♪ na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na ♪ ♪ na-na-na, na-na-na na-na-na-na ♪ good night. from all of us. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from the most trusted journalists at comedy central... it's america's only source for news. this is "the daily show" with your host, michael kosta! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause]

♪ ♪ >> michael: hello! welcome to "the daily show!" i'm michael kosta. donald trump just wrapped up his joint address to congress, and we'll have full coverage on it tomorrow. but tonight: republicans want to start cleaning up chicken shit, joe biden crop-dusted the economy on his way out, and relations with canada are "aboot" to get ugly. but first, our ongoing segment, "the second coming of donald j. trump." ♪ ♪ >> i'm gonna come. >> michael: donald trump has been busy. in the past couple of days, he's switched sides in the war in ukraine, announced a national crypto reserve, and dismantled the national weather service, because part of the fun of

experiencing a category 5 hurricane is the surprise! trump's been so busy that i was getting worried he'd forgotten his plan to start a north american trade war. but my boy? he put it on the cal. >> we begin with the breaking news in america's escalating trade war, and it's dramatic. >> a global trade war kicked off at the stroke of midnight. president trump's 25% tariffs on canada and mexico are now in effect. >> michael: yeah, that's right, baby! trade war! woo! nobody does war better than usa, usa, usa! [audience chanting "usa"] canada and mexico are about to feel the pain. the best part is, it's not going to affect us at all. >> the average american household could spend up to $2,000 more a year on everything from produce to clothes to new cars. >> driving up the cost of a small car by an estimated $6,200 or an suv by $9,000.

>> michael: wait, wait, wait. we're launching a trade war and it's going to affect us? i'm going to pay $9,000 more for a kia sorrento? now i finally get why they say war is hell. so that's what "saving private ryan" was about. "private ryan" was a different movie. isn't this the opposite of what trump campaigned on? raising prices on everything? i'm already buying my eggs in installments with klarna. and the solution that his secretary of agriculture came up with is not helpful. >> i think the silver lining in all of this is how do we -- in our backyards, we've got chickens too in our backyard. how do we solve for something like this? and people are sort of looking around thinking, "wow, well maybe i could get a chicken in my backyard," and it's awesome. i agree with you. >> yeah, i think everyone who isn't a farmer right now wants to be. >> michael: yes, great idea! in this time of uncertainty, the

one thing i need now is a wild animal in my house pecking my dick while i'm trying to make a frittata. "everybody who's not a farmer wants to be!" are you kidding me? americans don't even go to grocery stores anymore. we just text "get cheerios" to strangers on instacart. but sure, i guess i'll become a small farmer. and hey, why stop at chickens? i could grow my own avocados! i could raise my own cows! wait, why am i buying my steel like a sucker, when i could be smelting iron ore in my own bathtub! either way, prices are about to go up. i hope no one tells that to the stock market. >> the stock market drops for a second day in a row now that president trump's tariffs are in effect. >> michael: goddamn it! who told that to the stock market? so the stock market is plummeting thanks to the trade war that donald trump started. so obviously, well, we know who to blame for this. >> what's left of the biden economy is slumping so badly. it's just slumping -- this is

the legacy of the biden economy. >> michael: damn you, joe biden! you were supposed to leave the password to the economy on the white house fridge before you left! if we're going to blame past presidents, why stop at biden? jimmy carter's been awfully quiet lately. how convenient. but i guess rising prices and a tanking stock market, that's just the cost of starting a trade war with your neighbors. now mexico, they expect it. trump's had it out for them since no one showed up to his quinceanera. [laughs] but why canada? we've always been tight with canada! we were both british colonies! we play in the same sports leagues together! we share joint custody of ryan gosling! if trump is going to launch a trade war with them, i hope he has a good reason! i'm sure he does, right?

right? right? >> trump says the tariffs are needed. and he claims canada and mexico aren't doing enough to stop illegal immigration and fentanyl shipments. >> the fentanyl coming through canada is massive. >> michael: of course, fentanyl and migrants! that makes sense. we can't just be letting canada pump massive, massive amounts of fentanyl and migrants across our border. >> data shows less than 1% of the fentanyl entering the u.s. comes from canada, and that's only 1.5% of border patrol encounters with migrants take place at the border with canada. >> michael: huh, okay. so it's not fentanyl or migrants. and it can't be because trump's an insecure wannabe alpha male, thumping his chest so the world pays attention to him. so i guess we'll never know! it's probably joe biden. well, whatever it is, prime minister trudeau wasn't having it. >> today, the united states

launched a trade war against canada, their closest partner and ally, their closest friend. now i want to speak directly to one specific american: donald. even though you're a very smart guy, this is a very dumb thing to do. [cheers and applause] >> michael: wow, wow. he's mad. he's not even world leader mad, he's dad mad. this is the same tone i use when i tell my daughter not to throw her baby sister into the crib. "you are not the type of person that does this, even though you just did this and you'll probably keep doing it. but you're not this, okay, donald?" my daughter's name is donald. and all of canada is lining up behind trudeau.

like ontario's premier, doug ford, came out to warn america about the consequences of a trade war, although in a confusing way. >> the people of the u.s., which i absolutely love the american people, they're going to be paying more. the market is going to go downhill faster than the american bobsled team. >> michael: oh! sick burn! i think? it sounded like a slam, but if the market will go downhill really fast, that means our bobsled team is also fast, and isn't that, like, a compliment? our bobsled team is supposed to go fast, right? unless he's saying our bobsled team is slow, which is a slam, but then that means the market won't go downhill fast, which is good for our economy. this metaphor doesn't make any sense. the point is, doug ford is forcing me to learn about bobsledding and i do not appreciate that.

is there a canadian who can make an analogy that's a little less confusing? donna reardon, the mayor of saint john in new brunswick, maybe you have a good analogy? >> i mean, we've been in this comfortable relationship with our american cousins, and now we're being attacked, so you know, we're breaking up with the u.s. and it's time to move on. >> michael: yeah, we're cousins but we're breaking up? this analogy's even worse than the bobsled! you can't break up with your cousin. sure, you can both go off and get married, start your own families, try to convince yourselves you've moved on. but she's still there at thanksgiving every year. and yeah, she brings her new husband, and she laughs at his jokes, but deep down you can see in her pale blue eyes that she's sad. and i'm sad, too, stephanie. and i know she can see it in my eyes, which are the same color as hers, because we're related. and that's why we can't be

together... what was i talking about? oh, that's right, the trade war that we've launched for no reason. the point is, what donald trump has done to canada, they're the nicest country on earth, the sexiest cousin, and look what we've brought out in them! >> canadians are reasonable and we are polite, but we will not back down from a fight. >> ontario premier doug ford threatened to shut off his province's electricity exports to the united states and block shipments of ontario's high grade nickel. >> canadian liquor stores took american whiskey off the shelves. >> there's also hashtags #buycanadian and #boycottusa going viral. >> canadian coffee shop the morning owl in ottawa has renamed its popular americano coffee to a "canadiano." >> wwe fans were drowning out the performance of "the star-spangled banner" in toronto. take a listen. >> [boos] >> michael: damn. canada's respect for america has

gone down faster than curtis and hubert stevens, gold medalists in the two-man bobsled at the 1932 lake placid olympics. now that's how you do a bobsled metaphor, doug. [laughter and applause] big bobsled fans out here tonight. whatever the reason, trump has now pushed america and canada into a full-on trade war. for more, let's go live to the canadian border with our very own grace kuhlenschmidt! [cheers and applause] grace. grace, what's your analysis? >> it's pretty simple, michael. america is definitely in the wrong here. we're the bad guys. we suck. and when you've made a mistake, you have to take accountability and tell canada to shut the [bleep] up. >> michael: i'm sorry. tell canada to shut the [bleep] up? >> yeah, listen, america is in the wrong. no ifs, ands, or buts...

but when canada starts talking shit, my dormant patriotic instincts bubble up and suddenly ♪ i'm proud to be an american ♪ which is crazy because i'm not! but i can't help myself when that guy called our bobsled team slow. that piece of shit! >> michael: actually, i think he was complimenting our team. i still don't know. >> oh! that piece of shit! i want to take canada's side, but when they boo our national anthem, i'm going to have to shit on theirs. "o canada" is in g major. i'm surprised it's not in a minor. [laughs] i don't fully know what that means. >> michael: well, i don't want to explain it to you. if you know america is in the wrong, then why are you defending us? >> it's like seeing your mom get arrested. you know she shouldn't have

bought beer for those middle schoolers, but you're still going to yell at the cop and try to grab his gun. it's crazy, but that's love. love for your mom, and love for your country. and if that means i can't eat waffles with canadian maple syrup... then by god, i will eat them with ketchup! [audience reacts] yum! >> michael: you know, i got to say, grace, in a weird way, i admire your patriotism. >> i hate it! i'm embarrassed to be an american right now and as an american, i'm outraged! i don't like this patriotic monster i've become. last night, i blacked out and bought a ford f-150. and look at this t-shirt i'm wearing. i don't even know when i put this on! >> michael: is that a bald eagle pooping out a maple leaf? where did you even get that? >> i think i made it. because i also have it tattooed on my back!

bottom line, michael, i just want these tariffs to go away! i love this country so much but sometimes america is just the worst. >> michael: yeah, sometimes america is the worst. >> the [bleep] did you just say about america? >> michael: never mind, never mind! grace kuhlenschmidt, everyone! grace kuhlenschmidt! [cheers and applause] when we come back, ricky velez gives us his opinion, so don't go away. [cheers and applause]

[cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." we all know i've got great opinions, but i'm not the only one. studies show that other people also have opinions, so here with another installment of "in my opinion" is our good friend, ricky velez! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> the phrase of the day is "buyer's remorse." it's like when you buy thousands of dollars worth of shoes made by your favorite rapper, thinking one day they'll be as valuable as the princess diana beanie baby. but then that rapper found his new favorite shape. but yeezy isn't the only brand not living up to the expectations these days. a lot of people are having

buyer's remorse with the election. >> six weeks into the second trump administration and a growing number of his supporters are having second thoughts. >> austin jenkins voted for lower taxes and less regulation. but jenkins finds the first month unsettling. >> i thought there's supposed to be checks and balances somewhere. >> ryleigh cooper was just let go by the u.s. forest service. >> do you now regret the way you voted for trump? >> i do feel regret. >> come on. who could have predicted that is known for the catchphrase "you're fired" would fire you? it's not just trump who are giving people's buyer's remorse. because with the purchase of trump came one free elon. so now some people are ashamed of their president and their car. >> some tesla owners driven to regret their purchase because of elon musk. >> local tesla owners are reporting increasing minor acts

of vandalism to both cars and chargers and are targets of cursing and gestures on the road. this gold cybertruck has been turning heads, but lately, the attention has taken a threatening turn. according to doctor kumait jaroje, drivers cut him off and they hurl offensive gestures. the doctor says that he tried to get rid of his truck, but he has not been able to find a buyer. >> wow, wow! [cheers and applause] no shit you can't find a buyer for a gold cybertruck. just break this down for a second. imagine seeing a regular cybertruck, and turning to the salesman, "do you have anything that makes me look like a bigger dick and also hides my smaller dick?" and by the way, they're not just vandalizing cybertrucks because elon sucks, they're vandalizing

cybertrucks because it's a stupid [bleep] car. [cheers and applause] it's the only car that gives you your virginity back. plus, if you get mad at a product, you don't sell it. you take a semi-automatic and light that [bleep] up like a true patriot. but for those that can't sell their tesla, here's another option. >> anti-elon musk bumper stickers have been showing up on a lot of cars. >> some owners scrambled to buy anti-elon stickers to decorate their evs like these. "vintage tesla." this one says, "pre-madness edition." >> up with evs, down with elon. >> sticking it in here, another one. if i really wanted to, like, quadruple down. >> us liberals love a sticker.

what an inspiring way to tell the world i disapprove of nazis, but not enough to bike to work. but once again, i feel these people's pain. you might wonder, what kind of douchebag keeps a product after it was made by a nazi? well... this kind of douchebag. i am sorry. i'm sorry. they were popular in 2017. i still have my kanye shoes. they were made by him. and i definitely can't give it to my son for his bar mitzvah. so what do i do with these? well, one guy has answers! >> check out this man in florida who is now burning several pairs of yeezy shoes. danny schiff says he's purchased

about 40 pairs of those shoes over the years, and about $15,000 worth have gone up in flames. >> yes, that's what we do? we burn yeezys. the second you have buyer's remorse, it's time for a clean [bleep] break. and no second chances. no chicken shit half measures. which is why ricky velez right now in this moment will put a sticker on my yeezys. [cheers and applause] nazis bad. nazis bad. so there! no one can judge me. am i a hero? it's not for me to say. but yes. yes, i am. but that's just my opinion. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> michael: ricky velez, everybody! when we come back, mae martin will be joining me on the show. so don't go away.

[cheers and applause]

applebee's new big easy menu. bringing the flavors of bourbon street to your street. ♪♪ applebee's new big easy menu. starting at $11.99. (office ambience) stamps.com gives you the flexibility to print postage on your own schedule.

(♪♪) wherever you are. (♪♪) mail letters. and ship packages. get more flexibility and more freedom to take charge of your day. (♪♪) start your risk-free trial today at stamps.com. if you feel held back by the weight of financial decisions. we can give you the tools to help you break free. credit karma gives you personalized guidance to improve your credit, savings, taxes, and more. so, you can find your way to money. intuit credit karma karma you can count on. check it out! sam adams made a light beer. crisp and easy drinkin. [gasps!] your cousin. from boston. ♪ o beautiful, for spacious skies, ♪

for am-! sam adams american light. chipotle's braised beef barbacoa might be our best kept secret. slow cooked responsibly raised beef. seasoned with garlic and cumin.hand-shredded for fall off the fork tenderness. chipotle's braised beef barbacoa. if you know, you know. [cheers and applause] >> michael: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is an

award-winning comedian, actor, writer, producer, and now a singer-songwriter with their debut album, "i'm a tv." please welcome mae martin! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ thank you for coming! >> thank you for having me. hi! >> michael: woo! all right! look at that. look at that. >> look at that. >> michael: look at that. >> look at that. >> michael: you are canadian. >> yeah, i am. >> michael: i am required by law to take 25% off all of my questions. so first question, what was your experience like doing... >> okay, i'm going to have to also retaliate with tariffs on my answer. so my experience was really... >> michael: perfect. we get it. but maybe both administrations, seeing a canadian and american shake hands, all they need to see. >> that was it. we solved it. that was a beautiful moment for democracy. >> michael: your album is tremendous. >> thanks. >> michael: it is beautiful. >> [laughs]

thank you. >> michael: i was thinking, you are comedian. >> yes, i was thinking that too. >> michael: it's beautiful. you know how to sing and play instruments. what the [bleep] is going on? >> thanks. i am a comedian, yeah, yeah. i have always wanted to -- i've always played music in my bedroom and shed a single tear and been really emo. but yeah. >> michael: what inspired you to make the album now? >> i've been living in england for 12 years and three years ago, i moved to l.a., so i was reconnecting with my earnest north american roots, i guess, and i was feeling good. i had just -- three years ago, i had top surgery and started testosterone, i was feeling very happy and confident -- [cheers and applause] thanks, yeah, yeah. thanks. >> michael: who knows how their albums will be? >> yeah, so i think i was feeling good or feeling more comfortable, because it is vulnerable. it is super vulnerable. >> michael: "i'm a tv." >> that's it. my friend said --

>> michael: what does it mean? it's in one of the songs, "stowaway." "i'm just a tv talking to you." you thought i could remember that but i had to read it just to make sure i got it. >> sure, i'm glad you did. >> michael: what did it come from? >> titles are really hard and -- but i think it was, for me, there is so much noise and static electricity and sometimes i wonder if our whole personalities are just, like, sort of a combination of other people's projections and stuff we consume, and so the album was kind of stripping that away. >> michael: you have tv tattoo, is that right? >> i do, how do you -- yes, i do. >> michael: let's hope that is public information. >> i do. >> michael: is that connected to this? >> no, that was just an ex and i bought a tattoo kit, never do that. one night, we had a few drinks and she tattooed tv -- i guess i've always liked the feeling of the word in my mouth, "tv."

>> michael: oh, interesting. >> but i think i put the emphasis on the t. t-v. what do you say? >> michael: i say "aluminium." >> that sounds very different. >> michael: it's funny that you said, don't buy a tattoo kit, i didn't know that was a thing you could even do could even do and certainly don't do it with your partner. mae martin, thank you for being there. >> thanks. [cheers and applause] >> michael: mae's album "i'm a tv" is available now, and check out tour dates at maemartinmusic.com. mae martin. mae martin. we're goin touches of black. they say a lot without having to say much. they stand for elegance.

refinement. and prestige. even a little can go a long way. and though they're darker than the darkest night. they make you see everything in a new light. the kia x-line nightfall collection. ♪♪ (♪♪) (♪♪)

(♪♪) you want high-performance tools, long-lasting tools, affordable tools. you want harbor freight tools. whatever you do, do it for less at harbor freight. save even more at this weekend's parking lot sale. ♪ “talk” by selena gomez and benny blanco ♪ ♪ i need your arms around me, ♪ ♪ i need to feel your touch ♪ ♪ hey! ♪ ♪ baby, i'm tired of waiting ♪ ♪ go re-charge your batteries, ♪ ♪ come back to me and make your mama proud ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ i need your arms around me, ♪ ♪ i need to feel your touch ♪ ♪ and i really want to talk! ♪ [cheers and applause] >> michael: that's our show for tonight. now here it is, your "moment of zen." >> canadians are opening their wallets wider for made in canada products. they are forgoing some items altogether. >> we did not buy any fresh berries because the only ones we found were american and it is specifically floridian. no. it's not happening in my house. >> sorry. ♪ it seems today ♪ ♪ that all you see ♪ ♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪ ♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ ♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪ ♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ ♪ all the things that make us ♪ ♪ laugh and cry ♪ ♪ he's... a... fam... ily... guy ♪ [saw whirring] i won a chain saw. what? what are you talking about? some lady up the block is giving away all of her husband's stuff 'cause he shot himself -in the face. -oh, my god! i've seen that lady. he did the right thing. that's also how we got this couch. basically, everything in this house is christmas suicide furniture. donna, they had a bullhorn. i don't know why, but they had a bullhorn. [donna] cleveland, it's time for lunch. what do i want? sammich! when do i want it? now! ♪ i ain't eatin' no lipton soup ♪

so, kids, bonnie just told me about the neatest thing. it's called a podcast. i guess it's like a-- a radio show on your phone. have you heard of these? podcasts. yeah, mom, we know what podcasts are. huh. [chuckles] i guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms. i'll have to let bonnie know. [beeping] [machine whirring] [dialing] [beeping] [bonnie] wow, really? mom, stewie needs his sausage cut and his butter spread. here, let me get that for you, buddy. [whirring] [rattling] there you go. eat up, little guy. damn it, peter. you ruined stewie's chair. [vibrating]