ok camera one. and that's it. [laughter] it is great to be here at the washington hilton. it's something is something of a prostitute might say to a congressman. the washington hilton, you guys. man, if these walls could talk they would probably say, clean me. it's crazy to think that our president is right here in the ballroom of the washington hilton. it's even crazy to think that our vice president is right now and the ball pit washington chucky cheese. but seriously, the washington hilton is great. i bet that, when the president walks in his on the bellhop's, he thought, some decent

security. [laughter] i'm just kidding, let's give it up for the secret service. yeah. [applause] they are the only law enforcement agency in the country that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot. are you saying "boo?" or "true?" you are all in this together, from the networks at front, to the internet at the back, all the way to the print journalists who are busing the tables. [laughter] msnbc is here. i love msnbc. even their call letters are long-winded. just a great variety of shows. rachel maddow, locked up abroad

lock up suv lock up en espanol. fox news is here. fox news has been losing a lot of viewers lately, and may they rest in peace. that's nice to say. it's all just hot blonde ladies and all dues. it looks at a party scene from weekend at bernie's. you've got to give it up for cnn. it's comforting to know that whenever a big story breaks, i can turn to cnn and watch anthony bore date eat a cricket. -- anthony bourdain eat a cricket. [laughter] buzz feed is here, i can show

you a listicle of 17 reasons why they shouldn't be. usa today is here. they are only here because they slipped through the hotel door. that's usa today, unless today is saturday or sunday. [laughter] npr is here. npr had a lot of success with the "serial" podcast, which finally answer the question, what would it be like if somebody whispered to me an episode of dateline?

next season, pick somebody who definitely did it, like amanda knox. nbc is here. even us at snl got criticized this year for making fun of isis. if anybody is guilty of taking isis to lightly, it's them. you know? what can i say about brian williams. nothing, because i work for nbc. [laughter] [applause] there are so many stars from so many great shows here. we are in a golden age of television. i still see so many negative or trails of black and gay people. i mean it's 2015, and we still have characters like john lemon it's ridiculous.

the cast of blackish is here which i think is inappropriate after the way they treated those whales at sea world. [laughter] the cast of game of thrones is here, and they tell me that even they have never seen this many nerds before. naomi campbell is here. naomi, you are lucky hillary is not here, as if you through your blackberry at her she would delete everything right off of it. [laughter] hillary said she used her private e-mails because she didn't want to use more than two devices. if that sounds familiar, it's also one of the roles from the sex contract in 50 shades of grey. the cast of downton abbey is here. thanks for the generous donation --

speaking of aaron, you may notice i'm a little tan. i just got back from the most fabulous trip that aaron took me on, and i from a instagram photos to share with you, so. you are probably familiar with this picture of him surfing in hawaii. see, there's me. i didn't even need a surfboard, i just use his abs. then he went diving into this swimming pool he had built. it hurt when i landed. here is me and aaron skydiving. he said his made his own parachute out of gifts his constituents made him. his netsuite? -- isn't that sweet? here we are at the eiffel tower. paris is so beautiful. mr. president, you should think about going there sometime.

i hear the weather is nice in january. here we are in our trip to california. we must have done this for hours and hours, just so much wasted water. fun. here we are at his own dinosaur island. here we are after hunting the dinosaurs. is that -- brian williams? what you doing, you rascal? aaron and i, we had so much fun. it was not romantic, it was strictly a friendship trip, he might in the every day. just because aaron schock resigned, it doesn't mean that are smoking hot congressman left. looking out tonight, i see so

many tens. well, washington tens, but new york for his. urs. harry reid was a boxer for he spent five terms as a punching bag. one of my favorite things that happened in congress this year was when a senator brought in a snowball to prove that climate change isn't real. i mean, that blew my mind. i don't even need to see the other science projects. first prize, jim. you got size to life man! so cool. senator tom cotton got other senators to sign an open letter he wrote to iran. the most surprising thing is that a guy named tom cotton is a u.s. senator and not a rabbit

from an old racist disney cartoon. in tom cotton's defense, he was just trying to repair america's strain relationship with israel. he doesn't need to worry about that. all relationship will be better in the next administration, as soon as israel is a generous donation to the clinton foundation. "true?" or "boo?" now, it's been a great year for women, as always. [laughter] hobby lobby said they didn't want to pay for health care if it included things like contraceptive. which is weird, because all i asked was what i'll is the yarn in? i do love hobby lobby.

i weather this morning, and i bought the cutest wicker basket to hold all of my morning after pills. [laughter] a representative recently asked if gynecological exams could be conducted by a woman. on camera, and now he and his wife have a perfectly good -- ruined ago pro. -- ruined a go-pro. so much to talk about this year. the big story, the republicans finally succeeded, and obama is being forced out of office in 18 months. you did it! so many great people have already announced they are running. it's like, who is better than marco rubio?

hillary. who's better than rand paul? hillary. who's better on the economy than hillary? bill. hillary's campaign slogan is it's your time. which i assume she says herself in the mirror what she dead lists 200 pounds. i'm excited about hillary running. i'm not sure she's excited about having to run, i think she feels the same way meryl streep feels which he has to audition for something -- " are you kidding mee?" this next part is a repeat after me. i want all the media to put their hands up and swear something this election season ok? i solemnly swear not to talk about hillary's appearance because that is not journalism.

[laughter] [applause] also, cecily strong looks great tonight. [laughter] i don't want you to take any of this as an endorsement for hillary clinton, because i would never blindly endorse a candidate i do not play on snl. hillary clinton has her work cut off for her. her democratic challengers are a who's who of who's that? to a them are characters from the adventures of huckleberry finn, but you didn't even notice, did you? let's not forget martin o'malley. i don't have anything to add that's just his actual campaign

slogan. let's not forget martin o'malley. [laughter] lincoln chafee t running for president is like watching a dog look for its owner. a lot of people want elizabeth warren to run, but many think she is too idealistic and her policies are too liberal. but look at president obama. he didn't end up doing any of that stuff. [laughter] the republican field is diverse including people like ted cruz, rand paul, and if people like chris christie, who is a democrat. jeb bush is probably in the race. the presidential race, not hispanic race. that was an accident. jeb bush --

marco rubio is running. when jeb bush found out he said, ay, dios mio. he makes mitt romney look relaxed on the air. michael gets comfortable before he gets on camera to endorse jet. -- endorse jebb. chris christie has said that he will crack down on legalized marijuana, because he believes it is a gateway drug. so, like a fridge to other drugs? and he wants to shut down a bridge? polls show that his approval

ratings in new jersey are low. the only thing new jerseyans approve of less is "that dominican guy." ted cruz, it's like the right-wing thought, what's the opposite of a black president? how about a canadian let you know who will never be president? is true. he was born in canada, a child of cuban immigrants. i can't believe he wasn't in hillary's announcement video. [laughter] seems like a lot of work just to be a fox news pundit. rand paul has announced he is taking over the not being president business, and yes, that is rand, as in, he didn't get elected, but at least he "rand." he is a libertarian, which is

just a republican you have to block on twitter. rand paul's campaign slogan is defeat the washington machine unleash the american dream. the american dream, of course, is the model name of rand paul's wigs. this talk about the most important person in the room, my leader, the person i am so glad is in the white house, michelle obama. [laughter] [applause] michelle, take care of that garden while you can, because you know bill is going to turn that thing into an above ground pool. [laughter] seriously, michelle obama, what an amazing woman. harvard educated lawyer, and advocate for lgbt writes, and the founder of the let's move campaign to combat child obesity. it is a dream to sit next year, but it's a nightmare to eat next year.

-- next to you. when i got up to go to the bathroom for like 20 minutes? i hate a cheese pizza behind the toilet and there, and i ate it. i'm sorry. [laughter] and of course, mr. president. thank you for taking time away from being on jimmy kimmel to be here. i know this must have cost a ton of food stamps, said thank you. i can say that, a lot of you probably don't know this, but obama and i grew up together in chicago. i remember when we used to go down to the basketball court. i would lace up a pair of jordans, he would sit on my moms jeans. we would just miss three-pointers until sundown. of course, that when it have to stop and pray to mecca.

those were simpler times. now you have problems with congress, vladimir putin israel. you said it yourself. we can't solve problems by holding hands and singing come by. kumbaya, is a village in africa he was born. after six years in office, your approval rating is at 48%. your gray hair is that 85%. your hair is so white, it can talk back to the police. [laughter] [applause] we will high-five about that later. i bet you wish you were coming into office in 2016 is that of 2008. mr. president, you probably get this a lot, you are a lot like madonna. you have both given this country

so much but you gotta stop. mr. president, it was an honor to be here tonight. thank you to the white house correspondents'association, whatever that is. i have to finish up, as the exterminators need to get into this room. i have a bathroom pizza to finish. thank you so much, good night. [laughter] [applause] christi: cecily strong, thank you. wonderful.

now to bring our evening to a close, i would like for you all to remain seated while carol lee escorts the president and the first lady from the stage. [applause] [applause]

[captions copyright national cable satellite corp. 2015] [captioning performed by the national captioning institute, which is responsible for its caption content and accuracy. visit ncicap.org]

[indiscernible]

[indiscernible]

[indiscernible] [indiscernible]

[indiscernible]

[indiscernible] [indiscernible]

>> on the next "washington journal," asher orkaby discusses yemen and the role of regional partners. check euchre, founder of the young turks, talks about hillary clinton's entry into the