facebook. 15 minutes. go to facebook.com/thefivefnc. see you online in a minute. see you tomorrow. >> bob: don't miss that. this is a fox news alert from america's election headquarters. i'm andy levy. shocking news out of our nation's capital where veteran character actor richard kind broke his silence to give his take on the big political issues of our time. kind spoke out at the white house correspondent dinner saying he believes the disparity between the ultra rich and is the worst thing that has gone on in our nation's history. the former "spin city" star letting people know he is worried about th environment, but he is confident our president is the most smartest

man in the room. the death is said to be prolonged exposure to his winey, neighsly -- nasaly voice. >> andy, are you still there? >> still here, breaking news. >> i think we are going to be cutting in throughout the show. i didn't know he was such a risk taker. >> he was always comfortable speaking to power. some say he will speak truth to power at the drop of a hat. >> he is a brave, brave man it is shocking he would take this step. i believe he was the best man, or it may be the other way around. don't really know. don't really care. but one of those is true. and it has a lot to do with

his character. >> he is an american hero. we can agree gre upon that. >> welcome to "red eye." he is the guy that ruined the yoga mat. she is so hot that they must wear oven mitts. i am here with jedediah bila. they got the book in there. well done, people. and he needs a fire house to apply lip balm. it is called image makeover. he is living out of the back of his car. and he is four months back and totals 45 cents. and he is so tough he brushes his teeth with other people's treat. and he is a hack liar who is set on fire. good to see you, pinch. >> check out this week's

magazine on one of the avengers' louder stars in a profile titled how samuel l jackson was his own genre. that's polite journalism speak for samuel l jackson can only play samuel l jackson. see past interviews with al paw chino and jack nicholson. entertainment news. >> i got it. we are going do a story here. >> president cay stop laughing. -- can't stop laughin. do they need escorts to keep them away from escorts ? a few agents have ruined the fun for everyone. the secret service will now assign sharp paw roans to enforce new rules of conduct that may put an end to getting wasted and associated with prostitutes. the associated press reports that the code of conduct stresses that agents should refrain from things like excessive drinking and

partying in places of ill repute and taking foreigners back to their room. glad they made that clear. they bill make sure agents don't mess around on trips where the presidential limo and other bullet proof vehicles are transported by plane. said one senator, quote, it is too bad common sense policy has to be dictated in this manner. what do you make of the new rules? the idea of having a chaperon? it is another level of beurocracy we have to pay for. >> it sucks. those guys do a great job to protect the president. there are a couple of knuckle heads that don't know how to use discretion. if you are going to do it -- >> it does say something about the fact that -- can't we trust these guys? >> at this point they are not going do anything again. >> it is funny. let's add more rules.

>> isn't this new code saying that it has happened before in other places. there is more stuff out there. >> they wouldn't be putting forth a series of regulations, but it is proof of what i have been saying since birth and that is you cannot trust men. >> i would because i am a boy. >> it doesn't matter. i said men. men cannot be trusted. is. >> let me ask you, your lips are your own constant sharp paw roan which has nothing to do with the story. go ahead and say something funny or try to be funny. >> that doesn't even give me a chance. first of all, isn't the threat of being fired enough in our country anymore? you don't do this in the private sector. you don't have somebody standing over you and then have sex with minutedy in accounting.

>> by the way, you have to give him credit. he used the blank from accounting joke. >> you just did a dog joke. >> i was talking about obama eating dogs. that is racist you assumed that i was talking about a chinese person you are a racist. >> i want you to put those child notes on so i can hit you. >> with which hand. he has a cast on one hand. >> the funny thing is your broken hand is the milk shake. if you are going to get a sharp paw roan, who would it be?

>> they can out run her. >> why are a few bad apples ruining it? i did not have a chaperon for my own promg. prom. if i did, i would have a chaperon. hire me. i would be an amazing chaperon. to you secret service, you can't spell chaperon without chaps. >> you were great because you would glassily sacrifice your body to carry certain ops. >> but here is the thing. why do you need teams of people to oversee other people -- other people 1234* you have a show on at 3:00 a.m. 2340* one watches you, and yet you do your job. >> no one watches me? >> come on the rest of you, laugh. >> no one watches me exseptemberexcept for some has been comic who keeps e-mailing me to come on? are you talking about joe derosa? joe derosa keeps e-mailing you to come on?

ut.. >> weren't we talking about hookers, and cocaine 1234*. >> if this isn't a problem why would they institute the policy? that's like saying i got five women pregnant, but i am not using condoms. >> they feel like in order to prevent a pattern, they -- >> they have to say something. is it safe to say, and again the secret service guys are great. they are awesome guys, but has this happened before? probably. why are you laughing at me? >> i keep looking at your shirt and you have these zippers and i keep saying if you open them you can see your nipples. >> that was my way to get out of this story.

on money date obama campaign released a 7-minute video that not only listed the accomplishments like being the first foreign born president, but unveils the new slogan. take a look. >> sorry. i am now told team obama rejected that ad. here is the approved one. >> i believe america is on the way up. thank you. god bless you. god bless the united states of america. >> i still think forward is a little wordy. but maybe that is just me. other rejected slogans include little in the middle, but he's got much back, which was too

urban. oly-oly oxen free. too foreign. i know you are, but what am i is too confrontational. and backyards -- backwards which was highly accurate. here is my theory. they chose forward because they are always trying to look for a word with an o in it to put the obama logo. do you think that's why they did it? >> absolutely. or to be sponsored by cheerios. >> i don't even know what that meant. >> i was trying to be polite. >> he is one fabric away from seeing his nipple and i am doing the best i can. >> try to answer the question. >> do not encourage him. i will punch the lens of your camera with my good hand. >> why did he use the word change? it worked for him before. >> how ironic is that? >> that's a comment that it is not going well.

>> good point captain -- i was going to say obvious, but that was too obvious. >> what would your slogan have been? >> how about disaster or change back -- maybe change back to who was here before i got here? >> that is kind of long. >> how about, look over here, look over here. that's what they are doing. >> have i really cool friends. have i cool friends. obama brought up it is killing of osama in the video. should he be playing this card, and given the fact that yes he ordered it. >> i don't think any president would have. i don't think any president would have said we hospital do this. what bothers me is they talk about congress, and those congress people were voted in the 2010 landslide it obstruct you. i think the obama

administration is not mad at congress. they are mad at a good section of the u.s. for thwarting what they wanted to do. people are not buying it. >> people are not buying it. there you go. bill, your slogan is please step over my sick. it is actually insurancest inspirational. >> sick is the name of my toy dog. >> your dog brush is used by -- >> >> lesson one in comedy, people, don't refer to a joke that happened before the show. >> but if you embrace it they will know something happened and they will be intrigued by it. >> the only thing special that happens with the camera is all of the quiet -- all of us quietly praying that it might make a good joke. >> it is like diewlg banjos -- dualing banjos. >> this is great.

>> let me interject here for one second. all i am thinking about is terry's nipple getting caught in the zipper and the reason is we talked about it on the show. >> here is jedediah, and you are probably the only adult here right now. the word forward, and there is an article in the examiner linking its heritage to common socialist slogans. remember the great leap forward? a lot of people died. i am note saying -- >> i am not buying that. >> not at all. >> and nbc liens forward. >> and who played forward? >> haley joel osmond our modern day marx. i don't know where i am. >> i don't even know what you are talking about.

>> i was just raising points that went over your head. >> how come you weren't in the video in they named hannity and beck. where were you? >> i don't know. >> are you succeeding up to them? >> can i make a point? i believe that would have been a good ad if president obama had given more credit -- you get credit by giving credit. >> you don't rag on your host when you are doing a show. >> here is what they should have put on the ad. they should have had in 2007 when obama said they have plans to strike again and if we have knowledge about targets and musharif won't act, we will. right after that mitt romney says, i do not conquer with the words of barack obama and we would not go into pakistan. if you want to know who wouldn't do that, it is mitt romney. from ads to gags, was his funny on the money? barak gave cracks in front of the washington media and stars like george clooney and me.

the commander in cool took digs at mitt, his own dining on dogs and a certain hooker scandal. >> it is great to be here this evening in the vast, magnificent hilton ballroom, or what mitt romney would call a little fixer upper. what is the difference between a hockey mom and a pittbull? a pittbull is delicious. i really do enjoy attending these dinners. in fact i had more material prepared, but have i to get the secret service home in time for their new curfew. >> those are what you call jokes, paul. will one-liners help keep obama from being a one termer? some say it is his social uh jill jill tee at splashy events that makes him a leader something mitt could not pull off. i bet you are wondering how did cats respond to this speech.

>> i just want to let everyone know at home the cat died. no, the cat is fine. i just wanted somebody to say that. >> for you kids out there, eventually that cat will die. he will die. that is inarguable. >> paul, you claim to be a comedian and i haven't seen any evidence of this tonight, but how do obama do? >> he did well. he skirted the edge a little bit on a couple of occasions, but the whole fact that they have to do this, it is like, really? people say, oh, you know, it is like it is a bs part of his job he has to do and people are upset he has to do it. it is like people upset with you because you have to go to commercial. like you really like to do that. >> i do because i can get away from you. here is the thing -- just kidding. why am i being sympathetic for him. i hate him.

the jokes are written, but you need skill in executing them. does that matter? do you care you have a president who can tell jokes ? >> i think it is okay. give the guy a break. they have to do this. that part does president bother me like the jokes or whatever. but we were talking back stage and a couple of muffins and greg wasn't there yet. he was doing drugs somewhere. were you? what was i going to say? >> i don't know. apparently it was not me. >> what we were -- what were we talking about again? >> i feel like i am at the world's worst blackjack table. >> it feels like that dinner is for every president. it feels like there is an elite group that are in on the jokes. i watch to catch glimpses of, oh he was funny, or he wasn't funny. >> that's the thing that bugged me. i was there. i was sitting there and i felt

it was two groups tickling each other. you had the politicians tickling the celebrities and the celebrities tickling the politicians and i was weeping. >> how was the kids' table? >> it was good. i got a small portion. jedediah, i want you involved to keep him quiet for awhile. romney, there was a guy from new york magazine saying romney could never pull off a night like this. do you think america cares? >> i think america does care. i don't particularly care if my president is entertaining or likable as a person. i care about his policy. but when people go to vote, they vote on like ability. you ask voters what they think of president obama and more than half say i like him. he is a great guy. most say we don't agree with his policy, but he sold hope, change and yes we can because people were care charizmatic and they thought he was a cool guy. when he sang -- >> have i to go quick. you have 10 seconds, bill. >> why do they keep doing

this? can't the president be like, i'm done. this is stupid. i never want to do this again. >> i greaty. >> it is a big thing that i would use. >> if there was footage of fdr getting poked, there would be no respect for the guy. coming up, is it possible to tickle a man to death? terry save ford discusses this -- terry stafford discusses his new book. was water boarding an effective an teargas tactic 1234* we report and you put on your speedo and wait for me in the car. >> guests stay with greg's neighbor carl. now offering choice of pullout couch, futom or beanbag chair. >> he'll watch you while you sleep. >> guests on "red eye" stay at the econo comfort suite off the garden state parkway and now serkfast.

were we too many in our effort to glean? in apologizing for their techniques like water boarding and gathering information post 9/11, in an interview jose rodriguez was asked if he had qualms and spoiler alert, he said no. >> we made some al-qaeda terrorists with american blood on their hands uncomfortable for a few days, but we did the right thing for the right reason. and the right reason was to protect the homeland and to

protect american lives. >> i love that guy even though i'm pretty shove it was larry gatlin. we explained that the use of nudity was better than water boarding. >> it is effective because a lot of people feel very vulnerable. it is not something that is common. >> meanwhile, they are showing a typical enhanced an teargas. anterrogation. larry, you like this guy because he doesn't apologize. why shouldn't he not apologize? >> jose rodriguez couldn't have been in charge of the cia at that time in 2004 because we know republicans hate hispanics. but he was. the reason is guys like him, and guys like me as a green

beret live in reality, and we know that's a reality. no bones broken or teeth cracks or general genitals mutilated. we don't get that. >> you call yourself a green better ray, really? >> break his other hand. he can break his hand by looking at it. can i play a clip for you, jedediah? this is just me boarding outside. no, this is more of the interview. >> so sleep deprivation and dietary manipulation. i mean, this isorelian stuff. the united states doesn't do that. >> well, we do. >> does he know what orelian means? >> no. >> are you talking about animals ? >> i don't get it. >> these are people trying to kill us. >> massive government overtaking the health care

system, no, that's fine. listen, i am not losing any sleep over terrorists who are maybe a little naked and uncomfortable or are sitting in too much water. i really don't care. khalid sheik mohamed, we got a ton of information out of him because he was water boarded. i don't care if you put him in dye -- diapers or how you have to torture him. >> your stand up is considered torture. are you hurt the cia didn't ask you to perform for the prisoners ? >> that's horrible. >> i know. >> i am going to cut his hamstring after the show. >> there is nothing. >> it was derosa? >> no, it was bill o'reilly. not in a bad way. >> answer the question because have i to move to bill. >> i don't even remember what the question was. >> look, of course, it is torture and necessary and stop

calling it enhanced an teargas and call it torture. are you calling it free range an teargas? call it what it is. it is like peaking in the pool. you are not supposed to do it, but if you do -- >> here is the thing, despite all of these techniques, these guys had a better life than you. >> he would be an amazing only din gnaw joked double. he would be happy to leave the cia. >> can i make a point before i move on? >> yes. >> i think i was going to coach you on your dance moves. they use dietary manipulation on khalid shake mohamed and he lost 50 pounds. >> are you welcome, khalid. >> if that's what they deverybody in america wants to know what the manipulation is. what did they put him on the atkins diet? >>50 pounds? he will live like 30 years longer.

>> there are big actors asking to be water boarded. >> wealth, i am glad i paused to listen to you. it is like pulling over when you don't have to when you are driving and somebody has to pull over expru like, why? and are you like, why? >> i think that means you will -- do you have a comment on the show? to leave a voicemail 212-462-5050. still to come, the half time report from tv's andy levy. >> tonight's half time report is sponsored by dog weddings. the ceremony in which two canines are united in marriage or a similar institution. thanks, dog weddings.

hi, andy. >> paul, shut up while other people are talking. is this your first time out of your house? >> i am not the only one. >> shut up. that's all i'm asking. >> what? i can't hear you. >> i will have you know that even the cameramen were heckling paul. >> i didn't imply i could do their job. >> maybe i should work behind the camera implying you could do their job. >> you can't even do your own

job. >> i am glad i only have six days left to live. >> so say we all. >> secret service getting chaperons. >> you like to call them chaperones? i assume that's because they are all male? >> no, but what we do ends up in p chas. i -- in chaps. >> i thought -- meant chapstick. >> you can't spell chaperons without chaps, but you mean chaps with an "s." >> no, i think you will find i am right. >> we are beating this joke into the ground. >> you said it sucks because it a couple of knuckle heads who didn't use discretion. it is always a few people who ruin it for everyone. >> and you were in the military. there is that guy who doesn't know how to stop using cocaine. i am just saying.

>> you said this probably happened before with the secret service, but i'm sure you will agree with something i said when the story first broke and it turned out military personnel were involved. this has to be the first time anybody in the military engaged the services of a professional lady. >> it has never happened before. >> i could not believe it. >> weird. >> jedediah, you said it proves that you can't trust men. don't you think the chaperons are going to be mad? >> i am just hoping the chaperon is not bill clinton. i think the chaperon should be women. >> i think you are right. >> i know how to keep my boys in line. >> i don't even know what i just did there. >> you have some sac going there. some sass going there. >> isn't there like a 19-year-old ra in charge because they have a few less acne pimples? >> it is not like that.

>> i just want to know what an acne pimple is. it is a redundant face problem. >> i am taking my pants off. >> why, do you want people to laugh more? >> oh! that's terrible. >> everybody is really good tonight. >> except for me, apparently. >> new obama slogan is forward. i would have gone with ah, ya. or maybe, come on, son. >> that is a little racist. >> not at all. either one would have been fine. jedediah you suggested the slogan should be, change back to the person who was here before me. >> that didn't make any sense at all, actually. it is just what came to mind. i did say disaster, so that could be it. no? >> there is no o in disaster so you can't put the -- >> you can't use it in the slogan. >> olly-olly oxen free has two o's and you should have stuck with that. >> yodles. >> maybe it should be oooo.

>> like 7o's. >> or ooo-bama. >> terry, you brought up a good point on the destruction of congress. the point being that congress was voted in to obstruct the president's policies. the ad fails to mention that obama had a democratic majority in the house. both houses of congress his first two years, right? >> yes. however you come down on this is fine. these are great packaging ideas, but it is not playing. if you add up the last few years, sorry, man. you can't package it. >> don't you think that ad plays well if you know nothing about obama's policies ? totally ignorant voter? >> absolutely. it is a good add for those who haven't made up their mind. >> totally agree. >> or who weren't paying attention. >> what were you saying? >> case in p oi nt. >> you brought up slogans with thed with forward in them, and good for you for bringing that up. >> thank you. i did site where i got it

from. >> the washington times i think? >> i found it on your desk. it was all of those things under lined. >> have i to say almost forward was the motto of my basic training battalion. >> really? almost forward? >> sorry, always forward. >> no wonder they all died. >> almost forward is a personal motto jie. is that why you walk in the woods a lot. >> >> that's the logo for obama, almost forward. >> white house correspondent dinner, ask paul how he thought the president did. i was watching it with paul. he kept turning to me saying what is the crowd doing between the jokes? i had to keep explaining, they are laughing. he had no idea. >> you don't have to digitize it. this is my cast from my broken

hand. >> jose rodriguez says the cia has enhanced the an teargas. >> andy -- >> yes? >> never mind. >> thanks for killing my timing though. it is bad enough you have none of your own. don't kill others. terry, you said guys like jose rodriguez, guys like you live in reality. let me ask you this, would the plots have been stopped without the harsh an teargas techniques? he says i can't answer that question. perhaps. then she says, you told us the whole rational for the an teargas program was to stop an imminent attack. the inspector general says it didn't stop any imminent attack. i submit to you we don't know. i can't answer that question, perhaps. and i submit to you we don't know. not the most resounding defense i have ever heard. >> yes. but didn't they say something about the inspector general was opposed to the policies. he might have had a dog in

that hunt and finding it not effective. and somebody we have done battlefield an teargases. we have done the right thing. you were in the army and i was in the army. when you put people in stress, you start getting stuff out of it. >> believe me. i can understand what he is saying. >> the inspector general says water boarding doesn't work. rodriguez says it did. 24r* is only one way to find out who is telling the truth. >> i'm with you. it could be a good tv show. >> absolutely. >> are you suggesting water boarding paul mccurio? >> absolutely. >> i think america could get behind that. >> i would like to say it was the guy who destroyed 92 tapes because he wanted to protect the people he tortured. he should have saved a few. even nixon is saying, whoa, all 92? >> he had a better chance of proving it worked if he didn't had have it destroyed. >> it is like i don't smoke pot, and to prove it you show the empty bong. >> you mentioned this before. if we did so something a

little over the top, are you really that bummed out about it? >> not at all. >> if you are bummed out about. it you ma i want to -- you may want to think about what it takes to keep you alive. >> always have something on the table. >> i have a lesson for that. >> at the end of the day it is less than an american soldier captured by the enemy. >> i am a little bummed out. >> you shouldn't be. don't be. >> have i to go. >> do you really? >> yes. >> see you later. coming up, what is the best way to clear a room in under five seconds? paul mccurio on his new book. when is the best time to retire? for me it is right after a warm bath.

how much does the news insert its news? a recent poll finds that they tend to favor one side compared to 55% who say so. that's the same year i first

ate corn. the washington post asks, has the media become more slanted or is perception trumping reality? based on a study of studies, my favorite kind, one side is in favor over the other. the left is balanced and reporting more favorable to conservatives. says one professor, quote, the net affect is zero. spare me the math, egghead. let's discuss this, shall we, in -- >> lightning roooouuuunnnndd. lightning round. >> jedediah, do you buy this? how can it even out when the other networks are p nie -- pinkos? >> it is not. conservative new media has helped to balance it out a little bit, but the main network with the exception of fox. you -- you turn that on and it is a bias. i think we have a long way to go. >> here is an interesting question. do you think people believe that their source of news is fair and the other ones

biased? is that pretty much -- is that just how everybody thinks? >> i think so. i think if you pay attention at all, i think it is obvious where these news people come down. they are either, a, don't worry about it or lazy. or they are like, these guys are doing a good job. paul, you are a lefty pretending to be a sen terrorist. centrist. isn't that the problem? you say oh i am not a liberal and then you spout your evil, liberal views. at this point you can talk about how manly terry is. >> look at him. everything about him is muscular. >> this is what paul wanted to talk about on the break. he was wonder figure he can talk about how neckish. >> you look like a substitute teacher with those glasses. how old are you? >> i feel like one. >> there is a whole idea of a bias media that is nonsense. people can make their own judgments. i don't think you give the american people credit.

people watching the manson trial and they city that is way too psychopathic. i can't watch that. there are enough sources to get the facts and figure it out. >> i think it would be true if they get more information. >> between the internet and awflt cable networks -- and cable networks. >> if people back checked, he never would have been elected. >> spending time at 11:00 at night on the fact check thing. >> that's why it needs to be balanced. >> i want to bring -- have i to bring bill in. bill, are you a hard news journalist. >> goi to my former girlfriend, hoda for advice. she used to be a journalist reporting on all manners of thing afghanistan or tsunami and tornado. now what does she do? she is with kathy lee every morning and that is my hero. thank you, hoda.

>> i think she is hot. >> she is cute. >> she an egyptian princess. a new gal lop poll finds that the average people people expect to retire is 67, the same number of hairs on my big toe, fyi. the figure has been climbing since the mid-nineties with more than haver of those surveyed believing they will not have enough money to live comfortable blee in your retirement. you are in your 40s. >> i am retiring right now. this is my last anything. i think there is this whole rose colored glasses. nicky minage will be a poet in some people's eyes. you go to your golden years and spend it with your family. is that happiness? work until you drop dead. >> i actually believe you can have both, but maybe i am rock.

wrong. people who retire are annoying especially if they are your neighbors. it is good to have a job. >> my dad retired a few years ago and my mom said he is impossible. >> i think the whole biological thing the fact we are living so long which is a good thing, i guess. >> we are around longer so you have to do something. although i am going to retire in two years. >> really? >> no. >> you are going to keep working on your neck muscle? >> it will get bigger and bigger. >> jedediah, do you think these predictions are accurate? >> they could be. i mean, i am hoping to retire sometime later this year. i will keep you posted. >> you are 74. >> who are you going to marry? >> lots of surgeries, but i am 74. one of you guys will pay for my beach condo. or barack obama, help me out. redistribute something to me so i can retire. >> living to age 67 must seem lib a pipe dream. >> i wish they would lower the retirement age drastically.

everyone should keep on working because they say that the minute you retire you are much more likely to get mental issues issues and heart issues. having said that, i don't like those theories or statistics because i am good at doing nothing. that's the one thing i am good at is siting on the couch. i am amazing at it. >> when guys retire -- >> you looked at my nipples again, did you? >> i can't keep this show on a level line here. i am at a blackjack table where everybody is playing go fish. we have to take a break. why fight it i say?

it is time once again on a segment we call guess the story. we show a piece of tape, and our guests, what is left of them. as always viewer cans play along at home. write your answer in spaghetti sauce on the screen so i can see. it here we go.

>> jedediah? >> this is obviously a segment where you go to the bathroom outside and use it to fertilize the soil. >> that's exactly what i was going say, actually. >> i thought that's where you get your material. >> he stole it from me. >> no, from the toilet. >> this is a new -- this is an

art exhibit of some kind. it is an outdoor art installation where ultimately you sleep outside as a homeless person because that's what you do. >> this is the ground breaking ceremony for the new trap. >> i cannot believe you users miss that. >> it is attracted to porcelain toilets. >> i need to absolve myself from this. that was my home. i just got out of my bathroom there. >> my guess was it was just a ribbon cutting ceremony for new ribbons. the toilet happened to be there by disefnlt the correct accident is the world's largest public toilet opened in japan. it is a glass [cubical|cubicle] [cubical|cubicle] -- cru bicle toilet. i need to watch them go to the bathroom outside. >> the cameras are water

proof. >> that so-called architect planned the whole thing. >> if you build it they will come. >> we will close things out with a post game wrap up with andy levy. go to fox news.com/red eye for recent clips.

back to andy levy with the post game wrap up. >> jedediah, i hear you have a hot new column? >> a hot new column at jedediah bila.com. you don't want to miss it. >> excellent. >> i thought we don't trust men. >> terry? >> a family friend going back for the second tour in afghanistan with the marines. and jeff, i think i got the last name right from 25th infantry division, enjoy your time with your family. welcome home. i had it in my head and i can't remember it because i was under pressure and greg was yelling at me. >> are you a horrible american. >> des moine