>> reporter: sending at 9:00 eastern and pacific on c-span2. >> next on booktv, bay buchanan, former united states treasurer present her experiences. she recount the challenges shea face and the lessons she learned as she worked to balance her home and career. >> special welcome to bay buchanan who is here to discuss her new book "bay and her boys," lessons are learned as a single mom. >> i am pleased to be here to talk about this book i spent the better part of a year writing. what i want to say is give a

sense why i wrote the book and what my goals were in doing so. let me, and most of you know i am a political analyst and political pundit very involved in politics for many years but the book i wrote is not political. it is meant for all people from any different philosophy and background and i make that clear. it is a book about parenting. in number of people recently have suggested that i must have incredible insight that i would write a book at the time when the mommy wars were happening. hy had no idea i would have political discussions when my book was coming out and wet me mention that this whole discussion about at home moms or working moms and single moms is such a mistake because we don't need to be divided. we have so much in common. as i write the book and talk to other moms when i was raising my

children, how many moms came to me, i feel like a single mom. my husband travels or whatever it might be or works long hours and so what is important is i tell my stories in this book. i have had so many people say that reminds me what happened when i was raised. something my mom or dad did and something about how their own experiences when it comes to being a mother. mothers can all match it. they have their own stories and there and kids. the response i am getting to my book is people are recalling those times. good times and funny times and crazy times they had in their own life. "bay and her boys" is a positive, up beach, entertaining account of my life as a single

mom. as i write it i do so with stories and anecdotes to demonstrate the lessons i learned as i did this through my kids most often. and i take from those lessons rules. the rules of parenting i believe our rules especially for single moms. i became a single mom when i was dumped into the world and single moms 24 years ago. it was something i never expected. i was raised one of nine children in a catholic family. my father was a central figure. i happen to be one of those individuals, very fortunate individuals. i went to college thinking i had the greatest childhood there was. the best imaginable family. we had our own issues but i loved the high energy craziness in that home that we had.

so i always expected to be a mom and i wanted to give my kids that kind of great childhood. they loved their own home or their own family and that experience they had in those early years. i found myself 4-year-old and 2-year-old and single, pregnant with my third son and a single mom with no data in the home. it was heartbreaking as anyone who has been through a divorce knows but on top of that i didn't know i could provide for my kids in the same way that my dad and mom provided for me not just financially but emotionally and in that structure, wonderful life. i felt enormous loss for my children. i had to work through that.

i can and just give a. i have to make sure they have this life. if they have something as great as i had, it can be as good. it has to be because i have to be able to do this. i have to for my boys. i remember my dad had come from a broken family. his mom raised him alone. i was in my 60s. very successfully well-known and i came down the steps and he was sitting there and he said to me

i can still remember him. i can still remember my dad as a tall man with red hair. after he left us for years i would look for a tall redheaded man in corners of the school or the sidewalks in hopes that maybe that was him. hoping it would be my dad. it was heartbreaking. high school or college, i sir -- are thought to myself it has been probably almost 50 years andi thought to myself it has b probably almost 50 years and yet he still had this inc's about what happened to him. i thought this is brutal. made me say i have to compensate.

i have to do something. so i tell my story and my first chapter as i am telling you now and what i came to is as i looked through this and realized something has to be different, i have to make sure i can do this. i ran into a friend i hadn't seen in years and she came up and i ran into her and it was great to see her and i was animated and excited and she stepped back and said i feel so terrible to tell you this but i am divorced. you could see in her face. i am such a failure. i feel like such a failure. it upset me because i thought you can't be a failure. you are a single mom. you cannot be a failure. i don't know what happened. it doesn't matter what happened. as i right in the book is so important that if you are a single mom or a single parent to put the past in the back, don't

spend all this time thinking what i should have done or could have done or could have been it is done and you'd have to spend all your energy on what you are now and be proud to be the mother of your children. that is where you can be successful end to be apologetic or to feel you can't live up to this because you can and in fact you have to because what is at stake is your children. as i wrote that chapter realized as i raised those kids, a great concern to me was where was the encouragement? where was the issue of hope for single moms? as a conservative we have messages for everybody quite honestly. so does the left. that is the political debate. when i saw my friends we go to cable television with the latest

report on children raised by single moms. i have been doing them for 20 years. and say here is a comfortable report that proves categorically that children are best when raised in a two parent home. if you read the report there is no question -- nobody denies that. the numbers are frightening. as i hear the numbers across the screen and read them myself in the newspaper, increased possibility of children failing in school or getting into drugs or in trouble with the law. it goes on having emotional illness and physical illness. list goes on and you think my gosh. at one stage after i heard one of my friends saying how critical it was, i thought to myself what if that is not possible. what do we do? maybe marijuana for desert because these kids are done for

any how. there was no message of here is what you might do. there is not one. i would constantly say to myself truly we have a message for single moms because we want their children to succeed as much as we want everyone's children to succeed. we don't want to fight that group off and say those nineteen million children are up the creek. as i went through those years i saw a lack of a message. not just from the right but the left as well. nothing said i know it will be tough and really challenging. there are some things you can do. you might find it difficult but you can look into yourself and find enormous reserve, enormous strength of, ability to be absolutely certain that you can do this to because you are your

children's mom. so as i developed this book and i was writing a way i realized the thing i wanted -- the second point i wanted to make after take care of yourself, get control of your life and look at it in a positive manner you can take care of your children the next thing was to make sure everybody know i agree that is critical. how do you compensate for this? they are not against your children. their story in a thousand words or so what is like being raised without a father? all parents know this. kids suffer -- this is what happens. what can we do to make it easier for them? it is never bad without their

dad. don't share all those things and the tough things to lead to a divorce. it wasn't them. this may be the toughest thing to do especially after a divorce. all of it happened -- if indeed a dad in a home helped children to thrive, if you can't give them that give the lead dad in their lives and give every opportunity to see the kids. if you can't make it wednesday and that is the designated time and thursday, give them thursday or friday. give them as much time as he is willing to spend with the kids because this is the relationship that is the second most important and in the case of a single mom the most important man in their lives. pull it together and give them that relationship.

never bad mouth their dad. i don't want anyone to think i was the exchange holding seminars on the finer strength of my ex. that wasn't happening. if i heard them talking about him i would try to tell them a positive. let me tell you what kind of tennis player he was. an incredible tennis player. great athlete. it wasn't within hours, my dad could really play great tennis. they want to be able to share with their dad to have that pride. that is what i did. i want to tell you that it was just about year-and-a-half ago, my oldest son had his first son, second child and told me he wanted to name him after his dad. my first reaction was after your dad? i don't know why we can't change angela into a male name but that

is okay. i flew out to be there and he named his son after his dad and i was there for the first month. we had lunch just the 2 of us. slipped out of class to have lunch. he said out of know where i want to thank you for never bad mouthing my dad clippers will never saying mean things to me about him. i never want to hear anything bad. i want to thank you. and i thought that is amazing. at the time just don't say anything, i never wanted them to feel they were part of this mess. they just needed to know one thing -- there dad loved them. they could love him in our home openly. talk about him openly and speak positively and i would encourage it because that was the dad in their life. i go from that chapter and i can't promise i won't take every chapter and give you all the

details but that gives you an idea why i wrote the story. i saw there was no positive message out there. i felt single moms needed that. having known so many of comes across. there are so many hard and tough times. i know you can do it. talk to any mom and she will tell me you a tough day she had. nothing unusual. you can do this and your kids will bring such -- i can tell you i was a better mom because i was a single mom. everything into those children. as i talk about it one of my own rules is you have to put your children first. they have to be first in someone's life and as a single mom that is you. i put them first in my life and rearranged my life so i was there with them every chance. and i kicked jobs where i was my

own boss. take it easy and there is no question i had that benefit that i was able to do that. didn't make a lot of money but put enough together to keep food on the table and a house over there heads. i mentioned in this book. what they should do and, into a situation where you provide children. as a parent that is the two things you have to do. you can't just do one. two parents may be work better because one can provide and the other can be there. more often they look at those arrangements but when you are single you have to have a job that provides and allows you to be there with your kids. i talk about how important -- there are so many little things that someone mentioned to you.

oh my gosh, absolutely correct. never thought of that. i remember one day i was at one of those baseball practices, boring, just boring and i wasn't big on these sports. and i would go to all the games and sat next to this woman who she and i watched when our kids were at bat and if anything -- of somebody hit something on the field we would take off. no interest in the rest of the game. only in what our kids were doing. one day she said to me she is so unhappy she is getting a divorce. i said -- i had known her for some years. she said we never even had dinner together. i fixed meals and put it out and they pick up their plates and take them to the rim. even their dad takes it to where he has his computers and things. i said to myself why would they

go to their roots? she says that is where they have tvs and entertainment centers and computers and i fought in their rooms? in their bedrooms? probably something she didn't think of war it was good when they were younger because they would get out of the living room and have places to go. i don't know. i thought to myself one of the keys to being successful as a parent is to do things that forces the family together. no matter what they do they have to be together. they want to watch tv, they have to negotiate. if they use the computer they were all there together. would put them in the kitchen. and what are you reading?

and look something up. you are constantly involved with them and they with you. if you try to bring them together, and public choose another option. a family centered home is such a simple idea. so easy to do but a lot of people don't have think of it. one idea i got from a mother. if you have the same expectations before you had children like perfectly dressed or groomed. and have clean rooms and clean little boys anyone will be proud of. if you keep those expectations your setting yourself up for absolute failure. i learned from my mom and a three course meal seven days a

week every day and we were happy. i had to give it up. i used to work on the lawn and what would imam think? i am with them. with the kids when they are eating the pizza. it was there together. somehow sox came up. my second son is a nut case on sox. what in the world are you looking for? the same way. i don't know what it is.

and doing laundry. and all the same size and i have a box and put them all in the box. the kids go by in the morning and pick of two. that is all we have. what a brilliant idea. i just didn't know any better. their sister got married. they just got married. a wedding picture of the family. white socks on all the boys. that idea, the kids didn't mind. how many hours did that say of this mother? i wish i had figured this one of. those kinds of things are in the book. the ideas that it is simplified to the full extent that you can. another instance came in my

home. i had rules and i realized you can't have ten rules. because all you are doing is yelling at the kids all the time. let's just put the other side for a later date and focus on two or three rules. i would be on their case to clean their rooms. they would say we are done and i couldn't see a difference. i said this is not done. you got to get this. any time i had to work on it would be a long period of time. this -- i cannot be on their case all the time. you want to live in that stock i you, bed room that is your business. i am off your case. i will apologize to your wife at a later date. in the meantime you have to make

it so when i do the laundry i can get to the dresser. i am not cleaning up. i won't go down the hall because i would become so anxious. i got the laundry done for stuart, my youngest, put this away and he says -- he puts it on the floor. all the way across the room to the dresser and i had a half. it w . it was not worth the battle. i would never tolerate language. i don't need to.

i remember tommy was in second grade in the basketball team at school and he came home and says all the kids use bad words. i want to fit in. could i just have one bad word? no, you don't have any bad words. that is ridiculous. i can assure you he probably use bad words when watching the game but he knew where my standard was and that is what was important as i right in the book that you establish rules and enforce them. they have to know those two go together. you tell them what the consequences are and what the know as often as you can and make sure they are aware ahead of time they're going to the next phase of life but then you and forcenforce them.

you are the parents you can't be friends with the teenager. they are happy and most teenagers will tell you joey's mom says he can do that. i don't care what joey's mom says. you have to be the person that give the rules. the book goes on -- let me close with this story and open up for the questions. it is very tough but so much fun. there is nothing more fun that i have ever done. it is a hardest thing i ever did but it was the most rewarding. the most rewarding thing to do. i remember this one time i decided to take my best friend's sun. they lived in california. we had been back to virginia going up to pennsylvania mountains for a vacation at the resorts up there at the lake and

the mountains and take bikes and we had been there once before so we invited her son to go with us. my oldest son billy had his friend with him and we drove up and got there at 4:00 and i went to the cottage and billy was anxious to show his friend derek this waterfall which was around the lake and up this path, this burke half which was pretty wide. your not going to get lost. tommy and stewart were at the house. they went off on their bikes and i said be home for dinner. they didn't come home. they were gone. i told tommy to get on your bike

and find them. he leaves and somebody knocks on the door. my son is very anxious. of very anxious little kid. he answers the door and there's older brother billy pale as a sheet. his arm twisted in some odd shade. blood coming off his leg and he panics and yells for me and racism to the bathroom and shuts the door. he wants nothing more to do with this. so i bring billy in. i know he is okay. he is not doing well but going to be fine. where is derek? derrick went down to get help. i don't know where he is. he was supposed to get help. what happened he told me is he and derek reclining around this waterfall. on the side of it where there's a lot of road that is very steep and billy's foot slipped and he dropped 15 or 20 feet until a branch caught him or he caught a branch and as he went down he

hit his arm but his leg was lodged. of that broken arm. derek said i will get on the bike and get help. derrick went down the dirt path. there was a fork and he went to the left and as he went down a deep hole the undergrowth got much heavier. he realized something was wrong and pushed his way until the bike would go anywhere and turnaround and couldn't see anything but growth because there was no path so he was lost in the woods. so billy finally wedged his foot out and was in shock and walked two miles. he walked by two people who said how are you doing and he said fine. one shoe, blood pouring and hand like this and obviously in shock. i call up to the registration and said i have one kids missing and one with a broken arm. can you send help?

response was didn't you just register? i said two hours ago is plenty of time. don't worry about it. they sent a team down to me to see how billy is. he said the to the hospital. can't do anything unless you sign. i am not leaving because i have a kid lost in the woods and i have to be here. we didn't have cellphones at the time. they have the volunteer fire department out looking for this friend. an hour passes. he is going into shock. you have to take him to the hospital. not leaving. stuart comes out and i go out front and what do i do? here is billy suffering. here is derrick lost. stuart goes right to be point. are you going to call derek's

mom? i looked at him and yelled and tell her what? i lost her only son in the woods? i am not! you don't know what else to do. got to find him. fortunately he wandered around and came across the cabin and it was dark and they told me they would have to wait until morning. we did find him and i was able to go to the hospital and call pam. we had such a funny experience here. if i had a partner i kept thinking if i had a dad one of us could have gone one way and one of us on the other but i had to stay and hope everything worked out. it did work out but being a single mom all those years with those fine boys there is nothing that made me grow to a better person than having those three kids. my hope and prayer is this book is able to get in the hands of many people.

most importantly single moms. you can do this. there kids might feel that strength that comes from having a mom in uncharged who knows that all will be well and give that message to their kids. and that other parents might be able to read and take from my message and maybe learn before they need the lesson that they can apply it so parenting is that much easier and that much more fun. with that let me open it up and thank you for coming out today and giving me a chance to talk about this book which is written from the harsh. and ask any questions that you have. [applause] >> does anyone have any questions? >> when did you decide you were going to write this book? >> early on, i was raising those

children. i had one friend in particular. you won't believe what happened this weekend. you got to write a book but mostly to tell my story is about the kids. it was in the last -- that story i told about how there was no positive message the whole time that knocked on me constantly. i feel enormous closeness to other single moms. i understand what they are going through. if i could encourage them a little bit with what i did and let them know it is so much fun. not to get down so that was in the back of my mind. i started writing something when the kids were younger but it didn't work. i would go on vacation and try to write and come to the swimming pool and that is what i should be doing. this was the time to do it. i tell you it was hard.

you have to be live -- things you never care to relive again. working it all out but as i got over that, it was great fun to remember all those stories with the kids. even stewart wrote a few of them. i asked him to write a few stories. i became very serious about writing three years ago. >> the most interesting rules, the challenge of being there. parents and friends. how you do that in regards to the school work and keeping their grades alive. >> excellent. excellent. thank you. so often especially as a single parent you have the difficulty of coming home tired. you are exhausted. you got to get dinner on the table when you say did your

homework? and of course they say yes. that is easy. you can't take yes. you have to say ok, can you bring me the math? you have to sit there and say did you have a paper to write? ask them this week after week, anything coming up so your closely aware what they are supposed to do and you have to check it. you have to. i read this story from a teacher in a school in virginia and he asked students had done such a poor job on a test and said you guys did such a terrible job and somebody said one of us has a dad in the home. no one in a class hata dad in the home. he asked one of his advanced students who came from a difficult background, had two good parents and he said what do you think?

that boy said if their mothers tell them to do it but they don't find it that serious, with a lot of concern. when there dad -- my dad says you better get as. you better do your homework. i don't want to think about what might happen. the key was to me as i read this account was as mothers we assume they are telling us what is happening because they are your kids and they would never tell us anything that wasn't accurate. we learned the hard way they are going to pull our leg and keep from doing their work. as a single mom you have to do the homework. you have to be right there and have that assignment. you can say i am tired and check it tomorrow. let them know i am checking in every night. you are never getting away with anything. i can tell you it is exhausting and there's many a day i wanted to believe what they said so i could just do my own thing and get ready for the next day.

it is a critical aspect of a kid's life and every teacher will tell you when parents are involved they will do well. when the parents aren't involved they may not. that is the key point in a successful education for kids and they are doing well academically. if you are by yourself it falls on you. as i said in the book never hesitate to call the teachers. become very close to the teacher. let the teacher knows she can call you anytime. this is an open relationship because you have to make certain those kids are on top of things and catch it before they get behind. any other questions? >> you talk a little bit about the rules you are establishing when they were younger. how do those rules change? >> teenage kids are a whole different rules. the kids change dramatically.

my oldest billy was the sweetest kid you ever met when he was 13 and i was convinced the teenage angel showed up at night and told him tomorrow you will be a teenager so cut all this nice guy stuff out because he was attitude for the next six years. he was a good kid. he saw a debate all the time. what i found is this. once you work them when they are three or four or six you let them know then who is the boss and there's no question when they become teenagers. they knew i was the boss. i was never going to get control of them after they became teenagers if they didn't know that already. the rules of the house apply. u live in this house and you live by the rules. that is the bottom line. they're going to challenge you. they're coming right after you because if it works it works and

if you back down and say this time you can go -- you are done. because they are coming back every time. they will never let up because they only know it takes a certain amount of time before you break down so don't break down. you are asking for trouble. you establish rules. a couple rules are established. i learned when billy was 12 and from friends they told their kids they couldn't beat until they were 16. i learned something very important i put in the book. if you know there are rules that will be added as they change why do they care? the oldest is 12. i told him when he was 12 by the way there is a rule that you cannot take into you are 16. i never thought about it. this is really smart. let them know now. by the time building was 14 he

assumed he couldn't date one on one. that was the best thing i ever did and he was happy to do group dates because that is what you do at a certain age and tommy was the one who tried to figure out how to get on dates without letting me think he was on dates. he always had his friends can you bring a friend? we will have mom think it is four of us but at least that is how it worked. i knew they were trying to work it out with four people going to the movies so that was one of the smartest things i've learned. tell them in advance. years in advance if you can. here are the rules. get your ears pierced but not until you are 12. you start thinking of letting them know in advance. it will save you enormous a wish. let them know. some of my rules apply to some kids and not others. i told every kid had to play a sport every year. i don't care. you pick it.

after one year you contain exports. you can change musical interests but once you sign up you play the season, you play the year. my third son came along. different instruments. they played different sports. it was terrific. they were able to spend a lot of energy on field. and my third son came along and i saw him play first grade farquhar. he was terrible. he had no coordination whatsoever. it was a little bit humiliating. this is good. as he got older in seventh grade he couldn't hit the basket with a ball much less make a basket. he couldn't reach the basket. this was not a kid i should be requiring to do a sport. i found myself in seventh and eighth grade writing notes to the school not feeling well. can't make it to jim. constantly covering him because he was the last one chosen for

everything. it was just making it tougher for him. we have to approach this differently. i changed my rule. i think he knew if he played really bad piano that i would wear down and after two years of banging on that thing i said ok, you don't have to play -- neither of us wanted it any more. you have to a just to your kid. you have to keep your mind open that everything doesn't apply to each one equally. when it comes to something like dating it does. to be open-minded. the key to teenagers is they already know you are the parent and you are not backing down and they can fight all they want and make as big as seen, this is the rule in this house, end sorry, that worked. they pushed me and pushed me and we had some real tough days but

that is -- the envelope kept getting pushed but i kept bringing them back. one of the most important things as a parent is you can't make their choices for them that you can make certain they know what is important to you. what is really important. that six rules use a do not break these rules and if you do there are consequences. you reinforce it and make it as positive as you can but let them know on no uncertain terms this is what means a great deal to you. this is what i value and you will instilling your children the same values. they will come back at different times in their lives if they give them up when they go to college i find. any other questions? yes? i will go to you. i have 4 of my own children. [inaudible]

>> the question is about my grandchildren. july dive in? i am visiting my son who has two boys. my son tommy was really wild. so high energy. he made believe look slow some times. he was a tough little kid. just like an angry little boy. his purpose was to take over my house. to see which direction this child was going. his way and that was it. i am visiting him and he has got his 2-year-old in a high chair and says to him finish -- done. have two more bite. so he is trying to say just one more. he wasn't going to have another

bite and that was the end. i hear my son tommy saying what made this kids sobel headed and i started laughing? too good to believe. so wonderful to have these grandchildren and seeing your children raising them and dealing with the same issues you dealt with many years ago and not to have to worry about that. you can spoil them all you want. [inaudible] >> yes. i certainly do. we always went on vacation as a family. i had no money when i got divorced. no money. i must go on vacation so billy was 5 at the time and time was 3. i said okay.

i found yosemite, $65 a we went up to yosemite and in my station wagon i kept thinking this used to be the treasury of the united states. ..

>> you know, nine to five or nine to seven, whatever it is you have to do, and you have to keep that going, you have to keep the house going, and at the same time you're trying to spend really good, quality time with your kids. when you're on vacation, you throw away the cell phone, you just spend that week with the kids, and sometimes we stayed overnight on the way to tahoe this in a motel, in a motel 6 because my high-energy children couldn't stay in the car for ten hours. and we would go to the swimming pool and jumping on the bed, they were having the time of their lives. and they had me 100%. and it was just me and them trying to do fun things the whole week, and that's what i, even to this day i tell them they we have to have a week's family vacation, but i want to have that time as a family to grow

closer. and there's nothing better. but the most important tradition you can do is have dinner with your children. and, you know, i write in the book traditions are a single parent -- i think all parents' most powerful tool. because we're so busy and, obviously, number one in my life was to spend time with my kids, but you're so busy that you get home, you do the laundry, you have to get ready for the next day, whatever it is, you're doing the homework, you're doing all these other things. and if you don't make it a regular, routine habit, you're not going to see the kids. they're going to be in the next room while you're cleaning the house or gathering things. so if you make time together a tradition, just a habit, and so dinner. and the evidence is overwhelming, the difference having dinner with one parent every five to seven nights a week changes, changes the likely hood of -- likelihood of them

doing well. there's books out, and i quote them, that that is so critically important because, basically, it says to them you're part of something bigger. you're not on your own to do what you want, you have to live by the rules of this family, you belong to a family, and there's expectations, and you have to do your own, you have to hang out there. and having dinner with three boys is about the most boring thing i ever did. because they would talk all about sports figures and games and nintendo, and i had no clue what they were talking about. and i would just sit there. and i would just think, oh, my gosh. and i would say, so, anything happen interesting at school? nope, nope, nope. and back to talking to each other. [laughter] they never talked to me. so i'd have to come up with ideas of how to get them to involve me in this exercise, you know? and so i would learn more and say, okay, you told me you had a history test, right? thursday. today's thursday. how'd that go today?

you know? and i became very specific. instead of saying how did it go, i'd say how did the history test go? then i'd start playing games, i'd bring stories to the dinner table, i'd cut out articles about people that i thought they liked, a sports figure and i saw something, any kind of story that told a lesson i wanted to give them, and can i'd throw it on the table, did you hear about so and so and get the dialogue going. i did everything i could to make, to have a die hog with them, to -- dialogue with them, to make certain they were aware i was present and an important part of this table, get it? but it was work. it was work, and when my oldest married, i was the happiest person in the world because now i always sit next to my daughter, and we just chat up a storm, and they can talk about whatever they want, but i have a friend at the table, so -- [laughter] any other questions? yes. >> i was wondering if rules that you had, were these rules that

you drew from your own family experience with your parents and your siblings, or -- i can tell some of them were rules that you realized that you needed to have as you went along, but -- >> both. i learned so much from my -- what i did is i knew that i had this great childhood. in my mind it was a wonderful childhood. so i tried to figure out when i became single what it was that made it that way. why did i feel so secure inside that home, for instance? i'd walk in my home, and i knew i belonged there. when i sat at a table with, you know, 11 people minimum and often 13 with friends, i had a seat, a designated seat. that was my seat. and so i'd go, and i knew i belonged at this table because this, by the way, was my seat. when the rest of the seats were empty because people were leaving, i still sat in my seat. it was a sense of security that was created inside that home by my parents. and so that's, then i learned, then i took that lesson, i said, i have to create a sense of security in my home so my kids

really love their home. how do i do that, you know? and that's where i write about it. how do can you create a home that they will love? your kids will love? so that they will want to be there, they will want to bring their friends there. one of the things i say is i made their friends feel like -- i loved them more than their parents. these boys always had their friends at my house. i used to tell their friends, hit the refrigerator, help yourself. if it's unopened, open it. i don't care. my food is your food. don't feel that somebody has to offer you something. and they did. i'd make cookies and say, by the way, the cookies are in the bag, eat all of them. you know, i wanted them to feel completely content and happy because then they would come there with my son. and then i'd know where my son was. and also i loved their friends. i'd also know their friends, too, and i found that i loved their friends. so it made me feel more comfortable. so i think that's how i did it. i would look at my dad and mom's

home, and i would think, okay, what did i learn from that? and then i would see things that were happening in my home, and i would figure out how to get, how to work this. expectations i learned on my own, you know? i had my mom's expectations and i said, whoa, we've got to get rid of these real fast because i am going to fail so badly. but she was a full-time, at-home mom, and so i shouldn't expect the same on myself. so i dropped them. and the rules, dad had many more rules, and he enforced them. well, i couldn't have all these battles. so that's what i learned is pick your battles. just pick 'em. i'm not going to have fights with my kids all the time. just pick them. so i learned many of them while i was raising my kids, and others i certainly was influenced by my participants. -- parents. and that's one of the things i find that, you know, when you become a mom or dad, it's all, you know, the training is, it begins then, you know? you don't have, there's no

rules -- you know, you can read all the books you want. it doesn't apply until you have your kid. i found myself calling my mom, and do you know what her advise wuss to me? have a second one. then you don't worry about all these little things. those little things no longer bother you. so that's one of the reasons for the book, someone might learn from me, they don't have to wait until their kid is 16. they might say, hey, my child's only 12 now, i've got an idea, let's start now, and maybe things will be a little easier and, as a result, a lot more fun. thank you all very, very much. i sure appreciate you coming out today and love talking about my book. [applause] and i'll be glad to sign any that you might like me to sign. be delighted to do it. [inaudible conversations] >> for more information, visit the author's web site, bay and

her boys book.com. >> mitch mentioned, it's in the northeast part of afghanistan. it cannot be more remote. it's, as -- it's where god lost his shoe. i mean, this valley is a cul-de-sac that goes nowhere, and it's up near the himalayas, so getting up there's hard, flying helicopters is hard. the only way in was by foot or helicopter. so trying to get there initially to plan the mission was tough. um, what they were up there to do was go after what they called a high-value target by the name of afore, and this guy was a hague commander. the hague are a terrorist group, essentially, that have some association with al-qaeda, have some sort of truce with the taliban, but these guys are, they're nasty characters. they are a lot of foreign fighters, some cher any yangs,

guys that aren't really there to fight against -- to fight for afghanistan or fight for their version of afghanistan, these guys are mercenaries. and what afore was doing in the area was recruiting, well, pressing people into fighting for the hague, and he was rumored to have surface-to-air missiles and was stockpiling guns. and he was also credited with a series of ambushes in the corn gal valley that had caught the attention of some of the commanders in the east. so they decided they had to go up the shock valley to take care of this network because it was becoming, you know, he was able to export a lot of the violence from this safe haven. so the idea was to go get him and then take care of this safe haven. but what they ran into was not only were they fighting the geography because it was such a hard place to get to, they were also fighting some of the restrictions that are placed on units now in afghanistan. i'm sure we've all seen the news, right? you know, these night raids are

highly regulated, who controls the battle space is highly regulated, and it takes a long time to get a mission planned. one of the things they were running into was how to get there, what the helicopters could do and what -- when and where they'd be allowed to go. and, essentially, what they came back with was the idea they were going to fly to the valley, land in the valley, unload their soldiers and then fly off. now, the team initially wanted to fly out to the top of the valley, to the top of the village and rope down which, essentially, they'd rappel out of the helicopter, and the helicopter would fly off. because of what the pilots were comfortable doing, they ended up having to settle for this mission which was to land in the valley and unload their troops which anyone who knows any kind of basic infantry tactic, to fight uphill is never, never a good idea. you never want to do it. that's sort of, you know, infantry 101. if you can take the high ground,

you want it. so what the commanders had to pretty much reconcile was where they were going to place the risk. was it riskier to fly the helicopters to the top of the village or put them on the ground and have the guys get up the hill before, hope through, the wad guys found out -- bad guys found out they were there. which is where the book starts. they get up in the morning, they know they have to do this mission. it's spring in the mountains of afghanistan, the weather has already delayed the mission once or twice, and they all have this sinking feeling that i don't know if this is a good idea. and that feeling is the one of the things that propels this book, and it propelled us because it's very rare that you get soldiers that have universal bad feelings like that and the candor to stand up and say, hey, not only did we have this bad feeling, but we sort of took it up the chain and said, look, we don't really want to do this mission. and that sort of starts the book, and it also starts them on the bath that ultimately gets them in an ambush.

>> and that's pretty critical, what kevin just mentioned in the book. you don't usually get soldiers who speak out about flaws in a plan. and there was a captain, captain kyle walton, who basically knew and just like other members in oda336 knew that there were flaws in this plan, that you don't fight uphill, you try to have the element of surprise. so tactically, he knew that it was unsound. so he took his concerns to his commanders, and his commanders, it was real important to do this mission because afore, like kevin said, was a really bad guy. he had helped finance his men by this gem-smuggling operation. and, in fact, what they later found out, um, through the fbi and cia was that some of those gems had even showed up in, you know, gem shops in arizona. so he was selling these gems to

finance his whole, you know, his whole campaign. and, again, going back to that this is a remote valley, captain kyle walton and others on the team knew tactically that this plan was flawed. but even though they knew that it was flawed, knew that there was incredible danger landing the helicopter at the bottom of the valley and that they would have to climb to the top of the mountain to get to this compound where they knew afore was surrounded by some of the, you know, some of the best mercenaries, so to speak, in the world, these really trained mercenaries who had been fighting the soviets, you know, for that ten years, you know, during the 980s, they still went, and they still went to carry out this mission. and i think, kevin, you can describe a little bit about what happened once they landed. >> okay. so they take off from a base on the border of jalalabad, and theyly