service. we have to leave it right there for "the five" tonight. thanks for watching, everybody. we'll see you tomorrow. ♪ welcome to "red eye." i'm greg gutfeld, organizer and spokesman for occupy brian parks mens room. it is a gathering of men that takes place from 4:00 a.m. to dawn. if are you man enough to join this exclusive group, you probably aren't. tv's andy levy is still out festering and oozing like a giant boil. filling in is the always awesome, "the five" andrea, and who is coming up on tonight's show? >> thanks, greg. tonight i will read each and every e-mail released in the sylindra scandal, topless.

just kidding. they haven't been this furious since they looked into a mirror. they are encouraging the wall street protesters to insight violence. and mark ruffalo, who ever that is, says we should join the protest to get our dignity back. nothing says dignity like crapping on a police car. right, mark? whatever the hell your name s. and are you ready for robust tax relief? the nfl is surprisingly, not really, overwhelmingly supports republicans over democrats. and we will tell you which sport supports democrats even though it is technically not considered a sport. in bill's apartment it is, and in certain new york neighborhoods after 3:00 a.m. >> thank you, andrea. i look forward to your analysis in this block. let's welcome our guest. she is cuter than 10 smurfs impaired on the hood of a unicorn with a smurf onesie.

it is a medical memwior, and she writes one every year. >> that is not true. >> and he was one of the true and original and innovative thinkers in comedy. but carrottop won't be on for a few weeks, so we have joe devito. and he lives every day as if it is his last, and it should be. it is bill schulz. and he is smoother than a bedspread made of delicious chocolate syrup. sit bings next to me,-- sitting next to me is rick eleven -- rick leventhall. and our new york "new york times" correspondent. >> today in the science section, they profile researchers who have reconstructed the ancient genome of the black death playing microbe. they now hope to bring it back to life to study what made it so deadly. well nothing cold -- well nothing completely awful could come of that. does anyone know if andy levy

is alive? what is that phantom hand above me? i feel like i am huh louse nateing. that is not a arm next to me. pinch is real! pimp -- >> pinch is real. >> should we go to war after ambassador? iran alleged looy contacted a mexican drug cartel to assassinate the ambassador to the u.s. and also possibly plotted to attack the saudi and israeli embassies in dc. now, the white house plans to use those charges to bolt the ever lobbying crap out of that stupid country. nose really. here is vice president biden reacting to this bizarre scheme. >> it is critically important that we unite the world in the isolation of and dealing with the iranians. that's the most -- that's the surest way to be able to get results. >> he's a gem. and biden says action against iran could go beyond sanctions

and added that, quote, we are not going there yet. secretary of state clinton also weighed in. >> this kind of reckless act underminds international norms and the international system. iran must beheld accountable for its actions. >> meanwhile, iran was shocked at the allegations with the speaker of parliament saying, quote, the americans acted unprofessionally in their child dish play. they want to divert attention against their own domestic problems. if americans are capable of hitting us with their fists we are capable of slapping them. if we slap them it would be so hard that they could no longer hold their heads up. we would emphasize we do not want confrontation and we want interaction. all right, slapping when we hit you. speaking of battles, who could

forget kitty versus hair dryer, 09? >> that is such a metaphor for our economy. invisible forces slapping at them hopelessly. >> warm hair as regulations. >> standing kittens. >> fur balls. >> i just bit my tongue. >> you claim to be a news guy. we don't have much proof of that. what do you make of this mess? this is a strange thing. >> we all know how well sanctions work. that's a step in the right direction. does this mean only ma din jaw god -- only ma din gnaw god will not be invited? >> i don't know. why didn't we just arrest him?

>> the untold story here is you can't find a good hitman anymore. they are all under -- undercover cops. >> or used car sales men. this is a clumsy, weird plan. do you think iran would do this or is this somebody else making it look like iran. >> my favorite part of it is biden got sent out to talk about it. it is almost as if he said, part of your job and he thought of the most outlashdish scenario. he said, if that happens i want you to talk about it. 1k3* somebody is like, you know that thing that you thought would never happen, it happened. >> why a mexican drug cartel? why did iran have to go all the way over there? >> farming it out. when i first heard iranians

were ploting to kill saudis, i thought, could it possibly be a win, win, win situation until i heard they were doing it in the united states. i think what obama would do is punch them with a drone attack. by drone i mean vice president biden. >> it is never the caw -- canadian tree smugglers. you never go through one of them. and you know how much you can fit in one of the trees. >> here is the thing that blows my mind. one of the iranian ploters is a texas used car salesman. this has to rock your world view of texas used car sales men, right? >> my view was they were honoree and they like vittles. that's all i thought about them. i don't understand the motive. what do they hope to gain from this? i don't know if it is somebody gone rogue, but none of it makes sense. what makes sense is they like the word childish.

they used it three separate times. i am going to respond to you in words you understand. goo-goo, ga, poopy diapers. >> fwr sense of humor. the guy had a great sense of humor. >> i can't believe i am agreeing with bill and i don't believe in conspiracies at all. >> this person was trying to create an assassination on behalf of the republican guard. but why would the republican guard need to go over here? couldn't they have assassinated this guy? >> if you do it near washington, d.c. and the saudi is killed in the nation's capital, then it looks bad for the u.s. it could generate even more anti-american sentiment. >> that is also an act of war. >> it is. it is an aiveght war with the united states, saudi arabia and israel. >> and the mexican drug

cartel. >> they were doing such good work before they were involved in this mess. >> have you the conspiracys that this might be a distraction. even iran said it was a distraction against the american spring. >> were they slap bosses? >> i like the slap fights. >> i have never been slapped by an iranian. >> i have never seen someone win a fight by returning a punch with a slap. like that, they don't go down. >> i am troubled by this because i don't know what to make of it and i don't know what to do. if it is iran we must settle it violently. >> here is my problem. i am purterbed when you are troubled. we have a mix here. from arrests to protests. are they too meek to take wall street? the washington post dana milbank if that's his real name tried to occupy the wall

street protest and may have a numbers problem. on tuesday a group tried to shut down the office building with only a few dozen people. how? well, the protest organizers suggested pushing all of the buttons on the elevator. this set off a lengthy debate as activists came to the microphone to argue the pros and cons of elevator disruption. the reporter goes on to say while the occupying movement has envigorated movements, it has not ignited anything resembling a populous rebellion adding where are the people? elsewhere in the country protesters are suggesting stronger tactics than pushing the elevator but tons like this guy in l.a. >> no, my friends. fundamental transformation.

>> yeah, you understood that. so is violence the answer? they discuss it. >> the amount of power that has been ascribed to the tea party movement, is that in part because they were seen as being so potential potentially -- it was potentially violent. they were seen as an unruly mob. we can see these other republican congressmen denouncing the occupy wall street people as an angry mob and somehow dangerous to the country. i wonder if a sense of dangerousness is what gives them power. >> i guess violence is okay despite people you disagree with. >> meanwhile, back in new york, mark ruffalo who is staring as the hulk joined the protestors and wrote a piece about his experience. we have excerpts of him right now reading it. >> when people critique this

movement, they say things about the protestor's clothes or the jobs or the general way they look. they are showing how shallow we have become as a nation. and that makes mark ruffallo angry. you wouldn't like mark ruffallo when he is angry. hulk smash richest 1% of country. hulk purterbed at not one inindictment come out of crash of 2008. and hulk miffed at politician. hulk recommend investing in a mutual fund. asia always good bet. hulk port folio doing nicely, thank you very much. >> and i have reason to believe you didn't care about these protests at all until a good looking actor got involved. >> now, that is rude. i will say that if he is going to be there tomorrow because the piece is about how he went in. i would go. i mean, i'm not opposed. my favorite thing, bill mar

talked about how somebody should throw -- somebody threw a brick through murdock's house. the only way that would happen is wendy murdock would catch it and nail that guy, nail him. >> she is a tough lady with a great aim. if anybody threw a rock in the msnbc window, rachel mad do you would be like walking down the street with a giant sign screaming her head off. it is funny because it is fox, right? go ahead. >> rachel maddow works for general electric. general electric makes parts for nuclear plants, makes weapons in addition to making a lot of money. they own cnbc which makes its living off wall street. >> that's a good point. >> it really is. >> and mar is not poverty

stricken. >> no, he makes millions. he is worth 20 plus. he works for time warner which is one of the biggest media companies in the world. they are hipocritical. that's my point. >> could you argue though that by them criticizing corporations while working for corporations it makes them real as opposed to not criticizing them because they work for them? >> i just wish they could all look like mark ruffalo. >> did you know he sounded like bill schulz? >> it made me quite attracted to bill. >> you have to be -- you have to do more hulk pieces. >> what do you make of this protest? it is not coming along. it is falling apart and they worry if the weather in new york once it gets better that it is going to be over. >> the thing with the elevator button pushing, it is not a joke. it is like a thing they were actually talking about doing as a way of protesting. the flaming bag of dog doo

was -- you know, and there are people i know camping out on wall street, and i tried to listen because i know this is some serious stuff and some are very smart, passionate friends of mine. when it turns to the i'm against everything parade it is where you start to lose people. from you talking about, yeah, we are against the government giving away money, i think a lot of people would agree with that. but then you say, i am against that bailout. that's why somebody should pay back my student loan. when you start saying things l animal rights and transgender -- pick one topic. if you want people to support you, make sense. >> it happens to a lot of protests. the right is new at this stuff. these guys have been doing for years. it always ends up being gavin on monday. it is like a pizza pie with everything on it. >> it is people who like to protest. they went nuts. they are wearing hats and carrying flags.

sthes -- these are guys encouraging violence. most people go up and you pull the plug. >> bill, isn't this just -- aren't protests a mirror for which they can observe their own sexy persona in -- persona? they look at a protest and say here is another version of me. i can be a rebel. >> i don't know if they would use the hand gesture. that is creeping me out. >> in front of the building too it was weird. >> i wanted to believe you were wrong on that, but i saw john kusak was there. but then i saw his sign and he is promoting "the raven" that comes out on the fourth. i just realized something. as greg and rick will attest, our elevators don't have any numbers.

some jerk used to do just that and you know it was john gibson. that's why we have those elevators. >> why do people in new york have nothing better to do than sit down there? in dc they couldn't find anybody to protest, but there are so many people in new york and it is supposed to be the capital of the world. >> a lot are tourists and are checking it out. tom morrell low is showing up. but i love project goo-goo. in case you are wondering, a lot of people are wondering how andy is doing. we thought we would check in on him and see how he is feeling.

>> you know, the best thing for an illness is companionship. and he is clearly not alone. >> which one was andy? >> that's cruel. >> i don't even know what that means. >> i will say some say that his companionship is what gave him an ailment. a lot of those looked dangerous. >> star of a fever and feed 500 cats? >> you never see a cat lady sick. >> no. >> well you never see a cat lady. they don't go out much. can a sexy freelance writer ever find true love while living in l.a.? and as david discuss herself memwior, more stuff about me when we return. >> what do the brits have against porn? usually just their pale, sweaty boots. very tasteful.

should you view sleez with ease? or should you have to opt in to see skin? well, in the uk, a place very far away, subscribers to four of the largest internet providers will now have to make an active choice if they want to view sexually explicit websites. the move is part of the british government's effort to curtail children's access to on-line smut which includes a website that parents can use to complain about to tv ads. losing track of the story. >> long day? >> they can go and complain about stuff that is inappropriate to kids. fit like this. -- filth like this.

>> that made me so happy. here is the thing. joe, if you have to say yes to porn access, when the guy is installing your internet or i don't know how they -- and your wife is there and -- >> can i say yes now? >> you would say yes even if you are married. >> i think that is a sneaky way of controlling what people get access to. why isn't an opt out which most things are? it is a busy body group of people who want to control what people look at. >> i don't want to put words into rick's mouth. rick, don't you think it is a good idea as a parent? >> yes. >> you have to protect your kids and you need this law in the united states as well. >> i'm sorry. does this inconvenience porn

watchers? >> yes. >> oh, i'm sorry. what is the big deal? the only people opposed to this are the people who don't have kids. if you have kids you don't want them to turn on the tv and watch hard core porn. >> porn sites have had a free ride this whole time. it is about time. >> what about these british men who basically the jig is up. you used to be able to block it, but the kids are smarter than it is parents when it comes to technology and that didn't work. now they have to give up their porn so their kids don't see porn too? what about the divorce rate in the uk? that could go up jie. or it could go down. >> it never go down when it comes to porn. >> why do you go for the obvious. >> i hope they don't block my favorite porn site, chimney sweepers. >> that is not a euphemism. there are actually people cleaning chimneys. here is the thing.

i look at this and it is a big deal. in the old days you had to look for porn. now porn looks for you. we never had this phenomenon. 2* makes sense that people should say look, i want to turn that faucet off. that faucet has been on in your house 24 hours for 10 years. why can't you say, i don't want it? >> you know who came up with this? a porn addict who is trying to quit. >> who isn't a porn addict? >> i would vote dinasaur site any day. i would rather ern something. >> is chimney sweeters .com a real website. >> don't do .org. >> the piping in of pornography has desensitized our culture. why do we freely accept it? we don't allow -- go to a magazine stand and people say, take a look at this.

>> i hate the word desensitized. the court desensitized the horse-and-buggy movement. what does that mean? >> nobody says that except in your head. >> that was a big thing at the turn of the century. >> i think he said made it irrelevant. >> it is a new society. porn is cool. >> no, it is not. people don't know what it is doing. >> i love that greg gut fell is an anti-porn advocate. who knew? >> i clear my history every night, thank you very much. that way i can deny i have a problem. >> and it takes him 10 hours. >> no, i clear it and add bogus websites. >> thoughtful artists .com. >> learn chinese and mandarin

chinese. not aware of it. >> local soup kitchen. >> they are great ideas. ideas you should adopt. do you have a comment on this show? e-mail at fox news .com. to leave a voicemail 212-462-50. till still to come, the half time report. >> tonight is sponsored by key we. the sweet, good evening fruit with a brown, fuzzy skin not to be confused with a bird of the same name. thanks, key we. -- kiwi.

let's find out if we have gotten anything wrong so far. >> hi, you can technically call me andy if my name is andrea. >> that's true. that's true. you mentioned the washington post and you questioned whether or not that was really his name. >> yes. >> it is his name. it just sucks. i confirmed it. >> very good. >> now, anna, you asked if president biden was given this task if this was the sole thing in his port folio, handling a big iranian terror crisis. he also had the stimulus. remember it was a big leaping deal, and you can see how well he handled that. >> true. >> he does have other things in his port folio. i checked it out.

>> that's what you guys at "red eye" call a lot of things. >> rick, you mentioned that rachel works for ge. >> was that not true? >> technically she works for comcast. >> can we rewind the tape? >> no, because i don't want to see her face again side by side with bill mar. you said the wall street protesters are not for anything. you said they are against everything. >> yes. >> that's not true. they are for solar panels and ben and jerries and body odor. i confirmed them. >> perhaps i was remiss. >> they are for a lot of things down there. a lot of things that are illegal. >> none of the things that generate income for anyone. >> some are getting $600, that's more than we are getting a night. >> for what? >> for being here. >> for being there. >> for being here. >> who?

>> on the show. >> how much? >> we are not getting paid. >> see, greg, even you said on our show it is against capitalism until they get the money. . you also said star of 5* fever, feed a cat. >> or a -- eat a cat. >> it is star of a fever and feed a cold and the real thing is only a good cat is a dead one. >> terrible, terrible. you would never say that at 5:00. >> are you going to get so much mail. >> i am kidding. i had have cat. my mom accidentally ran her over. >> no wonder you are angry. >> bill, what do you have against the world childish? >> i am pro adultish. i believe that's legal to say.

>> but not credible? >> i didn't say it. i was saying i don't like word rep petitions. >> i don't have a beef. i am thrilled with the children and their chaildish ways, just keep them away from me. >> pinch, i have an issue with you. pinch, you asked if andy levy was alive or dead or if you knew the truth. >> my reporters have better things to do. >> we don't know and do we care? >> i am told he is yellow and jaundiced. >> you would write that and not confirm it anyway, right? >> your comments are as bank bankrupt from where the fore fathers are a problem. >> at least we are having a

good time which is more i can say. >> may i remind you you are speaking to a puppet? >> that's true. that's true. i shouldn't take it so seriously. greg, you said that porn sites have gotten a free ride. >> yes. >> isn't that what they wouldn't? >> nicely done. >> i was trying to make a moral point, and apparently it is lost on everybody. >> no, we got it. i'm just confused that you are actually against porn. >> i just think that too much of a good thing is a bad thing. especially when it is free and coming to your house nonstop. you need a way to con control it, especially if you have kids in the house which i often do if i am entertaining. i have nieces and nephews.

>> and childish cocktail party. >> you seemed outraged at this opt in -- >> yes. very upset. >> i can see that. i can see you are very, very upset. >> i am not opposed to porn. i just don't think it is big deal if you have to tell them you want it as opposed to geting it automatically? >> right. next question. >> i can't believe anything you are saying, but i guess i have to. >> comcast is a pretty big country. if i had my iphone they took it away before i came out here. >> that's because some people like mike baker wouldn't turn off their phones. >> anna? >> yes. >> how can you think mark ruffalo is hot? >> i am comparing him to many of the protesters. >> that is a sexy man.

>> and he is the only one that showered. >> do you want me to do my mark ruffalo impression. >> by the way -- >> he is like a male renee zellweger. >> that's lovely. that's lovely, bill. don't quit your day job. greg, lastly, you said cleaning the chimney isn't a euphemism. >> as far as i know. >> yes, it is, go to www. urban dictionary .com. there are quite a few definitions. >> it all involves structures in your house. >> we can call it that. >> especially with the holidays coming up. >> see you at the back ind of the show and that is not a euphemism. coming up, johnny depp is dead set against the "21 jump

street" movie. >> screw you, johnny,

he is suing continental because the turbulence was mental. 5* plane passenger continues the trend of idiots suing airlines thanks to a flight she took in twine that left her with mental trauma due to turbulence. they claim that the short college station lasted two hours and the overly bumpy ordeal left her fearing for her life. the result? you guessed it, the old stand by is at post traumatic stress disorder. where would the frivolous lawsuits be without it?

>> you have geting on there mastered. staying on is a different story. >> both bears were admitted to the mental ward. it is because of acute hammock humiliation. rick, you fly all of the time. very far places. sometimes you leave the >> you know what, first of all, wear your seatbelt at all times. they tell you to do it, good advice. >> i never listen. >> this is a good point. i don't think she knows what turbulence is. i think she thinks -- i think she thinks the pilot is board and you know what -- like that. people go back and forth and i

don't think she realizes it. >> this is bad news. you just hit a pk ket and drop 100 feet. >> it is the worst thing. what do you make of this? are you a woman. >> i was excited to join her. if you fly business class on american, they give this wafting smell of chocolate chip cookies. it is not a meal. it is not even a meal time. they give them to you. you can't say no. every time i talk about it i crave another chocolate chip cookie. >> it has to be tough. >> you know what they give us in coach? rocks. i don't have any teeth left. >> we still smell their flach you lens. >> and then we do the lunch. >> i am an author.

>> i i did not afford that ticket for my appearance on "red eye." >> true. >> snow she fears flying and it affects her job. could she get a settlement and could she start a whole new lawsuit? >> absolutely. she will never go back to her job as an airshow stunt pilot. the inflight movie with final destination. and that's unfair. >> that's an interesting point. i have been on planes the virgin plane where they have every movie and movies with plane crashes in them. plane crashes, bill? >> i would call the countries with the most plane crashes. i could sue that airline. >> you were in first class

reading malcolm glad well. >> it happened once. >> bill, i have to ask you, did she leave anyone out of the lawsuit? >> yes, friends and neighbors who laughed at her. it is a lack of self-worth. anybody that accidentally poured their coffee on her while she was telling them the story because they were laughing so hard. and it is lovely and makes you rethink everything. >> i hate torbulence. i take so many medications have i no memory of the flight. >> that's the problem. it is not turbulence. you are just under so many medications. >> i used to fly first and got incredibly drunk. if it is a seven or eight hour flight you could be an glee and it is not a good thing.

>> i got to valium. when that went away it was aggressive. >> i know that story, and it wasn't me. that was so sad. look up beverage cart and flight. no, then i went to the nightmare stuff with ambien. >> have the cookie. >> being in first plays with the cookies. >> or smug gill -- smuggle the pie cookies. time to take a break. an interview with a very very special book by a very, very special person.

the new york times book review dubbed it, quote, a book. another said it was a woman who had done things and wrote about them. and publishers clearinghouse says it could already be a winner. i speak of anna david's 14th memwior. how i hung curtains and learned to cook.

i am a little memwiored out. we will go to the "red eye" robots so they can conduct the interview i couldn't do. >> i am going to cry. >> no, you are not. >> anna, love the boots are you wearing, girl friend. with regards to the title, am i to guess you tell in love with yourself and if so how is the sex? >> now, this question -- a robot may be asking it, but i know the writer. i am not going to give you anything at this time -- titilating. >> it is about you falling in love with yourself. >> it is about coming to accept myself. i will try to be serious as i talk to a robot. it is about how the whole world tells you, you must if you are a single there is something wrong with you. i bought into that whole thing and i basically came to accept

the fact there -- that i am still single because that's where i am supposed ton -- supposed to be. >> and it is getting great review and our robot has another question jie. hi, anna, it is me, robot steve. still upset about how our last date ended, but whatever, by gones. am i right? anyhoo, as an android i am unable to process the idea of narcissism. can you explain? >> i do not write about that uh-huh lot. th is my first memwior. i i know it is not your strong suit. i wrote two novels. >> we don't know the difference. >> this is an education lesson. >> no, it is getting great reviews, and it is my first and only memwior. >> look at party girl as a

memwior. >> it is a novel for the next table. >> our next question please, robot. >> hi, anna. i really enjoyed your take on female sexuality in the last article you wrote about. female sexuality, tell me as a writer how do you manufacture drama in your life so as to fit up another chapter? >> that robot is never coming out. >> you don't have to answer that question if you don't want to. >> i feel like this is all about you, greg. two books and i dwarf you. >> four books. >> two haven't seen the light of day. >> this is an issue for you to work out with hidden hostility. >> do you think i wrote these question 1234*z i didn't.

>> let's just go to the next one. >> hello, anna. as one who was built in early june of the last millennium, i am a gemini like you. crazy, right? seriously, i wrecked it all. i know i often malfunction and kill humans at random and without remorse. >> you know, that is a question i am asked so often. it is uncany. the answer i give is yes, but i know how to hide it. >> one last question and it is important. >> hello, anna, i am told your book is available at barns and ?oabl everywhere. is this true? robots are unable to detect lies and are therefore very gullible. >> it happens to be true. borders going out of business, but it is at wal-mart and

target and all sorts of places. these are stores, fellas. >> i believe the borders going down on the robots. >> i did not write those questions. >> they wrote themselves. >> whoever did it is closer to you than you think. >> this is a no robot zone. >> don't look at me, i am -- >> and there is a new book "falling for me getting rave reviews. go out and pick it up. the problem is, a big movie or tv show. so he feel guilty. we close things up with the recent shows. fox news .com/red eye.

see you back here at 5

p.m. eastern time on "the five." on the next "red eye." sherrod small, anne ann coulter and chris merit. >> i think he is naked in that picture. and now the post game wrap up. >> rick, what did you do to upset bill so badly on monday night? >> oh, well i was rooting for the lions. they played the bears. and the lions beat the bears. >> and i got to win money. >> last i checked gambling was illegal. >> joe, i hear you have gigs coming up this weekend at a place called wisecrackers? >> that's right. >> where is that. >> allentown, pennsylvania. the club is in the hotel and yes you can buy a drink. >> people from downtown are amazing. >> and you wrote a piece called women had a better in the 60s. where can you find it? >> huffington post