i'm happy to be back. and i'm happy to have my tennis ball. [growls] meg? lois? you got any more passwords? the panda loves 'em. [blipping] [♪ sneaky music playing] [♪ suspenseful music playing] the griffin assets, sir. at last. $17? the bear cost $23 to make. oh, no. [explodes] [peter] can't rob america if america's broke! merry christmas, everyone! ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> michael: yes, welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michael kosta. we've got so much to talk about tonight. new press secretary, who dis? taylor swift is going to the super bowl, and the january 6ers have a new hobby. but first, let's get to the latest news on the trump administration in another edition of "the second coming of donald j. trump." ♪ ♪ >> i'm gonna come. >> michael: today was the first press conference for donald trump's press secretary karoline levitt. and if you assumed she was a pretty white lady with a noticeable cross necklace, you were right. and of course she was trump's press secretary during the campaign, but that was all about trashing joe biden. now she's in an elevated position, representing the white house. and she's here to talk about

what the administration is going to do moving forward. >> when joe biden was in the oval office or upstairs in the residence sleeping, i'm not so sure. >> michael: oh, shit! didn't see that coming, did you, old man? nailed your sleepy ass! but seriously, you get one. so let's move forward. today everyone wants to know about this federal spending freeze that trump's been doing. so what's that about? >> we've seen the biden administration spend money like drunken sailors. >> michael: oh, boom! drunken sailors! everyone knows they spend so much money! all right, that's two digs at joe biden. get it out of your system. now, i don't want to hear anything else about joe biden -- >> the biden administration and the department of agriculture directed the mass killing of more than 100 million chickens. >> michael: my god. 100 million chickens.

do you even know how many chickens that is? we've got to bring this man to justice. "if you see a man in aviator 15 to 20 miles an hour, that man is joe "the chicken butcher" biden." the police have issued an apb for his arrest, and to save time, a silver alert. now, biden's going to say he killed those chickens because of bird flu, but that's no excuse! it's not okay to just kill chickens. unless you bread them, fry them, put 'em in between two pieces of white bread, put two pickles on top. mm, that's lunch. what was i talking about? but let's move on. because while the press was attending the roast of joe biden, donald trump was busy getting our military in shape, so he can finally fulfill our country's month-old dream of conquering greenland. and first, we're going to need

to have as many troops as possible. >> president trump has signed several executive orders to reshape the military, including directive banning transgender service members. >> michael: did i say many troops? i mean, fewer troops. you know what they say about the army, less is more. look, maybe they don't say that. look, i don't have a problem with transgender soldiers. as someone who pees himself anytime he hears a loud noise, i think we should be grateful to anyone who is willing to put their life on the line, so i don't have to. [cheers and applause] yeah, okay. but i'm open-minded about being closed-minded! so what's the issue here? >> president trump signed an executive order calling transgender people unfit to serve. >> one part says being transgender is, quote, "not consistent with the humility and selflessness required of a service member." >> another says being trans conflicts with, quote, "an honorable, truthful and disciplined lifestyle even in one's personal life."

>> michael: well, yeah, that makes sense that the military has to be honorable, truthful, and disciplined. sure, this is your secretary of defense, but that's all the more reason -- [applause] the rest of them have to have their shit together! it's like how every beatles album had to be packed with hits to make up for the one song that ringo wrote about wanting to [bleep] an octopus or whatever. i got to say, the military sure has a lot of ethical rules for their mission of killing people. "hey, you want to blow some guy's head off? you better say please and thank you!" but to be fair, trump had another argument against trans soldiers as well. >> they specifically cite readiness with transition surgeries. if you have a transition surgery, the recovery time and the narcotics that you have to be on as parts of the process could effect your readiness for up to 12 months. >> michael: oh, up to 12 months?

do you know how long our wars last? i think they'll have time to get back in the game. vietnam war, 11 years. afghanistan war, 20 years. even our "storage wars" last 15 seasons! first of all, transgender people make up .1% of the military. so, commander in chief, you're ruining the lives of people who are dedicated to serving america while doing nothing to affect the larger military. i don't see why a transition surgery should affect readiness more than any other surgery. trump is acting like they're doing transition surgeries on the front lines. "medic! i need a medic over here! we got to get this guy a labia stat!" also, what do you mean, "readiness?" modern war is just telling a drone to drop bombs. i'm pretty sure it doesn't matter what your sex is to go like this. that's how they drop bombs. but trump isn't just doing bad things to good people.

he's also doing good things to bad people! it's been a week since he pardoned everyone who had a normal tourist visit to the capitol on january 6. and i'm sure they're making the most of their second chance! right? >> a man pardoned by president trump for his role in the january 6th riot was shot and killed by an indiana deputy during a traffic stop. >> michael: okay, except for that guy. that guy really wasted a presidential pardon. look, if i ever get a presidential pardon, i'll tell you what i'm not going to do: i'm not going to get shot to death. so what exactly happened there? >> police say the deputy tried to arrest matthew huttle on sunday, but he resisted and the deputy shot him. investigators say huttle had a gun. >> michael: hmm, a routine traffic stop ending in the police shooting a man they claimed had a gun? ordinarily, this is the kind of thing liberals would cry "police brutality," but if it's a january 6er? i have a feeling they're going to be like, "we need to back the

blue on this one." liberals are getting so much whiplash trying to decide if this cop is bad or good, rachel maddow is going to be in a neck brace. but aside from the ones who are dead, all the rest of the january 6th rioters who trump released from prison must be so happy right now! >> houston authorities are trying to find a man pardoned by donald trump for his role in the january 6th riots. andrew taake is wanted for a 2016 charge of a solicitation of a minor. >> michael: okay, well, not that guy also. stop. but look, any group as large as the january 6th crowd is going to have one sex creep in it. there's probably one in our audience right now. raise your hand if you're a sex creep! that guy in the plaid shirt. that woman. sir, come on. the point is, all the rest of them are doing fine. >> a mint hill man who pleaded

guilty to his involvement in january 6th is possibly facing other charges. court documents show david daniel is facing child pornography charges. >> michael: wait, what? i'm starting to worry that the people who broke into the capitol and took a shit on nancy pelosi's desk are not upstanding citizens! you know what? forget about those two pedophiles. >> andrew kyle grigsby of louisville, who was pardoned for spraying capitol police with bear spray, is currently incarcerated in a kentucky prison for two counts of child pornography. >> michael: jesus christ! at this point, it might have been better for them to stay in prison. at least, then they were heroes! now they're all going to individual prisons for child pornorgraphy, like, "so do you guys have a choir?" for more on the fallout of these january 6th pardons, we turn to troy iwata. [cheers and applause]

troy, it seems like a lot of these people who got pardons have other problems with the law. >> yes, michael. i don't want to overgeneralize, but it does seem like 100% of them are sex criminals. >> michael: okay, that does seem like an overgeneralization. >> it does, doesn't it? that's like saying all trans people are unfit to serve in the military. it's ridiculous. [cheers and applause] >> michael: okay, well, how are the police going to recapture these people who are wanted for sex crimes? >> oh, i don't think the police would waste their time on these silly predators. but hey, random -- did you know they're certifying joe biden as president again right in the capitol building over there? it would be a shame if any january 6ers stormed in there to stop him from taking power.

>> michael: that looks like a prison. >> no, no, no, this is the u.s. capitol -- obviously. and they are about to certify joe biden right over there! just past those heavy barred doors of the capitol that lock from the outside. >> michael: troy, is this an elaborate sting to catch the child predators that did january 6th? >> shut the [bleep] up, kosta! this is a very real thing that's happening! ooh! ooh! look, there's mike pence, just walking around with his neck fully exposed! and oh, no! a whole bus just broke down and it's full of junior cheerleaders! will no one help them? >> michael: come on, troy, troy, they're not going to buy that. >> you're right michael, the people who thought the election was stolen can't be tricked. oh, my god, nancy pelosi's desk just walked by! and it's looking clean!

it would be a shame if someone re-shat on it! >> michael: troy, her desk just walked by? >> it did! alongside hunter biden and, oh, the whole cast of "high school musical: the musical: the series." and all of them want to try this mike's hard lemonade? fun! you better get down here, patriots, because their parents won't be home until morning! [audience reacts] >> michael: good luck, troy. troy iwata, everybody! when we come back, we go to war with sports, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

—tell me about all of the ingredients in guacamole. so we have fresh lime juice,

we have cilantro, and we have red onions, jalapeno, and avocados. and we hand chop everything every morning. you'll know how real it is because of how it tastes. [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." i think i speak for everyone when i say, politics drools and sports rules. for a full recap of the biggest stories in the world of jocks and straps, we turn to "sports war." >> announcer: get ready for battle! it is time for "sports war"! brought to you by gambling! gambling. fiscal responsibility is for pussies. [cheers and applause] >> what's up, numb nuts! i'm ronny chieng! >> michael: and i'm michael "the raw dawg" kosta! and this is "sports war," the show where we are legally not allowed to agree with each other. >> that's right. so if i say football games should only be played indoors... >> michael: then i say every game should be played like that scene in "top gun:" shirtless, on the beach, and in slow motion.

[cheers and applause] >> but let's get to the biggest story in sports right now. we've got an nfl super bowl rematch for the ages! philadelphia eagles versus the kansas city chiefs. and that means all of our attention will be on one thing: taylor swift. [cheers and applause] >> the kansas city chiefs are headed to their third straight super bowl after defeating the buffalo bills. >> as the confetti fell, taylor swift joined in on the celebration, sharing a kiss with boyfriend travis kelce. >> just do a little dance, make a little love. >> they're already coming up with prop bets like, how many times will you see her? what outfit will she have on? but there's some gutsier ones, like, will travis kelce propose? >> michael: hell yeah! love is in the air, and i just bet all my heart medication money on it. now if travis doesn't get down on one knee, he'll break two hearts. if travis pops the question, i'm poppin' bottles. in fact, i'm doubling down on a pregnancy parlay in november!

>> hey, you don't know anything about love, kosta. this is why it was so easy for me to catfish you into thinking i was a busty 25-year-old from ukraine. >> michael: wrong again! i knew it was you the whole time and i'm in love with you. what we have is real! besides, i need something to bet on since the nfl rigged the game for the chiefs. >> okay, look, the nfl is not rigged for the chiefs. it comes down to talent. it's like calling this show rigged just because i win every argument. i've got the brains of bill belichik and you look like the son of forest gump. >> michael: [speaks in forrest gump's accent] well, mama always says, "ronny chieng's a huge piece of shit." [speaks in normal voice] which brings us to our nfl big game bet of the week. now legally, we can't say the name of the big game in a bet or the nfl will sue us. but i can present you my "souper bowl, spelled differently, bet of the week." ♪ ♪ will the nfl declare the chiefs winners before the start of the second quarter? brought to you by gambling. gambling: you don't even have to

know a shady italian guy to do it anymore! >> now the game won't all be about stupid love stories. the chiefs will be taking on the eagles, and philly is already practicing for a victory celebration. >> philadelphia's eagles fans spilled onto the streets, celebrating their big win. >> this was the scene as tens of thousands packed broad street. >> philadelphia's mayor sharell parker tried to fire up fans. she led a chant, spelling the team's name, eagles. >> let me hear y'all say, e-l-g-s-e-s. eagles! let's go, birds! [buzzer] >> michael: you're out of the spelling bee. now step aside and watch an indian kid crush your dreams. this kind of behavior is exactly why the eagles don't deserve another championship. their fans don't even care enough about the team to spell the name right. even ronny can spell "eagles" and he can't even speak english. >> i wish i didn't speak english.

my life would be so much better if i couldn't understand you. this is exactly why i love the eagles. even their fans have cte. the last time the eagles won the super bowl, a fan voluntarily ate horseshit to celebrate even though no one asked them to do it! meanwhile, the streets of new york city are filled to the brim with horseshit because it's been so long since either new york team won a super bowl. please win already so kosta can start licking these streets clean. which brings us to the ronny's soup-or-bowl bet of the week. which animal's feces can i trick kosta into eating? brought to you by gambling. gambling: home ownership is a burden. >> michael: all right. stop laughing. let's move on from the nfl to a story none of you have seen because it's about hockey. >> the washington capitals escaped with a 3-2 road win over the oilers last night, in a game that capitals goalie logan thompson might argue should not

have been so close. that's because thompson says he was distracted by a tray of nachos on the ice as he gave up a goal in the third period. who among us, really? the nachos, having been tossed onto the rink by a fan, did not interfere with oilers players as they skated into the capitals zone and took the shot from a few feet from the discarded snack. >> wow, these athletes have become so soft, they're getting their ass whipped by nachos? hey, let hockey fans be part of the game and throw whatever they want on the rink. popcorn, divorce papers, their most aerodynamic children. you brought them to a hockey game, you're already a bad father. >> michael: shut your puck-ing mouth, ronny. these nachos created a dangerous situation for players who should have been focused on beating the teeth out of each other. plus, it's really hard to do your job with a stupid annoying piece of trash in your peripheral vision. in that analogy, ronny, you're the wet, cold trash nachos. boom! "the raw dawg" is killing it tonight!

how's that raw dawg kosta queso tastin'? which brings us to our michael kosta's "super bowel bet of the night." how many people would mourn if ronny slipped and drowned in a vat of nacho cheese? as always, brought to you by gambling. gambling: your mom's atm pin is probably your birthday. >> well, that's all the time we have for today. join us next week when we debate if a tie really is as bad as kissing your sister. >> michael: well, i can tell you from personal experience, it's not nearly as hot. ♪ ♪ [rock music] [cheers and applause]

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from dreamworks that brought you, "kung fu panda" and "puss in boots", comes a new breed of superhero. what if we sew the dog's head onto the man's body? great idea! ♪ work it, make it ♪ ♪ do it, makes us ♪ dog man! you have all the strengths of a dog. and all the skills of a kung fu cop. [ grunting ] why do ya always gotta lick the... blah! inside of my mouth? [ whimper ]

carl never really thought much of his credit scores. until he got credit karma and used his scores to score more. like this less humble, humble abode. that's what i'm talking about carl. intuit credit karma. download the money app where your hard work pays off. when caroline has a cough, she takes robitussin. so she can have those one-on-ones again. hey, jim... can we talk about casual fridays? for sure. what's up? get fast powerful cough relief with robitussin and find your voice. ♪robitussin♪ [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a comedian and actor who stars in the new animated film, "dog man." >> you only have one job to do. keep your eyes on those monitors. so if somebody breaks out your favorite chew toy and waves it around, you... you look at the monitor! and if someone has a juicy and delicious treat, you are not going to look at it.

you -- you look at the monitor! and if somebody just happens to have an eastern gray squirrel, you... no! you just sit here and don't mess this up! >> michael: please welcome lil rel howery! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> michael: yes! look at us! we are looking good! >> you look great. i look cold. [laughter] >> michael: this movie is fun. this movie is fun. you have been performing for everybody for many, many years, but this is a kids' film. tell me about knowing they are going to be listening and watching. you change up your strategy at all? >> all i did was not curse. [laughter] >> michael: same energy? so in that clip, when the police chief is walking around with his

hand, are you doing that in the booth? >> am i taking my hand around? no, that is weird. [laughter] >> michael: see why i don't book a lot of animation? i send in all of my auditions and i'm going like this. >> why did you bring props? it's voice-over! >> michael: you were told to bring some extra crazy noises? >> that is with any of those things. with kids, you have to be very, very, very, very animated. and my kids pick on me. as a dad, i am pretty chill. my kids say i got a performance voice. so it is really irritating. dad, around the house, you are like, "hey, what's up? but then you are on tv and you're like "hey, i'm lil rel come everybody." shut up. [laughter] >> michael: are your kids -- it doesn't matter what we do. our kids -- >> kids are so mean! >> michael: it's unbelievable. a lot of easter eggs for adults as well. but you read the book to some kids in the bronx. we have a couple of pictures of

that i think. look at you. that is pretty great. [applause] he can read! amazing! >> but i am laughing because i just turned 45 -- >> michael: same. >> thank you, brother. >> michael: nice. >> as you can see, i have my glasses off because i'm at the age where anything too close, i can't see it. i do have the glasses where you have the nearsighted at the top and the farsighted at the bottom. i was trying to be cool in front of the kids so i wore the ones with just the one prescription and so i was like, dang, i got to read. [laughs] >> michael: right. i fell off a curb two days ago. i sprained my ankle. >> yeah, you on crutches. i took the book out and i couldn't see it. it's crazy when you have to explain something about being 45 to 7-year-olds who don't care. i was like, because i got to take these off because i'm 45 years old and i cannot see. i can see, what chapter are we on?

>> they don't care. >> they didn't care. >> michael: i have to tell you that whenever my wife and i travel, and something happens to little pocket knife and they took it, or the bottle of water -- >> wait? you brought a pocket knife? >> michael: i didn't know it was there. i am always armed. i got a bunch of crazy people. no. i had a little knife i bought in upstate new york that i loved and i left it in my backpack. that is not the story here. >> [laughs] >> michael: the story here is that whenever tsa interrupts us, we always say your line from "get out," which is "you are the ts [bleep] a. they handle shit." i just want you to know that you are in my life. you are in my marriage. i mean, that is weird. you know what i mean? i love that film. tell me a little bit about "get out," and that character. [cheers and applause] >> i will say this, especially having a tagline, it's not too many times where you have a --

this was my "yipee kay aye, [bleep]." that "ts [bleep] a" is still one of my favorites. i hate when i go to an airport, i always feel like it is a favor i have to do. and they would be like, "ts [bleep] a, take your shoes off." >> michael: [laughs] thank you very much for coming. [cheers and applause] "dog man" will be in theaters everywhere january 31st. lil rel howery. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> michael: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> and now they are resorting to what, telling us that trump supporters can't eat mexican food? >> if you voted for trump, you are not allowed in mexico. no tacos, no enchiladas, nothing of that for you. >> oh, yeah? what are you going to do? what are you going to do? are you going to co ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's a family guy! ♪ [stewie chuckles, squeals] what the hell? oh, hey, brian. i was sick of waiting my turn outside the supermarket, so, i bought every coin-operated horse in town. i assume you're on the unicorn? you know me well, sir. must be a dozen horses here. how do you possibly have the money for this type of stuff? well, i'll tell you, but only on one condition. -fine. never mind then. -investing! i invest in the stock market. the stock market? ugh. what do you even know about that stuff? it's easy, i just follow trends and invest accordingly. for instance, there are more single people over 50 than ever. so, i'm investing in handguns and blackout window shades. they don't want to be part of society, brian. they've made that very clear. i don't know, stewie, if you ask me,

the stock market's just a rigged game where the top one percent make out like bandits, and regular people get hurt. are you reading off a teleprompter, right now? -no. -[teleprompter crackles] the prompter's down. what do we do? brian, vamp! so, great to be in quahog, rhode island, today. that's why he's the best. our top story, an austere monetary policy has the european union on the brink of collapse, threatening the entire global economy. and for viewers making less than $40,000 a year, your top story is a big ufc fight this saturday. wow, i can't wait to see that fight! me and the guys are gonna watch it at the clam. peter, we have dinner with my parents that night. it's my mom's birthday. you have to be there. lois, if you let me out of this, -i will go to meg's ballet recital in your place. -deal. [♪ classical music playing] [peter] i did not go to the recital.