uh-oh. ha ha. woman: you don't even know how to drive. loser. nice car. hey, hank. yes, ma'am. i thought i was very specific about you not letting up a magician. yes, ma'am. i got my eyes open. well, it turns out he actually made it up there. what? that ain't right. yeah. he came and went. wait a minute. you said it was a magician, right? you don't think he could have used, it couldn't have been-- let's just go. night, hank. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> jon: yes! the face of a puppy! welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. and man! we worked almost all day on tonight's show. we've got a great one for you tonight. david remnick will be joining me later. he's the editor of "the new yorker" magazine. they are celebrating -- [cheers and applause] flush call what an erudite crowd! celebrating their 100th year! and we will be discussing the difference between "umlauts" and "diaresis." emphasis on -- i will just go now. [bleep] at. but first, the super bowl was last night! [cheers and applause] and man, oh, it was on

television. it began with the teams being introduced from heaven it was just [bleep] weird. and ended with the kansas city chiefs... in hell! so congratulations to the people so congratulations to the people of philadelphia, who immediately -- [cheers and applause] i disagree, by the way. who immediately celebrated their victory by attacking their own city! killing their own city! dai, philadelphia! they were mashing their own city, doing tens of dollars worth of damage. yeah, that's right, i'm implying it's a shithole! give saquon back!

but of course, my favorite moment was the inexplicable post-victory horse race, where the winner stands triumphant atop the steps of the philadelphia art museum. that is not photoshop. that is the horse ran up the steps of the philadelphia art museum. reared up on its hind legs and went "adrienne!" [applause] but here's -- and i will drop some knowledge. no one really cared about the game, because of the earth shattering announcement that had been made moments prior. >> you know, we're flying over right now we're flying over a thing called the gulf of america and i'm signing a proclamation and perhaps you could define that.

>> jon: first of all, why do you fly around in a hyatt hotel room? second of all, define "proclamation?" or do you want her to say what the actual... i'm sorry i interrupted. go ahead. >> this is a proclamation declaring today, february 9th, 2025, as the first ever gulf of america day. >> and we're flying right over it right now so we thought this would be appropriate. even bigger than the super bowl. >> jon: it's true. bigger than the super bowl. in fact, my favorite thing about gulf of america day are the commercials. ooh! it's very historic. i'm sure we'll look back on this day fondly when america is swallowed up by the rising waters of the gulf of america. you know, it turns out that airplanes might not be the best place to make

bigger-than-the-super-bowl announcements. >> even bigger than the super bowl, this is a big thing and almost everybody now has assented to that. >> attention on board, ladies and gentlemen, if you could please direct your attention out the right side of the aircraft, air force one is currently in international waters for the first time in history flying over the recently renamed gulf of america. [laughter] >> jon: [bleep]. first of all, oh, my god, it shut him up! for even just a second. i think airplane pilots must be the most powerful force in the universe. i feel like the democrats have to get themselves an airplane pilot! "sorry for the interruption, but you can't do that." schumer will be the pilot.

[laughter and applause] but forgive me, i seem to have forgotten: what does calling the gulf of america do? do we get all its fish now? >> all about make america great again, right? that's what we care about. >> jon: make america great again! yeah, boy! everything trump does is all part of making america great again. order one: roll back everything from the previous not great administration. regulations on the environment, regulations on the second amendment, the title ix guidance. and not just the big shit! you want to make america great again? you can't skimp on the details. >> president trump says he's going to reverse joe biden's mandate to phase out plastic straws, saying, "enjoy your next drink without a straw that disgustingly dissolves in your mouth!" >> jon: you -- okay, he's right on this one.

he is right on this one. those straws are [bleep] terrible. objectively terrible. i'm supposed to have some weird tissue paper in my mouth just because turtles can't figure out straws aren't food? no! don't eat the tubes! stupid turtles. so trump is making america great again by taking us back to 2016. but obviously, if we're going to make america great again, we can't stop in 2016. we got to keep pushing to that place when america was truly great. how much further back do we need to go? >> ♪ ymca ♪ ♪ it's fun to stay at the ymca ♪ >> jon: so looks like it is the '70s.

[laughter and applause] oh, like you don't know who burt reynolds is. if you are going to make is great, you have to roll further back than the '70s. what do you got? >> we're going to stop the destructive and divisive diversity, equity, and inclusion. >> jon: yeah, the '70s will not fly. the '70s was all about women's lib and stonewall. no, my friends, we got to go back further to make america great. and ladies, when we do go back, don't worry, it's all going to work out for you. >> you will no longer be thinking about abortion. women will be happy, healthy, confident, and free. like everything else, it's a little bit different today. you're not allowed to say that because if you call a woman or girl beautiful, that's the end of your career. >> jon: "oh, you can't say, "hey, sugar-tits!"

"ladies and gentlemen, we are going to go back to the old days, with regular tits, not the ones that disgustingly dissolve in your mouth." [laughter and applause] jesus. but let's not stop in the '70s. let's keep going! because that sounds like the '50s. the '50s are still too inclusive! by then, italians and irish were considered white. no, that is too far. keep going back! america's greatness awaits! >> we were the richest country in the world. we were at our richest from 1870 to 1913. that's when we had -- we were a tariff country.

>> jon: 1870s! [bleep]! okay. there we go. [applause] 1870s! pew, pew, pew, pew! and while america is presently still pretty [bleep] rich -- apologies, luxembourg -- point taken. who wouldn't trade our current environment for america's 1870s tariff-driven, be-candled, tuberculosis-laden, preindustrial heyday? >> we were so wealthy. we had commissions set up, what to do with all the money that we were taking in. >> jon: quick point of order, though. to the extent that we were at our ricest from 1870 to 1913, it wasn't so much "we" as, like, four guys. and we called them robber barons, as a sign of affection.

meanwhile, for the rest of america, the leading cause of death was falling into a vat at work. and it got to the point where even the robber barons realized that the only way this glorious era in american history was going to end was either full-scale [bleep] revolution or reasonable compromise, which is how we ended up with stuff like income tax, and labor laws, and workplace safety guarantees. so let's really tread carefully in the greatness way-back machine. >> arizona house republican andy biggs introduced a bill this week that would abolish osha, a department of labor agency tasked with overseeing workplace safety. >> jon: to the vats! and fill mine with boiling tallow, boy! what? what? why not just bring back child labor while you're at it? >> when you talk about school lunches, hey, i worked my way through high school. i don't know about you, but i

worked since i was -- before i was even 13 years old. i was picking berries in the field before we had child labor laws that precluded that. >> jon: you were picking berries in a field before your bar mitzvah? by the way, how old are you if you were picking berries before they were child labor laws? because you look great! is the key to good skin working the fields as a child? now i hate to bring this up, but if we are going back to the 1870s and before, does that include every diversity initiative? >> birthright citizenship was, if you look back when this was passed and made, that was meant for the children of slaves. this was not meant for the whole world to come in. everybody coming in and totally unqualified people with perhaps unqualified children.

[laughter] >> jon: don't bring us your tired and poor huddled masses. do you have any mathletes? any doogies howser? we will take all of your sheldons, young and old! for those of you at home who might fear that the president's desire to take us back to our nation's historic greatness may tread into unconstitutional action, fear not! because the brilliant design of our nation allows for the coequal branch of the judiciary to stand as a bulwark against tyranny. as judged in the landmark decision of 1803, marbury vs. madison. which, as you know, was when james madison lost the historic supreme court case to... stefon marbury.

marbury ran him out of the building, and established our foundational separation of powers. >> vice president j.d. vance, he had some interesting words about the separation of power in government. >> jon: he's for it? >> if a judge tried to tell a general how to conduct a military operation, that would be illegal. if a judge tried to command the attorney general in how to use her discretion as a prosecutor, that's also illegal. judges aren't allowed to control the executive's legitimate power. >> jon: ah! of course they're allowed to adjudicate the boundaries of that power! that is the whole [bleep] point of the judiciary! to interpret whether it is legitimate! you went to law school, [bleep]! [applause] the only alternative is that the executive determines for himself

what is constitutional, at which point, there would be no guardrails against... oh. hey, congress? hey, buddy! we got a little separation of powers problem. i was wondering, any chance you might be reasserting your authority? opposition party? democrats? you ready to do some oppositioning? >> there are some things we can do, but the republicans are in the majority in the senate and the house. we're going to need some republicans, frankly, who are willing to lose, who are willing to be a liz cheney and say, i will lose my seat to do the right thing by this country, not the right thing by donald trump. i haven't seen it yet. let's hope. >> democratic congressman dan goldman of new york.

[laughter and applause] >> jon: that's the sales pitch. "we just need someone on their side willing to lose everything for progress! like a russian dog being shot into space!" you can see the democrats' backbone in our new show, "america backslides," starring dan goldman as hopeful loser! ♪ ♪ [applause] but fine, we have to rely on republicans in congress to be a check on trump. how's that going? >> republican senator thom tillis says that while he believes trump's actions run "afoul of the constitution in the strictest sense," he believes "nobody should bellyache about that." >> you're comfortable if he shuts those down without getting congressional approval? >> well, congress will be involved at some point, but i think the country's comfortable. >> they're using that authority right now in a way it hasn't been used in a long time so it looks radical. it's not. >> do you think he violated the law?

>> well, technically, yeah. i'm not, you know, losing a whole lot of sleep. ♪ ♪ [applause] >> jon: well, it's been a good run, america. it's looking like we're becoming less like the constitutional republic it's been for 250 years, and more like the monarchy that we all fought to escape from... but i think the important thing -- [slow clap] [cheers and applause] >> well, well, well...

[cheers and applause] >> the prodigal son appears to have returned! [cheers and applause] >> jon: hold on. do my eyes deceive me? is that young john oliver? are you here to offer us your wisdom and counsel? >> oh, no, no, jon, i'm here to gloat! america had its little fun experimenting with democracy, didn't you? you fought so hard to get away from us -- acting up, throwing all that tea into the harbor? you still owe us for that, by the way. >> jon: i mean, it was just tea. >> it was just tea? you take that back! you take that back right now! >> jon: i know! i's a very sensitive beverage. >> the point is, you told

everybody that you were going to be different. you weren't going to turn out like your mean, old dad, who was so horrible to you when you were growing up. so we sat back, we let you spend your wild teen years experimenting with your ridiculous ideas of checks and balances, because deep down, we knew that once you got that nonsense out of your system, you would be back. in fact, if i may sing from "hamilton" -- [pitch pipe sounds] [cheers and applause] >> jon: i really appreciate not. >> that's fair. what i'm saying is, let me be the first to welcome america to its monarchy era. congratulations! you can now take your place in the pantheon of great empires alongside the british, the roman, the klingon, wakanda, whatever one babar the elephant was the ruler of. i forget. >> jon: hold on a second, mr. oliver. if i may, ambassador oliver, for a moment.

>> please. >> jon: america, yes, we are having some trouble with democratic governance, but i don't think we want to abandon our republic and go full empire. >> why not, jon? you really prefer the system you have now? oh, i need 51 votes for a bill to pass! is the vice president in town to break a tie? oh, wait, is this one of the bills that needs 60 votes for no clear reason? well, i'm sorry, little timmy, no health care for you! >> jon: all right, it doesn't sounds great when you put it like that. >> oh, you mean when i put it entirely accurately, jon, it doesn't sound great? what i'm saying is, don't fight being a monarchy, jon, embrace it! kings get shit done! now is it stuff you wanted done? not necessarily. but they do move quick! they taste cumin at lunch and they've taken over an entire continent by dinner time. that is how the british rolled, jon. [bleep] everyone else. they are not like us. in fact, if i may sing a line from mr. kendrick lamar -- [pitch pipe sounds] >> jon: no, no, no. i really don't think you should do that.

>> i appreciate you for stopping me on that one. >> jon: not to be short-sighted, but spoiler alert, john, things didn't end up so great for the british empire. >> first of all, how dare you? we are technically between empires at the moment, but we are keeping our castles warm and our crowns bejeweled for the day that we get back on our feet! >> jon: look, no offense, but i'm not sure the imperial model is for us. >> oh, really? the imperial model isn't for you, jon? have you seen anything america has done over the last 50 years? because for a country that doesn't want to be an empire, you're doing a pretty [bleep] good impression of one! invasions, economic exploitations, and now, suggesting turning gaza into a beachfront casino? even king george would be like, "i don't know, guys! feels like the situation is a bit more complicated than that. and i'm literally dying of medieval brain disease."

he was. he was doing that. [applause] he was dying of a medieval brain disease. he was crazy but he could see that it was an unreasonable request. >> jon: we really have become our father. >> and you know what, jon? don't be sad about it. we couldn't be more proud. this shouldn't be a sad time. the arc of history is so long, it eventually becomes a circle, and you end up right where you started. you might even call it the circle of life. in fact, if i may sing the great imperial subject sir elton john's opening zulu chant from "the lion king:" [pitch pipe sounds] please stop me. please. please stop me from doing that. jon, please stop me. i don't want to go out like this. >> jon: all right! john oliver, everyone. "last week tonight" premieres this sunday on hbo! when we come back, david remnick

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because a romantic hotel works for some... is that a mirror? but not others. find exactly what you're booking for. booking.com booking.yeah [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight, a pulitzer prize-winning journalist, author, and longtime editor of "the new yorker," which is celebrating 100 years with a special anniversary issue out today. please welcome david remnick! sir! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] thank you for being here! very exciting. 100 years of "the new yorker," and this, a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. it is their swimsuit edition.

it is -- is this the original cover from -- >> that is from 1925. >> jon: this is the first cover that was on "the new yorker." >> that's right. ray irvin was the artist and they put it out and it went on the newsstands. harold ross was the editor. raul fleishman, a used fortune behind the magazine and it sold nothing. >> jon: it told nothing. >> even with all the yeast money behind it. >> it didn't rise. [cheers and applause] >> jon: you should enter that in the caption contest, david. >> john oliver warmed it up pretty well. they almost closed the whole thing down after three months. they almost gave up on the whole thing. >> jon: what was it that turned it -- why in three months? did something happen? think of this would meant to be just a purely comic, jazz age, n thing, and they were going to

close it down after three months, then they had a good piece about the scopes monkey trial, -- >> jon: i watched it on court tv. it is fantastic! gwyneth paltrow. >> i swear to god, what took off on the newsstand was a piece -- you are not going to believe this -- about cabarets and nightclubs and things like this and people were fascinated and it flew off the newsstand. the next thing you know, we were a big success. >> jon: really? at that time, were the illustrations the majority of it or were the articles the majority of it? >> it was purely little bits and pieces. the first profile that ever ran -- we are famous for longer pieces, as you know. the first piece that ever ran as a profile was a one-page profile, the head of the metropolitan oprah. showbiz. >> jon: [laughs] one-page. you know the writer was like "500 words, i will never make it." >> it was awful, it was dreadful. >> jon: now, 100 years later,

when you are carrying the mantle of something that has been here for so long, it does present an extra burden and challenge. you don't want to be the guy the last guy out the building and it has changed so much. so in this challenging media environment -- >> challenging, yet. >> jon: to do long form, you buy this and i don't remember what that is called, but you look at it and -- >> read. >> jon: read. >> and read more. >> jon: what? >> there aren't little dots and one sentence summaries of world events. >> jon: son of a bitch. >> it is in defiance of every trend that we think is happening. but look, i think that people actually want to know. they want to know what is going on in the world. they want to know what is going on in washington. they want to know what is going on with other people's lives, and have some empathy for. they want to laugh. and that is what we are trying to do. it is a pretty inclusive formula. >> jon: i will say, for me,

because the circadian rhythm of the news has become for circadian rhythm of twitter, i almost think it is leading that sort of incentivized, outrage and hate and things, that i find great solace in long form journalism. it really is a comfort food, but also, there's not a lot of people out there who are taking the time to contextualize things. >> well, i think there are more people than you think. a million two, 1 million. people subscribe to the magazine. i hope it will be more, especially after this night. [cheers and applause] the most shameless pandering. >> jon: they are mostly sports fans. they are not interesting. >> my first job, a sportswriter for "the washington post." >> jon: i didn't even know they had an athletic team. >> they have what is now called

the commodores. it was a singing group. >> jon: that is exciting. >> i think people want to find out more than just ridiculous tweets, and they want to know what is going on, and they want fairness and fact-checking and a sense of decency, and they also want some media outlets that aren't knuckling under. >> jon: are not intimidated. [applause] >> and that is our promise to you, and you know, i think that, we are looking for another hundred years but i would like to get past the next four, frankly. >> jon: have you -- you've been in this a long time. is this immediate moment that is reminiscent to you of any other analogous? >> it's not even reminiscent of the first trump term. >> jon: totally different. >> it is immensely, in a weird way, more competent. i know that sounds very strange but they seem to have come to the game very determined to do a ton of things fast and overwhelm

you and overwhelm me and everybody here. and -- >> jon: it's like they had a project in mind. i don't know what year it was aimed for but damn it. >> there is a shrewdness to it. and part of the shrewdness is contingent on the weakness of the democrats and the confusion of the democrats at the moment. and the support of the election, quite frankly. there are a lot of people behind them. and our job is to get it right and to get it fair and to get it factual, and to not just be yelling and screaming and wagging our fingers with polemics, but to really describe these things with some sense of seriousness. and i think people want that. >> jon: is there a break glass moment for you in this? we talked about it earlier with the audience, about not overreacting to each individual outrage and moment, and is that frustrating? do we keep ourselves on devcon -- i don't know which one is the worst. >> 9, 10.

i notice sometimes when i go out to dinner with this person or that person, every once in a while, in fact, quite a lot, somebody will say to me, you know what, i have signed off on the news. i'm not watching it. i can't take it. i have to protect myself. it is too much. >> jon: i understand that instinct. >> i understand that. but while you are doing that, trump keeps going. politics keeps going, the world keeps happening and you may choose to protect yourself, but then you are part of the problem, i am afraid. >> jon: we were talking, action is the antidote for that anxiety. the question is, what have you learned from deterring this kind of executive action? the real moment to me will be that sort of marbury versus -- >> it's happening. >> jon: they will say, we will enforce it. who enforces it? the u.s. marshals. if the u.s. marshals work for the dod and the doj is meant by somebody who says, don't enforce it -- >> it is happening right now. right now, the president is overstepping executive power, not once, not twice, but in

multiple ways. and courts are going to have to stand up to do what courts need to do. the press needs to describe it and in all of its fullness and accuracy, citizens need to do what citizens are capable of doing, and it requires everybody. and the democratic party that congressman goldman did not exactly present the face of a warrior -- called! >> jon: that might have been my favorite moment that i have seen, what are the democrats going to do, and he was like, "i hope -- hopefully, one of the republicans will be like, this is crazy." "we shouldn't -- i want to lose!" >> chapter 12 in "profiles in courage." >> jon: right? do you, as you -- you have spent time talking to people that are obviously very informed within democratic party, it is their

beat. do they sense there is anything -- i look at this as, this is a 50 year project that the republicans have run to reset the country to it's not just pregreat society, not just prenew deal, but even trump is saying, robber baron eat those. >> but that is a political battle. some of that as a political battle that is natural over federal spending, for example. over culture wars. it is not a mystery that we have such -- >> jon: it's not constitutional. >> this is about breaking the norms of the constitution and the law. what are you going to do about it? that is different. >> jon: so what are -- if you were going to say, you know, the people, there is going to be protests, there is going to be those things. but at this moment, it is broadly popular. the agenda that has been enacted is -- if we had a revote today, he would probably do better than how he did -- >> i think cbs said 52, 53%.

>> jon: which, for him, is a landslide, for any president really in this day and age, to have that kind of popularity is really unusual. >> yep. so i think we are headed toward a big crisis. i really do. i think we are in the midst of it. i really do. >> jon: okay. well, thanks for being here! [bleep]. [applause] it is incredible to me how there really is a rudder rudderlessnes amongst the opposition party. >> the democrats are licking their wounds, feeding themselves for what happened, and rightly so, in terms of the biden decision to run a second time, e a willing suspension of disbelief on where biden was in terms of popularity or his age. there is a kind of sense of injury, embarrassment and withdrawal. but enough already. enough already.

[applause] >> jon: do you hear that? i'm going to say this right now. the editor of one of the most esteemed magazines in american history just told the democrats "sack up!" you heard it here first. [cheers and applause] >> but what you described, which is that you have a historical trend and then there is a reaction to it, this has happened any number of times, i fully expect and hope that that will happen again in some form or another. again, it is not the job of the press -- and this may disappoint some of you -- to be at the head of the barricades shaking their fist and leading the charge. it is to describe so that you are fully in possession of the facts and points of view are expressed and then you do with it what you will in a democracy. that is a really important function. >> jon: do you really think the democrats' problem is a messaging problem? i think it is, i don't know what

they stand for. >> this is three weeks old. what is it, three weeks old? people do not believe -- i think people did not fully take on board that what donald trump was saying that he was going to do in all of those speeches that we either laughed about or disbelieved or, you know, kind of let fly by or were foolish enough to believe that he would lose, they did not quite take on board the full reality, the fullness of what he was going to do, how fast it was going to come, and with what sense of diabolical organization. because you have to say, it is just coming so fast that people in terms of the press, in terms of public opinion, in terms of the democratic party, that people are on their heels. and i come out you know, hope that doesn't last -- because the is no -- if you keep ceding that

to trump, a lot of damage will be done very, very quickly. >> jon: i almost wondered as you almost want to say to them, you have to exist outside of him. it is as though they defined themselves almost entirely by reactions to his movements. >> the problem is, he is president and he is maximizing executive powers quickly and as fully as he possibly can and unless you have a coherent reaction to that, whether it is in congress or the press or the greater world or on the street, you are going to lose a lot. ultimately, you might get pushed back. ultimately, in two years, there might be a midterm election that we weakens him. ultimately, he might overplay his hand in this case or that court case and he loses but a lot of damages going to be done to a lot of human beings, and the one thing that we haven't mentioned is, the quality of cruelty to all of this. not just illegality. >> jon: it's almost like that

is the point of it. >> ju the cruelty about the description of trans people. and our fellow brothers and sisters who are immigrants. or have birthright citizenship. there is a tone of insult and a desire to damage. >> jon: if you were to come to me and say, i want to make government more efficient, i want to make it more efficient, there's a lot of things in the way that we do it that doesn't work, i would be highly on board with that. >> i can fully believe. i can fully believe it, any government agency, whether it is usaid or whatever it might be, but the notion of putting somebody in charge of the health, the public health of this country who is a conspiracy theorist and a liar and quite strange -- >> jon: they don't view it in that way. so i think that is part of the

disconnect is, they are not viewing it through that lens, what they are viewing it as, a fighter who has done their own research and awoke into the corruption of the government and my point is, if the government is the only power strong enough to stand up to international corporatists interests, there is no other anything, and if you think rapacious greed is going to make your health care better, and if you think rapacious gred is going to make pharmaceutical companies come to heal or oil companies come to heal, i don't know what you are looking at, without government effectively managing those instincts. what are we handing this all over to? >> yeah. this is what is new between the first trump term and the second term. i lived for 4 years and the soviet union. the last years of the soviet union. and then kept coming back. now i can't go anymore for obvious reasons. >> jon: what did you do in the

soviet union? [laughter] can't go anywhere for obvious reasons. did you kill a dude in the soviet union? >> just a few. >> jon: what? >> i was a reporter! >> jon: you are a reporter for . >> i was a reporter for "the washington post." i was coming to a place that for 70 odd years that had lived lives, not only of censorship, but of self-censorship and a kind of relationship to the government where you were not a citizen. you were a subject. and i had the thrilling experience as a witness to see this seemingly come to an end, to liberalize, to have the promise of democracy, to see miraculously, mikal carbajal will come along and open the door history can move in that direction. >> jon: i have heard that the arc of it is long and bends towards justice. >> it is long but aggravating. >> jon: yes!

>> but now it went the other direction and the oligarchs took over this country in concert with vladimir putin and before him yeltsin. and to see at the few weeks ago of the tech titans of this world sitting in the best seats in the house, right behind the president of the united states was the most ominous thing. it was even more ominous than the speech itself. because those guys are seemingly willing to say and do anything to protect their gigantic business interests and that is a further recipe for disaster. we have seen it before in this country but we have never seen it energized by an supercharge by social media and the tools that they have at hand. >> jon: i don't know why -- >> i am bumming you out. [laughs] >> jon: no. i remain optimistic because the history of this country is such

resilience through peaks and valleys that we were sure were fatal blows. it is different than these other -- you know, we are, for the adolescence of america being 250 years old, we are a more mature democracy then i think a lot of those countries. we have a history and a pattern of civic engagement at local and state levels that i think will prove, even if the body politic at that level begins to erode -- >> but people have to wake up. >> jon: but do you think they don't know -- >> i think everybody here can't sit back either. >> jon: i think we need a game plan, honestly. i don't think that it is that people aren't awake. i think they feel rudderless and thirsty for inspiring leadership that feels principled and has a plan of action that can turn this into something -- i don't

think the american people want this corrosive day-to-day. i truly don't believe that. that doesn't mean they don't want to secure border. that doesn't mean they don't want law and order in their cities. that doesn't mean they don't want some other common sense things -- >> i agree with you. and i come for once -- [laughter] >> jon: so by agreeing with me, i have now officially been published in "the new yorker." >> by the way, not for the first time. you have been published in "the new yorker" and we are still waiting for pieces. what, do you have a job? >> jon: i was in "the new yorker"? >> you wrote pieces for "shouts and murmurs." >> jon: did i really? >> you did. >> jon: i can't imagine how happy my mother was. [laughter] david, always a pleasure. "the new yorker" 100th anniversary issue is available now. david remnick. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show for tonight! but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, mr. jordan klepper! jordan! what's up? what's on this week? >> well, jon, we'll continue our coverage of america's descent into fascism, report on the president's onslaught on the constitution, and give ten blowjob tips that'll make your man say "bazinga." >> jon: what? >> well, friday is valentine's day. and just because our country is in trouble doesn't mean our love lives have to be. want to hear one of the tips now? it involves a grapefruit. >> jon: okay! jordan klepper, everyone. also, hey! join myself and a bunch of other

fine, fine comics at "comic relief: stand-up for l.a." it's on march 3rd in this new york city. for more info and to buy tickets or donate, please go to the link below. and get your free blowjob tips. here it is, your "moment of zen." >> sky high signing, president trump ushers in golf of america day. try that on. >> gulf of mexico,. >> everybody listen to this, gulf of america day. >> gulf of america day. >> gulf of america day. >> it's the gulf of america. things are changing. the world is a new. >> sorry. ♪ it seems today that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪ ♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy! ♪ hey, guys, i didn't know you were coming to the church raffle. i will confess a mix-up to you. i thought donna said we were going to the "church waffle." and we're only here for the fantasy weekend at fenway park. fenway park? oh, yeah, the winner and a friend get to hang out and practice with retired red sox players and then play in a real game, right on the field at fenway. oh, my god! that's always been a dream of mine! well, that and tuning a guitar in front of a live audience. [guitar tuning]

[strums discordant notes] this was in perfect tune when they handed it to me. next up, our fantasy weekend for two at fenway park. oh, man, this is it! and the winner is... peter griffin! holy crap, i won! -wow, good for you! -congratulations! i like it when people say your name out loud! how exciting, peter. a weekend trip to boston. yeah, and the best part is, i don't even have to get on a plane. i always have trouble at the airport. sir, you're not allowed to be on the carousel. well, then, maybe you shouldn't have named it such a fun word. uh, excuse me, excuse me, i'm not yours. he's stealing me! i'm being stolen! excuse me, i think you've got mine. oh, that's a good idea.

[knocks on door] -oh, hey, quagmire. -hey, peter. so, i was just baking a coffee cake, and i figured i'd bring it over, 'cause you like coffee cake. wow, thanks. yeah, yeah, no problem. so, who are you taking to fenway? what? well, i was just thinking, you have that extra ticket, maybe you'd want to... peter, before you answer him, i've got that murdered jogger's discman you wanted last week. -still bloody. -hi, peter. you know how you like $40 cash? well, here's almost $40 cash. guys, look, i know you all want to go, but i-i need a little more time to figure this out. i mean, i-it's a tough decision. like what to do with that big watermelon i bought. griffin, i just wanted to tell you... ...that's a great outfit. keep it up. i knew it. i have to start trusting myself more. man, i don't envy you. whichever one of them you bring to fenway, the other two will be mad at you. i don't want to bring any of them. those guys are all way better than me at baseball. they'd just show me up and ruin it for me. why don't you bring lois?

she doesn't care about baseball, and that way nobody gets their feelings hurt. brian, that's a great idea. thanks. is it new-tennis-ball great? it's three new- tennis-balls great. i'm gonna get 'em all, i'm gonna get 'em all, i'm gonna get 'em all! -[can hisses] -[excited whimpers] mom, you're really going to boston? i didn't even think you liked baseball. oh, i'm not going for baseball, i-i'm going for shopping, the hotel spa, and two days of being away from you life-sucking turds. anyway, be good. and while we're gone, brian's in charge. where is brian? what's up, bitches? oh, come on, mom, really? i'm in high school, and you're still putting the dog in charge? believe me, meg, you want me in charge. stewie can be a bit of a handful. he's right, you know. i'm a total taurus, stubborn as they come. all right, fine, meg. while we're away, you can be in charge. come on, lois, time to get to fenway. wow, dad, you look awesome.

but i thought you were gonna dress like a baseball player. i am, chris. i'm the type of player who arrives at the stadium in a suit. with a tie knot as big as an apple. that's how you know i got mon-ay. all right, we'll see you guys sunday. okay, now you heard mom say i'm in charge, so, i just want to lay a few ground rules. yeah. i promise we're gonna have fun, -but there will be a schedule... -uh-huh. -...just to keep everything running smoothly. -sure, got to have boundaries. -and i may assign a chore or two... -that's great, meg. ...because it's actually more fun... -sounds like you got it all worked out. -...when everyone pitches in. -hey, by the way... -ah! i'm gonna flush your retainer down the toilet. [♪ mellow music playing] [indistinct conversations] look at this, lois, the fenway park locker room. all right, peter, i'm gonna go. you want to hand me some cash in front of the other men so, you feel powerful?

instead, why don't you just take my minions discover card? hey, there, sluggers. welcome to red sox fantasy weekend. well, who's this? we've never had a lady come out for this before. oh, no, no, that's my wife, she's just dropping me off. yeah, you're nice, but i'm not staying. i don't know the first thing about baseball. look, your spot's already paid for. and besides, if you leave, the teams will be lopsided. so, as your coach, i insist you stay and play with us. right, fellas? [all yell in agreement] well, i don't know. what do you think, peter? what do i think about sharing fantasy baseball camp with my wife? yeah, come on, let her play. wow, 1980s all-star wade boggs! hey, would you mind standing next to a star of today? sure. man, what happened to our game? david ortiz, will you pick him up like a baby? -it's your weekend. -[laughs] now, let me put this baby bonnet on his head and a cigar in his mouth. so, what do you say?

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