>> emily ratajkowski is here to celebrate a collection of essays that examines her own multifaceted identity. tens of millions of golfers she is a household name for her looks and prolific image that having it forced her into that mention now at 8. the same love friendship and the

intricate web of amp power feeling small one second powerful commode -- the next. with the a level of success that has brought her book esteem family and investigator on evolvingha belief the dynamics f the culture they can modify the female body in the dichotomy between who she is and how she's received. emily ratajkowski is in conversation this evening with hanna rosen the audit trail director at "new york" magazine first publishedg emily's essays by myself back which iss the magazine's most -- read of the year. previously hanna was the cohost of -- and has written for the atlantic the "washington post" and "the new yorker" among others. later in the program we'd love to hear your questions and to be invited to lineup at the standing microphones in either i'll. following the event sign books

will be for sale in the main lobby. thank you all again here and at home for being with us tonight and please join me in giving a warm welcome to emily ratajkowski and hanna rosen. [applause] >> hi everyone. [applause] thank you so much for being here. >> hi everyone. [applause] how exciting. thank you for coming to washington. >> thank you for having me and thank you for being here.

>> this book is so personal and i was thinking if i just start right and it will be a therapy session so the construct they came up with is like i'm reporter: and you are adele. can we do that? >> i'm a quick learner so hopefully. >> we can do it. so you calld the book "my body" which i feel like in bodies the thing about the book. and i had the title is look at my body, stop looking at my' body. like you are asking people to come into the conversation. is that your intention? the could have called at emily's life or something. >> yeah i think there was a part of me that likes toying with the idea of people rolling their

eyes andh being like oh emily ratajkowski wrote a book called subvariant in using that preconception hopefully to make them buy the book or hold the ideas in the book to be more impactful. i knew what i was doing. i was embracing something that was going to potentially annoy people. >> good, okay. i'm all for that. there's a whole section in the book that in my head i think of as the education of emily or the signals basically that you received and i want to talk about that even in your teenage life for the interesting thing about p that part of the book fr me was normally when people are going through puberty it's like the signals that come from inside that are confusing to you and i feel like in your case before you are conscious of it it was like the cues that came

outside. can you talk about that a little bit? the first time t you realized we are not necessarily the first time your body was the same in people started to send that signal to you from outside. >> yeah. i developed really young and i had this body before interested or knew what was. so put me in a really strange position and one of the first essays i published, i was truly a baby. i was like really people thought i was an adult? i look like a child. i did look older and i started to have this experience of both feeling positive and a negative way. in my middle school i remember mefeeling the attention that i t

the popular girls wanted to be friends with me in thanking oh that's ahaha good thing. then also you know feeling the vice principal snapped my strap. she was a woman interestingly. i don't think i say that in the book or that's the point. i think inas her mind and this s really about the essay and general i'm interested in exploring the ways that women try to protect other women by teaching them down the hard way or teaching them about the world in a way that their beauty and their sexuality and their bodies are going to be consumed. for example that vice principal thought she was saying to me like you should watch out and you should be aware of this.

i don't think she was doing it necessarily emotionally i don't know but in general that was the purpose behind that essay. i had an ex-boyfriend whose mom was a very cool lady and she only had a son and we were talking about it that she didn't have a daughter and she said i would have made sure that she stayed planned. i almost out my lunch because i was like what? you are a smart lady with cool politics in your talking about m how you'd make sure your daughter stays then? the minka monde you must know that can lead to an eating disorder in her mind it was her thinking that would be protecting her daughter and ensuring her daughter's future and love. then women are loved more. >> your own parents i feel like there's mixed messages and

their. the thing that your dad said m your mom and people complimented her on her beauty. >> her father. >> oh it was her father? >> that's why i included that in the essay. my grandfather would say you shouldn't say thank you when someone compliments you on the way you look because you've done nothing to deserve it. he was a very serious person and i think he made her feel ashamed for the way she looked in her body. it was a source of shame for her and her family which is why in some ways she took the other route of celebrate your beauty. people looking at you and saying this should be a source of pride but a lot of ways it made me of aware of the way i was perceived and i write about this in the essay by praying for beauty when

i was very young like. >> ,what did you think it was? was a source of power? >> yes it was definitely a source of power. it wasn't just my family. often the ages the most powerful women to me were britney spears andau beautiful women. not just my generation. my parents watched older movies and we'd watch marilyn monroe. they are a man who can be powerful because they are presidents or comedians are rock stars that to me it seemed the most powerful women were most desired by men. instead of praying for money or intelligence or safety it said so much to me when i looked back on that and thought how did i

learn that should be the thing that i. for unwanted? >> yeah. i really want to talk about the portion of the book because if v you watch that video? >> i watched when i was writing the essay. >> it's so to think about that and think that's what propelled me to say such an moment the specific artifact of the culture. >> i think what i wanted to convey when i wrote the essay i don't go that connected to it. it was a job that i showed up to for a day. even choosing to write about it was strange for me because the rest of the book is so personal and it was definitely a moment of choosing that video on what i

represented to get an inside look of my experience and my approach to modeling and the power dynamics that were in play. watching it again i don't feel that much. i think about the day at work. who i was dating. it was that time in my life. but i have not watch it that many times so i don't live in the video do you know what i mean? >> for everyone out there emily remembers the notes from the video are very embarrassing. >> i think it was an interesting time because people were feminist like beyoncé coined the

term. there was this feminist blogosphere where people were talking about like okay maybe things from the past haven't totally been great for women but how can you be great and still be hot? essentially. >> the interesting part which i didn't know about that video is the setup, the person setting up trying to create a good vibe for you guys. almost had this sisterhood vibe inin the room. >> yeah another reason i wanted to write about fedexed dance was there are multiple sites to the experience. it was a female director. there were tons of young women on makeup and set design whatever and for me at the time i think i was 20 or 21 and i had

just been working as a model which i describe in the book. i have this hardheaded this is my industry and i'm working and i'm a mannequin. it's not fun and it's not glamorous and i'm not going to be a supermodel. avi'm saving my money because i saw what happened in 2008 are they graduatedto in 2009 high school and i didn't want to move back to my parents house. i was really scared. modeling felt like this cheat sheet essentially. i also grew up with my mom was a writer might get was a painter and i always and withstood the idea that you have to have your day job. so i was like okay i guess this will be my day job and off figure out what i really want to do. all of that was true and when the video wass criticized people came to me and you know i think there was a certain amount of pointing fingers and how can you

be a part of this misogynistic thing? i felt really protective of the women that i had relied on onset and how much fun i had onset compared to shooting a group of guys. they asked me how i felt on that video. that's why i dance the way it did because i was having fun. it did you feel sincere? >> i fell sincere. i felt a also which is sort of wide i wasn't saying also the guys who shot it were -- because i felt very protective of the experience i have had with that director and the women and also protective i wanted my politics to remind me of how i wanted toe

see myself and how i would feel. >> what you mean by that? >> i wanted to feel powerful.d i did want to feel small and i did want if you like a mannequin. look i worked in the head disk commodified a ball is set my and had a great time on set. maybe that was even power. i think that's true at the kona separate tangent but a lot of the ways that our beliefs are often am part of our identity and how we want to see and feel about ourselves. which is why it was so important for me to write the full experience about what it really was like and also why was in why i felt it was so important for me to feel powerful with a role in a music video. >> that's the whole trick of thl book.ce

something on the surface like we are seeingo you in the video. we like the pleasure of the book you get the internal thoughts about and what that experience is like and that's what's interesting about it. it's like a hard line of thought. it's not you commodified your ownot body. you are just getting paid to show up for a few hours and other people are telling you you are being affected by it and you are trying to feel powerful. >> yeah. i would say about my relationship with instagram at that time actually felt the same way. it was somewhere to the ways i felt about t that video and that on the set which i was in control in some ways. models in the 90s have a way of dictating what images they were putting out. like the magazines and whatever

editor. i was like wow acting carry my identity on line myself. i can control data and that felt really good. it felt like control. >> the thing on the other side of the scale is there are moments in the book where you realize that this is my path to control i'm dependent on men and the men who want this. so what is that realization like and how does that feel? >> i think that's the thesis of the book. sort of realizing that as a young girl in my 20s which by the way obviously my experience ass a model is very specific to the industry but i have friends who look back like taylor swift. we could talk about how she feels looking back.

my tik tok is all taylor swift. >> let's talk about it for 10 minutes exactly. [laughter] >> i would love to. a lot of the experience i had as a young person is a model and with interactions of my personal life was because i'm young and i'm desirable i'm the one who has power and i think even the women that i interacted with felt. it's almost like they were reclaiming their power by doing disrespectful things. like a beautiful girl she's emasculating me in some ways because she has the power here. she is desired. now i look back and i think i was actually so young. i was a kid and you are an adult andas the situation was -- the power dynamic was very different

than what i thought. that's the revelation and charting my relationship to that video and is representative of that. >> that was such a hard end to that sentence. there's a super incident in the book and another thing the book does is take you to worlds that most of us don't have t access o and it's kind of like after blurred lines and a lot of success you end up in a situation. this is a less well-known story about the showing up at the sports game. what is that world and how do women behave in that world? >> that is called transactions.

that's what i'm referencing. i was interested in investigating my own judgment of women and how they navigate power in regards to men. i could write a whole book just about that. >> there's a great character in the book. >> i was interested, i think people do that in their marriage sometimes. i have friends, they are all kinds of negotiations but in the industry it's very specific. as an unknown model there are women who are sent out to casting to recruit other young models to essentially go out with rich men and stand with

them at the table. honestly they want you to stand next to them and make them look cool. it's funny but it's and it's a step away from the epstein world to be totally honest. i'm now living in new york city and they don't go to nightclubs that there has been a few different models vary underage and clearly young women. it's related to celebrity men and there's this whole market aroundas it. as an unknown model you don't get paid but they hosted dinner usually. if you are working model in l.a. and are making that much money you are hungry straight up. you go to these things and they know what they are doing. the whole vibe is like eat and drink whatever you want.

a lot of models go because they want a free mail. they get a little and they are invited to the club and that's when these men come into play. i've had experiences with that's where i felt extremely comfortable and felt at ease and was always very liked clear transactions and those were not very clear. the other part of that essay is the experience i had with the now fugitive of malaysian fugitive who and financed wall street and he was stealing money from them. it was a story and the malaysian government -- if you haven't read it there's a book called the billion-dollar quail or something. it's really. my manager got all like oh and i

just moved into an apartment in new york that had bedbugs and i was living in the east village. i was new to the world. a thousand dollars is a lot of money. >> a huge amount. they were like he just wants you to come to the super bowl on i was like the super bowl and i was like what you mean the super bowl? my manager at the time was like jamie foxx will be there and leonardo dicaprio and other celebs will be there. i do know there were -- that were seized from these actors homes w. >> it would be worth it just to show up at the super bowl. >> while i didn't care about football. i had no idea what was going on

at all. that was the other thing about thesee, interactions. you don't have to do that. i wasn't being told to cheer or anything but what was interesting was watching how other women saw opportunities and capitalize on them. like okay obviously i want to have people around and how can i parlay this intonk something larger? at a certain point in my life i was like it would never do that. meanwhile i'm doing. posts for those owned by the same type of men man and maybe the transaction is a little bit more clear butrt that was anothr judging my own internalized misogyny and also kind of like realizing how we all exist on compromise.

>> when you say the transaction is not clear help me understand what's going on in your head because it's not quite violent but it doesn't feel safe. you don't know what's going to happen to you and it's just a really situation to fall into. the otherr thing is you can't necessarily, i'm reading into it you can tell me if it's true or not you can't necessarily rely on the other women. so it's hard to tell in a lot of the interactions that happen in these situations what is the relationship between the women? are they friends or are they competitive? how are they playing off of each other? >> yeah i wanted to write more about the interactionsbu that i had the directionally quite limited and i realized it was because we were focused on the experiences of this club forward ever.

also it was a bit of a thing of whose side are you on? yeah i think honestly to me the book is more about relationships with other women that it is men. i 1. i talk about my mom and famous women have had an impact on me. that's the title of the book in some way. >> there's a point, well this is a risky thing to do in the book which is to like the thing you wrote about your trip and when you start to modify yourself almost an it's hard to be rich

and successful and ask people to inhabit your mind or feel sympathetic. that feels like a risky thing to do. did your think about that and will they feel sorry for me or will they not feel sorry for me? >> i didn't write any of the essays looking for sympathy. i wrote them because i had questions about my own existence and my own contradictions and my own life that i wanted to explore and maybe try to come up with some answers but also like an investigation in and ati recd of that investigation. then people could kind of tellre me what they think about these things and what are their thoughts and what did do they make of these experiences? what does it say about the worln we live in that you can go on a vacation and the ways i'm trying tod take back control. you know when you say come on if i need yourself it's like i hear

you. at the same time my experience in doing that feels like the same thing. like taking a check. >> would you mean? there's a moment where it feels like in the book there's a moment when you actually take the decision like why would i wear a bikini for somebody else when i won't do it for myself and posted post it on my own instagram and that feels powerful? >> i think it's just about control and about how they want control as a model and as a commodity and using my body and not way but i don't know if it really is power but one of the questions of theik book is whats empowerment? is a financial success? is it fulfillment? is it and feeling wanted? is said and feeling not will be

wanted? what is empowerment really mean and it's a word i hear so much when it comes to women especially in pop culture and in my own experience. hey can we just go back and a fine not? that's one of the larger questions in the book. >> in a way the most powerful part of the book whichever and talks about which is an assault that happened when you were younger. tell the story. i never know how much people know. what's interesting to me about that story is it's the most clear. basically you tell a summary of that. it's for me tot do it but to me that's like a thing that happened that is so bad that it would lead you to take control of your own body and destiny whatever? >> at the time -- >> let's tell the story. >> there was a photographer who

shot me when i was like 19 and it was a pretty uncomfortable situation and then he went on to publishg multiple books. >> galling like years later. >> it's funny you say it so clearly wrong because at the time first of all i turned to the legal system and tried to sail cable what is my legal protection here and there was no way anyone could say this is wrong and there was noo justice there and then i turned to the internet in tweeted about my experience and how i didn't want the images to be out there and no one felt like it was wrong. >> that's a good point legally you sign this release. >> i didn't sign the release. potentially an agent may be sold at art was forged and i will probably never know.

nobody thought it was clear-cut when it was happening gave when i turned to my followers and i was like hey don't buy this book whatever. it was like no, you took those pictures. so i didn't feel that the essay was clear. i think it was perceived as such when it was in the "new york" magazine but it was received is wrong. people felt very wow this guy is a hassle or whatever. >> someone could essentially tricked a young person this completely set up and be totally dismissive of them in years later when there were something come back and publish pictures of you and make a ton of money. it's an outrageous, in your soul it feels so outrageous that could happen. >> i hear you but for me i had a ton of shame around that

experience. i didn't protect myself and i wanted to impress him. as he k dismissed me i tried harder. i did take those pictures so for me ital doesn't feel totally --i felt complicit in the situation i had a lot of shamels around it and i write about paparazzi. the least relatable thing and when i publish the essay was like don't think anyone is going to like this because i was sure it was my experience up to that point was that people had not beenit sympathetic with those things even though they had been liout in the public. which was very encouraging. i had written about 50,000 words of the book. hadn't started to edit it but it was reallyha encouraging to have that going to the world and see that writing could be a medium where at least people could

think about the questions that i wast posing in a way and i was communicating something in a wa, that gave me control. it's an active control to take back my narrative. >> interesting you say you aren't looking forha sympathy because the reason that essay or is there so much i guess it just feels real. you put it out there and all the circle of internal thoughts that you had in the situation including feeling complicit. even though your experience was extremely particular it's not like a million people it had that experience. it still relatable because everyone has been in a situation where it feels complicit and i don't know if it's their fault or not. maybe that's why it was perceived so well. >> yeah again i left the essay to look at it myself but also to have other people be able to

examine it. i say in the book i proclaim my contradiction because i think it's also intended to have overexposure which for better or for with the life i had. i'm very interested in being very honest rather than trying to make people feel a certain way because i'm not totally sure how i feel about all these things. >> there's a romantic moment when you talk about meeting your husband and i don't know if i read this correctly but it's like the moment, maybe it not, i do know its romantic but when it comes and essentially just kind of puts himself between you and people who feel they have a right tot you. can you talk about that moment?

is a very interesting moment in the context of the book. >> yeah before we were dating he was att some party. we were both there and somebody asked for a picture in both their hand like this. his finger came over here on the side. i was just like oh whatever and i heard him say no touching. the guy immediately dropped his hands and like oh i'm so sorry which i would have never done myself to be b honest. that's probably not a good thing and i wish i was more of that type of person to say a that. as a woman i feel like no, it's property in some way. at the complicated feeling around it. in the past i've dated men who were very like she's got this. she doesn't need any interjection i thought that was very respectful. so if you had asked me before he

had done that i would have said like i don't like it when men -- i can handle the situation on my own. all of a sudden i was likekes oh wow he's interested in protecting me and using his relationship in the world like who he is as this male as a guide to protect me. for lack of a better term it was hot. [laughter] my girlfriend reddit and she was like that is really hot. yeah it was. so yeah. >> i was looking at here instagram and i wasik thinking like almost as an addendum to my body. the kinds of pictures you posted lately like the pregnancy series, the pregnancy baby series and the breastfeeding series and i was wondering about the relationship and whether thos' were freeing? there is a picture of the and

pregnant. how does that moment of your life relate to everything like your body isis being used and there a few breastfeeding pictures free what was that about for you? >> it was a trip because i was finishing the book as well. i was writing about my body and there was a moment wherewr i was like i can't publish this book because now i have to write about pregnancy and birth. that's everything but that will just have to be another book. i do write about the birth of my son. i a was curious about how pregnancy would affect me. you wake up every day in your body is doing something completely different and there's no wayay to ensure that -- you don't know what's going on, like you really don't. you are growing and everything is changing. but i found it actually really,

really enjoyed it. everybody's pregnancy is different but it helps me appreciate my body and trust it and kind of let go control and say okay this thing, this vessel knows better than me and i have to take the passenger seat and let thatat happen. so much of my life has been related to my body as a tool and a tool to guarantee lovability and a tool to guarantee financial success. i think it didn't feel like a tool particularly in pregnancy because it required me to let go of managing that tool. he was just doing something on its own. and even more so in that last

essay the biggest moment for me was being able to appreciate my body that takes me through life which is what i body is. >> it's the breastfeeding pictures that i was particularly thinking about because it is like your body is a tool but in a totally different way. nobody is buying it are paying for it but it has to do work you know? >> it's a staining life and breastfeeding was a chunk in that last essay. i took it out because it didn't work timing wise but there was a really thing and i don't know how many people as head children or if had this experience. your wake you up to feed your child. they ache and they hurt and i

would find myself walking like a zombie to meet my baby to feed my child. it was is really bizarre k experience. i'm not in a control here. there are things that work that have kept human beings on the planet and that ancient machinery is in -- is within me and i have to release control and see what happens. and trust my body in the process. >> we are going to open it up for questions everyone in just a few minutes. i don't know how to ask this question. as i got to the end of the book i was thinking you talk a lot about playing the game about capitalism playing a game with your body are winning or losing. do you feel like you are winning or losing? >> i don't know.

i don't know if it's a game. i feel like what i do have clarity. is winning outside of the game by doing something as fulfilling as writing a book. i don'tfa know but it definitely the moment. stand at the actual writing of it as fulfilling. it is because most of the time it's like a surface thing so it must be like a 180-degree turn to feel like nobody is looking at me and it's my internal self. >> i loved writing for that reason. nobody reallyy loves writing. >> it was miserable. [laughter] >> to be clear. >> but i think that focus and the exercise and the experience of that is just, i don't feel

this way about physical exercise that when people talk about running sometimes in there like i it but it feels so satisfying and i'm addicted. oh i understand that. that's my experience with writing.as >> it wouldn't be fair if you are like writing is so easy for me to totally great. >> congratulations. it's a really good but can everybody should read it. some of the essays are so moving and open in so many and roads in so many worlds that are completely exotic and totally familiar. >> oh my gosh thank you for doing this. >> totally. we are going to open up for questions of anyone wants to ask a question please come to the microphone. as his people are lining up i'm going to ask questions from our virtual audience. my mom is in the virtual

audience. from katie in chicago have you heard of or talk to other models about their photos and what are their motivations in doing so? >> is means so i'm in a very particular position or the most working models don't have the ability to do that or have access to it. i do think that there is more conversation around copyright and also in the age of the internet in general like i would say with revenge it's like putting their images out there. there are a lot of conversations around that. there has been a lot of that. >> it's true. they can afford it. they forget to that one question which is really good i want to talk about race and public perception. how do you think people -- it it

interesting to think of from blurred lines to. >> veif they come out and i was like wait there's a conversation ton sexuality and it's in a musc video reminds me of that but i will say those women is women have had it so much worse. without a doubt the racial stereotypes that come into play arel, and even though it was thr music video and they were in control they had to battle a

whole other set of issues that are. >> but it is a similar thing going on in that video that goes on in this book. am i in control? i'm leaning into it and maybe that's a form of empowerment. i think she does that, cardi b.. >> it's interesting because you had feminist and right-wing people people posting this video is. and when does that happen in this country? >> they come together and it's heartwarming.de >> yes. >> my question was how did you deal with the heartache and the feelings of rejection especially from an industry that is so quick to reject women? >> yeah. i think this is something you might hear me say this again because it was one of the takeaways for writing the book. i i wrote it around the

experiences i had a lot of shame around. i thought i would look back at the book and say that's the moment. at the moment i shouldup than something different or why would you compromise yourself in this way and why would you agree to do this or whatever? .. outside of their personal choices that lead them to those heartaches and to those brutal kind of realities which is, you know, partly why i wrote the book is, you know, i don't just think that my life has been a product of my choices. it's also the culture and the world that we live in and i think it's really important for young women to in particular to learn to not be so hard on themselves. oh nice cool. no i did. >> i was wondering people in general who your followers on

you if it they started taking's are taking more after you started your business? [no. [laughter] >> maybe they started taking more seriously went with the stuff you're talking about? >> i definitely think in the world there i think that when people see women taking control of their image and mike using what is been used by other people to have their own, people are definite like maybe she is business savvy, whatever. so yes i think in some ways you eeknow that has been a part of . but the book only came out a week ago but i'm hoping the book is may be more impactful that way. but i should not worry about it so much, right? that's theve truth. [laughter]

>> you do have a true hero friend you have your it helps you build your business. like your actual true friend and life that shows up that's a good counterbalance to all this other girl on girl awareness going on. >> i think female friendships are hugely important. it's hi emily you so much for coming. i am a college student. remodeling, to entrepreneurship, not to literature. i was wondering what advice you give to young women in their 20s owning the sexuality you for coming. i think one thing i have learned this is the thin' i got advice around pregnancy and motherhood. i've heard that but it's not helpful. but you com' back to it i do

think that trusting your gut and following your instincts that is a culture of find a mentor, people are i going to guide you and that is true. i think in particular with young women there's a lot of mentors. you should do it this way, don't listen to yourself and can be sort of dismissive. i have found it taking advice in people's not been helpful for me but instead doing what i want to do. no one wouldoo have said to wrie a book of essays about sexuality. that's the ticket. but something i felt passionate about. and whether or not it is successful i can at least go to bed at night knowing i did what i cared about. so trusting yourth gut.

>> thank you so much. >> thank you. >> yes. >> hi emily thank you so much for sharing. i guess my question is consider public property, or you feel you have to have for people, how do you navigate that i noticed you don't share them much on your instagram i guess going through this process, how do you control that how much are having to share in how much people think they know you because i see you everywhere? >> that's a really good question and i'm figuring out everyh da. for example with my son at one point i was not sharing his face. then he was getting paparazzi that is another example be wanting control there's going to be images of a my son out to choose which ones are going to

be out in the world. thought the ideal but it is my way of taking control. also the field to be more like a headache to protect his image to be other than to relax and say it's okay. you can be out in the world that feels better to me. i think it's a date today feeling and checked saying what feels comfortable? even when i was writing this book with what i wanted to share and why what felt right. in checking in with myself in a way i definitely used to feel like i would never even -- make a settlement would touch never would've thought because i knew they would think she is rude. i'm a little more interested in taking care of myself rather than the way i am perceived.

>> in some ways you're lucky as a writer because that's a response to pair social relationships. here, have it, these are my thoughts. this is what i think about these situations these are my complicated feelings. tiit's a great way of addressing all the things people are projecting on you pretty do not have to project here it is you can read it. totally. wnthank you for coming. i'm curious now that you are a mom and business owner what are your thoughts question of missing a couple articles in your magazine or the new yorker about the fall. but how that sort of came out of crime culture and women have to work 14 hours but also character the maternal instincts and they have children but now that you are mom what you think of that -- make the whole phenomenon and you see yourself? >> at one point i was like i need to write it essay than they realize the essay you talked

about going to this vacation and thinking i might as well be the one to sell the bathing suits rather than this guy. i think that capitalism is really rough on everyone. i think that women have this feeling that's related to the conversation i am related into having as ihe have to become the man. i have to become the boss in order to be viewed as successful. even if that means being who doesn't f pay their wage that's the game i have to play. especially as a woman i have to go doubly hard in order to be taken seriously. and they think that was unfortunate because it did not mean real change. at the same time it was also nice to see some women in businesses and places of power that we do not normally see owomen. and i think actually the back glass toe the girl boss

phenomenon the way so many women were held accountable in a way i don't think there were as many men being held accountable was also related to sexism. >> thank you. >> are just going to take three more questions, are you sure? [laughter] okay go ahead. sorry. hi my name is romeo thank you for beingn here. my question is what we did learn from reading this book? hi romeo thank you for coming. you know, i think i wrote this book with men in mind in some ways. they are men that i am close to that i felt really did not understand why i get so emotional or upset about any number of situations. they would kinda be like i get it, it's hard, right?

[laughter] and i felt like so frustrated i was not doing a good job of explaining what it was like to be a woman in this world. and when i broket the book i dd not want to just be in conversation is honestly thinking about l women a lot. but i wanted it to be accessible to men so they could potentially feel compassionate. and empathetic with what it's like to be a woman. >> thank you. >> hi emily. my namel is drew i just wantedo ask a lot of young people in here i am 23 and all my friends are 23. you talk a lot about control being out of control. and sometimes how hard it is to navigate that. i was just wanting for someone at our age starting out a lot of your early 20s with the best advice you have for it like

navigating that and really harnessing that control in different spaces? >> it is so hard when you're 23 because you are 23 and people like you are 23 road woman do you know? even if you are asserting your agency there's a certain amount of dismissal and distrust. nowhere i don't say the same thing but of protecting your self and having a frame of reference that is not letting things landed personally, that can be helpful as you try to find control because you're going to get so much pushback but it is really tough. i wish there some kind of yguidebook to this knowing your self and trusting and reminding yourself the reaction you are

getting is not because of who you are it is because of the world and the culture we existent. >> thank you. >> last question. ducks hi, thank you so much for coming. my name is lydia. i finished the book a couple days ago, i loved it. >> thank you. i especially love the chapter it's making me a little emotional. i love you talk about the relationship with your mom because the relationship a woman has with her mom is such an important aspect of life. and so my question was before writing the book or before it was published should you ever sit down with your mom and have these conversations that you book?bout in the and if so how did that go? >> think i meant to ask that question. they shared a reading with my mom and it is an ongoing

conversation. like all intimate close relationships. i think what i tried to do to be as empathetic. i know that everything in the book she did outnd of love and t of a desire to be close out of a desire to protect me. and as a parent myself i have to accept i'm going to be imperfect as a parent. and even the most well-intentioned person there's going to be things that are messages that just do not land the way you intend them too. it is an ongoing conversation. >> that is a lot of peace in the wisdom around the mother relationship. [laughter] >> thank you emily so much for coming to d.c. thank you all for coming. equipment.

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