fortunate ones because over the course of time that will impact these guys so i had a sense to be present for those decisions the way the offense turned out that is how my experience seibald. >> i have two questions. as a bar as is you know, of any of your friends read the book? >> the wan said there they're not space served with but it right see everything at first to make

sure that i have a right in those that just lip into the word. if you read the acknowledgments i don't suspect many would read this. not only because they're not lovers of fiction but they are still in engaged so it would could involve the of book to be translated then find its way to bookstores in far-flung places. >> the tv shows with

governmental or career fares i'm curious if you have been in that growth are any shares right? or can you not stand to watch that at all? >> yes. [laughter] as i worked with intelligence the instructor said if we were one-tenth as good as people think we are we are a good. there is a lot of hollywood working in the government but also during military service but there was huge drudgery associated with it. there is some time to see it was amazing from the of

could our province with a group of afghan soldiers with lower americans with 200 afghans climbing some of very steep terrain with an element to where we we're doing it but with my a night vision goggles so we could keep track of everyone but so looking down as a dramatic ballet it is cool. with there were hours and hours and days and days of forms to fill out so i think

television into beats the real work. >> to what extent is the drug lord from the boys from mexico? >> one of the interesting dynamics is there is the tension what should the role me to try to eradicate the up copy trade? to incentivize farmers with mixed success. it is a real challenge to me when you have poppy fields for miles and miles but war is still the economies of having huge force it to be

difficult to undermine and nobody has figured out to undermine the poppy trade in afghanistan. >> but to treat the symptoms >> we tried that with fast and serious. >> i think the united states supplies of spare amount of drugs so those are pretty big supporters of the poppy field but you haven't mentioned end civilians that is the hardest thing is to read about the civilian deaths kindu comment on that? >> with both this war and the iraq war many characters

are civilians and frequently they are rendered almost invisible he think of us and i assure you that it is like an atom bomb in those two countries like cannot -- that cannot be estimated that seems more like a distraction. >> is there any way? >> it is very difficult it is not a pretty thing. have less wars. >> what about the fighters? >> no more fighters and

civilians have been killed. >> we will dash we heard that there is a real changing with stories similar what is the focus to connect to it your own experience or knowing people in vendees to come up with their own back story? >> when i am right taking i feel as a lion standing in a field i am trying to make a fire as i bade them together as hard as i can't is an experience of mine.

so i am striking it together when i get it right the sparks will fly into light it on fire everything else is imagination but none of that starts about the to flint only the field on fire is in the book does that make sense they do so much.

fate you for coming. [applause]

>> welcome i am here today with teeeighteen to discuss her new book "be safe, love mom" a miltary mom's stories of courage, comfort, and surviving life on the homefront" welcome to washington and. >> guest: thank you so much to be here to talk with me about it. >> tell me about your book. >> i never intended to write a book my oldest son and headed off to the naval academy to just connect so i was making a list my son had gone to a peacetime navy and

within a few short hours everything changed so i wrote about we being encouraged did to remember our roots and i was asked to become a moderators so that started a series of 14 years to support the naval academy parents through that time i had to march children who decided to apply and attend the naval academy so as the years went by not only did i had children at the naval academy now on active duty so parents were saying you need to write this down in a block but as our life continued with twists and turns my husband after the airline declared bankruptcy, he lost his pension and into the parking for the airline in afghanistan i followed him and talk for one year.

so i have the perspective of children now i was there at the same time our youngest son decided to join the of military through the army rotc and now i have four children all serving i had ben in a war zone and when i came back first is that i will just write it down for my family so i did then they said you need to do more than that and they contacted a publisher and this resulted. >> so was it goes to the university of north dakota? but they're all serving in different branches of the service. >> when you go to the naval

academy you can go to the air force or marine corps there are limited opportunities to cross commission but my daughter went to the air force primarily because she wanted to try to fly and she had a medical condition that precluded her in the navy but the air force has different standards. also she was very interested in space since she was allowed to make the cross commission so it was a total fluke to end up with children in every branch. it fits with each of the passions with the military service. >> my first audience is military moms. from the moms and dads i do get it emails what about us?

i know you care just as deeply but the first audience is moms that they're not alone and for the website so the moms can and be supportive we don't get family readiness we don't get that support from traditional military the second audience is the greater community it is not the same to sending off to college if there is a lot of differences. there are people of around you to carry a heavier burden and that is what we

do and we do it gladly but it is still a heavy burden. >> i have to audiences. >> you grew up in a military family. you write a note about your experience. >> i have moved 17 times going to 12 different schools my father was in the pre-gore and met my mother when she was in the army as well so i say he gave her an honorable discharge because of those days you could not have a child and be the military. so the first to work he was an adviser i did have a concept of what that meant except halfway through there was the military coup and

restarted to send in troops said they exchanged very because i grew up cry had to defend my father on the campus of arizona state univ. i was harassed and spat at i don't ever wanted to go back to those days where you have to apologizing and defend the assembly calls them a baby killer and that happened to me. so looking at the current generation i think is of

great thing i have six younger brothers and sisters that have struggled and it was a very difficult time but on the a hand there is no place i feel more that and -- more if home and the connection between the family that was so tight the matter where we were we had each other to have our siblings and i treasure that and the people who don't have to waste time to fish in it because we were also a transient so that is part of military life that continues to be very special to louis v. >> i find it interesting you grow up in that environment

then somebody that was in the air force but then move to was small town in ohio and the whole concept of living in one place to me is very frightening so you will raise your children in one place? talk about that transition. >> i thought i know what it was like not to pack one box of my special things but there is a part that is very comforting i know my mechanic and by dr. but i didn't travel all the time i don't wave when people drive by when you don't expect to know anybody you don't look at anybody scar but is

small-town america everybody knows every ready so they don't come into my house in the dark side to this moving into being many places to live with cope with that by moving furniture not just the couch into a different quarter but may prove a bedroom summer has been recovered in late tonight and had even know which room to go to. that is a running joke but there are parts that our wonderful and parts that i do feel like that did the light and is the symbol for a bract ready for a new environment. >> so how did that experience influence your children?

sow talk about joining the navy? >> while it is not predominantly military that we were very fortunate so we would travel to visit them all lot we would come into udc a lot read to the memorial day concert every year and then day was ted stand up renew there the gaseous service was something to be valued but at the sing to be valued but

at the same time my husband and wanted us to learn how to work hard because he felt that was preparation in for life and to into were there is into a lot that can be thrown at you can handle. they've learned how to bale hay to feed the animals before they were allowed to eat so ultimately spending his first summer at the naval academy one of the letters was it was a lot easier than being at home daily and pay. we've got we succeeded. but we knew from the time he was little he wanted to be top gun. my brother-in-law was a navy recruiter a and we would get boxes of posters and airplane pictures and my lusband said he will go into the air force but he had that dream and that vision.

as he got older revisited the academy and elected different options he knew he wanted to be a military pilot so would he was accepted at was so excited and proud because he was realizing the beginning of his dream. a lot after happen before he got his wings but not intel that very first in dutchess day even though i had grown up in the military and i understood it and respected it that first day of a sudden it hit me that this would be totally different than any other military family experience up to that point. >> host: up to that point had you been involved had

you already been contacting parents up through that point or wer aware of the big parents'ere you aware of the big parents' group that is out there? >> back in the day there was no facebook if the child had an appointment you could participate so the questions you would ask is what do they need to bring your what color ted issues and all that minutia as you feel you are in control and that is part of the reality that that will prepare them and

that is very difficult because i wanted to do everything i needed to do for them to be s. wcessful but the strings were not just cut the there were packed with a machete but that was up to him and he would sink or swim based on his passion and ability to survive. that was an immediate ouinteome of the next moment. >> hienceup t how much of their hands on parents were you? would urge you describe yourself as a helicopter from? >> guest: i called myself the eagle obama we did a lot of things to have them be independent to help them sort. i didn't run interference for them when they had difficulties.

you signed up for this you are not quitting the team you have to work it out to show the coach would you can't do with anything they were excited about, i was there for them. community theater and to treat ted decided she wanted to climb mount everest i found an expedition they could earn money and when she was 16 to height to mount everest less than what it would cost to go to disneyland but she raised the monday hersewould. the monday hersewould. so i was a supporter then them or use my connections to help them improve their

lot in life my has been to did not coach so they could have a better spot on the tv and that is the perception and they think of the helicopter parent instead of letting people f foht to their battle that is how i know they are okay because i know they can fight whenever obstacle comes in their path i know they have the intetime mal skills to handle it. do i sometimes feel i am standing on the sidelines by teeing my fingetime mails? of course, . but i need to have confidence for what is in front of them that my luostand's goal was to create ronment where independents and hard work will pay off and sometimes

it was not there and things haday ten where i wanted to get more involved but i held myself back because that would not help thenyt so now a tall fellow parents is a helicopter parent you create that when you don't get enough reformation some my goal is to tell them what to expect when i know what to expect i can relax and they don't need to cover and they sins the same thing to my grown children. if you don't want the hovering and give me some info heliation i just need to know you are okay. if you tell me that then i don't need to hover and now it boils down sometimes it is only once every two months especially if they are deployed i don't expect to hear from them every dins.

i am grateful for secondhand to news from their spouses but i just need to know you are ont ieas then i back off. it is not how to but how to navigate a new world and ssflture that is the military. >> and you have a background in the military family that people think it is completely a foreior t countries of talk about the culture and how hard it is to convey to branch to parents that were justin listed how do you hel dithem to navigate the new world? >> now we have a facebook

page i to have this serious but it is pretty abch basic truth. in the military the rules are rules i used to teach dna in prior memo sgroudents there are not used to that so for example, i grew up only walking on sidewalks never the grass that is second nature that is part of military order and discipline so to have that concept ready think it is stupid or not or to e mress your individuality there is the reason why we need a chain of command and we need to follow that and every

military unit has to have that set to explain it doesn't matter we still need to do what they say because there mottling behavior in a time before they need to be able to count on people to do it is a basic truth. those who did that growth in the military many times that i have grown read up because as you get older you see a reason or the method for the badness. why should they be trained this way? because there are times it is critical they need to follow procedure they have procedures that they have to

follow in the event of the emergency to the letter to kee dieveryone on bt yosta it is a saving that they do in the military with men and women in their command they are reromonemoble for there is a reason why we need to follow the rules and procedures of the second part eromecially ronmentading et. what will they be doing? they are going to be responemoble for other pbehple in their life or death emogrouation. it is important to be polished and to know they can perfo heli in the most di for sicult cirssfmstances tht is why they do these things

because they need to know to be unemotional when people would tell down then we get to the hardest one of all of of absolutely no control for anything you can counsel and given vice but if they have a medical problem the military will take care of that. if there is a leadership problem they need to go to the chain of command to take care of that situation it is pr a ably the most diffissflt part of all of that. >> i see that as a of a great relief. >> i do now but in the oneery beto tnning i went to throw it

it was a shock. but now i every lead to i have enough other things to worry about but for many new parents, when their son or daughter hits a bump in the road to get a phone call or text message somebody is doing, of what you want to do? you want to fix it and you can anymore because it is not aday tropriate and it is what they need to take care of. that is one of the hardest parts to coincide at a time with a lot of women when the nest is starting to empty and we redefine who we are. your parents are still parenting you if they're

still alive is really hard. this notebook for parity in so how do we nav foate this new world especially when we have children that are independent warriors? they will always be my child biologically. >> host: talk about having your children go into the combat zones. there were disssfssions for programs and families and spouses and seminars and

family readiness programs. the parishes of are l for t out and what did you do to build their own com abnity? >> the first time that one place i felt i was with being under water a g and part of that time. partly because i had been there before to be experience dash n zed child is it a shot through? is it a shot through? i don't slenev well with the

so i decided oneery quie thatly instead of responding i needed to be proactive because i knew i would do this a lot. i have a deep personal faith that helps me but i leatime med that they need to be busy doing something different to have some kind of a project when i l chged as many miles as it could take. >> host: running? >> guest: we would be variously described as depnning. [laughter] i waddle i do complete the record seven hours and 56

seconds there were very few people there when i crossed but that is one example of a challenge to help mstaelf deployed i actually started to admit -- to knit i realihem if my hands were busy i could kee dimy mouth shut but now replace the nervous energy then i'd try teetoo actively pray and some of the other things that i do to plant a blue and gold the garden and it

sounalle silly but i try to toune care of mstaelf i give this self permission to take a 20 minute nap or to understand i am walking around with the errra weight called the mom backpacking and it is there because the second something hatpins i hear the tv news about afghanistan or the aviation and crash i am on red alert that might be one of my kids and it has been one of my kialle dearest friends so as they deploy in the backpack gets heavier but f fohting connections to have that person i can call it 2:00 in the morning to say i had the worst dream. my husband is oneery kong is a

great we foht but doesn't worry about anything but sometimes just to tads to another mom is so helpful and that is one of the reasons why i wanted to reach out to their parents because we need to be connected. sonst like my daughter in law when they're on base they have that you did there but we don't have that. so how do we find that support? i am just as worried. >> host: you were young when your dad was dnevlorecd

would your parents describe you as a worried personality ? >> not is a warrior oneery reromonemobl m i do still carry that h>> e weight of responsibility. ha -- so i think that she knew and at that time i will never admit it was worried about my dad ever but this is been very hard because we don't talk about how hard things are wei tust sue thated t up. but she knew i needed a break and needed to do something that would let me define mstaelf as a young

>> >> you are a teacher and do decided at some point to go to kabul and teach. walk me through that and what inspired you? >> as they said my husband had lost his pension is then they raise the age of pilots from 65 vanden no u.s. airlines would bring back any of the pilots. there were 20 who were left at the curb the only place they could go was overseas. altman the heat took a job with the afghan airline and

to decide he was very excited because they were rebuilding to international standards and he had flown in vietnam as the perfect and to his career he could teach rocket avoidance again and went to visit him this summer after all the children were launched summer 2009 we were taken on a to work -- tour at that point more of my children's friends were deployed and it was not a good time but while i was there, i felt drawn to the country because the afghan people are some of the most hospitable people on the planet.

we were driving in the countryside where they had that terrible attack last year end there was small children on the side of the road begging and i looked at a little guy in his eyes and there was nothing i could give him. but maybe if i could be a teacher because what will change is going to ube education that is the key for change. is the mislay a crazy idea but more and more it grabbed me and i discovered there was a school the purpose was to teach english to afghan students so they could go to college and then come back to afghanistan.

they needed anatomy and environmental science teacher which - - which is what i could teach so i carried a position that meant giving them my tenured position and that 55 years old to do something radical but i felt called to do with so i found myself in a headscarf and my toes covered and i went to afghanistan. >> and you were not able to live with your husband? >> was hoping to see him more obviously but as luck would have that i saw him less than a month the whole time he was flying between kabul and frankfurt the airport was 8 miles away to

get from here to hear you have to drive through the downtown area which is very dangerous. so many times with security concerns was that i could not leave or it would take three hours for him to navigate and he only had a 12 hour layover so maybe he was just over there but i could not see him. it was very difficult i call that my deployment year. not that i was deployed but it felt like a fraction of what it must feel like to be away from home, a diplomate diplomate, anyone who knows your history coming in a place with no central heat or a little hot water and no

mail and it was a rough year. there were bad things that happened. really bad things. >> host: obviously you were inspired to help the children but earlier you said you love to have information and in the book party of your afghanistans stint was to get information. so at the time how you get that information? >> i would not running off to afghanistan at this point it is very different even from when i was there. the it reading about that

particular region is like we have daughters that are going to africa i don't know that much and the dynamics i know more about the middle east to read about the history beyond what you can understand. so be surrounded by mountains in the hindu kush to learn about it so you can understand to learn about the people. most people are not taliban a lot of people care about

their family is. then rigo to bangladesh. most moms in the world want their children to have a better life. that is what i recommend is to become educated parent to understand where your children are. i didn't know much about okinawa and now i know more because i make myself a student of where they are. >> host: interesting. mentioning in the book you into bangladesh so many stories. [laughter] >> my husband transferred august 2011 so we went there.

and for me, going to afghanistan and of course, in then to say are you kidding me? been to meet so many wonderful and friendly people it is sad to the of bangladesh it is time to come home it is time to have grandkids. [laughter] i never thought i would to any of these things.

so what will happen in your life you send a christmas card to the obama is and tell us what happened after that. >> caring about military family is not just my own children but as i watch parents make that adjustment panel does sense in daughters get married and i know how that feels to struggle to hold down the home front. i worry about my grandchildren to they're always on the radar to support military families. what a great to idea.

it is in political but to bring together betty's who can do their part. to do research on brain trauma all the young men and women who could not serve their families my daughter-in-law is under of a nurse. >> they had to get ted new teaching license everywhere river station and. >> to save this is phenomenal i will write a thank-you note and send a christmas card that was when we were in bangladesh. then i went back for two months i got home i had a huge stack of mail at the height of the campaign here

was an envelope with calligraphy and i thought they are doing fancy political campaign literature. i almost did not open it then i was flabbergasted and i could not figure out why i would get an invitation to a state dinner at the white house. so the next morning i called the number and said i have a question. ice it does this have anything to do with a christmas card? >> everyone has read your card. what did i say? i was floored. i called my husband i say you have to come home he said are you all right? so we got him home and what

do i wear? i tried on every formal dress by had both girls there she is going to the white house. [laughter] all of this said in the day before i turn to read has been to say i'm thinking about what we wear but who will be talked to? but it turned out to the first person resaw of was the former commandant of the naval academy when our boys were there. and senator lugar adopted as people were great. we were going to sit in the back in the corner to take pictures so we went through the receiving line and

mrs. obama said by the way you are sitting with us tonight. who does that? we're just military parents. we have a farm. we were blown away. and we had a lovely night. [laughter] >> host: did you pick the purple dress? >> guest: i did. purple is the color of joined forces when our daughter christ commission and to the air force that commandant at that time told me you are the purple magyar the joint forces mom provide ended up to pick a purple dress than later when i was asked to introduce the first lady one that i had already

had in my closet it just happened to be purple and i signed with a purple pen because i have four children for branches but the radio we all need to be to reverses -- forces we fights against the enemies we know and who we don't. >> so you go to the state dinner. how to introduce the first lady at the democratic national convention in 2012? how did that come about? >> i have no idea per car went back to my work with parents i had paid

opportunity to talk about the head of to reverses which one was homelessness and women veterans so i was very involved so what do you do when a mom calls to say my son has ptsd and once nothing to do with me? but life was going on. but that was a cinderella story and i do what i did tuesday if you want to do a tour i knew his son was

covering for a reunion i asked to get tickets. i thought that is what it was about. the first thing that happened my husband said they could have oprah. [laughter] but it was obviously overwhelming. who does that? >> but to put a personal story with the extended community for people to think about the fact that we are out here and that we sacrifice every day.