♪ my lady ♪ ♪ in the sun with your dress undone ♪ ♪ now every mile aw... ♪ [♪ muzak version of "thunder island" playing] sausage and pepperoni for alan? alan? [sniffs] god, that smells good, doesn't it? -alan? -yeah. but, actually, i ordered just pepperoni. [sighs] can i see your receipt? ♪ ♪ >> from the most trusted journalists at comedy central, it's america's only source for news! this is "the daily show" with your host ronny chieng!

[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> ronny: hey! welcome to "the daily show"! i'm ronny chieng! without so much, much to talk about tonight. maga throws a party, donald trump rules by sharpie and jordan klepper freezes his ass off at the inauguration. this is day one of the trump administration part 2, so let's get into our segment, "the second coming of donald j. trump." ♪ ♪ yesterday was a momentous day for the country. the ones-disgraced president returning to office after four years, ready to enact terrible revenge against his political enemies. but first. party time!

and what a party it was! donald trump got dressed up in a tux that actually fit him for a change and made his grand entrance in front of a windows 95 screen saver. they played "ymca" which is america's new national anthem i guess while donald trump did a presidential jerk-off dance because that's not like a song that has its own extremely famous dance moves. then they brought out a cake with an airplane on it, which is the coolest thing any 6-year-old boy can have. and wait, are they giving him an actual sword to cut the cake -- don't give him -- don't give him a sword, now he's dancing with the sword. just a bad idea. he really just swung that thing around. we were about 3 inches away from finding out whether melania is cake. this was a long night of celebration and he ended it by

thanking everyone who was important to him. starting of course with the person standing directly in front of him. >> i have a great family. i really do. i just look around. my son eric has been so incredible. >> ronny: i thought you were going to start with melania, but i'm sure you will get to her next. >> then you have -- where is ivanka. have you ever heard of ivanka? and jared. >> ronny: you know what, he's waving the most important person, melania, for last. >> and we have -- tiffany is here someplace, michael, our great golfer don and don and chloe. >> ronny: wait, who the [bleep] is chloe? his wife is standing right there, he's just making up new family members. and she does not look happy. i don't know about the panama canal but tonight the

slovenian canal is closed. look. it wasn't all partying and disrespecting his wife. he also did some work. actually a lot of work. yesterday that dude signed over 100 executive actions. i mean, look at that, he froze the federal hiring bill, i'm thing about genders. [boos] and he said cuba is a state-sponsored terrorist now? he renamed a mountain, dishwashers are less efficient? he can do that? he had so many executive actions they had to scroll through the tracks like it was an ad for "now that's what i call maga." and being the show men that he was, wasn't going to sign these behind a desk with a pen and paper like a nerd. no, he turned this into an arena show. >> capital one arena in front of a out of supporters, trump putting into motion his day one

actions. >> after president trump signed the executive orders at a desk that was placed on stage, he had a pile of pens, president trump decided to toss the pens to some of his supporters. >> ronny: wow. whoever caught that pen is so lucky. that is going to be such a cool thing for those guys to show their kids once they get their visitation rights back. and even after he got back to the white house, he just kept signing! this guy was so in the zone he didn't even know what he was signing. >> what is the sum? >> withdrawing from the world health organization's. >> oh! >> ronny: oh! he's withdrawing from the world health organization like he's hearing the dessert options. "yeah, yeah, i will have the tiramisu and potential measles outbreak with that." if you could put anything in front of him yesterday he would have signed it.

melania, now's your chance to update the prenup, go, go! but you know what? i'm not going to be shitting on resident john. sure, he pulled out of the w.h.o., look who are those guys, what are the odds the role ever be a global pandemic requiring global cooperation? once the election, which means he's a great guy who is right. i'm sure his executive orders are reasonable. >> trump pulled the u.s. out of the paris climate accords. >> ronny: i know that sounds bad for the woke liberals, but does it really matter? one year we are in, next year we are out. we are doing the hokey pokey with these guys. they don't even put us in the group chat anymore. also, news flash, paris accord, we are not going to reach the emission goals anyway. this world is over!

it's just an excuse to go to paris. which, overrated. so he's taking us out of anything that involves the rest of the world. i'm sure there's other executive orders that aren't any worse. >> among the many executive orders president trump signed on monday was this one, pausing the tiktok ban for 75 days. he says the united states should broker a deal to own half of the platform. >> i think the u.s. should be entitled to get half of tiktok and congratulations, tiktok has a good partner. >> ronny: see! he brought back tiktok! just as my brain was regaining its higher-order functions. oh, my god, that was close! if you remember, tiktok was originally banned because everyone thinks it gives china too much influence over americans, and to be fair, before i started using tiktok, i was a white guy from iowa.

[laughter] the point is, the people have spoken! we want china to change our brains! what absolute idiot even thought of banning it in the first place? >> we are looking at tiktok, we may be banning tiktok. [applause] >> ronny: thank you, president trump, for saving us from that guy! what i'm saying is all these executive orders aren't bad, okay? what else is he doing? >> trump is going to try to an executive order to end birthright citizenship. it's a constitutional right that those born on u.s. soil are american citizens regardless of their parents immigration status. >> ronny: that does sound like a major change. it's been in the constitution for over 200 years, but on the other hand, should you just be u.s. citizen just because you were born here? i think all citizens should have to prove they are truly american by taking a quiz on american history and failing it.

okay? if your score is above 60, you're going back to asia or whatever shit-whole country. and to be fair, nothing too extreme so far. it sounds like there's a campaign trump that says things to win and then there's a president trump who rules more moderately. >> overnight with the stroke of a pen president trump issuing sweeping pardons to nearly all of the riders charged for their actions on january 6th. >> so this is january 6th. >> even granting clemency to the more than 600 people charged with assaulting and resisting law enforcement. >> ronny: okay, look, freeing violent prisoners from prison seems less moderate and more like something bain did, but you know what? if you know your history in that situation, that man fixed it. so concern is overblown and look, these guys have been in

prison for like two whole months already. i'm sure they've learned their lesson. >> jacob chancellor, we know him as also the human on shaman. he put out something on social media where he said i've got a pardon, baby, thank you, president trump. now i'm going to buy some mother effingham guns. >> ronny: see, he learned his lesson! we go live to senior legal correspondent josh johnson. josh! josh! where the hell are you? >> i'm at a bank, you silly goose. everybody get on the ground! i ain't playing! >> ronny: are you robbing a bank? to go of course not! get on the floor! >> ronny: it definitely looks like you are robbing a bank. >> it definitely looks like i'm robbing a bank because i'm in a bank holding a gun and demanding

the tellers -- and we will see what happens if they do not come up with this money. but i'm wearing a maga hat. as the pardons clearly esta establish, you can't be wearing a maga hat and be doing a crime at the same time. >> ronny: how does wearing a hat change the fact you are holding a gun at people's heads? >> without a hat on robbing a bank, with the hat i'm peacefully protesting the rig's financial. i made it very clear! i want a lollipop too! the great ones! sorry, ronny, multitasking. >> ronny: the police are going to arrest you. >> and if they do, i'm going to be a political hostage. much like these people that i'm currently holding hostage. sandra, how many times do i have to tell you! >> ronny: josh, did your gun just go off? >> that was my bad...

these triggers are so finicky, you just touch them and they go off. >> ronny: i think you are in big trouble. >> i mean, i would be if i didn't have... a second hat. >> ronny: save some of those hats for me. josh johnson, everyone. when we come back, jordan klepper went to the klepper went to the inauguration.

this is cassie. she never really paid attention to her credit scores until she got credit karma. and used her scores to score more. like a great rate on an auto loan for some more reliable wheels. intuit credit karma. download the money app where your hard work pays off.

che >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show"! donald trump was inaugurated yesterday and wherever donald trump goes jordan klepper is not far behind. another edition of "fingers the pulse." ♪ ♪ >> the trump coronation was a weekend full of the usual pomp and circumstance and strangely a victory rally celebration the day before the actual celebration celebration. so i headed to our nation's frozen capital to witness the festivities. >> the golden age of america has arrived. >> not only are we excited here in the u.s., but the world is excited. excited to get rid of the old administration, wipe the slate clean. >> you do that with dope dance moves? >> with crypto and ai. >> but it wasn't all fun and games. trump was elected to deal with serious issues.

>> i think the gulf of america is a good idea. >> ronny: new mexico, that's worth it, right? >> people are coming out in support of more nationalist governments and making sure we can actually support our people and our globalist elites. because they have global elites. are you excited to see elon musk up there? geico i am. maga isn't just for one kind of people. we are for the american people and everyone that encompasses. >> i think you will need everybody to get together and push out the global elites. >> what you want to see him do day one? >> i want to see him pardon everybody from january 6. >> i want him to free our january 6 prisoners. >> part in all of them? >> yes. >> everyone from january 6th? >> i think the majority of the people. >> this guy at the podium, should he be pardoned? grab a little snickers bar or

walked out the door. this guy is shooting a gun outside the capitol. should he be pardoned? >> i don't think he should have shot a gun. >> call me old-fashioned, this guy with a gun shooting a gun outside the capital. eco-he should not be pardoned. >> 2.1 million people there, they didn't all storm the capitol, none of them were armed. >> some of them were armed. >> who? >> this guy with a gun outside the capital. should he be pardoned? >> is that a real gun or a fake gun? >> it's a real gun. >> i think you should be pardoned. >> why? >> because i don't think he... i think he should be pardoned, yeah. >> this guy is spring bear spray at the police officer. pardon? that's a tough one. >> was that from the same day?

>> january 6th. the most photographed crime in human history. yeah. >> can show me 8 million more, i'm pro pardon. >> where was this at? >> the capital. >> you haven't seen any of these images? >> some of them, but not these. maybe the media that i'm following is not showing me these things. >> could be. what are your politics? >> conservative. >> did you watch the january 6th hearings? >> no. so that's my fault, should have been better informed. >> that is a refreshing thing to hear. >> in the end it didn't matter because trump just pardoned this guy and friends buried him. >> what's the most exciting thing you've seen today to. >> donald trump at 5:00. >> yes, this garbage truck. >> the maga garbage truck that went viral during the campaign

will reportedly hit the streets during inauguration day parade buried. >> and these grown adults were really excited. >> the garbage truck is here? >> i didn't hear that. i did hear it was coming. >> the garbage truck is here, did you hear that? >> the one that trumps that in? >> people were hyped to celebrate a new day in america. >> the ceremonies have been moved inside. >> and it meant thousands of maga faithful were left to aimlessly wander the national mall. >> i'm kind of surprised at how small the crowd is. >> is that disappointing? >> yeah. i would like to have seen a little bit more. >> you think maybe it's kind of the perfect metaphor? he's inside hanging out with the billionaires while all of his supporters are hanging outside in the cold. >> i think maga is a tough crowd

anyway. >> they are prepared to be left in the cold. >> absolutely. >> we were really excited for the parade. >> have you thought about trying to get inside the rotunda? >> not really. i feel like that was going to be a little tough for us today. >> really, for you guys? climb the walls or judging by her outfit can't you just break a window back. [laughter] >> yeah, i mean i personally probably wouldn't break a window, that would really hurt my hand, especially in the cold. >> what's the vibe right now? >> really relaxed. >> it is, somber, almost. i mean, what died? free press? because i don't think anything died, i think we all just kind of relax. >> i'm sorry. turnaround. slowly, slowly. don't spook it. if that the garbage truck? >> i don't know. >> i got something that i think

is going to bring a smile to your faces. you know it's going to be here today? >> the garbage truck. >> all my got! we can't go home, we have to stay. >> i saw one today. i saw it passed by. >> you don't know if it was the garbage truck? >> no. >> regardless you seem excited by. i love your pjs. >> i think we know who's going to run in 2028. >> ronny: thank you, jordan! when we come back, stephanie hsu will join me on the show, so don't go away! [cheers and applause] at harbor freight, we do business differently from the other guys.

we design and test our own tools and sell them directly to you. no middleman. just quality tools you can trust at prices you'll love. 39, 39.5, 40 degrees, spring is here! your cousin. from boston. break out the sam adams cold snap. a bright wheat ale with orange and lemon zest. ooof! rough night? it's sam season! mopping is hard work, but then i tried the swiffer powermop. it has a built-in solution that breaks down dirt on contact. plus, it's 360-degree swivel head cleans up along baseboards and even behind the toilet. bye, bye bucket. with the swiffer powermop.

businesses need shipping software that keeps up with their growth. with shipstation you can automatically sync inventory and manage returns across all your sales channels. ♪♪ so you fulfill your orders accurately. and ship the right products to the right customers. shipstation makes it easy to manage everything on one platform, with the lowest carrier rates... no matter how big you get. keep your business growing. go to shipstation.com to start your free trial today. and squish, and squish... ok good.

keep squishing! fingers relaxed... go to shipstation.com and squish. great! thank you, good job! squish the rainbow, taste the rainbow introducing new eroxon gel, the first fda-cleared ed treatment available without a prescription. eroxon gel is clinically proven to work within ten minutes, so you and your partner can experience the heights of intimacy. new eroxon ed treatment gel. liberty mutual customized my car insurance so i saved hundreds. with the money i saved i thought i'd get a wax figure of myself. cool right? look at this craftmanship. i mean they even got my nostrils right. it's just nice to know that years after i'm gone this guy will be standing the test of ti... he's melting! oh jeez... nooo... oh gaa... only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty, liberty, liberty, liberty ♪

it's ten dollars tuesdays at kfc. every tuesday, grab 8 pieces of hot, juicy kentucky fried chicken for just ten bucks. butter my biscuit, that's a good deal. get a taste of ten dollar tuesday. only at kfc.

[cheers and applause] >> ronny: welcome back to "the daily show." my guess tonight is an academy award nominated actor who stars in the peacock original comedy series "laid." please welcome my good friend stephanie hsu! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ wow! wow! they love you! they don't even stand up for me. >> ronny! >> ronny: thanks for coming on the show! good to see you, i haven't seen you for so long. the still muted, you found it, what, two years ago? >> no, last year. we shot it really fast in vancouver. >> ronny: i remember when you shot it because you turned down

my pilot to do the show. >> allegedly, but i don't remember this. >> ronny: that means your reps turned it down. but it looks like you made the right choice because my pilot didn't get picked up in your show did. it's a great show, super funny. we've got clips. we will show the clip, does the heavy lifting of explaining. here's the clip from the new show "laid." >> take a guess. >> ronny: okay, sorry, that's the wrong one. >> oh my god! you told me you had a surprise, that was a really good surprise! >> ronny: that was from "shortcomings," randall park directed. sorry, this is "laid." >> guys, what's he saying? >> yes! [laughter] >> ronny: sorry, sorry. that's not "laid."

that's another project we did, we did "joyride." this is "laid." >> those 18 people with exes over their faces? they are dead. and every single one of them i've slept with. >> maybe this is just what happens in our 30s? >> and they are dying in the exact order that i slept with them. >> has got to be in acclamation. maybe it's long -- >> covid? no. we will that out. almost thought we had something with surprise fire crotch. unexpected red pubes. [laughter and applause] >> this guy's got jokes! >> ronny: we actually were in like three projects together. >> every single movie/tv show where there is one asian person, you are in it. you are the next person and i think you just proved that. >> ronny: and i pride myself on being that. >> heck yes. >> ronny: i promise you the comment section is hating this right now. tell us about "laid."

>> okay, yeah. dark comedy, rom-com, it's about a woman in her 30s who is having a hard time finding love and she starts to find out that everyone she's ever slept with his dying in mysterious ways in the order that she slept with them. so she has to be like "am i the problem" and that's the umbrella of sort of her love quest search of warning all her previous lovers and then getting tangled in some triangles along the way. >> ronny: everything i want you in, you are so talented, you've got comedic timing out the wild zoo. but you come out -- you come from this like experimental theater background. i'm always interested in people who just like pursue passions without thought of money. because feel like you weren't even -- you are doing experiment a feeder, you definitely weren't trying to get famous. >> totally. >> ronny: you were just time to get these shapes out of your body. >> i was trying to get the shapes out of my body.

you got enough shapes out and you got nominated for an oscar! that's great! >> when you do something you care about, it feels less crazy to stand and show up and stand behind it. in that movie changed so many people's lives that it was like -- thank you. [cheers and applause] that it was like it's not even just for me. it's for every single person who is watching and sees himself a part of this. >> ronny: stephanie, you are the best. no, no, you are the best! thanks for coming on the show, thank you for being a friend, thank you for sharing your time. "laid" is streaming now on peacock. stephanie hsu, everybody! we will go to a quick break and be right back after this. be right back after this. [cheer —you make this stuff fresh every morning!? yes. every single day we prep everything in our store.

onions, jalapenos, cilantro... —wow! [laughs] —looks pretty fresh to me. fresh ingredients every day. —delicious. ♪ welcome back, team. been a minute. ♪ mark: what happened? we have to figure out what this is. helly: everything here is a lie. are you here to kill me? uh, no. ♪ how do you know about the exports hall? i'm sorry? their work will be remembered as one of the greatest moments... mr. drummond: ...of this planet. ♪

carl never really thought much of his credit scores. until he got credit karma and used his scores to score more. like this less humble, humble abode. that's what i'm talking about carl. intuit credit karma. download the money app where your hard work pays off. this is sam adams just the haze ipa. best non alcoholic beer in america.

whooo. your cousin. from boston. whooo. champions, baby! we won an award! it's sam season! at harbor freight, we design and test our own tools and sell them directly to you. no middleman. just quality tools you can trust at prices you'll love. whatever you do, do it for less at harbor freight. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> ronny: that's our show for tonight! and here it is, your, your moment of zen! >> muster president, what did you think of the survey. >> what did you think? did you like it, did you find it exciting? not too exciting, was it? i didn't think it was a good service, no. thank you very much.

>> thank you. >> they can do much better. ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy. ♪ i'm glad you're finally getting your hair cut, peter. you were starting to look like that bongo from the beatles. i am so excited for you to meet jerry. he's been cutting my hair for decades. -i'm like family here. -how do you do? well, that's a fine "how do you do". -i have a 12:00 with jerry. -oh. well, i'm sorry to tell you this, mr. griffin, but your barber jerry has passed away.

what? when? -recently. -jerry. oh, that's someone else. but i can assure you, we have a wonderful team of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from. no! i want jerry. come on, peter, it's just a haircut. come on, get up. you're embarrassing me. i'm not gonna. i hate you. come on, peter. you're acting worse than the time chris auditioned for stanley kubrick. good day, mr. kubrick. my name is chris griffin. and the following is a loose cutting from air bud: golden receiver. show me in the rule book where it says a dog can't play football. he ain't gonna walk again.