on a planet other than earth to travel to mars attached to the rather perseverance nasa has pushed back the flights by a few days. the daily news live from berlin up next in the documentary on redefining masculinity you can also find much more news and analysis on our web site e.w. dot com i mean a homage that's watching a by. 1986 . it's their story their very own personal drama. the people who survived the catastrophe and remember. and they share private footage of us that has never been seen before. back to chernobyl starts april 28th on t w. one

told me this horrifying story told me. he was a hockey dad. he was a hockey game. this father this boy did ok not great and this father was korean them for voice in front of 100 people 200 people and he wanted screaming at her and the sun started to cry and he started screaming at him for crier. and this man observed this boy maybe 1314 goes up into the stands where his mother's shooting he sits next to his

mother still in tears the mother reaches an arm to comfort him and he punches the mother in the face that's the transmission a pager. on review your machines are forced mr. you. mean the big preoccupation throughout my life has been them. what is healthy now i have. never seen it. you know i don't get angry at somebody that's outside me. until i've already completely shredded myself inside. but i've got i've got nothing to work on inside so i am he didn't need to need it and then tell better assoc

comes forward oh yeah 11 day you're your partner says something that strikes you the wrong way you know them though yeah so i think what i'm after here today because i'm still. thrashing myself about my inability to work in the world with other adults. let me start with you learning how to not thresh a cell phone much less think it will be 2 or how many men in this group give themselves a really hard time. how violent is a really hard time. most men have terrible relationships to

themselves they're more vibrant to themselves than they are to other people we judge ourselves based on performance other people's opinions what we have that's outside in self-esteem maybe in particular rely on performance space the scene there we talk about the fragile male ego well this is what it is it's fragile because there's no internal sense of self-worth it's all based on how well you do you know this particular day and how well you did yesterday doesn't much count i think it comes to me 2 different ways when i'm feeling cornered that i have to do something like this demanding a reaction and i'm feeling we it when i'm feeling traumatized that's in that moment i'm feeling a sense of i don't know what to do and yeah get me from that to the range of the

anger. i think it's rage at being put in that position. sort of feeling like you know this is not my doing or responsibility but i'm the one who asked it here with us you feel shame for not being able to get yourself out of it in a quote normal way. you know i think anger definitely kicks in at myself for not being one of those people who. you know grew up. not traumatized or just grew up in i don't know figured out some better outlet for their trauma trauma wasn't your fault. yeah but you take it on and shame ok yeah i feel that that the sadness wash over. on her yeah

i think i always felt the sadness it's going to hurt me or it does hurt me there's a feelings will not hurt you know running from feelings can kill you. it is part of the essence of traditional masculinity that you can run from shame helplessness paralysed into grandiosity better than superiority dominance and revenge and i think this is the root of male violence you hurt me i get hit you twice as her back all perpetrators see themselves as angry victims even while they're lashing in.

you know for 50 years feminist psychologists have correctly identified that the healing move for most girls and women is really empowering about finding their voice and the world this decision. never having a voice or singing. the world for boys and men comes much earlier than girls about 345 years old. and the woman is about disconnection we teach them to disconnect from their feelings which he should to disconnect from vulnerability we teach him to disconnect from other people we call that being independent. is a particular trauma that men learn to escape by moving from shame to grandiosity. grandiosity is driving for much of what's difficult and then grandiosity itself is

a consequence of problems that men to not ask for and that little boy cannot ask for. f f f f. f f f f. ah wow law allows. can you think i am glad he knew. that. back. there at least 2 truths about boys that we tend to overlook and their estimate and the 1st is that boys have relational capabilities. oh. yeah when you're getting the other truth about places out there going to the. pool

. and of course the other we sit back and think about it we know these things but we still tend not to. acknowledge them or value them in voice to the point where vulnerability or relational capabilities boys they may recognize those things in themselves but they know they shouldn't show other people they know it's considered a feminine weakness they know it's a liability they might be seen as soft boys or sensitive always on in fact even adults you know most adults can think of oh yeah i know what we're like that who really cares about other people who's you're so sweet and really kind and very gentle but they are always referring to those ways as being the exceptions. the fact killed was. that one of the things that kind of motivates boys to conform to group and cultural norms is exactly this desire to identify with and relate to the other boys. oh i think it's not that the case here that there's this

need to prove masculinity and they do it in some abstract sense out of obligation is that they're trying to connect. for instance at this particular school the boys had created a club on the moon team and it was created by the boys for the boys for the expressed purpose of acting against the girls. it was also meant to help them to find themselves in opposition to the girls and so in the beginning. he wanted to color the good but then he realized wait the girls are good the girls are good and nice and so we have to be who are the boys opposite of the girls so then they can see that the bad team or the mean team and the bad team just didn't wasn't really meant something that they wanted to be a mother. when i asked them also what does the mean team do like what's mean i think says like oh so if they're playing a game or something we might come by and try to disturb it like say talk during

their game reception it was never coming physically right. sometimes the girls were chased them and then they would get scared. but it got complicated because the meantime created a hierarchy among the boys so there was a bust of the me team. and when i interviewed robert it was not the boss of the mean team he would say that mike the boss you know he's the boss so he gets to decide what to do and we have to do it and that's it will you know what if you don't want to do it because i could do it anyway. and at one point rob there's something more i don't always want to do with the other players a doing and so he had this dilemma where he wanted to break away from the mean team but he was worried that if he tried to then all the boys would gang up and just come after him and. another boy shake confided in you think well actually i'm friends with all of the girls but the meaning team is not supposed to associate with the girls. that's one boy this place to make the bus and so he says you know

you're fired from the mean team you're on 1000 in europe girls. gender socialization involves a response and disconnections. they feel like i have all these feelings and there's nowhere for these feelings to go and the fact that i even have them makes me an anomaly. that they have a disconnect compared to themselves it can't be for the present in january. then nobody will know them. this is this path to loneliness.

news. to. the world. 'd when i started in 2004 there were very few spaces that i saw people focusing on what the i mean these were. they think that they become a man when they can get a license or they're 21 they can drink but we have this like teenage years where you're like trying to figure it out so we've got boys walking around have no purpose have no value system around here is my role as a man in this community some i'm sure looks you major now little boy i'm not

a man and i'm not seen i'm a young man so what is my role or nothing just figured out when i become. that's dangerous to have millions of teenage boys with no purpose except to wait for manhood so they get serious about life. welcome everybody welcome there's very little happening i think in most of the schools that are students that have been in trouble say how do you come back out how do you go through this challenging life situation and they restore yourself back right we say ok were you there for an hour long you'd be there i believe we can do some work around that when we got to do some healing work so on the website he says front of mast so we're going to just go on the left side of it we're going to draw a mess and so where's his front of the mask please join me. on

the same side where you drew the mask i want you to write 3 words or 3 phrases that are qualities of yourself that you clarity let the world see what are qualities of yourself or characteristics of yourself that you had out of your house you go see the world what are 3 things you glad that people see. and never going to the back of the mask the back of the mass of things we normally don't let people see you know we don't talk about what you write those words as back a man asked. if we don't give men in boys starting with boys these tools to say i'm heard.