[♪ theme music ♪] >> stephanie: all right. happy friday everybody, current tv land. jacki schechner. >> good morning, i have practical advise. >> stephanie: yes, please. >> if you are going to put your spinning shoes in the washing machine, make sure it is on the right cycle. because if you don't, you sled -- destroy your shoes and shred the bath mat.

>> stephanie: why would you wash your shoes? >> have you smelled your spinning shoes lately? >> stephanie: no. >> oh, steph really. >> stephanie: all right. let's do a health care corner coming up wanna? >> i can do that. >> stephanie: great we'll see you in couple of minutes. >> good morning, everybody. happy friday president obama is meeting for the first time today with a group called the privacy and civil liberties oversight board. if you haven't heard of them don't worry. they have been around since 2004, but by all accounts they haven't been particularly active. from 2004 to 2007 the group is intended to garner right to privacy. president obama nominated a

bunch of members it to in 2010 and 2011, and congress just kept kicking them back to him. today the president is going to take advantage of his group and talk with them about the nsa surveillance disclosures that have been in the news, see if they can't get a national conversation started. also today, president obama is going to nominate jim comy to replace robert muller. he is a republican but notably raised concerns about a secret electronic surveillance program during the bush administration. he'll have to be confirmed by the senate and he is likely to get plenty of questions about how he feels about the program. he was general counsel for bridgewater associates, and he was an executive at lockheed martin.

the white house calls him one of our most skilled security and law enforcement officials. we're back after the break. stay with us. ♪

(vo) current tv is the place for compelling true stories. (kaj) jack, how old are you? >> nine. (adam) this is what 27 tons of marijuana looks like. (vo) with award winning documentaries that take you inside the headlines. way inside. (christoff) we're patrolling the area looking for guns, drugs bodies ... (adam) we're going to places where few others are going. [lady] you have to get out now. >> lots of terrible things happen to people growing marijuana. >> this crop to me is my livelihood. >> i'm being violated by the health care system. (christoff) we go and spend a considerable amount of time getting to know the people and the characters that are actually living these stories. (vo) from the underworld to the world of privilege. >> everyone in michael jackson's life was out to use him. (vo) no one brings you more documentaries that are real, gripping, current.

>> occupy! >> we will have class warfare. current perspective. documentaries. on current tv. ♪ it's a beautiful day, don't let it get away ♪ >> stephanie: it is the "stephanie miller show." welcome it to. huh oh last day before vacation. weirdest show ever. thank you mr. man for my big cup of vodka. >> you think she is kidding. >> stephanie: 1-800-steph-1-2 the phone number toll free from anywhere. is it me or was bill press just getting smashed on his show

drinking wine. >> we don't drink during the show. >> stephanie: right. he is stealing my schtick. >> parting shot -- oh here's my parting shot [ glugging sound ] >> stephanie: nicely done bill. good thinking. [ applause ] >> stephanie: lots to get to today. we're all to vacation and you know where we're going. >> immerse yourself, it's all waiting for you here at scandals resort. >> oh, scandals. this is going to be fun. [ giggling ] >> when you say at scandals everything is included from your fast and furious brunch to your benghazi high -- mai tai.

and if you and your partner want to really spice things up -- >> oh baby. >> there are such events such as tie me up and impeach me we give you the attention you need for those who are screaming for attention. scandals ♪ >> stephanie: fabulous. thank you rocky mountain mike and mary in ann arbor. really, chris, because we are talking immigration reform, you booked carlos alazraqui. >> yes, he is argentinian. >> stephanie: john fugelsang is actually on a plane flying out here, so carlos is stepping into

the comedic fray today. speaking of the fray here she comes, nurse jacki. ♪ ♪ imagine me and you, i do i think she gets up in the night, and burns the light ♪ ♪ and washes her shoes ♪ ♪ the only one who got it right, jacki schechner ♪ ♪ so happy with schechner ♪ >> we did the long one for you today, jacki. >> thank you. >> stephanie: jacki schechner filling in next week with hal sparks live. >> yeah, i'm trying to book some sort of liquor tasting every day next week. >> hal doesn't drink, so you will be on your own. more for you. >> i believe tony and travis do though. they'll pick up hal's slack. >> stephanie: exactly. good morning, jacki schechner. >> good morning.

>> stephanie: before we dive into the health care corner you reported at the top of the hour that the president is meeting with the civil liberty folks, and yesterday you had some thoughts, because we were talking about the schism on the left, and then jim and i got in a fight, and we had great makeup sex, but any way your thoughts? >> i don't like edward snowden, i think he is incredibly self-serving. i think this whole story shouldn't be about me let me do a series of interviews. i think that he had something going before he even started at booz allen hamilton. the whole thing doesn't make sense. it doesn't mean we shouldn't revisit the patriot act, but i think people who are heralded

him as a patriotic hero they are putting this in perspective. i think there are some sketchy details that people are trying to gloss over in the name of idealism. >> stephanie: yeah, i think just being careful that he is not a james o'keefe. when you rush to make someone a hero -- even jim has said there are some weird parts of this story that we don't know yet. >> yeah not the least of which his resume was full of discrepancies -- >> stephanie: and he is not a liberal, he is a libertarian that gave money to rand or ron paul. >> ron paul. >> yeah, i don't know him personally and have no incite into his past other than what

has been publicized, but as somebody who knows the online community pretty well it looks like he was pretty active, where there were lot of talks about ways to manipulate computer systems, and a lot of these guys -- i have dated some of these guys. >> stephanie: gone really into the fray -- [ laughter ] >> and they can be really smart at this sort of thing but lack some larger world content. and i don't know that he is the great authority on what is right and what is wrong for your national security. >> stephanie: exactly. who appointed or elected him? but some of the stuff he has continued to talk about, i think americans get wait a minute, you are on foreign soil, criticizing the united states, complimenting

the free speech they have in china and russia? if you are trying to help the american people why are you leaking things to foreign powers, right? >> yeah, there's a little bit of fame whoring to this. there's no great sacrifice to what he is doing. >> stephanie: why do you keep comparing him to daniel ellsburg? >> ellsberg and greenwald and laura potrus created a foundation together. and they all are promoting this freedom of information foundation. i'm not saying there is a conspiracy, but ellsburg calling snowden a hero is not by accident. it's not like he came out of the woodwork and said by the way this guy is great -- they all

are working together and not in a nefarious way. >> stephanie: yeah. where do you go when dick cheney says he is a problem, and glen beck says he is a hero. >> yeah. >> i just know ellsberg has been championing him. >> stephanie: yeah. nurse jacki, time to change your little cap. [♪breaking news theme♪] >> stephanie: yet another headline today. health insurance sending $500 million back to consumers. >> if you put restrictions on the health insurance companies

that they have to comply with they comply. [ cuckoo clock chimes ] >> stephanie: huh? >> yeah, it is called the medical loss ratio, which essentially means that 80% of your premium dollars has to actually been spent on gasp medical care. >> what? >> they can spend 20% of that money on marketing, advertising, whatever they want to spend it on, but 80% has to go to actual medical care. and what they are finding is that not only are the insurance companies having to return money to customers or businesses but they are also not charging as much because they don't want to have to deal with the rebates. >> stephanie: yeah 8.5 million people will get rebates because their health insurance provider spent too much on overhead and

not enough on medical care. and this is so important. the rule aims to force health insurance companies to streamline their businesses. remember everybody was fear mongering, the premiums are going to go way up, in addition the obama administration maintains the regulation has encouraged health insurers to cut overhead. so that's doubly working. >> yeah. and people shouldn't get all crazy, and say a hundred bucks is not a huge amount of money, and that money may go to your if you have an individual policy or it may go to your employer. you may not personally see it, but the money is being refunded in the instances that it is required to happen. but the all good things. when people say they don't like the affordable care act but they don't know what is in it --

>> stephanie: here is your check. >> right. it's your money being returned back to you, because the insurance companies are squandering. so it's like maybe we should give the money back to the people who paid it if you are not going to spend it on medical care. >> stephanie: yeah, knock, on wood, right, it's looking good so far. >> yeah there's not as much waist because it seems to be working, insurance companies aren't jacking prices up as high, because they realize they will have to pay it back down the line. the insurance companies do a lot of really shady things instead of putting extra money back into medical care they put extra money back into themselves to try to make it look like they are making less profit. these are ways the government is

working for you, and saying you know what this industry should be more regulated than it is because we're talking about something that people need which is health care. >> stephanie: another spectacular health care corner, by the way. [ laughter ] >> i think that might be the most spectacular corner. >> i like to decorate my corner christmas lights. >> and even a pumpkin. >> stephanie: i may need to buy you a knew pair of spinning shoes just for that corner. all right. i love you jacki schechner. >> i love you too. i'm going to miss you so much. >> stephanie: i'm going to miss you too! [ applause ] >> stephanie: all right. right back on the "stephanie miller show." >> announcer: join the party, 1-800-steph-1-2.

current tv is the place for true stories. with award winning documentaries that take you inside the headlines. real, gripping, current. documentaries... on current tv. ♪

♪ ever since i was a young boy ♪ i must have played them all, but i ain't seen nothing like -- >> announcer: stephanie miller. ♪ in any amusement hall that deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball ♪ >> stephanie: it is the "stephanie miller show." this hour brought to you by wix. w-i-x dot-com. people do not take you seriously unless you have a professional-looking website, right? >> right. >> stephanie: it is free. over 30 million people have built their businesses with wix. requires no design or coding skills. i need that because i don't know what those two things are. you just told me what a browser

is yesterday. hundreds of designer-made templates to choose from. completely customizable. drag and drop, you can customize your website at wix. >> you can drag and drop inside your browser. >> stephanie: right? wix will help you manage all of your online presences in one place, and clients can find you easily, sco friendly and it is literally a free website, check it out. wix.com. all righty then. as is our tradition the giant breaking news on marriage equality will probably be monday when we are gone. i'll have to call in. >> you'll be in a place where you can call in.

>> stephanie: sure. who knows where i'll be. >> i know where you are going to be. because i saw your browser. >> stephanie: oh, my god! [ ♪ patriotic music ♪ ] >> stephanie: good piece in "the daily beast" about lisa mercowski. this could help. it seems like just one more -- it's the third republican senator that has come out in favor of marriage equality, but they made some really good points in here this goes to one of the questions that anthony kennedy asked, the conservative case for marriage equality. alaska senator became the third republican u.s. senator to support same-sex marriage on wednesday, but what is really significant about the decision is the argument she made in an

op-ed which is rooted in family values. she told the story of the alaskian military couple who visited her with their adopted children. the couple were two women. they do not get considered for household health care benefit coverage like spouses nationwide. they still live a second class existence. it's a conservative-values based case for what has been the least traditional family arrangement imagined in the past. it might win over strategically placed republican justice. talking to you antonin.

>> this was very hopeful. he said there are some 40,000 children in california that live with same-sex parents. the voice of those children in this case is important, don't you think? yes, we do think so. she said i'm a lifelong republican because i believe in promoting freedom and limiting the reach of government when government does act i believe it should encourage family values. i believe it keeps politicians out of the most private and personal aspects of people's lives, and encourage more adults to make a lifetime commitment to each other. this combines the core individual liberty argument that we always hear on other stuff, liberty, guns freedom. >> berries.

>> hitler berries. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: the national organization for marriage wasted no time -- >> nom, nom, nom, nom. >> stephanie: right. >> gnashing of teeth. >> oh, something outside of my experience! change, evil bad! >> stephanie: the overwhelming majority of alaska who have voted to define marriage as a relationship between a man and a woman today sealed her fate. >> have they ever won any of their fights? >> stephanie: no. if there is one belief that unifies most alaskians, it is less government and more

freedom. so the three republicans -- [ applause ] >> stephanie: good for her. they balance out the three red state democrats who currently don't support marriage equality. [ booing ] >> stephanie: one loan snoopy boo for you. >> booooooooo. far away snoopy. >> stephanie: twenty-nine minutes after the hour. right back on the "stephanie miller show." ♪

>> if you believe in state's rights but still support the drug war you must be high. >> "viewpoint" digs deep into the issues of the day. >> do you think that there is any chance we'll see this president even say the words "carbon tax"? >> with an open mind... >> has the time finally come for real immigration reform? >> ...and a distinctly satirical point of view. >> but you mentioned "great leadership" so i want to talk about donald rumsfeld. >> (laughter). >> watch the show. >> only on current tv. ♪

>> good lord -- >> announcer: stephanie miller. . >> -- you look atrocious. i thought i told you to take a vacation. >> stephanie: i'm on it. 1-800-steph-1-2 the phone number toll free from anywhere. let's go to david in chicago. >> caller: thank you for taking my call. i just wanted to say i think it's a little bit disingenuous when all of these right wingers want to define biblical marriages between and man and a woman. it's really an issue of property where the man takes the woman as property in the bible. and if he wanted to get rid of her, he could just give her a letter of divorce and send her away. so it's not between a man and a woman.

>> stephanie: yeah. >> and they could stone people in the old testament days. >> stephanie: take your organ out for me. [♪ organ music ♪] >> stephanie: john fugelsang is flying, so he won't be able to be here today. the spanking for jesus movement. >> yes. >> stephanie: speaking of what is in the bible. it lets god-fearing husbands feel good about punishing wives. ask your lovely wife what she thinks about this later? >> she might like it. >> stephanie: what happens when you combine 50 shades of gray with fundamentalists, spank for jesus, a movement. it's a household arrangement in

which men dominate using divinely approved spankings. christiandomesticdiscipline.net. the husband has authority over his wife within the bounds of god's word and enforces that if need be with spanking. >> barbarians need to be disciplined. >> stephanie: oh, boy. >> you must understand barbarians need to be educated. they need to be disciplined. >> stephanie: okay. christiandomesticdiscipline.com, is a male-lead christian marriage and has means to back up his authority usually by

spanking. >> so it's about keeping your woman in line, not about fulfilling her needs. >> stephanie: right. well -- >> well. >> stephanie: -- this sounds more like not having a caring partner -- this sounds more like keeping your partner in line. >> stephanie: a beginning packet instructs husbands on how to best control their wives. experts however shockingly view the household arrangement as almost than the symptom of disturbed minds. christian domestic discipline appeared to be more of an unhealthy and distorted way to express sexual desire. >> you think? >> stephanie: he said a relationship that infantilizes a

woman clearly draws a more pathological group of people. [ applause ] >> stephanie: yeah it seems like that. >> seems like a desperate attempt to have control. >> yes. >> stephanie: yes. all right. we were saying bill press had a wine tasting on his show -- somebody really falling down on the job in producing on our show -- >> hey! >> except we would go through a whole case. >> stephanie: right. if you could drink box wine. ♪ if you could drink box wine love, what a part you could tell ♪ ♪ just like that [ inaudible ] from the radio show from hell ♪ ♪ where you reach the part where

free content comes, the hero would be me ♪ ♪ [ inaudible ] ♪ >> stephanie: oh, dear. ♪ [ applause ] >> stephanie: oh, mike. you are far from a zero. fantablous. >> yeah. >> stephanie: and shorter an the edmond fitzgerald. >> stephanie: yes, it is. hello, charles. >> caller: hi. first of all -- i'm sorry, i haven't been paying attention to progressive news lately because i have been caught up in this heat mania. >> stephanie: and congratulations to the heat. >> caller: thank you, but now i

got some disturbing news this morning. i had to turn the tv on and watch some regular news, and i found out that the republicans, along with the new immigration bill, they want to flood the border with troops. >> well, with border agents. >> caller: would they be paid by the federal government? >> yes. >> caller: and steph am i correct in what i have heard lately, over the past couple of years, that we have been saying that most of the states like where i live in miami, don't have an economy, and basically they live off of federal money right? >> who -- >> caller: i said most southern states with these southern borders, most of these governors they don't have a real economy. there is no industry here. >> stephanie: they take more out of the federal government than

they put in unlike most blue states that put in more than they take out. >> caller: exactly. my point is imagine with these border agents, that would only boost their economies, and if you think we have a problem now in trying to bring them to the table, you know, as far as negotiating with them, imagine, you know if they have a sort of fledgling economy, along with these federal dollars that are consistently going to be coming in. and if you flood the border with these agents forget about ever reducing it. because they always go back to the point where they need us. >> i think adding a few more border agents is going to not have much effect on the economy of a state. >> well, look at these states

that have these prisons they are building and that's an industry within it's a. >> stephanie: yeah. that's true. jim has talked about that before. >> yeah, you have financial incentive to arrest people. >> but i think the southern border does require a few more agents. and that's where the compromise is coming from regarding the immigration bill. >> stephanie: i'm sure it has nothing to do with taking an ass whooping among latinos. >> yeah. >> stephanie: cindy in michigan. >> caller: hi, stephanie, chris, jim, and happy vacation and i will send you off on a very happy note. i'm native american and my

tribe yesterday performed their first same-sex marriage, and this is somebody maybe jacki might know more about, that there are a number of tribes across the country who are performing same-sex marriages. by tribal counsel tend to be conservative on this issue when they would talk amongst themselves, and yet they did vote recently to allow for same-sex marriages on sovereign tribal land. now i'm not sure how it scans out with spousal rights across the country, but we are considered sovereign. we do have our own government, and there are a number of things the indian tribes can do in association with the federal government, but we are basically like our own government. >> which tribe do you belong to? >> the potwata indians in

southwest michigan. and michigan enacted a constitutional amendment on a boll lot initiative, and they enacted against same-sex marriage. the way it's read in our tribal law is that marriage is constituted as a consensual -- i think it said marriage -- instead of saying marriage is only between a man and a woman. they say marriage is two between consenting adults for life or however they say it. >> stephanie: yeah, cindy it's just more evidence, i think -- it's just a sea change that is hitting every part of our society. look at lisa mercowski.

>> caller: and that might be influenced by tribes. >> stephanie: that's true. thank you for that. yay. hooray for that. [ applause ] >> stephanie: that's the most romantic thing i have heard since pokohontus. >> i may have some relatives in that part of the country. >> stephanie: from the chippewa on down. okay. forty-five minutes after the hour. right back on the "stephanie miller show." >> announcer: there's a tea party in her pants, and you are invited. call now. 1-800-steph-1-2.

>> she gets the comedians laughing... >> that's hilarious! >> ...and the thinkers thinking. >> okay, so there's wiggle-room in the ten commandments is what you're telling me. >> she's joy behar. >> and current will let me say anything. >> only on current tv. (vo) this afternoon, current tv is the place for compelling true stories. >> jack, how old are you? >> nine. >> this is what 27 tons of marijuana looks like. (vo) with award winning documentaries that take you inside the headlines, way inside. (vo) from the underworld, to the world of privilege. >> everyone in michael jackson's life was out to use him. (vo) no one brings you more gripping, current. ♪

♪ mr. d.j. won't you tell -- >> announcer: stephanie miller. ♪ i want so more oh mr. d.j. won't you tell -- >> announcer: stephanie miller. >> stephanie: it is the "stephanie miller show." comedian, carlos alazraqui live in studio hour number three. 1-800-steph-1-2 the phone number toll free from anywhere. this hour brought to you by carbonite. if you don't have it, pore kay? i keep remaining you how important it is to back everything up in your computer. you have photos and contacts business documents, a book music, if you have not signedup

for carbonite, do it today, sign up and receive six additional months free. it backs up everything to the cloud automatically whenever you are connected to the internet. don't be an oh no letter. go to carbonite.com now and type in the promo code stephanie, and get six months free. the promo code is stephanie. 1-800-steph-1-2 the phone number toll free from anywhere. gary in alabama. hi, gary. >> caller: hey, how are you today? >> stephanie: good, go ahead. >> caller: i was watching c-span yesterday about the border guards. that's the dumbest idea since like the iraq war. >> stephanie: why? >> caller: and one other thing

if they really want to make the economy boom all you have to do is forgive all college debt to all of these people that have gotten an education, have them invest that money into the economy like buy a house or car, and the economy would boom. >> good idea. >> caller: hey enjoy your vacation. love your show. >> stephanie: thank you. >> he didn't answer your question. >> stephanie: that's all right. i'm used to it. senator bob corker. >> some people have described this as a border surge. we are investing resources into securing our border that have never been invested before. >> stephanie: all right. senator john honean of north dakota. >> we'll provide more manpower more fencing, more technology,

and those resources must be fully deployed and operational before green card status is allowed. >> stephanie: i was quoting this piece from michael tomasky whom i going to date and kiss and marry from "the daily beast." >> is that what you are going to do on your vacation? >> stephanie: yes. now i have blown the surprise. everybody thought after newtown we were going to get something done on gun control, and deweren't. and he wrote this piece today talking about today's gop versus tomorrow's gop on immigration. it diverges. the house republicans are their own island of misfit toys. >> their own soup. >> stephanie: exactly.

i'm not sure this has any precedent, a party that electorally, demographically has so isolated itself. because they have gerrymandered these -- he calls them snow white districts, all they have to worry about is someone running to the right of them. we are nearing the push comes to shove moment where we're about to see if this bill can pass. and that's all we have heard so far. and i have said i don't know if it is ever going to be enough border security for some of them. >> build the dang fence. >> stephanie: anyway, unless the border is secure -- he says there is something illogical at the heart of the border secure argument. unless the border is security the 11 million will have to wait

and wait and wait. that's like saying current pot offenders can't get out of jail until the marijuana trade is stopped. so anyway, the vast majority he wrotes of the gop house members and a small majority of senator know voting for this is risky politically. we heard a michele bachmann rally, and most of their thoughts consist of -- >> herp derp! >> stephanie: yeah someone actually yelled hey! you speculated his name was mongo. >> mongo! ahhhhh! >> stephanie: and thus we have it something that would obviously be good for the party in the long run, it gains risk

in the short run for these house republican, whatever they -- [ cuckoo clock chimes ] >> stephanie: like mongos. this is the idealogical ho moj nows districts they have drawn for themselves. if the bill gets through the senate will he defy his caucus here and now. he has as we know a wildly uncontrollable caucus as it is. >> it's colored like a chee toe. >> big orange caucus. >> stephanie: if he does he is probably finding his last term as speaker if he doesn't -- >> either way he'll be crying. >> stephanie: that's right.

>> in a somewhat related story, barack obama is preparing to make what could be the biggest environmental move of his presidency, he is planning on implementing significant rules on environment, and it doesn't require approval of congress. >> stephanie: wow. okay. well-known southern bell lindsey graham. >> we will have a border patrol agent every thousand feet on the border, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. >> stephanie: he is butch on everything. >> wolf! look at how secure the border is to me. >> stephanie: and senator

grassley. >> it's about time in washington that we quick making empty promises particularly on immigration, and particularly when we have the experience of 1986, because i was part of those promises and we screwed up. >> stephanie: oh, he took it like a man. the immigration debate continues, we have that and carlos alazraqui, and much more as we continue on the "stephanie miller show." ♪

>> look jacki schechner, hairy anti-pervert stockings. a photo that took china's twitter, whatever thing by storm this week. it claims to show the country's latest fashion trend. anti-pervert full length stock stockings. >> someone showed me that yesterday. they are nasty. >> stephanie: yeah but that

will keep the dudes from bothering you. >> is that a real problem? like somebody had to invent those because it is a real problem? >> necessity is the mother of invention. >> stephanie: here she the smoothest silk leg, jacki schechner. >> good morning, everybody, turns out edward snowden may not have been as honest as possible when applying for a job. according to reuters snowden convinced screeners he was telling the truth when it came to details of his redd indication. he said he took computer classes at johns hopkins. they have no record of snowden. liverpool says snowden

registered online in 2011, but didn't active and certainly didn't complete it. the senate hearing yesterday turned up evidence that the u.s. office of personnel management show that usis may not have been as thorough as it should have been in investigating snowden. now nobody scream but howard dean tells cnn he is open to running for president again. he said if other politicians don't address the issues concerning to him, he would consider running for office again. we're back after the break. ♪

>> if you believe in state's rights but still support the drug war you must be high.

>> "viewpoint" digs deep into the issues of the day. >> do you think that there is any chance we'll see this president even say the words "carbon tax"? >> with an open mind... >> has the time finally come for real immigration reform? >> ...and a distinctly satirical point of view. >> but you mentioned "great leadership" so i want to talk about donald rumsfeld. >> (laughter). >> watch the show. >> only on current tv. (vo) this afternoon, current tv is the place for compelling true stories. >> jack, how old are you? >> nine. >> this is what 27 tons of marijuana looks like. (vo) with award winning documentaries that take you inside the headlines, way inside. (vo) from the underworld, to the world of privilege. >> everyone in michael jackson's life was out to use him. (vo) no one brings you more documentaries that are real, gripping, current.

♪ ♪ it's a beautiful day ♪ ♪ don't let it get away ♪ >> stephanie: it is the "stephanie miller show." oh, great, there's always some air disaster right, or near disaster before i go fly on vacation. >> a jumbo jet near miss over the skies of new york. >> stephanie: yikes. i'll have to check with transvaginal bicurious airlines before i go. >> wouldn't it be awesome if that same woman was on your flight? >> stephanie: oh, no. >> hi, i haven't slept since we

met. [ laughter ] >> she sounds like a harvey's bris bristol cleaner. hi i have knives. >> stephanie: we're both from their era where we get the crystal cream jokes. that was the original tv slot. >> harvey's chris it will cream. >> stephanie: hiiiii. that was very forward for a woman in the '70s, my word. >> is your name harvey. >> stephanie: the guy was probably like do you have a cold? why don't i bring some nyquil. >> why do you sound like brenda bicaro. >> stephanie: she sounded like she smoked the tampons, didn't she. [♪ circus music ♪] >> yeah. >> stephanie: all right. who is going to miss me?

i bet ya audra is. yes, sir. >> it's that time again. >> oh. >> vacation time for stephanie and the mooks. >> uh-huh. ♪ wherever you are going, we wish you well ♪ ♪ wherever you are heading, we know you have to go ♪ ♪ just one word of advice before you hit the road ♪ ♪ don't talk to strange ladies in airport bars like you did one before ♪ >> can i kiss you? ♪ and even though we will miss you, we will survive ♪ ♪ we're going to miss you, miss you, miss you ♪

♪ farewell, we're going to miss you ♪ ♪ we will survive ♪ >> stephanie: okay. fine. fine. fine. >> all right. >> stephanie: all right. [ applause ] >> stephanie: we can't leave without the overwrought vacation song. uncle hal and aunt jacki will be in here. in the meantime stephaniemiller.com, you can email us all there but not on vacation. >> no. >> there is one deniable truth these actions can only hurt our ability to recruit foreign source sources. this result is no different than the outing of valley plain. we will never know who has died or stopped cooperating thanks to these [ censor bleep ] holes.

[ applause ] >> stephanie: ivan in west palm beach, steph those who are being called the tea party left thinking liberals would rather than nsa collect this data than the corporate jackels. the new fear mongering from the left is as tinfoil hat as crazy as michele bachmann. this could easily keep them from voting. >> you choose to do business with a business. you don't choose to do business with the government. >> stephanie: right, but he makes a point, they collect your information to sell it to other people -- >> right. but you don't have to do business with them if you don't

choose to -- >> stephanie: but his point is at least they are trying to protect us. they are not trying to do something bad. >> but with corporations [ inaudible ] the governments -- the public sector are merging, and the -- the private sector is winning. >> stephanie: well, yeah. >> so -- >> stephanie: as we have said i think that's another huge problem. >> uh-huh. >> stephanie: larry in new york on the border. >> caller: hello stephanie, how are you today? >> stephanie: good, go ahead. >> caller: this republican amendment on the immigration issue. i was watching a short meese on msnbc with chris hayes and he was talking about this is going to cost somewhere in the neighbor of an additional $30 billion, and nobody is talking about where the money is coming from. these are the same people that have been screaming for years

about getting the debt down -- >> stephanie: you are talking about for border security -- >> caller: yeah. >> stephanie: i was thinking that when we just played lindsey graham. i'm like yeah that's a lot of agents. >> caller: and one of the other things was over the last two or three years, the net increase in illegal aliens has been virtually zero. >> stephanie: yeah. >> caller: that the level has leveled off, there are as many leaving as coming in. >> stephanie: uh-huh. there is an element -- the house republicans, larry let's face it. they have to some degree a zenophobic base they have to play to. >> caller: yeah, and we need to talk about term limits and that would be one limit.

you go there, you do what you came to do, and then you get out. >> stephanie: yeah, i hear ya. rob in albuquerque on border security as well. >> caller: hey happy vacation to all of you guys. you definitely deserve it. >> stephanie: thank you. we are hanging by a thread, and we need vacation thank you. >> caller: maybe not as hard as our immigrant friends -- and this is the one thing that is troubling me, is that we're on this attack to militarize our border, ta i really think it's a give away to the military industrial complex, and the prison complex, because once you catch these folks they are going to go to private prisons. they have built a bunch of prisons here in new mexico and i have a feeling that's where these immigrants are going to

get stored away. if they build a 16-foot fence we're going to get 16-foot ladders. >> stephanie: all right. marco rubio. >> if you look at what is being proposed here, this is a dramatic expansion and improvement on border security. >> stephanie: oh, he got through that whole big thing without a big gulp. good-bye. [ glugging sound ] >> stephanie: panicky water drinker. the tiny elfen senator jeff sessions. >> we have got to have a system we can count on in the future. >> i believe we should house them in trees and have them make

cookies. >> stephanie: i'm just concerned about how low. he does have cute little ears. >> they are adorable. >> stephanie: okay. and the boner. >> it's border security and confidence that we have got the border secured before we begin to go down this path of addressing both the legal immigration issues and the illegal immigration issues but regardless the house is going to work its will. >> i need tequila. >> stephanie: i underestimated how difficult it would be to say -- with this much merlot. kerry in seattle. >> caller: morning steph and the mooks. can we talk about miss paula deen? >> stephanie: yeah, i was on cnn last night talking about her. >> caller: paula dean

incorporated is worth probably what $500 million? this lady is suing for a million, and corporations settle these cases all the time specifically so they don't have bad publicity. what i think is fascinating is she clearly is fighting this out of principle. you know she thinks there is nothing wrong with having weddings filled with black house slaves. >> stephanie: yeah, when i read that whole transcript these guys did the springtime for hitler faces. she is like wouldn't it be precious if we just had a bunch of tap dancing little n-words. >> and she said of course they used that word in the 60s. >> and she only used it for bad black people. >> caller: yeah, she is going to lose gazillions of dollars over

this. >> i don't think if it is going to hurt her that much. because her base -- >> caller: yeah, that's true. the south shall rise again. >> stephanie: that's what someone said on cnn last night. everybody was renaming her recipes racist names. >> yeah clue clucks clams. >> caller: and i saw somebody on twitter saying she voted for obama. you know she voted for obama. it's like oh stop she would rather die than vote for obama. >> stephanie: right. >> unless he's wearing shorts. >> and tap dancing. >> stephanie: oh, no. like the guy on lawrence welk. that guy. loved him. [ applause ] >> stephanie: okay. >> all of the old white people in the audience applauded.

>> stephanie: oh, look at that. oh, they are so good at that sort of thing. okay. eighteen minutes after the hour. right back on the "stephanie miller show." >> oh, come on, you have got to admit this is cool. >> announcer: it's the "stephanie miller show." ♪

we had record sales. >> these are workers who have no rights. >> we work all day, every day and night. >> walmart can correct the violations. the walmart model works.

♪ ♪ see i am -- >> announcer: stephanie miller. ♪ and i would like to say hello ♪

♪ >> what? ♪ say what ♪ >> stephanie: it is the "stephanie miller show." oh, thank god we can go on with our lives. kanye west and kim kardashian have named their baby north. >> yes which would make her north west. >> oh my god! >> stephanie: jim said they should have named her seattle or portland. somewhere in the north. wow wee. this hour brought to you by wix.com. if you have a business you know you have got to have a website. people do not take you seriously, unless you have a professional-looking website. it is free w-i-x, wix.com, check it out. over 30 million people have built their businesses with wix. completely free. requires no design or coding skills. hundreds and hundreds -- literally of

designer-made templates to choose from. you can do it yourself with your drag and drop site. >> and they are gorgeous. >> stephanie: express who you are and what your business is all about. manage all of those familiar web services in one place, clients will find your site very easily it is sco friendly you didn't even know you could do it at a low cost or free like this. maybe you can't afford to invest in marketing, wix has the answer, wix.com, check it out. wix.com. do it. oh, look, hate mail. >> oh? [♪ fun-facts music ♪] >> stephanie: it's very long. jim writes i must comment again about you in your own words a slutty bob hope. bob hope never a slut for sure, and the troops must hate

you, but you make me think more of lucy on drugs than bob hope but it's true though you are a queer. i wish i still lived in burbank, so i could picket your office you and the zombies that work for you. [ applause ] >> stephanie: i wish you did do. >> also incohair ent verbage. zombie, nazi kenyan. >> stephanie: could you take your organ out, please. [♪ organ music ♪] >> stephanie: christian radio

show bashes -- oh this guy, we have played him as well. rick wilds was flattered that rachel maddow used him to talk about everything that is wrong with right-wing radio. the radio host talked about locusts following president obama to israel and accusing him of sodomizing the nation. >> i'm trying to picture -- >> stephanie: bend over america. >> hope, you ben over america. >> stephanie: right. this is what this corner of conservative talk radio is like all the time now. it's not just a one-off thing. this is the whole schtick now. she's right. i discovered that msnbc's socialist news commentator sound

bited me on our program. thank you, rachel. but the people that watch your show do have a visceral hate for jesus christ and christians. a man of lawlessness is in the house with. and most of the american christian church has yet to realize the scope and depth of this hate that is boiling within the administration except once again the president is christian. it is the same spirit that rose up in the nazis in germany. this time it will be the christians in america who are locked up or put to death. >> right. you figured out our plan. damn you. >> stephanie: always the drama queen. okay. >> guy. >> stephanie: wow, okay. speaking of -- check this

out -- [♪breaking news theme♪] >> stephanie: margaret doubty, an atheist and permanent u.s. resident was told by immigration this month she has until friday to officially join a church that prevents violence or she will be rejected -- she said i'm sure the law would never require a 65-year-old woman like me to bare arms, the truth is i would not be willing to bare arms. so -- yeah she received the ultimate um after stating on the application she objected to swearing to bare arms. they reportedly told her she needed to document she was a

member of a non-violence religious organization or be denied citizenship at her hearing. >> wow. >> stephanie: wow. >> that sounds like it was a lower level staffer that really didn't understand the constitution. >> stephanie: you think. >> i'm sure once they called the manager over -- >> stephanie: can i speak to a manager, please? this is not the extra crispy. twenty-nine minutes after the hour. right back on the "stephanie miller show." ♪ young turks! i think the number 1 thing than viewers like about the young turks is that were honest. they know that i'm not bsing them for some hidden agenda, actually supporting one party or the other. when the democrats are wrong, they know i'm going to be the first one to call them out.

cenk on air>> what's unacceptable is how washington continues to screw the middle class over. cenk off air i don't want the middle class taking the brunt of the spending cuts and all the different programs that wind up hurting the middle class. cenk on air you got to go to the local level, the state level and we have to fight hard to make sure they can't buy our politics anymore. cenk off air and they can question if i'm right about that. but i think the audience gets that, i actually mean it. cenk on air 3 trillion dollars in spending cuts! narrator uniquely progressive and always topical the worlds largest online news show is on current tv. cenk off air and i think the audience gets, "this guys to best of his abilities is trying to look out for us." only on current tv!

if you believe in state's rights but still support the drug war you must be high. >> i think the number one thing that viewers like about "the young turks" is that we're honest. i think the audience gets that i actually mean it. >> you're putting out there something that you're proud of. journalists want the the story and they want the right story and the want the true story. >> you can say anything here. >> i spent a couple of hours

with a hooker. >> your mistake was writing a check. >> she never cashed it! >> the war room. >> compared to other countries with tighter gun safety laws our death toll is just staggering. >> the young turks. >> the top bankers who funneled all the money to the drug lords, no sentence. there's just no justice in that. >> viewpoint. >> carl rove said today that mitt romney is a lock to win next pope. he's garunteeing it. >> joy behar: say anything. >> is the bottom line then that no white person should ever, ever, ever use the "n" word? >> yes! >> only on current tv. ♪

>> all i want to do is spend my days listening to -- >> announcer: stephanie miller. . >> -- talk and sing and scream at her cleaning lady on the phone. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: it is the "stephanie miller show." why can't i have chicken pepperoni. >> we're mixing movies there. >> stephanie: right. how long does it take to make chicken pepperoni? [ applause ] >> seems like old times. >> stephanie: right. >> yes. >> stephanie: love it. >> one of the best movies ever. >> stephanie: tim reminds me the lawrence welk tap dancer his

name was author duncan. i have entirely too many '70s things floating around in my head. >> yeah, and it was brought to you by geritol. >> stephanie: and i should be taking it now. >> it is like centrum silver today. >> it's probably burr ban with some herbs in it. i feel so much better. >> stephanie: oh another hate letter. [♪ fun-facts music ♪] >> stephanie: you are not a true liberal. you are a capitalist liberal. >> you are a small business owner. >> stephanie: i have to eat. okay. sure you say you believe in helping others and will if it

benefits you in some way. >> well, that has always been true. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: i need a vacation. ♪ vacation ♪ >> stephanie: only another hour and a half until vacation. harry reid talk about immigration reform. >> you just have to understand this is not easy to do but i think we have a path forward. >> stephanie: okay. awesome. >> yeah. >> stephanie: all right. although -- you never no with the boner around. >> if we don't have a secure border none of this is going to work. >> stephanie: he seemed a little drunker lately. i think he did underestimate how difficult it would be to say ahhhhh -- >> higher, build the dang fence. >> stephanie: okay. by the way john boner on the

debt ceiling. we're going to have a negotiation. [ screaming ] >> stephanie: he is going to do it again. >> oh boy. >> stephanie: he and his giant uncontrollable caucus. he said he would negotiate a debt ceiling increase -- oooooooooh -- with spending cuts potentially setting up another fight with president obama and congressional democrats. he said i could say the sun's not coming up tomorrow, but guess what it is. he said we're spending more money than we are bringing in. really? the deficit is coming down at a record pace -- >> that's why we have to start doing something different! >> stephanie: even europe has said all right, you were right about the austerity thing. if we are going to raise the debt limit then we have to do something about -- >> blah, blah blah blah. >> stephanie: so we're going to

have a debate and negotiation. we should just stay on vacation and play the same tapes again. >> we could. >> stephanie: thoughtful chin scratch. okay. kevin in d.c. on paula deen not literally because he is black. >> caller: oooooooooh! [ laughter ] >> caller: oh, god, steph. >> stephanie: yes, sir. >> caller: but anyway, i -- i also want to briefly say i also watched with my grandmother, you just reminded me of a bonding moment watching the lawrence welk show back in the day. i was young and didn't know better. >> stephanie: yes. wonderful. wonderful. wonderful. >> caller: i guess i shouldn't be surprised with miss dean but intellectually i run into this

all of the time because of my shade. >> stephanie: and you are a lovely shade, may i just say. >> caller: well, thank you. but i didn't know she was that whack doodle. >> stephanie: yeah, that was stuff that you thought, no oh really? that was like oh my god. >> caller: what the! >> stephanie: my favorite part is when she said i would like to hire a bunch of tap dancing, shorts wearing little n words, i probably can't though because the media will be all over me. >> caller: you know in the past i have given you little good-bye raps but that was so overwrought and perfect. i love your show and i'm already going into withdrawal but it makes me happy -- >> stephanie: you are so cheesy. you should join our show and we

could call it cheesy and the crackers. [♪ circus music ♪] >> caller: for the right amount of money i might think about that. >> stephanie: love you, miss you. see you in a week. we're off to -- >> come on honey let's go. >> it's all waiting for you here at scandals resort. >> oh scandals. this will be fun. >> when you say at scandals everything is includes from your fast and furious lunch to your benghazi mai tai, relax in our sensory deprivation tank or get the same effect from watching fox news and if you and your partner want to really spice things up, there are 22 adult-theme channels, such as

tie me up and impeach me. come to scandals resort we give you the attention you need for those screaming for attention. scandals. [ applause ] >> stephanie: thank you, kids the whole gang. you know sometimes the simplest ideas are best. jim, i think you have said this and now chris van hollen has come up with it a simple fix to the irs. "the daily beast" writing, they are filing suit against the irs that requires them to follow the law that finds tax extemp status -- he said you don't have to be an english major to know

these groups are politically based. that's the whole scandal. please, the tea party. mason in ohio hello, mason. >> caller: good morning, sunshine. >> stephanie: good morning moon shine. >> caller: i to tell you are not allowed to go on vacation unless you pack me in your suitcase and take me with you. that's what it is going to cost. >> stephanie: oh, my. okay. go ahead. >> caller: i have been watching c-span, and i want to know if you think the republican party are trying to lose all of the elections coming up in 2014 and 2016? >> stephanie: well, they are doing a good job if they aren't. how much clearer do the results have to be, right?

>> caller: yeah absolutely and they just completely ignore it. we not only have that one immigration, which boner already said he is going to kill it as soon as he sees it. he did say he was going to bring it up, and now he is not going to bring it up. >> stephanie: which bill? >> caller: the immigration bill. last week he said i'm going to bring it up on the floor. yesterday he said, no it's not going to pass. it's not going to get the votes, so i'm not bringing it up. and it's sad because they have already killed the dream act. >> stephanie: the house republicans are like a condom with a hole in it. they are completely useless. they are passing abortion bills that aren't going to go anywhere, revealing health care for the 37th time they aren't

doing any legislating that will effect anybody, right? >> caller: right. and the farm bill within itself is kind of a nightmare and failed miserably which is a bittersweet thing, because now the farmers dealing with all of that doubt are now further stuck in the hole. they had an amendment that they passed that wanted to drug test recipients of food stamps. and if they failed they didn't get any food assistance. i think i said if passed -- pay no attention to that. they hate women, they hate immigrants -- >> stephanie: but they are all behind the tiny faster baiting

fetuses. that's the subgroup that needs protection protection. >> caller: that's absolutely right. i don't know what has gotten into their head that makes them think they have to play to this sliver of their base but everything they talked ariel castro at their convention we need to get immigrants women, and poor people on board, and what do they do? they go the opposite direction. >> stephanie: yep. yep. exactly. all right, honey thank you. lots more to get to, forty-five minutes after the hour. carlos alazraqui coming in live in studio as we continue on the "stephanie miller show." >> and now here's something we hope you will really like. noups it's the >> announcer: it's the "stephanie miller show."

>> she gets the comedians laughing... >> that's hilarious! >> ...and the thinkers thinking.

>> okay, so there's wiggle-room in the ten commandments is what you're telling me. >> she's joy behar. >> and current will let me say anything. >> only on current tv. ♪

>> announcer: stephanie miller. ♪ is a dancer ♪ >> stephanie: it is the "stephanie miller show." welcome it to. fifty minutes after the hour. 1-800-steph-1-2 the phone number toll free from anywhere. well now we're getting into our usual prevacation show we have stumbled into lawrence welk land. [ applause ] >> we'll just do it. >> thank you very much now here is an attractive couple gail farrell from oklahoma, and dale from iowa. let's listen to gail and dale

and one of the newer songs. ♪ >> here it comes. ♪ one toke over the line sweet jesus, one toke over the line ♪ >> oh, my god. >> but jesus was in it. >> oh my god. >> stephanie: that could have been in honor of marijuana being legalized and gay marriage in washington state. >> yes. one of the newer songs. >> stephanie: this is what all of the kids are listening to. >> they had no idea what a toke was. ♪ where the blitzcrig raged ♪ >> stephanie: and also this came in.

♪ if you could dream box wine love, what a fart joke you could tell ♪ ♪ just like that old time pollster from the radio show from hell ♪ ♪ when you reach the part where free content comes, the zeros would be me ♪ ♪ the zeros work for free ♪ ♪ and you will hear that [ inaudible ] ♪ ♪ do, do, do, do ♪ [ applause ] >> stephanie: thank you rocky mountain mike. you're not a zero. oh by the way, michael from the naval under-sea war fair center writes, steph the hate mail you

received from that hill billy is wrong, i'm on a submarine base right now, and we listen to your show every day. [ applause ] >> cool nice. >> stephanie: mike awesome. [ sonar ping ] >> that is killing a lot of whales too. >> stephanie: jim ward says the most amazing things. so does carlos alazraqui. he'll be here in a minute. chuck hagel not so good at comedy. he made an unfortunate joke that did not seem to go over very well with his audience. during a q&a session, he decided to take a question from the

crowd. he spotted a man in the back of the crowd, and said you are not a member of the teleban are you. he said mr. secretary, i'm robin gandhi, i'm assistant professor at the university. [ crickets chirping ] [ applause ] >> i see what you are doing. okay. very funny. >> he pressed the any key. >> stephanie: okay. that is hilarious. thanks so much. >> have you tried turning your modem off. the joke might be funnier if you turned off your modem. >> i should press which key? >> press any key. >> stephanie: i don't see an any key. >> no, you are missing the point. [ applause ] >> stephanie: oh, the teeny tiny drones that might be coming in

our house. >> and up your butt. >> stephanie: right? fbi director said the nation's top fbi uses drones to conduct surveillance on a very minimal basis. he was talking about tiny drones. didn't they use one for christopher dorner out there. i will tell you our foot print is very small. see. we have very few in limited use, and we were exploring the use and the necessary guidelines for the use. they help police the united states border with mexico, and he went on to say, as to the person who admitted taking this disclosure they have made significant harm to our nation and our safety. i just saw a new pew. >> pew. >> pew! >> stephanie: right. poll that the majority of

americans think he should be prosecuted. so we shall see. wow, that new pope is popy isn't he? [♪breaking news theme♪] >> stephanie: he is a hip popester. he blessed thousands of harvey davidson's before the papal mass at the vatican -- >> papal. >> stephanie: what did i say? >> papal. >> stephanie: i don't care i'm drunk. >> was that necessary? >> stephanie: i don't know. there's a gay grinder app for gay priests. >> gay priests isn't that kind of -- >> stephanie: their official position of course is against homosexuality -- >> which position would that be? >> their unofficial position is on their knees. >> stephanie: oh my buddy howie

is joining fox news. no don't go to the dark side. the anchor of cnn's reliable sources, he will anchor a version of what is now called fox news watch. >> that has been a long-running show. >> do it live! >> stephanie: right. and he will serve as an on-air analyst throughout the week. >> do you think you'll be welcome on that show? >> i don't appear to be welcome on any fox show. i don't know what it could be. [ crickets chirping ] >> stephanie: call me. >> i think you are a victim of that really famous pr flak that works for fox news. >> stephanie: which one. >> irena something or other. gawker follows her story all the

time. >> stephanie: let's try to book her. >> apparently she is a bitch. >> stephanie: oh now you have really torpedoed my chances. they put me on probation for a while, and then they let me back on. [ explosion ] >> and then you told neil ka beaudoin that he can't practice journalism. to his face. good on you. >> stephanie: right. carlos alazraqui live in studio next on the "stephanie miller show." ♪

[♪ theme music ♪]

>> stephanie: all right hour number three carlos alazraqui on his way in. hello, well-known cat owner, jacki schechner. >> oh no. >> stephanie: an indiana mom thought she was being fairly straightforward when she asked the baker to decorate her daughter's cake with a little cap. and they put a graduate cat on her head. >> they misheard her. >> a cat with a diploma. >> stephanie: thank god they

didn't totally disinterpret it it could have been like a porn cake. >> you need a vacation. >> stephanie: i do. here is jacki schechner. >> in california more than 3,000 progressive activists have gotten together to talk about issues and actions and best practices. while president obama hasn't attended the gathering since he was a presidential candidate back in 2007, but for the second year in a row he had sent a video. sgloovrjs i need you to put pressure on members of congress and make your voices heard, just like you have always done. we won't always agree on everything, but if we work together i'm confident we'll keep moving this country forward. >> president obama cites shoring up the economy boosting education, and helping stop lies about the affordable care act as some of the areas where we'll

need help. senator markey is now up 20 points going into the special election. the former massachusetts senator scott brown is going to help out gomez on monday night. mccain and giuliani have thrown their support behind him. in the past couple of weeks, president obama, first lady michelle obama, and president bill clinton have all checked into the state to show support. we're back with more show after the break. ♪

>> if you believe in state's rights but still support the drug war you must be high. >> "viewpoint" digs deep into the issues of the day. >> do you think that there is any chance we'll see this president even say the words "carbon tax"? >> with an open mind... >> has the time finally come for real immigration reform? >> ...and a distinctly satirical point of view. >> but you mentioned "great leadership" so i want to talk about donald rumsfeld. >> (laughter). >> watch the show. >> only on current tv.

♪ it's a beautiful day ♪ ♪ don't let it get away ♪ >> stephanie: uh-huh. it is the "stephanie miller show." welcome to it. six minutes after the hour. 1-800-steph-1-2 the phone number toll free from anywhere. last hour before vacation, we need a little pick me up. >> that's good coffee. >> stephanie: coffee with carlos alazraqui. >> i'll have a kenya cappuccino. >> i was going to make express sew. >> good to the last drop. >> stephanie: oh carlos we apologize, we have been talking about the immigration bill all

morning, and i'm like really, you booked carlos alazraqui. [ mock spanish talking ] >> aren't you argentinian? >> my parents are from argentina, but i'm an american first! >> you guys are ready for vacation, travis called you and said we need you carlos alazraqui, on my carlos thrown high above burbank. >> stephanie: and jim was in our bathroom -- carlos was our original voice guy, and we used

to prerecord "the voice" bits. and you would say -- waky waky. >> hands off snakey. >> i wasn't in the womb. >> it is so sad how now parents have to say, when was the first time you caught your kid masturbating? two-one weeks before he was born. >> stephanie: he was born with hairy palms. >> no he was just whacking. thank you for having me on the show. we're going to make it. >> stephanie: right here we go. i always find a story about a dog -- [ dog barking ] >> you didn't even have to cue me. >> far away snoopy, please.

>> wooooooo. [ laughter ] >> if only he would have texted me last night, i could have worked on it. >> stephanie: this combines two of our favorite impressions, far away dog, and stoner bob. >> oh, nice. you are way off. >> stephanie: long time drug sniffing dogs are having to unlearn how to alert their owners to marijuana since it is now legal. >> tin tin toasted. hah hah hah hah hah. what is your dog's name? 420? [ laughter ] [ laughter ]

>> mr. hand. >> stephanie: so carlos? >> yeah. >> stephanie: what do you think about this whole nsa thing? >> i was talking to travis about it? i think it's -- when bush did it i was opposed to it. i can't say i'm for it per se but it's the times that we live in, the world we have made our own bed as it were. if we're overseas in other countries trying to help if we have troops overseas military bases everywhere, we are going to get some enemies that come here we can't stop them. they have stopped some terrorist plots, so it's something we have to live with it. >> it's a mixed bag. >> i'm not over the moon about it, as they would say in other parts of scotland. but i'm fine. i ain't doing nothing. i ain't doing funny things. i can understand why people are

upset, and i should run for office because i'm right down the middle. >> stephanie: wow, and voices too. >> yeah. >> stephanie: a lot of this does have to do with technology that we have willingly given up so much of our privacy. >> yeah, it's almost like the argument of nuclear weapons. how could they get in the hands of bad guys? >> well what did you think pandora when you opened up that box. of course it will be mishandled. >> stephanie: speaking of paula dean -- >> i am whiter than paula dean actually. >> stephanie: we have gotten into a lawrence welk ditch for some reason -- oh because paula dean saying she wanted the tap dancing little n words. and we were saying they took even white songs and made them

even whiter. >> oh, i didn't want you -- >> stephanie: yes. >> it's okay -- my daughter has grown up to watching lawrence welk's version of the chicken dance. >> stephanie: here we go. ♪ hey there, georgia girl swinging down the street so fancy free ♪ ♪ nobody could ever see that ♪ >> they took the whitest song in the world and made it even whiter. >> stephanie: rocky mountain mike said he knew a woman that loved lawrence welk and she watched it until the black tap dancing guy came on and then she turned it off and never watched it again. that's how racist she is. ♪ they there georgia -- >> put some lotion in the

basket. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: that's how they find it. ♪ >> go away! leave daddy alone. [ dog barking ] >> stephanie: see carlos can do the serial killer and the dog. >> it's the john lennon sisters. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: that would be funny. >> we have a japanese wife too. >> stephanie: all right. all right. snooki -- ♪ >> stephanie: really? [ dog barking ] >> help! help! >> they are standing in front of a fence and playing drums on the fence. >> stephanie: yes, as you do. it's the lennon sisters. >> i say we don't need to build

a fence, i think we need to build the great wall of china, we'll just buy it from china, and slap it on the border of russia, i mean china wait i'm talking about the dark immigrants! not the slovanians if you are white come if you are black, we'll send you back. go back. we're going to take you by force. [♪breaking news theme♪] >> stephanie: snooki, formerly of jersey shore has a 10-month-old, and she revealed she is praying she has a gay little boy. she spoke at a trevor project --

>> i don't think she has a choice really in the matter. >> stephanie: now that i'm a mom, i'm so grateful for the trevor project, because i'm praying i have a gay little boy one day. >> she can start a program called pray the gay in. >> stephanie: right. >> i want my daughter to marry stephanie miller, or ellen degeneres. cha-ching. my daughter needs a sugar momma. >> stephanie: thanks very much. little bit old, but that's all right. >> hang on stephanie. hang on! >> stephanie: remember the founders of exodus that ran off together in a gay way. i think carlos and jim did a bit on that. >> those types are on a format -- >> stephanie: wow! >> that we have no way of playing anymore. >> the nsa has those tapes.

just call them. >> i'm sure they do. >> hello nsa. >> sure here is the bit. >> here is the bit that is going to make me spy on people right here. >> we sure don't have it. >> but they almost certainly have the bit that got us knocked off of the air? >> what was the bit? >> jesus christ super stud. >> huh oh. >> stephanie: what the hell were we thinking back then? >> yao guys are loopy. it's almost over. >> you noticed. >> stephanie: tiny animated birds. it looks like we'll have a supreme court ruling on monday the leader of exodus international has apologized to the gay community. i love that. sorry, our bad. >> and just like marcus bachmann jhe looks gay. >> stephanie: he is still

married to a woman. >> i can't put up with you people because you are bastard people. >> stephanie: he said it's time to put the weapons down. last year, chambers who was married to a woman, but has spoken openly about his own sexual attraction to men, said he was trying to distance himself from the ministry. >> do you think it's volunteer or anthony weaner type photos are out there -- >> stephanie: oh, somebody hit the lights party is over. yes. he said i hold to a biblical view the original intent for sexuality was intended for a heterosexual marriage, however, i realize some fall outside of that. >> even if you interpret the

bible literally, you must admit that the liable, probably most of it fiction, we can argue that, it was not written by people that were experts on human sexuality, so even if they have opinions, they are not meritable. they are not worthy of anything. >> stephanie: yeah somebody sent me a lot of bible verses about a lot of people that needed killing. >> right. >> stephanie: much more to get to on all of this. eighteen minutes after the hour we continue coffee with carlos on the "stephanie miller show." >> a mecca of misdemeanors. ♪ >> only on current tv.

(vo) next, current tv is the place for compelling true stories. >> jack, how old are you? >> nine. >> this is what 27 tons of marijuana looks like. (vo) with award winning documentaries that take you inside the headlines, way inside. (vo) from the underworld, to the world of privilege. >> everyone in michael jackson's life was out to use him. (vo) no one brings you more documentaries that are real, gripping, current.

we had record sales. >> these are workers who have no rights. >> we work all day, every day and night. >> walmart can correct the violations. the walmart model works. ♪

♪ all i want to do is -- >> announcer: stephanie miller. ♪ i got a feeling i'm not the only one ♪ ♪ all i want to do is -- >> announcer: stephanie miller. ♪ until the sun comes up over santa monica boulevard ♪ >> stephanie: it is the "stephanie miller show." twenty-three minutes after the hour. 1-800-steph-1-2 the phone number toll free from anywhere. this hour brought to you by carbonite, you know how important it is to keep all of the stuff in your computer. pitches. >> yeah, i had a show called devious gardners and i want to trim your plant! >> stephanie: yeah. >> i want to water your hedges.

you have water porfavor. >> stephanie: she if he didn't have carbonite he would have lost all of that. whether you have one computer or several, you can get 18 months for the twice of 12. >> wow. >> stephanie: do it now, go to carbonite.com and type in my offer code stephanie. that's carbonite.com, the offer code is stephanie. carlos that is a tragedy. >> i know eva longoria, i know how i'll get back at tony parker, i'll make a series about latino women sleeping with all of the white folks. that will do it. >> i have to apologize, i should have said [ speaking spanish ]

>> stephanie: right. thanks for that. >> i'm learning more spanish by watching soccer in spanish. >> stephanie: the marriage equality ruling will probably be monday, it looks like. we should -- apparently if he we are paying attention to the bible literally we would have to kill all unwed mothers, rape victims, and disobedient children. >> annihilate! kill! kill! kill! >> shut up! shut up! shut up! >> and people who eat pork and shrimp sandwiches while wearing polyester. >> yes.

>> stephanie: we need cherry pickers to go through the bible. >> and they are white and legal and paid a decent wage. i say build a huge fence, of course we'll have to use illegal immigrants to build the fence, but what about people who hire them? they are stealing my $1.25 a week job. >> oh, my god! [♪breaking news theme♪] >> stephanie: cher has given advice, and offered advise to young artists. you are screwed. she said you don't deal with it. you just try to get to a place where no one can find you. i have a fabulous house that i love, and it's my sanctuary. >> like jody foster. >> i have my dog max bring me

make fan male. everything is happy. wow, jim, take a look at jackie stallone. wow, she is 91! [ screaming ] >> she is. >> stephanie: she said plastic surgery has left her looking like a chipmunk. >> after you. >> oh, no, after you. >> thank you. >> stephanie: she said i have actually had too much plastic surgery. do you think? >> she doesn't look like a squirrel or somebody you would try to cook her up -- >> she is a psychic, right? >> stephanie: right. you would think she would have known. >> who could have foreseen this. >> she said i have had too much i look like i have a mouthful of nuts. >> calling eva longoria a knew series for you. >> stephanie: i have no information whether marcus

bachmann has had too much plastic surgery. it's juviderm. it's a filler. makes her look like she had a mouthful of nuts. >> oddly she looks younger than sylvester stallone. >> stephanie: she does. >> hey pauly! [ banjo music ] >> i love when they do their dueling impressions. james gandolfini very sad. he -- the soprano's restaurant today a tribute to them and recognized his passing by reserving the booth where tony

soprano may have had his last meal. >> well, on tv. >> stephanie: i saw they had an autopsy, and it was natural causes. >> it happened to a very close friend of ours -- my former agent, he was 48 years old, great shape, road bicycles, and he was coming back from a hike one day, and that was it. it may not have been attributed to his drug use or his size. >> stephanie: let's talk more as we continue after the break on the "stephanie miller show." ♪

this show is about analyzing criticizing, and holding policy to the fire. are you encouraged by what you heard the president say the other night? is this personal, or is it political? a lot of my work happens by doing the things that i'm given to doing anyway, by staying in touch with everything that is going on politically and putting my own nuance on it. in reality it's not like they

actually care. this is purely about political grandstanding. i've worn lots of hats, but i've always kept this going. i've been doing politics now for a dozen years. (vo) he's been called the epic politics man. he's michael shure and his arena is the war room. >> these republicans in congress that think the world ends at the atlantic ocean border and pacific ocean border. the bloggers and the people that are sort of compiling the best of the day. i do a lot of looking at those people as well. not only does senator rubio just care about rich people, but somehow he thinks raising the minimum wage is a bad idea for the middle class. but we do care about them right? ♪

>> announcer: stephanie miller. >> she is so amazing, i have to listen. >> are you sure that's the type of person you want as your life coach? she just seems a little off. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: it is the "stephanie miller show." thirty-four minutes after the hour making startling new discoveries here in the studio carlos alazraqui discovered the noise his chair makes sounds exactly like jackie stallone. >> i'm having some meatballs. i don't know if you can hear my chair. that's me chewing. that's my face. [ applause ] >> stephanie: thank you, carlos. we're there close to vacation. [ whistling ] >> come on stephanie, it's

almost vacation! [ laughter ] >> which way did he go? which way did he go? >> stephanie: that's like that creepy guy from the pirates of the caribbean that you do. >> oh, yeah. >> stephanie: guess what is back? the romney car elevator. >> why? >> stephanie: they are speaking about not being able to get your car elevator in time because of permitting problems. [ baby crying ] >> i could only park 47% of my cars. >> stephanie: ann romney spoke at a town council meeting to speed up consideration of permits to expand the family's coastal home. >> ann romney: stop it. this is hard. you want to try it get in the ring. this is hard. >> stephanie: oh, the car

elevator. ♪ no need to ask, it's a car elevator ♪ ♪ car elevator ♪ ♪ car elevator ♪ ♪ car elevator ♪ ♪ car elevator ♪ rz >> stephanie: ann romney stepped to the microphone this week and said my name is ann romney, and i'm here to express concern with the city of san diego's permitting process. the issue is that the permit process was slow due to defects with the public outreach. the la jolla home cost $12 million, and the romneys put

a hold on plans to level the home and build home triple the size with a car elevator. and this is taking entirely too long. and who can't rethrough it that? >> 47% of the country? >> stephanie: everybody. everybody. illinois republican official resigned from his leadership post tuesday amid outrage over an email in which he berated a biray shall former miss america as a street hooker. >> you streetwalker. that's an all lady term. >> stephanie: it has created a new riff for republicans. he insulted a woman and a

minority. >> hey bitches! come over to our side. >> gypsies tramps and thieves, you half breed. >> stephanie: he referred to her as a streetwalker. >> but isn't a love child better than a hate child? >> sure. >> got to make more white babies. pump them out, come on! you are my baby, and you need to make more baby's for me. >> stephanie: what about the products of hate sex? the blogger said our party has a huge branding problem nationwide, this guy's attitude sets us back. not really. it's a confirmation as to why women and minorities don't take the republican party seriously.

you think? >> stephanie: dana you are on the "stephanie miller show" with carlos. >> caller: hey, guys. i wanted to call and say happy vacation. have a nice relaxing whatever you decide to do enjoy. >> stephanie: thank you. >> caller: and over do it of course with your box of wine. i love that song. i had to go to the emergency room the other night. i have panic disorder and it can be often mistaken for a heart attack or stroke because you really feel like you are dying sometimes. you get tingly -- >> rapid heart beat. >> caller: yeah and it was really bad the other day, and it cost me $250 for a copay, used to be 25. and i was there almost seven hours waiting when i went to the nurse to talk to her, she was yelling at me, and she said you think it's bad now, wait until

obamacare kicks in. you think we don't have enough staff and this and that, wait until your president, you know -- i just thought it was so absurd, and i said to her, if they would stop spending money because they thought my kid was masturbating in my uterus, maybe our money can be spent elsewhere on improving health care. >> stephanie: yeah, we just did a health care corner with jacki this morning. and we were talking about all of the money already going back to people in rebates, and that's the thing a lot of the people that continue to try to throw all of this crap at the wall about obamacare, they are going to be proven wrong when they see what happens. >> and i thought it was unethical for her to say that, also. >> absolutely. >> caller: i don't see how the care can get much worse.

>> do they have beta blockers. >> caller: i know. that was my point, spend less on trying to pass these ridiculous abortion bills, and spend more on trying to get jobs, jobs, jobs. >> i cannot inject my morality into somebody else because that's the law of the land but this is a three-pronged sort of problem. if you are opposed to abortion i can sort of agree with that, but you must not be opposed to free condoms and free birth control for everybody. i am emotional about it, because i am a father now, but i cannot inject my morality on to somebody else, because if you are poor, and you are complaining about, i can't eat, well, don't have five kids. how can you help prevent that? by giving you free birth

control. if i'm going to judge you, maybe i should be in favor of helping you. >> stephanie: yeah, we were talking about james gandolfini, and health issues and stuff. and chris you were saying about oh i'm surprised everybody said they were shocked, and i think you were referring to his weight and reported drug use -- >> right. >> stephanie: but the autopsy came out and it looks like natural causes. >> which can be a heart attack. >> related to heart disease which is the number one killer in women and men, i suppose, and could be related to stress, who knows. >> sure. >> stephanie: and obesity has just been classified as a disease. but it does remind you of chris farley, or -- >> franchesco was not obese? >> stephanie: yeah.

>> you can get heart disease without being over weight. >> stephanie: it is always great when someone exactly your age dies of natural causes. >> you are 50 aren't you? >> 51. aren't i? >> you are like a dyson, the incredible -- never loses suction -- what is this thing on? it was like mrs. potato head where you had to put newer pieces on because you lost the old ones. >> yeah. >> stephanie: i will soon be the little old lady that has a dancing poodle. >> mommy had a bad day at the clinic. somebody laughed at her and said wait until obamacare, so i slapped her, and they through me out, it cost me 250 on copay.

>> stephanie: before you die, you must see carlos do the arthritic poodle -- >> i'll be doing it on stage in arizona at the improve, 7:00 friday, 7:00 saturday, i'm doing seven minutes as part of the festival. >> stephanie: fabulous. and now a story about a bear. [♪breaking news theme♪] >> stephanie: gawker bringing us a cautionary tail chris. bears who figured out how to get in to trucks, abandon all hope. >> they pull off the plastic -- >> we're talking about black bears. >> stephanie: yes, that is a freakin' bear opening the freakin' door of a are truck. what if it learns how to hot wire the car.

>> mitt there is a bear in the car elevator. >> stephanie: the three year old bear's break in is not a common behavior, but it is occurring, four bear jackings have been reported in the area. >> now we know where the bears are. you see, because -- >> planet of the bears. >> stephanie: hopefully they will just eat all of our neighbors to the north get tired and then hibernate. >> the romneys say i had the loveliest thing happens to me -- >> if bears can break into cars this is bad news for anybody parked at silver lake. [♪ circus music ♪] >> stephanie: look at you with the bear jokes. >> grrrr. >> stephanie: this is also a headline you can only read in canada. canadian truck explodes after

hitting moose. sets off the most canadian firework show ever. it took place on the trans-canada highway, near wawa ontario, have a firetruck struck a moose and exploded. [ explosion ] >> why did the moose cross the road? to start a firework show. oh, again? that joke never works. >> stephanie: all right. we'll continue with carlos alazraqui on the "stephanie miller show." >> and now here is something we hope you really like. >> announcer: it's the "stephanie miller show."

you know who's coming on to me now? you know the kind of guys who do like verse mortgage commercials? those types are coming on to me all the time now. >> she gets the comedians laughing... >> that's hilarious! >> ...and the thinkers thinking. >> okay, so there's wiggle-room in the ten commandments is what you're telling me. >> you would rather deal with ahmadinejad then me. >> absolutely! >> and so would mitt romeny. >> she's joy behar. >> and the best part is that current will let me say anything. what the hell were they thinking? >> only on current tv.

>> "viewpoint" digs deep into the issues of the day. >> has the time finally come for real immigration reform? >> with a distinctly satirical point of view. if you believe in state's rights but still believe in the drug war you must be high.

>> only on current tv. ♪

>> announcer: stephanie miller. ♪ but i don't care ♪ ♪ too weak to ask -- >> announcer: stephanie miller. ♪ -- and i still haven't gotten over you yet ♪ ♪ vacation all i ever wanted vacation time to get away ♪ >> stephanie: woo-hoo! >> i'm ready for vacation. >> stephanie: yeah. yeah. yeah. it is the "stephanie miller show." welcome it to. we will be on vacation next week. hal sparks will be filling in. jacki schechner will be live in studio here with them. have fun everybody, be good. >> what are we leaving now? >> stephanie: no. >> i'm going to juggle? >> stephanie: we are having coffee with carlos alazraqui, as we do. carlos alazraqui we go way back

don't we? everybody, everyone? not only my original voice guy, you were one of my sketch players on my late night tv show. >> i was a regular, regular. >> stephanie: julie -- >> paramount bitches. >> that's right. i used to come in to the windsor gate. look at the visitors having to wait. >> stephanie: julie feeling nostalgic, i know you did the late night tv thing in the '90s and frankly america was not ready for you. that's what i'm going with. >> apparently we're ready for danny bonaduce. >> and neither was that drug-ridden audience. how you doing? there is a show down there. >> stephanie: yeah. okay. i think -- [ ♪ patriotic music ♪ ] >> stephanie: i have learned it is not good to be ahead of your

time it's good to be on time. but with leno retiring and fallon considering taking over the tonight show would you consider bringing your show to late night again. >> let's do it. i'll call james stevenson the third, and we'll do everything. remember how well we were paid back then. >> stephanie: yeah, an agent said to me this was the worst deal that was ever done with anyone in the history of late night tv. >> i would be on a stool, and be like ladies and gentlemen, the "stephanie miller show." and then i would run and do sketches. and then the stephanie miller show was brought to you by da da

da da, and then later, it's okay, i can stay later. >> stephanie: yeah there was a parody about food cravings as a parody on nine and a half weeks. and then they lost the tape. >> was somebody fired? >> stephanie: i don't know. john boehner officially has no control over his caucus. he suffers another embarrassing defeat at the hands of his own party. they voted down a five-year farm bill with 62% voting no. the house -- largely over

objection to cuts to food stamps. and the republicans said the cuts should have been deeper. >> so deep that we cut food to baby's in the womb, he is not playing with his pee pee he is eating it. he is starving. i love just smacking down old eddie cantor. it's not fair that he was whacking the tether ball and it went all the way to the top. it's the democrats fault for smacking the tether ball over my head. it's not fair. come back, and we'll play best out of 75. >> oh, my bitch face is bitchier than usual.

>> stephanie: yeah you can tell his level of upset by how much his adam's apple throbs. >> yeah up and down. eddie de-cantor? [ glugging sound ] >> stephanie: carlos are we going to get this immigration bill done or no? >> given what happened with the farm bill it seems highly unlikely. and that 700 miles offense and the billions of dollars to build it is part of it, that's a stick sticky -- less -- end of the wire for the republicans. you want to stop latinos from coming in, and spend all of these billions of dollars when we could be spending it on infrastructure to build roads and trains -- >> stephanie: yeah. well-known southern bell lindsey

graham says the republican party will be in a death spiral. >> you'll have a border patrol agent every thousand feet on the border 24 hours a day, seven days a week. >> we have to stop evolution. it's a sad attempt to deny climate change and trying to build a wall. >> stephanie: that was lindsey graham channelling paula dean by the way. we don't have actual evidence that he used the words darkies. [♪breaking news theme♪] >> stephanie: hey, looky here, controversy in the israel army. naughty israel army return. female soldiers were in various stages of undress. this involves a video showing

female recruits putting on a strip show. it shows several women using a rifle as a stripper pole. one can be heard telling another, dance like whores on a pole. that is said almost every weekend at my house. >> i think it sounds less sexy in hebrew. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: carlos alazraqui thank you for coming in. >> thank you very much catch my show on august 9th. and the premier of plains. >> stephanie: have a great week, everybody, we'll see you in a week. bye. ♪

>> i'm jacki schechner. it's noon eastern, and here's what's current.

president obama is meeting for the first time today with a group called the privacy and civil liberties oversight board. it's been around since 2004 but by all accounts it hasn't been particularly active. when it started the group intended to gorner our right to privacy against .government overreach. but in 2007 on advice from the 9/11 commission, it became an independent agency. president obama nominated a bunch of members in 2010 and 2011, but congress just kept bouncing them back to him. the president appointed the head of the agency last month. today the president will meet with the d