dot com. anchor thought he had to hide his illness fearing its revelation could cost him everything his career his position is germany's 1st choice goalkeeper but hiding the illness was not a long term solution. on nov 10th 2009 and had committed suicide his germany team mates found out why they

were having dinner together. with these what was suddenly everyone in the room was nervous showed us his phone and said hey something's happened. with you nothing when i told them the news you could sense this really strange energy nobody knew how to respond because i was the beast but i'm a. robot and kill was afraid of revealing his illness a fear that had fateful consequences around germany and the whole world many people who suffer from depression also suffer from the fact they condition is often not recognized as an illness. depression is a metropolitan disorder that affects the brain don't really get it involves changes to particular biochemical processes for intent for 25 years professor florian holes bush was president of the max planck institute the psychiatry munich where he researched chemical interactions in the brain he treated germany and been his legal star sebastien dies live for depression holes bo is among the campaigners who call

for depression to be recognized as a malfunction of the body not dismissed as emotional distress. we also have to recognize that depression is not a weakness of character or something that can be overcome by pulling yourself together. this is and it's a disease just like pneumonia or a slipped disc. like many people suffering from depression but ankle is only ill in phases in the periods in between those who suffer from depression can be in good health and highly motivated. to lisbon in february 2002 i was a sports reporter for a german newspapers in spain at the time and portugal to some point i heard there was a young talented goalkeeper from germany had been. benefit. and he's goalkeeping

coach val to young hands had noticed after he'd had an impressive season that meant kinglet that. i want their own regular reporter duty and we spent a very nice day together he was one of those people you get along with right away. then 25 was glad to have a friend in a foreign country the 2 men communicated frequently over the years to come primarily fire text message. and what ronald reagan didn't know was that i had been suffering from panic attacks as soon as he'd arrived in portugal. as far as well as asked and that was the 1st time when i really noticed wow something's wrong is. considered by the voice and i went to see them and told me he had to get out of there immediately it was panic and escape us. it would be several weeks until ankle returned to lisbon but he did manage to settle down and had a happy 3 years of benfica. his goalkeeping feats made him

a hero of the club. meanwhile fixed rituals helped to make him feel it seeds. that i know what i love more that in my heart a llama would always poop on the one tree robert would say that made him feel good to me because he knew he could depend on the law to always use the same tree for me to hide in mind and that seems crazy to me but he said it gave an insecurity inconsistency so they stand and that is what his life was like so was that he was always wary of anything new. that you asked my bangs. was a young troubled goalkeeper in lisbon he was actually very happy with his wife and their 7 dogs because he was captain of benfica but at the same time hear that constant pressure a professional athlete feels to reach a higher level. and

the next level franco was barcelona the club he joined in 2002. you know he was recommended by israel same way we used to be able brits coach up and it was july 2nd 2002 he'd been there just a couple of weeks we were sitting outside in the sun at a cafe and he told me he wanted to stay at barcelona for a long time he was really happy but all that changed in a matter of weeks when he realised he was. 1st pick for barcelona coach louise fun or not it was for. me. here in the office of his former agent you. think is barcelona jersey takes pride of place. if this were the 1st big setback was him coming to barcelona and then the young victor valdes was suddenly playing he was on nobody's radar. when the downward spiral

began when he apparently entered a really deep clinical depression with you with. robert anka blamed himself for not making the number one goalie spot his own already having a predisposition for depression he now suffered an acute outbreak of the illness. as a professional footballer you're obviously in the public spotlight and you have to accept that with a predisposition you're more likely to suffer this kind of depression here and so he puts on. a spanish cup game against the division of elder looks like an opportunity to stake his claim but the underdogs pulled off an unlikely $32.00 victory the shock defeats was not the reason for increased depression but it was the trigger for the illness becoming acute. as a. decisive game even before he left he told me terry with this

match i can only. digs his own grave read one newspaper headline to make front to poor publicly handed responsibility for the defeat to anchor whose condition subsequently went from bad to far worse what an awful place sometimes he wouldn't get out in the morning when he put the blinds down or closed the door and not come out how problems getting dressed. and coming he couldn't get out of bed he couldn't move due to anxiety and his depression because who. asked him to help me understand how he felt like if it and he said it's horrible magine being in a tunnel and there's a light in the distance but then i live on. and you want to go there but it's so dark and you just hope that this little late doesn't go out about us planning lists

initial hours a foundation set up an anchor's name has created a virtual reality project that incorporates anchors experiences participants a weighted vest and a 360 degree video advisor to get an idea of the symptoms suffered by people with depression. among the scenarios is a football dressing room based on incas own personal accounts of his condition. it's a hear about the kind. in russian comic lish the kind that i so want to be in. on. this mission. the physical. systems i'm told people who watch and listen to it might become more sensitive towards those effect i'm. i'm. aimin to give people

a feeling of what it's like. how it might be to have to pressure the current is what it is only an inkling of what it actually feels like. realizing he had no real future at barcelona because next port of call was istanbul one learns a friend about sheikh. but he wasn't prepared for the job at hand with the fanatical stadium atmosphere after just one match he fled is that bull hoping to begin therapy. but it took weeks for him to find a psychiatry just in cologne so his desperate search would be easier over the last decade the robot and foundation has set up a network of helpers and hotlines for athletes across germany. so my.

you know actually we've come a really long way. that makes me happy personally yeah because we didn't have that back then. at the networks with all the phone numbers of people talking about the illness. and with so many sports psychiatrist involved. in 2004 but got a new start at 10 a reef after getting treatment for his depression he was healthy and happy. there were newspaper articles including the hybrid papers about him supposedly being at rock bottom i visited him into really never seen him so. we sat by the hard. and watch the dock workers he was a reserve goalkeeper return to refund the 2nd legal and he enjoyed going to training with he was just happy to be a healthy again. at the end of the season ankle was recruited by evolved

lean and had of a back in germany also on the team was a young. who was at the beginning of his career. when he joined i had the feeling he already knew me inside and out of your pair and you did this and that that made such an impression on me someone who came from abroad and knew so much about a young player who had just started out. as a psycho saw no sign of any predisposition for depression on the contrary. as i've said he came across as totally self-confident and you know you could sense it in every training session that he wanted to get more out of himself and his teammates were the males on the double so i do think you can see that having come through this illness in 2003 made him a much stronger person and a much stronger goalkeeper. robert spent 5 years in good health living in noise

stat outside had over together with his wife and a whole lot of street dogs that picked up in spain and portugal. for the dog food what a surprise. there was always fun to be had we formed a bond and just enjoyed life and football. i experienced the complete spectrum of a fun loving person by the name for mention and. i mean it's an illness one that can be treated and that you can come back from as robbie often demonstrated and then he himself again. the general public later believed that and because slide back into clinical depression had been caused by the death of his daughter lara from a heart defect but he emerged from the tragedy in good health. towards

larose death didn't make him ill he was stable year but. until then he might not have understood how important life. but then he became aware of it and it was. robert encouraging a training session 4 months after the loss. and just spend all day grieving and was sitting in a corner and saying there's no future life has to go on i have a responsibility towards myself and my wife and the fun for the moment of holding. the anchors spent their beloved daughter's 3rd birthday at her grave. we tried to stay optimistic but we stood there dressed in colorful clothes and basically celebrated our daughter. last. 6 months off to laura's passing robert anchor made his debut for germany. and just gotten very

proud of my 1st car but it's a shame we feel to get at least a draw to me but of course i'm glad about my 1st international car for a new year with us. and in the national team he found himself playing with his old friend pam metz a secular again. team would meet up the 1st thing we do was call and see whether the other one was already there i thought it was great. by now the big question in the german eating was who would succeed the enslavement and goal thank. god was off by the time neither of us was interested in rubbishing the other guys in the media need to know there was this general rule of the game this battle to be german goalie i go but we always got on really well this company thought i was most fun i we've got the

number one was a favorite chance among the hanover fans but anka suffered for a time from the tabloid stating their preference for the younger rennie adler but in the end anchor himself the jersey germany's goalkeeping coach andy carroll picked him for the upcoming world cup in 2010. at the beginning of 2009 and corrodes his wife a poet. for your birthday what would you like a diamond huge and pure cats horses dogs i know that's going too far. how will things continue on our journey through life together. it's very moving to read this now it still really moves me to this day. and. i'm not worried today is here tomorrow is just around the corner only one thing is for certain i need you now and i love you. poor thing i can't believe how

positive that was that he was fine and was thinking about the future. when i read this i can't believe that he killed himself half a year later. the illness was just lying in wait you can't say when it'll come for you. in the summer of 2009 he spilled this resurfaced. that was a very difficult time we had to play a captain mouse game with the media because it was terrified that he'd never again be able to do the thing he loved the most play football with. the national team trained without him on the advice of his therapist thank you for again keeping a diary. past the september

september 1st 2009 i lay in bed half the day until terry phoned me and told me i had to get up. that. 3rd 2000 and didn't sleep everything seemed so pointless i'm finding it difficult to concentrate and thinking about ending my life. instead of speaking about his problem anchored told people he was suffering from a virus under no circumstance would he go public with his depression. and he said he had some virus that wasn't yet recognized it was a huge burden on him for the. therapy sessions with his psychiatry's think being conducted via telephone oh i'm going back to have i noticed that one point he had never mentioned how he really felt. he had contained and make jokes that i didn't then one time i listened in and said that i know robby that's just not true i have

any purpose and it's a very difficult balancing act for the relatives of a person with depression how closely should i watch over him and how much freedom do i allow him so that he can still be an individual and still have a little room to breathe so he doesn't feel completely at someone else's mercy complet. the antidepressants he was taking weren't having the same effect they were 6 years previously. the meds weren't working anymore so it was time to try therapy so i told his club little call but has a psychological illness and is now undergoing treatment in the house as we drove home from the clinic a couple of days before he died he said i'm not doing this i couldn't believe it.

because i was just about to call you and inform him but what was so afraid he stopped me on the. well but i think the clinic would have saved him his. thank i wanted to keep up the facade and he was soon back in goal for an away game in cologne following 2 months out. in retrospect forced hospitalization would have been the right thing to do we'll never know if we will but would still be with us today if we'd done that but it might have given him a chance. on the sunday evening against hamburg and played his final match. he embraced national teammate people try to call ski 2 days later his friend 20 wrinkled him. i called his whole only theresa was in and i

talked to her for a long time she was in a good mood because she felt it will be was on the road to recovery he was laughing again today we know why he was thinking i know how to get rid of the disease for good i'll be dead soon with that attitude to me but. when a sick person decides to put an end to his suffering the decision by itself can bring a sense of liberation because he knows the suffering will soon be over. at half past noon i called or he was in his car and he was insanely stressed and he said to me i'll call you back this evening now i know why he was stressed because he was on his way to kill himself. decision to hide his condition would prove to be fatal.

even after another staff was what we were bonded so close together we thought our love could conquer anything. not 0. but it doesn't always work like that. does not before. it still has a hold over me. hip of me by so it is my duty to protect this young man. knew what i failed. as kava but now must not have his death there was no structure in ways no network or charity for athletes. that he was alone and his illness wasn't ever really addressed as it happens i understood why he couldn't just come out and say i have depression or. it wasn't like it is today after his tragic death i would always recommend for people to open up and seek help off. during

the funeral service it was clear that depression was a to do subject. story inspired other athletes to go public with their own suffering marcus miller was one such case. you don't want to just stand there in light of people. who want to stop playing hard to see. skiing star lindsey vonn spoke up about her depression. to make that worse the next one i had to take myself to open up and speak to people about these things. in 2018 danny rose an england football international opened up about his battle with depression. he recovered to make the world cup squad. someone in the public eye someone who's achieved so much that someone so strong can

be affected by this illness than someone like me just a regular joe can be affected too. and it's no one's fault. but i think that plays such a vital role opening up and talking about your feelings can really make you feel normal again. because story has also inspired friend and former teammate pam. today he runs the arsenal youth academy helping to mold a new generation of professional footballers he wants his players. to be honest and open when they experience problems. i know it isn't easy even so i try to be more open i remind the young players that we all have problems sometimes and that we're allowed to share them and also. a 2nd himself suffered from panic attacks and self-doubt as reported by german newspaper desh spiegel last year. according to the former defender the time has

come for people to be more open with one another. and that's happening when he has nothing to do with being weak it's about working on things to make life easier and learning from our experiences and also the thoughts one. can because it's so the message is clear it's time for us to take depression seriously and to do everything possible to help people seek medical assistance. said a razor and is living at hanover and happy again despite having once expected to grow old with rob it. was at his dream was to one day become the goalkeeping coach at benfica to live in lisbon. and i think that had he managed to get through those issues he's now be

leading a happy and satisfied life. and then. he can no longer be by my side but he remains in my heart and that thought gives speech strength. in my every day life memories of little bird laughing come to mind. and credibly beautiful laugh you can ask other people who knew and worked with him. after all. often comes to mind and that's still the case after 10 years is that the memory is still strong still fresh an old one or that the memories aren't as painful as they once were i was it would be a little bit. wild only one thing's for certain i need you and i love you.

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