i think we're going to go know. all right. that's it for us here on "the five" have a great weekend. see you monday. be careful, bob. no, don't do that. captioned by closed captioning services, inc >> welcome to red eye. i'm andy levi, filling in for greg gutfeld, who is at the doctor. let's go to mike baker for our pregame report. mike, what's coming up? >> he just turned interest a diligence president. >> that's how it works. >> thank you for asking. tonight, we asked the question, if space aliens land on earth, could they vaporize the researchers who have wasted time and money examining what might happen if space aliens land on

earth. should masturbation be off limits in a nationally televised interview. should the topic of be off limits during a nationally televised interview? and at what point did it become accessible for dudes to cry at movies? unless it's the magnificent 7 oracley's heroes. all of that and what could be the world's greatest children's bedtime story, coming up on the big show. a belated happy birthday to you. >> thanks. and thanks for not coming to my party itch i was otherwise detained. >> yeah. i was being searched. >> that's it. i'm done. i'm going to stand by. >> stand by for news. let's welcome our guests. i'm here with alleged fox news channel anchor, patti ann browne. >> rumors. >> alleged comedian and whole foods enthusiast dan soder. alleged human being bill schultz. and a first-time guest, an

actual author, his latest book, go the "f" to sleep, reached number 1 on new york times and amazon.com best sellers. he cries in his crib. >> times ombudsman began in print journals in 1976 at the glencoe guardian. in 1984, he became the washington post city editor and a national reporter and moved and wrote a column for the kansas city star and was appointed editor in 1992 and became the publisher. became the fourth public editor of the times on june 21, 2010, all of which begs the question: how did you earnier ombudsman title mr. an dpriew levi? >> i don't know. but thanks for the nap time. >> again, i ask, how did you earn the ombudsman title? >> i'm moving on to the first story before we hemorrhage any more viewership.

>> working at the mattress factory doesn't count. >> should we curb greenhouse gases so aliens don't kick our asses? some scientists are saying that curbing our carbon imprint might curb alien invasion. they speculate that the little green men could be really green and wary of civilizations that expand too quickly, the way humans have driven to extinction some species, like hampsters. so aliens might choose to wipe us out to protect other civilizations. the authors write, quote... while the cosmos will fascinate many questions about our planet remain, like, do pandas like cake?

>> i'm going to give that a definite maybe. so on a scale of serious to dead serious, how serious should we take this report? >> this is obviously what happen when is you shut down the space program and a bunch of nerds have too much time on their hand. he works for nasa, but they are saying that nasa and the government were not involved in the study. so who funded this thing? did somebody really pay to have this done? and did this guy do it on his own time or work time. ? >> i think he and a couple of other scientists -- or what did you call them? >> geeks? nerdz? i'm not sure. >> i think they did it for their university. but nasa had nothing to do with

this. >> right. >> dan, they are saying our rising greenhouse emissions are a beacon to aliens. isn't that a good thing? shouldn't we welcome them? >> yeah. that would be great. first, when you come to the planet, i am totally cool. so no problems here. anybody else says anything on the panel, take them, enslave them. i will stay in my windowless room in queens. >> very brave of you. thank you. out in front. >> adam, a couple of days ago, a new york times columnist paul crugman. >> you would think with s.a.g., one of them would have to change their names. >> if we discovered alien, it would end our economic slump. i am assuming he's all for global warming, right? >> sure. that stands to reason, right. i think it would end the economic slump because wartime is profitable for everybody. so dick cheney would be happy. everybody would be pleased. >> i think also it's great that nasa is employing out-of-work screen writers now.

>> very good point. bill, is this report a sign that you and your fellow global warming alarmists are desperate? >> listen, it's a lot more than that. first of all, could we get rid of the notion that there is any type of alien that even remotely resembles what hollywood would have us believe. the first signs of life are going to be less e.t. and more amoba. they are only going to destroy our dreams. and this e.t. version we keep perpetuating that is going to come and got us. that's as fake as the global warming slop. sorry, i'm up for review. >> but i think the aliens that landed at -- area 51. >> weather balloon! weather balloon. you are ridiculous. >> you are one of those people. all right. fine. pat tyann, if aliens attack,

would you rather die at their hands -- assuming they have them or being enslaved? >> i have the bikini all ready in case that comes out. no. that was really horrifying. i know men love that scene. >> by the way, if you are good with such thing, get the photoshop going on the question i just asked. >> either way -- >> what do you know about post production? you ruined everything. either way, the reason guys like that scene is because every guy is java and thinks you can get a girl like princesslia. >> she looks great. but it's creepy. >> java looks pretty hot too. >> he does. >> adam, does this fail to take into account the fact that dr. who will save us. >> that's the first thing that crossed my mind. but any alien race would capture dr. who first. >> all right. we are going to argue after the

show about how that will never happen. >> they are smarter than you give them credit for. >> not smarter than dr. who. >> i thought he was an alien. >> it's zombies that are the real problem. >> dan, scientists in cooperation with the u.s. government and stanley kubrick faked a moon landing, why am i believing them on this? >> i don't know. i'm going to tell you right now, i feel like if aliens did come down, i would turn all of you in. >> you have made that clear. >> yeah. i want to let them know again. >> bring that up a couple more times. in case they missed the top. >> if you don't, i'm worried. >> i was reading the report because i like to be thorough -- >> sure. >> it says that they were nasa affiliated scientists, which is very different from working for nassasm you probably hang outside -- i think he was an intern. i'm not joking. i think he made a clarification and said, i'm an intern at nasa.

>> wow. >> so, yeah. my final take on this, if aliens come to the earth to destroy us, one of them will realize despite our faults, we are a good and noble race and he will work with us, most likely dying after saving us. moving on, from alien fears to an alien names pierce. was he too mean to christine? former senate candidate and not a witch, christine o'donnell is defending her decision to depart a tweeter saying he was asking sexually harassing questions. here's what happened wednesday night. >> curious about whether you support gay marriage. >> you are borderline being eighths bit rude. >> really? >> i obviously want to talk about the issues that i choose to talk about in the book. >> do you answer that question in the book? >> i talk about my religious beliefs. yeah. i absolutely do. >> do you talk about gay

marriage in the book? >> what relevance is that right now? is there a piece of legislation? i shouldn't be voting on anything. >> it's obviously, as you know because of michele bachmann's views, it's a highly contentious political issue. i am curious what you're view is. i am bemused why wouldn't you say it in an interview. >> i don't think it's relevant. yeah. i'm being pulled away. we turned down another view interview -- interview for this. >> where are you going? you are leaving. it would appear that the interview has been ended because i had the audacity to ask questions based on stuff that's in this book. >> so on thursday, o'donnell plained eye use that word loosely, to our fox affiliate in d.c. >> first of all, i want to set the record straight, it wasn't the question on gay marriage. he had a decidedly inappropriate line of questions leading up to

that that, you know, many people, what the bloggers are saying was borderline creepy. i was not there to talk about sex. he would not stop trying to talk about sex. >> do you feel you handled it the right way? >> yeah, yeah. you know, what could you do? he's not ending it. we are late. we are over time. what do do you when you are tethered to a chair with a microphone and, you know, people are waiting for you. we are on a very tight schedule. we have had a very packed schedule. but i wish him well. >> of course you do. meanwhile, red eye has acquired tape of the post show, removing his makeup. actually, disassociating myself from that video. o'donnell said she was upset about earlier questions, not the one about gay marriage, questions about masturbation and

stuff like that she claims wouldn't have been directed at a man. do you think he was being sexist? >> well, she raises the question -- she says, first of all, that she wrote those comments in the 90s and she says, really, if you had bill clinton on, would you say, hey, are you still hanging out with monica lewinsky, are you still smoking cigars? but she was on the topic of the book. once the topic of masturbation came up, she knew there wasn't going to be a happy ending. >> nice. [chuckles] >> although being to be clear -- bill clinton -- who knows if he likes chicks. >> if i had bill clinton on the show, i would be asking him about monica lewinsky. >> you sure would. >> absolutely. adam, her claims that this is sexual harassment are ridiculous, aren't they? >> not if you take into account the fact that she's christine

o'donnell. she has the misunderstanding that she is asked to be on the show as a serious political candidate. she has graduated from that to being someone you bring on your show to make fun of them and point out how ludicrous they are. if she understood that, she would have had a better sort of understanding of what was going to happen. >> do you think she's playing the sarah palin card -- if you make the mean mediate story, then that works for you. >> yeah, yeah. villainize the media. i plan to did that later in the hour. >> by the way, we are not in the media. i don't know what your publicist told you. yeah. you have been given bad information. >> i have to look into that. >> yeah. >> i am going to form an sploratory committee to explore the possibility of forming a committee later down the line itch that's how it works. >> i am going to go to iowa immediately. >> good idea. dan, was o'donnell being too

sensitive, the way chicks always are? >> if she wanted that drink that he was going to buy her, i think you sit in the pocket and you take more juice. but in her defense, what they did edit out was his creepy bottom lip bite after every question. so maybe she had a point. i don't know. >> we haven't seen the whole tape. >> i want to see the director's cut. >> bill, she does in her book, she discusses abstinence, masturbation and she also discusses the stuff that she said in the 90s. why is it off bounds for morgan to bring it up? >> that's why i bought the book. i found out that she's against all of that stuff. >> really? >> which was my bad. the thing she was claiming to run out to do, she was going to speak in front of a bunch of republican women. she thinks that that group is any less sexually harassing, she no, sir never spoken in front of a new york-based republican

women's group. i was speaking at a brunch and i am still having nightmares. they made me do the elephant trunk dunk. i am still limping. these girls are creepy! i love 'em! call me. >> horrible human being. >> they are great. >> adam, morgan is saying that o'donnell's claim of sexual harassment might be actionable. now they are just both milking the crap out of this, right? >> it seems this way. frivolous lawsuits are something we engage in as americans, it's our right. i think it's in the consitution. 12th amendment. right. i am impressed that as a brit, he is willing to engage also in frivolous lawsuits. >> good point. i think he might think he's still in england. i am not clear that he knows he's inmer america. >> i don't think he's british. i think he's an actor from iowa. >> this is a good point. have you seen a british person that british? it's a stereotype.

>> he's selling it too hard. >> yeah. [laughter] >> wearing a white wig. moving on. from acting testy to getting testy. when homework time's up, should junior pea in a cup? hempfield middle school students may be bringing home more than their shame at not climbing the gym rope. the superintendent explains, quote... before you get your libertarian panties in a bunch, the kids will be offered voluntarily and the school district won't have access to the results. the goal is for parents to come down on their craving kids. can anyone score against robot

goalie? >> robot groupy scored with robot goalie right after the game. you were saying in the green room, as far as you are concerned, the brats should be drug tested every hour and put back in their shackles. that seems extreme. >> i did not say that, for the record. not saying i disagree with that. no... you know, one of the comments and one of the articles i am going to blatantly rip off points out that the school is hempfield and the quote is from a guy named randy stoner. i think it's a hoax. but further down in the comments, most people were outrage that the district is spending taxpayer money to buy the kits to provide them to parents. this is tax dollars. >> now that you have answered every question i have, i don't know what we are going to do --

[laughter] >> dan, is hempfield getting too involved in the personal lives of their students, or as you say, not personal enough? >> yeah. you are right. i think they need to pee tests every time they walk in the door. i think this is genius because now we have a new generation of students who are going to be able to beat their probation officers, learn to get around the tests. it's knowledge on a real level. they are doing their job. >> a great job. >> adam, i have to say, for the record, i don't agree with you when you say that president obama should be impeached because of this. where are you getting that from? >> christine o'donnell and i talked about this -- >> really? as a father, does something like this, is this a good idea? does it creep you out? >> i feel,im going in another direction. i think that hempfield should distribute marijuana to one group of students and randomly drug test another group and see

who does better on the standardized tests. i am putting my money on the stoners. >> if they show up. >> bill, after hearing this, do you feel like you dropped out of middle school just in time? >> just in time! >> last week. >> yeah. even then -- this is before i was active with women, each then my tests burped. to what dan said, it's very true and the real winners are the nerds because back in the day, the nerds would be in the bathroom stalls getting swirlies, now they are in the stalls getting clean urine are in the bullies. they are making serious buck right now. way to go, dorks! >> my take is that the school superintendent says if they can affect one kid out of 6300, they are doing their job -- no, you're not. you are doing a horrible job. >> what is the cost-benefit ratio. >> they need to take a math

class. are women in popular media overly sexualized? we will look at lots of sexy pictures of women in popular media and decide.

>> should flying the friendly skies mean preventing passenger cries? rumors about me and that steward -- lies. virgin airlines will issue emotional health warnings to travelers on flights airing tinseltown tear jerkers after a survey said that 41% of men hid under blankets to cry during sensitively intense in-flight films. the airlines will flash a message that warns viewers of tearful scenes ahead and that

they should keep a tissue handy and they have stopped airing bathtime for hedge hogs, period, after too much sobbing on transatlantic flights. we are airing a clip, but i urge sensitive viewers to leave the room. >> come on, buddy. >> i don't know where the tattoos end and the hedgehog begins. is this a dumb idea or an incredible i stupid one? >> you know, it's funny, of all the things that airlines do to make you cry -- [laughter] >> waiting 6 hours, leaving you alone, trying to sleep over three seats on christmas day. you know, movies are really the least of their problems, as far as i can tell. >> yeah. >> maybe they should do this at

the airport on the screen with your takeoff time. do not read this screen if you don't want to cry. when is the last time you teared up in a movie? >> anything starring bruce willis. we have an intense emotional connection. >> i could get that from you. >> yeah, yeah. hudson hawk, especially. probably the greatest movie of the 90s. >> pat ty, armageddon is my go-to crying movie. >> i chose to let the world know i cry at armageddon. do you want to be told what emotion you are about to feel when you are watching a movie? isn't that a spoiler? >> it's ridiculous. if men really are concerned about this, i recommend that they switch to quantus. quantus has on-demand movies, including the female orgasm

explained, including naked scenes and explains the secrets of female sexual pleasure. >> that would make bill cry. >> anybody got a pen? >> this is an uncredited cameo by christine o'donnell. >> is that right?! >> dan, first of all, just go with it is one of these movies, that's an adam sandler movie. >> well, if you have seen happy gilmore, you have seen where his career and movies have gone. i'm kidding. i know, that was a cheap shot. >> as opposed to your career, sir? >> watching them crying. >> i don't understand what the big deal is. im more concerned about babies crying than men crying. if a guy is crying, look at him, he has emotions. if a baby's crying that doesn't understand english. >> to me, there is nothing better than a baby crying because it's not my baby. every time as a parent you hear a baby crying and it's not your baby, you feel wonderful.

you are so relieved. >> someone is not polluting the earth with other humans. how about that? [laughter] >> you will be in front, helping them. >> bill, i bet you wish you were allowed on virgin flights now, don't you, you sensitive security threat? >> yes. in 2004, i was going to interview lucia reicher, the bad girl boxener million-dollar baby. i thought, being a journalist, i might as well see the film. i went to the theater and i watched million dollar baby. wow! >> oh, yeah. >> wow! it was waves -- my tears had tears. i didn't think i had that many tear ducts. it was so bad that i waited until everyone left the theater and i didn't use that exit, i used the weird ones by the screen that no one uses and i was still crying, two blocks down the street.

everybody's looking at you and my eyes were redder. anyway, i think what virgin is doing is amazing. never, ever see million dollar baby. >> all right. to be fair, you had had a really bad week. >> yes. i was up, i was down. >> if huseen the warning -- if you had seen the warning, would you have not seen the film. e >> in after seeing that film, i will never watch anything as emotional as just go with it. >> all right. do you have a comment on the show? email us. and leave a voicemail on greg's direct line. still to come, the half-time report. >> the half-time report is sponsored by furies. who often dress up and attend conventions. thanks, furies.

>> welcome back. we go to mike baker. what's up, mike? >> hey. look at that, everybody on the screen at the same time. this is my favorite part of the show. what are the chances we got anything wrong? >> slim, i think. >> yeah. well, let's go to what the viewers are clamoring for, that would be the update chart on who

got anything wrong. you will see from tonight's -- yeah, from tonight's episode that so far, p.a.b. is in the lead. yeah, i don't believe i. five errors? >> no incorrect statements. followed in second by adam. i am not just saying that because i want a signed copy of his book by the time the show ends. of course, we just devolve to bill who has only one correct statement. >> you know, i don't think you think -- i don't think you know what clamoring means. >> no. oartion, no. i have been getting tweeted constantly during the first half of this show. >> really. >> by people who are sending me messages -- >> i don't think you know what tweeted means. [laughter] >> actually, you know what? i don't. you are right. but just to that point, level of interest during the first half of the show, you can see the important parts here where the republicans and the democrats converge on these two lines

during the various blocks. we have a barograph which shows that slightly more people believe in god than in alien existence and the fewest people polled believe the white sox will win the world series this year. >> what is this. >> your wife's a cubs fan, you want to get a piece tonight. that's it [overlapping dialogue] >> i am not even going to try. i don't want to be one of these people that don refers to as polluting the earth with other humans. >> it's accurate. i'm sorry. >> let's get straight into the story. space aliens. >> hey, mike -- you can't say let's get straight into something when you are 2 minutes in. [laughter] >> now, finally, let's go to our stories. shall we? >> that's much better. >> first of all, p.a.b. wanted to know who paid for this

fascinating study. it was a nasa affiliated research effort in combination with penn state university. in fact, it was a taxpayer-funded study. >> there you go. >> exactly. >> thank you. >> there is only one taxpayer. >> also, to pat tyann's point about this is what happens when you have a group of nerds with too much time on their hands. as we saw from the panel discussion on the research incident, when it devolved into a discussion of dr. who and princess leah and fake moon landings, it became the largest nerd panel we have ever had on the red eye. also, a university of connecticut poll shows 77% of americans think that aliens could be real. and actually, mocking bill's point about amoeba aliens, 8 of 10 americans believe that aliens are more advanced than humans.

>> they are stupid, baker. that's my point. >> i'm not arguing with you. let's not forget that the vatican and the pope recently came out and said that it's okay to believe in extraterrestrials. >> yes! thanks, pope! >> that's what i'm talking about. let's go straight into our story about christine o'donnell. shall we? okay. p.a.b., you were asked if pierce was being sexist. you didn't answer the question. >> you know, no. ton -- to be honest, the questions were fair game because they were in the book and she addressed them in the burkes they are out there. but i am not 100% sold that he would have asked the same questions to somebody who he may be respected more, which doesn't mean sexism. but i think he was probably trying to pick on her a little bit. but it was fair game. >> to a fair point. >> i think i took both sides

there. >> dan, -- >> so hot. >> dan, is it possible to get an impression of pierce's lower lip biting? yeah! [laughter] >> stop that, immediately! >> that's a great shot. >> by the way -- we are going to have to blur that out. >> he was born in the united kingdom. christine o'donnell did say in an brew on an mtv program, i am trying to collect my notes, she said in an interview on an mtv program on masturbation, during which she came -- out -- against masturbation -- saying that the bible -- [overlapping dialogue] >> so you can't masture without lust. i don't know where i was going with that. there you go. by the way, she's in line with

roman catholic church, which is also condemned masturbation. so you can't masturbate, but you can believe in extraterrestrials. >> thanks for nothing, pope! >> i don't know where i was going for that. i was going to make a clever sort of connection. then i realized it's me and it's not likely to happen. [chuckles] >> let's go to the drug story, shall we? the people outraged that taxpayer dollars are spent on drug kits was the point from p.a.b., also that they are outraged over taxpayer dollars being spent on the alien space thing from earlier. but more importantly, dan mentioned that this will allow a future generation of kids to beat the parole officers. >> yeah! >> i thought we would have a quick quiz when we talk about the most common and most effective ways of masking a urine test. >> bring it up. >>ip going to give you the four top choices. you tell me which is the most

common and the most effective? masking, diluting the sample, internal dilution or flushing. >> familiar with that. >> or -- >> what was the fourth one? >> substitution. >> i am going to go with substitution, a. a. is the most popular, correct? >> yes, you are right. >> all right. nailed that. and so, does my probation officer in arizona knows that. >> most effective? >> free vial of clean urine. >> dilution is going to go -- i am going to go b. >> two for two. let me update my chart. dan storming ahead here toward the end. and finally, p.a.b., -- >> how is he storming ahead? he's the only one that you asked questions. >> we have limited -- >> we have i. we have a limited amount of time here. we have limited amounts of time. to wrap things up, p.a.b., can you name one film that is on the top 10 girls crying movie list?

>> that's on the list? >> steel magnolias? >> no. >> bill? can you name one? >> yes! i have a story. i agree with t. hotel for dogs. >> you are right, absolutely. andy, to finally wrap things up, you can name one of the guys all-time crying movies off the top 10 list? >> steel magnolias? [laughter] >> no. >> ghost? >> ghost. >> no, it's a guy's list. >> ghost dad. >> it's a guy's list. >> okay. how about -- hoosiers. >> dude, where's my car? >> brian's song. >> field of dreams. we have a winner. that's it. i'm done. >> thanks, mike. freshet it -- sort of. >> sure. >> still to come, what the author of the book, go the "f" to sleep? i bet he says to buy his book, go the "f" to sleep.

i'm so glad we could be here for larry. at a time like this, friends and family matter most. even preparing this lunch is a help, emotionally and financially. mm, it's true. i was surprised to hear there was no life insurance. funerals are so expensive. i hope larry can afford it. i know. that's why i'm glad i got a policy through the colonial penn program. it gives me peace of mind to know i can help my family with some of those expenses. you know, i've been shopping for life insurance. do you think they have coverage for me, something that would fit into my budget? yes. you can get permanent coverage for less than 35 cents a day. if you're between 50 and 85, your acceptance is guaranteed. you won't have to take a physical or answer any health questions. oh, really? with my health, i didn't think i'd qualify. you can't be turned down because of your health. plus, your costs will never go up, and your coverage will never go down. okay. i'm convinced.

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>> will the p.c. be smarter than you and me? possibly now that the wizards have unveiled a computer chip that imitates the brain's ability to perceive, act and think. ibm says the chips would be used in cognitive computers that would learn through experience, rather than being programmed. cognitive computers is code for skynet. nevertheless, ibm offers real-world applications, such as better traffic lights that can flag unsafe intersections or early tsunami warnings. we have tape of a prototype with the chip. >> let's discuss this in the... lightning round. excellent. this is a lightning round of one story.

dan arkts what point do we need to be wary of making computers too intelligent? >> when we start dating them. that's when we need to worry about their intelligence. >> you like dating stupid people -- things. >> yes. >> not humans or robots, but things. >> stupid, you don't care what it is. it could be anything. like that. >> bill, p.a.b., if this can save lives, is it great? >> you know, yeah, it's possible it could have real-life applications, i think it came from watson and jeopardy. they start pod work on this. it's pretty flawed and when it makes mistakes, it makes bad mistakes. i want to know if it's a male brain or a female brain. the feal male brain is caught up on sporting events and the female brain likes to buy shiny objects on tv at night. >> what's up suzy stereotype? >> unbelievable. >> adam, here's the deal. i don't want computers that can

simulate a human brain. humans make stupid decisions all the time. this is how. >> yeah. i am with you all the way. this seems like a huge, huge step back for computers. >> absolutely. >> computers can calculate pi to 10 digits in a nanosecond, i can't remember where i parked my car most of the time. this seems insulting in some way -- >> to the computer. >> i absolutely agree. bill, this would be great for you, have you so few brain cels left, they could put a chip in there. >> that was good for you. did you feel good about this? >> i do. when i watch this, i am going on rewind that over and over. >> smashing. condescending. kisee it right now. >> talk about how i totally wasted you. >> luckily for me, i will have gotten the insult by the next block. to answer your question, i believe this is a good thing. we have seen it earlier in the program, look at robot goalie! robot goalie is already -- he's not mimicking what we do, he's

doing it better. we will watch socker and have dirty computer sex with robot groupy. everyone wins. >> brain cells. >> you discus disgust me. >> check out the podcast, there is a new one every day, not counting today.

>> it's covered in bad language, but enough about my apartment walls. let's talk about the perfect children's bedtime book for parents. go the "f" to sleep was released in june and struck a cord, topping the new york times advice list and amazon.com sales. let's give them a chance to sell more. where did the idea for the book come? i know nobody's ever asked you that. >> it's for my daughter who was two at the time that i wrote it and never fell asleep in less than two hours. one day i staggered out of her room and went to facebook, which is where i go sometimes, you know? and posted be on the lookout for my forthcoming children's book, got "f" to sleep. they tell me they will bleep that later and it's fine.

i was kidding. as soon as i wrote that, i realized, i am a writer and i know how to write that. >> it's not a parent cursing at his kid. >> no, no! it's not. there are two things going on simultaneously in the book, on each page. there is the lovely lullaby verses and then there is the internal monologue of the parent, revealing what is going through one's mind when one is stuck in that room for hours. >> i love it. >> does your daughter know she inspired the book? >> she knows i wrote this book. she thinks it's called go to sleep. she knows there is an illustration of her in it. which must be confusing. i don't know how she processes the fact that there is a book with a picture of her in it. she's 3. >> have you to never -- she can never be allowed to learn how to read. >> that was my plan all along, you know? the liberal media is trying to

mislead people. >> absolutely. you don't want to be indoctrinated like that. the book is composed, but it's 14, four-line verses. do you have a favorite? >> i do. would you like me to read it? >> let me find it. i think this is probably my favorite here. >> go. >> the eagles who soar -- i am going to read it to you as if you were 3 because i'm used to that. >> i usually have to pay for that. >> you owe me a check. >> this isn't pretty. >> the eagle who is soar through the sky are at rest and the creatures who run, crawl and creep. i know you are not thirsty, that's bullshit, stop lying. lie the [bleep] down my darling and sleep. >> my favorite is the owls fly forth through the treetop, through the air they soar and sleep, a heart-love fills my

[bleep], shut the [bleep] up and sleep. any plans to write a sequel. >> i am trying, to avoid that guy who crassly cashes inie a good thing and makes a sequel. i am sure that will change when the money runs out. >> do you take crap? and do you tell them to go to hell. >> the fans are vigilant in defending it against morons. people say i would never read this book to a child. yeah, no kidding. it says on the back of the book, you probably should not read this book to your children. we were ahead of the curve on that one. >> i want to mention quickly, have you written two other books that have been incredibly well received by the critics. angry black white by and the end of the jews and i think you ripped that title off from a pamphlet of mine. >> i was a big fan. >> we need to talk after the

show. >> i am jewish. >> so am i. >> shake on that. >> absolutely. we are on tv. of course, we are jewish. we didn't do the secret handshake, though. can't do the secret handshake. >> so got [bleep] to sleep. we have a special goodbye to someone and possibly the postgame wrapup from mike baker.

>> we wanted to do something different at the end of the show. today was the last day for our summer intern special we thought we would bring him on the set. intern, what's your name? >> we sit this close next to each other every day, but we have the same name. andrew. >> okay. that's great. so, intern, did you have a good summer? >> i had a great summer. this was the best summer of my life, thanks to you and the red

eye staff. thanks for making this experience memorable. >> i know it was an honor and pleasure to work with me. what was it like working with greg and bill. >> greg's great. he's a great writer, quick on his feet. and bill, you know -- >> you meant andy i. no, no, greg. bill. >> i think you meant andy. i'm sorry, go ahead. >> bill, bill... i don't know what to say about bill. no, he's a great guy. i love all of you. thanks. >> that's acceptable. >> what did you learn this summer? anything that surprised you? >> well, i learned that i wasn't good enough to intern for hannity. [laughter] no, i learned about behind-the-scenes, cutting videos, mike-ed me out and nicole and kate and zac and everybody and ben. they know who they are. >> yeah, right. >> yeah, it was great. i learned a lot. and i can take all of