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tv   2012 White House...  CSPAN  April 29, 2012 6:00am-7:00am EDT

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[inaudible conversations] [video clip] booktv.org capitalnews.org campaignnetwork.org "american perspectives "book tv "the
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communicators "newsmakers "road to the white house "washington journal [captioning performed by national captioning institute] [captions copyright national cable satellite corp. 2012] [inaudible conversations]
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[inaudible conversations]
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conversations] ♪.
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>> what my doing here?
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>> great, i have to get warmed up. ♪ i'm so in love -- god, i totally have that. since the coming as, what am i doing here? i am the president of united states and i am opening for jimmy kimmel? why am i telling not not just to kim kardashian? why is she famous anyway? that's it. next year, we stand by. no, you're right. that is way too risky. wow, look at my hair and do you think anybody would notice if i went a little darker? right now, i am a five on the just for men scale. is the teleprompter working? are you kidding? what you expect me to do out there? i literally have no idea what i'm saying tonight.
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[toilet flush] man, i could really use a cigarette break now. [laughter] ok, i'm going. god for gatt -- god forbid we keep chuck and the cast from "glee" waiting. [laughter] >> ladies and gentlemen, the president of united states. [applause] >> thank you! good evening, everybody. i cannot be more thrilled to be here tonight. at the white house correspondents' dinner. [laughter] what a great crowd. they're already laughing. terrific. i am delighted to see that some of the members of "glee" are here. [laughter] what's so funny? my fellow americans, we gather during the historic anniversary. last year at this time, in fact on this very weekend, we finally delivered just as to one of the world's most notorious individuals. [cheers and applause] [laughter]
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now, this year -- we gather in the midst of a heated election season. neverm told the should miss a chance to reintroduce myself to the american people. so tonight, this is how i would like to begin. my name is barack obama. my mother was born in kansas. my father was born in kenya. and i was born, of course, in hawaii. [laughter] [applause] in 2009, i took office in the face of some enormous challenges. some said i blamed too many problems on my predecessor. but let's not forget that the practice that was initiated by george w. bush. [laughter]
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since then, congress and i have certainly had our differences. and i have tried to be civil. not take any cheap shots. and that is why i want to especially thank all the members who took a break from their exhausting schedule of not passing any laws to be here tonight. let's give them a round of applause. [applause] despite many obstacles, it is changed during my time in office. four years ago, is locked in a battle with hillary clinton and
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she started drunk texting me from cartagena. [laughter] four years ago, i was a washington outsider and four years later, i am at this dinner. [laughter] four years ago, i looks like this. today i look like this. [laughter] and four years from now i will look like this. [laughter] [applause] that's not even funny. [laughter]
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anyway, it is great to be here it this evening in the best, magnificent, hilton ballroom or what mitt romney would call a fixer upper. [laughter] [applause] look at this party. we have men in tuxes, women in downs, fine wine, first class entertainment. i was a ruler -- relieved to learn this is not a gsa conference. unbelievable not even a mind reader is not what they're thinking. [laughter] the white house correspondents' dinner is known as the prom of
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washington, d.c., a term coined by political reporters who clearly never had a chance to go to a prom. [laughter] [applause] our chaperone for the evening is jimmy camel. who is perfect for the job since most of tonight's audience is in his key democratic -- demographic audience -- people who fall e."eep during "nightline picku [laughter]
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plenty of journalists are here tonight. i would be remiss if i did not congratulate the huffington post on their pulitzer prize. [applause] you deserve it, arianna. no one out there likes to be kind of hard-hitting journalism to every day. [laughter] [applause] give them a round of applause. it is a gray business model. -- it is a great business model. even sarah palin is getting back into the game, guest hosting on "the today show." what is the difference between a hockey mom and a spitball? --a pitbull? a pitbull is delicious.
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[laughter] [applause] now - at this point many of you are expecting me to go after might likely opponent, newt gingrich. [laughter] there's still m timean. [laughter] i will not do that. i will not attack any of the republican candidates. take mitt romney -- he and i have a lot in common. we both think of our wives of our -- as are better as an polls show that the american
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people agree. [laughter] will also both have degrees from harvard. i have one and he has two -- what a snob. [laughter] [applause] of course we have had our differences. recently, his campaign criticized me for a slow jamming the news with jimmy phelan. fallon. i understand governor romney was so incensed he asked his staff if he could get equal time on the merv griffin show. [laughter]
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against governor romney is feeling pretty good about things because he took a few hours off the other day to see " the hunger gamwes." it is a movie about people who court wealthy sponsors and burly 72 other rental one contestant is left standing. i'm sure this was a change of pace for him. [laughter] i have not seen "the hunger games." not enough class warfare for me. [laughter] of course, i know everyone is predicting a nasty election and thankfully we all agree that families are off limits. dogs, however, are fair game. [laughter] the other day, i saw a new>> now, i would like to introduce a comedian i think --
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governor romney says he has no control over what is super packs will do. can the showed the ads? >> back in 1983, you took your irish setter on a 12-hour road trip tied to the roof of your car. >> he climbed at their regular and light to better than inside. >> finally, a candidate with the courage to fight for a dog right to feel the wind in his fur but what about barack obama? under his failed leadership, man's best friend has been forced into government control automobiles. just imagine the european-style doggett socialism obama as planned for the next four years. more government handouts, government dependency, indoctrinating our children, a
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left-wing social agenda leading from behind. ♪ americas dogs cannot afford four more years of obama. for them, that is 28 years. our dogs need leadership now. that's why we need to join mitt romney in sending a message this november -- i am an american and, doggone it, i right outside. -- i ride outside. [applause] >> my stepfather told me it is
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a boy eat dog world out there. if i do win a second term as president, let me say something [applause] let me just say something to all my conspiracy-oriented friends on the right to think i am planning to unleash some secret agenda -- you are absolutely right. [laughter] [applause] i will close with a quick preview of the secret agenda you can expect in a second obama administration. in my first term, i sank al green and in my second term, i will go with young jeezy. [laughter] yeah. i sing that to myself sometimes.
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-- i sing that to michelle sometimes. in my first term, we ended the war in iraq and in my second term, i will win the war on christmas. [laughter] and in my first term, we repealed the policy known as " don't ask, don't tell." in my second term, we will replace it with a policy known as it's raining man. men. [laughter] in my first term, we passed health care reform, in my second term i guess i will pass it again. [laughter] [applause]
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i do want to look and tonight on a more serious note -- whoever takes the all of office next january will face some great challenges. he will also inherit conditions that make us > the challenges we face. one of those traditions is represented here tonight, a free press that is not afraid to ask questions, examine and criticize. in service of that mission, all of you make sacrifices. tonight we remember journalists such as anthony shadeed and marie colvin - [applause] who made the ultimate sacrifice as they sought to shine a light on some of the most important stories of our time. whether you are a blogger or broadcaster or whether you take on powerful interests at home or put yourself in harm's way overseas, i have the greatest
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respect and admiration for what you do. i know sometimes you like to give me a hard time and i certainly like to return the favor. [laughter] i never forget that our country depends on you. you help protect our freedom, our democracy, and our way of life. and to set the record straight, i really do enjoy attending these dinners. in fact, i had more material prepared but i have to get the secret service home in time for their new curfew. [laughter] [applause] thank you very much, everybody. thank you. [applause]
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>> this is something we do on my show every week. we pitched in to help keep our fcc clean by bleeping. enjoy this week and unnecessary censorship. >> good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to bleep. >> both parties must come up with a fair compromise that will pass both houses of congress because. >> ipad with tom others --
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are you not getting enough? >> these are gigantic package is. >> i understand what pork barrel politics is all about. >> that was a great interview. >> she's not the only person that i have [bleep] the only thing is, she happens to be female. >> i promise you the president has a big [blepp] >> i am ready to go.
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i'm starting to feel kind of [bleep] [applause] >> and now, i would like to introduce a canadian who i think will be a particular hit with journalists in this room. jimmy kimmel is known for his work ethic and his tenacity. for those of us familiar with the ups and downs of the media business, what is not to like about a guy who has been fired from four radio stations? [laughter] ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce jimmy kimmel, host of "jimmy kimmel live." [applause]
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>> thank you and good evening ladies and gentlemen, mr. president. salaam. it is wonderful to be here. they told me it would be a high- profile event with some of the most powerful people in the world. they did not tell me i would be looking directly at sophia vergara's cleavage. [laughter] this is what women look like in colombia. what do you expect the secret service to do? [laughter] i know you will not be able to laugh at any of my jokes about the secret service. cover your ears if that is physically possible. [laughter] i do have a lot of jokes about the secret service. i told them for $300 i would not tell them but they only offered 30. [laughter]
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congress is taking this seriously. daivd vitter is taking this seriously, personally. [applause] been cracking down, but if this happened on president clinton's watch, you can damn well bet they would have been disciplined with a very serious high five. [laughter] a quick announcement, if anybody has tickets to the gsa after party, the plane is leaving for the four seasons in dubai at midnight on the dot. [laughter] don't be late or you will miss out on your complimentary white tiger cubs. i want to thank the washington hilton for hosting us today. president obama wanted to move the dinner to the kennedy center but the republicans wanted to keep at the hilton. so they compromised and here we are at the hilton. [laughter] [applause]
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i am staying at the hotel. i will be honest, it is not great. i had to change rooms last night because there was a leak in the room above me. peter orszag left his mouth on. [laughter] he told me you guys would likehe told me a lot of stuff. if you told me when i was a kid i would be sitting on the same stage with president barack obama -- i would have said, the [laughter] mr. president, remember when the country rallied around you in hopes of a better tomorrow? that was hilarious. [laughter] [applause] that was the best one yet. but honestly, it is a thrill for me to be here with the president, a man who has done his best to guide us through some difficult times and paid a heavy price for it. there is a term for guys like president obama.
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probably not two terms, but -- [laughter] even some of your fellow democrats think you are a pushover. they would like to see you stick to your guns. if you do not have any guns they would like to ask eric holder to get some for you. [laughter] jake tapper wrote that. it is hard to be funny with the president of the united states looking at you. and yet day in and day out joe biden manages to do it. [laughter] [applause] i wish he were here so he could sit behind me and fake clap like he does during the state of the union address. [laughter] are you enjoying this? is this fun for you? had in months. they say disk -- diplomacy is a matter of carrots and sticks and
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since mrs. obama got to the white house, so is dinner. you are very skinny. i felt weird about eating dessert. i never have left untouched before. the reason people say you are from kenya has nothing to do with your birth certificate. [laughter] you lost so much weight we thought you were the guy who won the boston marathon. [laughter] this is how you know the country is in bad shape. the president is starving. [laughter] north korea is sending him food aid. [laughter] i had the opportunity to sit next to the first lady. she's very, very nice. no matter what side of the fence you are on you have to admit she has done a lot of good work. she just wants us to be healthy. mrs. obama, i thank you for that. [applause] look, it is chris christie, get him. [laughter] you know, they say that inside every american governor is a president struggling to get out. in chris christie's case it is
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the only when you can still hear him screaming. [laughter] you might be misunderstanding new jersey's slogan. it is not the olive garden [laughter] the truth is, the first lady is right. americans are in terrible shape. you can tell how out of shape we are by the way we protest. we used to march. now we occupy. [laughter] i want to say a quick congratulations to them. it took months of hackie sack but finally wall street is not greedy anymore. congratulations. [laughter] white house press secretary jay carney is with us today. you also know him as the white guy from every lens crafters commercial. [laughter] one of his jobs is to keep track of all the hillary rosens.
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[laughter] for those of you not familiar with this story, hillary rosen is a woman who said ann romney never worked a day in her life. the administration tried to distance from that comment. they said she is not an adviser even though we found out her name appeared on the visitor lot 35 times. when reporters asked why, this is where it's hilarious, he said he was not sure it was the same hillary rosen. he said, i personally know 3 hillary rosens. [laughter] where did they all come from? the pick them in the hillary rosen guarding? i would bet you $10,000 he did not know three, but i am not running for president. [laughter] that sounds like president
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clinton's worst nightmare. [laughter] is that slut rush limbaugh here? people are still upset with rush limbaugh because of comments he made about sandra. there is a reason he said what he said, and that reason is percocet. just to clear things up for the extreme right wingers. here is the difference between bill maher and rush limbaugh. the people who watch bill know he is an asshole. [applause] this is my first time here. every news organization has its own table. we have numerous members of the print media in attendance. sacripps is here. it reminds me of a riddle. what is black and white and read all over? nothing anymore. [laughter] really.
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the christie jokes are ok but no? where is the cnn table? are those real tables or virtual tables? every election cnn comes up with new and amazing technology. they still have not figured out a way to make james carville look less like a hairless boiled cat. [laughter] chris matthews wrote a biography of jfk. it is 400 pages long. poor rick santorum was throwing up all night. [laughter] bill o'reilly wrote a book about killing lincoln. i think john wilkes booth was innocent. i believe abraham lincoln had a vision about what the republican party would become in 50 years and he shot himself.
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[laughter] [applause] is the fox table laughing? some people think rupert murdoch was intentionally trying to appear to be confused when he testified in front of the british government. the man is 81-years old. i think you have to figure out how to use a cell phone before you can hack into one. he paid $500 million for myspace. clearly he knows nothing about technology. they are the old grumpy man of cable. loud, stubborn, a little out of touch with reality,is the fox mole here by the way? just had a mole removed. of like to salute the fox small. were it not for his brave sacrifice the world may have never known that the bathrooms at fox were overdue for renovation. leaking two videos and getting caught right away does not make
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you a mole. it makes you a freckle. as a result, msnbc has moved a bit to the left of hugo chavez lately. [laughter] msnbc has a big star in rachel maddow. somehow she still finds time to cut her own hair. [laughter] the rachel was a different hairstyle when jennifer anniston had it. [laughter] she also wrote a book and argues that unchecked expansion of executive powers has resulted in a country that is perpetually at war. women-nag, nag, nag. there are a lot of big celebrities here with us tonight. he is the dog from the movie "the artist." he can roll over on command. he is a democrat.
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[laughter] if mitt romney ever invites you to go for a ride, call shotgun. [laughter] if the president tries to butter you, run. last week we learned his favorite two steaks are rib-eye and seeing eyes. you know you can leave some things out of a biography. when you go to a dog park, is it the same when we look at a tank full of lobsters? [laughter] the president was very candid a couple of weeks ago when he called kanye west a jack guess. no offense, i think you got the wrong west -- i think you meant alan. george clooney is here tonight. tomorrow he wants to appear before alan west. george is hosting a fund raiser event for the obama campaign. for $3 you can enter a raffle and the winner gets to have
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dinner with the president at george clooney's house. i have always dreamed of eating a hot pocket with the president and batman and now i can do it for $3. [laughter] if you do not win the raffle you can still win dinner with george himself if you are 6 ft. 1 with a perfect body. [laughter] sully sullenberger, where is he? would you do us a favor? would you mind driving lyndsay lohan home? [laughter] make sure you do not run into a goose. especially a grey goose. [laughter] george stephanopoulos is here. good morning america just beat the today show for the first time in 15 years. george is riding -- high is not a good word but let's say he is pleased. 16 years ago there was no facebook or google. a tweet was something barbara
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walters gave her dog. [laughter] this is really incredible. what a collection of people here. in one room we have members of the media, politicians, advertisers, lobbyists, and celebrities. everything wrong with america is here in this room tonight. [laughter] [applause] unfortunately, the speaker of the house john boehner is not. apparently yours are not the only invitations he declines. afraid someone will ask him to pass the salt and he won't have the votes. eric cantor cannot be here he is at the gym working out his gavel arm. this feud fascinates me. it started during the debt ceiling negotiations when they could not agree on the wording of the ransom note. it went down from there. interesting thing fact about speaker boehner, the reason he smokes so many cigarettes is his tears keep putting them out.
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[laughter] nancy pelosi is not here but her lipstick is. it is on my glass from last year. she believes in lipstick the same way as government. too much is never enough. jake tapper also wrote that one. i have to say i have been having a lot of fun and washington. it is a great city with history and monuments. i was at the lincoln memorial last night. i was standing there saying, back in the 1960's on the spot, forest gump reunited with jenny. [laughter] the people are interesting, too. it is fun to have conversations with people so passionate about politics. i spoke with a guy who was a big supporter of obamacare and a guy who said it is a disaster. it was interesting because i had never met mitt romney before. [laughter] mitt romney is the inevitable republican candidate for president. they picked him out of a lands'
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end catalog. that is how he was discovered. some people say he will not be elected president because he is mormon. that is ignorant. we elected an african-american president. we would absolutely elect a mormon president, just not mitt romney. [laughter] stevie wonder just said we elected an african-american president? speaking of we have elected an african-american president. we heard him compare the campaign to an etch a sketch. i think twister. when i think of mitt romney. 1 foot on red, 1 foot on blue, and both hands on green. he has trouble connecting with regular people. you cannot have a beer with them because he does not drink, you do not have coffee with them because he does i have caffeine, you do not play monopoly with them because he keeps trying to put the dog on the car. if you are a republican there is not much choice. rick santorum is out. it was just not his year. his year is 1954.
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[laughter] it is one thing to oppose gay marriage. it is another thing altogether to do it in a sweater vest. [applause] andin the end, rick santorum may not have won the nomination but he succeeded in getting his message out not to americans but to people -- ron paul is still in there sticking with it. to me he looks like the guy that gets unhooded at the end of every scooby doo episode. [laughter] it is good to see newt gingrich here tonight. i guess that means the check cleared. [laughter] how can you be against gay marriage would you have two gay parents? the michelin man and the state puft marshmallow man. [laughter]
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i do not understand anybody against gay marriage. are all marriages not gay? essentially what you are saying is i will never touch another woman as long as i live. now let's put jewelry on each other and dance. [laughter] not that it's any of my business, but why are you waiting until tuesday to will drop out? it's time to mitt or get off the pot. the election process has changed a lot over the years. the president gave in and agreed to a super pac that initially joe biden was excited about until he found out it is not one of the big boxes with all the different kinds of chips. [laughter] let's get rid of super committees. super committees are to committees what super cuts are to cuts. it's time for the fun part of the evening.
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i would like everyone to look under your seats. under each one you will have a copy of keith olbermann's resume. [laughter] is he here tonight? the limo would not pick him up? the thing about keith is, he is so likable. [laughter] al gore launched current tv in 2005 and it took off like a north korean rocket. [laughter] i did not even know it was still on the air, but i do not get channel 1 million. [laughter] he burns more bridges that the arsonist of madison county. he has more pink slips then marcus -- bachmann. too soon? if you are not familiar with him, he plays cameron on "modern family." stand up. i do have one question for you, what is the marijuana crackdown?
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what is the concern? we will deeply the nation's funyun supply? sometimes pot smokers vote, sometimes one week after the election. [laughter] i would like everyone to raise your hand if you have never smoked pot. [laughter] look at britt hume. he is high right now. i hope you do not think i am out of line but marijuana is something real people care about. the fact you believe speaker boehner when he says he has control of his own party leads me to believe you must be smoking weed yourself. [laughter] woody harrelson just woke up. [laughter] as you know, last year president obama had his team on the way to kill osama bin laden. who will it be this year? [laughter] if you are looking for the biggest threat to america, she
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is right there. her name is kim kardashian. [laughter] she was captured by greta van susteren and brought right to your front door. this is not a good trend. right now navy seal team 6 is outside of the compound of beverly hills disguised as the denver nuggets so they can sneak in undetected. [laughter] [laughter] [applause] i have a question. who are these people who think it would be a good idea to attack iran? i hear people saying bomb them, knew them. they are a big bunch of yahoos. there is only one way to have peace between the israelis and the arabs. they should focus on what they have in common. that is a mutual love of falafel and terrible dance music. [laughter] i do not understand the anger
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directed at the president. he is funny, athletic, a beautiful singing voice, devoted to his family. he still finds time to go to his kids soccer games and move the goalposts. [laughter] i think that is commendable. he wants everyone in america to have health care whether we want it or not. [laughter] you are not from kenya. it is even worse. you are from canada. [laughter] this health care reform thing has a lot of people angry. there seems to be anger in general. if i can get serious for a moment. i believe if we truly want to overcome the problems we face we have to do it together. we cannot forget this is a great country. is a land of liberty and justice for all. it does not matter if you are black like president obama or white like president obama or red like president obama's agenda, or orange light speaker boehner, america will always be a place where a man is judged
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not by the color of his skin but by the number of his twitter followers. [laughter] it has been an honor for me to be here before so many members of the washington and national media. you are here because as journalists you care about freedom, free speech, a free press, and most importantly free dinner. [laughter] some people say journalism is in decline. you have become too politicized, too focused on sensationalism. you no longer honor your duty to inform america but actively try to divide us so your corporate overloads can profit off of us. i do not have a joke for this. i am letting you know what some people say. [laughter] [applause] in conclusion it has been an honor for me to be here tonight. i would like to think jay for writing all the jokes you did not like. i would also like to thank my 10th grade history teacher who said i would never amount to anything he said if i kept
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screwing around in class. i am about to high five the president of the united states. [applause] thank you, everybody. [captioning performed by national captioning institute] [captions copyright national cable satellite corp. 2012] >> next, your calls and comments on "washington journal." and then and newsmakers and a chance to see president obama and jimmy kimmel at the white house correspondents' dinner. >> he is also the only one to ever escaped from camp 14. >> is first memory at the age of around four is going with his mom to a place near where he grew up in the camp to watch somebody get shot.
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public executions and the camp were held every few weeks. they were a way of punishing people who violated campus rules and terrorizing the 20- 40,000 people lived in the camp to obey the rules. from then on. " at 8:00. ,on "q &a may 6, look for our interview with robertcaro which coincides with the release of "passage of. power" his biography of lyndon johnson. >> this morning, retired colonel frederick layton talks about cyber security and then the heritage foundation

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