at was the question? so i know we left the other day on a note of uncertainty, but after some more thought, i'm very pleased to be able to offer you this job. [laughing] great. i'm so glad. we're all very excited you're gonna be joining us. it'll be nice to have another mba around here. i'm excited too. okay. bye. who was that? nobody. you and i are done. what?! ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

>> jon: hey, everybody! [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart, and we have got a show for you tonight. our guest tonight, a formerly incarcerated firefighter, royal ramey, will be here to discuss his journey from prison firefighter to organizer. but first, i just want to very clearly say to you guys something. i found last week... exhausting. the return to 1600 trump-ilvania avenue was as disorienting and chaotic as i imagined.

but then we had a weekend. serenity now. and we can finally catch our breath and begin to move forward with intentionality. namaste. >> chaos on wall street. >> we are in the middle of a market sell-off. >> tech stocks sent the markets into a tailspin today. >> tech stocks have just taken a battering. >> jon: will there never be peace? no, what has happened to nvid? what the [bleep]? i was promised a new era of american prosperity and greatness! what happened? >> a powerful new chinese a.i. tool called deepseek is threatening the u.s. dominance of this emerging technology. >> deepseek is on par with what openai and google have made, even though those companies are sinking billions of dollars,

tons of years, and lots of development into the space, deepseek did it for cheaper in a matter of months. >> jon: huh. who would have expected the chinese to do it cheaper? i can't believe it. [laughter and applause] it's as though when you don't have labor laws or [bleep] rights. by the way, deepseek? deepseek? we got our asses kicked by deepseek? who names an ai company after the thing it actually does? where are your random letters? where's your gpt? your grok? deepseek sounds like what you might use it for. china's even beating us at naming shit!

by the way, i do know this is bad news financially, but is anyone else somewhat excited that ai had its job replaced by ai? [cheers and applause] that is something. but listen, man. this is a minor setback. we'll bounce back. russia had sputnik and it spurred us to land on the moon, i'm sure it's not going to be that bad! has chinese ai put american ai out of a job? i mean, i will find out. siri, how bad is it? >> jon, check out my onlyfans! >> jon: no! [laughter and applause] send me a link. but enough about the apparently tenuous underpinning of everything we've banked our

entire future economy on. what's the news freaking out about closer to home? >> friday night massacre. >> late friday night purge. >> a chilling purge. >> the purge. >> jon: ah! trump has ushered in the purge! [cheers and applause] i, for one, will take full advantage by doing some unpermitted lawn work! your god is powerless! although, just in case i'm misinterpreting, what is this purge about, exactly? >> breaking news. the mass firing of government agency watchdogs. >> trump fired at least 17 inspectors general. >> jon: no! he got rid of 17 inspectors general? that only leaves... no one knows how many left!

[laughter and applause] i have no idea. oh, i'm sorry did i break the illusion? here is the nice thing at home. you don't know if that is the axe or my desk. which one is fake? i will never tell. the point is, we have 17 less inspectors general. who knows how many generals will now go uninspected. democrats, inspire my anger! in the least charismatic way possible. >> donald trump's decision to fire 12 of the federal

government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age -- and donald trump's decision to fire 12 of the federal government's independent watchdogs is a glaring sign that it's a golden age for abuse in government and even corruption. >> jon: he started again, right? he said it twice? like, no recognition, just, [bleep] started again. is that what happened? normally, humans in that scenario would go, "oh, my god, i'm sorry, let me take that from the top. maybe this time, i will look up." can you -- are you -- can you legally just restart without acknowledgment? is schumer ai? is he deepseek?

but regardless of how slowly npc chuck schumer laid it out, what trump did violated the law. he can't just fire these people. >> title 5, section 403 of the u.s. code federal law. an inspector general may be removed by the president. >> jon: what? so what is the purge? why do i have my axe? >> there is a specific law that requires notice, 30 days, and a statement of reasons, substantive and detailed rationale. >> jon: i'm sorry, what? apparently, you can fire them but you have to give them 30 days notice. to that is what we are upset about? "no, you can do it but not in that font!

that's hitler's font!" but this is the cycle we find ourselves in. first law of trump-o-dynamics: every action is met with a very not-equal overreaction. thus throwing off our ability to know when shit is actually getting real. like last week's pardons. >> these pardons are sick. they are offensive. they are un-american. >> this is one of the most egregious, despicable acts in american history. >> this is textbook authoritarian takeover 101 tactics. >> jon: i knew i should've taken that class! and not majored in submissive liberal crying! "oh, do what you will, trum trumpiski." was at shitty? should you have let out some of these are terrible people? is it an abusive pardon power?

i don't [bleep] know. but that is his constitutional power. again, for some reason, we have given presidents the power of a king, and then we say "well, you're not going to get all kingly and shit on us, right?" to put that in constitutional terms, if i could, don't hate the player, hate the founding fathers! [cheers and applause] why do we even have it? because i don't know if you've met donald trump, he pushes shit. >> president trump deploying executive action to end birthright citizenship. >> this unconstitutional, un-american attack. >> shredding our constitution. >> he wants to be a strongman authoritarian. >> jon: birthright citizenship was very specifically tailored to send a message to people that america was a place, an idea. it wasn't for one race, it wasn't for one gender. citizenship in america was based on where you were, not who you were. and to just, stroke of a pen,

finally, i agree, that is authoritarian. >> we do begin tonight with the federal judge blocking president trump's executive order that would end birthright citizenship. >> jon: and we're back. see how easy that was? it was a dictatorship and then -- it's like when you have an electric fence. you never check it, you're not really sure if it works. 'cause you have a good boy! [cheers and applause] you have a very good boy. but then one day, zap! by the way, i fundamentally disagree with the use of electric fences. it is true. i prefer to discipline my dogs with a series of passive aggressive comments about their weight.

"really tearing through the bowl tonight, huh? take a breath, tubs! it's called kibble, not gobble!" by the way, my dog's name is tubs. anyway, birthright citizenship is back! >> no. obviously, we will appeal it. >> jon: damn you, constitutionally enshrined judicial review of executive action and its relief through the appellate process! look, we are facing a deluge of these executive actions and certainly, we must be prepared for those most vulnerable to the consequences of these actions. but the "this is all fascist" argument has become almost a reflex for the left. >> donald trump promised to be a dictator on day one, and he's

carried that forward through the entire week. >> five days into this administration, the abuse is already rampant. >> throughout the rest of the week, shredding the constitution as he went. >> on a fascism scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being peak fascism, how would you rate trump's first week? [laughter] >> jon: on a scale of mussolini to the holocaust. i would say it is not fascism. do i not understand what fascism is? and if i may -- this may be petty -- why are we asking someone who, at the end of january, still has his [bleep] christmas tree up? why are we asking him anything? you know who used to leave their christmas tree up

all the time? hitler! somebody in the audience literally jumped my hitler joke. you know who used to do that, by the way? pol pot. now look, i have a lot of fear that as this term goes on, things are get a little fascist-y. and we must be vigilant. but part of vigilance is discernment. republicans control the house, the senate, the executive, and the judiciary. and just about every move that has been made 'til this point, we have granted them electorally. it's our [bleep] fault! [applause] yes!

and the constant drumbeat of encroaching fascism will erode the credibility we will need hopefully if -- and not when -- it hits. but the truth is that, for now, his most objectionable actions have taken place almost entirely within our designed, democratic system. like the confirmation process. despite claims of meritocracy, trump has put forth some of the least linkedin people you could imagine. i don't know what responsible hiring process you can create that looks at this... >> i'm going to get another refill, hold on. i feel good. i'm just adding a little bit of extra. that's already in there. what do we care? >> dunkin' dad on new year's eve. [audience reacts] >> jon: who is that guy?

i want him leading defense. and how did this individual, who has never so much as successfully managed a waffle house pop-up, is going to run the three million people department of defense? but he wasn't foisted upon us by a dictator. there was no authoritarian end run. no royal edicts. this shit happened to us as designed. advise, but mostly consent. passed through the armed services committee, put through a senate vote. three republicans made a show of saying "the most outrageous, i cannot in good conscience" -- because they knew they could lose three! it was a [bleep] performance! and j.d. vance broke the tie. democratically! trump's using the almost absolute power we have constitutionally granted him and the republicans. because this is trump's theory in governance. he laid it out to not-president bush in 2005, back

when he was still accessing hollywood. >> when you're a star, they let you do it. you can do anything. grab 'em by the pussy. >> jon: that's his governing philosophy. for all of it. appointing people, firing people, writing executive orders, taking greenland, making wikipedia-like edits to the literal globe. but unfortunately, as of now, he's democratically grabbing our pussy. [audience reacts] yeah. yeah. we said yeah. he has the consent of the people. for god's sake, his deportation orders are so popular, they have collabs! >> tv personality dr. phil tagged along on a chicago raid. >> you've never been deported before? >> you're dr. phil. you got to be dr. phil. >> yeah. how do you know me? >> no, i've seen you on "dr. phil," you know. on tv. >> yeah. >> yeah. >> jon: "how do you know me?"

you've been in one thing! how do you know i am dr. phil? because you're on the "dr. phil" show! you're dr. phil! "how do you know me?" "uh, weren't you in "goodfellas?" no, you are [bleep] dr. phil. i would know that little egghead anywhere. little bald mustache southern drawl. "how do you know me." that picture. i guess dr. phil finally cashed someone outside. [cheers and applause] how about that?

[laughter and applause] no, no. we are almost done. look, the trump administration were clearly ready for this. it was almost as though they had some project for what they might do in 2025. and they're so emboldened, they're not even stopping on american shores! >> the president said he thought more than a million palestinians in gaza could be moved to nearby arab countries. >> jon: what does [bleep]? he is so emboldened, he wants to start deporting people from other people's countries! you know what, dr. phil, he'll be down in gaza and be like, "how do you know me?" "how do you know me, son?"

"i don't have a television, i don't know you. i don't know." look, i really hope that democrats figure out a way to contain this guy. the question is probably not "how dare he?" the question should be: what are you learning from this? how would you use this power? what's your contract with america? democrats, exist outside of him. tell people what you would do with the power that trump is wielding, and then convince us to give that power to you. as soon as possible! [cheers and applause] that is the goal! it is enough with the "he is a hitler, stop doing it, that is terrible." what would you [bleep] do! [cheers and applause]

and if not... [cheers and applause] if you don't have any of the answer is maybe ai has another solution for you. hey, siri, what can democrats do to stop trump? >> [speaking chinese] >> jon: it's too late! when we come back, royal ramey will be joining me. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]

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recruitment program. also the subject of the forthcoming documentary, "firebreak." >> since world war ii, there has been a growing reliance for imprisoned people to do some of the groundwork of firefighting. >> we were both formally incarcerated in fire camp. when we got out, we were dedicated to build firefighters. >> i fell in love with it but i didn't have a blueprint. i was just lost. >> jon: please welcome to the program royal ramey! sir. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> let's go! >> jon: you know, a lot of times, we get economists on the

show, very rarely do they go, "come on, people!" it is so nice to see you. and so nice to meet you. when i heard the story -- not even just your story, but just the general story of incarcerated firefighters, i was very surprised. and i will run the thoughts that were going through my head and i will have you speak to them. one was, oh, my god, the bravery that these folks who don't have their own liberty are showing on our behalf is astonishing. [cheers and applause] >> right. >> jon: number two, i bet they are paying them shit. >> [laughs] >> jon: and is this indentured servitude and is this being coerced? and then number three was, if i wanted to escape from prison, i would light a fire. how do they keep them from not running away in the middle of the fire? and then everybody being like,

"where is slim pizza?" and then they are like -- so run this through me. you were in this program. why did you get into it? what made you get into the firefighting program for imprisoned? >> so honestly, around the time i went to prison, it was overcrowding in california so i ended up getting transferred to arizona and then mississippi. and i was in prison for about 20 plus months, close to two years -- >> jon: in mississippi. >> i went to arizona first, so it was that time of being out of state. it was an opportunity for me to go back to california, see my family because i did not see them for that amount of time. >> jon: oh, wow. >> obviously, i heard the rumors, there is better food, you have a dormitory setting when you are out there, it's not like you are in a cell, and you can be able to get the most

money that you can earn in prison, which is a dollar an hour on fires, right? >> jon: a a dollar an hour on fires is the most money? >> you make around $26 a day when you are out there fighting fires, so that is the most money you can make in prison. >> jon: okay. so here's where it gets ugly for liberals. right? because the liberal reaction is, "exploit the incarcerated -- but in prison, it is so bad that this is great. is that it? >> yeah, that is the best -- it is one of the best programs that california department of correction rehabilitation has, actually. especially when it comes down to most people, when they come home, they come down with $200, and they have an opportunity to go to the fire camp, get a

career in the fire sector. that is, like, a lot of folks that you can't even fathom never having a job, like, having a career, just having that felony on your record. >> jon: right. >> to being able to possibly have a six-figure career, benefits, retirement, being able to take care of your family for a long time. >> jon: so in some ways, it is a new model of rehabilitation. i was reading that the recidivism rate generally is pretty high, 50%, sometimes 60%. the recidivism rate on those who have been inducted into this program is less than 10%. is that correct? >> i know that from my program. >> jon: right. but that's amazing. >> it is. it changed my life, honestly, jon. it gave me an opportunity to know what a team kind of feels like it when you are out there fighting fires and you have to rely on the next person, it does take a lot.

it takes a lot of courage, being able to come together, when it is all -- the fire is raging and you go out there on the line and you are putting your life on the line, it does give you a sense of teamwork and partnership with folks that you would probably never have had a communication with in a positive light when you are out there in the streets because you got to think about it. it is folks that has been in gangs, right, had some trauma and their life. it is segregation within california prisons. there's a lot of politics in it. race is a big thing. when you are in fire camp -- >> jon: so imprisons, it is very segregated to a white gang, hispanic gang, and firefighting, none of that. >> you have to put that all to the side and so you have a mixture of folks. [cheers and applause] >> jon: that's amazing. did you not believe that you

could do it? is the idea that people in that environment have been so lack the network and confidence and competence that goes along with things, that this is a revelation for themselves that i am, oh, i am worthy? i am actually worthy? that is the deal? >> yeah, absolutely. i think, so when you are out there on those big fire campaigns, you see signs that says "thank you, firefighters." when you actually are doing the work, the same thing that you will see a crew do, you are doing pretty much the same work. so you do feel that sense of pride and purpose and it gives you a way to be able to utilize the skills and abilities that you learned in fire camp to transition into the fire service professionally and that is what the forestry fire recruitment

to. >> jon: to your organization try to take that training because you are not -- if you go through the prison program, are you certified to fight fires at that point in california? >> no, you still got some more certifications that you would need in order to be able to be a professional firefighter. >> jon: even though they have already put you in fires. you are already doing the job. >> [laughs] right. >> jon: they are saying to you, yes, you can fight the fires but you are not qualified to fight the fires? >> yeah, it is something to that definitely, right? >> jon: right. >> [laughs] >> jon: i love how diplomatic you are being. >> yeah, yeah. you know, just being transparent and real, it is definitely like, it is a gatekeeping thing. i think a lot of folks don't understand the actual process, right? you have to have those certifications to be able to apply to these positions. you have to understand what you put on a resume, how to apply to the job, making sure that you

read everything. >> jon: but they train you. >> yes. >> jon: they don't just get prisoners and go -- >> come on. they give you minimum trading. >> jon: does everybody in there for arson? they are on there and they are like, "hey, phil, what would you do in that situation?" >> no, you can't have arson -- [laughter] >> jon: could be the dumbest question ever. >> no, that is one of the two major things. i think they are trying to revisit some things around certain violent crimes. but they are trying to evaluate. my best friends -- one of my best friends and mentors, he would kill me -- >> jon: don't worry. he will not see this. >> that tells me but no, it is definitely, they have some requirements. >> jon: for the prisoners, how do they view that bargain?

that bargain of, look, the state exploits prison labor. i mean, i think that is just straight down the line. >> oh, in fact. >> jon: in fact. and the penalties on felonies makes it almost impossible to reintegrate. our prison system, as you have experienced, -- and obviously, i'm not a sociologist, but i think the word is [bleep]. >> [laughs] i love you, man. i love you, jon. [applause] >> jon: but it's true. how do they console each other in that? how do you guys talk to each other about what this opportunity means and what the system is doing to you guys while that is all happening? >> you ready for the real deal? you want me to be honest with you? i don't know w what the when i s getting myself into. >> jon: really? >> they said, fire camp.

fire? around a camp? you know what i'm saying? >> jon: you thought you had gotten into a program, you were going to make s'mores? >> i didn't know. honestly, it wasn't like you are going to be on the front lines, fighting fire, you are going to carry this fact, you are going to have this tool -- >> jon: is going to be dangerous. >> you are going to work 24-hour shifts. i'm like, what? >> jon: that is wild. >> fighting fire, when i first got to camp, gave me my equipment, we start hiking, i am like, here is these boots and i am like, i am used to wearing nikes. >> jon: [laughs] >> boots? did i get the boots? they give me a pack and a tool and i am hiking and, man, this is intense! but i end up talking to one of my captains and he was like, ramey, you are one of the youngest dudes on the crew and you are the slowest one. and i am like, you know, just

being from the inner city, you know, and so many words, he was like, he called me a sissy. >> jon: i got to tell you, when you were going there, i really thought, he was going to pull you aside and say "i like you, son, you've got something." he pulled you aside and says, "what the [bleep], man?" >> right, right. [laughs] >> jon: how d long did it take you to acclimate to this and how long was that training? >> so to answer the second question first, the training was about a couple of weeks, physical training that you get and then you go into a classroom setting where you get the s190. a couple of people are going to kill me for this but it is the entry level certification for land fire behavior, and from there, you get a pack and you make sure that you hike within a certain amount of time and then once you complete that, then you are eligible to go to fire camp.

that was when i was there. >> jon: so you guys are wildland -- >> firefighters. >> jon: certified firefighters. very different from what l.a. county, urban fire, residential fire, so your role and this is more of those areas where maybe the wilderness stuff is. is generally where the incarcerated guys are? >> yes, so a couple of things. so the main objective, they pretty much train and exploit folks that are incarcerated to fight wildland fires, and when you are not fighting fires, you are out there doing fire prevention works or projects within the community. so that is one of the pluses too. you are not actually in a cell. you are in the community doing different work or whatever it can become a project, could be land, laying cement somewhere. could be cutting brush or you could be doing weed abatement. >> jon: these are necessary jobs that they do have trouble

finding candidates for, and people forbear you know, it has been so interesting -- i wonder how you process this in your he. this idea of "dei," the los angeles fire only happened because she is a lesbian." like, you are on the other side of that where you are like, we want to get into this business, there are a lot of gatekeepers that keep us out. but boy, we are capable. >> right, right. >> jon: how do you reckon that? >> so you just -- i am a doer. when i was first and fire camp, it was a transition for me mentally, emotionally, spiritually. i grew to love it. i fell in love with it. it was that one thing in my head was like, man, i want to do this. i want to do this as a career. i want to make this happen. me and my cofounder brendan smith, we was talking one day and we were like, look, man, you want to be able to do it, let's figure this out and be the modern day harriet tubmans of

the fire segment, right? >> jon: underground firefighters. [cheers and applause] because you knew that jenna really those jobs -- connections play a lot apart and they are relatively homogenous in those areas and they can be tough to break through. >> address the cultural thing too, understanding that you are going to have to do -- you have to put in the work, you have to make sure that you understand the culture, understand how to be a professional because you have a lot of folks that consider people that has been incarcerated, they are zeros. and then when you look at them as a hero, it is like a public nuisance and a public servant. that kind of -- prison and public servant don't mix and you have to change that narrative with people because i remember when i was actually -- i first pretty much like month and my job with cal fire, one of my captains was like, hey, we went on this one here, i was cutting with the saw and stuff, he was like, man, you did a pretty

good job with that. where did you learn that from? usually, folks like myself learned that in camp, right? i was like, i kind of shied away from it. i worked for the forest service first. so i kind of had that kind of spiel but i wanted to make sure that they looked at me as a human being first and not just based off of what my previous experiences were when i was in prison. [applause] >> jon: it is incredibly impressive and may be what is the most impressive thing about it is that you took that knowledge and you took that experience and you have created this organization to make sure that you keep the ladder down for people, the fire letter, to help other people up and i love that, prison to public service road because so often in this country, it is public service to prison. that is a political thing! [applause] it is so, so good to have you

here. for more information about the forestry and fire recruitment program, check out the link below. chief royal ramey! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] introducing new eroxon gel, the first fda-cleared ed treatment available without a prescription. eroxon gel is clinically proven to work within ten minutes, so you and your partner can experience the heights of intimacy. new eroxon ed treatment gel. popeyes has the wing game on lock for your watch party. with eight crispy bold louisiana wing flavors, in bone-in or boneless, you just might have everyone chanting “m-v-p” in your direction. " m-v-p" ♪love that chicken from popeyes.♪

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, that's our show for tonight! but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, michael kosta! michael, what do you have for us this week? [cheers and applause] michael kosta. >> jon, we'll be going through all the secret files on jfk, mlk, and rfk. trump declassified them last week, and we're already learning some shocking stuff. for example, jon, did you know that rfk is rfk jr.'s dad? >> jon: i did know that.

>> okay, i thought that was news, but check this out. did you know that jkf and rfk were brothers? both of their last names were "kennedy." but jon, the k in mlk is not for kennedy. this is crazy stuff! also, they all faked their deaths and are living in oregon. but other than that. >> jon: at least we have some closure. check out michael kosta this week. now here it is, your "moment of zen." [cheers and applause] >> you know, there are a lot of things that donald trump has done in his first week of office that americans do support. this ain't one of them. this ain't one of them. i don't know what the heck he is doing. not only did the judge spank him like he was a young child back in the 1960s, but the american public ain't with him either. >> sorry. this is a message to all american infidels.

prepare to die in a sea of holy fire. you will be punished for your decadent ways on the first day of radaman. -you-- -[all laughing] wait. wait a minute. did i just say... what did i say? "radaman?" [stammering] ramadan. radaman. what is that? what is... yeah, maybe dennis "radaman" is gonna punish you with his crazy hair. -no? -[man] osama. what's that? right, right. yeah, no. okay, okay. all right, let's go again. okay. this is a message to all ame-- [laughing] i'm not-- i'm not gonna be able to do it now. okay, all right, okay. no, i just-- i got to get all the... i got to get all the laughs out. okay? i got to get all the laughs out. [babbling] -okay, all right. -[cameraman] today sometime. stop making that face over there! -[all laughing] -what are you doing? i can't... he makes that face and it makes me laugh, okay? you know what, just turn around. turn--turn around. i don't care where you look. just look over there. okay, all right. they're-- they're-- they're cracking-- they're cracking up over there. okay.

oh, yeah. look who's snickering over there. mr. i-can't-do- a-suicide-bombing- because-i'm-sick. he had a--he had a note. -[man 1] he got you. -[man 2] he's so bad. he had a note from his doctor. he brought a note from his doctor. it's a suicide bombing. -[man 1] it's true. -what are you... okay, all right. okay, all right. here we go. this is where i get all serious now. okay. death... [laughing] i can't. i can't do it. i can't do it. i can't. oh, come on. now you're just trying to make... hey, wait, wait, wait. look, look, rubber chicken, you know? i should do, like, the whole tape with this in my hand, you know? just totally, like, with the chicken right here because everyone will be like, "what the hell? what--what is-- what is 'death to americans'?" just let him do it. let him do the tape. [cameraman] talking chicken. don't blame me. it was the chicken. he was... oh, no, no, no. actually, no. you know what would be better? hey, wait, wait. just walk out like this. i just... look... i just come out like this, but just, like, all serious. like this totally, like, completely serious. like--like i don't even know i'm wearing them. [cameraman] oh, man! death. death to america. what? what? what are you looking at?

what? do i have--do i have something on my face? what? what? right here? what? boys, i'm just wearing my regular glasses. -i always wear these. -[cameraman] that is crazy. hey, it's me in an '80s movie, right? yeah. -[all laughing] -hey, he got it. he got it over there. the little guy got it. who is that guy? i've never seen him around here before. how's it going, chief? good day to you, sir. and now prepare to die. [heroic music theme] [screams] [men groaning] [groaning] [chicken squeaks] [groans] who...

who are you? i'm stewie griffin. and don't ever let me catch you guys in quahog! [screaming] [ police squad! theme] [cat meows aggressively] [people yelling] [all exclaiming] [twins gasping] [monster snarling] [laser guns firing] [groans] hey, stewie. who the hell is that? [joyful music] [staple gun firing]

peter, it's 5:30 in the morning. oh, sorry, lois. i didn't know you were home. what the hell are you doing? i'm laying down the red carpet. the emmys are on tonight. oh, god. don't tell me you forgot about meg's play tonight. but, lois, meg sucks! everything she does is so freaking terrible and depressing. plus, i went to her first grade play that one time. oh, robin hood, the king is keeping me prisoner here in his castle. don't worry, maid marian, i'll save you. boy, you guys are not sucking me into the story at all. i'm just telling you for your own benefit. i'm-i'm very aware that i'm watching a play right now. come on, i got to watch the emmys. peter, you're going to meg's play and that's that. is that that now, mrs. that's that? if you're gonna shoot me, you might want to tie your shoelaces first. [peter screams] now, are you gonna go to meg's play or not? yes! you like eating red carpet, tough guy? yes! say you like eating red carpet! [peter] i like eating red carpet. giggity.

god, why do you wear those rainbow suspenders? well, i could tell you, but i'd rather show you through interpretive dance. [jazz music] [wails] well, crying baby. i'll take him out. uh, you know, lois, if we leave now, we can get home and catch the emmy for best documentary. um, i hear there's one on vacuuming. really? well, that sounds interesting. wait a minute. you can't fool me that easily. you are not watching the emmys tonight. now shush. [jazz music continues] excuse me. i got to go do some black guy stuff. [whines] man, this sucks worse than my 16th birthday party. thanks for coming to my birthday party, jake ryan. thanks for having me at your birthday party, peter. make a wish. it's already come true.

here's your present. no, jake! not like this! [peter screams] our top story, beloved entertainer bob hope briefly came back to life today only to die in a tragic motorcycle accident. hey, i'm gonna jump all those trash cans. [chuckles] in other news, actor david hyde pierce created a major controversy at the emmys last night when a "trouser malfunction" caused him to expose his testicles. [david hyde] sure glad i didn't miss the emmys, diane. oh, that's just great, lois. thanks to you, i missed a moment of television history. well, now you know how george w. bush felt when he showed up in vietnam. all right, let's do this. let's kick some ass. uh, george, the war is over. what? yeah, it's done. get out of here! are you serious? -yeah. -oh, man! oh, man! i just got your messages. and i--i... oh, i'm sorry. george, it's been over for a while. -really? -yeah. it's 1981.

it's... oh, oh, wow! oh, so i'm way late. oh, boy! yeah. uh, well, you want to do something else? -i got some blow. -son of a bitch! it took you this long to tell me? break it out, man! gentlemen, we got 20 calls about the david hyde pierce incident. and as you know, one call equals a billion people. which means 20 billion people were offended by this. needless to say, something must be done. perhaps we should ask the chairman. good idea. uh, sir, we're wondering what course of action you recommend regarding the hyde pierce incident. you've got to censor television, you fools! now follow my orders. [dramatic music] [tv announcer] and now, stay tuned for three's company. jack, are you out there? i want to show you my new bikini. what the hell! why are they blocking out all the good stuff? [announcer] it's the [bleep] van [bleep] show starring [bleep] van [bleep]. they're messing with my shows. come to think of it, there was something very different about that honeymooners episode i watched today.

one of these days, alice, one of these days... i'm gonna help stimulate the economy by buying an american car. this must be the fcc overreacting to the david hyde pierce incident. they're censoring anything that might be viewed as unpleasant. what the hell! they let sarah jessica parker's face on tv, and she looks like a foot. well, mark my words, i'm gonna fight this. you're on tv, mr. tucker. can't you do something about this? well, peter, i'm flattered you came to me for help. we'll have more after this. good evening. we're back. peter, to answer your question, if you want to control content, you'd have to start your own television station. my own tv station? i haven't had my own business since i ran that mail order operation. yeah, uh, i bought a giant, life-size slingshot from you, and it just slammed me into a mountain. sorry, no returns. i've been a customer here for years. i can maybe give you a store credit. but... really? well, i guess... what's the holdup in here? i'm taking care of it. peter, what are you doing? what is all this stuff? dad's starting his own tv station,

but i'm not supposed to tell mom because she's just gonna bitch him out. what the hell do you expect to accomplish with this? i'm saving television, lois. apache chief, put the satellite on the roof. sure, peter. apache chief... [speaks native language] well, that was the high point of my day. guess i'll go gamble. don't overthink it. a large one-topping pizza's... only $9.99 at papa johns. three different crusts! any topping. get the go-to that never gets old. get a large one-topping pizza for $9.99. better ingredients. better pizza. papa johns. atkins way... going strong, these days! lots of people losing weight here... hey rob... check out my new 'rob lowe body!'

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hi, there. i'm peter griffin.9. and you're watching ptv, where you get to watch your favorite shows as nature intended them, with all the sex, violence, swearing, and farts intact. like the episode of all in the family where archie got the jeffersons to move. [archie] time for you to move there, uh, jefferson. oh, archie. i can't see out of my sheet! edith, will you stifle yourself? we're supposed to be incognitus. and who could forget that classic episode of the waltons? [mary ellen] good night, jim-bob. [jim-bob] good night, mary ellen. -good night, pa. -[pa] good night, jim-bob. -good night, elizabeth. -[elizabeth] good night, pa. -good night, ma. -[ma] good night, elizabeth. good night, john-boy. -good night, john-boy. -[footsteps] -[door opening] -john-boy? [john-boy] damn it! can't a guy masturbate in this house? [jazz music] peter, look at these numbers. we're a hit. you know, if i were you, i'd think about expanding your programming somehow. brian, that's a great idea. that's exactly what we need to take ptv to the next level.

original programming. [stewie] cheeky bastard is filmed in front of a live studio audience. oh, my god! where is my roast pheasant? hmm, by now i think it's in my lower intestine. [laughter resonates] you ate it? but i told you my boss was coming here for dinner. well, unless he likes pork rinds, he's going home hungry. [laughter resonates] you cheeky bastard. [laughter resonates] [man clapping] welcome to midnight q. tonight we're gonna enjoy the smooth jazz of charles mingus. norman mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book. and then we also have a girl from omaha who's hiding a banana. we'll find out where. giggity, giggity, giggity goo. stick around. so, what do you think? i'm not sure, peter. you gotta be careful about what you put on your network. you know how impressionable children are. i mean, remember what happened after chris saw jackie mason? chris, you should have left for school already. oy, sister, don't start with me. i didn't go, i wanted to go, i forgot to go, i should have gone. chris, just go.