gabe, just go and have fun with erin. but not too much fun. that girl's going to turn my hair gray. what happened? i accidentally ate some seahorses. how much? i don't know. it's powdered, so like four or five. i don't know. i've got just the thing. [groans] this one's called "earthrise on the moon." [new age music] that's so beautiful. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, desi lydic! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> desi: welcome to "the daily show!" i'm desi lydic. we've got so much to talk about tonight. trump's plan for gaza is still under construction, an old man gets into gardening, and trump pretended to care let's get into it with another installment of "the second coming of donald j. trump." ♪ ♪ >> i'm gonna come. >> desi: yesterday, donald trump unveiled his big plan to relocate gazans and turn their homeland into the world's holiest hard rock hotel and casino. and today, the reviews are in: the arab world hates it, democrats condemn it, republicans have problems with it, and the palestinians won't abide by it. or as trump says:

>> can we ask about your gaza proposal? a lot of people are talking about it obviously. >> everybody loves it. >> desi: i stand corrected. i guess everybody loves it! and even though the plan was totally perfect in every way, his staff spent the entire next day walking back every part of it. >> the president said his intention was to remove palestinians from gaza permanently. >> if we can get a beautiful area to resettle people, permanently. >> but today, the press secretary said it would be temporary. >> the president has made it clear that they need to be temporarily relocated out of gaza for the rebuilding of this effort. >> desi: aw! trump's press secretary just had her first walk-back! this an important rite of passage for trump spokespeople -- their bull-mitzvah, if you will. she was spending so much time walking back the plan that at one point, she ran out of english words.

>> this is an "unhabitable" place for human beings. >> desi: yes, so true. remind me how it got un-ha-billit-able again? and even worse for karoline, while she was scrambling to salvage trump's plan, trump was on truth social re-adjusting it on the fly, which left everybody even more confused. >> breaking just a short time ago, president trump seemed to backtrack, but also to double down on his plan to take over gaza. >> desi: a backtrack and a double-down? [whispers] "and now on the uneven bars, donald trump will attempt the rare combination backtrack double-down. let's see if he breaks every bone in his body." [speaking in normal voice] but while his team tries to fix his gaza plan, donald trump has already moved on. because he's basically the norovirus: every day, he spews executive orders all over the place, and while we struggle to clean up all the puke, he comes out the other end with something even worse.

[audience reacts] he tried to buy-out the entire workforce of the cia, his doj is going after anyone who investigated him, and now he has defeated america's biggest threat. >> at the white house today, president trump signing an executive order banning transgender women and girls from competing in women's sports. >> with this executive order, the war on women's sports is over. we're putting every school receiving taxpayer dollars on notice that if you let men take over women's sports teams or invade your locker rooms, you will be investigated for violations of title ix and risk your federal funding. [boos] >> desi: you notice how he paused right before "invade your locker rooms?" like, "maybe we won't make that illegal. i should have proofread this." it's bad enough that he's banned trans women from sports. but spare us the performance of

pretending that this is a top issue for women in this country! maybe start with, i dunno, reproductive rights, or pay inequality1 [cheers and applause] or why it's 2025 and still, none of my clothes have pockets! now you might be wondering, is this really going to be the entire trump presidency? just divisive executive orders every day for the next four years? probably! but on the bright side, he did have one executive order today that felt relatively harmless. >> i have signed an executive order to resume the process of creating a new national park full of statues of the greatest americans who ever lived. it will be called the national garden of american heroes. and i hope that congress will fully fund this wonderfully unifying project at the first possible opportunity.

>> desi: excuse me, sir. americans already have a national garden, and it sells unlimited breadsticks. [laughter] fossae i never thought i'd say this, but elon, i got some government waste for you right here! does anyone have the phone number of the department of government efficiency? actually, they're all 12 years old -- does anyone have the roblox usernames of the department of government efficiency? but the question is: in these divided times, will trump's garden of heroes help to unify americans? to debate this issue, let's go live to ronny chieng and josh johnson! [cheers and applause] ronny, let's start with you. do you see this garden as

something that could actually raise morale around the country? >> no, this country's pretty [bleep]. that being said, this is actually a good idea. i do like a garden of heroes. america is so divided, but if we can walk in a garden with statues of george washington and neil armstrong and paul giamatti, maybe it'll bring us together. >> desi: okay. josh, what's your take? >> yeah, yeah, it's great -- did you say paul giamatti? the bald guy from "billions?" in your top three? >> uh, he's also the bald guy in "sideways" and "big momma's house." also, i saw him eat a hot dog in union square. although that might have just been a bald guy. but either way, american hero. >> giamatti's not statue status. at best, he can be a plaque or a name on a bench. >> a bench? the thing people fart and smoke crack on? i don't think so! paul giamatti gets a statue,

maybe two! >> we're not putting paul giamatti next to abraham lincoln and john adams. >> paul giamatti won an emmy playing john adams! how many emmys did john adams win for being john adams? >> ronny, what the [bleep] are you talking about? john adams was the second president and he didn't even have slaves. early america. no slaves. second president? pretty cool. >> you know else who didn't have slaves? paul "the hottie with the body" giamatti. >> i'm really trying to be unified right now, ronny, but i'm going to kill you. >> why don't you come here and i'll unify my fist with your face? >> desi: guys, guys! fist-fighting over paul giamatti is not what the garden of heroes is all about! >> oh, i'm sorry, i don't want to walk through a garden staring at lincoln's penis. >> ronny, what? why would his penis be out?

>> because obviously the statues will be naked! like they are in europe. they all got little baby carrot dicks. it's called culture. >> bro, this is america. our statues have clothes, wear funny-ass hats, and ride horses. >> i can give you hats and horses, but they're nude or i walk. >> desi: excuse me, guys, before we get into their outfits, i just want to point out neither of you have mentioned any women heroes. >> [groaning] >> can we please not dei the [bleep] garden? >> desi: oh, come on. imagine walking through the park and seeing eleanor roosevelt, rosa parks, susan b. anthony, and other inspiring women who would look great as gnomes. >> gnomes? >> gnomes? >> desi: it's a garden. obviously all the heroes will be gnomes. you'll be walking around and be like, "oh, look, it's ruth bader gins-gnome." >> we are not making the statues

into gnomes! >> and if we did, wouldn't it ruth bader gnomes-berg? >> i hate you, and i hate your half of the country! >> desi: guys, this garden is tearing us apart! please, let's compromise. for the sake of unity and all things dignified, we will give ronny a paul giamatti statue. >> thank you. >> desi: and to please josh, giamatti will be wearing a john adams hat. >> thank you, desi. >> desi: and he'll be naked on a horse next to a proud gnomes bader ginsberg. >> fine. but she's nude and her boobs have to look like paul giamatti. >> i'm fine with that. as long as she's surrounded by a lovely little field of begonias. >> begonias, you stupid [bleep]? it's picadillies or i burn this garden to the ground. >> desi: okay, you know what, forget the garden. unification canceled. ronny chieng and josh johnson, everyone. [cheers and applause] when we come back, charlamagne will give us his opinion, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> desi: welcome back to "the daily show." we all know i've got great opinions, but i'm not the only one.

studies show that other people also have opinions, so here with another installment of "in my opinion" is our good friend charlamagne tha god. ♪ ♪ >> all right. all right. for the last year or so, people like me have been running around, tearing our hair out, saying donald trump is going to destroy democracy. yeah, i tore my hair out. what did you think happened to it? but three weeks into trump part two, i don't think he's going to destroy democracy anymore. i think he's already done it. the oligarchy is already here. i haven't seen ceos this happy since they caught luigi at that mcdonald's. and now, trump has handed over the keys to the whole government to elon musk. yeah, that's right, elon musk. world's richest man-child! the guy who innovated rockets and really innovated hand-waving. and musk is already doing so much damage to america that isis is getting fomo. >> elon musk has essentially

been a bull in the government's china shop, closing programs, locking out employees from their offices, shutting down websites, locking up email accounts. >> doge has its paws in usaid, the treasury department, noaa, the centers for medicare and medicaid services, the labor department, even the transportation department. >> yeah, elon is stripping the federal government like it's kanye's wife at the grammys. [audience reacts] if you think about it, elon is the kanye of the government. he's an egomaniac coasting off early success who is way more into hitler than you would've thought. somehow trump demanded we get rid of dei, then gave the job of co-president to an unqualified, unelected african immigrant. this country isn't supposed to be run by incompetent foreigners. it's supposed to be run by incompetent americans. i can't believe i'm saying this

during black history month, but elon, go back to africa. [cheers and applause] [laughs] yeah! and take your little minions too. >> longtime government employees this week were shocked to find that their new supervisors from elon musk's doge department include recent college and high school graduates between 19 and 24 years old. one of the young men is apparently a former intern at musk's neuralink company who goes by the online handle "big balls." >> big balls? this is how i know elon is running with a crew of virgins. i never met anyone who's really into balls. no one's like: "send me a scrotum pic! and get that dick outta the way, i want to see what those balls do. i need a man hung like a beanbag chair." how you going to put 19 to 24-year-olds in the driver's seat? they're not even old enough to rent a car! maybe it's just me, but i don't

want the people destroying the government to only know andre 3000 as "the flute guy." so we're in some dark times. i just hope the democrats are organizing an effective opposition to all this. show them what you're made of, dems! >> hey there, um, chris murphy. it's been a very long, long day today. full of a lot of bullshit, so i poured myself a drink. it's pink, it's pink. it's vodka and grapefruit juice. >> you're unwinding with a pink drink in the middle of the game? [bleep], get some amphetamines and get back on the field! okay? [cheers and applause] come on, man! elon's pumped up on mars juice and ketamine. and you're out here having a sea breeze? get in this fight, dems! your mascot is a donkey. donkey punch these [bleep]s! go hold a rally or something.

>> i am going to stand with you in this fight. and we will win. we will win. we will win. we will win. we will win. we -- won't rest. we won't rest. >> okay, see, now i need a pink drink. i need something to sit on. [cheers and applause] this entire generation of dem leadership has got to go, man. one of those guys had a pimp cane, and he still didn't seem tough. you know how hard that is? he'd be the first pimp where his hoes slap him. kick them out, vote them out, hide their life alert. make them walk down whatever stairs mitch mcconnell uses! i don't care! it just needs to change. please tell me there are some young democrats who can speak clearly on this. >> what do we need?

>> [unintelligible] >> what do we need? some [bleep] subtitles for starters. did joe biden sneeze and give all of you dementia? you know what? forget the democrats, and let me talk to republican politicians for a second. i get you want to cut government spending down to the bone. but remember, musk isn't just coming for poor kids that you don't care about. he's coming for your red states. he's coming for medicare, medicaid, farm subsidies! there is no community in america this won't impact. it's not a black thing, white thing, gay thing, straight thing, spit-on-that-thing thing. white conservatives, i expect more from you. you're just going to roll over and let an african colonize you? apparently, they are. >> on capitol hill, republicans applauding musk's goals. >> elon musk is a genius. >> elon musk, he can do whatever he wants to. go look at all of this stuff and stop hand-wringing about

what's going on. >> the democrats need to get used to this. so get ready for disruption. get used to disruption. >> to my friends who are upset, i would say with respect, call somebody who cares! >> you're supposed to care! even if you don't care -- that's right. [cheers and applause] even if you don't care about we, the people, don't you care about your own power? congress is supposed to control spending, and trump is letting musk do it while you watch. elon is constitutionally cucking you! i need you to give musk the same energy you give george soros. you've been talking all that nonsense about evil billionaires with jewish space lasers. elon's got real space lasers! and elon's poll numbers with republicans are already crashing. but don't forget, they can't vote him out of office, but they can vote you out of office.

that's right. [applause] you think elon cares about blowing up your political future? this man blows up his own rockets for fun! so republicans, i know it's tough to stand up to trump and musk right now, but our democracy and your jobs depend on it. so if you don't want the mob turning on you, you need to act like a 19-year-old tech bro, and grow some big balls. [laughs] [cheers and applause] but that's just my opinion! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> desi: charlamagne tha god, everybody! when we come back, ke huy quan will be joining me on the show. so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

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ah! ♪ ♪ [audience reacts] >> desi: please welcome ke huy quan! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> thank you! wow. thank you! >> desi: it is such a fun movie, "love hurts." >> thank you. >> desi: it's a valentine's day action film.

one thing that i love about you is that you just have the most joyful, positive, infectious energy. and one thing that i noticed was your character in the opening of this film is this happy guy, and he's grateful for his life and he keeps saying "i love this life," then as it turns out, he is secretly an assassin. so i am wondering, are you secretly an assassin? >> [laughs] yes. yes, desi. >> desi: i knew it! >> be careful what you say here. >> desi: i knew it! >> that is what i love about him, is that the element of surprise. over the years, action heroes look a certain way, act a certain way, and that is why when i read the script to "love hurts," initially, i turned it down because i just could not see myself in it. but once i found out that they were trying to create a new kind of action hero, someone who doesn't look lethal, until he's pushed to the limits and then you realize, wow, he is freaking badass. and i really love that. >> desi: it is very true.

[cheers and applause] you are lethal in some of these action sequences, and you actually have a black belt in tae kwon do, is that true? >> yeah. [cheers and applause] yeah. thank you. yeah, i studied martial arts for a long time and got a black belt, and that is why when we no were doing this movie, one thing that i know for sure was i wanted to do all the fights myself. i wasn't going to let my stunt double have all the fun. but it was so hard and so challenging. i got so many bruises, aches, and pains. every night, i would go soak my body in a salt bath. i feel like i should get an endorsement from epsom. >> desi: your next dream project would be to play an evil villain. is this true? >> yeah, i always want to play a villain. i think it is so fun.

>> desi: i think you would make a great evil villain. >> i think so too. >> desi: in order to make that happen, we at "the daily show" wanted to be a part of it. i was wondering if you would consider reading a few villain lines into camera. could we get some villain lights? >> yeah. ♪ ♪ >> desi: oh, this is good. >> i'm going to take off my glasses here. this makes me look affable. >> desi: do you need a villain prop? >> yeah. >> desi: evil kitten. and right into the camera. we prepared these for you. >> you go to your closet and you select that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you are trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back. but what you don't know is that that sweater is not blue. it is not turquoise. it is not lapis. it is actually... cerulean. [cheers and applause] >> desi: that was great! you have the job! you have the job.

that last one was from "devil wears prada." i can't wait to see you play a villain. i also love seeing you in literally everything you do. so congratulations on everything! thank you so much. >> thank you! thank you! [cheers and applause] >> desi: "love hurts" will be in theaters nationwide on february 7th. ke huy quan! we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪(samsung galaxy 2025 features “planner” by ryan gorringe)♪

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and though they're darker than the darkest night. they make you see everything in a new light. the kia x-line nightfall collection. ♪♪ [cheers and applause] >> desi: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> some animals are making predictions as they often do for the super bowl. willie at the montana zoo picked the... eagles to win. >> now strawberry the camel also picked the eagles. >> a black vulture and the parrot. >> flounder picking kansas city as the winner, and i predict that kansas city paid her off. that kansas city paid her off. ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ ah! this is so exciting! i can't believe daddy actually bought a minor league baseball team. i love coming to the ballpark. drunken irish in front of a fishbowl of minorities. what could go wrong? dad, what are you doing? this is tailgating, son. it's where you bring all your trash and you leave it for someone else to deal with. here, help me get this christmas tree out of the back. [snapping, cracking] meg's estrogen supplements? [deep voice] i'll take that. thank you. so, what do you think of your first tailgate, stewie?

it's so great. dad gave me a sip of beer. i'm gonna mention that to my teacher, and it's gonna be a big problem. -[thuds] -oh, there's bonnie. we always have so much fun at these things. hey, bonnie, who's on first? who, the person's name or the pronoun? ha! and it goes on like this. hey, joe, how's it going? sorry, peter, no time to talk. -it's my day to shine. -what? [chuckles] yeah. handicapped person at the ballpark-- ramps, private escort, meet the team. [crew] is there a joe swanson? -[grunts] -right here! meet me at that sad balcony! [♪ organ playing "charge"] well, here it is. what do you think? wow, daddy, it's beautiful! yeah, it's really great up here. there's free food, a bar, and you can drop a plastic spider on a string on your friends below. really? go, quahog! -[thuds] -[shouts] i fell trying to lower a spider. good afternoon, fans, and welcome to minor league baseball.