(michael) i guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment. it is bitter because i slightly destroyed a wonderful little family. but sweet because david wallace thought i did a good job. that's why i hate bittersweet chocolate. i don't even-- what's the point of that? why not just sweet? i mean, who-- who are you helping? oh, hey, what is this? (pam) hilary swank. oh, she's hot. yeah! damn it. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, jon stewart! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> jon: hello, everybody! where back! [cheers and applause] oh, we are back from break! we are back! ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the daily show!" my name is jon stewart. we've got a great show tonight. i'll be joined later by rupa bhattacharyya, the legal director of -- [cheers and applause] they know their battacharyyas. legal director of georgetown law's institute for constitutional advocacy and protection. i know her as the person who took over administrating the 9/11 zadroga act victim's compensation and healthcare fun for 9/11 first responders and all the people at ground zero, pennsylvania, the

pentagon, so [bleep] deep state. she is deep state! and i am going to take it to her tonight. but first, today the united nations marked the third anniversary of the invasion of ukraine, by doing the only thing the united nations can do: passing a non-binding resolution asking russia to please stop. please. take that, putin! interesting, though: among the countries voting against the resolution were north korea, belarus, russia, obviously, and... the united states of america. [boos] they are saying "bruce." but i guess america doesn't want to set the president of opposing bloody land grabs i guess america doesn't want to set the precedent of opposing

bloody land grabs. so green. and landy. but hey, a century of being the good guys in america, whatever, it isn't the only thing trump is busy disrupting these days. as you know, the doge project, the department of government efficiency, headed up by the nick cannon of white people, elon musk, is in -- [laughter and applause] is he? is in full effect. and it may surprise you, i, for one, happen to be, quite frankly dogecurious, doge-adjacent! so mr. president, if you would. >> we have to solve the efficiency problem. we have to solve the fraud, waste, abuse, all the things

that have gone into the government. >> jon: yes! now if you had woken up from a coma and heard nothing else this man had said for the last ten years, you might think, "i like this guy. i too believe government needs to be more efficient. to weed out waste, fraud, and abuse. and deliver the necessary services that americans rely on more agiley. so what do we do first? pour through the inspector generals reports that have addressed these things? utilize computer-ishness to excise redundancies in the system? find ways to more efficiently deliver the government assistance so many americans rely on? what's first? >> elon musk and his doge team firing thousands of federal workers. >> they're trying to cut 10% of the federal worforce, which is 200,000 jobs. >> jon: oh. have we determined if those are effective workers? is it based on performance? are you going in with a scalpel

so that we don't hit vessels and vital organs? ♪ ♪ >> this is the chainsaw for bureaucracy! chainsaw! >> jon: so... straight amputation. we are just amputation. it's like we're treating public servants as some kind of underclass. >> the d.c. creature is like an animal infested with ticks and parasites. our money is lining these swamp creatures' pockets. >> you know what you call someone who sucks up resources in return for nothing? you call them a parasite and that is what the federal workforce has become. >> these saboteurs, the dead enders, the d.e.i. undercover agents. >> the fraudsters, liars, cheaters, globalists, and deep state bureaucrats are being sent packing.

>> jon: yeah! [bleep] you, guy who tests water for appropriate levels of fecal matter. what are we talking about? [applause] what? this is a stark emotional whiplash from "looking for efficiencies." but apparently, our nation's civil service is now synonymous with waste, fraud, and abuse. and maga world is celebrating with maximum folksy! >> the gravy train for a lot of these folks has been on biscuit wheels and it's about to run off the dadgum tracks and it's about time. >> jon: first of all, there is no [bleep] way you actually talk like that. no way. you are a congressman from tennessee. you didn't spring fully formed out of a primordial cracker barrel. "oh, this here bureaucracy is a

chattanooga choo choo to a crawfish boil on my flapjack! i'm just stringing food words together like nonsense!" pew, pew! other reactions were just creepy. >> doge is dishing out spankings spankings like "daddy day care." [audience reacts] >> jon: i don't remember the spanking scene from "daddy day care." oh, you must mean the gay porn film "daddy day care." i get it, jesse. i get it. you were watching the film that answers the question "what would happen if a bunch of dudes [bleep] in a day care?" it gets stuck in your head. you know, i got to tell you, i

feel like you can make efficiency recommendations or cuts without necessarily demonizing the people who are only carrying out congress's wishes. but i feel like that. they don't. here's donald trump's new director of the offices of management and budget on his feelings about everyone who works for him. >> we want the bureaucrats to be traumatically affected. we want, when they wake up in the morning, we want them not to want to go to work. >> jon: mission accomplished! because these workers are the worst. a hive of scum and villainy! "star wars" reference. mostly scum and villainy. just not the ones you know! >> let me tell you a story about chris. he's going to get doged. and this guy's not a dei consultant. this guy's not a climate consultant. i finally found one person i knew that got doged, and it hit me in the heart. we just need to be a little bit less callous with the way, harold, we talk about dogeing people.

>> jon: do you watch your [bleep] show? yes, certainly wouldn't want to be calloused like referring to someone losing their livelihood as a child being spanked at day care? but i guess it's the price of efficiency. doge is guiding force guided bombs into the exhaust port that is the death star of our bureaucracy. i [bleep] love "star wars." [cheers and applause] but doge is jedi level shit, man! >> the fda is looking to rehire around 300 people. >> the trump administration will reverse staffing cuts to the 9/11 health fund. >> hundreds of workers at the national nuclear security administration fired, then nearly all rehired days later. >> the veterans affairs department reinstated terminated employees and the usda is rescinding termination letters

sent to people working on the response to bird flu. >> jon: "when i said you were criminal parasites, i obviously wasn't referring to... i have the bird flu." come back to work, please. but that's fine! staffing is only part of the doge mission. there's other crazy shit we can cut. >> we don't need to be wasting money on ridiculous items like seeing how fast shrimp can run on treadmills. >> $1.5 million to see the effect of yoga on goats. >> a million dollars to study mexican ducks in their wetland facilities. >> studies on the effect of meditation on parrots. >> nearly a million to study if cocaine makes japanese quail more sexually promiscuous. [laughter] >> jon: i'm going to go with

"yes" on that last one. i feel that i, not a scientist, can very confidently state, pre-experiment, if you are a japanese quail with an eight ball, you are getting your cloaca sucked. oh. sorry, sorry. that may be the most favorite thing i have ever said on the show. no. [cheers and applause] now obviously, that list of those programs are being presented to seem even more ridiculous and some are completely invented out of thin air, but the point is, why are we spending money on things that seem obviously stupid? even though a government-funded study on gila monsters is how we

ended up with ozempic. by the way, quick pitch: weight gain also would be solved by japanese quail cocaine! [laughter] it's really the "star wars" of drugs, cocaine. no downsides! you would be having your cloaca sucked in no time. but even if this project is animated by malice for administrators and is seemingly rash and occasionally cutting off critical government functions out of haste, the savings alone will be worth it! on the doge website, they posted $16 billion saved just in canceled contracts! interesting, if true! >> a closer look shows big problems. for example, doge claimed axing a single immigration and customs contract saved $8 billion.

turns out, that contract was worth a maximum of $8 million. >> "the wall street journal" estimates the actual amount saved at not 16 billion, but closer to 2.5. >> jon: [laughs] who amongst us hasn't lied about saying something is 16 when it's really 2.5? billion inches. that is not true either. see, it seems doge is struggling a bit to get its footing, from made-up claims about $50 million of taxpayer money going for gazan condoms, to billions in social security payments to dead people, a claim that turned out to not be real, despite what you've heard. >> we have millions and millions of people over 100 years old. these are obviously fraudulent or incompetent -- but if you take all of those millions of people off social security, all of a sudden, we have a very

powerful social security with people that are 80 and 70 and 90. but not 200 years old. >> jon: true. you can't argue with that, if only it were happening. but it's not happening! we're not paying millions and millions of dead people social security money! and even if there was a 200-year-old man walking around, he wouldn't need social security. he'd still be in congress. [cheers and applause] guys, i'm going to tell you something. cutting money shouldn't be this hard! i'm starting to think that we as a country don't understand where the real waste, fraud, and abuse really is! maybe the savings we gleaned from cutting v.a. nurses and iguana std studies isn't where the real money is! let me see if i can noodle. let me join doge.

let me see if i can noodle some ideas here. i want to get down certain id ideas. i want to do again -- there you go. we got that. [cheers and applause] this is my "so you want to be an accountant" starter kit. got it off of amazon for $5,000 from amazon. my accountant told me not to get. we're looking to save taxpayers some money and, oh, i know! how about we just take $3 billion in subsidies we give to oil and gas companies that turn billions in profits. how long did that take? [cheers and applause] oh, wait! how about we just close down the carried interest loophole on hedge funds? that's $1.3 billion a year? or how about we stop the $2 trillion dollars we've given to defense contractors to build a fighter jet that blows, when

everyone knows the next war is going to be fought with drones and blockchains, whatever that is! [cheers and applause] holy shit! i can't believe it! i just saved us billions of dollars in 11 seconds! just call me big balls! i'm sorry, i'm being told that that nickname is already taking. can i get a doge nickname? "disturbingly low-hanging balls?" really? oh, like you've never heard of gravity. how would you even know that? oh, i'm sorry. but see, this is where the money is. the real money. the money our free market-ish system uses to prop up corporate profit at the expense of the taxpayer! pharmaceutical companies get

everything from our government: tax breaks, research grants, patent extensions worth billions of dollars, and what do we get for it? the highest drug prices in the western hemisphere! and for some reason, the possibility of an infection in our perineum. why would you take a drug that would give you an infection in your perineum? and why are they telling us this at dinnertime? but you know what is so horrible about our system now and the corruption that lay within it, we're so [bleep] numb to it, we actually tout tiny cracks in that exploitation as victory. >> the president touting the first ever negotiations with pharmaceutical companies to lower the cost of ten drugs. >> and today, i'm proud to announce that medicare has reached an agreement with all manufacturers on all ten drugs selected in the first round of negotiations. >> jon: ooh, can it be? the companies we subsidize with

billions of dollars are allowing us the privilege to negotiate the price of ten of their drugs? and ten is all of them, right? it would be embarrassing if it was a small drop in the bucket, and that the american people didn't expect that we should negotiate for all their [bleep] drugs, because we have already paid for them with our subsidies! it is [bleep] insane! [cheers and applause] i will be going to the hospital. what we do with pharmaceutical companies is like the worst "shark tank" deal in history. "we're asking for billions of dollars of your money." "and what do we get, 10% of your company?" "no." "do we get a discount?" "no." "what do we get?" "have you checked your perineum?"

we live in the upside down. and don't blame the corporations. they are profit-seeking psychopaths that need the lowest wages and the cheapest raw materials to drive their highest profits. but why do we, the taxpayers, subsidize their psychopathy? that's the waste, fraud, and abuse in our system! [cheers and applause] that's it! that's what we should be going after! not the fantastical, overgenerous, terrorist condom allowances. >> in another program, $50 million, plus another $50 million for condoms for hamas. did you know about that? $100 million for condoms. condoms. does everybody know what a condom is? >> jon: are you delivering this speech at an elementary

school? look, capitalism is by definition exploitative. it's how it operates! that's fine! but then government's role should be to ease the negative effects on americans of that exploitation, not subsidize that treachery with our money. we are getting [bleep] at a diddy party and they're making us buy the baby oil! [laughter and applause] i want doge to work. i want better efficiencies, get rid of the alphabet agencies that don't do enough, make the pentagon pass an audit, but we are doge-ing in the wrong place if we want to really change the system. companies like walmart and mcdonald's make billions of dollars in "taxpayer-subsidized profits," yet many of their hard working employees need taxpayer-subsidized public assistance. airlines get billions in bailouts that they use in stock

buy backs and bonuses, but if you're on food assistance, you're not allowed to buy hot food with it. cause apparently heated entrees are for winners! we are subsidizing the very system that makes workers' lives harder in the first place! all in the name of freedom and liberty! but the greatest restriction of freedom in this country isn't dei and pronoun pressure. it's [bleep] poverty and struggle. [cheers and applause] i am not done! [audience reacts] it's fine! the government's role should be to end the corruption that enables that exploitation! that's what the democrats should be doing.

every [bleep] day! every day! [cheers and applause] every day at 5:00 p.m., the democrats should go live on facebook and do the people's audit. find the absurdities and the remedies in our exploitive system. get someone like aoc or jasmine crockett or chris murphy or anybody that doesn't sound like they're complaining why there's no more frozen yogurt at the cafeteria in the villages. i'm sorry! you have no rizz! and we need something more than shouting, we need something constructive to anchor our hopes. a new acronym. for a new age. it's not maga. it is something more like... make... america... not... governed... in... obviously... negative... abort! abort! abort! no vigilantes! [cheers and applause] but do something! when we come back,

rupa bhattacharyya will be joining us, so don't go away. [cheers and applause] who are you texting? i'm shopping for a car on carmax. a car?! are you sure you can afford it? that's a big purchase! relax! i got pre-qualified and shopped by my monthly budget so i know it's a good decision. unlike jenny's new piercing...

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight, a distinguished lawyer who served more than 25 years in federal government, including as special master of the september 11th victim compensation fund. please welcome to the program rupa bhattacharyya. rupa! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] there we go. hello! >> hi!

>> jon: rupa, it is so nice to see you again. >> thank you. you too. >> jon: you and i met in 2016. you had just -- please explain. you became what is called the special master or the special paymaster of the 9/11 victims compensation fund through doj. >> that's right. through doj. i was appointed by attorney general loretta lynch at the back end of the obama administration, and then served for six years through the trump administration and part of the biden administration. >> jon: and your job was to take this program that had been appropriated by congress and translate that legislation into action. >> that's right. and basically, my job was to make sure that those who were injured by the september 11th attacks, mostly because they were at the sites and breathing in the toxic dust, got the compensation that they deserved. [applause] >> jon: so you were, if i may,

and obviously, i don't mean to just paraphrase, you are a parasite on the system. >> yes, apparently. >> jon: what do you think when you hear that kind of talk about those in the government that are there to try and faithfully execute what the legislation has already appropriated? >> honestly, it just makes me sad. i spent my entire career in federal government until i left in 2022, and throughout, administration, across party lines, and through all of it, every single person that i worked with, agencies across the government, their only goal is to administer the programs that congress passed and that the executive branch wants administrated according to its rules and its processes. that is what we do. that is our job. >> jon: and i was blown away. so you were trying to do your job and i showed up in your office one day with a gentleman by the name of john feal, from the fealgood foundation, who had lobbied very intensely to get it done, and we just showed up, and you were so

gracious, and you showed us around the office, and i was so impressed with the way that you had approached it with such compassion, but also a toughness, and you had a mantra -- and i feel like an idiot because i am sure it is a managerial "hang in there" poster, and you are like, it is a dumb thing but it was a mantra. do you remember what i'm talking about? >> i do. >> jon: what did it say? >> it was our guiding principles. it was the way we ran the program, we wanted to be fair to claimants, faithful to the statute, and accountable to the taxpayer. [applause] >> jon: come on! it makes me so angry, i want to smash another mug. oh, wow. this thing is really coming out. sorry. you know, i -- in the commercial break, i had a lightsaber battle with one of the crewmembers.

and you did it. the program itself had very little waste, fraud, and abuse, because your mandate was to make sure that the people who got it, who should get it got it and the people who shouldn't get it didn't get it. >> that was my job. >> jon: so this week or last week, i hear, they are cutting 20% of the staffs. and the victims compensation was one of those offices. >> it was a world trade center health program which is our sister program. >> jon: that is the one that administers health care to people. >> that administers health care to people so it is actually even more important because it provides these responders and survivors who worked at the world trade center, pentagon, at shanksville, who are now sick, with the health care that they need, 85,000 people who worked at one of those sites or who lived in manhattan, have been certified with one or more 9/11 related conditions, and so the cuts that were made were indiscriminately

made to cut almost 20% of the staff of the health program, which would have been devastating. >> jon: in practical terms -- and you know the people love a good conversation about administration and paperwork. in practical terms, what does that mean? does that mean they wouldn't be able to access the program? they wouldn't be able to sign up for the program? they wouldn't be able to make their appointments, they wouldn't be able to get their medications? what does it mean? >> all of those things. it means that people who were going to sign up for medical monitoring, over 140,000 people are monitored, 10,000 people tried to sign up for monitoring last year. those applications would not get processed or they would be delays in processing them. there would be delays in certifying the conditions as 9/11-related, which means there would be delays in getting them health care. and delays in getting their compensation from the vcf, which depends on those certifications. it means that additional conditions could not be determined as potentially eligible, because the studies that would have funded that were

being taken away. it means that the oversight of the program, which was largely run through contractors -- >> jon: the actual people looking for fraud. they got cut too. >> they got caught too. >> jon: what are we doing, for god's sakes? >> and then they were rehired. to be when they were hired two days later? >> about a week later thanks to the intervention of the new york congressional delegation. shout out! >> jon: by the way, for those of you on long island, come to the fantastic italian restaurant overlooking long island sound. >> and senator schumer and senator gillibrand. >> jon: they have been on it, and senator gillibrand has been on it forever and hillary clinton when it first started was an incredible advocate for it. but the reason i want to talk about it is because it is a very specific program but in the

specificity of it, i think there is something universal here. there is a ton of programs out there right now that do not have republicans in the congressional delegation trying to fight for it, and they are gone. >> yeah, if you don't have -- i mean, it is a sad commentary, that the only reason that program was saved is because there are republicans who were willing to go to the president and ask him to reinstate it, and thankfully, i'm grateful that he did but not every program has a constituency. we should not live in a world where the only programs that get saved are the ones where republicans are willing to put their stamp of approval on it. >> jon: as long as it demonstrates fealty to the leadership. anything along those lines. what were -- when you were administered in, what are the frustrations within government? is it -- what makes it so difficult for government to be agile? are there too many regulations? is there too much paperwork? do we need a moon shot to

simplify things? because i think, i would love the idea of more efficiency and a less adversarial role. it seems like any government program that is going to help people -- i know this from the act -- any government agency that is going to help people is adversarial. that the people become adversarial with the people trying to get the money. >> we certainly tried not to be adversarial. that was not our goal. one of the things that sort of gets lost in all this conversation about efficiency as part of the reason that government is inefficient from a part of the reason that bureaucracies exist is because we are trying so hard to make sure that there isn't waste, fraud, and abuse in our programs. the reviews and the processes and the things that seem to take a long time, that sort of paying us up, are there for a reason. they are there because we want to be sure that we are being appropriate stewards of the public's money. and that we are handling these programs responsibly. is it too much sometimes? maybe. but the way to solve is isn't

just to his criminality cut people out. >> jon: let me pitch this. is there a way, if we were too -- there are tons of people who qualify for food assistance who do not claim those benefits because it is difficult. there's a lot of hoops you have to jump through and all those things. if the government didn't use waste, fraud, and abuse as a default, made that money it simpler to get, like what it was in the pandemic, and then bolstered the money on the back end, searching for fraud? it seems like we are making the 3% or 5% of fraud, we are making the 95% pay a price for that. is there a different way to jigger those programs, make them easier to access, and bolster the fraud watchdog on the back end of it? >> i will say two things. first of all, there are very, very routine and rigorous processes in place and all federal agencies to try and prevent waste, fraud, and abuse. there is the inspector

general's, the vcf -- >> jon: there were the inspector general's. >> there is a government accountability office, omb does a budget process to make sure that money is being appropriately allocated to the right programs, and there is annual fiscal audits. so every step of the way, there is something happening to try to make sure, but those programs, all of that process only runs if you have the staff there to do it you need a staff who understands the program, who understands the questions, has expertise. the second thing, i would say, is that if you are going to eliminate inefficiencies and programs, the people you have to talk to are the people who are running the programs. that is what i did when i started. [applause] >> jon: i mean, okay, so that -- i disagree with you a little bit. whatever i have a situation like that, i rely on teenage boys. i find them judicious and hormonally balanced. and i like to let them loose in

an organization and just go, "have at it, boys?" it must be so incredibly frustrating, because i am also -- i was very frustrated at the fights that had to occur to get people who had earned benefits benefits. i imagine -- and to see how easily corporate interests have infiltrated our process, through lobbying, the tax code is not complex because working-class people made it that way. you know, the regulations aren't complex and difficult to do because small businesses want that. that is all the result of corporate lobbyists because they know how to game the system. how do we stop that part from infiltrating the part that you want to do? >> so that is a really good question that i wish i had an answer to. i am not sure -- >> jon: rupa? >> what i do know is that we have -- especially in the context of the9/11 programs, the world trade center health

programs, we have seen over and over and over again these responders who are sick go back to the hill over and over and over to try to keep these programs funded. >> jon: it is happening again! >> it's happening again. >> jon: this wednesday -- you know, this wednesday, they are going to reintroduce some legislation to get funding. >> the world trade center health program is facing a crisis. it is still a few years out and so that makes it hard for congress to focus on it. the fact of the matter is, if you don't know whether or not you are going to be funded a few years from now, you have to make decisions today about how many people you take into the program because you need to make sure that the money lasts. i had this exact same problem in 2018 when we reauthorize the vcf. i had to cut awards by 50% -- >> jon: in the middle of it. i remember that. >> because we didn't have enough money and it was thanks to you -- >> jon: all those people were tireless and many of them were

very, very sick. to give you a sense of what that is, in the middle of the vcf funding and the victims compensation, if your cancer had just been -- if you had the unlucky occurrence of having a cancer diagnosis in 2021 or 2019 when the funding lost money, you would not have gotten the full benefit because they had to resource guard. you had to resource guard. >> i had to. >> jon: it must have been heartbreaking. >> that is exactly what is happening to the world trade center health program right now. and doctor howard, who was a trump appointee, reappointed to his position in the last part of the trump administration, is going to have to make decisions very soon about how many people he can continue to allow into the program if they do not reup the funding. and so members of congress, including the new york delegations, are reintroducing that bill. >> jon: garbarino! >> it's already been agreed to twice and stripped twice, once

in 2022 and in december -- >> jon: from an omnibus bill, they were going to sneak it into a transportation bill. >> hopefully, this time around, these responders and the survivors of any of them have ptsd, many of them have a very severe health conditions. to have to go up again and again and again to ask for this funding is just unconscionable. >> jon: this is not just this program. this is happening across government. this is what we talk about when this system must be torn down. the idea that people who need the funding, that is what government exists to provide. he does not exist to provide a smoother road for [bleep] mcdonald's. it exists to provide for people and it has got to change. so i really appreciate you being here. [cheers and applause] and we are going to see, hopefully we can get that. rupa bhattacharyya. we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this. [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪

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[cheers and applause] >> jon: hey, everybody! that is our show for this evening. but before we go, let's check in with your host for the rest of the week, desi lydic! desi! [cheers and applause] nice to see you! what will you be covering for the people? >> well, jon, i'll tell you what story i won't be covering. president trump wasting government resources to check in on the gold at fort knox. what a nothing-burger. there's no need to investigate, or count it, or do an inventory on vault 84-c. he's unhinged! unhinged! >> jon: vault 84-c? why 84-c? >> what are you, a [bleep] cop? just trust all the gold is there, jon! every last bar! >> jon: was that the sound of a

gold bar falling out of your pocket? >> yes, yes, it was. but i brought that gold bar from home. >> jon: desi lydic, everyone! [cheers and applause] here it is, your "moment of zen." >> we are also going to fort knox because we want to see if the gold is still there. wouldn't that be terrible, we open up this fort knox, it is just solid granite that is 5 feet thick, the front door,, you need six muscle men to open it up. i don't even think they have windows. wouldn't that be terrible if we opened it up and there was no gold there? gold there? >> sorry. captioning made possible by comedy central - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪

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- welcome to the all-state basketball playoffs between the best fourth grade players from colorado and the best fourth grade players from wyoming. - coach, coach. i'm all better. i'm ready to play. - who are you? - it's me, kyle broflovski. i had a negroplasty. can i play on the all-state team now? - well, you're tall and black enough. all right, broflovski, suit up. - all right. dad, i can play. - all right, kyle!

- excuse me, where do you have special seating for dolphins? - boys, have you seen kyle? he's not at home. kyle went down to play in the basketball game, mrs. garrison. - he's going to play basketball? oh my god. - what? - well, i only made him look like he could play basketball. if he actually does it, the testicles in his knees will explode. - what, but you made him into a basketball player. - no, i just made him look more like one. we have to stop him from playing. those testicles in his knees are ticking time balls. - oh, jesus. - come on, boys, we've gotta get to my balls before kyle hurts himself. - ♪ and the home of the brave ♪ [cheers and applause] - broflovski, be ready to take over for owens. - i'm a hundred percent ready, coach.

- excuse me, where is the bathroom for dolphins? - we don't... have one. - well, where the hell am i supposed to go to the bathroom? i need a large tank with saltwater. - uh... too bad? - damn it, you people have to make special arrangements for transspecies people like me. i may be a dolphin, but i'm also a lawyer. - you're a lawfin? - tickets, please. - we don't have tickets. - sorry, ma'am. no tickets. no entry. - look, there's a boy with my balls in his knees, and he's in serious danger. - what? - my scrotum. that dolphin has my scrotum. now, let us in. - you can't go in, ma'am. we have unauthorized entry on level 1. - all right, broflovski, you're going in next possession. - all right. [crackling] ow...hmm. - gerald, where's kyle? - what, why? - my balls are in his knees. if he jumps with them, they'll explode.

- oh, my god. - there they are, next to that dolphin. - come on, we gotta get to those balls. [gunfire] - stop them! they didn't pay the $2 entry fee. - now substituting for colorado, number four, kyle broflovski. - oh jesus. he's about to play. [gunfire] [grunting] - mrs. garrison, grab kyle. - which one is he? - arrrhhh. - ohhh. - hey, what the hell? - stop the game! ahhhh! - ohhh. - i got it. i got the ball. - kyle, no! - broflovski goes for the dunk. - no! - my baaaaaaalllllssssss! - aagh.