- thank you, santa. it's real slippery out here. [rhythmic sound approaches] - oh, my god. - twelve drummers drumming. [rhythm picks up] ♪ ♪ [crisp military-like drumming] [clang] merry christmas, erin. take it away, boys! [drumming continues] ♪ ♪ [clang] ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> jon: boom! hi, everybody! well! [cheers and applause] my name is jon stewart. let me tell you. we've got a fantastic show for you tonight. later on in the program, we're going to be talking to comedian auteur mo amer in a bit. very excited about that. but first, if i could have just a moment of your time, let's talk about america's lord and savior, donald jehosafeffer trump. they are not booing, they are

saying "bruce" for no apparent reason. when he ran for president, he had an urgent message about the state of the country. >> our country is being lost. we're a failing nation. we are a nation in decline. we have to fight for our country, and we have to fight like we've never fought before. it's like we're a giant garbage can. >> jon: how dare you! if anything, america is a recycling bin. useless and made almost entirely of plastic. but that's it. we have to fight to save our country! and now daddy's home and he's going to take out the trash. and two weeks into the trump presidency, we have a better sense of the evil and powerful forces that have been dragging our once great nation into decline. >> the trump administration removed transgender references from federal government

websites. it now reads "lgb" instead of "lgbt." [boos] >> jon: they have no idea the damage t was doing to our nation. consonants! because i think you will agree with me, there is no t in u.s.a. if you spell it out, obviously, that becomes an issue. and if you want a b.l.t. for lunch, things could get ugly. but nothing will stop america's low-t like no t. what other changes are making us great again? >> the trump administration ordering all gender ideology references be removed, including pronouns, in email signatures. >> jon: oh, yeah.

consonants and pronouns! you are next, prepositions! no more pronouns in email signatures! good luck signing your emails now, president xi! [cheers and applause] or should i say... president him? those are just the actions of the president has taken to prove he is still kind of a dick. but believe me, he has not taken his eye off of america's true nation-state. >> president trump is reiterating his threat to, quote, "take back the panama canal." >> trump suggesting he could use military force to take greenland. >> president trump had a fiery phone call with denmark's prime minister, putting the nato ally in crisis mode. >> jon: denmark, panama,

greenland, the axis of where are those? now lest you think that pronouns and panama were the twin forces shackling america to a prison of national decay, there are also more powerful forces at play in this dangerous world. some of them closer than what you might have ever imagined. >> a new era of trade wars. trump says tariffs are coming on canada and mexico and even the european union. >> jon: what is happening? the e.u., canada? do we have any friends? i mean, mexico, i get. trump's been hate-[bleep] mexico pretty much since the escalator. that is the truth. but canada? ca-nada? we're picking a fight with our most reliable and pleasant friend, the labradoodle of

allies? but i guess that's trump tough! you know what i mean? you got to walk into the prison yard, walk right up to the one guy who really doesn't seem to be a problem at all, and just -- take that, best friend, who has willingly signed up to fight in every ridiculous war we've ever gotten into! let that be a lesson to the rest of the world. we are a terrible friend! denmark, panama, and canada. we're america! we used to fight the nazis. now we're scouring the globe for easy marks. what are we, like, the jake paul of nations? [cheers and applause] is that what we are doing? no offense. "i know china's out there, but

panama's a legitimate fight!" in fact, i'm calling out everyone in fifa's concacaf division! yeah! oh, trinidad and tobago, you got to gang up, huh? that honestly, like, i can't believe you laughed at a concacaf joke! soccer is back, baby! [applause] look at me, getting all skewed in the tie. now, in trump's defense, he did explain today why we're going after canada. >> i mean, i look at some of the deals made -- i say, "who the hell made these deals? they're so bad." >> jon: so bad. the trade deals with canada are so bad. he's looking and saying, "who

made these?" ladies and gentlemen -- don't get ahead of me! ladies and gentlemen, for your dining and dancing pleasure, come with me into the way back machine, to 20-aught-18. i give you the culprit of the terrible deal with canada. >> this morning, president trump signed a new trade deal to replace nafta with the leaders of mexico and canada. >> the best trade deal, they say, ever made. >> jon: oh! a deal done by trump's greatest nemesis. trump. [applause] for president trump, this trade war has awoken a sleeping giant. not canada, not mexico, but the democratic minority senate leader. release the schumer! >> it's going to affect beer. okay? most of it, corona here, comes

from mexico. it's going to affect your guac, because what is guacamole made of? avocados. >> jon: your response to the trade war is to [bleep] tell us that guacamole is made of avocados? is that what -- [applause] oh, boy. "when the people find out their precious super bowl dip is comprised of mainly avocado, also tomato, sometimes onion -- it's a bit much for me." excuse me one second.

democrats, can you please stop [bleep] trotting schumer out there every time -- [cheers and applause] trump traverses into the unreal? he's not good at this! what is the decision-making process? "hey, who should we get out there to effectively battle one of the most savvy presidential media manipulators in history? i don't know. how about schumer? he's uninteresting, but at least he's monotone! oh, wait! and chuck, before you go out there, you look too young! put on these readers. and lower them on the nose! perfect." honestly, listening to chuck schumer speak on almost

any topic makes me want to bomb canada. kidding, of course, by the way. we have a couple of canadians here from montreal and i don't want to upset them because i am going to need an apartment soon. [cheers and applause] now before we get rattled by trump's two-to-two-and-a-half front trade war, please understand, mexico has received a 30 day stay on tariffs by promising 10,000 troops to the border, and we've promised to stop the inflow of guns. so self-invented crisis averted! but what can canada do? i'm sure there's an equally performative gesture canada could make. >> what i'd like to see, canada become our 51st state. [audience reacts]

>> jon: mexico, you can send a few troops to the border. but canada, if you could cease to exist as an independent entity. fair? what's that, mexico? oh, no, we can only take one state. there's no 52nd state. washington d.c.? go [bleep] yourself. what's up, puerto rico? no, it's just canada. i think you know why. i think you know why. canada. all right. of course, by the way, since we were writing this show at 4:00 p.m., trump has already said he's going to pause the terror of war with canada well, because... agh! of course, it makes sense to wrap up the trade war right now, so we as a country can focus on the biggest thing that is weakening our great nation. >> diversity, equity, and inclusion. >> jon: yes, dei. diversity, equity, and inclusion. maga world's blamed this scourge

for everything from the fires in california, to the attack on bourbon street, to inflation, to the baltimore bridge collapse, to why your children are confused about the race of mermaids. because mermaids, boys and girls, are gingers! they have always been. the latest example being the plane crash in washington. it was the dei-est. but don't take my word for it. let me let "mtv's road rules" star and "fox & friends" b-teamer explain dei. >> you can't focus on diversity, equity, and inclusion when you try to hire air traffic controllers. you want the best, you want the brightest protecting yourself and your family. >> we will have the best and brightest in every position possible. it is color blind and merit-based. >> jon: look, there's a lot of reasons why the faa is in a bad place. but these guys would have you believe that the main problem is

that standards were somehow lowered to make sure that a black person or a gay person gets a chance to land your plane. even though the requirements to become an air traffic controller are the same! but by culture-warring this tragedy, americans spent that terrible night holding their breath that the pilot or the air traffic controller wouldn't be a woman, or a black person, or in a wheelchair, as though because what they are trying to do is make the default setting on competence in america can only a white guy. that is what it is. a reset to the factory default. because of course, these two are there purely based on merit and smarts. [cheers and applause] and it is just taken for granted. it undercuts every person of color, woman in this country, that the job that they have,

they don't deserve. [bleep]. it's the mantra in the republican party that gives you brain-turning moments like this. >> in the united states of america, we get ahead and succeed by merit and merit alone. >> jon: yes, merit and merit alone, says rnc chairwoman lara -- hold on, let me get my glasses -- trump. "it was a blind submission. never saw her name on the application!" that's the irony of this whole thing. the people standing next to trump on that terrible night blaming dei and trying to reinstall white guys as the only non-suspect pool of hires are themselves dei hires, for one particular identity they possess: the ass-kisser. [cheers and applause] >> the president's leadership has been remarkable during this crisis. mr. president, you make our jobs a lot easier. >> i want to echo what the transportation secretary said

about your leadership. >> thank you for your leadership and courage on that, sir. >> i think you make a really important point on that, mr. president. >> the president is right. >> and again, i want to thank you for your leadership, mr. president. [audience reacts] [boos] >> jon: dei! "[bleep]-sucking ego inflation." [applause] obviously, if you think of [bleep] as a compound word. but you can gaslight us all you want, cause the one thing you didn't count on is our secret weapon. >> the roots of democracy are deep. people are aroused. i haven't seen people so aroused in a very, very long time in terms of going, trying to get this done.

>> jon: aroused. for more on dei and what it is going to do to our country, we go live to the white house correspondent josh johnson. josh! [cheers and applause] nice to see you, sir. let me ask you, i know this is an important subject to you. josh, what are you hearing about the dei initiative? >> jon, what this administration is doing is dangerous. it is the perversion of the dream of martin luther king jr. they've turned it into a nightmare, where the content of a person's character -- [speaking together] is judged by the color -- >> of their skin. from the white house, i'm desi lydic. >> wait, what's going on? >> jon: i'm sorry, desi, this is josh's report. >> hmm? oh, you guys didn't get the executive order? we can't do dei anymore.

[audience reacts] >> you're replacing me? but you're a woman! >> yeah, a white woman. >> white woman beats black guy? >> look, white women don't make the rules. we just tacitly embrace them through our overwhelming support of donald trump as a voting bloc. [applause] >> we should be on the same side. okay? white women, black men. both held down by the white man. >> yes, but the white man is my husband. and sometimes, he lets me have rights as a treat. and i love my little treats. nom, nom, nom! >> jon: i'm sorry, desi, what about the executive orders changes our current situation? >> well, the fact is that dei is over, jon, which means only the most competent people will -- aw, shit. hoisted with my own petard. >> [laughs]

that's right, it's totally petarded, which is something we can say now, thanks to trump. and thank you, desi, but i'll take it from here. you can go back to the milking room or wherever women lay eggs. [audience reacts] >> come on, no, no. this is bullshit. i stole this job from josh on merit! >> jon: isn't this a problem, guys? trump's reducing us to rungs on a racial and gender hierarchies. we shouldn't be ranking our identities! >> exactly. but if we did, i should outrank desi! i mean, back me up here, kosta. at the end of the day, we both got hogs! >> no, no, no. it goes race, then gender, then height, and then the tiebreaker is a list of establishments your father owns. >> listen up, petards. i don't see sex or color, okay? i just see s.a.t. scores. i don't mean to brag, but the kid my parents paid to take the s.a.t.s for me knocked it out of the park. >> oh, i'm sorry, are we talking

s.a.t. scores? [cheers and applause] really? >> no, no, no, not your s.a.t. scores. >> oh, yeah, that's right. because it's all about merit and high test scores until it looks like this, then suddenly, we got to defend the white boys like it's a rape case at kappa sigma phi. >> hey, that was settled out of court! >> yeah, it's all a meritocracy until we get those h1bs and take your coding jobs, then, "oh, it's not fair!" >> does black beat asian? >> no! >> no! >> your days are numbered, kosta. chieng out! [cheers and applause] >> back to you, jon. >> jon: thank you very much, michael. i guess if there's one thing we've learned here -- >> ahem. >> jon: is it because of the jewish thing, or because of the age thing? >> does it matter? >> jon: i guess not.

[cheers and applause] >> when we come back, my guest will be mo amer. stick around. i'm gentile stewart. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight, he's lovely. my guest tonight is a writer and stand-up comedian who stars in the peabody award-winning netflix series, "mo." >> he is embarrassed to even say it is israeli. what are you trying to hide, guy? >> just respecting the food's regional routes. >> roots, roots, i'll tell you about ruth's. you know the fake ass while they have in israel? you know what is behind that wall? that is where the recipes are. >> it is my grandma's recipe is.

>> it's not a bomb. >> it's an ankle bracelet. >> thanks a lot, karen. you trying to get me killed? >> just because an arab guy comes in here with a beard on his ankle starts going off doesn't mean he's going to blow up the [bleep] place! [cheers and applause] >> jon: please welcome mo amer! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ have a seat, my man! >> i can't sit before use it. no, you sit! >> jon: hospitality. >> hospitality. >> jon: my man! your show is so good. season 2 has just come out on netflix right now. >> right now. >> jon: people should watch it -- i benched it and it is just -- let me tell you something that bothers me.

i'm not trying to obviously -- there's a lot to talk about. >> what bothers you? i want to know. people leaving their windows open on aircraft? what are you looking at at 7:00 a.m. out there? >> jon: trying to keep things. when you are so funny, and your comedy is so good, and then i find out, watching the show, that you are also a great actor? and that bothers me. you are so good! >> i have seen not. [cheers and applause] tremendous. >> jon: thank you. >> jon: my kids don't even believe that was me. that is how bad erosion has taken its place. >> thank you so much, man. >> jon: you can get to a very emotional place with this thing and i have known you for a very long time, and i know that you cry all the time just generally.

>> [why are you doing this? >> jon: what was it to get to that? >> the crying? >> jon: yeah. >> it was my first experience with that in the first season, the confessional. but really, it is just such a personal story, and some of the things that we are doing in the show was like, recreating the actual memories. >> jon: of yours? >> with my grandmother. like, "grammy." it's a very painful thing to go through, but i also knew that it is the realist way to tell the story. the most grounded way to tell the story. and it is very hard and you have to be as controlled and composed as possible and sometimes you lose it and that is okay. >> jon: right. it is also, for those who don't know, it is the story -- your story is complex, and you are born in kuwait, and you have to flee, and you end in houston. >> right, which is the natural

place you land. >> jon: most people go from kuwait generally to fort worth. but houston also. >> [laughs] >> jon: and so what is so interesting about your story is, what is great about the show is, you don't sugarcoat the absurd measures that we in this country have around our immigration system. and the various questions and steps. one of my favorite scenes in the show in the second season -- i love the first one too. but you are trying to get -- he gets kidnapped and taken to mexico, now he's got to get back is a stateless person. you were there, you need what is called the past, w what is not? >> i don't know. i don't know. >> it is basically like a pass, a day pass to reenter the country legally. since i exited it illegally, but there is this blurred line in my character obviously runs with

it. "i was kidnapped!" but it's about reentering back and i want to speak about this. like, i deliberately wanted him to be stuck in mexico and i wanted to show their journey of a refugee, right? because in the first season, he's already there. >> jon: you are in houston. >> you are in houston and the show takes place in houston with some minor flashbacks here and there to show the beginning of their story. but i wanted people to see what it takes to actually get to america because most people see that immigrants are coming, and they immediately think they are going to become american citizens overnight. it is a long process and i also wanted to show how absurd the system is and i wanted to see, for people to see my character is also very privileged in this scenario. he is crossing the border, he ends up -- some spoilers. >> jon: speaks english perfectly. quotes hank williams. >> all the time. that happened to me when i would travel overseas to stand up, and

come back to the states and i would be in the immigration because i did not have a passport. i had a refugee travel document and i would be on the side and they would look at me, "do you speak english?" like, yelling and speaking slowly does not fix it if i don't speak english. i don't speak english. like, and i would reply, okay, this is nice. well -- >> jon: and you start quoting hank williams songs. >> but that was the idea, to show the absurdity of the system itself, to show how privileged the character is as well, even though he is a asylee and refugee. there is a scene at a detention center where there is a detainee talking about how he has to go through mudslides and jungles and snakes and the cartel and drink the juice of the vienna sausage can and he looks at me and it is like, "how did you get here?" and i was like, i took a bus to mexico. >> jon: but what it really demonstrates is the tenuous notice that someone who is

stateless, on these asylum papers, in this process, you can't just [bleep] up at all. you can't make one mistake. at one point, they put the "you get deported, because as -- it is a great scene, and he meets the ambassador of mexico because he needs the laissez-passer. >> so i am stuck in mexico, i need to get to the ambassador. really, the only way i can reenter legally is for him to sign off on a laissez-passer, which is extremely hard to get. >> jon: he finally gets to see the ambassador of mexico and it is there, right there in front of him, and they happen to get on a conversation about israel and palestine. [audience reacts] and the ambassador does not use the word "occupation." and mo -- this is so great in this scene, because he's right there -- just blows up the whole process and goes "that's it! i'm out!" >> it is something you just can't let go of. he says a peaceful end to the

conflict, and there is so much complexity to it. i mean, so many layers, nuance to it and history to it. and it was just frustrating. i couldn't let it go. it is really for my own life. if i'm sitting there, i will not be able to let it go. it could have solved everything. but i will never be able to forgive myself. how funny would that be if he is just a massive [bleep] up, but he has his morals intact, and his ethics intact. >> jon: even burning complexity, you have this whole complexity of statelessness ands you have to go through through the first season, and a special-needs brother who is fashioned out of your actual brother. wwho is on the spectrum but doesn't know it. and it's almost 40? >> yes. my brother is older than that now. yes, in the show. >> jon: in the show. and in the season, you couldn't also escape the israel-palestine of it all. >> correct. >> jon: the complex city of that most are brought to the writers room, to your heart -- we talked about this a lot.

>> it was so easy. no, sorry to cut you off. it is a way to ease the tension because it was excruciating making the show. it was absolutely one of -- andd i feel shameful even saying it. it was excruciatingly painful to know what they were going through in gaza. like, i really -- oof. it was a hard one to swallow. are you going to talk about october 7th? you can't not talk about it. everyone has their own opinions. i discussed it would confuse the early and you are just, like, the best human on earth. thank you -- really, because in a moment where i felt so lonely, you were one of the people i could call and really talk to about this and it was very difficult. it was very easy, once i spoke to you and obviously, the writing room was integral to this process, and i love them so much for having such difficult conversations because we started on april 1st. we went on strike may 1st. we came back october 1st of '23. six days later, the only palestinian show on television,

you can imagine the conversations we are having. i decided, absolutely not. we are not going to talk octobe. there are several problems with it. number one, it has been a year since we started production. you have a whole year that lapsed, that so many things can change, and you can write something that wouldn't be correct. second of all is that now it needs a lot of context. everything you write about october 7th needs to sound like everything started on october 7th. and i felt like it was a trap. it really felt like, every time we went down that rabbit hole, they show just became didactic and we lost everything and we became a full-blown drama and this is a comedy show. and it is a massive disservice to the character is. let the characters tell the story. let's build off of that, and it will take us exactly where we need to go and that is what happened. >> jon: i think what you did so well that i was so impressed with was navigating all those

artistic difficulties, what you seemed to settle on was -- and it is a show about statelessness and not belonging -- and in that final episode, you show that connection to the land, that your family has to the land, that your father and that he has a videotape of his father, and actual real videotape of your actual father who unfortunately, you lost. >> he passed away in '95, correct. >> jon: and to see that, it made it all -- i thought it was such a beautiful moment that contextualized this in such a way of humanity of, like, oh, right, fear urges people who live on a plot of land with some olive trees who have been there since their grandparents and their great-grandparents and boy, you did it so beautifully, mo. i can't give you enough flowers. and i know it, you just said,

the pressure, you are only the palestinian show so you have to do it this way are you have to tell the israeli story. the thing about art that you did so well was, you told your story. it is just one story, but boy, is it resident, and boy, is it funny, and complex, and beautiful, like you, and i just so appreciate you. >> thank you. i appreciate you. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> jon: really special. i will also say this. i have also seen you writing a moped and that is very funny. >> [laughs] why you got to do this to me? i ride motorcycles, okay? >> jon: that's right. except when you were in ohio. [laughter] >> okay, maybe in ohio during the pandemic, i was riding mopeds. >> jon: other than that. >> people are making fun of me because i was bigger than the moped. everyone was like, maybe you should get a motorcycle. i was like, fine. i was divorced at that time and

i was like, maybe eight motorcycles, you know what i mean? i just kept buying more motorcycles. >> jon: but now you got a kid! >> married and have a kid! backstage! >> jon: backstage right now. [cheers and applause] now do you feel like this is completed and now it is off to the races for stand up and all the other things that you do? >> yeah, i'm touring, i'm doing a tour that is based off of a character in the show, which translates to "the palestinian bear comedy tour." but yeah, i am doing that, going into the next special but there is so much more story to tell. there is so much more to do. you mentioned into the ankle monitor, i do get deported but it is also going to confuse people because i have to get deported but there is a thing, it is actually very, very funny. it is very, very comedic. you can get deported and released on your own cognizance, which means you are deported but you can stay.

>> jon: right. >> but you are deported. >> jon: you play it like an abbott and costello routine. so are you deported? yes. but you can't leave? correct. the reasons you are giving in the show, could you not be deported because they wouldn't send you -- because you are stateless? >> because you are stateless. this is apparently a really common thing when you are stateless or not. i thought, you don't want palestinians returning anyway. [laughter] where you deported back to? palestinian. stay in houston. we will give you a work permit, do your thing. but no, it is apparently, like, really, really common. i forgot the percentages but it's a 30 plus percentile where people get deported regularly, but they can stay. >> jon: can i ask with us, was the ankle monitor thing -- >> look at this guy! he is so confused. >> jon: jaw-dropping. >> his brain almost short-circuited.

>> jon: the ankle bracelet, doesn't have a communication device? is it a real thing? >> it's a real thing. we had someone consult on the show who actually was in a detention center and was random. it's all at random. you get an ankle device, just, like, hey, you're number seven, sorry. the first six did not get it. >> jon: but you got it. >> that is not real to my life but what i heard about it, we got to put that in the show. it is going to be hilarious because the guy can chime in at any moment in time on be like "please tell me your location." that can really happen. like, how embarrassing and horrible is that? >> jon: one of my favorite moments in the show, you have a very painful discussion with your old girlfriend, and a really painful discussion, breakup, and you just hear from the ankle monitor "brutal." [laughter] [applause] >> jon: such a great moment. my brother! >> my brother. >> jon: i love you so much.

i am so just delighted for you and your life and your art and all these different things. i can't wait to see what the next thing is. >> thank you so much, man. i love you so much. thank you so much. [cheers and applause] >> jon: "mo" season 2 is available now on netflix. mo amer! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. my man! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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♪ shake, shake, shake, senora, shake it all the time ♪ the perfect blend of flavor & heat. frank's redhot. i put that on everything. ♪ shake shake shake ♪ [cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, that's our show for tonight! desi lydic will be your host the rest of the week! here it is, your "moment of zen." >> i like nepotism, you know? if you can't take care of your kids, you know that better than me. i like nepotism. a lot of people say, oh, nepotism, usually, these are people without children. but i like nepotism. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> sorry. ♪ it seems today ♪ ♪ that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ hey, thanks for helping me pick out a new computer, you guys. oh, no problem, quagmire. god, this place is always so crowded. we gotta find someone who works here. can i help you, sir? sorry, all i got is a quarter, pal. oh, excuse me, sir. my buddy here is looking for a computer. i would like to elect you president. what are you doing? you gonna get a new phone while we're here? maybe. but i gotta see which one i wanna take in and out of my pocket every 30 seconds for the next six years. what do you think, peter? peter? i touched a iphone headphone.

you know what? i think i'm gonna go with this one. guy said it's the newest version. just came out this week. ah, good call, quagmire. you're gonna be like the first guy in the neighborhood to own a model t. [engine chugging] see ya, suckers! i'll be there an hour after you with throw-up all over my legs! are you getting excited for halloween, stewie? you know, we'll have to start thinking about your costume soon. all right, but let's make sure we don't cover up this, all right? it's what puts candy in the bag. oh, look, chris, here's your costume from the year you went as a condom. what the hell are you supposed to be? [gasps] oh, stewie, look! it's your very first teddy bear! oscar? wow, i remember that bear. that's the one grandma and grandpa brought stewie when he was still in the hospital. oh, and here's the card they sent me. "three kids on $40,000? have fun with your crap life."

i guess he got tucked away up here. you want him back, sweetie? what, this old thing? no, no, thank you. i've grown. i've changed. -you sure you don't want him? -i said no, okay? don't you have a wedding dress to try halfway on and then cry about? [phone rings] hello? oh, hey, quagmire. what's up? hey, peter, i need some help with my computer. i can't find my photos. did you look under "photos"? what is that? it's a folder called "photos." yeah, i-i don't have that. i just have 40 folders all called "new folder." okay. you know what? click on your hard drive. okay, now-now the arrow on the screen, that's me, right? yeah, yeah, that's you. okay, now-now just... whoa-whoa-whoa! there's a calculator on this thing?! [sighs] listen, quagmire, what are you trying to do? i just wanna put pictures of my cat on everyone's internet computer. like, how do i do that? okay, wait. there's an agreement that just popped up. hang on. l-let me read the whole thing. just hit "accept." well, that seems a little foolhardy, doesn't it, peter? look, do we have to do this now? i'm watching something. i know. i'm sorry. i-i'm just nervous that somebody else

is gonna get pictures of their cat on the internet first, and then i'll always be known as the second guy to get pictures of his cat on the internet. quagmire, i don't know how to tell you this, but there's already cats on the internet. wait, it's-it's giving me that pinwheel thing. it-it's frozen. oh, my god, oh, my god, it crashed! the whole thing just crashed! geez, quagmire, calm down. we'll figure it out. no, peter, the whole thing's fried! i can't even...! [gasps] ah! damn it! what the hell?! hey, you clicked "accept." hey, what's going on? you doing some reading there? yes, well, you know i turn to poetry when matters of the heart weigh heavily on me. "if you're happy and you know it," "then your face will surely show it." "if you're happy and you know it," "clap your hands." "anonymous." wait-- matters of the heart? what are you talking about? well, lois found my old teddy bear, oscar, in the attic. and i'm just not sure how to handle it, what with rupert and all. who cares? just play with them both. i can't do that! oh, it would be so awkward! um... okay. oscar was my...

well, he was my first, you know. and that's always exciting. but-but i've been with rupert for so long now. uh-huh. most of our finances are intertwined. we've built a life together. on the other hand, oscar... oscar's the only one who can really make me laugh. i hate to say it, but i'm mostly with rupert because of his insurance. stewie, i think you're overthinking this. no, you're right. you're right, brian. i'm with rupert now. i just need to forget oscar. no matter how intense our relationship was. [ ♪ stereo playing jazz] that's amazing. it's like you took all the colors that exist and said, "[bleep], here's a new one." hi, can i help you? well, that depends. do you know how to fix pieces of junk?! haven't been stumped yet. [computer plays woman moaning] okay, i see what your problem is. i-i-i tried to buy a sweater online, and i-i think i got a virus. no, the porn's not the problem. your browser history shows

that you've been going to kinkylatinas.net. but that site has a bunch of malware. -oh. -personally, i'd recommend college latinas. i mean, i wanna see latinas, but i also want them to -speak english. -yes, exactly. wow. so you're into that kind of stuff, too? [sultry] uh-huh. would you, uh, would you have dinner with me? absolutely. excuse me. i bought this laptop here yesterday, but when i got home i noticed the apple already had a bite taken out of it! so, yeah, i was the first woman to ride her bike cross-country with no seat. gosh, that's neat, sonja. and-and where'd you go to college? i think syracuse, but i don't know. my face was buried in a pillow all four years. wow, sounds like you took a full class load. [laughs] oh, glenn, i'm so glad you asked me out. whenever i talk about stuff like this, most people look at me like i'm some kind of disgusting perv. me, too, but who cares?

you should never be afraid to be different. hoo. hoo. whom. morning. [yawns] morning. we kind of had a crazy night. yeah, we... did we? i don't really remember, but i do feel like i might be down a couple of quarts. [empty metal drum banging] well, even though you seemed like a sure thing, i really wanted to make sure. oh, my god! you roofied me?! are you mad? no. i'm in love! sonja, honey, stay right here. i just have to go to the bathroom. wait, glenn. take this wine glass. we can use it later. [voice breaks] my god, i... i've never been so happy!

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