder than necessary? [tires screech] [♪ tense music playing] [peter] angela? we got business. [♪ ironside theme playing] sorry, that's my car alarm. cleveland, turn that off! [cleveland] i'm pressing the button. y-you got to put the keys in the ignition. [cleveland] i've been doing that, but-- -[alarm chirps] -[cleveland] oh, there we go. tricia takanawa 88s! [♪ dramatic music playing]

peter, i'm standing here because i am the only asian recurring character on the series. [grunting] [blades clanking] [grunts] [slowed whooshing] [grunts, groans] [♪ funky music playing, james brown's "sex machine"] -♪ get on up ♪ -♪ get on up ♪ -♪ get up ♪ -♪ get on up ♪ -♪ get up ♪ -♪ get on up ♪ -♪ get on up ♪ -♪ get on up ♪

-♪ stay on the scene ♪ -♪ get on up ♪ ♪ like a lovin' machine ♪ ♪ get on up ♪ -♪ get up ♪ -♪ get on up ♪ -♪ taste ♪ -♪ get on up ♪ -♪ of piano ♪ -♪ get on up ♪ peter, you can tell i'm different because my weapon is different. oh, well, then, maybe i won't be able to chop your head off. -[thuds] -oh, yep. [blades ring] [whooshing] [groans] [♪ man singing opera in italian, from verdi's rigoletto "la donna è mobile"] opera music makes violence classy. [gasps] of course.

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[♪ woman vocalizing] [clucking] according to the calculations on my microsoft surface,

they have advanced cloaking technology. the microsoft surface confirms it. microsoft surface. my samsung gear s2 watch says the same thing. [tires screeching] [♪ tense music playing] [tires screech] we came from outer space to step on church stuff. that does it. let's have a fight with so many quick shots and close-ups, you can't tell what's going on. ♪ up ♪ ♪ to break it back down ♪ ♪ we're building it up ♪ ♪ to burn it down ♪ ♪ we can't wait ♪ ♪ to burn it to the ground ♪ [screeches]

[laser zapping] -[cries] -[grunts] ♪ the colors conflict... ♪ [screeches] peter, don't. it's suicide. take care of my kids' bikes. they're expensive. [♪ dramatic music playing]