welcome to getting softy, the show about sandwich spreads. tonight we will discuss our favorite mayo recipes and we will take a quiz on the history of honey muss tared. first let's welcome our guests. well, she is so hot her dentist wears oven mitts. i am here with miss new york usa. look, she is so good at that. and filling in for andy levy is his younger, better looking cousin, jake levey. jake finished shooting a center fold for abs magazine, annual 12-pack issue. jake claims to be straight. and even ticks refuse 20* bite him. it is my sidekick, bill schulz. i guess jesse joyce is styling

you now. if hilarity was lottery winnings i would blow him on a ferrari. next to me, joe devito. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. wait, they actually let this guy host? >> yes. he is saying nope to public dope. recreational mark marge use may be legal -- marijuana use may be legal in colorado, but denver's mayor doesn't want to see you or smell you smoking. it michael hancock introduced an ordinance that would make it illegal to light up in city, pas or private property where it is seen or smelled. it could be subject to a $999 fine. that's silly. you could also have a year in jail. which sounds like fun. similar laws exist for glue, but they say making it illegal for people to fire up bongs on their own porch is going too

far. mayor hancock says, quote, marijuana is one of the elements that can be invasive. i shouldn't have to smell your activities from your backyard. tell me about it. we asked a denver resident for comment. >> this is what is wrong with animals who use drugs. they make drug use look bad. is this going too far, not going far enough or going the right length? >> i am an advocate for good length. but i understand what they are trying to do and you are not allowed to smoke in certain places because the secondhand smoke offends some people. i like what they are trying to do, but it is the fine with

the jail time and i don't know how they are going to enforce it. >> walking through any part of new york you immediately hit what are called the skunk cloud. everybody knows what that is. they tray to say which one is smoking the pot? but it ticks me off as a smoker because i get the looks and even when i am smoking the smokeless cigarettes, electric cigarettes. will this affect your plans to move to denver? >> no. you just need to take a paper towel roll and put a sheet of fabric softener through it and you exhale and people can't smell it. >> you walk around town? >> you walk around town with a giant paper towel and it looks a little weird. the anti-marijuana forces have to face the facts that they have lost and stop trying to nitpick. we will make it legal, but somebody can't visually see you smoking pat in your own backyard at a barbecue or

something. it is ridiculous. my question is can they smoke with the electronic cigarettes? they are allowed a lot of places regular sig represents are not -- cigarettes are not allowed. >> that is what will have them banned is the poe potential of using the pot vapor. >> show us what the harm is from seeing someone smoke pot. is that how paranoid and reactionary you will be? i can't even see somebody smoke pot. visually it will offend me. >> there are a lot of things you can do in public. privately at my place. andy, how happy are you this ordinance says nothing about smoking catnip? >> i am the opposite of outrage outrage -- outraged. >> they are going to have to, i think, get rid of the part that says the whole seeing or smelling it when you are on your own property. you can have a barbecue in your backyard. you can cook in your kitchen with the windows open even

though people can smell it. you can bury bodies in your backyard even though people can smell it. it is illegal to bury bodies in your own backyard. my guess is they will drop that part of it and just pass the public one like alcohol that you can't smoke alcohol or drink alcohol -- >> somebody has been hitting the bottle. >> show me a state where you can smoke alcohol. you can't. >> i have tried. >> bill, are you worried if this bill passes there would be similar laws that would make it illegal for you to smell as bad as you do? you smell awful. >> yes, it is true. >> you don't have to bring it home with the visual. >> in chicago we have the stack yards until the 1950s. as a result we have a lot of money from the killing of cows. you know what chicago smells like? dead cows. that's the pice you pay. >> pice? >> it is a chicago euphemism.

denver smelled like weed before it was legalized. there were dispense res and it permeated anywhere you went. you could snot go not go anywhere and not smell weed. now it is making money for the area. shut up and be happy. that's the price you pay. >> my theory is the worst proponents for drug de criminalization are the users themselves. imagine during prohibition if people are acting drunk and smelled of booze and throwing up, that's an argument. the problem with like hollywood stoner movies and people getting high outside is that they -- they are bad advertisement. you should be mature about the choices you make. otherwise it makes it hard for me. >> i do nothing publicly. >> i don't think you know the difference between public and private and that has been part of the problem. >> that is part of my problem. >> that's what the judge said.

>> let's move on, tele prompter. way to stay alive. from making pot legal to the chosen people. is she just pathetic or anti-sametic? it nos be another episode -- it must be another episode of -- >> last week miley cyrus complained about studio executives and sounded more aryan than con terror yen. contrarian. >> it is weird when things are targeted and yet driven by people 40 years too old. she hates everybody. it is not like a jewish man not leaving his desk telling me what the club can't hear. and one of miley's back up dancers wrote her teddy bear-themed vma performance was, quote, one of the most de dwraiding things i could ever do. let's go to milely's tour

manager for comment. >> it is amazing that you are shouting questions and you don't talk to the press. miley cyrus has no common sense. she is always high. she has a coated tongue. and now she hates the jews. she is the perfect wife. >> she may have crossed the line and now alienated the jewish billy ray cyrus fans. it is always like, and now here comes the part with the jews. >> it always goes to the views. >> there is no proof of any of that. >> i was shocked in the green room when you said i applaud miley's can dore.

candor. i was surprised. >> a girl doesn't need pants. i have to applaud that. >> if she gets up in the morning and doesn't have to put on pants and can sell records, that's a life i want to live. >> this is on purpose clearly and we are talking about her record that comes out. if we believe a girl who doesn't wear pants you are the fool. >> lincoln said that. >> i think it was lincoln. lincoln from the mod squad. >> as a jew dowdy mabd a policy -- do you demand a policy or a date? >> i would like to remain disease free. is she is probably not wrong when it comes to what club kids want to hear. remember, the music execs were the same people who couldn't figure out what people were doing to

download songs. they are not the most hip to what is going on is her music couldn't be less threatening. she thinks she is a rebel who is sticking it to the old people. they yell at their kids to turn that noise down. it is bland power pop. >> that's why it would be great for somebody to be completely wholesome looking, but do the most disgusting, death like black metal possible. >> amy schumer should start a band. >> at some point should milely just stop talking and you pass out from everything you have taken today? >> i guess that was a question. yes. >> i actually think miley cyrus is anti-sametic.

i think she made a dumb comment. i was more interested in how it was covered. page six they do half of her quote and then they go, the nashville born singer. you know, i apologize to all of tennessee for that. they had to throw that in there. you never see where she is from but the nashville born singer. we know what they think about jews, ethnicities, anything else . >> the huffington post read a headline that midit seem like she said 70-year-old industry bigwigs. i guess jewish men and industry bigwig synonymous. >> in there there were regular dancers that were embarrassed. she can't say it is because she was a little person. there are a lot of people on time square who dress as teddy bears and are embarrassed daily. you have to make a choice.

do you take a job because you know why they are giving it to you because you will play a little teddy bear and then feel bad, or not take the job and let somebody else take that job. >> is this hitting close to home? >> yes, it is. >> nor should your kind complain, greg? you start complaining about the business little people and i have three letters, cgi. all of a sudden george clooney is taking your role and throwing them right into the lullaby league. >> think about it. >> you mentioned the people who dress up in time square. there was the anti-sametic elmo. do you remember him? you don't need a license to put on a costumessed character. he was also giving a little protocol. >> he was trying to educate. >> what do you make of this? everybody in hollywood demeans themselves whether they are a large person or small person. >> there aren't many roles. i am an actress myself. you need to fit your type.

you are not go be to be cast for something you are not right for. the christmas show at rockefeller center, there are little people in that too and there are talented performers. you know what you are getting yourself into. you said yes to the job. if you want to pay your bills you can take it or leave it. >> there is a difference between -- there were roles where it is like, okay that's a little person, but it is not demeaning and look at the little person. aren't they funny? that's what she was trying to say. >> i don't know. let's table this discussion. >> sounds good. >> what does that mean? >> he says the name is full of shame. during the half time of nbc's sunday night football game between dallas and washington, bob costas weighed in on the debate over the name of the team -- the team from our nation's capital after acknowledging that the redskins' team owner and the vast majority of the people who liked the name , no disrespect for native americans and costas said that's not the point.

>> ask yourself what the equivalent would be if directed to an african-american, hispanics, asians or members of any other ethnic group. when considered that way, redskins can't possibly honor a heritage or a noble character trait and nor could it be considered a neutral term. it is an insult, a slur no matter how benign the present day intent. do you agree? >> when he asked us to think about other ethnicities, i did think about the audience. the crowds and the fans and the cheerleaders are doing a shuffle . it is ridiculous. is it a little inappropriate? i think so. should the owners think about changing the name? probably. will it hurt people if they change it? no. so it is really their call.

>> sorry, mom. >> regardless of how you feel about the name, should costas have brought it up during the game? >> i think a lot of these people who cover storts -- sports just figured out there is a team called the redskins. haven't you been covering them for a decade a? and they mention what if there is like a team -- it lets you come up with some really hilarious team names that you probably can't mention. there was a team called the new york jew boys and i have friends who would buy the merchandise like that. costas does president -- doesn't take a stand until it is established in the media. he hasn't said anything about redskins for decades. he sees that everybody else is talking about it. now i will take a brave stand.

is this a stupid topic. >> i am glad we are covering it on "red eye." look, i made it clear a bunch of times and i agree with costas, but here is the part i don't understand. how is this a political issue? that's what it is. you have conservatives who have made redskins a red line. and i don't really understand that. there are a lot of conservatives who are like, why shouldn't the name be changed? some are saying i am tired of things changing around me. make it stop. it is the same thing with the confederate flag. this is what you are choosing to make a stand on? you can't say something is a tradition like that is the reason. you can't say because it is a tradition. there are traditions that are good and should be valued and saved and there are traditions that are bad and should go away. i think this is one that should go away. i understand not everyone believes that. but i don't understand why people are -- conservatives are making a huge stand on this. >> i think it is because it

pops up every 10 years and then goes away and people are like, oh come on. and then president obama weighed in. it was political for both sides. i don't care. that's the whole thing. bill, probably the best part of the commentary was when he said, quote, regardless of how much we may disagree about the redskins' name it gives me great hope for the future of america that bill schulz sucks. >> i want to see this. i do think bob costas was brave to do this. perhaps a lot of his media cr o nies agree with him and the vast majority do not. >> he doesn't like negative feedback. especially people in his position. >> he is doing this for the media. >> he doesn't care what they think about him.

>> look at the trend. they are so disconnected from the actual fans and the players. they are more interested in the medium of the media and being liked at the cocktail party. he doesn't care about twitter. at least i don't think so. i wouldn't follow him either. we have to take a break. what is the best way for an average joe to approach a hot woman at a bar? don't even look at me you disgusting person. what is the difference between the movie "captain philips" and the real life counter part? i don't know i haven't seen the movie. i was working on my plot.

all right, they say he is closer to zero than hero. some of the real life sailing crew say captain philips is one big lie. philips is portrayed as a hero whose actions saved the crew from somali pirates, but they say philips' recklessness put all of their lives in danger. they say the captain ignored repeated warnings to stay 600 miles off the coast of somalia and didn't even look at the anti-piracy plan with one saying, quote, he didn't want to do anything with it because it wasn't his plan. and while the movie shows philips courageously allowing himself to be taken hostage it was a botched exchange that lead to the situation. you know who doesn't botch exchanges?

>> obviously a male dog. joe, why do we need to make him a hero? why not be as factual as possible. it would be a great story. you would have pirates and the military comes in and saves the day. there are heros. >> the most incredible part of the story is how he kept talking to the volleyball the whole time he was on the ship. >> different movie.>> i have noe yet. i am completely uninformed. if they were allowed to defend themselves properly they could have opened fire and blown the pirates out of the water. due to regulations they are not allowed to -- the plan has pretty much run into a safe room and hide. >> i didn't know that until i read the article. >> you have to climb into a room and lock the door. >> if they had a gun up there we wouldn't have these problems. >> do people even care if it

is a big lie? everybody knew titanic wasn't real and they saw that movie. >> do you know what i hate more than liars? >> seamen. >> expand on that of the i don't know whraw getting at. >> it is going on with the whole hollywood thing and titanic and making heros out of people who aren't. we did just celebrate columbus day. we love it as a culture. it is what we do. i say go and watch the movie and get some popcorn and go with a date. i am free. have a good time with it. that's all i have to say. >> i will go to captain philips with you and i am rooting for the pirate. >> i hate you, tom hanks. >> andy, aren't people going to see this because they want a good story even if it is one big lie much like your life is a big lie? >> sure. first of all, to answer your question, the reason captain

philips has to be the hero is his name is captain philips. otherwise it would be captain philips with an asterisk. this movie takes a lot of liberties with the truth and keeps them out of the movie and it could disrupt the hero narrative. if you watch a movie even when based on a true story and you think everything is true, that's on you. that's your fault. the film maker's responsibility is to entertain the audience. jfk is one of my top 10 favorite movies. everything is garbage, but it is brilliantly done. >> they made an -- a movie about an airport? >> yes, terminal two is where terminal four will be. >> you have to go to the left to get to terminal one. he directed the movie and he was quoted as saying movies are not journalism and movies are not history. >> then why use real people ease names.

>> that's a phony movie. >> our people think this oprah butler movie is like the story of an actual person's life. >> it is not. >> but that's not the film maker's fault. people going to movies and people go, all of that stuff happened. >> he did write a book. >> but he was -- did he lie in the book? >> he said put it in the fiction aisle. >> he was in the hobby section. >> by the way, self-help. >> there was a scene in the movie where he volunteers to be a hostage and captain philips himself says it is not true. during his book tour in 2010 he said i didn't give myself up. i was a hostage by then. the media made everything out to be me, but that is the media. he didn't mind the media saying that when he was pitching his book. it was only after he sold the book and made his money and then he said the media

shouldn't have done that. >> bill, at the end of the day and i hate using that phrase, isn't this about how awful and bad tom hanks is and nothing to do with this movie? >> finally we are getting a taste of who the real tom is. tom, i fooled everyone hanks. he is america's greatest monster. and second of all, getting back 20* philips who is with him in awfulness, i was told instead of him sacrificing himself he took the one girl on board and said take her, take a her. it was in the hopes they chased her and instead she drowned. >> that never happened. >> i think it did. >> it never happened. >> were you there? >> no. >> then you don't know it happened. >> i am disowning everything out of the merchant's mouth. >> argo is another example. argo, i enjoyed the movie and

the ending completely. the ending never happened. >> they took off. >> they wept to the airport and took off. >> you are ruining the movie for me jie. it has been out for 72 years. i think it won best actor jie. and the actor ben affleck played he used the girl to get in front of her as a human shield. >> you know in real life they never found nemo. >> what? >> there is a pattern of deception. >> for were they a woman on "boosom buddies." >> saw him naked in one episode and wasn't a good thing having sex in a shower. not me, he was. sorry about that.

>> greg was having sex with him in the shower. >> i guess we should take a break. coming up, shout, shout, let it all out. these are the things i can do without. come on. i'm talking to you. come on. not a story, just something caw view toe whispered to -- something caw -- cavuto whispered to me.

she can't give tests because we saw her breasts. a dallas school district, is there any other kind, fired a 21-year-old spanish teacher because she posed nude for playboy in 2011. according to "inside edition" she was relieved of her duties last week after parents complained their kids were ogiling her co-ed of the month on-line video. i took a look at it 47 times and i was shocked. her students rushed to her defense and the district has yet to comment on the rack attack. sounds like this is a job for -- >> lightning rooooooouuuuunnnnndd. lightning round. >> one student has started a petition to save kristi's job. isn't that self-less of him?

>> started a petition? is that what they are calling it these days? usually they get the stories of the teachers who had sex with their kids and so this is mild in comparison. you want the teacher who has sex with the kids and posed to "playboy." get the best of both worlds. >> it is wrong to have sex with kids. >> we are going to get letters. >> mr. company man over there. >> they said she was a good teacher and i don't -- at this point if anything has anything to do with education or is it the t-shirt somebody was wearing. >> but thank god for that. that is half of our stories on "red eye." the stories aren't about education. it is about a guy got sent home because he wore a t-shirt. should posing nude for a classy rag like "playboy" be an issue for dismissal. >> she did these photos before

she was hired at the school. they should have done a thorough background check if they didn't want this woman teaching the kids in the district. so she was fired after the fact. i feel bad. shame on the school and shame on them for crushing every little boy's dream. wet dream. >> is there anything about you on the internet that could affect future gigs? >> i certainly hope not. >> i hope so. >> that is not a no. i am a good researcher. >> to the fair, you heard a lot of kids are taking her classes for the articles. >> andy, at some point won't we all have naked pictures on the internet? you did that jews spread. >> yes. the thing that bothers me are sexy spanish teachers cliche. be a hot physics teacher. you are right. we have done stories like this once or twice before. i think it is enough for

them -- it is safe to say what we are dealing with is an epidemic of hot teachers who have revealing photos and videos of themselves. there is only one way to fight an epidemic. you have to embrace it. they will use them to encourage kids to stay in school and not drop out. get a learning is hot campaign. why would you drop out of school if you knew that every day you were going to go into school and have a hot teacher like that. >> learning can be a lap dance. that can be one of the slogans. >> it is like every day is a van halen video. >> bill, parents claim her presence in the classroom was distracting and you being alive was disappointing. i don't know why that was brought up. >> come on, parents. >> sitting here trying to live my life. >> i can't believe i am saying this, but mr. andrew levey is right. the reason i did it in spanish was my teacher wasn't hot enough.

i continue go to the classes. i'm sorry, but your ass wasn't doing it for me. sorry, el butto. i remembered a little bit. >> you certainly are a tribute to your education. >> i don't see the pronunciation. >> you grow up to be a creep if you didn't get enough sleep. according to a new report in the most regent journal of pediatrics, kids with the regular shut eye hours are more likely to be hyperactive and get the lower test scores. the co author says it occurs at key times and it could have important life long impacts on health. that is your opinion. this story, joe, drives me crazy. >> i tell you why. kids who have erratic sleeping behavior, that causes them to have bad behavior.

the sleep behavior is merely a marker of a lifestyle caused by bad parenting. the parents could be drunks or not around. the kid -- nobody tells the kid to go to bed. the scientists are afraid to ever make those judgment calls. they don't want to say bad parenting. it is -- they will say sir -- sircadium rhythms. >> regular bedtime is important for kids. when i dated a single mom i would say slip the kid a mickey at 7 and pick you up at 8:00. >> you are a hopeless remoney take. romantic. >> what do you make of this garbage? that's an objective question. >> i had excellent test scores growing up. i had wonderful behavior and i am overall perfect. 1k3 that's because i went to bed before the sun. again i think my parents for

that. it does go back to parenting. why would you allow that to happen with your kids? it should be a priority. as the parent you have to deal with the consequences. >> well it is an absence of parents. they don't want to say it was a broken home. >> that was a great pagent dancer. >> you say went to bed before the sun like you grew up on a commune. >> it brought in all elements. >> inclusive. >> even though the meaning of it was dark and mean. you basically told all of the young people not to go to bed and do narcotics, andy. andy x have you ever had a good night's sleep in your life and do you blame your behavioral problems on that? >> no and yes. i completely forgot what i was saying and i am not even doing a bit. >> are you a comedian now?

>> i remember now. i wanted to say shame on you. >> it was not the spinning bow tie bit? >> no, it was not a spinning bow tight bit. it was a mock outrage bit. >> a lot of these kids it may not be because their parents are bad. it is because they are working night jobs and putting food on their table and be there for their kids and be sure they can eat food and such. >> i don't think you should cast dispurse meant on it. >> i had a consistent sleeping pattern all my life and both of my parents worked the night jobs. i shot your theory to hell and there is no way to prove otherwise that i am lying. if tom hanks can make a movie based on lies and i can say my parents worked. >> i can prove that if you had a consistent bedtime all night and you turned out like you did the whole thing shouldn't be blamed on consistent

bedtimes. >> i love going to bed. >> whatever, nerd. >> i don't like consciousness. >> in the dream world i am an astronaut. >> in the dream world people stop shouting at me jie. and you are like 6 foot 4. >> that was unnecessary. >> i didn't know i was short until late 20s. every researcher agrees they would like to see you take a permanent nap in the sense that you should die as soon as possible. are there any thoughts to this? >> researchers. i am feeling like the family member who was saying bad things about me before. you heard of the express you can lead a horse to but you can't make them drink? >> no. >> kids are like horses. you can lead them to bed, but you can't make them sleep. you can be the best parent in the world, but what they do under those covers is not sleeping and it can last forever. i remember thinking to myself, if i just stay up a little longer prance tomorrow will

never come. that could havement many things. tomorrow doesn't come. i could have died. thank you, researchers. kids think that way. it is stupid, but true. >> i do that now. i will stay -- i will go to bed at 11:00, but if i close my eyes then i have to get up and have a meeting where if i just stay awake for two more hours. >> especially on a sunday night. >> the weekend is not over as long as you are awake. that's why i buy an 8 ball on sunday night. i do it all through the night and then show up at work. >> we definitely can't tell. >> i shoot pool. i have a pool table. i >>- q. you just have the one ball. >> i don't have anybody to play with. i just shoot the 8 ball. what am i talked about and what is up with these glasses dism -- glasses 1234* time to take a break. when we come back we will talk

about something, "the joy of hate." i don't know why i am taking to you at this point. amamazon.com, ought embraved copy, g gutfeld.com. buy many copies -- copies. it is christmas.

would you go the extra mile to enjoy doomsday in style? they #r* building luxury bunkers. the shelters are half the size of a basketball court. and like steve dues see at the office -- steve doocey at the christmas party they cost a lot of money. a dining nook and big screen tv and a jaw due swree. for me the game room is the jacuzzi. they tell cbs news that business is booming probably because, quote, they only error weed about nuclear attacks from russia.

now we have to worry about terrorist threats, nuclear fallout, nuclear threats from korea and china. and then he tripped on a bough huh-uh peel -- banana peel and died. is this any different from buying insurance? it is doomsday instead of a flood. >> those are nothing to do with the shelters. they are guys tired of their wives and they created a man cave. there was supposed to be canned goods. we have a playstation for the apocalypse. i could never do any of that. when i go on a long car trip, i eat my snacks. i am like a block away from the house. >> i have to stop at the bathroom. i turn around and drive back to the bathroom and i am in there for an hour. these are bigger and better than most new york apart mebts. they don't seem to be built for anybody in the city. you can't put that in your

apartment. >> no. >> it is about priority. i haven't thought about a a bunker until now. i probably won't until there is an actual threat. i have more immediate fierce like homeless people and obamacare. i have more things to worry about. >> in new york especially with homeless people. you know what, i just thought of something. say if you had a bunker, but your neighbors don't. i will ask andy this because i know your answer. stranger who looks like me bangs on the door and stranger who looks like her. you will let her in. a bunker for her is like a drink in a bar. it is free. >> i am shooting both of you. you are not coming in my bunker. it is stocked for me. you should have thought of having a bunker back before you needed a bunker.

>> please i need your help. >> all right, come in. >> i thought she was coming to my bunker. i had plenty of space. >> bill, you live in a bunker. it is an overturned refrigerator on a dirt road behind an apple bees. >> these people are great. there is no person i like more than somebody who thinks they know something everybody else doesn't. these people are interesting to me because they are not attacking your little town. if you are in manhattan, maybe i get it. but wherever you live, they don't know you exist. >> in these articles there was a community east of los angeles and the buildings and the underground bunkers. i am not sure you should build an underground survival shelter in southern california. the earth has a tendency to quake and i don't think i want to be there. >> stay right there. the last topic of the night is next. not the word next.

>> e block. last story. that's the last story. >> yeah, it was the biggest story of this or any other weekend. he is saying nay to gray.

he was cast as christian gray in the movie adeptation of the best book ever "50 shades of grey" but announce -- announced that he was leaving the film. he blamed his i'm per sigh tv schedule from the role that frankly i was born to play. the book's author says i wish charlie all the best which we know in hollywood code is i wish charlie all of the best. >> where were you when you heard the news and did it ruin your weekend? >> when i read the title of the article it said he pulled out. i was very -- i thought it was appropriate for the book. i read all of them. they are so great. i mean it doesn't ruin my day. they will find another hot guy to play christian grey and i will really enjoy the movie. >> who do you want to play him? >> it really doesn't matter since i am not playing the lead girl. at this poit -- >> joe, you are a fan of the book. who do you want to see play the dude and don't say me even

though i know -- >> i think this is the kind of situation where ted mcbeginly makes his move. >> love boat captain. >> that's right, "married with children." >> he did another season before they yank it. >> "happy days." >> andy, they say it is a mutual decision. do you buy that? >> not at all. i am glad it happened so the one person who was so meant to play the role of christian he shares a name with him. >> christian bale? >> no, minnesota vickings christian ponder. and ted mcginley, when he joins the show, the show is doomed. >> bill, in terms of replacement, i am guessing you want a raccoon because those are the only creatures who go near you at night. >> that's true because i live in a dumpster, don't you know.

>> i will tell you why he left. it wasn't scheduling. he realized it would be awful. they are going to make this r rated. first of all, this book cannot be an r-rated movie. it has to be nc-17 and no housewife will see it regardless because you are not allowed to bring vibrators into a movie theater. >> says you. >> maybe if it looks like a flashlight. >> i have ideas for charlie. luis anderson. >> why can't it be a pudgy dude. >> that's hollywood. >> why not a little person. >> what about peter -- >> sellers? >> no. >> men have been facing this problem in hollywood for years. they get older and can't get roles and put on weight and can't get roles. >> they just want young men and meanwhile the women gleet -- get the choice of the role. >> judi dench getting every role. >> billy zane anyone?

>> on that note -- it is good to end the show on billy zane. special thanks, bill schulz, andy levy, joe devito. that does it for me. i'm greg gutfeld. i will get myself some new glasses because i don't like these. they are weird. recommend it.

"the five" is next. hello, everyone. it's 5:00 in new york city. this is "the five." well, it's day 14 of the government shutdown and this week brings yet another deadline. the one over the debt ceiling. the president is talking about a potential default and he's blaming republicans. >> not only is it untenable for us to continue this shootdown, this week, if we don't start making some real progress both in the house and the senate and if republicans aren't willing to set aside some of theirpa