language that some may find offensive.

[applause] [cheers and applause] >> good evening "the new york times" best selling author of difficult women and a contributing opinion writer to the new york times and has written for "time" magazine and the nation and ceylon. and has been selected for the best american short stories of 2012 in mystery stories in 2014. in her new book she gives an honest man more of food and weight and self image learning how to feed your hunger while taking care of herself. we have co-founder and co-host with us also.

please join me to welcome our featured author. [cheers and applause] [applause] >> [laughter] they explored joining us today this book is amazing i knew i would not be disappointed in.

>> there is a basketball game tonight. [laughter] i was struck by so many things because it was very emotional and raw and i was just reminded of how generous you are as a person who was not afraid to say what we're all thinking or should be thinking to be more brave. so can you talk to us about what was part of our writing this for you?. >> everything. you want me to elaborate? [laughter] >> it was a difficult book to write to. i sold the book and i was thinking about what i wanted wrynecks nonfiction project to be and i thought what a rogue want to write about these was that this then i realize that is what i should write the most.

do what nobody else is doing people rightabout fatness already figuring out their body like somebody saying i did it standing in their old pants and i thought i could not write battle book yet but i wanted to so why don't i tell the story of my body today? without apology but explanation but this is my fat body. >> one of the things i really enjoyed for as many new perspectives as we hear and rape culture is still think there is a singular narrative of how you are supposed to react to a friend hard things happen to you and ken you could shift

the conversation and change the conversation to say here is where ibm and when that empowerment to duty complex and to call yourself a victim or survivor. >> nobody has read the book negative. >> of the people have. >> it comes out tomorrow so i haven't caught many reactions people have made assumptions of what they think it will be about to white silk clothing when negative self loathing that is when you are beyond lane bryant. they can still go to the mall to buy enovid so what happens if you are bigger

than that or find yourself no longer able to shop at this store for clothing? when the world does not accommodate you? that is not the story be here unless you watch one of those exploited show on tlc where that is the spectacle. so even at the beginning of the show to said there is a 5% success rate to know that i have a 95 percent chance of failing but i will be delayed maya body anyway. but to talk about all of that. so i believe that health that every size but i am not thrilled to be this particular size. i met then held that every

size founder last week and she weighs about 90 pounds. really? [laughter] she was wonderful. and she is a medical doctor. i love that she takes up the cause because they will listen to her because she is bin and even said that to me but i thought of caper grotius super thin and she will never know what it is like to live in this body. sherbet to be healthy at every size. i am all for it but it is also just me to be as realistic as i can. >> confronting me with my own history of where i think i am maybe since the sixth

grade i haven't thought about that too much cholis going through sexual trauma but i realize how much of that conversation to sit around and be miserable all the time. >> mom and dad cover your ears. [laughter] and then to talk about all these things. >> it is important to realize you can be fat and with a full life we have

relationships and families and jobs sometimes they are really good at those jobs. they tell us as long as you are fat your achievements don't count for anything definitely wanted to write against that narrative as i hear that constantly but i also know i live a full life this is not the be all and all people want us to be miserable as a problem and needs to be solved and we should be constantly apologizing for our bodies. >> reading your book on the subway a man came up to me. >> i get so much additional advice a man came up to me to give me his name and

number but not in a good way [laughter] he said i may nutritionist. i was like what the fuck. [laughter] there was the "washington post" and i said i don't know if you know this but exercise is required to lose weight. [laughter] and i thought i have the ph.d. but you are right. you are right i have a personal trainer. but thank you. you probably walk to work three times a week. i could tell he was being earnest and kind so i have not written him back because my first response was not kind. but it was ernest. like honestly you can go

fuck yourself. it is very frustrating to back one of the things you could talk about is when your body is not the norm. >> they think it is okay to shut your talk to you. >> eating bacon treelike a garbage can that is all it you are i cannot tell you, times i m shoved and people do not apologize as if to be fatness is a force field. but if it does become part of the conversation so to realize one magazine article in people that they are suddenly inexpert that everybody is a doctor nodded

day that people give me statistics that i know already because they lived in the world and wrote a book. is maddening. >>. >> eight think they perceive that as kindest to present you with information that you've never open-ended bocor see a television show where this culture is thrown estes' think that we have blocked it out so teach me pro. >> another thing that i thank you do so well is to open up of conversation around shame of how you feel

that slowly the shame is lifting with these types of conversations what were you trying to get to? i just knew i wanted to write about fatness that is where people don't want to talk about it they know your fact -- that would whisper or say girl you are not fact -- fet but i think that i am more they try to project your reality so i just want to end that to say this is not the truth as a notebook i eighth started to take a very hard look in the choices i have made over the years how i

was comfortable with a certain way of being in that is all i knew so that is all i did. that was useful also learning i don't have to apologize for my body which is a work in progress but writing the book at least got me to recognize that and to articulate that. >> one thing that is fairly apparent is yes you are writing about fatness and the politics but that does open a larger conversation around accessibility i know you are conscience of the accessible seating for everyone and that is what they think about. >> one of my e events will be in an auditorium with

tiny seats with rigid forms they need to have seats available with no arms and nobody thinks about that because generally they assume we fit in the world the way that you do for called the normal is then. so excess ability is important so for those different types of bodies. >> it is crazy we assume that normal is the thin body. but there is such a resistance to accepting that reality and then extrapolating to be larger things.

what does it take to change that conversation?. >> i don't know but probably a financial of comparative. to design seats that our wider than 17 inches which is the average share. wyden noted that will happen because all too often designers whether furniture or clothing say i want to design for the size number two or i cannot feel artistic or creative so that shows how bad they are. if you cannot imagine your way out of a size to i don't know what it will take. i don't know what that will take. >> i have all the answers except for this one thing. [laughter] >> i to feel very protective

of your knowledge she tries to say but so many people will not get it. it will fly over their heads . just like you treated that somebody asked you to describe your body today. it is like very offensive. >> it is interesting when people read the book and still learn nothing from it for coeditor radio interview this morning i have interviewed with her at least twice before she used her npr voicing she was really trying to connect with leon my level so describe your body to me. [laughter]

so i stammered and i said i am tall. i knew what she was getting me to do to do this self loathing that my body is say cloaking aspect i do need to get through the day so later in the interview she came back and said describe your body to me. so i lost my shipped -- shit and i said no man. i hope they hear that. [laughter] i had a witness might publicist was there and suggest it was as bad as you think it was. so in every single reviews so far i did give my highest weight to give people context because they are very bad about guessing what

weight looks like they think every woman is 140 pounds. and every single review has mentioned it. every single one. so i just think fuck me. really?. >> like it is the most dangerous to write about your weight because they will use that like a manual like this is how i don't become her. >> and people one to answers were to be a cautionary tale so what is the number to start panicking? it is interesting. the coverage has been well intended but interesting.

>> dishes are panicking when you cannot stay in your own name. >> it is interesting. in the introduction and you talk about specifically a memoir of your body and where you are right now. so on some level is traditional like the college years but the way it is written i think that mathematics focus on the body is interesting. >> i never wanted to write a memoir. but that my parents died. [laughter] so then i realized there is nothing in my life that my parents don't already know. [laughter] so i thought if i have a focus of dolby these years were was very deliberate and

focused on my body because that is what the book is about. as i got deeper into the book if i got lost five baht how does this relate to to your body? that helped me to stay on course. >> if you don't follow roxane gay on social media that is where you get a lot of good stuff for free. [laughter] in my group we talk about how dastard the good you were and then there is a whole side about how you spent so much time on line talking to strangers on the internet chat rooms so that obviously came from a place of pain but then i go back again to sharing your ideas

and your life to let people or they can relate to. >> i am always accused of not doing in my actual life. that is so funny. >> i have spent online probably since 1996. back in the day and went to college by a parents gave me a macintosh. back then we would use the 2400 modem to tie up the phone line i will take it home with me on breaks. i would tie a phones 16 hours at a time. and i would talk because i was so shy and afraid of the world but i had a very vivid imagination and to be on the internet allowed that so i

would go on the message boards back in the day to talk to strange people and back then the internet was fairly safe. it isn't like it is today you could talk to a 40 year-old and not get murdered as a 18 year-old girl which is not necessarily the case anymore. but i am a writer i work best writing not doing face-to-face so it was great so now you see something we have been doing so yes you better hope i am on twitter. >> so it is like those undertones 30 under 30. [laughter] i shed a tear my turn 40 because it never made the yorker 20 under 40 list i

was heartbroken. what about 42?. >> it is part of your success because you have been doing it forever iambs seasoned and a professional but it is also hard to say you can stomach it for long time but then when the opportunity comes there is that impostor syndrome. >> but i know a meritocracy does not exist but i always told myself that is how i got through the of many years of obscurity and not being very good and i got better and better and i was

fortunate enough to be raised with those advantages to put me in those situations to succeed and i know that it is not an accident so people say it overnight sensation. and i say no. it is the longest overnight in the history. it sucks sometimes. >>. >> pharao per family will adopt to me after tonight. >> i have a lot of relatives >> but for me to hear how close you are or how your parents have been there with your crucial moments to have the courage to talk to them

because a lot of times we hear about us tensions in the immigrant families. >> those were there but that was like 1920's we were in our early twenties when you should not talk to children at all. there is nothing good happening there. [laughter] we didn't have those tensions for whatever reason. i was just lucky i had parents who were willing to parent even when i didn't want to be printed. trust me they boss me around today and give me a vice. were you doing? i got this. i live on my own and everything. [laughter] but it is a blessing my american friends are often times are surprised.

they call you how often?. >> every day her gore promised you. [laughter] it is what it is and i think oftentimes and marginalized cultures are like haiti that asset that you have is people and family because lord knows everything else is working against you so that is one of the reasons we have a very close family. >> a whole play on the adoption and short list. [laughter] >> so you also talk about delay writing some of the book because talking about how hard it was so what about taking your time to

write the book?. >> i am very lucky because i would just keep making of deadlines and an avid say you would know that i am lying but then they knew i was lying but they would let me lie so that was quite sweet. [laughter] i really tried to my feet because it was so difficult to be so open and i was dreading what ever is going to happen in the next two weeks very much so i will ignore it as much as i can i did not want to face it for myself so i decided she really want to pay back? i guess a lot of money. [laughter] for the advance.

[laughter] it is a joke. you said you would write the book so write to the book. so i did finally the guy was lucky to be supported by the editor and publisher and my agent in particular who never once said never through two years of delays gave me any pressure. books take time so i was given that time. >> ironclad that you wrote that. >> me to but asked me to marmite. >> do you think oh cry has read the book? because clearly i feel she is lagging on talking about it. >> i think she would read the book. getting shall have a public response and the private

whippersnapper blow we like get in line. [laughter] and i agree. >> she will send you a loaf of bread. [laughter] or shall send us something from her farm. i also have a form called a whole foods. [laughter] the date she posted something it was done all and called it something else >> she helped me get through the abuse issues better farming is so fraudulent. [laughter] >> i cannot get enough because with all of her weight loss commercials she is in her kitchen cooking. girl. you are not cooking a damn thing. if you are let me show you how to be rich. [laughter]

said justin right to meet over and i will walk you through a. >> data know what she would say but i think part of it believes this is not my best so often in give oprah speak about living my best life is my body and not societal pressure. but if i had a billion dollars that could be selfish actualization and enough's for me. >> great note to end on. they give. >> your rope on. [cheers and applause] >> i love that you are a rock star.

we will take a couple of questions from the audience, real questions don't tell us a long story we go need your name. and then she will sign some books. raise your hand. here we go. >> i did not get too far yet but what was the moment when you told your parents what happened?. >> i didn't. [laughter] that would be uncomfortable. a little magazine called "time" magazine published

and that opened the conversation is because i am passive aggressive because so many years later i will cross my fingers they never hear about the book because you will hear about a book about feminism? [laughter] >> yesterday i was discussing the biome. or you familiar with that? i am very familiar with it but it pertains to us not being the sum total but each part has its own thing in force this although i

realize this may be a moot question but there are therapies like people with chronic diseases and it changes us suppose wondering your relationship to your body that it has in just informed your view of herself but informed your writing itself?. >> yes. of course. i think vated is unavoidable. and it has shaped some of my riding but not all of it because i was writing before it became trapped buy you -- fat but you cannot separate out parts of your identity to say that does not inform because everything i do is how i see myself that is all connected.

>> you are my favorite people ever. so in regards with us battling internal issues to be overweight or to find comfort in food it is a battle probably for the rest of your life so when did you feel comfortable or when did it click i don't have to find comfort in food? i have read everything else but that personal moment i am done letting this consume me?. >> when i get there i will let you know, . but i am still a work in

progress i am awfully there been in the past six months i have come to as much peace as i have never been with my body and my food just thinking of my relationship to food is one of the things i write about it isn't a traditional narrative coming to a magical realization. that is not what the book is about. i am not there yet to. for many women i don't know if we ever fully get there because i dunno if we are allowed. >> last i heard you talk was 2015 and i fell in love with you.

so now i am in college so you talked about how your peers saudia vessey affirmative-action and woman and i feel bad my weight is keeping me fully realizing even the way do try my best and still feel that my opinions is not as valid so how would you maneuver that? how do you get over that when it has to do with your body?. >> i think you have to make peace with your body recognized you cannot control how other people perceive year and that is one of the things i have had to do as a black woman in

the academy that they may a discount my ideas and research and thinking that that is not to me it is them. matter how insecure to have that sense of confidence you belong in the academy your ideas are just as valid but as fact -- fat whitman we single ourselves out for protection and said i will not even go there. city have to resist that temptation and make yourself as small as possible delay person you're compromising is yourself the world should be accommodating the you are not as intelligent because you are fat but i often say

you have to demand that they respect you also being realistic of the time it takes to get to that place you cannot go to study groups or volunteer for various opportunities but put yourself in the game every single time. translator: kind -- [applause] >> i am a middle school teacher we read boring stuff sly and trying not to have my students read boring stuff so i have been reading some of your work and they have rarely been impacted by

it. so i am wondering what advice i can give to them as the writers. >> it is what i told myself to take yourself seriously. when i was 15 or 13 or seven i check with so seriously. [laughter] i really did. i will be a writer and my parents said you are an engineer you need an actual job. fatah. [laughter] but the reality is they are right you do need a day job which i still have. solyndra send to take themselves seriously because nobody else will. and also agreed to have to

read as much as you write you have to know what is happening and what to do and what not to do. [applause] >> thanks for joining us tonight. another round of applause. [cheers and applause] if you do have a book your bike to be signed remain in your seats as we get this stage ready then we will call you up row by row. "hunger" is available right here in the back. [inaudible conversations].

>> digest finished a book called the royal irishman who was the leader of the young ireland movement who became a general in the civil war the first government of montana and it is an intriguing book and one that i recommend. another one from bruce springsteen one of the best

physicians and philosophers and i am also in the middle of the gettysburg campaign and the crossing of the river and the last book that i will read this summer is the new jim crow about criminal justice reform here in united states. >> what interested you in the bruce springsteen story?. >> i have been a fan since 781 of my first concerts' was thanksgiving eve 19801 of the best rates of my life my cousin was killed and 9/11 we toddy to other springsteen songs but what went into shaping and molding of the lyrics and

the music . >> i am the director here at the commonwealth club welcome to today's conversation the author of the of book wild ride in the executive editor of fortune. if you have not noticed it has not been quietly lisa lehr especially excited he is speaking tonight with the executive editor of the podcast who has been hot on