thursday's are my day to work in machel's garden -- in michelle's garden. the job does have some perks like when tiger woods came to give me some tips. they were golf tips. [laughter] by the way, republicans think that everything is wrong their way these days, and so do you. they think the supreme court decision of citizens united opens up a cash bonanza. but i figured out a way to make it work for us. we have the bully pulpit. product placement. product placement. . .

>> and the massachusetts senate race. i want to give you my response to both of them to read that people wonder why i have embraced scott brown so wonderfully he is here tonight. he has a tough job filling the hughes of the sexiest man in the senate. -- filling the shoes of the sexiest man in the senate. i think it is me, scott, not

you. with regard to bo, people speculated why he decided not to run for the senate. why would he? he loves the light that he has right now. i have to get a new prompter operator now. you would be in trouble if you had the stuff i had. let me say have been -- the staff that i have. let me thank you for one more thing [laughter] -- one more thing. [applause] as president jefferson said, our liberty cannot be guarded by

liberty of the press. i agree with him. notwithstanding the fact that the only media outlet this town has ever given me a fair shake his amtrak magazine. [laughter] [applause] ladies and so,, thank you for having me and god bless you and god bless our troops. -- ladies and gentleman, thank you for having me and god bless you and god bless our troops. [applause] >> thank you so much, mr. vice president. i appreciate that. ok, if he wants to, but i told him to keep it short. keep it short.

someone wants to say hello. >> good evening. i would like to thank the radio and television correspondents association for having this dinner. i would also like to think anybody who made it tonight that may have crashed the party. i am sure we will hear about you on "tmz" in the morning. now that arnold schwarzenegger will no longer be governor of california, i wonder if he would be at these events. i think we would have a lot less party crashers when someone's credentials did not check out, arnold could scream, "get out of here." but that is just me.

i coupe -- i could have been a fox news reporter. i have the legs for it. if that joke offended anyone, do not worry. i will invite you to a beer some of and everything will be ok. just the other day, joe biden invited me to the st. patrick's day after party. i told him i was not irish. he said that i was. he is still convinced that my name is o'bama. i told him that he did not have any good examples. he said, "oprah."

the two-party has become a phenomenon of they are all energized and stuff. perhaps they should switch to decaf. if they slow down just below a bit, maybe they would run a few spell check on those posters. i am sure that we can get a few republicans to back the health care bill. republicans like lindsey graham. it will cover rogaine, jarrett hall and others. -- a jarrett all -- geritol others. we must keep -- i am going to make a personal trip myself to beverly hills. in closing, on a serious note,

what is ahead of us is tough and not everyone agrees with my choices, however, by the end of my term, i promise that americans will have banded together for the first time and degree that once you got black, you do not go back. -- what should go black, you do not go back. -- wants hugo black, you do not go back. -- once you go black, you do not go back. >> our headliner tonight is a self titled all-american immigrant. he has come a long way from a rosie i add new immigrant to one of the hottest properties in the world economy -- world of comedy. since 2001, he has been a

favorite among comedians and audiences alike. ladies and gentlemen, i give you joe wong. [applause] >> good evening, everyone. my name is joe wong. to most people, i had known as, "who?" that is actually my mother's maiden name. [laughter] that is difficult with the credit card security questions. i just want to reassure everybody that i am [unintelligible]

i grew up in china. who didn't? my childhood memories are ruined by my [unintelligible] [laughter] when i was an elementary school, as part of the curriculum, [unintelligible] that is where i learned that light travels faster than sound. [laughter] occasionally, he would try to cheer me up with gilts, but he does not do it right.

when i was 7, he said to me, " here, son, why is tofu and important to a socialized economy?" five minutes later, i asked him why. he said, because they are simple. i came to the united states when i was wanted for -- when i was 24. dow was not a joke. -- that was not a joke, until now. i was driving in a car with a lot of bumper stickers. one of them said that if you do not speak english, and go home.

-- english, go home. i did not know this for tw zero years zerotwo years. -- two years. many times i had to say in public, if you do not speak english, go home. he would ask me what i had to learn to languages. -- two languages. >>i told him that he would haveo sign bills and english and write

checks in chinese for had -- a chinese. when i graduated, i decided to stay in the united states because in china, i cannot do the thing that i do best here. in order for me to become a u.s. citizen, i had to take american history lessons were that ask us questions like who is benjamin franklin? the reason convenience stores get robbed. what is the second amendment?

the reason our convenience stores get robbed. [laughter] what is perot versus wade. -- what is row vs. wade? two ways to get to the united states. i learned so much about american history, but be studied at harvard -- that i studied at harvard. they say that all men are created equal. it kind of depends on the parents and come. -- in time. -- in town.

-- income. i don't like to exercise because i have health insurance. i live in massachusetts now, where we have universal health care. talk about mixed messages. i think there was a movie about scott brown. it was called hell's bells no -- kill bill. i am honored to meet vice president biden. i actually read your body -- your autobiography. today i met you. i think the book is much better. [applause]

[laughter] i was honored to be here tonight and i prepared for months for tonight's show and i showed the white house my jokes about president obama. he started to talk about immigration reform. take that, steven colbert. president obama has always been accused of being too fast. they still give him the nobel peace prize, and he accepted it.

lastly, if you take the nobel peace prize money [unintelligible] i consider some of you my peers. [laughter] because i use the campus newspaper. i think journalism [unintelligible] i was going in the year of the course, that is why i am a

naysayer person -- your of the course. that is why i am a naysayer. -- a year of the horse -- your of the horse. that is why i am a naysayer. thank you, very much. i became a usc as some -- i became a u.s. citizen in 2008. america is number one.

that is true become -- true because we won the world series every year. after becoming a u.s. citizen, i immediately registered to vote for barack obama and joe biden. you're welcome. [laughter] after giving him elected, i figured i sure run for president myself -- after getting him

elected, i figured i should run for president myself. it probably made a difference, but it is really hard to tell. now, we have a president who is half black and half white. it gives me a lot of hope because i am half not black and half not white. 2-stomach appositive. -- a two-is make it positive -- two negatives make a positive. i understand the american people

are suffering. my campaign slogan will be, "who cares." if elected, [unintelligible] you see, i am married at now. i used to be scared about marriage. a 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever. by reducing the productivity of

the american workforce, to people what to do the work of one, just like the president and vice-president. -- two people will do the work of one, just like the president and vice president or the olsen twins. most americans die of natural causes. if elected, i will find a cure for natural causes. you seem to like that one. it will be covered by health insurance -- it will not be covered by health insurance because of pre-existing conditions. i have a solution for global warming. i will switch from fahrenheit to celsius.

it was 100 degrees, now it is 40. you are very welcome. [laughter] i agree with foreign policies because i am from china and i can see russia from my backyard. i believe that unilateralism is to expensive. if elected, i will go with text messaging. i will text our allies just to say hi, and text our enemies when they are fighting.

o.m.g., you are building a nuclear weapon? but you were doing it wrong, lol. this is the first time my son knew what i was doing. thank you very much. have a good night. [applause] >> joe wong. thank you so much, joe.

thank you, mr. vice president, for being with us this evening. please remain seated while the vice-president departs the building. oh, you are not leaving? tonight's program was made possible by new star, the company that brings the world together. i thank them for their help in making this possible. our dinner was also not be possible without the efforts of a dedicated dinner team. this evening as a culmination of their phenomenal work. on behalf of the executive committee, i want to applaud the

planners for their commitment to our association. a special plea to the washington convention center and to the caterer for their hospitality also -- for their hospitality. i hope you have enjoyed this evening. the band will continue to play for a while after dinner. i am just winging it, now. a sincere thank you to all my friends and family for their support this past year. to my mom, vairginia, my cousin, miami's -- miamimy neice and a d

to my friends -- hello to my friends. also, my friends that are back from japan. thank you guys for being here. last but not least, a special thank-you to one of my personal heroes, jim lehrer. and to my cbs family who is always in my corner. [applause] most of all, as i conclude my term as chairman, i want to thank our members for the opportunity to advocate and work

on your behalf. has been truly an experience i'll never forget. now, i would like to turn the gavel over to my dear friend and the person who will serve as sort chairman next year. >> now the c-span video archive as 160,002 hours of video. we will see you next year.

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