in this hospital bed, i-- i feel like the main character of as i lay dying as he or she lay dying. oh, that's just the amount of superficial quasi-knowledge the old brian had. i missed you, buddy. welcome back. thanks, stewie. you never gave up on me. you knew that wasn't really me. yeah, well, it's no big-- i mean, i was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. you unilaterally decided i was better off a bitter alcoholic failure who can only hang out with a baby. hey. we have fun. hey, lois, guess what. i had them do that two-wiener operation on me. you what? [singsong-y] double trouble. -[thuds] -uh-oh. that was the original. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desi lydic! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> desi: oh, welcome to "the daily show!" i'm desi lydic. we've got so much to talk about tonight. we say rip to dei. a senator wants to fertilize the wrong kind of egg, and the inventor of the cybertruck thinks our government looks stupid! so let's get into the latest in another installment of "the second coming of donald j. trump." ♪ ♪ >> i'm gonna come. >> desi: we all know donald trump isn't a details kind of guy. we elected him to come up with big, brilliant ideas like renaming the gulf of mexico. no one else could have thought of that, or should have thought of that. but it's okay that he's not big on details, because during the

campaign, he promised us that he knew a guy. >> i'm going to appoint elon musk, who's a fantastic guy, to lead a government efficiency commission, tasked with saving trillions of dollars in fraud, waste, and abuse. we have tremendous fat, tremendous fat. >> desi: oh, don't take the bait, desi! don't take the bait. be the bigger person. be the bigger person. okay. that's right, elon musk: the world's richest man and guy who cheers in the wrong parts of "saving private ryan." trump promised us that he'd give elon full access to the federal government. pull it to the side and get all up in it! and unlike his wedding vows, this is a promise kept. >> elon musk's sweeping push to make over the federal government, sparking democratic panic and warnings of a constitutional crisis. >> now we have learned that his

team has gained access to something extraordinarily sensitive: the system that the treasury department uses to disperse almost every check and expenditure of any kind made by the u.s. government. >> that is a vast database with millions of americans' personal information on it. >> desi: yeah. [audience reacts] yeah, elon musk has access to your social security number. and that is not cool. if you want our personal data, elon, you go buy it off the dark web like everyone else! you might be thinking, "i don't want white nationalist tony stark to have sole control of the inner workings of the federal government." but relax, it's not just elon. he has a fully equipped team. >> longtime government employees this week were shocked to find that their new supervisors from elon musk's doge department include recent college and high school graduates between 19 and 24 years old. one of the young men is apparently a former intern at

musk's neuralink company who goes by the online handle "big balls." >> desi: great! "big balls" has my social security number. now i feel better. i know we complained about our leaders being too old, but doesn't this go a little too far in the other direction? surely there must be a middle ground somewhere between crypto-bros and crypt-keepers. not only that, musk has been installing his big balls in a whole bunch of little-known agencies that are crucial in actually running the government: the gsa, the opm, the omb, the o.c., and svu. and of course, the big question about this takeover, and the question we'll be asking ourselves a lot over the next four years is: is this legal? which brings me to our new segment, "is that legal?" to help us out, we go to our very own troy iwata! [cheers and applause]

troy, thank you for acting as our resident legal expert. >> you can count on me, desi. i'm versed in legal statutes, i have access to a network of law professors, and i'm wearing a bow tie. >> desi: perfect! can you help us find out if it's legal for musk and his lost boys to access the sensitive information of the federal government? >> that is a beautiful question, desi! it doesn't sound legal, but nothing does anymore. let me tell you what, let me do some research, and i'll get back to you! >> desi: oh, okay! great, we'll check back in in a minute. thank you, troy. now elon musk isn't just going to get full access to the federal government just to sit back and watch it function like he's some sort of cuck. no, he's going to jump in there and do some cutting. >> this weekend, musk taking aim at the u.s. agency for international development, or usaid, which is in charge of

dispensing tens of billions of dollars in foreign aid. >> usaid employees are waking up this morning to an e-mail notice telling them not to show up to work today, as musk says he is shutting the agency down. >> desi: yes, the richest man in the world is cutting off aid to poor countries. why can't you just be a normal billionaire and cohost "shark tank" or run an nba team into the ground? now i'm not saying there's not some cuts to be made in foreign aid spending. you just don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater, or what's the expression i'm looking for? >> as we dug into usa -- usaid, it became apparent that what we have here is not an apple with a worm in it, but we have actually just a ball of worms. and so at the point at which you don't really -- if you've got an apple, it's got a worm in it, maybe you can take the worm out. but if you've got actually just a ball of worms, it's hopeless. and usaid is a ball of worms. there is no apple.

and when there is no apple, you've just got to basically get rid of the whole thing. >> desi: okay! we get it! we get the metaphor! you don't have to keep saying "worms" over and over again! you know, i have a metaphor too: elon musk's charisma reminds me of a ball of worms. [cheers and applause] of course, usaid was codified by an act of congress, so if trump thinks he can have elon musk kill it, he must have a strong legal reason for why he can do it without an act of congress. >> wouldn't it take an act of congress to do away with usaid? >> i don't know, i don't think so. >> desi: or not. why should he know? he's just the president. fortunately, we have a legal expert who can help answer that question. let's go back to troy iwata. >> what?

>> desi: troy, i got another one for ya. is it legal for the president to shut down usaid without an act of congress? >> oh, uh, i'm not done looking at the treasury department thing. >> desi: well, troy, we kind of need to know this now. we have to keep up with trump. >> okay, so should i do this question first? >> desi: no, do both first. >> okay, but this is going to take a lot of work, i have to -- >> desi: thank you, troy! thank you! obviously, republicans are standing by musk for the most part. they say that trump ran on cutting spending, and this is all just a part of that. but is there, perhaps, a senator who could make that point in the weirdest, creepiest way possible? >> i like omelets. i mean, i really like omelets. i could eat an omelet at every meal. i like omelets better than sex. [laughs] not really, but you get the point. i like omelets. you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs.

>> desi: did we really have to learn all about this guy's sex life just so he could get to a common expression? "i can only climax when someone steps on my balls. anyway, there's no use crying over spilled milk." i don't know if i understand senator kennedy's metaphor, but i definitely understand why he's been banned from denny's. anyway, if you're looking for senator kennedy's wife, she's the woman in the grocery store yelling at the eggs. "you stay away from my husband, you cage-free sluts!" [applause and laughter] i'm just kidding. i'm sure she prefers eggs to having sex with him, too. but elon musk isn't the only one having people fingerbang their eggs florentine with excitement. donald trump is also reducing the government workforce,

although his interests seem to be less about cost-cutting and more about sweet, sweet revenge. >> tremendous unrest inside the fbi as prosecutors and agents who worked on the january 6th investigation are being targeted. >> it looks like a wholesale purge at the fbi. as you know, already the eight top officials at the federal bureau of investigations have been fired or forced to resign. now the fbi is being asked to produce a list of every employee who worked on any case related to january 6th. i am told this is 6,000 fbi employees all told. >> desi: what the [bleep]? these agents were doing their job enforcing the law, and now they're getting fired? that is not how it works! i cannot believe i have to explain firing to the star of "the apprentice." that was your whole fake job! and this is obviously just the beginning, because trump is going to to be targeting

everyone that's ever come after him. and i just want to say, i'm not scared. so mr. trump, bring it on. [cheers and applause] bring it on. that's coming from me, jordan klepper. k-l-e-p-p-e-r. [cheers and applause] obviously, of course, the big question over trump firing fbi agents is, "is that legal?" troy! >> what? i'm still doing the other stuff! >> desi: don't worry about that stuff, but also finish that stuff. and add on this new stuff! find out if the president's executive powers include the termination of officials ordered by the former attorney general to investigate the criminal actions of his accomplices.

>> i didn't get any of what you just said. i need to get a pen -- >> desi: thank you, troy! the truth is, practically everything trump is doing these days is in a legal grey zone. just today, he announced an executive order dismantling the department of education. he started a sovereign wealth fund. he's considering deporting u.s. prisoners to el salvador. and he's ordered billions of gallons of water to be wasted in central california. troy! >> oh, my god! you can't be serious! >> desi: is the sovereign wealth education citizen deporting water wasting legal? >> how many more questions are there going to be? >> desi: eight more, every hour, for the next four years! >> jesus [bleep] christ! you're going to find out in a second if it's legal for me to blow my [bleep] brains out on the air! >> desi: well, is it? >> i don't know! >> desi: troy, look, i know this is a hectic pace, but it's important that we find out the answers so we can be as informed

as possible about whether this administration's actions are legal. don't you agree, troy? wait, troy? >> yo, what's up. troy got fired by elon musk. >> desi: what? is that legal for elon musk to fire one of our employees? >> of course it is. everything elon does is legal, bro. >> desi: wait, who are you? are you big balls? >> no, of course not. big balls is my fraternity brother. you can call me floppy taint. >> desi: goddamn it. floppy taint, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, we'll cleanse your workplace, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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absolute nonsense throughout the government and the private sector. >> several major companies from walmart to ford motor company, mcdonald's, and lowe's have already scaled back or abandoned dei programs. >> desi: wait, lowe's had dei for its employees? from walking around their stores, i didn't even know they had employees. that's where i go when i want to be alone. of course, if you're in charge of a corporation that's trying to suck up to the president, you might need some help purging your office of dei. luckily for you, "the daily show" has a training video. ♪ ♪ >> hello. if you are watching this, your company has decided to get rid of its dei programs. >> over the last four years, you've been learning tools to fight racism, sexism, and other hateful behavior in the workplace. >> this training video will help you unlearn all that stuff. >> let's get going. you come to, sugar tits.

any bit of dei in your dei starts at the top. you've already fired your chief of diversity. as well as any other executives we suspect of secretly doing dei. >> in this new era, fostering an inclusive workplace is no longer a priority. isn't that right, jamarcus? >> my name is edward. >> "my name is edward." >> we want to create an environment where everyone is welcome. to make everyone else feel unwelcome. so. >> let's try some role play. take a look at this scenario. >> hey, edward. you did a great job on that presentation. >> thanks, man. >> and freeze. do you see what went wrong here? let's try it again with all of our dei training forgotten. >> hey, edward. you did a great job on that presentation. can i touch your hair? >> i don't want to be in the video anymore. >> perfect. if you witness something that

seems a little dei, don't hesitate to reach out to a white manager. >> for example, if you work in a department with less than four guys names todd making good money, please call 911 immediately. yep, me again. >> thank you for watching this video on how to undei your office. with these tools -- >> with these tools, your office productivity will skyrocket and become a perfect meritocracy. >> just like my dad intended when he founded this company. >> bro, i am so glad we were roommates in college. >> can't believe we lucked out. >> drtravis. [cheers and applause] >> desi: when we come back, nicole avant will be joining me on the show, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is the best-selling author of "think you'll be happy" and critically acclaimed producer of the netflix film, "the six triple eight." >> make no mistake, ladies.

they did not send us because they thought we could do it. we are here because they are sure we cannot. when there is no mail, there is low morale! this is our mission! and we will not fail! >> desi: please welcome nicole avant! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> all right! so happy. so happy. >> desi: i am so delighted to have you here. i was so excited to meet you. you are not only a critically acclaimed producer, author, you

are an entrepreneur, you are a philanthropist. you are the former ambassador to the bahamas. >> yes, i was. >> desi: leave some to the rest of us. you are a busy woman. >> i am a busy woman. but it's good. >> desi: i am very happy you are as busy as you are. >> trying to be productive with my life. >> desi: you certainly are. this movie was incredible, "the six triple eight." it was just nominated for an oscar for best original song! [cheers and applause] >> yes, so excited. diane warren wrote the song and it is so beautiful, typical diane warren, and then h.e.r. sings the song. and the two of them coming together, it is just beautiful. >> desi: it perfectly suits the story. tell us about the story behind "the six triple eight." i had not heard the story. which is crazy to me. >> me neither. >> desi: incredible, legendary women, these patriots who changed the war.

where did you learn about the story and how did you make this happen? >> so one of my fellow producers, kerry, sent me a sizzle reel and she said, listen, i know that you love history and american history and i think we have a great piece of american history that has not been told. and i had heard of major charity adams but i had no idea about the battalion, and the 855 women. i had no idea about the backlog of mail and 17 million pieces of mail, and they had six months to deliver the mail. everyone had tried to deliver this mail, all the men, everybody has tried to deliver this deliver the mail. no one can do it. they figured, we will send these women over. they are not going to be able to do it. you have six months, good luck. they did it in three months. and these women, we have to thank them for this and i wanted to give them their flowers and we did. [applause] >> desi: in the most beautiful way. >> thank you. >> desi: congratulations. >> thank you. >> desi: grateful that story was told in that way. i want to talk about your family.

your father, clarence avant was a legend in his own right, music producer. there is an incredible documentary, "the black godfather." if you haven't seen it, go watch it. >> on netflix. >> desi: it's on netflix. you produced it. >> yes. >> desi: and you also wrote this incredible book, "think you'll be happy," and you set out to write a self-help book, and this unimaginable tragedy happened in your family, and you suddenly had to change course, and you decided to tell that story. >> yes. i decided, you have to begin again. we all have to begin again in different parts of our lives and at some point on our journey, and for me, i wrote "think you'll be happy" after my mom died, after she was killed. it was just so -- imagine, i spoke with her the night before. everything is great. and her last words to me were, "okay, think you'll be happy." i figured, i will go to her house the next day and see her.

there was an attempted robbery. robbery went bad. my mom got caught in the cross fire. and i woke up to a call from my husband in the middle of the night saying, "get to the hospital, your mom has been shot." your world shatters, your heart shatters, and i realized, i do not anyone else to feel so alone. there is no real -- everyone says, you will feel grief in this way and then you will feel it this day, this way -- no. grief comes in stages, it comes in waves, everyone feels it differently. but it is a part of life and i didn't want people to feel ashamed of talking about being in grief, and also, give people tools how not to be taken down by grief, and i felt i was drowning in quicksand a lot of the times. and then i thought, you know what, no. this man already took a life. my father said, you are going to let this man take your life too? finish your book, make the movie.

my dad was 92 and came to live with us. and it was -- but it was such great advice because he said, nicole, you have a life force. you have a life. i have given you life. you need to do something with your life. you need to honor your mother and you can't let someone else, again, take your life force, your creativity, your future. so make the most. he always used to say, you come with a number and you end with a number. what are you going to do with your dash? your life is your dash. and you have choices every day. and so i wanted to honor my mother but also share all of the lessons i learned from her, and great life lessons, but my father, too. mostly about my mom. that is why "think you'll be happy," she left me with a mantra to think constructively, to be a good person, and to show up and create the best life that i can. [cheers and applause]

>> desi: you had two incredible parents, and i know that you are making them so very proud. thank you for being here. congratulations on everything. you are loved. you are loved. >> thank you, thank you, thank you. [cheers and applause] >> desi: "the six triple eight" is streaming on netflix and "think you'll be happy" is available now. nicole avant. [cheers and applause] we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] [not my name by the ting tings] ♪ they call me stacey ♪ ♪ they call me her ♪ ♪ they call me jane ♪ ♪ that's not my name ♪ ♪ that's not my name ♪ ♪ that's not my name ♪ ♪ that's not my name ♪ ♪ ♪ are you having any fun? ♪

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with eight crispy bold louisiana wing flavors, in bone-in or boneless, you just might have everyone chanting “m-v-p” in your direction. " m-v-p" ♪love that chicken from popeyes.♪ >> desi: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> now the education department. why nominate linda mcmahon to be the education department secretary if you are going to get rid of the education department? >> because i told linda, i help you do a great job and put yourself out of a job. i want her to put herself out of i want her to put herself out of a job. ♪ it seems today ♪ ♪ that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ [announcer] we now return to muppet babies. piggy, i don't think kermie jr. is doing so well. kill me! i'm in constant pain! [knocking] oh, hey, quagmire. hey, peter, do you mind if i hang out here a while? i accidentally made eye contact with a transvestite at a bar, and he followed me home. you knew what you were staring at! get out of here, you mess! you were far away! i didn't know what you were! -you know you want me! -shut up! now go home! nobody saw me come here! i said, shut up! [whispers] sneak around back. oh, sure. come on in, quagmire. oh, you don't have to take your shoes off. our house sucks. so, quagmire, if you're some kind of big ladies' man, how come i never see you wearing a necklace? i, uh... that's not really my thing. -i'll get you one. -please don't. [a la vinny] hey, come on! the guy wants to get you a necklace, let him get you a necklace!

[insect buzzing] ah! ah! there's a bee in here! [screams] [both scream] [harmonized screaming] can you take it up here...? wow, we sound amazing together! i know! that was incredible! you know, we should do something with this. yeah, maybe we could open up a mattress store. or we could try singing. yeah, singing, that's good! wow, finally, something in my life that makes me feel special. i mean, except for when i had those cow udders. so, as you can see, the fiscal projections for the fourth quarter make this thing a slam dunk. any questions? not about my cow udders. all right, then, looks like we got ourselves a deal. this is cause for celebration. [cork popping sound] [all cheering] [chuckles] i don't care, i'm not driving. okay, what do you got for a lyric? "i put a booger on a painting at the museum."