finally, when i could not get back to sleep, i rolled over and ask brian williams what he thought. [laughter] [applause] @@@@@@@@@ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ -r a hit that all of you guys now

want to comment tape one in my house. abc is planning one called "dancing with the czars." [laughter] nick at nite has a new take on an old classic, leave it to a uighers. -- "leave it to uighers." i thought that was pretty good. these shows all be competing directly with governor schwarzenegger's new reality series, i'm a celebrity, get me out of here. [laughter] that's how i feel tonight.

it's nothing personal. but this dinner conflicts with my day and night. -- date night. i was posted well with michelle for thai food in bangkok. [laughter] but i have been doing a lot of traveling. i just returned from a trip abroad, as you know. in egypt, we toured the pyramids. by now, i'm sure all of you have seen the pictures of rahm on a camel. i was a little nervous about the whole situation. i said at the time, there is a wild animal known to buy tickets that, and who knows what a camel might do. [laughter] -- bite, kick, and spit. who knows what a camel might do? [laughter] no matter where i went, there was one thing i heard over and

over again from every world leader. no thanks, but have you considered -- [unintelligible] of course, most of my intentions have been focused year back home. as you know, we have been working around the clock to repair our financial institutions and our auto companies. you probably did not understand the concept of troubled industries working as you in the radio and television industry. [laughter] we don't joke about that, huh? [laughter] that's not funny. one problem we are trying to solve is the high cost of health care in america. i am pleased that in our quest to reform the health-care system, have gained the support of the american medical

association. it proves true, the old expression that it is easier to catch flies with honey. if money doesn't work, feel free to use an open palm and a swift downward movement. . >> to all of those who say there is no place for empathy on the bench, i say this. i completely understand how you are feeling. [laughter] when you are upset, i am upset. [laughter]

another difficult challenge is how to help our automakers to arrive in the 21st century. we tried a number of different approaches. tonight, i am announcing a new one, a plan passed on to me by a close friend and adviser, oprah winfrey. if each of you will look under your seat, you get a car company. you get a car company. fox, you get aig. [laughter] enjoy. [laughter] i have said all along, i have no ambition to run an auto company. gm will rise or fall on the quality of its products. like the taut, athletic design of the new buick enclave.

it is more than transportation. it is a modern drivers retreat. come on, work with me here. i have got cars to move here, people. [laughter] [applause] in all seriousness, despite the jokes i have told, i am here tonight because i appreciate all of the work that you do and the role that you play. you report the news as it happens and you cover history as it is made with a hand-held camera or a microphone. you bring the truth to people and allow people to bring truth to the world. we are seeing that now as history is unfolding in the sounds and images of broadcasts from around over the last week. we have seen professional and citizen journalists act as a

voice for those who want to be heard. bearing witness to the universal aspirations of democracy and freedom, often at great risk and sometimes with great sacrifice. they do it because the rest of us need to hear the stories that they tell. we have seen the same courageous reporting and iraq and afghanistan, congo, every dangerous corner of the world. everywhere, there is a story that needs to be told. these are changing times. you understand that better than anyone. one thing that will never change is the need to report the news as it happens. wherever it happens. this is what you do. this is what will help us meet the challenges of our time. we are grateful to you for that. thank you. god bless you. god bless the united states of america. [applause]

[applause] >> thank you, mr. president. thank you for being here with us tonight. now, it is time to enjoy the expertise of the most expert, john hodgman. he is that daily show's relative expert with a vast range of knowledge -- from hermit crab racing, to secret world governments, and president of the united states. john is the author of the best- selling book, "more information than you require." please welcome him.

[applause] >> much better. good evening. my name is john hodgman. i am a very famous television personality. thank you very much for having me here this evening. thank you very much, mr. president, for warming them up. [laughter] it is entirely appropriate for me to be following the president of the united states. he cannot allow me for i am the most dynamic public speaker of our generation.

you can feel the energy at this very moment. part of the reason i am the most dynamic public speaker, i have a compelling personal story. i was born of two worlds. my father was from massachusetts. my mother, from the city of philadelphia, which i believe is not even in the same stage. i grew up in massachusetts, your typical liberal town, but i did not have a limousine until i was 12. my parents came from working- class families. we had a modest home. 16 rooms, it is true. we devoted one-room solely so i could practice the clarinet and the viola. yes, that is right. strings and winds in the same room. i fused the two worlds, i made it happen but somehow through

this strange hybrid upbringing, i still managed to obtain the american dream. i went on television. it can happen. even in this country, a middle aged round faced weak-chinned nerd can go on television, and i am living proof. the president has his own compelling personal story of some kind, so i have heard. you know what i am talking about. he is also born of two worlds. that is why we look to him into this presidency for inspiration and for hope. hope, finally, that we can heal the great and shameful division that has plagued our nation for so long i am talking about the age-old conflict between chocks

and marriage. it is the culture war of our time. -- the age-old conflict between jocks and nerds. when i speak of jocks, i am not speaking of athletes because they are people with beautiful skills and are greatly rewarded. they walked like giants across the earth. it is a question of philosophy. the last mission did not have a lot of athletes, but it was clearly a jock administration . it was a question of philosophy. they proceeded with intense confidence and certainty that everything they did was correct. they probably hated anyone that used the word privileged as a verb. they were led by a cheerleader,

obviously. most of the reporters in this room worked on their newspapers and were nerds. you on the questioners, the nitpickers. that is why you are so annoying sometimes. unlike the jocks that are great to be around. not so much you and me, i am afraid. radio talk-show hosts are jocks, blocggers are nerds. radio shack hobby nerds. it is called winning them over, mr. president. speaking of supreme court nominees, anyone who believes they know the original intent of the framers of the constitution are obviously jocks because they hate hippies and they neglect

the fact that the constitution is the most geeky document of all time. it was written by a monied, clique the bifocal-wearing nerds that thought god was an on caring dungeon master. -- was an uncaring dungeon master. didn't he say he was a nerd? to you people, i say shut up, nerds. this is not the time for bickering. this is an historic moment. seated to my right is the person that some people say is the first merde president of the modern era. [applause] look at the evidence. it is said that he collected comic books as a child cou. he knows who the father is --

the father of superman is. he is apparently addicted to@@@ appreciate that we have reached a turning point in history, a revenge of the nerds.

but we are nervous. more so than usual. we are wary, mr. president, i am sorry to say. are you really one of us? after all, despite his spockish calm and gangely frame, he is known to dabble in sports. not just bowling. [laughter] but the hard stuff, what they call baskets ball. he was seen looking at march- brackets, and i was encouraged by this because i thought it was some form of obscure punctuation. i thought he was a type face nerd, my kind of people. i don't know what to believe anymore. the talk-show radio hosts say

the president is in mystery. we have no proof that he is an american citizen or an earthling for that matter. [laughter] i think it is illegitimate question. is the president truly nerd core? or is it an act? like those prosthetic ears. you people to an amazing job but are not asking the right questions about his credentials. may i have the first slide? there we go. this is a picture that i found on the internet, mr. president. for those of you listening on the radio, there is a picture of the president standing in front of a statute of superman. it was taken in illinois. is this a doctored photo or a real photo?

did you know that statue was behind you? [laughter] i read on the internet that this photo was on your senate web site for a period of time? is that true? why is it not the home page of whitehouse.gov. are you ashamed? [laughter] next slide, i will move on. here we have that actor leonard nimoy, also a prosthetic ear enthusiast. you get along with him. he claimed that in chicago, he flashed him the vulcan salute. is that true? oh, jeez. [cheers and applause] all right, you pass that one.

what about this? i have read that as a child, you read spider-man comic books and "coning, the barbarian" comic books. which one was that? it was conan the barbarian. there is. do you happen to remember what the name of the god that conan the barbarian were shipped? >> you stumped me on that one. >> the answer is cron. you don't remember that one? >> [inaudible] >> i see. have you and your family chosen a church in which to worship cron yet? [laughter] america wishes to know. there are some who claim that

you are the [unintelligible] hello, nerds. [laughter] i am sure you know, mr. president, and the five people back there, i am referring to the novel "doomed" and their religious cult who were addicted to thgiants sandworms on dune. why, look. there is a giant sand were noor. i know you know all of this. sir, is the name of the giant sand worms in the original language of dune? what is the machine to summon it? and what is the bomb that that

the sand worm expunge this when it is drowned in water? i don't think about this. these are easy questions. if you are truly a nerd -- excuse me. [laughter] i have to let it seep in. i am sorry. i am sorry i lost control. i am sorry, mr. president. it is my fault. you are clearly not the person we thought it would be. perhaps, it was wrong and impractical and unrealistic for us to lay such hopes up on new. the reality is, we are geeks. we are defined by our passions and by our open mindedness.

i am nervous. i am nervous because this is a beginning. a beginning is a delicate time, and it is unsettling to realize that at the time that we are in is not a triumph. this is not the end of something happening. this is the beginning of a long journey. many of the categories we have used to define ourselves are evaporation. while that is exciting, it is also unsettling and scary. in many ways, talk-show radio hosts are correct. the president is a complete mystery to me, but no more so than the future itself. i am obliged to embrace the future. i am happy to turn to the president and extent what i consider to be the most american of greetings. although we might not always agree, i will always be your friend. live long and prosper.

thank you very much. [applause] >> thank you, john. please give a round of applause for john. [applause]

we can end up disposing of the 10 or 15 amendments associated with that subject matter. >> mr. chairman, a question. >> yes, senator? >> my staff notified me that this's been a cbo briefing scheduled for 11:00 a.m. on monday morning. >> right. >> could i ask the chair to consider that those of us who already had travel plans in place trying to get back with a mark-up schedule, and i think that started it too that it is impossible for us to make the briefing. would the chair consider moving the time of the briefing so all members could participate in it? i think it is absolutely crucial that we understand from cbo how they're scoring the bill and as a follow-up to that, there's

rumors that the second half of the bill will not be shared this afternoon, and i'd like to ask the chair if those rumors have any truth to them since we were supposed to receive the remainder of the bill yesterday in that slip. i think it is abchutely crucial that we have ample time to understand what's in the bill before cbo briefs us on the cost of the bill. >> first of all, we'll move the briefing to noon to accommodate members coming back. i'll accommodate my colleagues on that point and my intention would be in my conversations and consultations with mike on this because we don't have that ready to let these filing dates slip to give adequate time for members to respond once those proposals are on the table. >> mr. chairman, but does that -- will we get the second half of the bill today? >> well, we're going to try, but we need to have more tomb. if we did it today -- we'll try and let people know when we can get that to you. >> mr. chairman, how can we

possibly know what amendments we want until we have the bill? this has turned into -- i've been around here for a long time. i have never seen a process where we are expected to amend a bill and the key elements of which we have never seen and all the stuff -- the time that you have wasted is unbelievable to me. i thought your time was more valuable than that, mr. chairman. i know mine is. here we are, the two key elements, employer mandates and what the government option is which is the heart and the guts of immigration reform and we still haven't seen it and we may not see it tonight or we may see it next week and you're talking about closing out amendments and we haven't seen what is the fundamental aspects of the bill. i don't know. >> now you're going to go to the floor next week and you'll say we have to finish this by friday because we're going into recess and i've given the committee all these hours, and i