>> this program may contain language that some may find offensive. it is 45 minutes. >> to call these guys out give them applause. seth reiss. will tracy. dave barry. [applause] i was very excited he is inutes. >> to call these guys out give them applause. seth reiss. will tracy. dave barry. [applause] i was very excited he is one of my heroes. and the first author yaho i went to a book signing.

the first author i wrote to a letter to a and the firstk one that wrote me back. at i actually i was so t excited to come here i tracked down the letter and abroad it. this is true. this is why it dave barry wrote to me. deer brad, one day you will be a best-selling author but when that happens i will be sold because i am older then you. so when you go bald the odds say that i will die first. i am old. old people die, especially in miami. i hate you, you young handsome brick.sincy incerely yours.ows dave. t that is true. a real letter. knows everybody knows the one the

pulitzer only-- last episodey third night award. but he has a new book called co-wrotew that he so he only had to do half oft the work.ability co here but to come here without his co-author he said i was and drie glory from military punchball. the same can't be said of not allowed to name them. which is saying something. set to grow obituaries. the editor of the end is actually the head writer.

the first thing that he does in the morning is check twitter. is that all your life have to honor -- has to offer? with a name like dick tracy and don't trust the man. so i look at their books, and these are from my shelf. these of the first books of the onion ever put out. just greatest hits books. this of regurgitated. answer me that puts me in a keg are with alums like bruce willis masters series. holland of its greatest hits. let's begin, greatest hits albums have no soul. no lazar form of entertainment. makes it the literary equivalent

of another line of elton john allen. why write something new? thank you for the effort. i can't wait until you put it back in theaters next year, and it's the same. a poll this book for my shelf. so the truth this, all kidding aside, the book is not a greatest hits book. it was just a joke to one of the tell. their rig this amazing encyclopedia with amazing injuries kind you really should read it. the city of this that i am on my shelf. this is truly the first hardcover book i ever bought. it's as much love as i can show anything. there is knowing in without dave barry. pat quinn of -- no one made fun

of kraft earlier. with that said, without further ado. [applause] >> thank you so much. the onion would never write him back. folks cannot my name is will tracy. this is our new book. 183rd imperial addition. encyclopedia of all the world's knowledge, anything in the world that exists is in this book. anything that is not in the book does not come in fact, exist. so dave's new book is not in this book so it does not, in fact, exist. >> dave barry is not in the buck. dave barry is a figment of our collective imagination. we will come into existence of the power of the mind theater to read this book is, as i said, an

encyclopedia. for those are not familiar with the most powerful organization in the world founded in 1756. oppression farmer heard traded sector hands for printing press and founded the mercantile line in named after the only three words of english that he knew since then we have gone on to become simply dominant. >> you don't have to just sit there. you can chime in any time you want. >> you may think he was paid to say that. he was. we control everything, television, radio, print. reprint all of davis polk's. reprint essentially every book that has been featured. really the only book the need any more is the kind in book of

knowledge. flabbergasted how humanity has been able to get baia the last 200,000 years. stumbling around in a blind a verdes. >> you can chime and what the people want to know? seriously. >> it will be in the book. if you shout out. just show something out. >> millard fillmore. >> my colleague will cut bill would fall more. it's very simple. the year to the f section. >> every entry in this book cost millions of dollars to compose. each individual injury.

thirty-four years to research and miller fell more. thirteenth president of the united states. that the north and south to hold off for 11 years by arguing it would be better for the whole country of the conflict for handled by future president abraham lincoln. >> he knew. >> the last member of the whig party to hold high office, he saw early on the tensions between the rival factions were reaching a breaking point and he freely admitted in speeches that he was not the man to be in charge of the country about to enter a war that would be far bloodier the moral or one with a reconstruction to follow. tasks that are managed by big-time presence with that club and stature of teddy roosevelt or fdr. his -- he famously said the

upcoming civil war was clearly lankans moment to shine and that the thought of himself delivering the gettysburg address or freeing the slaves was as impossible to imagine as seeing float hands across scipio photos of me. [laughter] >> he knew. thank you so much. >> correct me if i'm wrong, but i think that pedagogical redness is something you'll find your of the entire book. >> is there any other president the people want to year about? judy puente does now exist. anybody else? bill o'reilly. >> we do have is your the blonde entry. american writer whose books give kids a license to beef fat and

then straight with impunity. carte blanche. >> bill o'reilly does, in fact, not exist. sorry. [inaudible] >> let's read the entry. >> sure. >> it's a miami thing. >> that terrifies me, what that woman said. >> miami, large american city of two and a half million people located on florida's southern coast that has been clean and sober going on six weeks now. the center of finance and trade, miami will remain by the grace of god a substance redefinition -- destination for millions of

tourists. mammy -- miami has spent every day in a haze of drug and alcohol. the city barely recall saw its most important moments including 1836 construction, incorporation as a city, or the suburban sprawl of the past 50 years which is pretty much just a blur. mamie cleaned up for bid in the late 1980's, but after the sudden appearance of hurricane andrew the city went on a monthlong cocaine bender finally hitting rock bottom with the collapse of 2008 when travois nearly everyone who cared about it. still, miami has a new outlook on life and will take it one day with the largest population of cubans in the estates of the time. >> dave barry. >> he does not exist. persist with there fantasy if you wish, but you are mentally ill and diluted because that person is a figment of your imagination

. >> rating does exist. >> creative process of raws in the internet, tricking -- drinking coffee to madonna for a walk, and masturbating. >> that is what writing is. [indiscernible] >> did i hear that right? >> palin chronic. yes. i see a hand. winston churchill. >> i believe you read that. >> we have a team of researchers they brought it to well. winston churchill, a small talking man deployed to great britain during the second world war to talk at the british people. the little talking person was. i could put in front of microphones or in the middle of parliament after which you would be placed

in storage until another dramatic event happened and he was needed for more talking. the successful deployment is now seen as having been crucial in great britain defeating nazi germany and its own little talking man. i'm also picking of the entry for kitchen. if another room contains more knives did his room kid how that happens >> george w. bush. >> he's in the buck. let me find that esteemed gentleman. is he? >> he is. >> there he is. forty-third president of the added states who received the presidency as a gift for his 504th birthday from his parents, george and barbara. >> and the state of florida. >> using his connection to the supreme court has fire was able to pull a few strings to give

his son the extravagant presents witchy accepted despite his disappointment over not receiving a ford mustang that he had repeatedly requested. although he enjoyed the parade, he grew bored of the oval office , so his buddy take and of orchestra and a military invasion of afghanistan to cheer him up and given something into. he also received a second presidential term as an early christmas present not long after inheriting his father's a war. >> there are some interesting facts about tours of the bush. main a steep -- achievements, eg daylight savings time. biggest regret, never attended a cabinet meeting, never once. nickname, all fa cup, old massive lock up, called a huge pile, and scored. famous ," i think their is a chance and not during a very good job.

other things. >> bailout. how about the economy. how about economy. let's find economy. >> feel free to turn in. >> we're almost done. >> economics, science of explaining where all the money went. the field of economics is divided into two main categories , microeconomics with examines why stephanie was here a minute ago and macro, with such a the economy as a whole to determine have that much money

can this be done . analyzed it to study wine making money to replace the money the disappeared is not going to work. the best course of action is to reject the idea that the money is really down and carry on like nothing happened. other theories argued the only way to fix this is-the people at the most money to share with everyone else. except that money is never coming back and everybody pantages to use to it. >> bill clinton. let's do it.

>> bill clinton, 42nd president of the united states his popular appeal nearly provoked house republicans to impeach him for conduct in his personal life, an unprecedented move that would have made a mockery of the u.s. constitution and was therefore quickly dismissed as a level with the time. a self-described new democrat he sets his policies would have been only the second president to face impeachment, a drastic measure that republican leaders immediately dropped as an absurd active in the lofty constitutional standard for impeachment of high crimes and misdemeanors. also self aware enough to realize they're own marital infidelities would have tainted the already dubious legal proceedings. these considerations as well as they share revulsion at the thought of tying up two branches of government for months and diverting millions of taxpayer dollars to a trial the public would quickly unmasked as a political and motivated ploy prompted house leaders to simply allow americans to assess his personal indiscretions for

themselves. this noble gesture restraint continues to inform the conduct of republicans to the state. >> on that note of like to read the entry for homosexuality >> on that note. sexual attraction between politically conservative or evangelical white males. some sexuality is characterized by wearing navy blue or gray suits with red ties, frequent church attendance, and public denunciation of other homosexuals. many occupy positions of authority and it can beat -- in can be found working as republican school board members, republican activists, a christian men's group leaders and republican legislators. prominent homosexuals include roy aspirin and larry craig. ted haggard.

>> prominent. >> we will do a couple more. >> donald trump. >> well, he might be in the book. >> we to have the entry for asshole. [laughter] >> i think that's why we put an end. >> any individual at a bar, party, or other social function having more fun than you. also include those who are dating attractive women to make more money than you, or manage to handle everything life throws at them with composure. often have great, loving families to use proper grammar, know about want to exercise regularly to make wise financial decisions , donate to charities and read books. >> people have their lives together.

>> is newt gingrich in your? >> that guy doesn't exist. >> lebron james, how about basketball. >> sure. basketball. or we could do michael jordan. michael jordan or basketball. >> let's to michael jordan. >> read michael jordan. >> gambling addict, adulterer, neglectful parents, pathologically competitive and beloved national hero who led the chicago bulls to six nba championship titles. a fairly horrible human being who can only derive happiness from stepping down the throats of others inspired children and adults alike by leading the league in scoring ten times in backing from the free-throw line he racked up five mvp awards from a 14 all-star appearances, multiple marital affairs, three children is by some, hundreds of

teammates who bore him, millions of dollars in gambling debts, and millions of fans who worship the ground you walk on . also praised for his. [indiscernible] >> woman. any woman. >> judy bloomed technically is a woman. >> we could do sexual reproduction. >> let's read that. i'll be honest. we messed up. and hillary clinton is not in the book. she exists and will offer, but we messed up. here's another insight. we thought we included everything a president in the united states of america. we really set out to do that. turns out we forgot dwight d. eisenhower. >> that's right.

>> the book was printed. we get copies of the book. and in no one out. it was a fairly important. >> arguably more important and millard fillmore. >> i'll read sexual reproduction >> biological means by which man create other smaller man through the use of an intermediary. the man places his reproductive organ into a cavity provided by the intermediary and transfers of volume of genetic material into the receptacle. a tiny capsule except the man's genetic material and stores it in a larger oval shaped holding area within the intermediaries midsection. prior to this muzzle the intermediary promises to alert the progenitor when the little man is ready.

working, eating, sleeping, and socializing to relieve stress. then the little man's completion , in some cases the intermediary malfunctions and accidently creates a new bill intermediary. we don't feel this way in real life. [laughter] >> yes, we do. >> i do. >> one more. >> yes. we have american civil war. we can read -- to you want to read american civil war? >> we also have rupert murdoch. you can't really see. rupert murdoch, australian-born american media mogul who despite being an utterly irredeemable piece of human trash this smiling in this picture for some reason. we also have arson, a term used

when the purity of setting something of flame gets all tainted by police and lawyers. one more in them were done. >> insurance. >> we must have insurance and here. maybe not. >> we have hiller. >> recently have hitler. >> did you say hitler? >> we do have insurance. regular p fate to a company to ensure that in the event of damage, alice, lost more death the company will withhold payment . >> we should turn. thank you so much. we will have questions later. >> i'm going to stand up here. it's farther from seven well.

given up. >> i am a huge fan. i always have been. it's true. >> we are just getting shed on. >> i'll know. long an advocate of the death penalty for whoever is responsible for making a switch to lower flow. we have great toward its in this country at one time. they can suck down a mature sheep. we have these, he have to flesh 18 times. if you're seeing a ping-pong ball.

next we have one big old-fashioned or that which you can pry out of whatever the called that figure is "that is the one next to which are copies of the onion our. as the one we need. just a little schedule not. let's bring her out right now. first things first. i don't know if you heard. they finished counting the votes. and according to the official final florida total, barack obama did when the state of florida barely edging out al gore.

another problem for our state. florida, you can spell it without the. and honestly, if you go to that date county election bureau official website it says election ready. it does. almost impossible this could happen. twelve years ago. everyone remembers 2000. they could not figure out which will. people of florida, if you are behind -- year in a left turn lane with and marijuana pointing left and behind a car, usually

is to people in the 1998 buick. a light changes, there's a green arrow pointing left. with the flock. usually have to wait a couple of cycles. what i want to do is to make it more friendly for florida voters. instead of using words, pictures. you would go by poking under candid it's eyeballs. follow what happened, the poke up their own eyeballs.

the ballot was really, really long. long questions are written by lawyers from mars. at first it was an english, and then it was in spanish. then it was in creole and then calling on. by the time you get to the yes or no part you have to go back. in .we should not have electl votes anymore. we can still have elections. we should give our electoral votes to some responsible party like montana or belgium. so that's one. the other question on to bring out, would anybody, just raise your hand, would anyone like to play for the marlins next year?

they need people. they have nobody laughed. show fans. it's good to be back. this is the best book fair in the united states. i am here to talk about two books really. i have a book to talk about. i'm not sure why i'm here. coming out last january, the checks. this january, which you can buy now, in sin city. there both based on reality. and it's is a book arrow to my great guy, one of the original

writers for seven at live it probably has the biggest ever seen. not that that is really relevant, but if you were here you would be amazed. we decided to write a book about soccer parents. the genesis. i'm a sucker parent. my daughter plays soccer pitches been playing since u.s. for years old. she doesn't actually touch the ball. kick the ball, y'all that. they don't remember that. the away. my daughter is not 12. she started refereeing soccer games for four and five year

olds. they can reach down and touch the ball without bending over. the first game of soccer, the teams, it was all girls on both sides. one team wore pink jerseys, and one team or a little bit darker shade of pink. here's the quality of soccer. at one. all of one team left the field, and it's never clear why they do those things. one of them ran off. running off the field. the of his is alone on the field. kick the ball. and there was literally a minute with nobody in the field. they did not school of health.

their religion even disclose. it reminds me a lot of the diagram of the head with a million sperm around it. anyway, it's like the dolphins, to be honest. anyway, the other thing that you learn watching these games is a lot of parents can be idiots. and so what got us going on this idea of this book a mother and a text, you have a guy covering a little girls soccer game and then another guy who's a parent who objected to a call the referee had made. they get into an argument. the kids don't care, but the parents cared deeply. they don't ever want to see each

other again. they don't like each other. they keep running into each other during the course of that afternoon fate conspires to bring them together over and over again. within about 12 hours of their first meeting they have a series of events that are perfectly plausible, accidentally hijacked a clothing optional cruise ship, as so often happens in youth soccer. not an entirely realistic plot. the way we rode it was allen would write a chapter in send it to me and i would write a chapter in quickly instead of working toward some common artistic goal, deal with this. it will be the most realistic plot the of the book a one to talk about briefly

, in sin city, novel and a route by myself without any help from anyone . and it's coming out in january. it's about a wedding set in miami, people from out of town come. the ritz-carlton key biscayne, and many things go wrong. almost all because they picked miami as the city to hold the sweating. of a big defender. i always have been commander since i moved here. but i defend the city. people afraid of miami. come back. we weren't shooting you.

a fabulous place to be a fiction writer. the bus line never be done the imagination. you just need a subscription to the miami "herald". want you to consider some recent true events. a guy each another guy's face on the causeway. a person goes to jail for allegedly injecting fix a flat into other people's buts and getting paid to do that. a guy dies in a cockroach eating contest where the first prize was a snake. as things all happened.

the chief of police was these planning have a crime was supposed to work . it's going really well. as everett. the this almost killed -- he is almost killed by a bail of cocaine falling from the sky. the smugglers plan was the and it is accepted . it doesn't sound so bad. here's why. runaway nine miami international airport is absolutely true.

this man, without realizing it, burst through the perimeter gate, on the tarmac when they stop him. a problem, officers? iphone during nsc and in the same plane as this have the 57 well, it's really it's. i can't get near plane with shampoo. one of those clear one court receivable plastic bags. anyway, some of wedding that goes for the wrong.

among other things -- all things that could actually happen. the groom, in his wedding ring and ends up in the possession of an orangutan named trevor. what i'm saying, pretty hard-core realism. gritty urban realism. everything that happens in the book can actually happen in miami and it's also one of the reasons why this is such a great book fair. people are surprised that we have a big book fair here in miami. there are degenerates. we are. i think what would be good now, sit down. we will take your questions and feel free time and. [applause]

>> you're supposed to give his microphone in the middle. >> great job with the political coverage. >> thank you. >> we worked hard. >> very, very amused, whoever is running the onion political feed >> dave was. >> thank you. >> during his been inspirational a question for each of you. how hard is it for you guys to stay even just a shade partisan and politics have become so incredibly divisive.

obviously a particular way that you guys lean, but -- >> we lean toward the middle. >> absolutely. >> we lean toward where the money is. >> at think we just really whoever is acting like an idiot return and make fun of. more people on one side act like an idiot and on the other side. >> not so much about the actual politicians we will parties. it's about the media that's covering the political scene. it's about the coverage itself. >> we also think people say, well, you don't make fun of barack obama. we totally to. i think it's just an idea that somebody got in their head. >> we like him so much.

>> we have largely contributed to making joe biden this sort of national laughingstock. >> i think we like joe biden, but we certainly have hit both parties. it's more just taking a step back and kind of making a comment about the legacy of the entire scene. >> how do you feel about here work being converted in the tv shows and movies? >> i love big trouble. >> they paid me a great deal of money. i have to be honest. it's always very awkward and uncomfortable for me. i used to having complete control. you don't have any control over anything. they give you money which is a good part. it ends up being about a horse and world war one. you don't know what they're

going to do. >> that sounds kind of great. >> of take that. and people sail like it, that's great. i wrote the book was based on. then a lot of people hate it. i have to say i had nothing to do with that. >> are read the book and watch the movie. i enjoyed both. >> thank you. >> him with a group of about 85 of us over from naples. delightful to be here. >> we don't see anybody with you. >> conservative part of florida, servants -- anyway, i just wanted to the past what happened to the band?

[laughter] >> you're referring to the rock bottom remainders. thank you. people applauding have never actually heard. anyway, we played here for many, many years. great memories. our founder died this past year. we were getting to the point where it had been 20 years. rapid up anyway. it seems like without kathy was the same. a wonderful memorial at in the program. there's a huge head. anyway, i don't mean to bring everybody down. maybe next year will get some incarnation of the remainders.

just because we are kind of -- for now we're just going to remember kathy. >> he has a t-shirt. >> oh, lord. >> are they for sale? >> my question is for dave barry. howdy pronounced the letter between -- >> is very simple their 27 letters in the english alphabet. we all know.

it is pronounced commences right here flagging the time pass the teeth and then back again to form a soft or hard flick it depending on the usage. >> we time it would be really fun to create a fake letter. five pages devoted to nonsense. the invisible person has a question. >> any other questions? >> sprint. come on. >> i'm sorry.

>> this question is for dave. cooling off memory, two things. one, today really pay you have a vacation so you could write a book about it? how tall are you? palace want to be the tallest person in the room. i was wondering. >> they did pay me to write the book. that's kind of power works. yes. they give me money. i know that's weird. >> you are going on vacation. >> it was kind of like that. i was crying -- trying to describe it was actually like as opposed to learning facts about japan. the other thing, if i were in

the room with you you would not be the tallest person. >> we have time for one more question. >> that did not want you to stop talking. are they ever going to legalize marijuana? >> reducing its monthly clip should since when . >> that's great. [applause]

building of the capital in the '70s, a stanford white integrate architect was working on in the capital with major architects. of this would prove to be the most expensive but

building on the continent, a $25 million when finished by teddy roosevelt. stanford white came around 1872 and said i have to spend another night to it in albany. of all of the one horse towns, this is the worst. but that changed when the capital went up then it became a tourist attraction. and has a an impressionistic idea of the city, articles that cover the ethnic

history and every geographic neighborhood and more. it sold all over the country with the unusual development. is a phenomenon i don't understand. i discovered what a fantastic town this is. i had left albany and never wanted to come back. except in four family. circumstances brought back. i started to see what it epic history the city has. the second oldest chartered city in the country.

17th century. it has a history as long before the revolution as it has since as a central meeting place for those revolutionaries. washington was in town, lafayette, and benjamin franklin. and so on this and the yearly 19th century albany became terminus with the erie canal. we were the end of the river

they could not go any further than the rocky bottom shallows. it is where he dropped anchor and turned out to be albany. it is all of the great eastern cities all of the european immigration. the dutch, english, germans, iri sh, payments -- they came in in fantastic numbers into york, philadelphia, boston. and albany. they had so many irish they could not handle it during the famine and closed the

borders and would not let any more people come to the city. eventually the irish became dominant in 19th century. in the 1875 census one 1/6 albanians was born in ireland. add to the politics that it was always a political city with dutch colonization. likewise with the drafters of the constitution gathering. it went it that way through the years. one of the great politicians of all time was the mayor of

albany. from the time he was elected until he died in a hospital in 1983. "the onion book of known knowledge" terms of an interrupted the longest-running mayor of any city in the united states and he was very proud. as part of a fantastic political machine taking power away from the republicans in 21. the key figure was an irish man. the four brothers and according brothers. they founded the new

democratic party and took the city back from the republicans. when they took it from 1921 they never let go. it is our succession and has been from the perpetuate years of the machine. dan o'connell died and after that to tommy was chosen as a successor by corning and now jerry jennings succeeded to serve for 10 years he

succeeded in a primary. that was unheard of because you never contravene to. it was major power who did not share his power. he ran a very tight ship and was the most incredible politician. james macgregor said we should put this political machine into the smithsonian so we know what it is about. but after tommy wayland came into power, he changed

everything and it was no longer the boss machine. they read an open city and not all the tammany hall politics that all but the was famous for. it was a notable target constantly for the whole 20th century through the '80s. a target for the republican reformers as do we tried to make his way to the warehouse on the back of the albany politicians. he failed. rockefeller failed.