[ ♪ theme ] >> stephanie: all right. hello tv land. comedian kathleen madigan live in studio all three hours. how exciting is that. good morning, juke. >> i have a confession. i'm racked with guilt >> sphanie: uh-oh. >> i missed the spin class over the weekend i had signed up for and i'm beside myself. [ ♪ dramatic ] >> do they charge you for missing it? >> stephanie: yes. >> they do? >> well, that's just money leaving your body. >> i know. i'm beside myself. i feel the need to repent and apologize to everybody i know. >> wow.

>> stephanie: you let down the team. >> are we going to get one of those awkward letters from you? one of those awkward phone calls? >> stephanie: i told her that our teacher, one of our favorite teachers called us boo-boos in class and that's mine and jacki's thing. she calls me boo-boo. she stole that from us. >> or not. we're going to pretend. >> stephanie: this is television packing material. >> it is all awkward. >> stephanie: good morning. >> so effective and important to everybody else. good morning, everybody. congress now in recess for the next five weeks and senators john mccain and lindsey graham are traveling to egypt at the president's request. they're planning to meet with the nation's interim leadership and try to nudge the nation back into an effective democratic process. >> the military can't keep running the cub. the brotherhood needs to get back into the political arena and fight your differences there and we need to put egypt back to work. if this continues, it is going to be a failed state.

that's why we're going. >> senator graham adds he would like the u.s. to be able to send aid to egypt but if we define what's going on there as a military coup, many would argue it is, we have to legally cut off some $1.3 billion in aid. more than do u.s. embassies and consulates around the world will stay closed through saturday due to online chatter indicating a possible terror threat. the diplomatics facilities closed yesterday. al-qaeda or its allies may be targeting u.s. or western interests. lawmakers are saying that evidence indicates this threat is one of the most dire since 9-11 and intercepted communication points to a major attack in the works. other western nations are also taking precautions. britain and germany are closing down their embassies. they were closed yesterday in yemen. they'll stay closed today. france also extending its closure through wednesday. interpol has put out a global security warning pointing to al-qaeda's involvement and

recent prison escapes in iraq, libya and pakistan. we're back after the break.

>> did anyone tell the pilgrims they should self-deport? >> no, they said "make us a turkey and make it fast". >> (laughter). laughing. >> that's the best! >> that's hilarious. >> ... and the thinkers thinking. >> okay, so there is wiggle room in the ten commandments is what you're telling me. >> she's joy behar. >> ya, i consider you jew-talian. >> okay, whatever you want. >> who plays kafka? >> who saw kafka? >> who ever saw kafka? >> (laughter). >> asking the tough questions. >> chris brown, i mean you wouldn't let one of your daughters go out with him. >> absolutely not. >> you would rather deal with ahmadinejad then me? >> absolutely! >> (singing) >> i take lipitor, thats it. >> are you improving your lips? >> (laughter). >> when she's talking, you never know where the conversation is going to go. >> it looks like anthony wiener is throwing his hat in the ring. >> his what in the ring? >> his hat. >> always outspoken, joy behar. >> and the best part is that

current will let me say anything. what the hell were they thinking? >> only on current tv. ♪ it's a beautiful day ♪ don't let it get away >> stephanie: it is "the stephanie miller show." welcome to it. six minutes after the hour. 1-800-steph-12 the phone number. comedienne kathleen madigan staggering up stairs presumably somewhere, wandering aimlessly but not looking for cigarettes. she's quit. although i'm going to guess, hungover. >> she's been known to have a cocktail or two. >> stephanie: comedians, late night people. very early here. it is technically --

>> stupid o'clock. >> it is six minutes after stupid. >> stephanie: we have a big show that may explode. we have our usual rude pundit and eric boehlert. we have al-qaeda chatter. >> because he's a member of the house intelligence committee. >> stephanie: you and i -- >> much better than the house herp derp committee. >> michele bachmann. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: until she leaves then it will be taken over by louie gohmert. >> or marsha blackburn. >> stephanie: exactly. and their friends in the doi professional caucus. >> which we did he go? which way did he go? >> stephanie: okay. our point is chris, you and i were talking about this. jim, you and i have talked about this. i admit to some partisan bias. when adam schiff says something, i tend to trust him, not just

because he's on my side of the aisle and he's my congressman from right there in burbank. >> throw a rock. and hit his office. >> stephanie: you hear saxby chambliss on "meet the press" and he's a republican. he said that chatter is as bad as before 9-11. >> you know, when he says something like that, to me, that's a big tummy rub for the nsa program. >> stephanie: i know. but then i can't help when i hear people that i trust whethe% it is al franken or dianne feinstein, if we get hit again because of that tool, rand paul, say good-bye to all of our civil liberties. and i include glen greenwald in that jack a lope. jim, you're sometimes on the side of this, i understand. that's the piece i was thinking. i think it might have been tomasky. talking about this. that's what he really fears is that if we get hit again, forget any of our civil liberties. that's why i think there has to be a balance between, you know, this nsa stuff and security. and i know i will get more

letters calling me a neocon. jim, you have to believe there are terrorists throughout that want to kill us. >> sure. >> stephanie: little disconcerting there are the prison breaks, al-qaeda people everywhere and anniversary of 9-11 is coming up this sunday. the end of ramadan. i think there is a reason. >> a month from sunday. >> stephanie: right. there was some reason they thought yesterday might have been a target. it obviously wasn't. we're going to talk to adam schiff. he can't tell us everything or he would have to kill us but he'll talk to us in hour number three about what is actually happening. look, everybody, kathleen madigan staggers in. there she is! right on time. good morning, precious. look at her whispering like no one can see her on tv. creep in late like it's catholic school again. good morning, precious pumpkin. >> let her get situated. >> i stayed up late watching shark week. i won't deny it.

>> shark week wasn't on cbs was it? >> no. >> what is sharknado week? >> stephanie: our listeners, the smartest people in the world. they know we can pitch things. we were the big fans of the sharknado. the movie. >> yes, i know of it. i haven't seen it. >> stephanie: this is -- edward has dolphinado. a tornado filled with horny dolphins. because they're a little rapey. >> i saw. there is a new article -- well, they say when you swim with dolphins -- >> you're asking for it. >> stephanie: you know you want it. >> might as well be bent over a pinball machine. >> assuming a pinball machine can float. >> don't make love. >> stephanie: that would be something for dolphinado.

>> why are you not on "america's got talent." >> america's got mouth noise. >> stephanie: good morning, kathleen madigan. >> we're so happy to have you here. >> i'm very happy to be here. >> i here iterrized you had -- i theorized you had stopped for cigarettes and i realized you quit. >> i quit. [ ♪ magic wand ] >> i quit three and a half years ago. it was hard. >> but i'm not happy about it. when people go congratulations like i had a baby that i like. i don't -- don't you feel better? no, i don't. i'm crabby. i've gained five pounds. get outta here! i'm not happy about it. and then i went to the lucille ball museum and she smoked until she was 78. i was like see? >> stephanie: are you going to start again? >> you can't show me things like

that. >> winston churchill lived on brandy and cigars and lived to be 96. >> back then, cigarettes were at a half cent apiece. >> stephanie: cheaper to get cancer. >> hell of a lot cheaper to get cancer. >> the people go smoking's expensive. it depends on how you look at it. yeah, they're $10 a pack but there's do in the pack so it is only 50 cents apiece. if someone followed you around with a tray of lobster on toothpicks and every 45 minutes they nudge you, you want one? 50 cents. no problem. break it down into pleasure and what do you love? >> stephanie: how long has it been? >> january, whenever i got my tooth pulled. >> stephanie: tell us the story again. there was a cautionary tale as to why you quit. >> well, this is the problem with the irish. we only respond to immediate threats. you realize that. long-term threats, whatever! >> stephanie: has to be a shell ailey of threat. >> in my face, if you smoke

after you get these -- i had two teeth pulled and bone graphs, they said a blood clot will form and then explode in your mouth and i said and how long would that take? and he said within 48 hours and it scared me -- the cancer didn't bother me. a stroke, whatever. i can write with both hands. i've got it covered. don't even need to go to rehab. but the idea of a blood clot bursting and then you have to redo it all. i hate -- i have more fear of the dentist than anything on ert ert -- earth so that's what did it. dry socket. it happened to him and he was a smoker. he said whatever you do, don't smoke? i said how many not smoke? what do you mean by that, patrick? he was like no, i mean none! i got it because i didn't listen either. it's horrible. >> he got dry socket.

>> stephanie: kathleen madigan, you travel quite a bit. [ ♪ "nbc nightly news" ] because you're not generally awake yet. >> i'm awake this morning though. >> stephanie: road warrior comedienne extraordinaire, saying no matter how bad -- maybe not as bad as dry socket but this is pretty bad. qantas flight from australia becomes poop plane from hell. a qantas flight from santiago to australia, that's 36 hours, everybody pooped for 13 hours in a near constant stream. >> came down with a stomach flu. the infected passengers were not just stricken with diarrhea, they were vomiting horribly. the entire flight. [farting sounds] >> i'm never flying again. >> stephanie: they have parachutes. [vomiting sounds] >> stephanie: hal sparks told

us that one flight was so bad, turbulence was so bad, every single person in the flight vomited except one guy who pooped his pants but that's the entire plane. >> for 13 hours. >> no place to stoop. ha i -- hawaii. >> there's 300 to 500 people in a pencil and we're -- we have no bouncer. i always think that, would you have a bar open with 500 people and have no cops? there's no one to call. if someone goes crazy, it is a free for all. it is literally a free for all. roadhouse and no patrick swayze to help anybody. >> stephanie: it is dolphinado. in the air. that's what that is. and then now, if you look at airline, there is little chance you have landing gear. >> well, yeah. >> tails first or right on the

nose wheel. those are your options. >> dive into la guardia, you might want to buckle up. i don't really know what i'm doing. i'm the first guy. prepare for weird. prepare for weird. >> stephanie: there is some chance you may get run over by an emergency vehicle even if you should survive. [ buzzer ] >> hey, i'm going to try something fun. i'm going to land right on the nose wheel. oh, that didn't go so well. >> stephanie: famous last words, hey check this out. >> southwest can say we can't crash. we just had a weird landing. they're the ones who say we didn't crash. we just didn't land it right. big difference. in a court of law, the lawsuit is very different lawsuit. if you're dead from the crash, you just got a little scared and freaked out.

>> stephanie: all right. we're going to pause briefly while kathleen madigan sucks whatever that adult lineation through that giant green straw. >> it is iced coffee. >> stephanie: as she gets nestled in for all three hours with us. 17 minutes after the hour. right back on "the stephanie miller show." >> announcer: for a good time, call now, 1-800-steph-12. you must be high. >> "viewpoint" digs deep into the issues of the day. >> do you think there is any chance we'll ever hear the president even say the word >> with an opened mind... >> has the time finally come for real immigration reform? >> ...and a distinctly satirical point of view. >> but you mentioned great leadership so i want to talk about donald rumsfeld. >> (laughter) >> cutting throught the clutter of today's top stories. >> this is the savior of the republican party? i mean really? >> ... with a unique perspective. >> teddy rosevelt was a weak asmatic kid who never played sports until he was a grown up. >> (laughter) >> ... and lots of fancy buzz words. >> family values, speding, liberty, economic freedom, hard-working moms, crushing debt, cute little puppies.

if wayne lapierre can make up stuff that sounds logical while making no sense... hey, so can i. once again friends, this is live tv and sometimes these things happen. >> watch the show. >> only on current tv.

current tv is the place for true stories. with award winning documentaries that take you inside the headlines. real, gripping, current. documentaries... on current tv. ♪ what you gonna do with all that junk inside your trunk ♪ ♪ i'm gonna get you drunk ♪ my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump ♪ ♪ my lovely little lump

>> stephanie miller. >> check it out. >> stephanie: i can help you with that. 21 minutes after the hour. 1-800-steph-12 the phone number toll free from anywhere. look at that shy little girl hiding behind the microphone, it is kathleen madigan. [ ♪ magic wand ] all three hours. what a little comedy treat. >> at this hour. >> stephanie: it is so rare because you're on the road so much. it is like a comedy sass squash sighting -- sasquatch sighting. >> stephanie: yesterday, i was at a league for dog show. i saw judy at the playhouse. too much female comedy. female funny all in one -- [ explosion ] it is like female comic dry socket. i might explode. if i'm exposed. >> i was in jamestown, new york at the lucy fest where they celebrate lucille ball and a lot of crazy people come dressed like lucy. >> men and women. >> from like asia.

>> really? >> they're making the haul. it is like graceland to them. it really is. >> stephanie: wow. i was doing what we would do in catholic school. i was showing you dirty things during the commercial break. it is in horrible taste and paul who sent it to me is a horrible man. it is a picture of a building it says turrets research institute. it says f'ing c word. >> it has turrets on the top. that's bad, paul. don't send me things like that. >> oh, by the way, here is a lovely thing. i also get love e-mails. we had a gal that called in friday who broke everybody's heart. marie has been out of work -- i'm sorry, she's a trucking dispatcher and anyway, their work has really shrunk and her husband is having health stuff.

it was heartbreaking. she couldn't find work and anyway, there was someone who lives in her area who's helping her. a woman from san antonio called friday, rolen, steph, marie got in touch with me. i've will already put her in touch with my husband to help her get help. great job to you and your staff to get them connected. her husband works on a trucking company in her area. there you go. >> it is like the angel network. i just made that up. i don't know it if it is the real thing. >> stephanie: every time a stephanie miller listener gets a job, an angel gets her wings. but that doesn't matter now because terrorists will kill us all. we're having representative adam schiff on the house intelligence committee in hour number three today because he was all over the sunday shows and i was saying, some partisan bias.

i think the worst thing dick cheney and the bush administration did to us is they made us skeptical of any kind of intelligence, right. they're just lying to get us into a war. they're trying to scare us. but you know, when al franken and dianne feinstein o and adam schiff say the chatter is bad right now. there are all of the prison breaks with a lot of al-qaeda guys that escaped. >> nobody said a whole lot about that. i'm like really? because after all u.s.o., i've been to baghdad 100 times. it's not getting any better. i voted for obama. i get it. but what are we -- i just say get out. run away. even all of the terror warnings now, i'm like i've never going there. i don't care. never going there. don't care. nobody's saying cincinnati. >> stephanie: chance you'll be the head of the chiefs. >> i was friend with him and he was nice. i don't have any -- i don't

understand -- >> observational humor in the sudans. >> i'm not slapsticky enough. i'm surprised tom sobel didn't book it. i don't understand why we're being told this. that's my question. why are we -- >> stephanie: that's what chris said. is this like a belly rub for the nsa program? >> looks how dangerous -- we're in a dangerous world. >> nsa program just had a bit of bad p.r. >> stephanie: and yet, you know, we do have terrorists that want to kill us. that's what i'm saying. where's the balance between civil liberties and security? you know. >> us is the people who -- the 28 people who have taken embassy jobs and they're getting triple the pay to be in danger. so everybody gets that, too. somebody died at our emwasy in -- at our embassy in cairo, you tooth took the gig.

you got -- you took the gig. i'm sorry. give the money back. >> stephanie: they closed all of the embassies. >> they're still closed. >> stephanie: there is some credible threat there would be something yesterday. >> from northern africa through the middle east. >> more places i don't have gigs. am i selfish? >> stephanie: it is a little me oriented, kathleen. we could get hit here in the homeland. >> well, if it's to pet the belly of the nsa and we get attacked here, then they look triple as bad. >> stephanie: is there a yuck yuck? >> i think is go bananas. >> stephanie: general martin deaf is i who is chief chairman who kathleen has no chance of replacing. >> it is an al-qaeda affiliated threat. it is of the al-qaeda branch. he intends to attack western, not just u.s. interests.

>> stephanie: it is al-qaedaish. >> i haven't heard that word used in homeland so i don't buy it. until it's in homeland, i don't buy it. >> until claire danes says it -- it is al-qaedaish with her crazy eyes, then i believe it. >> stephanie: here is me oriented. >> she would make a me face. >> stephanie: remember we did washington, d.c. sexy liberal, guess who asked for tickets, mandy patinkin because he said the whole cast -- fans and -- >> no way! >> stephanie: hi, claire. >> i saw the parody of it before i ever saw the actual show. oh, okay, that's what they're -- >> that makes me anxious but dexter doesn't. i have no problem with -- >> dexter is so lovable. >> stephanie: i understand you shot a man at the yuck yucks

once just to watch him die. >> i did then i kicked open a door. >> stephanie: and chopped him up. i have a friend who is in a virtual -- she's in a virtual panic she couldn't watch dexter last night. >> the time-warner thing. >> stephanie: they dropped showtime now. >> it could be months. >> stephanie: ironically, a lot of people may kill someone because they can't watch dexter. >> i hope bad things start happening because i need it back, too. >> stephanie: i hope you feel good about it. >> it is the final season. >> if somebody besides me that liked golf was under the age of 75, we would all get out of our chairs but it is just me and a bunch of 75-year-old white guys angry about this. >> stephanie: more kathleen madigan on "the stephanie miller show."

you must be high. >> i think the number one thing that viewers like about "the young turks" is that we're honest. i think the audience gets that i actually mean it. >> you're putting out there something that you're proud of. journalists want the the story and they want the right story and the want the true story. >> you can say anything here. >> i spent a couple of hours with a hooker. >> your mistake was writing a check. >> she never cashed it! >> the war room. >> compared to other countries with tighter gun safety laws, our death toll is just staggering. >> the young turks. >> the top bankers who funneled all the money to the drug lords, no sentence. there's just no justice in that. >> viewpoint. >> carl rove said today that mitt romney is a lock to win next pope. he's garunteeing it. >> joy behar: say anything. >> is the bottom line then that no white person should ever, ever, ever use the "n" word? >> yes! >> only on current tv.

>> did anyone tell the pilgrims they should self-deport? >> no, they said "make us a turkey and make it fast". >> (laughter). >> she gets the comedians laughing. >> that's the best! >> that's hilarious. >> ... and the thinkers thinking. >> okay, so there is wiggle room in the ten commandments is what you're telling me. >> she's joy behar. >> ya, i consider you jew-talian. >> okay, whatever you want. >> who plays kafka? >> who saw kafka? >> who ever saw kafka? >> (laughter). >> asking the tough questions. >> chris brown, i mean you wouldn't let one of your daughters go out with him. >> absolutely not. >> you would rather deal with ahmadinejad then me? >> absolutely! >> (singing) >> i take lipitor, thats it. >> are you improving your lips? >> (laughter). >> when she's talking, you never know where the conversation is going to go. >> it looks like anthony wiener is throwing his hat in the ring. >> his what in the ring? >> his hat. >> always outspoken, joy behar. >> and the best part is that current will let me say thinking? >> only on current tv.

>> a news report from -- >> stephanie miller. >> we haven't had one of those since they canceled passions. this should be good. >> stephanie: stephanie miller newscast starring kathleen madigan today. all three hours, live in studio. hooray. and also -- ♪ the rude pundit ♪ ooh ♪ papa, papa, papa >> stephanie: good morning, papa. >> good morning and good morning to kathleen. >> morning.

>> stephanie: a lot of funny all in one place. so weirdness, let's -- rudeness, thanks for snowden, now go [ bleep ] yourself. you're saying just another chapter in the story of russia trying to maintain the soviet-sized hard-on for a cold war. >> can we say that on the air? >> we did. >> yes, well, you know. i think it's fine. yeah, i'm making fcc judgments for you. >> sure, sure. yeah, you know, those of us that actually support snowden and what he did, think that okay, cool, you know. that's great that even though this is just -- putin is doing this is just another in an on-going -- comparison of penis sizes with president obama, that sure, this is fine. however -- >> stephanie: see we part ways there because i think he's a

jackalope. >> you think who's a jackalope? >> stephanie: snowden. >> snowden is a jackalope. he's a myth. you only see him every now and then? >> stephanie: no. i think -- even bradley manning and people talk about -- look, you can't release that volume of stuff and just say oh, it's okay. if he had just released the video, you know, of the -- anyway, let's not get on a sidetrack. my point is -- >> let's stay happy here. >> happy clappy. >> the kids will hide under the table. it will be terrible. >> stephanie: let's talk about the gay thing because obviously that's going to be -- a thing during the olympics as they say. you say, in other words, russia has no law against being gay. it has been a lot harder to exist as an lgbt person there and there have been mixed signals as to whether the law will be enforced during the olympics. the sports minister said yeah and the other guy -- you said he said hell's yeah, we're arresting queers. you said in a redneck russian

accent? >> yes. it is a translation of the kind of thing. by the way, can i pause here and say sports minister? really? there's a sport minister over there? we don't have that and we have every kind of administrative position possible. >> i wish we did. i would vote for a sports minister. there's a lot of things going on that are out of control. >> would it be somebody that oversaw everything? they would be above the commissioner of baseball? >> yes. my father is available right now. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: talk a-rod, some sense. >> why does he go et to play during a suspension? the minister comes in and says no! >> stephanie: that's where kathleen's dad comes in. >> he was a judge. he could do it. >> a sports commander in chief. >> we need it. >> then you would have to understand lacrosse. >> stephanie: which who does? nobody. >> it would actually be something that would get people to vote if they thought that appointing the sports minister

was part of the deal. >> it would be talked about on sports radio add nauseam then sports guys like lists. name me top three people for sports minister right now. >> that's it. >> give them something to talk about all year, every day for an hour. >> stephanie: dan would be aroused forever. [ laughter ] rude, i did not know this. the anti-gay propaganda law supported bies 88% of the russian people. >> they passed several laws already that again, not outlawing gay and lesbian behavior, whatever that means and however, you know, outlawing any adoption, even by gay and lesbian couples from outside of russia. outlawing the adoption of russian children. and then outlawing any -- essentially any public display of gay pride.

because you know, you can get arrested for wearing, you know, gay pride button because you know, the children. >> stephanie: because something blah blah blah, the children. we'll see how this plays out, right? i think some human rights organizations have written to john kerry to say you know, are gay people going to be protected basically? >> right. there has already been members of congress that have said -- this is ridiculous. we need a guarantee here. and you know, i think the figure skaters in particular need a guarantee. >> stephanie: what are you referring? >> i don't know. i don't think i'm inferring anything he's not stated clearly. >> stephanie: a good piece about the relative douche nozzlery of ted cruz. i had not heard this anecdote. he went on a bonding experience with fellow princeton students.

someone said cruz was such an unrepentant [ bleep ] head that several people discussed ditching him in the woods. >> yeah. this was actually told to me. this is not nothing -- this was told to me by a princeton student who was there at the time. and you know, it is anen he can dote. can be hypocritical but it sure makes sense that you would go on a trip with ted cruz and he would try to convince you to do all kinds of stupid things and you know, like hey, let's just -- let's just row this boat over the waterfall because you know, down below, there's -- i don't know, there's money. >> stephanie: well, as you were saying, there are several members of the senate as he calls it, surrender caucus that would like to ditch him in the woods currently, right? >> right, right. >> he's just making all kinds of trouble for them. it is him and rand paul calling out, calling the traditional republicans wimps and you know,

this is their frankenstein monster though. they're the ones that went over to the tea party fire, just started fanning those flames and then all have a sudden, they created these candidates that got elected and sorry, you know, maybe we need -- if you guys want to turn into the villagers now, fine. set them on fire. man, i went far with that metaphor, didn't i? >> stephanie: you really did. i don't know where you were going. >> i was going to tell the whole story of the frankenstein movie right there. we were going to the castle. >> stephanie: i was in the backseat, all right, is that where we're going? here's the thing. i suppose on our side, we should be cheering for this because you know, obviously shutting down the government a, would not stop obamacare and b, it would be a p.r. disaster for the republican party. i guess we should hope they follow ted cruz on this. >> sure. you know, even it's dividing republicans, too, which is more

fun to watch. even scott friggin' walker came out and said no, don't shut down the government. you know. i think somebody said how much blood is going to be spilled just to try to get rid of obamacare. yeah, there's -- this is the step too far. and but you know, now i love it. i actually said something kind of nice -- not nice but said that newt gingrich was at least honorable in his intentions. but now -- >> stephanie: not toward any of his wives. >> right. but about shutting down the government. he was like screw you guys, i'm shutting down the government. ted cruz was being weaselly about it saying if the government shuts down, it is obama's fault because he won't sign on to defunding his signature initiative. >> stephanie: why are you hitting yourself, obama. why are you hitting yourself? >> now, gingrich said no, no, i

support cruz. i support rand paul. it is good to know that at the end of the day, you know, newt gingrich is still just a -- wow, i can't think of a word that doesn't involve something i can't say. >> stephanie: exactly. somehow the fcc breaks one on there. we appreciate. so rand paul, his fellow tea party douche nozzle, i just -- one of my favorite sentences and i'll have to bleat my bleep -- rand paul looks like he's had enough weed at the frat house to agree to [ bleep ] the goat's mascot for $do. has continued to war with the establishment in this party. this is one of the best man fights ever between him and chris christie, right? >> it is. i love that -- what was it? paul said let's sit down for a beer and christie said go f yourself. i'm not sitting down with a beer with you, weirdo from the south. you know, i totally smoke a bowl

with him. i think the stuff that he would come up with while you were smoking with him, he would be off on all kinds of carlos things. >> stephanie: just aqua buddha alone. >> every cell in your fingernail is like one tiny little universe. wow. blew my mind, man. >> he came to my show in lexington. he came to the meet and greet afterwards. >> stephanie: no way. really? >> yeah. i did all of the jokes about his father right in front of him. i don't know if he laughed but his party of people laughed. then i couldn't believe how tiny he is. he would walk away, the artist formerly known as rand paul. he is really tiny. i would say maybe as short as me in heels so 5'1". >> stephanie: really? because his dad looked like a tiny little floating head in a giant suit during the republican -- >> all mini.

he doesn't have the giant head. >> why was rand paul wearing heels? i don't understand. >> we were both wearing heels. that's what was odd. >> i had the heels on. i think he had maybe the prince boots on. he had boots on because i remember the cowboy boots. >> stephanie: what were some of your jokes about rand paul? >> from the last election, there's a lot of people that, half of the time your father speaks. we all go well, he's right. and then the other half of the time your father speaks, he sounds like your crazy grandpa at thanksgiving where you go you can't do that or to make social security solvent if we killed every single person under the age of 33, we would be even. you're right but we can't do that you crazy person. they will run away. they're faster than us. we'll have to capture them and put them in catches. they can text one another. he can't catch the young people. >> stephanie: good thought, grandpa. >> it's true but it's not

plausible. >> the people in rand paul's party must have been cracking up thinking that's exactly what we say every day. >> they're very southern, real very, very southern and they were all very, very nice. he doesn't -- he doesn't really laugh a lot. rand. he's not a loosey-goosey ted kennedy type. let's put it that way. he's quite serious. >> stephanie: you did point out also he's from the giant -- >> wheel of right wing hypocrites. >> stephanie: look what you found, rude. a march '05 letter cosigned by paul begging for federal aid for tornado-plagued kentucky. >> that's right. who would have thought that when a disaster strikes your state, you would beg for money but when a disaster strikes other dave states, you would say it is gimme, gimme, gimme.

>> stephanie: a bacon king like chris christie, i guess. >> he signed it. mcconnell signed it and now he's slamming people who want sandy aid to rebuild. just beautiful. >> stephanie: yeah. gorgeous. rudeness, great stuff as always. talk to you next week. >> all right, bye. >> stephanie: see him next week. i cannot get the notion of the teeny tiny rand paul out of my head. >> he's tiny. >> if you bought him for your dashboard, he's the same size. >> maybe if he wore a purple beret. >> stephanie: or raspberry beret. 47 minutes after the hour. we continue with kathleen madigan. call the political party line now. 1-800-steph-12.

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♪ my sharona ♪ my stephanie miller >> stephanie: it is the "the stephanie miller show." comedienne kathleen madigan live in studio all three hours. very exciting. eric boehlert from media matters coming up and representative adam schiff from the house intelligence committee to talk to us about al-qaeda chatter. 1-800-steph-12. it sounds so harmless. >> he's all like and he's like -- >> omg, lol, really? >> it sounds like kid's chatter. >> stop the chattering. it is bedtime!

just background noise of nothing. nothing. >> stephanie: senator saxby chambliss yesterday. >> an awful lot of chatter out there. chatter means conversation among terrorists about the planning that's going on. very reminiscent of what we saw pre9-11. >> stephanie: that's what the bush administration did dplij. it makes you all skeptical of whether they're trying to scare us or whether it is real. >> and it makes us forget about the fact that they're not doing their real jobs. >> stephanie: right, there's that. >> not really doing their legal jobs. >> i just looked at the embassy. i don't think there are any comedy clubs. i read the whole list. madagascar, no. rwanda, not doing it. >> you have a good sense of human -- they don't have a good sense of humaner there. >> especially for $500 for air flat. >> stephanie: to say i killed in rwanda would not be good.

>> saudi arabia, not going there. especially the female comic. i don't think they're big on lady's night. although i have thought about the fact if i had to do tv over there, i would probably have to wear a burka and i would be happy. i didn't have -- i wouldn't have to do hair and makeup. i have nice eyes. let's focus on that. >> stephanie: melissa in pensacola, you're on with kathleen. hello, melissa. >> caller: good morning. >> stephanie: hello. >> caller: i am a bona fide born and raised democrat. but you know what? you guys -- i understand now why they say liberals whine so much. it is like you guys are never satisfied about anything. you make fun of george bush because he didn't listen to the chatter that was going on. because he didn't take it seriously, because he was offering a book.

now president obama, let's go in syria or let's stay in afghanistan or let's go into iran. he's not saying that. he's just taking precautions. precautions. closing embassies. so what does that have to do with anything. >> stephanie: did i -- i'm confused. wait a minute. what? i've defended the nsa program. >> caller: not you. i'm sorry. those two men on there. god, the only reason -- listen to your show is because of you. if i had to listen to them, god, no. >> you should just take us out back like old yeller and put us out of our misery. >> caller: you should. >> stephanie: thank you. and good morning to you two. >> start your week. [ laughter ] >> there's nothing to worry about. >> stephanie: whiners, whiners. >> everything is completely fine. >> stephanie: i agree with melissa. pat in california. >> send you down the memory hole. >> caller: stephanie, i love you

guys. you're the greatest but listen, ted cruz, i have some people that are bipolar and manic depressant in my family and i see what he has right now. this guy is -- i'm so tired of hearing people say he's a genius. he's a scholar. >> stephanie: ted cruz? yeah. >> caller: my brother is a scholar but he's got bipolar. he does all of these crazy things and he has the lows. he's depressed or whatever. this guy, he's good for us in a way but still. come on, you know. come on. don't tell me that he's -- >> stephanie: he's a wacko birth as john mccain would say. how about this republican interparty fight going on, kathleen. fight, fight, fight, fight. >> love it. >> stephanie: shove each other into the bleachers. >> they need somebody from the outside to tell them what the problem is. they're all too close to it. it is terrible you think, i would really like to tell you guys from an outsider's point of view, that part of your party

has been hijacked and you've got this part and then the tea party people and then most of the republicans i know aren't that people. you're not addressing those people. it is a mess. they're going to bring sarah palin back. what are you -- >> stephanie: they need an intervention. mcmanis wrote a piece in the "l.a. times," is the g.o.p. self-destructing. oh, is as in they haven't already? is that now a warning? >> now. >> they need an old man, not bob dole. he's too old. i don't mean moses old. i mean somebody that was respected that was in the middle. >> stephanie: that's john mccain. >> he's a little nutty. >> stephanie: here's rand paul and chris christie. >> if he cared about protecting this country, he wouldn't be this gimme, gimme, gimme all the money. >> maybe he should think about cutting the pork barrel spending he brings home to kentucky. but i doubt he would because most washington politicians only care about bringing home the

bacon. >> this is the king of bacon talking about bacon. if we can sit down, i'm inviting him for a beer. >> i don't have time for that at the moment. >> why don't you invite him for a delicious pork hot dog, right? you're talking about pork and bacon. >> stephanie: what did our caller call chris christie last week? oh, joey bag o doughnuts. governor joey bag o doughnuts. this just gets betterrer and betterrer. we'll talk about this. is the g.o.p. self-destructing. i love that. as if it's present tense as if it hasn't already happened. back with kathleen madigan, eric boehlert from media matters. much more as we continue on "the stephanie miller show."

[ ♪ theme ] >> stephanie: all right. hour number two. eric boehlert from media matters coming up. nurse jacki. >> yes? >> stephanie: shouldn't we be rooting for the wacko birds like ted cruz to shut the government down over obamacare because studies have showed a, it will not stop obamacare and b, it will be a public relations disaster. >> yeah, but i just wonder how far that public relations disaster will go because they've been pulling antics like this for so long and people are just kind of numb to them now, i think. >> stephanie: we're going to talk to eric boehlert about that in a minute.

this is where the mainstream media falls down on the job as usual. they don't really point out the context on how unprecedented this would be. it is more just infighting in washington. it is like no, it's not. >> there is a reason why the sequester was put into place because there was no compromise and nobody laid blame there. i don't know how much they have to do before people get on them and tells them it is their fault. >> stephanie: i'm a small business owner who stumbled upon my own show and now here's jacki schechner in the current news center. >> good morning, everybody. it is unclear but reuters is reporting a secret drug enforcement unit is using domestic surveillance to target common criminals. reuters says the d.e.a. unit in question is launching investigations based on info collected through wiretaps and intelligence interception and phone records and also in doing so, it is being instructed to re-create that investigative trail. this puts the accused at a legal and constitutional disadvantage

because if a defendant doesn't know the true source of information, he or she couldn't possibly investigate whether or not there were any mistakes made or incidents of entrapment. the reuters story comes from classified documents marked law enforcement sensitive reportedly distributed by the d.e.a. unit known as special operations division. while the justice department is so far refusing to comment, two senior d.e.a. officials tell reuters that re-creating the source of the tip that leads to an investigation is neither uncommon nor illegal. that the procedure has long been used to protect sources and investigative techniques. in other news, eric cantor, the house majority leader, is speak out about raising the debt ceiling saying that they could come to some sort of deal with entitlement cuts are part of the process. >> what raising the debt limit means, it's increasing the credit limit. and for too long now, washington has disregarded the fact that that -- what that does is it burdens our kids and theirs and we actually are digging the hole

deeper for the next generation. >> he fails to mention that hole would get rid of medicare and social security which future generations would need. we're back after the break. a lot of my work happens by doing the things that i'm given to doing anyway, by staying in touch with everything that is going on politically and putting my own nuance on it. in reality it's not like they actually care. this is purely i've worn lots of hats, but i've always kept this going. i've been doing politics now for a dozen years. (vo) he's been called the epic politics man. he's michael shure and his arena is the war room. >> these republicans in congress that think the world ends at the atlantic ocean border and pacific ocean border. the bloggers and the people that are sort of compiling the best of the day. i do a lot of looking at those people as well. not only does senator rubio just care about rich people, but somehow he thinks raising the minimum wage is a bad idea for the middle class. but we do

care about them right?

they don't have time for a whole letter. i think twitter is mean sometimes. my people aren't specifically. there are people that go for people that are just mean. because then you look and you go oh, do you this all day. it is not personal. >> stephanie: we get more done before 6:00 a.m. than most people do all day. you should move to some [ bleep ] abandoned house in detroit. if a bunch of these white slobs who have creepy ass -- would move there with you, you can have a creepy ass neighborhood. detroit a little piece of turd world africa right here in america. >> wow. that's a little haaseist. >> was that -- was that a little racist? >> that was for me. >> just for you? >> stephanie: just for me. >> it's a tie. >> stephanie: you know what i

think? because sean hannity mentioned me last week. >> did he. >> stephanie: i always get that. >> i saw that tweet. yeah, yeah. okay. all right. >> stephanie: speaking of right-wing world. >> eric boehlert from media matters for america doing the lord's work. ♪ hurts so good ♪ come on, baby ♪ eric boehlert hurts so good. >> stephanie: let's dive into the right-wing world. >> i don't know what that means. ♪ hurts so good >> stephanie: you know what? you tules ton a lot of -- you tulessen to a lot of right wing media. benghazi fever, another friday in right wing radio. >> we talked about the return of the clinton crazies, the speculation hillary will take a higher profile in terms of domestic politics after serving

overseas. so yeah, this is sort of the -- the embers are being lit, right? so the crucifixion -- it is a nice image, right? this is what we do with our public policy officials who we disagree with. of course, laura ingraham has been fueling the benghazi hysteria for almost a year now. it is what's to come. you know, last time, just real quick, in 2008, hillary had that competdiv race with obama and the right ring media wasn't sure who they wanted to win or lose. they held their fire in a way. if she runs in 2016, there will be no holding fire and we'll see crucifixion and weird kind of imagery. >> stephanie: dow hits record high. >> media matters took a look at fox's coverage of the economic

news last week. some of it was pretty encouraging. when it is pretty encouraging, it doesn't exist. that coverage doesn't exist. you would not know housing values shot up last year and hit a -- a seven or eight-year high. that doesn't exist at fox. so you know, if you can't talk about the economy and you're an all news channel, and you -- that kind of eliminates -- you know, usually a pretty big chunk of what you pay attention to. at least if it is headlines, if you let that, what do you fill the hole with? benghazi and the i.r.s. and all of this other stuff. >> stephanie: as you say, we hit 40. g.o.p. votes to repeal obamacare but you wrote a great piece about g.o.p. pushes obamacare shutdown, media pretends it is madness as usual. this is what i was talking about before the break. amazing how they just always -- here we go again with partisan warfare. both sides do it in washington. they have so successfully moved

the goalpost. it is not even funny. "the new york times" today has yet another story. they report that a lot of the republican governors don't want, you know, republicans in washington to shut down the government of obamacare. sort of mundanely referred to as the plan or the strategy or the push. my piece was like take two steps back and those words should be insane, lunacy, out of their mind. i mean think about it. they couldn't stop obamacare from passing into law. they couldn't stop the supreme court from legitimizing it. they lost two election electoral landslides to obama so they're going to bring the entire federal government to a halt so it can't implement a lot they can stop. and you read about it in the beltway press and it is oh, it's the latest plan. it is latest initiative. it is insane. it is completely insane.

just treated as oh, this is what the republicans might do. >> stephanie: more than that, eric be, you point out almost with admiration, to the surprise of no one who's followed the press's timidity toward the g.o.p. and its open admiration of republican hardball tactics, the news media has done little to explain how the gamut is. >> and it ties into the complete free pass they've given the g.o.p. over the radical obstructionist strategies that they've used for the last five years. just real quick, i mean i went back and googled 2007-2008, there are a handful of democratic members of congress who wanted to cut off funding for the iraq war. the democratic leadership quickly put the kibosh on it. it went nowhere. they wanted to specifically limit dollars that the defense department was using or that bush was asking for -- can you imagine if the democratic

members in congress went on tv for weeks and weeks and said we're going to bring the federal government to a halt? in order to defund the war in iraq? they would have been -- they would have been run out of town by the press. >> stephanie: right. that's what your point is. the g.o.p. has allowed them to move the goalpost in defining what, as you say, acceptable mainstream behavior. it just -- you say it appears there's no cockamamie strategy that they can ponder that the beltway press won't legit mise and take seriously. how we got here, that's how we got here, right? >> right. that's how we got to the government shutdown nonsense. it really is the g.o.p. just announces this is the lunacy where they're going to pursue and "the washington post" said okay. tell us what the lunacy is. we'll get a couple of quotes. instead of describing it as lunacy, it is a plan. it is a strategy.

it is a push. it is an initiative. just absolutely -- it just -- it enables this radical behavior. >> stephanie: eric, we were talking before the break. we were playing some sound of the whole rand paul chris christie fight. it is interesting to think how is this going to play out? someone was saying you could call it a civil war but they're not organized enough for that. what's going on in the republican party? just in the republican party. it is not unprecedented what they're doing with obama and the democrats. how do you think this is going to play out with republicans? >> i think that's the larger point that there is, you know, the -- there is no republican establishment. there are no wise men. there are no people who traditionally, whether democratic or republican party, sort of ran the game in d.c. and set up the guidelines or the guardrails in terms of this is how we behave. you know, the guardrails went down unlike obama's first inauguration day. and so it has been chaos ever

since. so yeah, look forward, looking ahead, without those guardrails, this is what you have, christie and paul and just sort of this crazy name-calling and it is going to intensify and i think 2016 is going to be a massive car wreck. because nobody knows what the rules are anymore because republicans have been so busy tearing them down themselves. >> stephanie: eric, the "l.a. times" says yesterday, perhaps the problem the republicans have is one of leadership. when asked to identify the leadership party, the first place winner was accurately enough, nobody. that's a problem. >> yeah. probably rush limbaugh came in second or third. that's been the other huge problem. the republican leadership is completely advocated itself to this right wing noise machine. they were completely defeated in early 2009. there was nothing left of the republican party really. so they said here, fox, rush

limbaugh, you take it. you be the opposition party. you come up with an agenda. you smear. you tackle bomb, call him a nazi, racist. do all of this stuff because ware spent. the problem is now, even if the republican wanted to, they can't take the reins back from limbaugh and fox news. they're like oh! we kind of like this. we're in charge. you guys follow us. and as we saw with romney, they followed them off a cliff. but yeah. nobody is in charge of the republican party. look at this -- the pending showdown. look at what boehner has to deal with. it is a total mess. >> stephanie: here's in right-wing world how you know we've come full circle, the voice of reason has become ann coulter. she went on hannity's show and railed against christie and paul for their bitch fight. >> look where she's railing on it. she's even dividing that by where she chose to make that appearance. okay.

so that's where you're going to say it? in another devil's den? you have to go somewhere else. if she went on cnn to say that, then it seems like she's speaking to everyone. >> stephanie: exactly. it is popcorn viewing, isn't it, eric? >> it is. you look at specifically paul versus christie, you know, really the winner will be determined by who fox backs and right now, they're not picking a horse in that race. it is playing out. but ultimately, it is a cable tv channel that's going to decide the winner of that fight just like they decide all of the other fights. then again it goes back to there being no leadership in the republican party and advocating to the role of people like sean hannity and bill o'reilly. >> stephanie: eric, great stuff. talk to you next week. thanks so much. >> okay, bye-bye. [ applause ] >> stephanie: yes, ann coulter said the reason chris christie started this little bitch fight

is to distract the fact that he and his senate nominee that he appointed in new jersey voted for amnesty. i'm pointing out that's what the bitch fight is about so don't fall for it, she warned. i love hannity for saying bitch fight. she was talking about democrats but just calling republican men little bitches that probably got his panties in a little -- >> that's not acceptable on that show. i wonder if -- back to the benghazi thing for a minute, trying to fan the flames on that since the election. the last two -- happened right at the end. and they've been trying to get that to catch fire and again, it goes back to this is all a reality show and if your show doesn't have any sexting or drugs or rock n' roll, general public is not on board with benghazi. i still don't know where it is. i'm too lazy to google it. i don't care where it is quite frankly. we know some people got killed well, they're c.i.a. people, isn't that kind of what is in

the program. >> stephanie: right. >> it is not going to catch fire. they have to find something new. it doesn't have anything people are interested in literally. >> stephanie: right. >> no pictures. there's nothing. >> stephanie: we haven't even talked about that yet. 18 minutes after the hour. we'll have some weiner talk with kathleen madigan next on "the stephanie miller show." >> announcer: call the political party line now, 1-800-steph-12.

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>> stephanie: it is "the stephanie miller show." with the brilliant kathleen madigan. you made a perfect analogy as to who rush limbaugh is. >> he's a producer on the bachelorette. >> all he wants is conflict. >> his show is boring if everyone is getting along and things are getting done. >> stephanie: exactly. jim -- sorry. [ ♪ "jeopardy" theme ] who said if doctors told mitch mcconnell he had a kidney stone, he would refuse to pass it. >> dr. kildare. [ buzzer ] >> stephanie: no. allison grimes who is ahead of him in the polls which is hilarious. speaking of hilarious, we were talking with eric boehlert about fox news. fox news doesn't get detroit piston joke.

it comes butt of many jokes. you've seen the first. joe louis. >> when the fine people of detroit woke up on thursday morning, they saw something peculiar sitting in front of the statue of joe louis' first was a giant can of crisco. it was created by an artist. they called it a magical vessel of hope to help ease the pain of detroit's bankruptcy. the giant can sat in front of the first for five hours while they tried to figure out what the first and crisco has in common. other people pointed out it was an elaborate and dirty joke. fox news posted a picture of the first on its facebook page. >> huh? [ scooby-doo's "huh?" ] >> stephanie: with the following note. local artist has created something he calls vessel of hope. he hopes it may in some way ease the pain of having the detroit bankruptcy shoved in our face.

can anyone explain what this means? >> it is like -- >> you are an idiot. >> it is like a whole network of your grandparents. no one knows. come on now. i wouldn't expect my grandparents to know that but even my parents would get that. >> stephanie: exactly. oh, by the way, we've been talking about the republican party. eric was mentioning romney and et cetera. this new book, have you seen collision 2012, obama versus romney, one part of it, stuart stevens, romney's chief strategist, when you saw clint eastwood on live television speaking offscript to an imaginary obama, he walked out of the room and threw up. >> i've seen a lot worse. i've seen a lot worse. it was definitely offpage and not well thought out but it's not worth vomiting over. >> stephanie: let's go to

darryl in california. you're on with kathleen. hey, darryl. >> caller: good morning, everyone. >> stephanie: hello. go ahead. >> caller: stephanie, i have a confession. please don't be angry with me. i am a registered democrat bona fide liberal that loves, loves listening to conservative talk radio. >> stephanie: all right. everyone's got their dirty little secret, darryl, it's all right. >> i listen to what's called the douchebag trio. rush limbaugh, mike gallagher and a local guy here in los angeles named ben shapiro. what an idiot. >> stephanie: i don't know him. >> caller: anyway, every time i listen to these guys, someone would call in and mention how awful of a president bush was and they would always say the same thing. oh, you're blaming him. and when i think i have this figured out, i think i have the reason why they can't knowledge how awful he was, by doing so,

you realize what a better president obama is. am i off on that? >> stephanie: i think it's hard to underestimate how really awful bush was. karen in wyoming, you're on with kathleen. hello, karen. >> caller: hello. this is my second time calling in and i'm sorry, i haven't been able to get my boss to fax you an excuse but i am now taping on the days i can't watch. >> stephanie: thank you. >> caller: but my first national election was working on your dad's campaign in 1964. >> stephanie: wow. thank you so much. >> caller: i was a teenager. and i thought the republican party at that time was a respectable party with a respectable opposite point of view. i don't see them that way anymore and i'm no longer a republican. >> stephanie: yeah, you and me both, sister. >> caller: have a good day. >> stephanie: she'll take no further questions, kathleen.

>> short, concise and to the point, thank you. >> i don't think wyoming went for your dad. >> stephanie: no, probably. >> computer says no. >> stephanie: although you said something last night that's true. had there been twitter in lyndon johnson's day, there is a good chance my dad and goldwater would have won. >> he would have played grab ass over twitter. >> he would have tweeted pictures of jumbo. >> stephanie: you've not had a chance to talk to us about your thoughts on the anthony weiner scandal. >> i cannot believe as many times as i'm in n.y. city, there's no one else available for this. there are a hundred million people, i would take the peanut guy, the hot dog vendor, anyone has to have more common sense. i don't judge you for the pictures. i don't care. i judge you for the stupidity. >> stephanie: more with kathleen madigan on that next on "the stephanie miller show."

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♪ >> you're drunk again. >> eem -- i'm just exhausted because i've been up all night drinking. >> stephanie: it is "the stephanie miller show" with kathleen madigan live in studio all three hours, our buddy, our pal, comedienne extraordinaire. we were talking about the weiner scandal before the break. it just got worser and worser, didn't it? he needs to stop talking. >> stop talking. you know, the woman -- we've gone to therapy. you can't go to therapy for stupidity. there's no therapist who goes what, i'm going to make you

brighter than you were when you came in here. it can help with you a problem. i would be offended at the level of stupidity. you want to do this, if you're not running for office, you're just like whatever. but i mean i cannot believe new yorkers are putting up with this. no! >> he dropped to fourth place from first. >> did he go? i knew he was sinking. i don't know how far he went. the wife coming out and -- stop it. i want one of the women like with eliot spitzer who just keeps going, you know, all of the prostitutes are in jail but he's still out on the run running for office. saw him on the plane. new york tv. all of the ad strks, greatest guy ever. one of them -- press conferences to stand next to him. as soon as he starts talking, just stab him in the arm and walk away. just stab him in the arm. i'll stand by you and as soon as you start speaking, i'll take out a pocketknife and stab you

in the arm. i'm not going to kill you or maim you. what are you going to do? arrest me for assault? >> tranquilizer dart. >> a little dexter move. a little something in the neck. >> yeah. >> stephanie: by the way, we were talking about -- because a lot of people would then try to compare weiner with clinton which to me, i was saying no comparison. slate has a piece, no, you fools, a lewinsky sex tape won't destroy hillary clinton. eric boehlert was looking at this. how are we going to destroy hillary clinton. "national enquirer" has a tape that monica recorded for bill clinton. it is just her on tape. >> no clinton because clinton like most people is smarter than anthony weiner. the emergence could torpedo hillary's run. lewinsky saga did not hurt hillary clinton. it lifted her poll numbers to a point where new york people sought her out to running for --

>> kwame kilpatrick in detroit, he was on government phones. he never said anything. they would text all of the dirty stuff and he would text back mm-hmm, keep talkin', baby. he never wrote a thing. i thought at least he was smart enough to make them do it. what else would you like to do? tell me more. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: uh-huh. and what else? >> what time? where? yeah. >> stephanie: did he ever say anything incriminating? >> computer says no. >> he could say i thought i was responding to my assistant because they're all very benign statements. what time? i need more. >> stephanie: like a squeezy mcfeel pants script. >> oh, my. >> stephanie: howdy do. what say you? my, my, my. >> call me susan.

>> that's incriminating. [ laughter ] >> stephanie: we were talking about all of the sunday shows. talking about the al-qaeda chatter which, as you were saying, does not sound threatening. senator saxby chambliss yesterday. >> what we have heard is some specifics on what's intended to be done and some individuals who are making plans such as we saw before 9-11. >> stephanie: we're going have representative adam schiff on in an hour because he's on the house intelligence committee and i do trust him. but you know, i know -- >> i can't talk about that. i can't talk about that either. >> that's what the interview is going to be like. >> stephanie: i know him well enough, i'll be able to infer from the tone what's happening. >> that's what i'm saying? why come out and tell us you have nothing to tell us? >> stephanie: we'll know from his tone of voice.

>> do little winks. >> stephanie: just do this. >> if it's tomorrow -- >> stephanie: representative -- >> the crow flies at midnight. >> stephanie: representative peter king. >> basically be in europe or the united states. it could be a series of -- >> they've got to stop it. stop telling us -- >> stephanie: they can't tell us. >> gregory keeps asking them what's going to happen. >> who's doing it? what are they planning? >> stephanie: see, everyone has a partisan thing. rick santorum went on "meet the press" and it is because the president -- obama made us so week, blah, blah, blah, even joe scarborough said that's not true. i'm no obama fan but even conservatives will tell you al-qaeda is much weaker. we've degraded al-qaeda to such a degree. it is not even partisan. >> stephanie: well-known

southern bell lindsey graham. >> it is scary. al-qaeda's on the rise. and the nsa program has proven its worth once again. >> you just blew it. >> we better give up all of our freedoms or something bad is going to happen. >> scare us, scare us, scare us. it doesn't scare me because i don't know where most of the places are. >> stephanie: lindsey graham is also scared of insects if john mccain is not around to kill them. >> oh, my! [ screaming ] >> stephanie: i'm just saying. they're on a trip right now together. >> egypt. >> stephanie: lindsey graham has said once if he hasn't a hundred times, here's a tibb, you kill it. and then mccain killed it and ate it. >> how long do we have to live to not hear these names anymore.

>> stephanie: lindsey graham is getting teabagged. [ ♪ "nbc nightly news" ] >> by a challenger. >> stephanie: hang on. finding it. finding it. pea party favorite -- tea party favorite announces challenge. republican nancy mace. he's going to get maced. and teabagged. >> dream come true. >> stephanie: now she's running for the u.s. senate opposing a primary challenge to senator lindsey graham. she's the first female graduate of the citadel and a at the party favorite. please and thank you. republican attorney richard cash said he will run against dplij graham in 2014. lindsey graham could be replaced with someone worthy of that seat. who is wealthy of lindsey graham's seat? >> john mccain. >> the way he lashed out against

rand paul, he's begging for a primary. he's clearly a barbarian that needs to be -- he's lashing out, begging, begging to be primaried is all i'm saying. >> understand barbarians need to be educated. they need to be disciplined. >> mother, why did you do this to me? >> stephanie: okay. that was just another sound byte we played randomly. it had nothing to do with anything. lindsey graham. >> was that lindsey? >> no. that was what goes on in reparative therapy where you're supposed to hit a pillow with a tennis racket. mother, why did you do that to me? >> that and cuddling with men is supposed to cure the gayness. okay. >> stephanie: okay. representative adam schiff who will join us in about an hour. >> you have to be very careful about how much you represent that any particular program has contributed to our security. >> stephanie: we'll talk to

him about that. that's what's hard. they can't tell us everything so you know -- >> i can't talk about that. >> stephanie: you don't know what particular programs have helped stop what, right? >> none of it is tangible. none of it. you can sit here and everybody -- one side can take this side and it is my problem with the tsa. it is making us so much safer. how do we know? can you prove it? >> it didn't happen. >> thanks to kathleen not bringing all of her shampoo. yea for us. i'm over it. i'm over the shoe thing. you know what? the precheck now, because i fly so much, sometimes i get in that line and so i'm okay over here but i'm not okay over here with my shampoo. when are we going to say kathleen, you're okay. now you can bring all of your shampoo. >> and a novelty bag. >> stephanie: i find ways around tsa.

i've said before, if i had to take that many things off, someone is having sex with me. i usually wear my warm-up jacket when i'm traveling, i zip it all the way up so it looks like it is the only thing i'm wearing. if you have a jacket open, now you have to put your jacket in. i zip it all the way up and i go right through. >> so it looks like a blouse. >> can i tell you another good secret. here's the thing. let's say you have two bags of toiletries you would like to bring. when you go up to the thing, unzip your thing, throw one in the thing then throw the next bag in the thing then send your bag through. they never say whose is whose. once it's through -- >> oh! [ ♪ dramatic ] one in front of your bag, one behind your bag. >> stephanie: why do you hate america so much? >> well, see, that's the reason because nobody will take control and there's no sports minister and i don't believe anybody is really in charge of the tsa.

i go through. they have different tsa rules. hey, i thought this was the national program. in l.a. they let me bring my teddy bear but in lexington, i can't have the bear. whatever. >> don't have to take your shoes off anymore. >> stephanie: i was at one small airport, the sign with the line through it, no this, this, this, this. >> no bombs. >> stephanie: it said no jokes past this point. that's a challenge for a comedienne. i think there is going to be something funny past this point. >> i know there is. then in vegas, you encourage it because the video of what to do when you get there is done by carrot top. seriously. hey, welcome to the airport. i loved him but what is going on? you are letting comedians be in charge of safety? >> anthony weiner and the radar machine because he does it for fun anyway. >> look at it! look, i'm not packing any -- well, you know. >> stephanie: i'll bet you

can't say representative buffens barger three times really fast. >> he's a good democrat out of maryland. >> those operatives are in place because we've received information that high-level people from al-qaeda and the arabian peninsula are talking about major attack. >> when aren't they? that would be my question. okay, so you're just -- yes. you just picked up on more of it in your little wiretaps or whatever goes on? >> apparently there was an extraordinary amount of chatter that pinged red lights everywhere. >> their cable went out and they had nothing better to talk about. let's start thinking outside the box. >> they took cbs and showtime off. >> stephanie: dexter fans. >> maybe they wanted to see tiger woods win yesterday. we don't know. >> stephanie: 46 minutes after the hour. back with more chatter with kathleen madigan. as we continue on "the stephanie miller show." >> i'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor.

>> announcer: it's "the stephanie miller show."

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>> stephanie: it is "the stephanie miller show" enjoying the greatest of the greats this morning. >> grape growers are now able to make different flavors of grapes. like there is a cotton candy.

concorde grape is my favorite. we were discussing how early is too early to drink on a plane and the answer, never. [ ding ding ] [ applause ] >> stephanie: you're not going to ask to fly the plane. >> i'm just sitting here. there is no time in clouds. are there clocks in heaven? i don't think so. [ ♪ magic wand ] you never hear when a plane crashes and at 10:42 a.m. because you don't know what time it was. >> stephanie: it was 10:42 a.m. and kathleen madigan had a blood alcohol level -- nothing my mother needs to know about. i don't think there is time in clouds. >> stephanie: no. >> i appreciate the fact that they have alcohol available. >> and fritos. >> and they act like it is normal. can i get. >> bloody mary or a screwdriver. i'm sorry, i'm not full-blown alcoholic. i would like to think i'm borderline. i've also noticed in first class, most everybody is

drinking. the people in coach aren't. not really. so i guess there's just a lot of successful drunks. that's all i can come up with. >> pilots sometimes. >> not exactly sure where we're going. i have the gps. >> stephanie: worst thing you want to hear. i think we have a problem with the landing gear. >> i don't remember exactly what channel -- >> stephanie: okay. >> auto pilot drank this morning, too or just us? >> stephanie: there is better chance that we'll be killed by our own pilots than on a flight. michael chertoff on nbc's this week. >> more dangerous because now we have what we call 2.o or 3.0 which is widely dispersed younger generation with new ideas. >> i was thinking michael chertoff had a solution for a

problem that didn't exist. >> stephanie: much like darrell issa. how to make a fancy car alarm after a career as a car thief. billy in texas. >> caller: good morning, guys. listen, you were talking about lindsey graham being challenged by a tea party member. i was wondering why you won't talking about the liberals that will challenge him because it doesn't seem like there is any. >> stephanie: if he makes it through the teabagging to actually run against the democrats. >> caller: there are. what you're missing -- the point you're missing is the tea party that's providing a challenge. which indicates there is a lot more conservatives in that part of the world which is a good thing for people like me. >> stephanie: uh-huh. >> caller: well, there's a lot more conservatives out there. you're not going to run as a liberal in pa part of the world and get elected. >> stephanie: you think -- >> james clyburn -- >> stephanie: lindsey graham will be successfully teabagged? >> well, die really --

>> stephanie: he will be tea bagged to fruition. for your political interests. >> caller: i don't think he's a particularly good representative not conservative enough for me. >> stephanie: all right. >> caller: but if they get somebody strong in there who can articulate the conservative position, i'm all behind it. >> stephanie: what is the conservative position? >> caller: conservatism. >> that sounded like me in high school. just getting my head off the desk. it is conservatism. >> where you conserve things which -- >> stephanie: you're doodling in the blue book. >> can i write an essay on it later or is this true or false? what's happening? conservatism. is being conservative. >> stephanie: the headline is the g.o.p. self-destructing? >> computer says yes. >> stephanie: according to billy because that's all they've

got. >> someone to the right of lindsey graham. >> stephanie: right. i don't know if we've been paying attention what's been happening in congress. we've grown used to a congress locked in a bitter warfare between two parties. that's what that woman was talking about. at least there were two parties. now we've ceased to have two parties. the republicans are fighting among themselves. there's nobody else actually governing on the other side. anyway, producing gridlock on federal spending and other pressing issues but the congress left washington last week, hit a new high in another category. gridlock among republicans. did you see what happened? take last week's unremarkable proposal by president obama for a deal to combine corporate tax cuts, an idea republicans love with an idea on spending on roads and an idea that only some republicans love. senator john mccain who has emerged as obama's chief partner praised the idea as a good start. mitch mcconnell also about to get teabagged denounced it as a trick to boost spending. ted cruz, a leader of the

up-and-coming tea party faction said republicans should stop talking about any deals and threaten to shut down the government instead. in the house where republicans run the chamber, the chaos was worse. when house leaders tried to pass the deep cuts, they suddenly discovered they didn't have a majority. some g.o.p. members thought the cuts were too deep and some thought they weren't deep enough. god in heaven. how divided are republicans in congress? one reserve stiv joked it is not organized enough for a civil war. >> at least the civil war, except my state, missouri, we couldn't figure out a team. but everybody else figured out a team and then would go at it. >> stephanie: he goes through every issue. g.o.p. is divided on how to fight the implementation of obama's healthcare law. you've got the wacko birds like cruz and those people trying to shut the government down over there. senator tom coburn said that's a

terrible idea. blah, blah, blah. divided over foreign policy, national security. immigration. there isn't one issue they agree with each other on. >> old guy that has positions that everybody can accept. the old guys are too old. bob dole, come on now. who is the class below him? >> stephanie: you know what? >> that would be john mccain, i think. >> stephanie: that's what i mean. they don't listen to grampy anymore. >> yeah. there has to be someone else besides mccain. >> stephanie: this pew poll, when asked who the leader of the republican party is, nobody. the highest rated answer was nobody. that's the problem. >> it is not mitch mcconnell. >> stephanie: no. too scared of -- you know. >> can't be that scared of ashley judd. just sayin', if you're that afraid of ashley judd, you don't have your "a" game going on. >> stephanie: back with more kathleen madigan on "the stephanie miller show."

[ ♪ theme ] >> stephanie: all right. hour number three, representative adam schiff, you know jacki schechner, he's on the house intelligence committee. >> yes. >> stephanie: so he can't tell us anything or he will have to kill us. but i think we can, as chicks can, we can figure out from his tone of voice what he means. >> like a super secret decoder ring thing. >> stephanie: like in your crackerjacks and stuff. i will activate my mood ring and get a sense of how -- i don't know. everybody's trying to debate on is this al-qaeda threat.

is it something different? more serious. >> they seem to be saying it is a big deal. >> stephanie: i think kathleen is right. the word "chatter" seems to seem like something inane. >> that's just the common word they use for online conversation. >> stephanie: right. exactly. they're probably more meaningful than ours which consists of this pretty much, right? [ laughter ] >> stephanie: here she is in the current news center, jacki schechner. >> good morning, everybody. "usa today" has analyzed years of s.e.c. filings and reports today sees dead people and they're giving money. since january 1, 2009, 32 people listed as deceased have given almost $600,000 to congressional and presidential candidates and political parties. "usa today" started looking into the issue on the heels of a news report that a super pac helping senate minority leader mitch mcconnell got $100,000 from a top g.o.p. contributor two

months after the man died. the super pac says that a computer glitch logged the contribution date incorrectly and has since filed a new report claiming the man's money came in just a day before he passed away. s.e.c. rules do allow people to make politicians or campaigns the beneficiaries of their state. but the same contribution limits that apply to the living apply to the deceased. there is, however, a current case pending in a d.c. appellate court seeking to overturn limits on individual post-mortem contributions with the argument being that somebody cannot corrupt a politician from the grave. things got heated in a kentucky barbecue event over the weekend. shown here in file footage, mitch mcconnell turned up as did mcconnell's tea party challenger and likely democratic senator allison lundergan grimes. he highlighted his seniority in washington and accomplishments in office and the challenge he faces from democrats in d.c. in general. grimes who is hammering mcconnell on being too

entrenched in washington had the quote of the day saying that the doctors told senator mcconnell he had a kidney stone, he would refuse to pass that. after the break. honest. they know that i'm not bsing them for some hidden agenda, actually supporting one party or the other. when the democrats are wrong, they know i'm going to be the first one to call them out. cenk on air>> what's unacceptable is how washington continues to screw the middle class over. cenk off air i don't want the middle class taking the brunt of the spending cuts and all the different programs that wind up hurting the middle class. cenk on air you got to go to the local level, the state level and we have to fight hard to make sure they can't buy our politics anymore. cenk off air and they can question if i'm right about that. but i think the audience gets that, i actually mean it. cenk on air 3 trillion dollars in spending cuts! narrator uniquely progressive and always topical, the worlds largest online news show is on current tv. cenk off air and i think the audience gets, "this guys to best of his abilities is trying to look out

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>> hard news, no agenda. this is "vanguard". next, only on current tv. ♪ it's's beautiful day ♪ don't let it get away >> stephanie: it is "the stephanie miller show." welcome to it. 19 u.s. embassies remain closed around the world. i think it's because kathleen madigan chatters too much. a lot of chatter. >> a lot of chatter. again, i don't know any clubs in those areas and i know no theatres or indian casinos. >> the improv doesn't book you? >> no. >> stephanie: you know who did

like -- mark and georgia loved your tape. steph, great to see kathleen madigan on her show. i buy multiple versions of her dvds for my entire family. since we all grew up catholic, that's a lot of dvds. >> i gotta tap into that source. >> stephanie: when i finally quit smoking two years ago, it took me two years to think and speak normally again. >> thank you. >> stephanie: he says you sound pretty coherent even though -- >> well, because there's people around. since janish, i guess. i would have to look it up. i tried to block that whole period out. my voice sounds better, right? don't i sound like a song bird? >> stephanie: you do. you said at home, sound like -- >> young lucy instead of old lucy. >> they have the whole movie at the museum and she's like i just want to say. exactly. it is personality. >> oh, ricky! >> stephanie: i always get that wrong.

mcgillicuddy. >> it was lucy's maiden name. >> stephanie: on the old lucy show. >> i didn't see that at the museum. it was on the show? in real life. >> stephanie: oh, ricky then suddenly cuts -- [ ♪ magic wand ] >> stephanie: you're doing okay. you said you're not happy about quitting. >> i'm not happy about it. people congratulate you. i didn't feel bad to begin with. this isn't like you're hung over every day going this is hard. i got up, have some coffee. let's get rolling. i can still walk, run, it wasn't like i was in some sort of horrible lung machine at the hospital. >> iron lung. >> i don't even have a cough. i don't have sinus headaches, nothing. >> wow. >> i don't know. i just do think my parents at 60 said they were stopping. really? we're going to call this off now? aren't you to the age where you

smoke it out and see what happens. 60? they felt like it could give them another ten years. maybe 30 years ago. they were having -- it was bothering them. hacking and coughing and and this age, no. just lovely. just a pack of marlboro lights and bottle of wine. >> did you smoke inside? >> no. my car will never be able to be resold unless i find another derelict, indigent smoking machine. see if lucille ball was alive, i would say hey, how about a nice mercury mariner. it would smell like home to her. i love it, honey! i love it! just smoked inside. then i thought i grew up with that. my parents smoked three packs a day. >> stephanie: it was like apocalypse now. >> you couldn't roll down the windows because we didn't want to let the air conditioning out. >> let's get this going a little

thicker. >> i love the smell of nicotine. >> stephanie: harold in new york on the weiner race in new york. >> caller: hi, stephanie. hi, kathleen. it is an honor to speak with you. first-time caller. big fab. saw you at the beacon theatre last year. >> stephanie: me or her? >> caller: stephanie. it was a great show. i'm a bar owner in new york city and in brooklyn and i was all set to vote for anthony weiner but i can't vote for him now. i think he's an idiot and he's out of his mind. i don't trust christine quinn because i think she's going to carry on the anti-nightlife stance that the bloomberg administration and giuliani administration before him started and she was on chris matthews last week touting the fact she was all in favor of the smoking ban and how great that

was and -- >> stephanie: you know, it's interesting. i know you have a specific point of view because you own a bar but you know, i have to say, smoking is a pretty -- it is a pretty well-known health threat. i have to say i'm kind of bloomberg's side on that one. >> what else -- what are the anti-night laws? what else is happening? >> bloomberg wants to close the bars down at 2:00 a.m. he tried doing that in his first term. we had to fight him. new york nightlife association. and there's all sorts of -- >> that's what i mean. that's terrible. >> you know, he doesn't make our life easy at all. you know. they don't -- you know what? i don't smoke cigarettes and i'm happy that the air in my bar is clean but at the time, 90% of my patrons wanted to smoke cigarettes inside my bar and the city was saying you can't have it anymore. i felt it was my duty as a

business owner to tell them that this might affect my business. they didn't care. >> stephanie: i think secondhand smoke is a thing. you know, we were saying on this show, i think the drink ban was ridiculous and nanny state. you can just get refills. i think there's -- all of those things are different a little bit. you know what i'm saying. >> he's a fun killer in the day and the night, clearly. this guy has no fun ever. but i agree. they shouldn't have to close at 2. :00 that's part of new york. >> the city that doesn't sleep. >> san francisco goes to sleep at midnight. in new york, that's what you expect. >> stephanie: tucked in a gay way. >> totally. >> stephanie: mary in chicago for kathleen. >> caller: hi. kathleen, every time someone says congratulations to me, i'm like why? i hated giving up smoking. i loved smoking. >> see! if i say that out loud, people

say -- if i don't say woody allen movies, what is wrong with you? >> caller: i get the same crap. i loved it. >> you say oh, how could you love smoking? have you tried it? i don't judge heroin people. >> 45 years and i had three teeth pulled. i got the same story you got about the die socket. >> i like that. you call it the story. >> stephanie: dry socket warning. >> she's going on the same path i am. when they tell you the story, the irish kicks in. that's just because you don't want to get -- that's just -- >> explain what dry socket is for people who might have missed it? >> stephanie: kathleen had a couple of teeth removed. >> there is a hole there where the tooth is. if you smoke, the sucking because that hole is very shaky. so when you -- the story is --

which is true is that the sucking thing of smoking will go -- and then that thing will sink that, hole. when the road collapses, a sinkhole. it becomes a sinkhole and a blood clot forms and bursts in your mouth. [ explosion ] >> stephanie: wow. >> from now on, there will only be wet sockets in new york city. >> stephanie: it reminds me of the story your head would explode if you ate pop rocks and drank coca-cola. but see, this is a true story. >> well, my brother said it was. he could also just be a pansy. i don't know. that's why you gotta ask other people. have you ever heard of this? i don't think i googled it. >> stephanie: you are right about woody allen movies because andrew dice clay could be nominated for an oscar. >> i saw the new woody allen movie. good for you. then i walk away. >> stephanie: dice man.

i'm sure one of your favorite comics as well. >> hickory dickery dock. >> might be nominated for an oscar. >> andrew silverstein is his real name. >> stephanie: i don't know what you're implying. >> i don't know who should be more offended, the jews or the italians. he's a nice, jewish boy doing this and the italians are like he's not even ours. at least it has to be one of our own. i don't know. maybe he's a fine actor. i don't know. maybe sinbad can act. i don't know. >> he's playing a stanley kowalski-like character. >> stephanie: in blue jasmine. >> all of the people. all i know is justin bieber is stealing my act. he shoved fan's iphone down his pants. i take a twat shot, that's me. justin bieber continued his recent state of weird behavior. he shoved a fan's phone down his pants on tuesday. wait a minute. that was even before weiner.

i can't remember where that joke started. it is a man thing, isn't it, sending pictures of your junk. >> what men don't understand is nine out of ten women don't want that. i'm too tired, if somebody sent me a picture, i would send them of an ashtray i have in my backyard i haven't emptied. eight months later, there are some butts in there i could smoke. >> stephanie: things get weird. first round of anthony weiner shots. >> a couple of years ago. >> stephanie: just saying. i've mentioned this before. i don't think barbara boxer is going -- wants a picture of my boxer. >> it is the same thing with the affairs. the older men that go for the younger women. i don't think janet reno had 20-year-old chippendales. younger people. let's just say younger people. >> stephanie: right. okay. by the way, oh, i'm sure we all

had this. my idiot right wing cousin is affected by the sequester and blames obama. >> yeah. >> stephanie: jody from new jersey said steph, i had a lengthy facebook discussion with my cousin who is in the military and who starting tomorrow has to be furloughed every friday in essence of 20% pay cut. he had the nerve to blame obama who came up with the scheme. when i pressed him about how the sequestration came to fruition, he would say do you spend more than we make, should we go the way of rome. he votes for the very people who just cut his pay 20%. he said he was getting confused and had to leave the argument. >> so is the universe in danger? is the u.s. in danger of being overthrown? >> stephanie: right. you're saying things they don't say on fox. >> that's why we close the embassies because of the vis

god. >> like i said, conservatism is conservative. >> stephanie: it gives them dry socket of the brain when they're confronted with things they did not hear on fox. >> this argument is hurting my brain. i can't think anymore. stop it. stop talking to me. >> stephanie: all right. 18 minutes after the hour. we continue with kathleen madigan and congressman adam schiff coming up as we continue on "the stephanie miller show." >> announcer: for a good time call now, 1-800-steph-12.

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♪ >> stephanie: it is "the stephanie miller show." with kathleen madigan. >> i wonder if charles schulz approved that? >> i don't think he had anything to do with it. >> i think it was vince. >> stephanie: kathleen madigan, we've been talking a lot about the george zimmerman verdict. racism in america. [ ♪ "nbc nightly news" ] why looky. racial profiling gone wrong. they didn't notice off-duty chief who, you notice, is black. pardon me. at least one cop has been disciplined for ordering the nypd's highest ranking black officer out of his auto while the three star chief is off-duty and parked in queens. if this doesn't tell you that racial profiling profiling is ad well. how you cannot recognize a chief with a department i.d. around

his neck. one officer did not believe the nypd identification that ziegler gave him. when one officer spotted his service weapon, he yelled gun. thank god this didn't end differently. both cops raised their weapons and ordered him out of the car. they're under record for record number of pedestrians being stopped and frisked, the majority being black or hispanic. that's the police chief with an i.d. around his neck in a service car. >> they do tell those fake ones in "the new york times." in times square, they have fake i.d.s. >> stephanie: right. >> i don't understand why this guy doesn't go on cnn and say that. maybe no one wants to hear his story. if i was that guy, i would call every major media outlet and say here, you want proof? i'm the guy. i'm the guy. >> stephanie: we discussed last time that george zimmerman was able to magically come up with a black best friend. he remember, to vouch for him. [ ♪ magic wand ] we were saying if we should be

caught in some sort of incident, aisha tyler won't do it for me and wanda sykes won't vouch for you. >> i have made a deal with george wallace. he said he would do it. >> aww. >> he's older and looks wiser on top of being an imaginary black friend, he's wise. so i really think, unless you can come up with somebody better, i've trumped that. >> stephanie: okay. because wanda would blame you. >> totally. kathleen, capable, crazy. look in her eyes. she's weird. [ laughter ] people don't say it but the woman is off. it's off. she got a look in her eye. she look like a leprechaun but she's nice. >> stephanie: she would be testifying for the prosecution by the time she was done. i'm not sure. >> you're supposed to take my side. what do you mean my eye is weird? my parents say it is lazy. i don't think so.

>> stephanie: i really don't -- i went home and i go oh, my mom had it on. i said turn that off. by the way, what is wrong with my eye? that's your lazy one. i was 42. we didn't do anything about it? >> well, when you get tired, it closes. >> wow, you raised seven times times -- you raised seven kids. that one's eye is wrong and she needs a nap. >> stephanie: wanda sykes never noticed you. >> your other eye is overly ambitious. >> this is a type a and that's a type d. >> stephanie: it is just trying to make the other eye look bad. >> could have had a patch and glasses. >> stephanie: one eye might be hyperactive. >> that could be it. >> draining all the energy. >> maybe the lazy one is absolutely fine. no, i never noticed it. >> stephanie: everything is relative.

all right. we've been talking about republican dysfunction. [ ♪ "nbc nightly news" ] dysfunction in washington. but it is republican, i'm just saying. "l.a. times," even by the standards of a congress that's earned a reputation for dysfunction this past week, the last before a long summer recess, set a mark for futility. if you thought they could do less than nothing, they've achieved that. republican leaders in the house hoped to pass a bill providing money for several government agencies. instead, they halted the vote after a g.o.p. campaign hit an unexpected roadblock. rank and file republicans refused to approve cuts that home state governors and mayors rely on to fix streets and bridges. conservatives were stunned their more moderate colleagues could not stomach the reductions they had agreed to as part of an austerity republican plan. they need to finish the fight

with themselves. >> they do less than anyone else can get away with. when they say we're going to shut down the government, we all said we're not going to work today. they actually leave town. they take it to a whole other level. not only am i not going, i'm going to reno. cha-ching. they just leave. the whole thing is completely inexcusable. i don't know at what point do people get angry? >> stephanie: we were talking about this, the wings that chris christie and rand paul represent, dana wrote a piece, rand paul rebuked on foreign aid. i don't know if you saw this. the 86-13 vote, he wanted to strip all aid to egypt. i love that he brought up oh, you know, detroit's this and we should be doing -- he wouldn't vote to give money to detroit either. >> right. he wouldn't give money to anybody. go on that side of the discussion because we're still having a discussion about who gets money. so yeah, then you can't be into

the discussion. you have to have your own discussion. >> stephanie: you finished chatting amongst yourself. peter in ithaca. hi. >> caller: i think you're giving rand paul -- they're not giving him his due. i think they ripped between him and john mccain over foreign policy. mccain wants to go to war. at the drop of a hat. rand paul wants us to get out. and -- >> stephanie: rand paul wants us to do more than get out. >> excuse me? >> stephanie: rand paul wants to do more than get out. okay, that was a troll. i'm sure he had more thoughts directly from rush limbaugh. 29 minutes after the hour. back with representative adam schiff next on "the stephanie miller show."

>> we're going to places where few others are going. >> it doesn't get anymore real than this. >> vanguard is about telling important stories that need to be told. >> we're patrolling the area looking for guns, drugs, bodies... >> now in it's seventh remarkable season, "vanguard" is the documentary series that raised the bar for excellence. garnering the industry's highest honors for getting real and going deep. >> we go in and spend a considerable amount of time getting to know the people and the characters that are actually living these stories. >> people who want to live a racist life freely move here because they feel like they can. >> the impact of phillip morris in indonesia is devastating. >> hard news, no agenda. this is "vanguard". next, only on current tv.

>> announcer: stephanie miller. >> just what i need coming off a blackout drunk. >> stephanie: it is "the stephanie miller show." not talking about kathleen madigan at all. 34 minutes after the hour. 1-800-steph-12 the phone number toll free from anywhere. senator saxby chambliss, republican of georgia on "meet the press" yesterday. >> there's been an awful lot of chatter out there. chatter means conversation among terrorists about the planning that's going on, very reminiscent of what we saw pre-9-11. >> stephanie: when saxby chambliss says it, i automatically don't believe it but when adam schiff, democratic

congressman from right there, two feet away in burbank says it, i'm scared. good morning, congressman adam schiff. >> good morning, stephanie. how are you? >> stephanie: i know there is little you can tell us or you would have to kill us but we're going to listen for your tone of voice. saw you all over the tv yesterday. obviously, this is what's tough when you're talking about this stuff, right? first of all, you know, i think those of us on the left, sometimes have a reaction because we remember all of the dick cheneys of the world saying stuff we felt like was trying to scare us particularly into an unnecessary war in iraq. can you give us a sense of how real you think this is, the amount of chatter we're hearing from al-qaeda? >> i think it is certainly judging from the intelligence community's reaction and their confidence and the source of information and the collaboration, you know, something that is not your average typical death to the great satan kind of chatter, unspecific chatter but rather people that they find credible,

that they think are a real threat. they don't have much sense of the location. but if you're briefing the president a couple of times a day, it is something they're taking very seriously and we have to, as well. it is hard for me to compare to 9-11, you know, i do think we've degraded the core of al-qaeda so significantly, the likelihood of something of a magnitude of 9-11 is happily fairly remote. i don't like the comparison but this is more than the usual, you know, disjointed chatter we often hear and i think in the post-benghazi era, we're taking it very seriously and doing everything we can to protect our personnel. >> stephanie: i brought up the partisanship of this because you know, i'm sure you saw rick santorum on "meet the press." some people want the narrative that the president's bad, the president's weak. it is because of the president. even joe scarborough who is no liberal, said, you know, i'm no fan of obama but that's

completely untrue. he echoed what you just said. we have degraded al-qaeda. he obviously did get bin laden, the bush administration didn't. this doesn't necessarily break down on partisan lines, does it? >> it doesn't. i think for the most part, members of both sides of the aisle feel the precautions that the administration, the state department are taking are responsible steps and you know, it is hard to make a case against the president that he hasn't been diligent in the effort to weed out al-qaeda and go after its senior leadership. he's been very diligent about it and you know, there are legitimate policy questions to ask about whether we're making progress in the broader conflict because we now have not the core of al-qaeda as it was but we have these franchises that you know are all over north africa and the arabian peninsula and elsewhere. that can be very lethal as well. it is a more diffused threat. not capable of the same kind of coordinated attack we saw on 9-11 but it is capable of

putting bombs on airliners as we've seen and finding new and ingenious ways to smuggle bombs inside of people, inside of printer cartridges and unfortunately, one of the chief and most creative of the bomb makers, is in yemen, part of a qap. that's part of what we're really concerned about. >> stephanie: representative, we've heard a lot of people yesterday especially on tv speculating and where do you think this is coming from? obviously people are talking about the prison breaks and al-qaeda members got out of various prisons around the world. the anniversary of 9-11 coming up, ramadan ending, is there something specific to the level of chatter we're hearing in your opinion? >> well, that's what we're being told from the intelligence community that it is specific. it is not the usual, generalized chatter. i think you do add to that the other events you mentioned. we've had three prison breaks in

three different countries with a lot of taliban, with a lot of al-qaeda fighters being released. that's a grave concern. you have timing of the end of ramadan. you have the timing of the approach of 9-11. you have almost year anniversary since we saw those protests and attacks on our consulates and embassies around the world. i think the confluence of those events coming together plus the credibility of the sources of information puts us on a different level than what we've seen in the past and it is accounting for the broader response. >> stephanie: it seems like -- i remember a time we all used to be americans. i have to say i have to admit the partisan bias i think after the bush administration, all of the things we were told that led us into iraq, when someone like you or al franken or dianne feinstein says it, i reflexively trust it more. but i don't know where we go with that because like i say, it seemed like yesterday i saw a lot of people on -- breaking down on partisan lines on this

again. >> well, i don't think this is being used by anyone as an effort to justify troop offensive in yemen or anything like that. so i don't think this is the build-up to some military action in the future. i think probably more than anything else is the addition of very credible source of information, the intelligence community's view. and the effort post-benghazi to take every step possible to protect our people. probably much broader response, i think than would have happened in the absence of the tragedy in benghazi. this is kind of the new climate. the new responsibility. >> stephanie: my producer chris this morning echoed some of the suspicion of those on the left of going oh, is this just a big belly run for the nsa programs because people are having concerns about those. you know, the timing of this -- talking about this stuff or not. >> i don't accept that conspiracy theory that this is an effort to buck up the nsa or

support for the nsa. you know, there are some folks that are out there talking about well, this shows the nsa program is effective and they're inferring, i think, it is the one most under criticism, the domestic bulk data collection program. i think it would be extraordinarily unlikely that program played any role in uncovering this plot since we're talking about an overseas plot and focused on primarily on overseas embassies and consulates, the collection of bulk domestic data probably is far removed from that. i don't think people should either leap to the conclusion that that program was responsible or -- affirm that. and that troubles me that that suggestion is being made. >> stephanie: let's pause talking to you while i play a sound byte of you yesterday. here you are. >> you have to be very careful about how much you represent that any particular program has contributed to our security. >> stephanie: that's the problem, isn't it? when you're talking about stuff

that you can't talk to us about. we don't know which particular program stopped what, right? >> well, that's true. particularly in a situation like this where we're not talking about a historical plot. something that happened five or ten years ago where the risk of disclosing sources is less because people are not going to be with that old information. this is on-going. so we don't want to point to specific sources or programs. we don't want our adversaries to be able to change techniques or know how we're gleaning intelligence. i think people have to be very careful not to disclose much about this but -- and at the same time, not to represent that programs that are under criticism right now are the source of our information. >> stephanie: what are your thoughts on russia giving snowden asylum? >> well, you know, i think it is yet another poke in the eye, something that putin really relishes doing. they had every legal opportunity

and responsibility to send him back to us. i think that you know, for putin, it is a chance to enhance his standing with his own people and also given the criticism that we've made of russia on their crackdown of ngos, the fact that journalists who expose corruption in russia are murdered with impunity quite frequently. this is an opportunity for putin to kind of fight back, push back and enjoy the discomfort of the united states. i think they should have sent him back and i'm deeply disappointed although not surprised they didn't. >> stephanie: yep. absolutely. adam schiff, thank you so much. i'm going to decode. play the tape backwards when i get home and i think aisling's know what specific threats you were talking about. >> if you go to the beatles album and on the second track, i can't tell you which album because that's classified, play that backwards, it will reveal all. >> okay. >> stephanie: we've got that on tape. all right. thank you. thank you, congressman.

talk to you soon. >> take care. >> stephanie: there he goes, from the house intelligence committee, representative adam schiff. [ applause ] >> cap'n crunch decoder ring that for me. >> stephanie: right. there is an attack plan on missouri, your home state. [ ♪ dramatic ] >> he told me what for. >> stephanie: yes, he did. didn't he? little smackdown. i just teed you up. little tee ball. smacked you down. >> conspiracy theory. >> stephanie: although, i did hear that they arrested somebody that googled pressure cooker somewhere. so that's a little concerning. >> well, they did. but yeah. >> stephanie: i think she wanted to buy a pressure cooker to cook stuff. >> there are people who use those for cooking. >> i think my parents cooked potatoes in it every once in awhile. >> stephanie: you know i'm such a horrible cook, i would be arrested immediately. don't try to pretend like you cook! >> no pressure. if you want to cook. >> stephanie: hands behind

your back. >> it used to be the fast way of cooking before microwaves. >> pressure cookers? >> faster than a crock-pot. shut up. that's not possible. >> faster than a crock-pot. >> stephanie: she's from missouri. where they worship the crock-pot. >> i love the crock-pot. throw in anything. taste it later. who cares. >> stephanie: the magical purveyor of the hot dish to pass. 45 minutes after the hour. back with the remaining moments with kathleen madigan live in studio. >> i got her number off the men's room stall. 1-800-steph-12. getting to know the people and the characters that are actually living these stories. >> people who want to live a racist life freely move here because they feel like they can. >> the impact of phillip morris in indonesia is devastating.

>> hard news, no agenda. this is "vanguard". next, only on current tv.

(cenk) it's go time! it's go time! it's go time! go time. you know what time it is. go time! it's go time. it's go time. what time is it rob? here comes the young turks go time! it's go time. oh is it? oh, then it's go time.

anybody? anybody? what time is it? oh, right. it's go time! current tv is the place for true stories. with award winning documentaries that take you inside the headlines. real, gripping, current. documentaries... on current tv.

♪ i heard that stephanie miller ♪ ♪ people hear you talking like that, getting everybody caught up ♪ >> stephanie: uh-huh. it is "the stephanie miller show." with kathleen madigan yawning. >> i'm still here. i fade in the last five. >> we all do. >> stephanie: come on. come back. look alive over there. all right. >> stephanie: 1-800-steph-12 the phone number toll free. kathleen madigan, we might see you where? almost anywhere. >> september 12th you can go to the next netflix original and see my new special. >> nice! >> filmed in detroit at the royal oak theatre. because i love detroit. and i'm on the road. you can go to my web site, see all of my little shenanigans. >> would it be kathleenmadigan.com? >> it is. >> you can follow me on twitter. >> you've been tweeting during the show today.

>> i haven't sent out a tweet. i've been receiving them. >> stephanie: you got your buddy to tweet. >> he's still really bad at it. he doesn't really get the whole concept. he gets the concept but he doesn't like it. he'll have a million people tweet him and somebody will go are you ever coming back to omaha. he would type the date he's coming back. i'm like lou, they can go to your web site for that. >> can i tweet this or will i get hate mail? >> grow thicker skin, louis. are you going to run -- >> stephanie: somebody said something mean to me on twitter, isn't that what twitter is for? >> i do like they're cracking down on the super many people. >> they are. >> how much can you threaten people and nobody pays attention to it or you don't get in trouble. >> stephanie: good news for anthony weiner. a different anthony weiner in boston has a way worse sexting problem. a boston man named anthony weiner has outwienerred the actual weiner. the boston wiener was arrested

for sexting a 21-year-old man from his wife's phone. luring him to a home and threatening to torture him. he allegedly punched his mother-in-law at his wedding. >> how many people haven't wanted to do that. >> stephanie: he's accused of sending a series of texts from his wife's phone. weiner threatened a man who has not been identified with a wb gun and a -- with a bb gun and a power tool. >> interesting combination. >> stephanie: when the 21-year-old began vomiting in fear, he paid him hush money and put him in a cab. weiner is claiming self-defense. so that guy is a bigger douche than the original weiner. [ applause ] >> when it comes to wieners, sure. >> i'm pretty sure he hasn't bashed anybody in the head. >> stephanie: he could be his new p.r. director. [ ♪ circus ] >> stephanie: did you read the whole slut bag rant? >> at some point, you just go

really? have you no shame? none? where is shame anymore? >> stephanie: nothing. nobody recognizes it. >> this group of people goes everybody does it. it's cool, it's cool. just get out there. >> stephanie: that was my favorite thing weiner said. who can say how many women -- six, ten, who can say what anyone else thinks is inappropriate. >> i stopped counting. >> most of us have a number. most of us have a number. >> what? >> stephanie: i mentioned her earlier. yertel, mitch mcconnell, his democratic challenger, allison lundergan grimes is plucky. i like her. if doctors told mitch mcconel he had a kidney stone, he would refuse to pass it because he won't pass anything. she is plucky. she said the president and i disagree on a lot of things. senator mcconnell will use the same tactics to claim i was a cheerleader for president obama.

i'm as much of a cheerleader as mcconnell is a chippendale's dancer. a little shot at the mcconnell physique. she's one of five daughters in a devout catholic family but i'm also for separation of church and state. supportive of the supreme court decision in roe v. wade and this is the kind of choice that has to be up to the woman and her doctor. she's giving mitch a yearly run for his money which isn't hard because he isn't very fast. >> you could have watched the reality show. like i did. and learned more about the judge. >> that was so awesome. >> you should be more afraid of the mother than ashley. >> stephanie: the mother decides to run. >> yeah. >> she's a little controlling. >> a tad. maybe a little narcissistic. >> a tad. >> stephanie: speaking of. [ cuckoo clock chimes ] >> before she goes, bat [ bleep ] crazy michele bachmann is calling on representative

charlie rangel to apologize for negative comments he made about the tea party movement. [ ♪ "nbc nightly news" ] >> i'm not going to apologize for that. it's all true. tell me something that's wrong that i said. >> stephanie: he said of them, it's the same group we faced in the south with the white crackers and the police. bachmann tweeted she would set up meetings for rangel to complain his comments. or you can pick up a history book. >> i prefer creepy ass cracker. but i'll go with that one. >> stephanie: favorite kind of cracker, creepy ass. like the pretzel crackers. >> with the ranch. >> anything goes good with ranch. >> throw it in the crock-pot and you have boiling ranch. [ laughter ] don't tell me you don't want to dip into that. >> stephanie: cool ranch. >> boiling hot ranch burns the skin off the inside of your mouth. [ ♪ "nbc nightly news" ] >> stephanie: did you see this? gay couple forced to the back of the bus in albuquerque. we need a gay rosa parks.

it was albuquerque's pride festival. a gay couple said they flew into the city minutes after arriving getting their bags, a shuttle bus driver at the airport forced them to sit in the back of the bus because they were holding hands. this happened a month ago because the couple has not received an apology from the shuttle bus company is and is considering legal action. i saw him look down at his hands, he looked angry. he said if you're going to do that, you're going to the back of the bus. >> oh, my god! >> i'm sorry. is this grade school? you don't get to tell me where i'm sitting. no in the weird in between where you're my new dad. >> stephanie: you didn't have my -- my bus driver was terrifying when he was going to catholic school in lockport, new york. >> weren't you rich? our catholic school didn't have buses. seriously. >> stephanie: are we going to have this fight now? >> they would show us a slide show of the vatican's art collection. could the pope let go of a

michelangelo. we could get a bus around here. >> stephanie: you would be a foot from the bus stop. she would leave on purpose. >> good for her. you know what, it teaches people be punctual. i'm always early. i hate late. i'm with her. she was probably smoking while she was driving, too. love it. that lady should have been my older sister. >> stephanie: all right. >> said kathleen madigan who came in halfway through the first segment. [ laughter ] >> well, i'm always on time. i'm always on time but i was texting travis so i'm going to throw him under the bus. i don't text and drive so travis, guess what, every word i type, i'm 30 seconds late. >> thanks, travis! [ laughter ] >> stephanie: one last gay -- if you could take your organ -- brian fisher, do you listen? he said american gay activists should support russia's controversial gay laws in the

spirit of diversity. i think he's engaging in snarky humor. he said he sees pervasive culture of multiculturism. he suggested those calling for a boycott embraced the russian laws because they should be about celebrating the wonder of diverse cultures. they ought to be excited about this. we've got plenty of room in our multicultural world. isn't it wonderful? [ buzzer ] >> he's pulling the christians are being discriminated against card. >> oh, right. >> i like that it's a trend. are you trending? it's a trend. it is not really a trend but okay. throw that in at the end to make it insignificant. >> stephanie: exactly. kathleenmadigan.com is where you can get your kathleen madigan needs met. >> that's it. i'm going to valentine, nebraska. who will be there? me and the indian tribe that's liared me. i love them. >> stephanie: see you

tomorrow.