>> blame it on povertier. >> definitely. we ask that you come back and join us on "the five" tomorrow. we look forward to seeing you then. have a welcome to "red eye." i'm greg gutfeld. or as i am known at the gap, the creepy guy who never tries on anything. hi, andy. what is coming up on tonight's show? >> ice is back with a brand new edition, america. rick santorum says america is suffering a pandemic of harm about pornography. does have a point? some say no, and others are barely paying attention to me. and a u.n. panel would adopt a report praising the human rights record. the story that is not? the least bit shocking and why is the city of boston cracking down? the latest on the war on food coming up. >> andy? you said the city of boston is cracking down.

>> that's right. it is outrageous. >> here is the thing. it is moring -- moshing, and not noshing. >> never mind. >> go away. >> let's welcome our guests. she is more intoxicating than a bar full of hobos drinking moonshine. she is recently engaged. >> put a ring on it. >> and his legendary wit is known the world over, but red fox is dead, so here is comedian sherrod small. >> go march madness. >> his stench is now an element on my table, bill schulz. and he is more insightful than a crystal ball stuffed in a motivational speaker. his new book how to [bleep] in public comes out on tuesday. yea for tuesday. and no one in the press is more of a mess than our new york times correspondent. >> today in thursday's, steven

profile else -- profiles the noted bartender, luke carl who among other things is lady gaga's exboyfriend and next week we will look at the gag's interview with claw midyaw. >> bill. >> my name is pinch. who is bill? >> is it harmless fun or a gateway gun? a chicago area pastor, is there any other kind is demanding k-mart stop selling plastic water pistols and neither of dart -- nerf dart shooters. and you know that's the reason they have such a high crime rate. quote, i am amazed you would offer toy guns to our children to make them comfortable with playing with they will. i ask you to remove any baskets with toy guns from your store's shelves immediately." so far k-mart corporate has

stuck with the display with a spokesman saying, quote, we believe these items are clearly package eds as water toys. that was my nickname in college and almost identical by items sold by many other retailers. they have made headlines for defending it. and he said america is the greatest sin against god. speaking of spectacles. >> i could watch that show. >> would you let your kids play with some kind of nerf tool for killing? a nerf killing machine?

>> yes, i would. it didn't look like a real gun and i didn't have to worry about the cop blowing their head off. i would let them play with any brightly colored guns because guns are fun. blowing up a coke can is a blast. but more guns mean more gun violence. but the stats are counter intuitive and they say no. guns are fun. there is nothing bad about guns. if kids develop an interest in guns that's fantastic because they are a blast. >> if you take away the plastic gun, they are left with this. boys immediately turn this into a gun. >> yes. >> it is true. >> but there is nothing more -- i don't even know what the beef is. 24r* is nothing more christian than -- handguns, right? >> how so? >> every christian has a gun. i don't care if you are black, white or indiffer rent. every christian i know or they go to church and they go home

and shoot stuff. jay i think it is a stereo type. >> whatever other white words you want to put on it. bill's mother likes funny stuff. >> she does like funny stuff. >> she also likes humor. >> she doesn't like black people though. >> she is your mother. >> well, it is one of the reasons she is such a saint. >> is he one of those really, really old people that has the free time to write letters to k-mart? >> he is the guy who is old and has the free time to write the letters. it is a parenting issue. if you are going to give your kid a toy gun you say, real guns can kill people and maim them for life. we don't play with real guns, but brightly color ones, sure. i did and i ended up fine. >> what other day to have a gun than when dead people start walking around, easter.

>> isn't this an example of how sucky your city is. >> how dare you? it is one person. i can find 20 sucky people outside this city. and this guy is lucky he has his pulpit now. i am the last of a generation which as i say midsay80s go growing up our guns were unloaded got colt 45's. they slapped a mattel stamp on it. this is a christmas present. i could have i can taken any of my lone rangers guns and held the bank up. since the statute out of limitations is over, i did go into the bank with my lone ranger gun and paid for my own big wheel. >> you pulled off all of these bank jobs in your under rues. >> and then i sphged out the gun was loaded. >> mine always had the red thing at the end. >> that was in a good

neighborhood. >> this might lead to kids liking guns. >> what is wrong with that? >> the sooner you get kids to learn how to use a weapon, the better it is for everybody. >> i believe it was noted gun enthusiast maya angelo who said the surest way to get me to do something is to tell me not to do it, and that applies for kids. i should know. i have five of them. should puerto rico adopt the way we speak-o? that would require our 51st state. puerto rico holds their primary on sunday with 23 delegates at stake. quote, english has to be the main language for puerto rico to become a state. and on thursday he clarified his comments.

>> to be an american, period, you should speak english and speak the common lange weblg. language. >> meanwhile, the gop candidate is against another state of arouse sal. at least it is stirred by smut. as jezibelle.com writes, rick's website has a section that reads, quote, america is suffering a pandemic of harm from pornography. a wealth of research is available demonstrating that it causes profound brain changes in both children and adults. there is one problem right there. >> he calls the stance hilarious. i believe we have tape of the type of porn santorum is railing against. sensitive viewers may want to look away at another

television showing the very same thing. >> i was a freak. >> they are a freak. >> that might have been a large person in an elephant costumes. i want to tackle the puerto rican thing first. and then we can move to porn. you are from canada. no, born in england and moved to canada. >> i cooperate have more rights than this. i come from a bilingual province called quebec where out going messages take this. hi, you have reached gavin. please leave a message after the tone. this is an out going message. [speaking french]. and then you say, you know what, i will just text you.

>> and then you realize it was 1985. >> you have to do your joke in two languages so you go you are just burning doing the neutron dance. [speaking french]. >> why is he starting in puerto rico? why not get the puerto ricans in the bronks to start speaking english? start locally. >> it takes a lot of beans, i believe that is a g-rated word. i admire he went and said, you foreigners in your country. stop speaking like that. i have to give him credit for that. diana, everybody wants a universal language. isn't evening lish the best language? we should get rid of the others so we don't have to

deal with the others. >> i think it should be the number one language. >> are you mocking me? >> no, just really patriotic. >>- q. you are a red neck you are pay tree jobing particular. >> no. i am from new jersey. hahn -- honestly this is as saw 9. i was just in puerto rico and they are all bilingual. it would be great we all spoke another language. >> are you not stupid if you are not by lange wall. if you live in the united states you have to speak english. assuming you don't know a second language, oh you are european and stupid, that is as saw 9 to use your phrase. puerto rico get $21.4 billion in aid and get money for social security, medicaid. should they become a state? and if they should become a

state i don't think it happens. >> every time it comes to a vote they say no. >> he is saying, if you want to do it you have to do a, b, c. i believe that is spanish for we don't want to be on stage, period. >> some people -- he is an idiot. >> i am just defending the puerto ricans. >> some just want to stay a commonwealth. look at rhode island. what is the big deal about that? >> in puerto rico, 1? every two men work. we could learn something about that culturally sure. i want to move on to the next part of this whole thing. there is also a contentious argument. i think santorum is dead wrong

with pornography. >> what? >> let me finish. what he said was pornography has a destructive affect on human beings. and that is a fact. there are studies done. if you want to talk about old old pornography. >> you sound like a global warming dude. there is plenty of things that makes you hornier, but the jury is out. >> what i am trying to make clear here is we are talking pornography, but not the engine of delivery. the engine of delivery that has changed. >> nice analogy. >> but that is different than sneaking a look at a "playboy" at the barber shop.

>> now you can go on-line to get porn and you don't have to go into the woods and find it behind the school. >> when you had to go into the rooks and get what you buried there a week ago where big raccoons have done something to it. that's what makes porn so special. porn is just competition beautiful, real women like you. >> no. those girls have major daddy issues and we are 100% okay over here. >> not all. you can't categorize all of those girls. some just love that thing. >> they are not making bank anymore. you can't get money off of that. that was a back up plan for a longtime. if i couldn't get my master's in psychology, you go to porn. not anymore. >> how sexist is that that she always has that back up and none of us do.

>> i am the only one who would be able to do it. bill, what is your take on this? there are a lot of things you can go after santorum about, but i believe -- >> i believe the porn is bad for you and so is drinking and smoking of the the question is it is fine and if he feels that way, do you trust him to not do something about it? do you really trust him to sit there and be like, upon porn is happening, porn is happening, not going to do anything about it. >> this is a fair question. everybody goes after conservatives for coming out against stuff. but the conservatives never ban anything. it is the left that goes after speech and stuff. >> my fear is the policy will become a policy and prevent people from making more nothing graw fee. >> nixon started the war on drugs and talk about an engine

of delivery. >> here is what is going on here. the boomers are going -- are getting older, no offense bill's mom. >> there is too much pornography. they are forgetting what it is like to be 15. >> if 15-year-olds would be pro creating there would be a beep beep -- a billion babies. >> that's what it is there for. good gave you imagination so you didn't need porn. >> now we are getting into their brains. >> you know how screwed up i would be if i used my nag nation? >> -- my imagination. >> if they ban it, i'm good. i have the stash of life. if you need anything, come to me. >> it would be in a post porn world you would be like the guy with gasoline and you have a front thing and all of these cars are lining up.

it is like kid cousin in "vacation." >> he is trying to tackle porn addiction. and it is only a problem if it changes his life in someway. obviously if they can't take the classes we are not having porn addicteds everywhere. >> i had a porn addict put into my house. that's how bad it was. all of you people are ignoring the fact that the thicks have changed. >> too much access. >> i like it better when you made a mixed tape. if you missed a song you would have to started over from scratch. >> you are comparing songs to porn. >> i hate to say it doesn't matter. stoping the engine of delivery

always works. >> coming up, should all white people be send in a -- sent to saturn where they will experience a fiery death? he discusses my letters to nasa. >> and shouldy maxists be illegal? we tend to your bloody knows.

they want to squash those who mosh. boston police are crackdown on slam dancing at clubs calling the rowdy aggressive style a public safety hazard. cops cited house of blues. i have never been there. it sounds nice for a license violation and 60 people involved in a, quote, aggressive mosh pit. i believe there are is a hip hop band.

the department says the dance violated safety rules and the club security didn't intervene. and local metal bands agree with the cops. na. he says i agree on cracking down on fighting, but moshing is a form of creation. what does our saint patty's day correspondent make of this? >> happy st. patrick's day teddy bear. the leprechauns left you a pot of gold. are you one lucky guy. is that pretty good? >> fatten him up before you eat him. that's what you do. fill him up with corn and he is just like corn. >> good meat. >> you have to take the needles out. why am i talking about this? gavin, you were in a punk band. is moshing a form of

expression. >> it is a form of modern dance. i was hit by a cab the other day, and because i spent my add do lessons in the mosh pit it was like, oh, nice one. >> did you hug the cab. >> i scooped him up and said i am so wasted right now. jay if you want to ban violence in boston ban human beings. ban the spilling of pints. i will talk about getting wasted and talk about being ild c. >> say something nice today, by the end of the show you might find something to protect you. is it skillly white people dancing. >> it is not about race, greg. you look hold -- you look old trying to arrest people for dancing. there are 40 kids doing the running man.

or the webo. >> are you like the dennis miller of dance. >> it is like the rooftop. i need more black people here. come on camera dude. >> we fired him, by the way. >> moshing is not dancing it is white people aping gree they can't dance and taking our their frustration in an area that was made for dance. >> you dated a lot of rock stars before you are now engaged. what are your thoughts? that's where i am going. >> i went to a social distortion concert at 19 and getting stuck in one of those pits and getting moshed everier when. i feel like the venues have a right to sign a venue saying if you are going to mosh cash dash. >> you why -- you were 19 another a rock concert. >> you dated bands. >> not the whole one!

>> if two guys are in a pit it is moshing. if he does it to you, it is sexual assault. >> haven't they seen "foot loose"? this is where it will end up. >> this is what it should have been. instead of the shot for shot thing they just did, they should have replaced her red boots with doc martins. replace kevin bacon's skinny tie with tattoo, he was perfect. >> and he is coming into his own. >> what is his name? >> john lit gao. >> i saw him in that play, the harry potter broadway. >> if they ever make a movie about john lit gao, he is the only one that can do it. >> there is a song called "big

kids scare the heck out of me." >> i am out of here. >> you are telling the truth? >> yes. do you have a comment on the show? e mail us. fox news.com. and to leave a voicemail 212-462-5050. still to come, the half time report from tv's andy levy. >> tonight is sponsored by lot day art. the form that is poured while serving a coffee beverage. thanks art.

let's see if we got anything wrong so far. hi, andy. >> hi, greg. chicago pastor upset nerf guns are sold in easter basket. you say more guns equals more violence, but data shows otherwise. he says the reason there is increasing gun violence in the country. in 2002 gun crimes decreased for the fourth year. >> it is like anthony talks about. now that are facts to the offenses. >> that's going to be the name of my new book. hate facts. >> at least you won't take credit for. it. >> i can take credit for remembering it. >> gavin, you should put it on

a shirt and sew it. >> and then i have to do all of the work. >> greg you know he made headlines for defending jeremiah wright and during the presidential campaign he said of hillary clinton, quote, i really believe she just thought this is mine, i'm bill's wife and this is mine. then i am barack obama and she said, i am white, i am entitled and there is a black man is stealing my show. >> i feel that way when sherrod is on "red eye." >> yes, he has a problem with priorities. >> sherrod, you said there is nothing more christian than handguns and christians and the first thing they do is fire them off. >> in new york city? >> yes. >> every new year's eve we are shooting up the top of the roof. >> i need to go to church more often and meeting these people.

>> i like the phrase more often. >> more often than you do. >> more mofn than never. >> christians love guns and you know that. i >>- q. i am jewish and i love guns. >> santorum says porn is bad for you and puerto ricans need to speak english. you said santorum was right regarding english and you pointed out the problems in quebec. 24r* are examples where it does work like switzerland and belgium. >> but they are smart nerds. the rest of us don't have those iq's. >> what is going on with this america bashing? >> countries like that and can that you do, they -- canada, they have a lot of time. >> and the european countries have been doing it for thousands of years. it went terrible in the past. now it is here again it is a

huge pain? the pain in the ass. i ready order the row set tau stone. and i am married to somebody from a different world. >> you didn't even know how to get through. >> switzerland and belgium have no style or flavor. and you better learn something latino. you need to bring some flare to you, you ghosts. >> your mom raised a good boy. >> letters from belgian ghosts. >> you think santorum is being silly. he is being factually inaccurate because what he said was federal law requires evening lish as a main language. they don't even have -- what am i trying to get out?

>> some states do. they have declared florida their official language, but there is no federal law. >> what about california? they speak less english there so, but want their votes. >> that's why what he said was -- weird. let's get to the points. >> mark anthony and two other people are voting. >> his kids can't vote yet. >> greg, you said study porn is harmful, but gavin is right is that there are other city des. there is a cooledge. if they are both in the cage they will cop pew late a lot and then the male gets uninterested. if they take the rat and put another female rat it it has to do with the dopamine levels and something is increased

when something novel comes along. the thing with internet porn you can always look at something more kinkier and more extreme. it keeps your dopamine levels up. there is an actual, physical addiction that goes on here. >> but when you are done you don't go, okay, that was good i will go to the next one. if it is still playing you say, oh my lord. i can't believe i was just enjoying that. >> but it is not necessarily right after gavin they are talking about, but they are saying basically because there is so much -- it it is the equivalent of having every woman you want dropped in that cage with you. >> it is a lot of methodology. >> yaping and complaining of the .

>> is that the scientific term? >> buy me a new wheel. >> the same old cheese. >> i disassociate myself with this. >> just do the research. >> bill, you said it is fine if santorum is personally against porn, but you asked you can trust he won't go after the stuff. you said the lib grails try to ban things. no, when it -- not when it comes to sexy time things. he would go after the distribution of hard core pornography on the internet. >> what do you want me to say, andy? >> greg, i want to hear these words "i was wrong -- >> part of me was wrong, but the other part is right. santorum is identifying a real problem you more than accurately described the science behind it.

it is not going to happen. >> he says he is going to as president. are you calling rick santorum a liar? >> i am calling him ambitious. he studied for them. >> if you are in a church or anything religiously affiliated this stuff comes up. it destroys marriages. >> guys in comfortable sweaters always hate porn. remember theo had that poem and dr. hucksable -- huxtable found it? theo got in trouble. it is possible for the government to go after internet pornography when it comes to u.s. distributors. so what could happen is that you would end up out sourcing porn jobs and you would be

costing america jobs. shame on you senator santorum for sending these jobs overseas. >> here comes the money japan and germany. >> i don't care how freaky anybody is, they will not take german porn. >> i have to say i disyou ever cked the fact while i was doing this. in 2009 the teachers president whatted to do a study compared to men in their 20s exposed to pornography compared to those who never seen it. they had to drop the study because they haven't found a single gin guy is -- guys what can watch the porn. >> he is right. santorum is right. you just agreed with him. >> is that bad? i am also a hug addict and a joke addict.

>> joke means cocaine and hire row win. >> do you ban things because some people are addicted to it? >> it is not fair to the rest of us that because you have a problem we can't enjoy something. >> i have done my own research and i have come to some disturbing conclusions repeatedly. over and over and over. i have been horrified by the things i have found. >> go away. >> you go away first. i win. coming up, stories so bad that if they were squirrels i would check out those fantastic swirls. squirrels. it is hot chicks. man, i wash i was a hot chick. i wish i was a hot chick. they are awesome to look at.

does thinking about dames make men lame? past study shows talking with attractive women causes a decline in mental performance.

but even anticipating the interaction with a woman that you know little about or never met can impair your thinking. dutch researchers gave men a thinking test that had to complete an exercise in which they were told they were being observed on a webcam. those who were told they were being observed by a woman did significantly worse. clearly we have to discuss this in the -- >> lightning roooouuuunnnnddd. lightning round. >> no one can hear you, sherrod. no man will argue with this study, correct? >> no. it takes the dutch too to do this kind of test. they have all of that extra sex in the red light district. why not throw a video camera in there and see how people react. >> extra sex? >> i remember one time in junior high school and i was over at the park and had a girl who went to school with me, a girlfriend. my boys are playing basketball

and i'm walking by. usually i am a good basketball player, but i have the girl with me and i'm like, throw me the ball. i throw the ball and take a shot and it goes over the backboard. catch y'all later, all right. let's get out of here, girl. the girl threw me off, her presence. >> that's the reason they have cheerleaders at games. that's how it probably started was to have women there to throw off the players. there have been complaints from other teams saying what they are wearing is too suggestive. i am making this story up. >> some of the wives were complaining that the dancers were too sexy and distracting their husbands. >> a theory, gavin, we are talking about pain, pain sensors we shoot on people. when you are invading a country you drop like bombs of perfume are on pictures or left over porn.

>> haven't we had imagery sent to extreme muslims and we tried with rock music and painted some sexy ladies on a plane once. >> they don't allow the soldiers to have magazines like "playboy" or anything like that. >> for this reason? >> kind of, yes. >> i don't understand why this is a big revelation. men who have those thoughts can't concentrate. i assume that's why bill was sitting next to the leg chair. every time you look over you can see that and it is like raiders of the lost arc and if you keep staring it is like -- >> that is pained laughter. he brutally insulted you. >> i am bulletproof. we have been on for five years, sir. >> that's true. my thick skin has thick skin. we have to take a break. what will gavin say about his new book? something.

the new york times book review called it, quote, a book. that's right. i am talking about gavin mcguinness' book, how to pee in public.

he has more tattoo than a bar of long shore men. let's discuss some of the anecdotes with him. i read the book and i loved it. i read it over vacation. it is incredibly graphic. >> thank you. >> your parents and marijuana, explain that story if you can. >> i was hoping they wouldn't hear. the first page says "to my wife. make sure the kids and none of our family hears about this." yes, i got some pot when i was in canada, and i tried to explain to my parents who haven't smoked in 70 years. even a pin is of too. put a pin in it and go -- they say, we know what we are doing. don't you tell us what to do. and then took a towel and then then -- this is quite vong. and then -- strong. it was very, very bad. >> your mother saw -- >> she became convinced the goblins were trying to kill her and the family. >> my dad ignored her because

if you get involved you will get in on their bad trip. >> he closed the door and said calm down. and she goes, i know. i will call the cops. then when the cops show up she said, it is no problem this is a big mistake. they say, look, what he does to you is not just your business. it is our business too of the our job is to protect you. ?o, it was not that. they were goblins and they are going to eat me. >> do you want to go for that lie? that's why he is still in jail today. >> there is a happy ending. your book was originally called "the death of cool." what did you mean by that and why did you change it? >> it is about the party phase. your teenage years and it is a fun age and makes for great stories. i wish my friends realized before they died of heroin that that is one phase.

then there is the dad phase and that's a great phase too. i was wrapping up those years in a bow and saying, party on, kids. >> the interesting thing is it is extremely graphic. people write memwiors and talk 3w* sewing their wild oats. >> i sew my wild oats like rambo. >> the point is you created the mental rolodex so when you enter the world of do mess ties tee, you can go back to those memories. and people should do that. >> it is difficult to discuss on fox, but basically anytime you have an elaborate encounter with a lady that involves romping, you turn on this here and you just -- you film every second. you run around going are you okay? are you okay? how are we doing over here?

if your wife is in the movie you can replay it forever. and santorum can't ban that. you are very serious about drug use and the negative aspects. people think you are advocating it. in your book you have a lot of friends that od. you talk about ok drugs and bad drugs. there was a metaphor you used. >> oh yes. my beef is heroin. coke is tacky, but are you not going to die. heroin will pull you away, come on, let's go over to the light. we are with two women. she is an 8 and she is hiv positive. she is a 7 and she is not. who will you sleep with? go for pot. go get stoned. you can synthesize the heroin high with all kinds of other stuff. i don't know why people go down the heroin path. do you ever run into that?

>> i will disavow anything he said. drugs #r* bad. some are okay if they are prescribed. >> the one with the hiv is bad. >> oxycontin is bad. but the rest are pretty great. >> even crack. >> crack is kind of fun. >> how is this book going to be received by your relatives? it is an evil book. >> i dread them seeing it. luckily they are not savy in the media circuit. it is real stories that happened during my wild years and i would like to make a public apology to my family and second to near family and my children when they get old enough to understand. >> you will have to explain this seggent meant to your kids. you advocated behaviors -- i didn't advocate the behaviors. when we made fun of the cop

for arresting us for drunk driving i said i'm sorry. again i don't add vaw kit anything. the name of the book is how to problem bleep [in public. we will close things ut with the post game wrap up. go to fox news.com/red eye.

see you back here at 5:00 p.m. eastern time for "the five." coming up next time, thadius mccodder. >> back to andy levy for the post game wrap up. >> thanks, greg. diana, what is your big news? >> because you never returned my phone calls, my text, my e mails or the fact i have been knocking on your window for years i found somebody else and i will engaged. sorry. i am not bitter. >> i thought that was greg throwing rocks at my window. >> you could have called.

>> they were not rocks. >> what does that mean? >> why not just ask him what it means. >> gavin, your tour is about to start, right? >> yes. i am doing ucb east tomorrow night and off to the middle east and boston saturday and then a place called montreal and a place called canada and ottawa and toronto and then back to albany at fuse box on saturday, and then sunday back in brooklyn. >> excellent. >> sherrod, what do you have this. >> first, the tag along with sherrod winner here. the first twiner -- twitter winner. hi, mags. and the show tonight on fuse 12:30. get to know me. and i will be on the mark compass show. twitter winner, mags. >> do you prepare for those shows as m