>> this event winding down our my coverage here on c-span. we will take you back to the beginning of the remarks from president obama and conan o'brien and just a moment. also remind you later on in our schedule here on the c-span networks, you can see the events in its entirety. the president from tonight's 99th annual white house correspondents dinner hosted at the washington hilton hotel. [applause]

>> thank you. thank you. how do you like my new entrance music? [cheers and applause] rush limbaugh warned you about this. second term, baby. [laughter] we are changing things around here a little bit. actually my advisors were a little worried about the new entrance music. they are little bit more traditional. they suggested i should start with some notes at my own expense just to take myself down a peg. i was like, after four and a half years, how many pegs are there left? [laughter] i want to thank the white house correspondents. ed, you are doing an astounding job. [applause] we are grateful to the work you have done.

for all of the dignitaries who are here and everyone, thank you for the outstanding service and all the men and women who are in uniform every single day. and of course, our extraordinary first lady, michelle obama. [applause] everybody loves michelle. she is on the cover of vogue. high poll numbers. don't worry. i got my own magazine cover. [laughter]

i get it. i look in the mirror and i have to admit i'm not the strapping young muslim socialist i used to be. [laughter] [applause] time passes. you get a little gray. and yet, even after all this time, i still make rookie mistakes. i'm in california at a fundraiser and having a nice time. i happen to mention that a woman is the best looking attorney in the country. as you can imagine, i got trouble when i got back home. [laughter] who knew eric holder was so sensitive? [laughter] then there is the easter egg roll. looks like a nice, fun event with the kids. i go to the basketball courts. i took money to shots -- 22 shots. made 2.

2 hits. 20 minutes. the executives at nbc asked, what is your secret? [laughter] so, yes, maybe i have lost a step, but some things are beyond my control. this whole controversy about i've got 99 to cuba. problems and now jay-z is one. that is another rap reference.

[laughter] of course, everyone has got plenty of advice. maureen said i could solve all of my problems if i was just like michael douglas in the american president. michael, what is your secret? could it be that you were an actor in an aaron sorkin liberal fantasy? [laughter] might that have something to do it? i do not know. check in with me. maybe it is something else. anyway, i recognize that this job can take a toll on you. i understand second term you need a burst of new energy. try some new things. we are willing to try anything. we borrowed one of michele's tips. [laughter]

i thought this looked pretty good, but no bounce. anyway, i want to give a shout out to conan o'brien. [applause] i was talking to ed. i understand when they are considering own and o'brien for the gig, there was the age-old dilemma to offer it to him now or wait five years until they give it to jimmy fallon. [crowd oohs] that was a little harsh. i love conan.

of course, cnn has taken some knocks lately. -- topre their commitment. cover the story, just in case one of them happens to be accurate. my former advisers that have switched over to the dark side, david axelrode.-- now works for msnbc. which is a nice change since msnbc used to work for david

axelrod. the history channel is not here. i guess they are embarrassed about the whole obama is the devil thing. that never kept fox news from showing up. they thought the comparison was not fair to satan. [laughter] the media landscape is changing rapidly. you cannot keep up with it. i remember when buzz feed was something i did around 2 a.m. it is true. [laughter] recently i found a new favorite source for political news.

these guys are great. everyone should check it out. it is called whitehouse.gov. i cannot get enough of it. the fact is, i really do respect the press. i recognize that the press and i have different jobs to do. my job is to be president. your job is to keep me humble. frankly i think i'm doing my job better. [laughter] part of the problem is that everyone is so cynical.

we are constantly feeding cynicism and conspiracies. remember a few months ago prime ster shouldn't put out a photograph of me going -- shooting at camp david? a number of people insisted this has been photoshop. tonight have something to confess -- you are right. can we show them the actual photo? [laughter] we were trying to tone it down a little bit. that was an awesome day. [laughter] there are other new players in the media landscape as well like super pacs. did you know that sheldon spent $100 million of his own money last year on negative ads? he must really dislike me. to spend that kind of money. that is oprah money. you could buy an island and call it nobama for that kind of money.

sheldon would have been better off offering me one hundred million dollars to drop out of the race. [laughter] [applause] i probably would not have taken it, but i thought about it. [laughter] michelle would have taken it. [laughter] you think i'm joking. [laughter] i know republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012. what they all agree upon is reaching out. call me self centered, but i --uld think of when minority

one minority they could start with. [laughter] hello. [applause] think of me as a trial run. see how it goes. think of me as a trial run. see how it goes. [laughter] if they won't come to me, i will come to them for stop -- come to them. i recently had a dinner with a number of republican senators. i will admit it was not easy. a proposed -- i proposed a toast. of course, some folks still don't think i spend enough time with congress. why don't you get a treat -- drink with mitch mcconnell, they asked? really?

why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell? [laughter] i'm sorry. i get frustrated sometimes. [laughter] i'm not giving up. in fact, i'm taking my charm offensive on the road. second barbecue with ted cruz. kentucky bluegrass concert with rand paul. and a book burning with michele bachmann. [mix of laughs and oohs] my charm offensive has let me learn some interesting things going on in congress. it turns out absolutely nothing.

but the point of my charm offensive is simple. we need to make progress on some important issues. republicans fell in love with the sequester and now they cannot stop talking about how much they hate it, like we are trapped in a taylor swift album. [laughter] one senator who had reached across the aisle recently is marco rubio. i don't know about 2016. he has not finished a single term in the senate and he think he is ready to be president. kids these days. on thursday, i went to the opening of the bush presidential

library in dallas. wonderful event. that got me inspired to get started on my own legacy. it will begin by building another edifice right next to the bush library. can we show that? [laughter] i'm also hard at work on plans for the obama library. some have suggested we put it in my birthplace, but i would rather keep it in the united states. [laughter] [applause] did anyone not see that joe coming? -- joke coming? [laughter] only gallup? dick morris? [laughter]

speaking of presidents and their legacies, i want to acknowledge a wonderful run, and steven spielberg and daniel day-lewis who are here tonight. we had a screening of their most recent film "lincoln." extraordinary film. i'm nervous about stephen's next project. i saw a behind-the-scenes look on hbo. let's check it out. roll the tape. >> i was thrilled that lincoln was a success. i was thinking about what to do next. in the middle of the night i woke up and it hit me. obama. why wait? picking the right actor to play obama, that was a challenge. we never got his transcripts. they say he is kind of aloof. i need someone to become barack

obama. it turns out the answer was right in front of me all along. daniel day-lewis. [laughter] >> was it hard playing obama? it took a while. hello, ohio. i love you back. let me be clear about that. [laughter] >> once we had daniel to play thea -- we had to cast rest of the team. >> working with a legend like daniel was intimidating, but

without him, i think joe biden. literally, i am joe biden. >> the hardest part? trying to understand his motivations. what makes him tick? why isn't he mad? if i were him, i would be mad all the time. but i am not. i am daniel day-lewis. [laughter] [applause] >> it is a remarkable transformation. do i really sound like that, by the way? -- and marx once said senator cruz, that is groucho marx, not all -- the other guy.

told anmarx once audience, before we speak, i have something important to say. along those same lines, i want to close on a more serious note. there has been no shortage of news to cover over the past few these have been hard days for too many of our citizens. even as we gather here tonight, our thoughts are not far from the people of boston and the people of west, texas and the families in the midwest coping with some terrible floods. we have had some difficult days. but even when the days seemed darkest, we have seen humanity shine at its brightest. we have seen first responders and national guardsmen who dashed into danger. law-enforcement officers who lived their oath, to serve and

protect. and everyday americans opening their homes and their hearts to perfect strangers. we also saw journalist that their best. especially those that took their time to wade upstream through the torrent of digital rumors to just family didn't verify fact verify leads and fact. if anyone wonders whether newspapers are a thing of the past, all you need to do is pick up or log on to papers like "the boston globe." [applause] when their communities and the wider world needed them most, they were there. making sense of the events that might, at first blush, seem beyond our comprehension.

ths [applause] in these past few weeks, i got a chance to meet many of the volunteers and police officers who raced to help when hardship hit. i was reminded, as i always am when i meet our men and women in uniform, whether they are abroad or here back home, or walter reed, they don't do it to be honored. they don't do it to be celebrated. they do it because they love their families and they love their neighborhoods and they love their country.ire l of us m to live up to those same standards. to be worthy of their trust. to do our jobs with the same fidelity and the same integrity

and the same sense of purpose and the same love of country. if we are only focused on profits or ratings or polls, then we are contributing to the cynicism that so many people feel right now. [applause] and so those of us in this room tonight, we are incredibly lucky. the fact is, we can do better. all of us. those of us in public office, those of us in the press, those who produce entertainment for our kids, those with power, those with influence, all of us, including myself, we can strive to value those things that i suspect led most of us to do the work that we do in the first place. because we believed in something

that was true. we believed in service. in the idea that we can have a lasting, positive impact on the lives of the people around us. that is our obligation. that is a task we should gladly embrace on behalf of all of those folks who are counting on us. on behalf of this country that has given us so much. thank you all for the great work you do. god bless you all, may god bless the united states of america. [applause] >> thank you, mr. president. without further ado, mr. conan o'brien.

[applause] >> thank you. thank you. please remain seated. that is not necessary. [applause] [laughter] thank you, don't stand, that wouldn't be right. good evening, thank you, mr. president, mrs. obama, distinguished members of the press and bon jovi. [laughter] yes, it is an honor to share the stage with the president. when you think about it, he and i are a lot alike. we both went to harvard, we both have two children and we both told joe biden we did not have extra tickets for tonight event. [laughter] we also have something else in common, i too recently got in trouble for talking about a public official's good looks. it was when i would not shut up about that stone cold fox, secretary of transportation ray lahood. oh, man. i like the cut of his jib. [laughter]

president obama, you had some great jokes. it was a pleasure watching you stand here and do what i do. now it is only fair that i get to do what you do. that is right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes i will be mired in a dysfunctional standoff with congress. this is going to be fun. [laughter] i would like to formally congratulate the president on his reelection. congratulations. [applause] as you all know, he is hard at creating jobs. since he was first selected, the number of popes has doubled. [laughter] and the number of tonight show hosts has tripled. congratulations. [laughter] while i'm at it, i would like to congratulate president george w. bush on big dedication of his presidential library. yes, the library has millions of books, articles, and documents and if you go, you can be the first to read them. [laughter]

you can't hurt me. ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. right here at the start i am going to share something with you people and it does not leave this room. i say this with absolute confidence, because we are on c- span. [laughter] who doesn't love c-span, seriously? c-span. an entire channel shot the backup camera on a ford explorer. congratulations to c-span for winning the bid to broadcast this event. hgtv2, tvc south america and the hilton hotel how to check out channel. [laughter] that is right, the hilton. it is great to be here at the hilton. is it just me or is it time to stop using priceline to book this event? i love the hilton. i love their motto, sorry the

radisson was booked. i was worried that because of the sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a less prestigious hotel then the dc hilton. then i was told that was not possible. [laughter] i do want to thank the hilton for accommodating us. they were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar. [laughter] by the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar, that has been moved to salon b on the mezzanine. and if joe biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that, either. quick announcement, before we really get going, before we continue, if any of you are live tweeting this event, please use the #incapableoflivinginthemoment. [laughter] yeah. yeah. yeah. also, to any u.s. senators here tonight, if you would like to

switch your dessert or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. [laughter] speaking of dinner, tonight entr?es or how about and filet mignon -- halibut, and filet mignon. or as cnn reported, lasagna and couscous. [laughter] there is a gavel here, and i don't know why. [gavel pounds] here is a fun fact about tonight's food, everything you atewas personally shocked by wayne lapierre. don't worry it was during a home invasion. the fish came in through the window. it wasn't peppercorn, it was buckshot. incidentally, you may not know this, but wayne lapierre is merely the executive vice president of the nra. which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be

to be the actual president of the nra? [laughter] [applause] he is not even at the top. [laughter] i would like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with the seating chart. for a moment, someone accidentally sat governor chris christie with the republicans. that was awkward, and i apologize. very awkward. speaking of tables, before dinner, i had a chance to mingle, you probably saw me. i worked the crowd, shook some hands and sold my twitter account to al jazeera for $500 million. they will buy anything. it is an absolute joy to be her at the white house correspondents dinner. last year, tom brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and a-list celebrities. when i told him i would be attending this year, he said, that is more like it. [laughter]

that should not be funny to you. but this is really a star- studded event. this year, you have taken it to new heights. i have to congratulate you. you have some of the guy from duck dynasty. which can only mean one thing, the guys from storage wars said no. i love duck dynasty, don't get me wrong. i really don't think the whistle whistle -- oh, my god, it works. he is here. i always hated that one. as some of you know, this is my second time speaking at this event. i was 18 years ago in 1995, a lot has changed since then. today you can get real-time information on world events from something small enough to fit in

the palm of your hand. back in 1995, we called that george stephanopoulos. [laughter] i can't see if george is here because there is a crouton in the way. [laughter] it is amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. think about it. if in 1995 he told me that in 2013, we would have an african- american president with a middle name hussein, who was just reelected to a second term in a sluggish economy, i would have said, oh, you must have run against mitt romney. [laughter] by the way, no offense, i do congratulate you on your victory, but as a late-night comedian, i was kind of pulling for the rich guy who's or stansted the olympics. -- whose horse danced in the olympics. [laughter] the demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades. i look forward to hosting this

event 18 years from now. then, my opening line will be, [speaking spanish] si. especialmente, presidente mario [laughter] my prior experience has taught me how these dinners work. if the president laughs, everyone laughs. if the fox news table laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike. [laughter] how are you doing, bill? i'll be washington news mediator tonight, including the stars of online journalism. i see the huffington post has a table. which has me wondering, if you are here, who is covering miley cyrus's latest nip slip? who is assembling today's top 25

yogurt related tweets? seven mistakes you are making with bacon. that is a real one, and you should be ashamed of yourselves. just before dinner, i tried to say hello to every on huffington, but she made me watch a 32nd ad first. -- 30-second ad first. [laughter] a lot of online stars in the room, but unfortunately not matt couldn't make it.-- drudge could not make it. he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997. the washington print media is also joining us this evening. the print media are here for two very good reasons. food and shelter. [laughter] you know, some people say print media is dying, but i don't believe it. neither does my blacksmith. [laughter]

you have got to meet zachariah, he is great. newsweek, which after 80 years published its last print issue. time magazine might be gloating, but they really shouldn't, because time will outlive newsweek a way juliett outlived romeo. read the play, it is very smart. [laughter] things are so tough for media, reuters is having its after party right here at the hilton. because nothing says we are having a great here like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner. [laughter] with that in mind, reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of the glass. [laughter] to be fair, print media still has a big star in bob woodward.

got to give it up for bob woodward. [applause] earlier this evening, a waiter asked him if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, stop threatening me! some big names in television news. when it comes to television news, we have a divided landscape. fox news is watched by conservatives, msnbc watched by liberals and cnn is watched by people who clean the offices at cnn. [laughter] [oohs] oh, it gets worst. cnn's ratings are so low, when it comes up, james earl jones says, you are watching cnn? what the hell? i have to say, in the past two years, cnn has made some odd moves. it replaced the -- popular larry king with one of the footman piercedownton abbey."

slides right into that show. it is good to see my old friends at msnbc. chris matthews is here. chris matthews has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens. [laughter] during the boston coverage on msnbc last week, chuck todd stopped a pundit from speculating on on fire side -- unverified information. there is no joke here. i'm just letting the people at cnn know that you can do that. [laughter] this is a learning experience. fox news star bill o'reilly, he has become quite the author. two recent bestsellers, " killing kennedy" and "killing he also wrote another book that is not as popular, "the natural peaceful death of taft

bill o'reilly is now working on his next book, due out this fall, this time about the killing of jesus. it will be the first time in history that his death is blamed on obamacare. [laughter] two quick shout outs to pbs and npr. pbs -- yes! [applause] those people love to party. be safe, wear a tote bag. it works. you have got to love npr. still the number one source for news delivered as if there is a toddler sleeping in the next room. [laughter] shh! nbc news is in the house. they have had a rough go of it. the today show let go of inquiry. after being told that an curry said, how broker tells the world that he crafted answer the white house and i am getting an curry said, let me's

get this straight, al rocher crapped his pants at the white house and i am getting fired? al is the reason there are no more chores of the white house, they're still hosing down. [crowd oohs] brian williams is here. i am a big fan of your show. if you haven't seen it, imagine brand delivering the evening news on a different floor of the building, a little later, with a slightly different type. it is a mind blower. check it out. as i look all around the room, i realize this is one big high school cafeteria. that is all it is. think about it. fox is the jocks. msnbc is the nerds. loggers are the costs -- bloggers are the goths. npr is the table for kids with peanut allergies. [laughter] al jazeera is the weird foreign- exchange student nobody talks to.

and media, you are the poor kid who died sophomore year in a car crash. [laughter] cheer up, we dedicate the yearbook to you. of course, the biggest or that people covered this past year was the republicans failure to repack -- recapture the white house. hardly fit in fair -- hard to believe they did not fare better with the support of celebrities like ted nugent and meet house. -- meatloaf. they underestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans. [laughter] the republican party's on the mend. one rising star on the right is senator marco rubio. or as he is known in the republican party, our black guy. [laughter] as of today come in the u.s. senate has a number of african- american senators. two. two.

in other words, there are now more african-americans in the senate and in a mumford and sons concert. thank you, younger people. paul ryan -- i don't understand! what's he babbling about? [laughter] who is this man? paul ryan recently -- he really burst through when he ran for vice president. after the election, he said president obama was reelected because of the high turnout of urban voters. when he was asked how he liked his coffee he said, no milk, no sugar, just urban. [laughter] there is rnc chairman reince you heard me correctly,

that is his name. tonight he is sitting between his brothers lather and repeat. [laughter] house majority leader eric cantor is here. or as i like to refer to him, yet another jewish republican from the south. also joining us, a condiment from new york named steve israel. he is from new york and his name is israel. there is pandering, and then there is pandering. that is like having a congressman from south carolina named jesus h. gun. [laughter] i mentioned chris christie earlier, governor christie and shaquille o'neal are sitting at the same dinner table.

let's give it up for the real unsung hero tonight, their waiter. [laughter] that poor bastard. going to lose an arm will. -- an arm. and we have one or two supreme court justices. they seem divided over same-sex marriage. the liberal justices favorite while the conservatives oppose any life long union between two men, unless it is antonin scalia and clarence thomas. what the hell was that? speaker john boehner is not here tonight. speaker boehner and president obama are still struggling to get along. president obama and john boehner, kind of like a blind date between anderson cooper and rachel maddow. in theory, they understand each other's position, but deep down, you know nothing is ever going to happen.

[laughter] [applause] [gavel pounds] speaking of nothing happening, we are all hoping for nothing to happen with north korea. that got me wondering, what is with kim jong-un? in the past, we have had really scary enemies like saddam hussain and hitler. now, suddenly our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses like rosie o'donnell at the emmys. kim jong-un does not understand that we aren't afraid of him. what that guy doesn't get is that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down america. it is called florida. [laughter] [applause] yes it is. yes, president obama has a lot on his plate right now.

he is at the very nice stage where there are no more secrets left to come out about him. we all know that he lived in indonesia as a child, studied at a muslim seminary and occasionally a dog. -- ate dog. from the beginning, a kid who had his eyes set on the u.s. presidency. [laughter] check, check, and check. here i come. i know the relationship between the president and the press can seem a bit strained at times. some in this room have accused him of being distant and aloof. when i asked the president about it earlier, he said, oh, and then walked away. [laughter] it is only natural, but mr. president, your election was less exciting than the first time around in 2008. an election night, you celebrated with hundreds of thousands of people in chicago's grant park.

it was fascinating. this time around, you split the this time around, you split the hot dog with david axelrod. it did not have the same buzz. it has been several months since you were reelected, so i am curious, why are you still sending everyone five e-mails a day asking for more money? you one. -- you won. do you have a gambling problem we don't know about? did you put it all on gonzaga? [laughter] you did, didn't you? he did. [gavel pounds] president obama has already made a lot of changes in his second term. you recently appointed john kerry and chuck hagel. smart moves. the only two people in the united to look even more tired than you. [laughter] a great strategy. mr. president, you will leave office a very young man. the presidency has taken hold -- taken it's toll. you are starting to look like a judge on "law and order."

just say, you are on thin ice, counselor. you could have that part right away. your hair is so white, it could be a member of your cabinet. [laughter] [crowd oohs] he can handle it. he recently picked the new treasury secretary, jack lew. if the president ever has to let him go, he can say, it is not lew, it's me. [laughter] the quote i hear the most about the president is that he is always the coolest guy in the room. that is what everyone says. he is the coolest guy in the room. here is my question. who else is in that room? it is not hard to be the cool one when the other guys in the room r biden, hagel, and carry. i would be cool to if i was in a

i would be cool to if i was in a room where steve chu shows tom vilsack how to do the harlem shake. i have made some jokes about the president this evening. i am looking forward to my audit. [laughter] it is coming. i know. i would like to take a moment here and change gears and say some into the president. regarding the events of the past two weeks. some of you may not know this. i grew up in boston. but parents still live there. my brother, luke, raised his family in watertown. i would like to take this opportunity to thank, you mr. president, for visiting that great city and helping people begin to heal with your inspiring words. you made a huge difference. [applause] it has been said recently that you don't mess with boston. as someone who grew up there, i would like to echo that sentiment. it is really pretty simple. if you're going to pick on a city, don't choose one where nine out of 10 people are related to a cop. don't do it.

it is stupid. that includes myself. i have one more thing to mention before i go. everyone is obsessed with washington these days. we saw how you went crazy for "house of cards" "homeland", hollywood can't get enough of your word -- world. i'm excited to announce that they are going to make a television miniseries about the power players here in washington. they just finished the casting, and i would like to announce who is going to play who. this is big. vice president joe biden is going to be played by bob barker. [laughter] former white house adviser david axelrod will be played by higgins from magnum pi. [laughter] this was also produced by steven spielberg, by the way.

representative paul ryan will be played by mr. bean. [laughter] senator chuck schumer will be played by grandpa munster. [laughter] senator harry reid will be played by the old man from the american gothic painting. [laughter] fox news ceo roger ailes will be played by -- [laughter] speaker boehner will be played by tan mom.[laughter] secretary of homeland security will be played by paul giamatti. [laughter]

former white house chief of staff and chicago mayor rahm emanuel will be played by stewie from "family guy."[laughter] secretary of state john kerry will be played by any easter island head. i cannot tell those two apart. [laughter] supreme court chief justice john roberts will be played by buzz light year.[laughter] senator mitch mcconnell will be played by dame edna.[laughter] cnn anchor wolf blitzer will be played by a furby. wayne lapierre will be played by

face melt guy from raiders of the lost ark. and white house press secretary jay carney will be played by ralphie from "a christmas story." ladies and gentlemen, this is a huge honor. thank you very much. [applause] >> great job, conan. that was awesome. we want to thank everyone for a really terrific night. especially my family and friends. everybody in the room tonight. thank you very much. it was a great night. [applause]

we ask that you stay seated, at least around your table until the president and his party depart or its they will be escorted out by the incoming president the white house correspondents association. [applause] >> tomorrow on "washington journal," armour fbi investigator will talk about the boston marathoboings in combating terrorism in the united states. then a roundtable discussion on news of the week.

from capitol hill, the white house, boston, and syria. our guest is our buzz feed santoro andmorris- seung kim. "washington journal" live at 7:00 eastern here on c-span. this week on "newsmakers," our guest is congressman adam smith, the top democrat on the house armed services community -- committee. he talks about chemical weapons use in syria, the boston marathon bombings, and intelligence sharing. watch sunday at 10:00 a.m. and 6 p.m. eastern here on c-span. i went in. i walked into the kiosk. report. am bob ney to the guard came up and said, i

knew one of your campaign managers in ohio. i said, ok. i got in there, the guard said, you have some hate mail. is waiting on you. they gave me the mail. you go through the most embarrassing part of the stripped-down. then i got into the intake, walked into prison, down into the courtyard, and the warden -- i will not use the language i use my book -- the warden told the man that was supposed to walk me around to get away from him. i sat there not knowing where to go, what close to get, here in these new close, like pajama pants. one other prisoner said, where is your ex court -- escort? i said a little guy in a suit yelled some foul language. he took me in the back of the laundry room. i walked in. a man is sitting there and he said, are you the congressman? i said i used to be.

he said, you are a republican, aren't you? i said, republicans put me in here. i had to use some humor. he said, i is the mayor of east cleveland welcome? more with former ohio congressman bob ney, sunday at ."00 on c-span " q&a haddaderday, tammy posted her kickoff of the washington correspondents dinner. this year, the brunch honored the miss america foundation and the work to cure epilepsy. this is about 20 minutes. >> hello, how are you? >> welcome to dc.

how realistic do you think homeland is? >> i think we take a lot of liberties, i'm sure. , they watcht "homeland." they are amazed at how accurate it is.

[crowd chatter] >> nice to meet you. it's a pleasure. ok. >> this is c-span. >> you've got both sides. >> everybody's watching c-span. >> and you say everybody is watching c-span, we're talking talking about, single figures? we are trying very hard to make sure the information we have today is accurate, is the best information we have learned -- we have. [crowd

>> you are with c-span? >> first of all, i want to tonk tammy for allowing us raise these issues at this event. i want to thank you year after year for allowing us to impose on you. i promise you when we cure epilepsy we will not bother you about this anymore. is such an important issue. 50,000 people a year die, 3 million people impacted by epilepsy. today, you're going to meet somebody -- you're going to meet someone who is another ,ace of this dreadful disorder

captain pat harran who was injured in iraq, had a head injury, and developed epilepsy as a result of that and has struggled with it since that time. this is a very common thing. we as a country are going to have to do with this as soldiers return, service people return .rom iraq and afghanistan after the vietnam war, soldiers with penetrating brain injuries, half of them developed epilepsy within a seven year period. head injuries are the signature injury of the wars in iraq and afghanistan. this is going to be a big problem moving forward. patty have valiantly dealt with it. we want to recognize them today. we are soin us --

pleased that he is -- is the majority leader of the house of representatives, eric cantor. let me just say, epilepsy, mr. leader -- [applause] epilepsy -- when you have a child as we did with the very serious problem, what you learn very quickly is that disease, disorders like this are nonpartisan. they affect democrats, independents, and republicans. that our common humanity is more important than whatever political differences we have. the leader has been speaking out of late about the need for more research to deal with some of these issues. we are appreciative of that. we are very appreciative to have you here today. [applause] david and susan, thank you very much for what you are doing for so many tens of thousands of people who suffer with epilepsy. i was talking to susan earlier -- i think you said to me, if

we can just educate one person about the impacts of this asease that we consider today success. i really just learned about the impact of serious brain injury for our veterans and the consequences of traumatic epilepsy. david, you are right. we can learn to set aside differences and focus on the kinds of things that humanity is about. it is not helping people, curing disease. i want to thank you very much for the commitment there. i also had the honor to me today captain harran and his wife patty. when i was talking to the captain, he said it really wasn't about him, that he went , as the and in 2007 platoon leader for bravo company, sustained a gunshot wound to the head that left him

with serious temporal lobe damage. because of that, he has some serious challenges, therapy, trying to do the very basic things of walking, writing, reading, talking. in a very courageous way, both cap -- the captain and his life are now courageously fighting for others with his condition. i am delighted to be here and delighted to present to captain harran the cured heroes epilepsy award. it is my honor, captain, to present this to you. [applause] >> can he hear me?

it is nice to come by and get to see this. it is kind of fun for me and my wife. , and it took 2007 me years to get better. was when iour months had my first seizure. i didn't know what it was. pt,ays, i continued to do ot -- my vision and my speech -- i was happy and getting better -- every once in a while, i would have a seizure. foruld have to move slowly month to get better. it doesn't matter if a seizure is going to happen or whatever -- i do not quit because it is going to happen -- i just know that they and see what happens and hopefully i will be fine. the one thing we are hoping for

is for more people -- sorry -- to talk about from the war -- a lot of people got messed up and they do not really know how to talk about it or talk with each other. so, i guess i'm not smart enough t. i will talk to whoever when i get home. i think it is good. [applause] >> i must say, it is hard to follow heroes that we just saw on stage. we are humbled to be here today. and q, everyone, for coming together. on any given day, washington, d.c. is a remarkable place, but i think we feel it is more remarkable today. we are looking around the room of really accomplished people from the west coast, east coast, from the middle of america, from both sides of the aisle, and for

us, it is really a beautiful day in washington, dc. i think a lot of us like to see even more of that. thank you for being here. rank you supporting such great causes. that wet want to add think it is a great opportunity for a week and like this to not just have great parties and meet interesting people, but to get people, republicans and democrats, talking to each other, working on things together. in the past year, we have been particularly pleased in washington there has been a spirit to support our nation and drive entrepreneurs. our nation was not just old i patriots, but also by entrepreneurs who built the economy and the american economy, the leading economy in the world. entrepreneurs are very important. a lot of people, valerie jarrett, eric cantor, gene sperling, who have been instrumental over the past year jumpstarting our businesses, now working on immigration to make sure we win the battle of talent. ,hank you, hillary and tammy

for hosting this and putting a spotlight on innovation and entrepreneurship and bipartisanship. thanks. [applause] we have a new cause this year that has become very exciting. how many of you know that ms. america foundation is actually the largest provider of scholarships to young women in the world? how many of you knew that? i do not know that. we are very excited to welcome the miss america foundation. america.agan, miss >> hello, i'm here to tell you a little bit about the miss america foundation. i will be brief. what you see before you is a product of what ms. america can do for a young woman. i began when i was 13 years old. what iam at 24 -- believe -- an intelligent, well spoken, well-rounded young

woman because of the things his organization encourages us to do. this year, i have the opportunity to speak on multiple subjects, but the one i'm most excited about is stem. this year, i got the opportunity to go to a conference in washington, dc. i had the opportunity to share with kids science, engineering, technology, and math with kids. i will go back to school this year with my $50,000 scholarship and continue my education. i think you all for your support. i look forward to meeting everyone. [applause] >> there is a president here. can everyone stand up? grab your iphones for the president of the united states. [applause] thank you. i come from i alternate universe as the leader of the free world to say congratulations and thankto the white house correspondents

for all of their extraordinary work. mr. president, we have another president here with us. forgive me for interrupting. we have with us at henry, the president of the white house correspondents association. klees. -- please. >> congratulations. >> thank you very much. i really appreciate that. first i want to apologize because my parents are here, and they have been stocking every celebrity. i'm just talking about the girls. king, everybody else -- i appreciate that they are here. it is appropriate to get an award because this weekend has sort of become like the olympics where it is one event after another, it goes on and on, and tammy gets the gold

today. she just reminded me of that, obviously. thank you everybody out there. i do want to thank mark. i want to make a serious point -- mark very quietly in between having the washington castle's championships, making billions of dollars, he found time very quietly to make a generous contribution to the white house correspondents association scholarship fund. thank you, mark. [applause] >> branch cohosts, we have an announcement. the branch cohosts have also made a contribution to the white house correspondents fund for colleges and we are all about miss america, colleges, and educating more journalists. do we need more journalists? i think so. >> let me wrap up by saying last year, tom brokaw made some comments.

we do not want to read his eyes tom. -- criticized him. i think it is great to have a brunch, great to have fun. i do think we need to remember that it is the white house correspondents association dinner. we should remember there will be some white house involved, some correspondents involved, and there are a lot of people media people here who have made dramatic contributions to our scholarship fund. cbs news is here, charlie rose is here, they were instrumental in left. doitico, fred ryan -- i not want to name everybody because i will forget somebody -- last year, we raised $30,000 for scholarships after last year's dinner. this year, we made that, plus another $150,000 in thank you very, very much. for needyholarship journalism students, a lot of them at howard university here in dc, who would not be able to

get into journalism without us. there is a lot of fun this weekend. you're also trying to inspire the next generation of journalists. thanks for doing it. thank you. >> now look at guests arriving at the washington hilton for this year's white house correspondents dinner.

>> how difficult is it intelligent in front of all these people? >> i have never been in front of this crowd, but i do not care about the crowd. i want to be funny. is it. -- that sis it.

>> who are you looking forward to seeing the most? >> obama, for me. >> enqueue so much. >> next, tonight's 99th annual washington correspondents dinner at the washington hilton hotel here in washington, dc. the dinner includes awards and scholarships to journalists, remarks from white house correspondents association president at henry, and remarks from michelle obama, the president, and comedian conan o'brien. >> i'm going to need everybody to be quiet. i've got some secret video that we shot. the process of what goes into this dinner. you guys out there fight so hard for tickets to this dinner, you fight so hard, push so hard for better table placement, but i was stunned at how intense it

got. i thought i had seen it all, until a certain congressman i see sitting up here tried to take over this dinner. , we cannot have you stockpiling all of these tickets, deciding where everybody gets to sit. i really need you to release >> some of these tables. > you know my motto. you scratch my back, i will not last rate yours. >> i have integrity. >> i've seen your work, ed. let's not kid ourselves. is the part where you lead -- leave. >> what on earth happened? you knew i was supposed to sit next to conan. >> it was for the greater good. >> please do not tell me it has anything to do with north korea, same-sex marriage, cabinet appointments. i'm not done. taxes, gun control, the middle east, the fiscal cliff, i plans, education, iraq. >> valerie, it is not going to

happen. >> if not me, then who? >> he's the one who got fired from the tonight show. >> then he moved over to tbs. >> is that a real network? >> no, but neither is nbc. >> couldn't we do better? >> i'm sorry, but conan is the best we can do. >> ok fine, as long as you don't put pelosi at our table. she keeps trying to friend me on facebook. >> we do not focus on the masses. we focus on an elite audience. that said, we would like kim kardashian at our table. >> i refuse to wear pants until the president gives us more access. >> do is i say, and politico gets a kardashian. mike, what is your home address? >> why do you ask? >> to send you the tickets, of course. >> summoned to the office. lives.dy knows where he we may all this text to the po

box. >> there's no no reason to be nervous. is valerie bad mouthing me to the press? is she out for revenge? >> ask again later. >> look frank, you want to talk about immigration, we can talk. we can talk about the budget. i will even talk to you about jay-z and beyoncé in cuba. there are two things i do not talk about. covert operations and valerie's magical powers. is a problem, you to play basketball every tuesday? >> nerf ball. >> we do not want the world to know that. >> i'm willing to break u2 up if you give us tickets to a ravens game. >> i am all out, frank. >> how about taylor swift at the verizon center? >> now you are hitting me where i live. thank you, gentlemen. you are the coolest whips in town. >> you have to introduce me to ted at the dinner.

i cannot get my netflix to work. the have three sources in west wing saying valerie is on the warpath. >> you might think that. i cannot comment. >> is it true you have been hoarding tickets? >> where did you get that? >> at henry. >> -- ed henry. >> you tweet it, and i will re- tweet it. >> ok. [clicking] >> done. i thought you wanted the immigration bill to pass. that stingy whore would not give me my ravens tickets. >> this is so much cooler than the correspondents dinner. for mayornot run again, mike. that would put anthony wiener in a pickle. and he will tweet that pickle. >> what do you suggest? >> president of the correspondents association. >> doesn't that only last a year? >> when that term limits ever stopped you/

you should know, and drinks big golds. >> -- ed drinks big gulps. >> frank, it is charlie rose. tommy this, why did you cancel? >> margaret thatcher died. >> how about next week? >> i marti booked on the "today show." >> if i play ball, will you get bloomberg off my back? ♪ >> only if you give me your absolute, unquestioning loyalty. >> that is a pretty big ask. >> 42 seconds during the dinner to say whatever i want. >> 645. -- take 45. oldome new faces, some faces, some new faces on old faces. i do sympathize, conan, and not

just for the backstabbing leno, but having to host. it must be so hard to write jokes about a town that already is one. democrats, republicans, the white house, congress -- you all came together to make this spoof. that is what real bipartisanship looks like. i'm a lie, cheat, and intimidate to get where i want, but at least i get the job done. i hope some of you are taking notes. have a wonderful evening. i will see all of you at the bloomberg vanity fair party. that is, those of you who got an invite. mr. president, welcome to nerd prom. ♪ [applause] >> a shout out to kevin spacey who threw me out of his office or bona. jay carney -- prop bono.

-- pro bono. good evening, mr. president, mrs. obama, general cody or no, my board members, distinguished guests, and the folks from msnbc too. welcome to the white house correspondents dinner. as you heard, the nerd prom, but unlike the real prom, most of you are able to find a date this time. the president rod mrs. obama. we thank her for being here again. i brought my own first lady, surely. my kids, my parents, my sister, who saw me at the prom, and has photographic evidence of my blue tux and mullet to prove it -- prove it. after last year's dinner, tom brokaw had some blunt words about this dinner. he said symbolically this is an event that sell -- separates the press from the people they are supposed to serve. a fair criticism. maybe this dinner became a little less a celebration of the first amendment in the 21st amendment. of course, it should not be like

that. the focus should not be on what the helton is serving but who we are serving tomorrow. should be serving the public and the next generation of journalists. that is something i've thought a lot about since becoming president. to be fair, i do not have a lot of time. few people know what it looks like to have this much power for about a year. other than conan. [laughter] talk aboutn't change. we took action starting when we decided to trade. that is helpful when we started to use the correspondents name. our dinner has to be about scholarships, not slag. -- swag. next year will be the 100th year. there is a lot of history. if you have any momento's out there, i wanted to contact steve toma, the wonderful vice president.

[applause] you can go to our website. there is a place to submit some of those memories. member, steve toma will be president next year. if you want tickets, start calling him already. over the last year, i've a lot of people say, what do you guys do? i will run through three priorities. the first is we stand up for access. mr. president, i have been agitating for more access to your white house and golf tapes. am an to let you know i equal opportunity educator. last summer, the romney campaign agreed to our request to start a press room, but they would not their fundraisers to the press. the president's fundraisers were largely open. we demanded the same of romney. we kept pushing. they said no. one day in september i got an e- mail -- he said, starting tomorrow, cameras will be allowed in all the governors fundraisers. i said, wow, i made an impact. i heardnutes later,

about the hidden camera in the romney fundraiser. [applause] 47%, she said, it is a game changer. i realized that is why the romney folks wanted to open their fundraisers. they wanted to look more transparent. the point to me is that elected officials want more access in both parties when more axis is in their interest. it is our duty to push for more access all the time, whether it is a democrat or republican in power, because it is in the public's interest. [applause] -- interest. [applause] it is also easier to get that information that way instead of having to bug senator mcconnell 's office. the second thing we do is we stand up for our members. earlier this year, several of our journalists became new moms. we had a hard time finding a place to pump breastmilk at the white house. the white house has bathrooms

that are pretty disgusting. this is not just a moral obligation. a legal obligation. the president's health care law -- might've heard of obamacare -- [applause] withndates that employers more than 50 workers provide a private space for mothers. there are more than 50 journalists and the white house press corps. the problem is, the white house is not our employer. we are not on their payroll. at least some of us are not. [laughter] our employers cannot you show up at the white house and go to private rooms. that means we had to find an existing workspace to take over. i became an activist, or rather, a lactavist -- [laughter]

thankfully, we found a private room shared by the christian broadcasting network and the canadian broadcasting company. they agreed to let us use it. [applause] as it turned out, we broke through a glass ceiling. only to find that this booth had a glass door. [laughter] you can see right in. this is the only time as president that i decided we needed the white house to be less transparent. we needed to put up a curtain. we cannot have done it without your press aide, jamie smith. she's about five days overdue with the baby. we are waiting. we are hoping to break the news tonight. if you are out there, e-mail us. i do not think she had a conflict of interest here. i'm not suggesting that. she worked really hard on this. so did somebody in the office of administration that a lot of people have not heard of, stephen pearson. i was getting impatient because this was taken a lot of time --

i asked stephen, and he said, i need a couple of days. i said, is it taken this long? we just need a curtain. he said, my wife is so in the curtain herself. thank you, melanie pearson, for selling the curtain which now hangs in the breast wing. -- sewing the curtain which now hangs in the breast wing. [laughter] i wanted to know we made history in another way. bill o'reilly, take note. this is the first time ever that someone at fox has helped to implement obamacare. that brings me to the third and final point. we stand up for the next generation of journalists. headlinedime conan this dinner, he gave out scholarships for needy journalism students. in recent years, my predecessors have done an amazing job. i have given out more than a

dozen scholarships. i cannot thank you enough, mrs. obama, for being here every year to help us give out those scholarships. she will do that again in a minute. i thought it would be better for me to talk before she does that so you knew what she was doing and how helpful it is to us. [applause] since lester's dinner, we set out to do even more more, and in part to the time of michael scheier who has run our scholarship committee. [applause] we held an event with discovery channel about watergate and how it changed the relationship between the white house and the press corps. it raised money for our scholarship fund. thursday this week, we held a town hall meeting on diversity howarda with bet at university, a discussion that was moderated by none other than juan williams. [applause]

for the first time, we are offering an internship program to match some of the scholarships you'll see in a the whiteh members of house correspondents association -- get him out of the classroom and into the workplace. we would not have been able to do that without michael clementi, our executive vice president of news at fox, our chairman roger ailes, who also has his apprenticeship program that does a lot of work in these areas, but also bill o'reilly, who yesterday, after being with walter reed meeting with wounded warriors, came over to us, no entourage, he and conan o'brien spent an hour talking to the students. that is all they did for an hour. they did not speak. they just talk to the students. -- talked to the students. [applause] the students were little freaked out, but it's cool. mike allen at politico, a big supporter of the scholarship. we appreciate all of you folks

out there. leaders of the other tv networks that can without hesitation. this one really got me -- i went cnn, andf zucker at he immediately -- i said, would you offer an internship to one of our scholars, and immediately with a chopping motion he said, done. that was the first time in a long time somebody was happy to hear zucker say, done. [laughter] there's a lot of generosity in this room tonight. -- atnoinet puentes bloomberg tv, all of them have been contributing to our scholarship fund. kevin spacey and everybody at "house of cards" contributed to our scholarship fund. [applause] everyne really got me -- year, we give the comedian at this dinner $10,000, which is pretty small change for a

hollywood star, a lot of money for these students -- for the first time ever come of the comedian has refused to cash the check. instead, mr. o'brien handed it back to me, your marked for our scholarship fund. scholarship for our fund. [applause] i will close by saying i'm a let me paraphrase the fox news motto -- i have reported on what the w hca does. you decide whether it needs more support. there are these cards on your tables. last year, we did not have any sent in, even though i know there are a lot of people out there with the money. if you are in a position to give as much as tony gave him a go for it. something smaller is fine too. there are a lot of individuals who have done that.

i want to and where i began. began by talking about some vip's in this room. because of this fundraiser, we put about $125,000 into next year's group of scholars. on top of that, we raise at least $150,000. we've doubled that. [applause] let's talk about the real celebrities in this room. wereirst group of vip's all the journalists of the white house press corps, the producers, cameramen and women, could you stand up so we can recognize you/ -- can recognize you? [applause] i know why mrs. obama has come up here every year for the past two years, and this year, we asked gayle king to come up to

the podium to speak about the second group of vip's, the real group of celebrities that i wanted to stand up for, this year's w hca -- whca scholars. [applause] >> who knew that ed henry has jokes? love you and i netflix, but the reason why we are here today -- i was talking to people as we were coming in -- is conan o'brien going to be funny? yes. is the first lady beautiful? yes. the real reason why we are here -- i do not care if it is your first year here or you have been , this room,his year this event never gets old.

we are colleagues but also competitors, but there are a lot of people waiting in the wings who want to take our jobs. before the evening started, i went backstage to talk to them. without further ado, i would like to introduce you to real reason, the real vip's in the room tonight, starting with karissaniversity, jackson. she wants to meet candy crowley. come up. they said was getting a picture with the first lady and the president of united dates. rachel maddow is who she admires because she likes rachel's point of view on politics. sabrina fortsen, because she admires you, anna wintour. she said, anna wintour look so

beautiful. i said, anna wintour always looks good. ashley jobson tells me she likes anybody from spike because she likes documentaries. dickson likes anything local news. those of us know, local news, that is a good choice. first lady said, make sure you can see, ashley. -- he loves everything you do. omar knows margaret brennan two. university of missouri, chen,ia, missouri -- lisa a big fan of maria barbara -- rea barada momo. "60 liu loves all things

minutes." psy what he wants, and he said he wants a profile on " 60 minutes." he is sitting next to charlie rose. i bet that can happen. anshee du loves all things cnn. she wants to work with you. hill says his favorite anchor person is jeff daniels from "newsroom." all right, kip. stephen rich loves you, john stuart. [applause] come on up, stephen -- jon

stewart. [applause] come on up, stephen. balkan had the best response. i asked, who does -- who inspires you? she said, nobody really. i want to chart my own course. i love that answer. come on up, alexandria. stephen rich in addition to jon ryan fontana, a special shout out to paul read. come on up, rena. from university of california at berkeley, angela hart, she loves you ryan wasn't. she was very excited to meet you backstage -- ryan lizza. she was very excited to meet

you backstage. last but not least is jibril ingram who loves fashion a cynne simpson. could we please have a round of applause for all of the scholarship recipients. [applause] why -- while you are still standing, come on up miss p, miss little. -- come on up, miss little. >> breanna said, don't forget

me. [applause] >> i'm not going to be able to match them up with all those journalists, and i've got some juices with candy crowley. we will match them up. i love candy. [applause] that was the time i have been waiting for, to give a toast. for nearly 100 years now, our toast -- there is one toast, to the president. but given her work for our scholarship fund, i hope you will not quibble. i want everybody to raise a toast to the president of the united states and mrs. obama.

>> to the first lady. >> without further ado, i would like to introduce the president of the united states. [applause] ♪ >> thank you. thank you, everybody. how do you like my new entrance music?

rush limbaugh warned you about this. second term, baby. [applause] we are changing things around here a little bit. [laughter] actually, my advisers were a little worried about the new rap entrance music. they are little more traditional. they suggested that i should start with some jokes at my own expense. take myself down a peg. i was like, guys, after four and a half years, how many pegs are there left? [laughter] i want to thank the white house correspondents -- and, you are doing an outstanding job. doing an are outstanding job. we are grateful for all of the work you have done. as lola ball as well as all the

dignitaries here. i especially want to say thank you to ray or do you know who does outstanding service -- odierno who does outstanding service on behalf of our country and all the brave men and women. of course, our extraordinary first lady, michelle obama. everybody loves michelle. ,"e's on the cover of "vogue hide poll numbers, but don't worry, recently i got my own magazine cover. [laughter] look, i get it. as i look in the mirror, i have to admit, i'm not the strapping young most -- muslim socialist that i used to be. [laughter] [applause]

getting a little gray. yet, even after all of this time, i still make rookie mistakes. in california, having a nice time at a fundraiser, and i happen to mention that kamala harris is the best looking attorney general in the country. as you might imagine, i got trouble -- had trouble when i got back home. [laughter] who knew eric holder was so sensitive? [laughter] then there was the easter egg roll, which is supposed to be a nice, fun event with the kids. i go out on the basketball court. i took 22 shots. i made two of them. in, 20 mrs.., two

the executives at nbc asked, what is your secret? [laughter] so, yes, maybe i have lost a step, but some things are beyond my control. or example, this controversy about jay-z going to cuba. it is unbelievable. i've got 99 problems, and now jay-z is one. [laughter] that is not a rap reference. reference.er rap [laughter] of course, everybody's got plenty of advice. maureen dowd said i could solve

all of my problems if i were just more like michael douglas in the "american president." i know michael is here tonight driven michael, what is your secret? could it be that you were an actor in an aaron sorkin liberal fantasy? might that have something to do with it? i don't know. [laughter] check in with me. maybe there's something else. anyway, i recognize that this job can take a toll on you. i understand second terms, you need a new burst of energy, try some new things, and then my team and i talked about it -- we were willing to try anything -- we borrowed one of michelle tricks.

[laughter] i thought this looked pretty good. but, no bounce. [laughter] , i want to give a shout out to the headliner, conan o'brien. [applause] ed, and i talking to understand when the white house correspondents association was considering conan, they were faced with the age-old dilemma -- you offer it to him now him or do you wait for five years and give it to jimmy fallon? [laughter] oohs] that was a little harsh.

i love conan. of course, the white house press corps is here. i know cnn has taken some knocks lately, but the fact is, i admire their commitment to cover all sides of the story, just in case one of them happens to be accurate. [laughter] some of my former advisers have switched over to the dark side. for example, david axelrod now works for msnbc, which is a nice change of place since msnbc used to work for david axelrod. [laughter] is not here.hannel i guess they were embarrassed about the whole obama is a double thing. -- a devil thing. [laughter]

of course, that never cap fox news from showing up. -- kept fox news from showing up. they actually thought the comparison was not fair to satan. [laughter] the problem is is that the media landscape is changing so rapidly. you cannot keep up with it. buzzfeed wasen just something i did in college around 2:00 a.m.. [laughter] it's true. recently, i found a new favorite source for political news. these guys are great, i think everybody should check it out, they tell it to today's -- it is called whitehouse.gov.

i cannot get enough of it. really do respect the press. i recognize that the press and i have different jobs to do. my job is to be president. your job is to keep me humble. frankly, i think i'm doing my job better. [laughter] [applause] is everybodyroblem is so cynical. i mean, we are constantly feeding cynicism, suspicions, conspiracies. do you remember a few months ago, my administration put out a photograph of me going skeet shooting at camp david? quite a number of people insisted that this had been photo shoppeshopped.

tonight, i have something to confess. guys, can we show them the actual photo? [laughter] we were just trying to tone it down a little bit. that was an awesome day. there are other new players and the media landscape as well. super pac's. did you know sheldon adelson spent $100 million of his own money last year a negative ads? you got to really dislike me to spend that kind of money. that is over money. -- oprah money. you could buy an island and call it nobama for that kind of

money. sheldon would have been better off offering a $100 million to -- offeringthe race the $100 million to drop out of the race. [laughter] i probably would not have taken it, but i thought about it. michelle would've taken it. [laughter] you think i'm joking. i know republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012, but one thing they all agree on is that they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. look, call me self-centered, that i can think of one minority they could start with. -- but i can think of one minority they can start with. hello? [laughter] [applause]

think of me as a trial run. see how it goes. [laughter] if they will not come to me, i will come to them. recently, i had dinner. that was public. i had dinner with a number of republican senators. i will admit, it was not easy. i proposed a toast. it died in committee. [laughter] of course, even after i have done all of this, some folks still do not think i spend enough time with congress. why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell, they asked. really? why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell? [laughter]

, i just get frustrated sometimes. i am not giving up. am taking my charm offensive on the road. , texas barbecue with ted cruz kentucky bluegrass concert with rand paul, and a book burning with michele bachmann. [laughter] my charm offensive has helped me learn some interesting things about what is going on in congress created it turns out, absolutely nothing. -- congress. it turns out, absolutely nothing. [laughter] the point is simple. we need to make progress on simple issues.

take the sequester -- republicans fell in love with this thing, and now they cannot stop talking about how much they it, like were trapped in a taylor swift album -- we are or swiftin a taylr album. [laughter] one senator who has reached across the aisle is marco rubio, but i do not know about 2016. the guy has not finished a simple term in the senate, and he thinks he is ready to be president. [laughter] kids these days. i, on the other hand, have run my last campaign. on thursday, i went to the opening of the bush presidential library in dallas. it was a wonderful event. that inspired me to get started on my own legacy, which will actually begin by building

another edifice right next to the bush library. can we show that, please? [laughter] i'm also hard at work on plans for the obama library. some have suggested we put it in my birthplace, but i would rather keep it in the united states. [laughter] [applause] did anyone not see that joke coming? [laughter] only gallup? dick morris? [laughter] speaking of presidents and their legacies, i want to acknowledge a wonderful run, and steven spielberg and daniel day-

lewis who are here tonight. we had a screening of their most recent film "lincoln." extraordinary film. i'm nervous about stephen's next project. look a behind-the-scenes on hbo. let's check it out. roll the tape. >> i was thrilled that lincoln was a success. i was thinking about what to do next. in the middle of the night i woke up and it hit me. obama. why wait? picking the right actor to play obama, that was a challenge. we never got his transcripts. they say he is kind of aloof. i need someone to become barack obama. it turns out the answer was right in front of me all along. daniel day-lewis.

[laughter] he nailed it. >> it took a while. hello, ohio. i love you back. let me be clear about that. [laughter] once we had daniel to play obama, we had to guess the rest of the team. mikerking with a legend daniel is intimidating. he makes everyone better. without them, i never could have played joe biden. literally. i am joe biden. >> the hardest part, trying to understand his motivations. what makes them tick? why doesn't he get mad?

if i was him, i get mad all the time. but i am not. i am daniel day-lewis. [laughter] [applause] >> remarkable transformation. do i really sound like that? groucho marx once said, senator cruz, that is groucho marx, not karl. the other guy. he once told an audience, before i speak, i something important to say. along those same lines, i want

to close on a more serious note. there has been no shortage of news to cover over the past few weeks. the suspense and very hard days for many of our citizens. even as we gather here tonight, our thoughts are not far from the people of boston and the people of west, texas and the families in the midwest coping with some terrible floods. we have had some difficult days. but even when the days seemed darkest, we have seen humanity shine at its brightest. we have seen first responders and national guardsmen who dashed into danger. law-enforcement officers who lived their oath, to serve and protect. and everyday americans opening

their homes and their hearts to perfect strangers. we also saw journalist that their best. especially those that took their time to wait upstream through the torrent of digital rumors to just family didn't verify leads and facts. if anyone wonders whether newspapers are a thing of the past, all you need to do is pick up or log on to papers like "the boston globe." [applause] when their communities and the wider world needed them most, they were there. making sense of the events that might, at first blush, seem beyond our comprehension. that is what great journalism is. that is what great journalist do. that is why pete williams' new nickname around the nbc newsroom is big papi. ofot a chance to meet many

the volunteers and police officers who raced to help when hardship hit. i was reminded, as i always am when i meet our men and women in uniform, whether they are abroad or here back home, our reed. they don't do it to be honored. they don't do it to be celebrated. they do it because they love their families and they love their neighborhoods and they love their country. these men and women should inspire all of us in this room to live up to those same standards.

to be worthy of their trust. to do our jobs with the same fidelity and the same integrity and the same sense of purpose and the same love of country. if we are only focused on profits or ratings or polls, then we are contributing to the cynicism that so many people feel right now. [applause] and so those of us in this room tonight, we are incredibly lucky. the fact is, we can do better. all of us. those of us in public office, those of us in the press, those who produce entertainment for our kids, those with power, those with influence, all of us, including myself, we can strive to value those things that i suspect led most of us to work that we do in the

first place. because we believed in something that was true. we believed in service. in the idea that we can have a lasting, positive impact on the lives of the people around us. that is our obligation. that is a task we should gladly embrace on behalf of all of those folks who are counting on us. on behalf of this country that has given us so much. thank you all for the great work you do. god bless you all, may god bless the united states of america. [applause] >> thank you, mr. president. without further ado, mr. conan o'brien.

[applause] >> thank you. thank you. please remain seated. that is not necessary. [applause] [laughter] thank you, don't stand, that wouldn't be right. good evening, thank you, mr. president, mrs. obama, distinguished members of the press and bon jovi. [laughter] yes, it is an honor to share the stage with the president. when you think about it, he and i are a lot alike. we both went to harvard, we both have two children and we both told joe biden we did not have extra tickets for tonight's event. [laughter] we also have something else in common, i too recently got in trouble for talking about a public official's good looks. it was when i would not shut up about that stone cold fox, secretary of transportation ray lahood. oh, man.

i like the cut of his jib. [laughter] president obama, you had some great jokes. it was a pleasure watching you stand here and do what i do. now it is only fair that i get to do what you do. that is right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes i will be mired in a dysfunctional standoff with congress. this is going to be fun. [laughter] i would like to formally congratulate the president on his reelection. congratulations. [applause] as you all know, he is hard at work reading jobs. since he was first selected, the number of popes has doubled. [laughter] showhe number of tonight hosts has tripled. congratulations. [laughter] while i'm at it, i would like to congratulate president george w. bush on big dedication of his presidential library. yes, the library has millions of books, articles, and documents and if you go, you can be the first to read them. [laughter]

you can't hurt me. ladies and gentlemen, let's get going. right here at the start i am going to share something with you people and it does not leave this room. i say this with absolute confidence, because we are on c- span. [laughter] who doesn't love c-span, seriously? c-span. an entire channel shot the backup camera on a ford explorer. congratulations to c-span for winning the bid to broadcast this event. they beat out hd tv two, tvc south america and the hilton hotel how to check out channel. [laughter] that is right, the hilton. it is great to be here at the hilton. is it just me or is it time to stop using priceline to book this event? i love the hilton. i love their motto, sorry the

radisson was booked. i was worried that because of the sequester we would be forced to hold this event at a less prestigious hotel then the dc hilton. then i was told that was not possible. [laughter] i do want to thank the hilton for accommodating us. they were kind enough to reschedule a cash for gold seminar. [laughter] by the way, for those of you here for the cash for gold seminar, that has been moved to salon be on the mezzanine. and if joe biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that, either. quick announcement, before we really get going, before we continue, if any of you are live tweeting this event, please use the #incapableoflivinginthemoment. [laughter] yeah. yeah. yeah. also, to any u.s. senators here tonight, if you would like to

switch your dessert or your position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. [laughter] speaking of dinner, tonight's entrées are halibut, and filet mignon. or as cnn reported, lasagna and couscous. [laughter] there is a gavel here, and i don't know why. [gavel pounds] here is a fun fact about tonight's food, everything you it was personally shot by wayne lapierre. don't worry, it was during a home invasion. the fish came in through the window. it wasn't peppercorn, it was buckshot. incidentally, you may not know this, but wayne lapierre is merely the executive vice president of the nra. howh begs the question,

freaking crazy do you have to be to be the actual president of the nra? [laughter] [applause] he is not even at the top. [laughter] i would like to acknowledge that earlier this evening there was some confusion with the seating chart. for a moment, someone accidentally sat governor chris christie with the republicans. that was awkward, and i apologize. very awkward. speaking of tables, before dinner, i had a chance to mingle, you probably saw me. i worked the crowd, shook some hands and sold my twitter account to al jazeera for $500 million. they will buy anything. it is an absolute joy to be her at the white house correspondents dinner. last year, tom brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and a-list celebrities. when i told him i would be attending this year, he said, that is more like it. [laughter]

that should not be funny to you. but this is really a star- studded event. this year, you have taken it to new heights. i have to congratulate you. it's. you have some of the guy from "duck dynasty." which can only mean one thing, the guys from "storage wars" said no. i love "duck dynasty," don't get me wrong. i really don't think the whistle oh, my god, it works. he is here. i always hated that one. as some of you know, this is my second time speaking at this event. i was 18 years ago in 1995, a lot has changed since then. today you can get real-time information on world events from something small enough to fit in the palm of your hand. back in 1995, we called that george stephanopoulos. [laughter] i can see if george is here

because there is a crouton in the way. [laughter] it is amazing to think how much our country has changed in 18 years. think about it. if in 1995 he told me that in 2013, we would have an african- american president with a middle name hussein, who was just reelected to a second term in a sluggish economy, i would have said, oh, you must have run against mitt romney. [laughter] by the way, no offense, i do congratulate you on your victory, but as a late-night comedian, i was kind of pulling for the rich guy whose horse danced in the olympics. [laughter] the demographics of this country have been rapidly changing over the past two decades. i look forward to hosting this even18ea from now.

then, my opening line will be, [speaking spanish] si. especialmente, presidente mario lopez. my prior experience has taught me how these dinners work. if the president laughs, everyone laughs. if the fox news table laughs, a little girl just fell off her bike. [laughter] how are you doing, bill? i'll be washington news mediator tonight, including the stars of online journalism. i did the huffington post has a table. which has me wondering, if you are here, who is covering miley cyrus's latest nip slip? who is assembling today's top 25 yogurt related tweets? [laughter]

just before dinner, i tried to say hello to every on huffington, but she made me watch a 30-second ad first. [laughter] a lot of online stars in the room, but unfortunately not judge couldn't make it. he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997. the washington print media is also joining us this evening. the print media are here for two very good reasons. food and shelter. [laughter] you know, some people say print media is dying, but i don't believe it. neither does my blacksmith.

[laughter] you have got to meet zachariah, he is great. newsweek, which after 80 years published its last print issue. time magazine might be gloating, but they really shouldn't, because time will outlive newsweek a way juliett outlived romeo. read the play, it is very smart. [laughter] things are so tough for media, reuters is having its after party right here at the hilton. because nothing says we are having a great here like having your after party at the same table where you just had dinner. [laughter] with that in mind, reuters is asking everyone here to leave a little wine at the bottom of the glass. [laughter] to be fair, print media still has a big star in bob woodward.

got to give it up for bob woodward. [applause] earlier this evening, a waiter asked him if he wanted regular or decaf and he said, stop threatening me! some big names in television news. when it comes to television news, we have a divided landscape. fox news is watched by conservatives, msnbc watched by liberals and cnn is watched by people who clean the offices at cnn. [laughter] [oohs] oh, it gets worst. cnn's ratings are so low, when it comes up, james earl jones says, you are watching cnn? what the hell? twove to say, in the past years, cnn has made some odd moves. it replaced the -- popular larry king with one of the footman

from "downton abbey." it is good to see my old friends at msnbc. chris matthews is here. chris matthews has the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens. [laughter] during the boston coverage on msnbc last week, chuck todd stopped a pundit from speculating on unverified information. there is no joke here. i'm just letting the people at cnn know that you can do that. [laughter] this is a learning experience. fox news star bill o'reilly, he has become quite the author. two recent bestsellers, " killing kennedy" and "killing lincoln." bill o'reilly is now working on "the natural, peaceful deat hohf

taft." now he is working on his next book, due out this fall, this time about the killing of jesus. it will be the first time in history that his death is blamed on obamacare. [laughter] two quick shout outs to pbs and npr. pbs -- yes! [applause] those people love to party. be safe, wear a tote bag. it works. you have got to love npr. still the number one source for news delivered as if there is a toddler sleeping in the next room. [laughter] shh! nbc news is in the house. they have had a rough go of it. the today show let go of inquiry. after being told that an curry said, how broker tells the world that he crafted answer the white house and i am getting fired? al is the reason there are no more chores of the white house,

they're still hosing down. [crowd oohs] brian williams is here. i am a big fan of your show. if you haven't seen it, imagine brand delivering the evening news on a different floor of the building, a little later, with a slightly different type. it is a mind blower. check it out. as i look all around the room, i realize this is one big high school cafeteria. that is all it is. think about it. fox is the jocks. msnbc is the nerds. bloggers are the goths. npr is the table for kids with peanut allergies. [laughter] al jazeera is the weird foreign- exchange student nobody talks to. and media, you are the poor kid

who died sophomore year in a car crash. [laughter] cheer up, we dedicate the yearbook to you. of course, the biggest or that people covered this past year was the republicans failure to recapture the white house. hard to believe they did not fare better with the sort of celebrities like ted nugent and meatloaf. they underestimated the number of voters who still drive carpeted vans. [laughter] the republican party's on the mend. one rising star on the right is senator marco rubio. or as he is known in the republican party, our black guy. [laughter] as of today come in the u.s. senate has a number of african- american senators. two.

two. in other words, there are now more african-americans in the senate and in a mumford and concert. thank you, younger people. paul ryan -- i don't understand! what's he babbling about? [laughter] who is this man? paul ryan, he really burst through when he ran for vice president. after the election, he said president obama was reelected because of the high turnout of urban voters. when he was asked how he liked his coffee he said, no milk, no sugar, just urban. [laughter] there is rnc chairman reince priebus. tonight he is sitting between

his brothers, lather and repeat. [laughter] house majority leader eric cantor is here. or as i like to refer to him, yet another jewish republican from the south. also joining us, a condiment from new york named steve israel. he is from new york and his name is israel. then is pandering, and there is pandering. aat is like having congressman from south carolina named jesus h. gun. [laughter] you've got to use this thing, it is fantastic. [gavel pounds] i mentioned chris christie

earlier, governor christie and shaquille o'neal are sitting at the same dinner table. let's give it up for the real unsung hero tonight, their waiter. [laughter] that poor bastard. going to lose an arm. and we have one or two supreme court justices. they seem divided over same-sex marriage. the liberal justices favorite while the conservatives oppose any life long union between two men, unless it is antonin scalia and clarence thomas. what the hell was that? speaker john boehner is not here tonight. speaker banner and president obama are still struggling to get along. president obama and john boehner, kind of like a blind date between anderson cooper and rachel maddow. in theory, they understand each other's position, but deep

down, you know nothing is ever going to happen. [laughter] [applause] [gavel pounds] speaking of nothing happening, we are all hoping for nothing to happen with north korea. that got me wondering, what is with kim jong-un? in the past, we have had really scary enemies like saddam hussain and hitler. now, suddenly our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses like rosie o'donnell at the emmys. kim jong-un does not understand that we aren't afraid of him. what that guy doesn't get is that we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down america. it is called florida. [laughter] [applause]

yes it is. yes, president obama has a lot on his plate right now. he is at the very nice stage where there are no more secrets left to come out about him. we all know that he lived in indonesia as a child, studied at a muslim seminary and occasionally ate dog. from the beginning, a kid who had his eyes set on the u.s. presidency. [laughter] check, check, and check. here i come. i know the relationship between the president and the press can seem a bit strained at times. some in this room have accused him of being distant and aloof. when i asked the president about it earlier, he said, oh, then walked away. [laughter] it is only natural, but mr. president election was less exciting than the first time around in 2008.

youlection night, celebrated with hundreds of thousands of people in chicago's grant park. it was fascinating. this time around, you split the hot dog did not ask about. it did not have the same buzz. it has been several months since you were reelected, so i am curious, why are you still sending everyone five e-mails a day asking for more money? you won. do you have a gambling problem we don't know about? did you put it all on gonzaga? you did, didn't you? he did. [gavel pounds] president obama has already made a lot of changes in his second term. you recently appointed john kerry and chuck hagel. smart moves. the only two people in the united to look even more tired than you. [laughter] a great strategy.

mr. president, you will leave office a very young man. the presidency has taken it's toll. you are starting to look like a judge on "law and order." just say, you are on thin ice, counselor. you could have that part right away. your hair is so white, it could be a member of your cabinet. [laughter] [crowd oohs] he can handle it. he recently picked the new treasury secretary, jack lew. if the president ever has to let him go, he can say, it is not lew, it's me. [laughter] the quote a city must but the president is that he is always the coolest guy in the room. that is what everyone says. he is the coolest guy in the room