i-i just think he's a douche. you got a problem with that? well, we're all entitled to our own opinion. for example, me-- i think seth macfarlane's a douche. -what's that now? -yeah, i don't like him either. yeah, me neither. wait a second, i-i hear he's a pretty nice guy. yeah, good-looking guy. talented, young. talented? he ripped off the simpsons. yeah, he watched tv in the '80s. we get it. and he only puts out, like, ten new episodes a year. and then he splits those up into five dvd sets. he doesn't make those decisions, chris. those decisions are made at the corporate level. but he still takes the money every week. how noble. and doesn't he have a whole staff that writes those episodes, anyway? well, i-i wouldn't know about that, but i-i think, and i hope, chris, that ultimately, people will just remember the laughter. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desi lydic! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> desi: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm desi lydic. [cheers and applause] oh, boy. we've got so much to talk about tonight. the holy land might be turning into sin city, donald trump is back in the eviction business, and michael kosta really needs to use the starbucks bathroom. but first, let's kick things off with another installment of "the second coming of donald j. trump." ♪ ♪ >> i'm gonna come. >> desi: every day since trump came into office, he bombards us with ridiculous policies, we go

crazy trying to keep up with them, and before we can catch our breath, he hits us with something else even more absurd. it is exhausting and unsustainable. so starting today, no more of that, okay? no more! [cheers and applause] i have a whole script here full of important issues that i want to talk about, and i'm not going to let donald trump distract me with some crazy new idea. >> this morning, a stunning proposal from an american president. donald trump, with the israeli prime minister by his side, declaring that the u.s. will take over the gaza strip. >> the u.s. will take over the gaza strip. we'll own it. [audience reacts] [boos] [audience reacts] >> desi: okay, let me ask, what? and also, what? >> president trump made a surprising suggestion last night

during a press conference with israeli prime minister benjamin netanyahu. the united states, he said, should take over the war-torn gaza strip and redevelop it into something like a seaside resort. >> we have an opportunity to do something that could be phenomenal. and i don't want to be cute. i don't want to be a wise guy. but the riviera of the middle east. [audience reacts] >> desi: what the [bleep]? trump is going to turn gaza into the riviera? he couldn't even turn atlantic city into a nicer atlantic city! [cheers and applause] if anything, they tore down so many of his casinos, he turned atlantic city into gaza. but okay, he wants to rebuild it and he wants to turn it into mar-a-lago. at least the palestinians will have a place to go back to. >> donald trump calling for the permanent resettlement of

roughly 2 million palestinians. >> i don't think people should be going back to gaza. i think gaza has been very unlucky for them. >> and he says he's willing to use the u.s. military to do it. >> we'll do what is necessary. if it's necessary, we'll do that. [boos] >> desi: okay, so just so i'm clear, your idea is to take over gaza, rebuild it into mar-a-lago, and make sure that the palestinians who live there can't go back? that is the craziest thing he's said since yesterday and until tomorrow. even his chief of staff was shocked. look at her face! she looks like she just won best country album at the grammys. [cheers and applause] and of course she's shocked. he's effectively advocating for ethnic cleansing.

who could possibly be okay with that? >> you see things others refuse to see. you say things others refuse to say. and after the jaws drop, people scratch their heads and they say, you know, he's right. [audience reacts] >> desi: no, they usually scratch their heads and say, "what the [bleep] are you talking about?" [cheers and applause] of course bibi is ecstatic at trump's idea. look at him, he looks happier than a teenager getting a handjob in the back of a birthright bus. but bibi aside, this proposal is giving a lot of people whiplash. trump ran his whole campaign on "america first," and now he's out there chanting, "from the riviera to the sea!" even trump's republican allies aren't on board -- although, of course, they have to let him down easy. >> we're trying to get the

details of it. it was a surprising development. >> senator josh hawley says, quote, "i don't know that i think it's the best use of u.s. resources to spend a bunch of money in gaza." >> we also heard from senator lindsey graham, "i think most south carolinians would probably not be excited about sending americans to take over gaza. i think that might be problematic." thom tillis likely with the quote of the night, which was, "there are probably a couple kinks in that slinky." >> desi: "there's a couple kinks in that slinky?" that's how desperate these guys are to not openly disagree with trump, they're just making up sayings now. of course some of his supporters, like steve doocy, are trying to give trump the benefit of the doubt. >> it was a jaw dropper last night. the the cover of "the new york post" is "we'll take over gaza. " i think this is just the tipping -- you know, this is the conversation starter. because obviously, the president knows when he says we'll take gaza, he knows the united states can't invade another country.

[audience reacts] >> desi: of course, america would never invade another country. you can read all about it in steve doocy's american history book, "me just got lobotomy, by steve doocy." [cheers and applause] so to summarize: maga people think this is dicey. their eyeballs think it's batshit crazy. and the entire plan is d.o.a. unless trump can do some real outreach to countries in the middle east. and based on his response to this reporter from afghanistan, i don't think he's got the skills to do it. >> i'm from afghanistan. as our expectation from you, do you have any plan to change afghanistan's situation? >> i have a little hard time understanding you. where are you from? oh. actually, it's a beautiful voice and a beautiful accent. the only the only problem is, i can't understand a word you're saying, but i just say this. good luck. live in peace.

[audience reacts] >> desi: "good luck, live in peace?" why does he sound like he's saying goodbye to e.t.? "the people of earth wish you peace, may your slinky have no kinks!" for more on trump and gaza, let's go live to the white house with jordan klepper. [cheers and applause] jordan, is there something i'm missing? this plan just seems crazy! >> maybe it's not crazy. maybe it's so good, it sounds crazy, desi. maybe it's time to think outside the box. they say it's better to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission. but what if we did neither? that's outside the box thinking. >> desi: okay, but what's being

proposed is a war crime. have you considered that? >> i'm desperately trying not to, desi! i'd rather not contemplate american culpability! so let's just think of this as the brainstorming phase. no bad ideas. >> desi: how about a two-state solution? >> bad idea. come on, desi. let's be serious here. you don't want to drive the palestinians out? fine. we'll drive them up. put the entire gaza strip on ten-foot stilts. create a bunk bed situation. palestinians on top, singing lullabies to the israelis below. who says no to the top bunk? no one! >> desi: but the framework for a two-state solution already exists. there's no need for displacement. >> don't think of it as displacement. especially if you're a prosecutor at the hague. instead, how about this? let's get some cruise ships, and the palestinians can explore the world! after a few years, they can come back refreshed with one of those

little jamaican hair braids, maybe a weird french accent whenever they say "croissant," calling elevators "lifts." all that bullshit. >> desi: but then they go back to live in gaza? >> no, then they get right back on the boat, another trip around the world, hair braids for all. >> desi: what was so wrong with the two-state solution idea? >> come on, desi, if that idea existed the whole time, then what's happening right now would make us the bad guys! so let's just keep spit-balling. oh! here's one: we take every israeli and palestinian and surgically swap their faces. now, they don't know who's who! "are you my wife or my neighbor? i can't tell! i guess we'll have to live in peace!" >> desi: are you pitching "face/off" for the middle east? >> do you have a better idea from a nic cage movie that doesn't make us complicit in war crimes? >> desi: i guess we could get the palestinians to fall in love with cher -- no!

no! you're dragging me into this! no! >> i don't know what else to do, desi! maybe ai is the solution? >> desi: how would ai be a solution? >> that's the first thing we'll ask ai! >> desi: no, that's it. brainstorming over. these are all stupid. and like it or not, bulldozing gaza and kicking out everyone there is not a real solution. it's cruel, it doesn't make us safer, and it will undeniably make us look like the villains of history. >> you know what, desi, you might be right. but hear me out: what if palestinians stole the declaration of independence? >> desi: oh, my god. get the [bleep] out of here! jordan klepper, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, michael kosta will tell us how to make that cheddar, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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tonight's segment is sponsored by men's swearhouse, the first members-only club for guys who love to curse. men's swearhouse. you're going to shit the way you [bleep]. now full disclosure, i'm a part-owner, and we are not doing well. all the more reason to make a little badly needed monay... starting with the super bowl this sunday. i don't know about you, but i plan on watching the game ebenezer scrooge style: peering into my co-worker's window while he cares for his sick child. it's going to be fun. and thanks to big daddy trump making mexico bend the knee, i'm going to be turning some green mash into that green cash. hit me! >> trump struck a last-minute deal with mexico, putting a 30-day pause on those tariffs. >> avocados are going to sell a lot in the next week. it's what, sunday, the super bowl. so if that tariff had hit, the retail price would have jumped up at least 25%, and everybody's guacamole would have been that much more expensive. >> ay, chihuahua!

gracias por el dinero para biblioteca! that's right, no tariffs mean avocados are going to be flying off the shelves faster than speedy gonzalez. you should be bullish on all things guac a mole mole mole! of course, i'm [bleep]. i bought thousands of avocados thinking there would definitely be a trade war. so now daddy's got a u-haul full of avocados parked in secaucus and let me tell you something: they are rotting fast. which reminds me, this segment is sponsored by miguel kosta's brown gauc. it's as tasty as it is brown. [cheers and applause] i knew you would love it. moving on! it's been a crazy week in the market and my phone has been cha-cha-chinging off the hiz-hiz-hiz-ook. there's a trade war, there's not a trade war, the market's up, it's down. but as i always say, volatility means prof-a-tility.

>> phrase: coined! >> that phrase is coined. and with panic in the air, no company is capitalizing on that more than daddy starbucks. i said, hit me! >> you now need to buy something at starbucks if you want to use the bathroom or just hang out there. starbucks' ceo says the goal is to bring back the coffee house vibe that's diminished in recent years. >> hell yeah, starbie! more places need to do stuff like this to fight loitering. like my local park. hey, buddy, buy a tree or get the [bleep] out! but seriously, this is a genius new business model. people need to take dumps, so what do you do? make 'em buy coffee. which guess what? makes 'em need to dump more. which means they buy another coffee. get it? next thing you know, they're 400 coffee dumps deep, living in a tent outside the starbucks bathroom. that's why i'm rating this move: a mikey likey. [cheers and applause] a mikey likey. moving on!

one of the biggest stories of the week is the rising price of eggs. now if you watch this program regularly, like i'm sure you do, you might have heard me say this a few weeks ago: >> come here, come here, come here. i guarantee egg prices will drop come february. you can bet the farm on it. people saying, "but kosta! the bird flu's getting really bad." so what? chickens aren't birds. they're chickens, you mouth-breathing imbeciles! >> so it turns out, chickens are birds. fine! i'm not a bird doctor, i'm human. and now that i know this, let's make some money! >> this morning, egg prices soaring. the average price for a dozen eggs now more than $5. and in some local markets, prices are as high as $19. the biggest reason: bird flu. according to the usda's price outlook, egg prices are predicted to increase another 20% this year. there have also been egg shortages, leaving shoppers racing to gobble up what's

available. >> you got me. egg prices are nuts! seriously! what do i got to do, take out a mortgage just to make an omelet? what do i got to do, sell my car just to buy a frittata? what do i got to do, pretend to be the long-dead husband of the wealthy widow belvedere, finally back from the korean war? then one night, in the middle of her sponge bath, i sneak off and write myself into her will. but as i'm forging her name, i realize behind all those wrinkles and skin tags lies the kindest, gentlest soul i've ever met. but when i rush into the bathroom to tell her i love her, she's dead. someone left her in the tub alone and she's dead! just to afford a few huevos rancheros? i mean, aye carumba! it's out of control. but don't worry, egg-heads. with high prices comes high-portunity. that's why i'm hella bullish on ladders. they help you climb trees so you

can steal eggs from a buzzard's nest. which means i'm also going all-in on ointment and bandages, because as i always say: momma buzzard don't play like dat. >> phrase: coined! >> now look, i know egg prices can really scramble your bank account. your bottom line is getting poached! but hey, you think these egg prices are painful, try paying to freeze your wife's eggs, then watching her new husband blake fertilize them. let's just say i wasn't too egg-cited to find out about that. i've been sleeping like shit. well, that's all for this edition of "kosta doin' business." i'm michael kosta, reminding you that money can't buy happiness. have a great valentine's day, everybody. [cheers and applause] >> desi: thank you, michael. when we come back, julia stiles will be joining me on the show, don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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golden globe-nominated actor who's making her feature directorial debut with the film, "wish you were here." >> hello? i am looking for charlotte? >> sure. hang on a second. is that a boy? >> yes. >> for you? >> yes. >> why didn't you tell me? i'll hide in chucky's room and when the pizza comes, can you please just slide it under the door? >> no, mom, i need to rinse your hair out. >> i can do it. you think i don't know how to wash my own hair? >> mom, that's not how it works. >> it will be fine. just pretend i'm not here. oh, also, i like hot sauce. >> desi: please welcome julia stiles! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

>> desi: welcome to the show! >> oh, my god. it is so exciting. thank god for this show. you guys are great and i'm so excited to be here. [cheers and applause] >> desi: aw! we are so excited to have you. you are iconic. you have been a part of all kinds of iconic movies, "ten things i hate about you." [cheers and applause] "silver linings playbook," the bourne franchise, and my favorite coming of age film, ustlers." [laughter] >> yes. >> desi: this is the first time you have directed a feature. so congratulations. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. thank you. >> desi: it is such a beautiful story. this is a story about young love. it's a beautiful, romantic drama, with comedic moments. there ything that you discovered in all of your years acting in those types of films that you thought, i really want to do this differently?

>> i mean, i definitely, my radar for a movie like this, keeping it from being saccharine or corny, my radar was up for that. i tried to keep it as grounded and real as possible. but the thing that struck me initially about the book is that the main characters are very young but their love story is so much more mature and touches on things that are a lot deeper. most movies that are about young romance are mostly focused on love at first sight or the initial stages of a relationship, having a crush on someone. this one, they play this game with each other, where the girl will tell him the story of their lifelong love affair together as though they are an older couple looking back on a lifetime of memories together. so it brings up a lot of more universal kind of deeper issues, like mortality and how we should be so lucky to create a lifetime of memories with someone and connect with them and have a life together. >> desi: it does.

the lead character has this magical moment with this young man, it is sort of like a whirlwind romance evening. and then he ghosts her. it turns out, he has a good reason for ghosting her. >> a pretty good reason. he is in the hospital. he is very sick. i mean, that is -- that gets a pass. >> desi: you are saying, all of the men who have ghosted over the years, there's probably a great reason. >> maybe. you never know. [laughter] >> desi: have you ever been ghosted? >> i think i'm the kind of person, it would be impossible to ghost me. if you don't respond to my text messages, i will not stop texting you until i do. and they will get longer. they will be paragraphs, "i know you can hear me and this is how i feel about it." >> desi: "where are you? why are your notifications turned off?" i totally get that. i'm curious, you came up as a young actress, teenager in the

world before social media was really a thing. now every actor that is coming up is on social media. there are platforms and sharing, and it is like your personal life is so out there. do you look back and go, thank god i didn't have that? >> oh, my god, yes. not because i was doing anything that would have been worthy of posting, just because i would have been so tortured. even now, i'm trying to navigate that world and i literally spent two hours yesterday posting and then deleting and then reposting and then second-guessing my caption and then it was all because the alignment of the picture wasn't right. the nerd in me as a grown-up is so tortured that i am glad t when i was younger, i did not have to deal with that. it's a lot of work. >> desi: it is a lot of work. that is the director in you too and that is what your film is so beautiful and i can't wait to see what you do next. congratulations. >> thank you so much. [cheers and applause] >> desi: "wish you were here" is now available on digital.

julia stiles, everyone! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] [ car engine revving ]

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[cheers and applause] >> desi: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> the soaring cost of one common ingredient code to scramble some men use. how local restaurants are dealing with egg-flation. >> egg-flation. that is egg-flation. >> egg-flation, the prices are >> egg-flation, the prices are through the coop ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪

ah, smitty's steakhouse. you know, this was the fanciest restaurant in quahog when i was a kid. the ladies' room has a big space with chairs in it, like a living room, before you get back to where the crappers are. good evening and welcome to smitty's. i'll be back with martinis for mom and dad, and for you kids, some martinis. dad, can you pass the bread? sure. but don't forget the butter that looks like decorative bathroom soaps and is impossible to smear. thanks, dad! this really ruins it! what will you be having, sir? yes, i'll have what i had last time: pheasant on the glass. don't you mean "pheasant under glass"? nope. [chirping] yeah. now turn around and lay an egg on the glass. [cracks] aw, yeah. i defy you to tell me exactly what's wrong with this.

oh, peter, look. you can put your business card in this bowl and maybe win a free lunch. i don't have a business card. and i think you knew that. i hope you enjoyed your meal, sir. may i offer you a toothpick? oh, i-i don't know. we've already spent a lot of money in here tonight. no, sir, it-it's free. oh! peter, that's not how you use a toothpick. you pick your teeth with it. i cannot believe i have to explain this to you. there are gaps in my knowledge. this is hardly news. wow, this is awesome! this is like i'm having a whole second meal! man, this just feels right. that's it. from here on out, i am about all things toothpick. i'm gonna go everywhere with it, always be chewing on it, and start all my sentences with, "all right, here's what you're gonna do." excuse me, we're from out of town. where do people go to listen to live music around here? i'll handle this. all right, here's what you're gonna do.