>> we'll have another secret caller tomorrow night. be sure to join us at 7:00 p.m. eastern. up next "the o'reilly factor." good night from washington, d.c. welcome to "red eye." it is like two broke girls if by girls you mean romanian gentlemen i met at the port authority bus terminal who aren't really broke anymore, or alive for that matter. let's welcome our greatests. she is hotter than a man on fire. she anchors "imus in the morning" on fox business network. and filling in for andy levy is virgil vega. he is the only to knock somebody out with a stern look of disapproval. he is doing it now. and if insightful commentary

were bingo older folks would do him while siping coffee, author, political commentator and brigthbeirt editor-in-chief. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. people call me white webster by hyped the tiny back. >> i am going to ignore it disembodied voice. can games like tag end in a body bag? no, but one long island school is not taking chances. a middle school in port jefferson, new york have banned footballs, baseballs and soccer balls. i am okay with that. they will allow nerfs that are softer like these children will soon be. and rough games of tag and cart wheels will require supervision from a teacher said the superintendent, quote, some of the injuries

can become unintentionally serious so we want to make sure our children are having fun, but also protected. some are ignoring the ban. i believe we have tape. >> come on jack. >> those are some of the ugliest, fattest, gnarly children i have ever seen. disgusting. do something about your kids, america. it is becoming an embarassment. diane, every year two billion children are killed by tether balls. a stat i have no proof actually exists. how do you feel about this? >> you have as much information as the school provided on why they would need this banned. you can't play soccer, football, lacrosse, baseball or do cart wheels. and now the study on why kids are getting fat. >> what is replacing these things? they will use technology as their replacement for

everything. they will sit and go like this all the time. joel, you are against the ball ban. i guess that means you are for children dying. >> i think the teachers will be the biggest opponents. if they are not beating each other up they will do it in class. half of the purpose was to get them out of the classroom so they can kill each other. >> that is true. i know as one of those chirp. andy, as a child you killed a classmate during a game of tag and it haunts you today. is that why you had trouble sleeping tonight? >> that's the only thing that doesn't keep me up at night, greg. you shouldn't have tried to tag me. this is what i would like to call the obamafication of american woosies. it is the obamification of american woosies and this is the meaning of obamification of american woosies. we know concussions and how traumatic they are for the brain.

on the other hand you can't spend your whole life wearing a helmet. believe me, i tried it. you get stairs. the problem with a lot of this is we are trying to provide kids with 100% injury free world. you can't do that and it is not good. you are supposed to get bumps and scrapes when growing up. >> andy made a good joke about head injuries. i would laugh and laugh and laugh. other people would join in laughing as well and maybe thousands and perhaps millions of the entire american population would be laughing at your grevious head injury. >> you could have just said a lot of people would have laughed. we would have saved a lot on the word count there. when i was a kid we would play tackle football wearing nothing gut our khakis and the children never said a thing. as a result i don't remember much after the tackle football game. kids these gays are like the nfl. 20 years ago nfl running backs are the size -- no, nfl line

backers are the size of running backs now. everybody has gotten bigger and kids have gotten really bid. when they collide with each other there is clt rail -- collateral damage. make them have gigantic body-sized diapers and make them look like the michelin man. if they bump into anything they will not hurt each other. >> the moment you put kids in a sumo suit you will offend the sensibilities of certain asian cultures i think. >> well, the sumos from sumo island. >> that would be another example of the obamafication of american woosies. you should write a book. should it be the obamafication of the american woosies? >> no, the obamafication of the american woose jiecht you should have your sleeves rolled up. >> getting back to work. like america.

>> the point to get from this, the only way to navigate risk is to understand it. if you want to see the end result of what happens when people are coddled, go on a plane and the people who applaud when the plane lands x that's what we are creating. >> it makes them european. >> those are people who are so -- >> it is the same thing. >> they are so scared of risk -- i mean this is coming from somebody who doesn't like to fly. but it bothers me when people applaud. >> the only difference between you and them is you are missing your ambien and whiskey. >> that is not true. i don't miss am bien with alcohol. i learned years ago not to do that. >> you learned several times. >> i learned a dozen times. >> ambien, whisky and wine do not mix at all.

>> there is a lot of food carts with your dna on them. >> you know what, those food carts are now worth something. >> they are on ebay. >> they are on ebay with hazmat. it finds your match with a catch. a new dating app, i hate that word, sets people up solely based on similar interests without the luxury of seeing any photos. twine as it is called which is currently available on android, whatever that is, and apple products gathers information from the data profile and matches them up based on personalities keepinges blurred. it is the waybill sees people every night. says the founder, quote, every other dating app is trying to show you a photo and pick people who are good looking. we understand this is not common in real life. the app is the an at this time that you sis of tinder.

that's how these little guys found each other. >> i don't think he is coming back. >> i ordered the whole set of those videos from germany. unbelievable. >> it is like the prologue. >> it is like the first 22nds and then he gets outs of the water. can you dry me, dog? oh i will dry you and the dog rolls all over him. and then they are rolling around and then he crushes the dog. anyway, you can get that video if you want, but it will probably cost you a lot. >> g gutfeld.com. >> yes, an autographed copy. joel, women outnumber men 16-1 on this twine thing. what does that tell you? men are pigs some. >> it tells you a lot of those men pretending to be women.

it comes about two years late to save anthony wiener. he never would have been in trouble. >> he would have drawn it on some bark and mailed it. >> it is greater than signs and question marks and things like that. >> he has an imagination. diane, you would never use a dating site, and obviously now you are married. congratulations. >> thank you. >> you wouldn't have used a site that didn't immediately reveal how hot the person was, would you? >> this is in my book "stick to your own kind, ugly people." >> how dare you do a preemptive strike. >> it mimics the real dating world. they drink themselves silly. and then they go home with who ever. it mimics the real world and on the flip side, ok cupid allows you to pay extra money to filter people by their body type and attractiveness. you can filter out people who describe themselves as curvey or my favorite was used up or

what wind kind of a rating they get on your attractive logarithm. >> you get the special we covered that last week report. >> i am glad you did the research. for those who didn't watch last week -- >> and your favorite was used up. >> why would anybody describe their body as used up? >> it was a disconcerting look into your nightlife. >> i didn't say i i did it. i am just saying people do. >> shouldn't this guy call his side for what it is? a place for unattractive people to meet? >> we don't say unattractive. that is given by the p atriarchy. >> we don't like to be chal eng led. they are attractive in their own ways.

>> in a way they don't want to put a picture up. >> this is not an awful idea. it just underestimates the physical attractiveness to a lot of people. especially men. this is what i see happening. i see a lot of great conversations between people who think they are meant for each other and then they do the reveal and then one is not returning messages. in a way it is almost worse. it would be better to be rejected offhand than establish what you think is a great rapport and they are suddenly, oh i actually can't make it this year. >> this is why men are smarter about relationships than women. when women would say why can't we be friends first? no, you have to find out now if we are compatible. i don't know. does that make sense? >> it sounds like you are a creepy person. >> the whole idea of we became friends. no, if a guy says he first became friends with you he is

lying. he always liked you. he was waiting for you to like him back. >> sometimes you are a part of a group of friends and then things just, you know jie. i don't know what perverse life you lead, but i wasn't into any group thing. our dates were ma nothing muss. >> and i am not naive enough to think physical attractiveness is not important in relationships, but you don't think someone's personality can make them seem more attractive? >> of course, look at me. >> don't look. magic is gone if you stair in the eyes. >> men can get away with that because women are not as shallow as men. i think women can be shallow, but they will take the time to -- women evaluate the status more so than looks. >> there are some 6's and 10's walking around -- >> i am a 4 with a 10. >> you have seen her husband. he is gorgeous.

every night i pray to god one day i will get a glimpse of his shirtless glistening coming out of a pool. that said, he brings nothing to the table. absolutely vai can't -- vacant personality wise. >> you have to stop hiding out by their pool of the. >> i should enjoy it now. by the time he is 50, 55, dead weight. at least enjoy the attractiveness. >> good for the moment i guess. well, anyway, all right, from partners to puppets. ernie and bert will not be hurt. while they shutdown the government the corporation for public broadcasting received $440 million from the federal government on the first day of the shutdown. on cns news they say this means sesame street and npr got money and the national institute of health was able to start clinical trials for cancer patients and the obama administration was blocking the access to the war

memorials. i was a roommate of his years ago. they said pbs has conducted previous interviews with president obama and he says it looks like you scratch my back and i will scratch yours. our calls to the dermatologist went unanswered. but the cpb says it is funding , quote, indispensable and represents thousands of jobs. for more let's go live to this cat. >> see that is essential. that is essential. if they were going cut anything out of the government, it is a 17% government shutdown and that better not be part of the 17%. i better see that cat scratching its backside until the day i die. the corporation of public

broadcasting is essential, but this other stuff isn't? >> not only does that not make sense, but you can look at other cuts and find the same backward thinking. they closed hundreds of parks that are privately funded and not only don't cost tax money, but they will make money if you leave them open. it is like there is an initiation of government. you lose your common sense when it comes to managing money. i don't get it. >> is this just -- the republicans started this fight and so president obama is saying, okay, i am going to make it hurt in places that are really obvious. it is like somebody poking you all the time until you get really angry. >> republicans started this and not just over the shutdown and not just obamacare. it goes to romney saying he wants to put big bird out of work. big bird decide i am getting you guys. it started the alliance and

now big bird has the last laugh. today's number is brought to you by 445 million. i covered npr a lot throughout the shutdown. they don't need the money to be as bias as they are, but they definitely weighed in against republicans in favor of president obama, and they have been covering the pain and suffering. they did a piece about the miramar airshow in san diego that canceled the bay before it was supposed to happen and they have half a billion -- and npr, they only get 2% of the funding from the government. when the republicans want to take the money away they say we don't need the public money. if they have all of these money why are the npr's doing pledge drives? there needs to be a con -- conservativeal alternative. i want a con curve tiff -- a conservative alternative radio. >> i wont to write that down.

i. >> yowl would be killed. >> it is safer if we eliminate this. unless we are joking and he accidentally dies and they think i did kill him. what if i was kidding and then i was interviews. you leave npr on all day for your cats. you must be happy about this. >> it is not cool that during the government shutdown money is going to the cookie monster on. we have got to stop that. the cpb person says this money is indispensable. at the same time they say we get such a small fraction from the government, stop making a big deal about it. my last and most porn point is, were you a roommate? >> yes. >> do you do the i'll scratch

your back and you scratch mine. >> i can't remember if he came in when i was there. that is not for american consumption. it is not hanging out in a bunk bed at a weird rehab. >> sounds like great pride. i want to no what happened. >> i assume you are torn up your personal hero oscar the grouch is getting his money. >> i think the doctor is getting paid more than me. and hour glass is not only real, but it is a delight. it does make me feel bad for the other side. it makes me want to come up with a conservative radio station. this is an amazing idea and no one else will be the wiser. >> this is just part of the obamafication of american woosies. there is an alternative.

it is called radio. all right. we have to take a break. coming up, how can we fix the health care system? diane macedo talks to other people. paying the higher premium and can dye as long as i'm concerned. it is a long title, but it is fair. >> how long does it cost to remove your own mug shot. for steve dues see it is mug shots, pleasuring. >> the man thinks the law does president apply to him. female announcer: save up to 35%

female announcer: and through columbus day, get three years interest-free financing on tempur-pedic, at sleep train's inventory clearance sale. ♪ your ticket to a better night's sleep ♪ we are told. secretary of health and human services and my scrabble partner appeared on the daily show and revealed how many have signed up for obamacare.

she does president know exactly -- she doesn't know exactly, but it is super a lot. >> fully enrolled? we don't know. we are taking applications on the web and on the phone. we are giving monthly reports. i can tell you we have had not only lots of web hits, but hundreds of thousands of accounts created. >> it is for hundreds of thousands of people who signed up. >> of accounts created. which means they will go shopping. >> on tuesday president obama hilled an hour long press conference, but wasn't asked a single question about the second biggest story of the week. no reporters asked him about my peck implants. that's why i was off, by the way. and there were no questions about obamacare for the glitz see insurance exchanges. one consumer has signed up already. and they are already shopping for a plan.

>> if one cat is happy, we have solved a major issue. we need to stop complaining about obamacare because that cat has finally got health care. so do the 19 million others. is obamacare a boonedogle or a dogleboon. and rome was not built in a day, sir. it took a couple of years. >> it wasn't burned in a day either. it is an exram pell of how the -- example of how the big government works. these gurus were supposed to be on the data wizzards who coordinated the campaign. it was good enough for the campaign, but not good enough for the country. >> when you said this program is a perfect example, i thought youent meant "red eye." >> we talked to reporters and there was nothing about obamacare. people say what do you expect? you republicans are

responsible for the shutdown and that's what the press conference was about. if you want to talk about obamacare you shouldn't have shutdown the government. that seems to imply we can only focus on one thing at a time. >> we know that's not -- that is them defending themselves for not asking the tough questions they know he wants to talk about. that being said. i think it is too early to say if this is a failure or not. it is fair for them to say it is too early to really be reporting on the numbers. health care doesn't kick in until january. they have until december 15th to sign up. i hope take the time to shop around and compare the plans before they pick a plan and enroll and sign up for one. the way they are dodging these questions is squirrely for lack of a better term. the treasury secretary was on this weekend saying that's the wron ask. answer it and move on. >> the one thing -- i don't

understand how do you sharp for a plan if you go -- i mean are there a lot of plans. i thought you just plug your money in, but they are not competing against each other. >> my understanding is you sign up and you file -- fill out a form. and then you can compare those plans and pick which one works best. in some cases the more expensive plan could be better because of the co pays and everything else. >> i am eligible for a plan called methadone. i didn't read further than that. >> it does take time if you want to do this the right way. >> or maybe just not have it at all and let the private economy handle this. >> but that ship sailed. we fought the battle. it passed the congress and passed the executive branch. at this point the battle is over and the republicans lost. let it play out. if it is a failure, then

that's their mo right there. they can say we were begins it. >> i think it will fail. didn't they recall the catastrophic health care. >> and the debt limit is the law of the land. >> obama changinged the law. >> without congress. >> i think you have to give something like this a little time -- >> it has been eight days. eight days of mo. jury is out. fail. jay they had the three years between the time they passed it -- >> but no one knows if this will work or not. it hasn't kicked in yet. >> we are spending all of this money and we passed a law and you said we don't know if it is going to work or not? if you will pass a a law you should know if it will work before you pass it. >> i don't think so. night in a big system change

like that. >> they didn't know how any of it would work out. >> people know certain things. i look at what i would be paying on obamacare is so much more than i am paying night. i work a little with the small business community, i don't care if you are big or little don't have more than 49 employees. >> we report on that owl the time. i understand that. the fact of the matter is the law has been passed. it was upheld by the supreme court and if all of this happens it will reflect in our jobs numbers and the unemployment reports and so on. when it is a complete failure if everything they are saying is true, the next round of elections -- >> i agree with you, but president obama stood there and said if you like your doctors and you like your plan you won't have to change your

plan. you won't have to lose your doctors. this will not cost you more. now people are finding out -- >> some people are paying more. >> the government is not supposed to sell you something as one thing and then say it is something else. >> i completely agree with you. >> it is based on one law already passed. >> enough of this "five." coming up, is obamacare responsible for the recent rise in exer civil by the catholic church? we will condemn our kenyan born president to the recesses of hell. will a rabbit hurt your sex life? >> maybe. i don't know. it is a long story.

they are putting up a fight against silent night. a wisconsin school district, is there any other kind, is cracking down on the number of religious songs that can be performed at christmas concerts. high school choir director phil buck says during a meeting with officials about the upcoming season he was given three options. per form one religious song for every five secular songs, eliminate all christmas music or sacrifice a babymuir cat. buck was also told the district had to approve every music selection, so he

temporarily disbanded the choir. that is so fill lie the way. that is so phil by the way. discuss. >> lightning roooooouuuunnnnndd. lightning round. >> if these songs were based on other faiths like scientology, there would be a ton of outrage, am i right? >> they wouldn't be singing them though. that's the thing. i don't think this is unreasonable. they are not telling them not to sing christmas songs and they are not even saying don't sing religious songs. sing jingling bell rock and frosty the snow men and then silent night. have it arranged at your theater group. it doesn't have to be at the public school. >> i hate jingling bell rock. i hate when they take stuff and put the rock music in it.

>> tip cool -- tip scale square. >> i am told you celebrate hanukkah. how mad would you be if they cut hanukkah songs as part of your choir. most public schools sing dreidel, dreidel. the tough do llama is hanukkah this year falls on thanksgiving. it is so early this year. that provides a real dilemma. >> because you can't seen all of the hahn hanukkah songs in the christmas show. >> yes that, was a month ago. >> you guys have to come up with so many songs. >> you guys? you make me sick to my stomping ma. >> the thing is we have written all of the christmas songs. >> andy, you can't get enough of this war on christmas. you evil, holiday hating grinch. i use the word grinch because i can't use the other word. >> i don't.

>> you should. >> owe you kay. okay. >> the choir director was told he could sing one secular song for every five songs. they say it appears to be anti-christian unless they were afraid of a small minority of people. i think it is pretty christian. if it is not a problem last year or 10 years ago or 20 years ago why is it a problem now. do we want to make a list of things that wrbt a problem 20 years ago and they are now. >> i think it would be cool if you sing "sister christian" by night ranger. motoring. >> ♪ what's the >> can we throw in the lyrics? >> bill, we had that fella from night ranger. nice fella.

i like the word fella. >> it wasn't after the show. he was very german. >> should we blame "love actually." they started this crap10 years ago and it has been gaining momentum ever since. >> thank god they did. the soundtrack is a delight from beginning to end. this is not a war on christmas songs. christmas songs with a war on our ears. do your ears bleed eve time they come around. you heard these songs over and over. it is terrible, let's get rid of them all and listen to love actually. >> i have always had 9 most impeccable solution about everything. not just including christmas. birthdays and thanksgiving, and every two years make it like the olympics.

make it every two years. >> it is not going to hurt the economy. i worked out the map. the average person saves like $1400 a year or something like that. how much money do you think that goes to christmas gifts? people could save money if you had christmas eve two years. >> but christmas every two years would hurt the economy. >> i am not saying it would hurt the economy. >> but it would. >> the gifts from your loved ones give them the cap we get for our office. >> that's what you do, bill. not everybody works in a media company. when you send bill stuff, he regives it. >> i can't believe we made it through watt qown swraw jokes. >> i am looking forward to my ekin car.

what is that? >> i don't know. i used to see them at the fair. it was a religion. they brrrr all skinny. -- they were all skinny. >> are you sure they don't compete with am way? >> next topic, the athletic department. has apologized for holding a cindo de mayo-themed event with students wearing sombreros and eating free nachos and competing in a costumes contest. some called it racist and insensitive saying, quote, i was disappointed that this team was stereo typing the mexican culture. she or he sounds like a barrel of lives. diane, i don't mean to offend the people wearing barrels, poor people. >> when you are poor in a cartoon you are wearing a barrel. >> it is true, diane. >> shouldn't they look at this

as a celebration. when i was a kid i wore a cowboy hat. >> they are not running around with ak47's. it is silly. >> seen here. sign here again -- seen here again. >> our producers are hard at work. >> i did mention the nachos? >> i want to try this. naked boobs. >> they will drop it it in later. >> i wonder how much it costs ? the nachos were $75. the viewers at home would rather look at the nachos than at diane. >> but this is actually -- this happened at northwestern in may and this gap -- this group came out and asked people not to celebrate with sombreros because it was offensive. turns out the two people who designed the letter were not mexican. others came out and said i

love celebrating sin co day mayo. it reminds me of my childhood in mexico. >> almost eve group is runed by somebody else. they are in every culture. >> tacos tacos and sombreros, they are part of mexican culture. >> and it is not racist to wear a sombrero. aim right or wrong? >> you are 100% right which is why i have one on now. >> that's a tiny one. that's adorable. >> bill, it is not. his head is enlarged. >> i'm sorry. you are not living long, are you? >> terrible. >> all right. well then. andy, -- >> we are making the story better. >> we are special reporting the hell out of it. andy, coobt you make the same culturally insensitive arguments on st. patrick's day.

>> you could make the argument except people don't have a problem being stereo typed as drunken ballers. >> we will get letters. >> they should apologize for having a sin co day high yow test. >> i do get being offended by the best costumes booth they had there. throw on a porch choe and sombrero and win a mexican-looking prize. >> the real outrage is another event they tried to can sell tequilla shots and i knew that would upset you. >> is tequilla mexican related? >> yes. there was another event which i wish we had it. you now have a minute to respond to what was not a question. >> if this whole set up that cornell was doing was racist.

club med is a clan rally. i am surprised they have not attacked and burned club med to the ground. >> are you saying they should? it is rough. >> are have you ever been there? we need to stop being so sensitive about sensitivity. that's my message. >> make me. could i i can't. >> "the joy of hate" autographed copy. look at that beautiful cover and that face is pierce brosnan.

should you have to pay to make it go away? the new york times, a paper, reports that some shady websites are collecting mug shots by the millions and charging the subjects hundreds of dollars to take them down. this is genius. the pictures are public record

and the practice is completely legal. even if you are cleared and never charged. one college student caught with six ecstasy pills as a freshman says he lost an internship after the company googled him and his mug shot popped up. said the dude. i know what i was doing was wrong, but they are pressuring me for my photo. there is nothing i can do about that. >> years upon years of practice with this monitor has made me into a real pro. andy, is this or is this not extortion? >> i think it is not extortion. they are not putting up the pictures and then contacting the people saying we just put your pick few up. pay us and we will take them down. people find out they are up there and then people contact the website saying i president what this taken down. it is gross, but legal. mug shots are public record.

i think to parafies justice scalia it is i cany and constitutional. >> how do you know they will not do it again. it is like a weird episode of klum bow. >> and how will you know -- how about will you know what the dating website looks like. >> as a woman it may be helpful to google -- well you are married now, but check to see if he has a mug shot. >> i work in news and i think it is wrong how our justice system paraded people around of being convicted of anything. you need the public involved with this organization. that should be taken down. >> what do you think? >> it is interesting. they tried shaming the criminals a few years ago. >> they are not necessarily criminals. >> they would catch these

johnless prostitutes. but it would backfire because people tried to get caught. they would mug for the camera literally. we will see people do that in mug shots. the inevitable outcome are beak are drawn to it. >> what do you think bill? product of many mug shots? >> i am con -- conflicted. you are right as far as our justice assistance. i love taking lyndsay lohan one goes up and one goes down and where did that eyebrow go? >> great. >> ironically, the method is good when you are taking mud shots because you never take the same one twice. >> i just want to quibblingly say it looks like the free market may be taking care of the problem. google and credit card companies and paypal are making it deaf to operate and have money. >> there you go. that was an

interesting fact. we have one more story. stick around.

e block. >> last story. that's the last story.

>> you you -- he can't get a honey bus of his bunny. his love life has gone to the dogs since he rescued a rabbit. he said every potential hookup he had wept south because of the bunny including a woman who met the rabbit and then stopped returning his calls. they said they could be friends and that's it. even a woman he referred to as every man's back up plane and he is a winner and blames it on the rap bit. he said men would not like rabbits, but isn't he a billing dab dash a big loser? >> he is bald. >> i felt like the key to this story was at the end. if you read his blog, he mentions at the end he finally got a girl in bed and was weirded out because the rapid went under his beth and started tabbing his foot on

the floor. he has the rabbit in his room when he watts trying to bet women. >> there was no girl in the room. i can still get chicks despite the bunny. there was no girl. >> here is what i don't get. why did salon talk to every girl . >> every one of the woman would be like oh he had a rabbit? it seemed like a hair brained article. >> stop. >> it bugs me. >> i wish the whole thing would peter out. >> giles, joel. you have to follow that up. >> i don't know if this rings true in a way, the flipped version with this are women with cats. how many date a woman with cats? not that many. some don't like them. >> a cat never stopped me. if a girl is cute, the cats is

just some hairy thing you have to step officer. >> if it is the girl it is not stoping me. >> you mean you will date a woman with a dead cat. >> i will date a woman who main mains she is a woman. you no matter how thick the beard. >> won't stop you at all. cat is dead. >> some bald woman with a full beard. >> it would not surprise me when says women won't day because of the rabbit. >> was this in salon? what is going on with salon. i knew some people who wrote there. it is not bad. we are doing this story. i am an idiot. i am doing this story.

i was going tell about how stupid they were and then here it was my taif rete story of the day. diane, bill schulz. that was my favorite story. i am greg gutfeld. see you next time. it.

>> hello, everyone. i'm dana perino. it's 5:00 in washington d.c. and this is "the five." we are back in the nation'skle today for a very special reason that has nothing to do with politics. we're going to tell you why a little later in this show. first, we're in day eight of the obamacare rollout and the government shutdown. the president made another statement this afternoon and seemed like he was willing to talk. >> we can't make extortion routine as part of our