thank you for being with us. see you tomorrow might right here at 7 p.m. eastern. good night from washington. bill o'reilly is next. tonight on "red eye." >> coming up on "red eye" is the government considering replacing ben franklin with polar bear cubs? the debate you won't want to miss. and how far ahead are the obamas in the white house ski ball league standing? >> they are way x way, way, way ahead of them. and it is ridiculous. >> and finally, ceiling fans. do they have a more sinister purpose? tips on defending yourself from these killing machines. none of these stories on "red eye" tonight. >> and now let's welcome our guests. she is so cute they have

calendars of her. she is no longer chubby. >> i am no longer chubby. >> she smells as sweet as a rose and will make you bleed if you touch her. nice wave. and he killed a man in reno to watch him die. and my biggest regret is i gave him an alibi. and his lips get more laughs than he does. writer and comedian paul mccure yow. he will be performing in west palm beach, florida may 29th through 31st. and prepare to leave disappointed. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. i have seen a lot of people like you before, but i usually have to pay admission. >> he took his strudle and said toodle. it is day one of --

>> the white house executive pastry chef has resigned. let me repeat that. i don't have to. and michelle's meddling is to blame. bill was hired by laura bush in 2007 to make his acclaimed cookie plates and the sugar sculpt tour -- sculptures. he started replacing butter with fruit puree. his heart wasn't in it. he tells the "new york times," quote, i don't want the demonized cream, sugar, butter and eggs. the first lady may think tweets are evil, and here is a tweet that michelle obama doesn't want you to see.

tells you who is the real american in this story. michelle made the pastry chef replace sugar with agave which sounds foreign to me and possibly communist. what do you make of this? he has been inspired to be a little more healthy. he wants to do that, but he doesn't want to demonize butter, fat and sugar, but he is most famous for his ginger bread house. you don't know if it is the devil on his shoulder or the angel food cake. >> nice one. didn't see that coming.

>> paul, your lips are often mistaken for sausage links which makes you an expert on food. i hate pastries. i find them sticky. you have unusual hands. i am reluctant to call them hands. >> well you have leprechaun hands. >> you can't even shake a man's hands. >> the guy who advice said can expect -- the guy who visited can expect a massive audit. saturated fats do not cause heart disease. what does cause heart disease, just leave us alone and let us have this fun. >> fats are a problem. >> not for me. i had mine removed the heart years ago. america is like -- apparently it is a fight on food

literacy. we are too literal when it comes to food. we have thousand dollar hamburgers and donuts filled with lobsters. >> i missed that one. >> lob nuts. >> they are trying to train chickens to lay -- cadbury eggs. that was interesting and i tuned out of it halfway through. pastries are not supposed to be healthy. was michelle making unreasonable demands on the chef? >> yes, she was. i don't want to eat a brown knee made with apple sauce. when i treat myself with a brown knee it is a treat and it will be fudgy and it will be gooey and delicious. >> the way you are looking at me now is awesome. >> so it shouldn't be a routine if you treat. that's why he is there, for the special events he is making the pastries. nobody will eat the gippinger -- the ginger bread white house by himself.

>> i ate myself out of one. >> that was back when your name was han swrel. >> andy, like a fruit tart you are flakey and filled with jelly. should michelle obama be impeached? >> more like patsy chef, greg. >> you removed the r. >> he is the new lee harvey oswald. he is taking the fall for rich, creamy, delicious desserts. it is ordered at the highest level of the government and carried out by the first lady of the united >> seriously, if you read the entire story it is clear that he is not leaving because he didn't like michelle obama's health initiatives. he says he is leaving because she inspired him to go out and teach the world about the relationship between food and health. >> so we had this meeting at 2:00. you could have said greg there is no store here.

>> i didn't read the story. i was doing "the five." >> don't people know? people know like okay lots of hamburgers are bad and donuts are bad. an occasional vegetable is good. do we need one more guy out there lecturing us about food? >> i can't believe i am agreeing with you. it makes a me feel dirty inside. you are right, i don't need another person to tell me something i don't already know. >> as somebody who is no longer chubby, just read your shape magazine and you will read everything you need to know. >> or give birth to of what it is that is making you chubby. that's another thing that works. >> if the russians were made of fat, our president would stand up to them. if they were made of ginger bread and venezuela was made of ginger bread we may go down there and help those people, but we won't, will we? we are more interested in our fat kids here. he has the gal to ponder basketball. it is that time of year when

your office goes crazy filling out brackets for march madness. that means it is time for a new segment called -- >> the impending impeachment of barak hussein obama. >> worked on this all day today in between various shows i might add. i hope you like it. if it is hard to read, just get up close to the tv. or better yet, just go like. >> they don't zoom here. >> our alleged president takes time away from not stoping russia from conquering the world to fill out his own bracket in the college basketball championship. here is a look at the lady hating kenyans. >> who do you have winning the national championships? >> i have michigan state going a long way.

it has been a longtime since he was 1-1. he knows how to coach. my pick, michigan state. bring it home for me. it has been awhile since i won my pool. >> it would soil the idea of impeachment. meanwhile, here is joe biden filling out his bracket. >> that wasn't joe biden. that was a strange dog. >> the world is burning and the leader of the free world is filling out his bracket. the question i wrote for "the five" earlier, how quickly can we impeach him? >> let me tell you why we better get to impeaching him quickly. the president picked michigan state to beat louisville in the finals. you have michigan and kentucky. these are two important states

a if he is going to be able to get the 22nd amendment appealed. and once he -- if he does that once he is re-elected -- sorry, re-elected there will be nothing to stop him from abolishing re-elections and achieving his dream of becoming king barak the first. we have to get on this now. if they had the [bleep] to save this great nation we wouldn't even be talking about this. >> finally we agree with you on something. are you as disgusted as i am right now if that is even possible which i doubt? >> first of all the president loves the final four so much i call him president bracket obama and i am pleased with his choice. believe it or not this bimbo went to grad school and i went to michigan state. i find that massagonistic.

that cancels out. paul, go ahead and defend your hero. >> my hand is wet from touching you earlier. i cannot on several levels. it is nice to see you can relax after fixing the economy and health care and crimea. >> you turned it around! >> i am waiting for joe biden to make his picks on how i met your mother. do they have nothing better to do there? >> he seems too relaxed. he is tense about things. you said earlier you don't think it is a big deal that the president filled out a march madness bracket. i don't really have a question here. i just want you to know this is the last time you will be appearing on the show. >> i did say that. i understand this is a theme. my march madness is shopping

for spring clothing. >> you are such a girl. >> i am. >> this would be a streef -- stress reliever. it is a great way to relax and have fun with your friends. however, he needs to relax. don't publicize it when we have all of this other stuff going on. it is in bad taste. >> it really is in bad taste. >> it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. don't publicize it unless you pick michigan state. >> he nailed this down, but he can't nail one down for afghanistan. >> you are a topical solution. >> i would like to make an interesting point that is more per accept tiff than anything said here in the last five years. president obama is like that relaxed c student who knows exactly what to do to get by. i am jealous because he seems like a person who knows exactly where to be.

he says it is going to be okay. that's what drives me crazy. he never seems that upset about anything and it is not fair. i am a inure -- gnaw -- neurotic weird owe. >> he just seems like the kind that will be retired and rich. >> i thought you said in two years he would be king. which one is it? >> it depends. it all depends on whether or not we impeach him. >> the barak hussein institute will be a veiled kingdom. >> that's my point. it is exactly what you need to do. >> his wife makes him eat broccoli. he is a miserable human being. >> you are a miserable human being. >> you have to deep fry it. >> i just hope the topic of his brackets come up on, i think, tomorrow when he gets the hard-hitting questions from ellen. >> they will be invading alaska on there. is it good for our thighs if food prices rise?

the washington journal says meat and dairy got more expensive thanks to tight cattle supplies. after years of drought in states such as texas and california and according to government data the price ropes for fruits -- the prices are up for fruits and vegetables and beverages. maybe we are looking at it the wrong way consider us the average american consumer, couch bound, overweight and economically required fat is the best thing that could happen to us. drink some water and call it a blueprint cleanse. for more let's go live to these cats. >> that's perverse. people have the strangest fetishes. >> those cats look delicious. >> joanne, you are currently

on a wine only diet. has the rising price of grapes sobered you up? >> it has been difficult, but when you buy wine in bulk that offsets any issues. >> she is in her studio and has built up her own room. >> when you take the bag out l% the box you can recycle the box. >> it is unfortunate because now people have to choose between their health and their budget. this isn't like a snicker's bar. it is milk. it is beef. and then they are telling us we need to have organic milk. that stuff is even more expensive. maybe just the blueprint cleanse is our only option now. i don't know. >> i find this to be very disturbing, paul. much like your b bull bus

lips. he says it doesn't affect him. everything is more expensive because we have all of these fat people, but there are people who aren't fat and don't have any money. >> he is saying don't look at that as a jutting rib bone. look at it as definition. the reality that nothing is going to change. the stuff is unhealthy. they are not going to stop serving their foods and drop the prices to people so they can eat healthy. they will put worse ingredients in the food. now the meat will be stuff that was kind of around the cow or near the cow. qloing it changes anything. i don't think it changes anything. it makes it less healthy. i don't think it changes anything. it makes poor people eat worse food. >> i agree with you. jill, you hate the pool, so

you probably agree with this guy. you know what, who cares? i'm okay. i can afford this stuff. who carries if they can't? the elitist left wing pinko. >> i have been hearing this for a longtime. a very famous man wrote a column saying you should drink water. you will save money. i have been hearing this for a longtime. it is true. we save money if we don't spend money on things like food. >> >> you have to find a balance. >> you can use this as an epidemic. there san epidemic of dissintery. >> this is a reminder that for a lot of aggressives they love telling the poor what is good for them. the best part was whether a gawker commenter pointed out whether the healthy stuff was

going up. he said we should tax meat to support vegetables. a legitimately good idea. by the way, who ever pitched this story i loathe. i was forced to read gawker which i don't do because it is the worst website out there. >> you haven't been to paul mccurio.com. >> you need to worry about fructose and corn syrup going up. if that goes up there is going to be nothing to eat. just water. >> we discussed joanne's new book, every day is st. patrick's day because i am a terrible drunk. they are filled with white trash. well, we have mccurio on tonight.

>> the quality of tv has been going up significantly in the past decade with hit shows like trudy -- true detective and sons of anarchy and true blood. what do they have in common? they are centered around for -- around poor, white communities and met for rickly calling it, white crash. it is the -- white trash. he says it has allowed red states to be seen in a humanizing lies and it confirms the stereo types. let's look at this scene from the finale of true de trect tiff. true detective. spoiler alert.

>> that was a big let down for somebody who was watching the series. >> the dog was running in a flat serk kill. people who watch that will get that joke. >> all five people that will get that joke. >> millions and millions of people watch that show. some of us have tv's. >> have i to plug in that thing. paul, you were in the deliverance remake where your lips played the raft. >> i had to uh -- uh diecious four times. >> they are like do we even want a raft? >> he said sit on the couch and do something. >> are these actual stair row types, or are they making these characters just interesting with the cultural picks? >> it is a combination of both. they are white trash or as i like to call them mistakes. >> you are a racist. >> do you really want to watch

shows about middle class america? 13 episodes of a guy going running and then coming am and filling out a census report? >> i would like to commend you on calling the south a mistake. >> i didn't say the south. i said white trash. >> you are close to a lot of southern cities. >> i said white trash. >> there is white trash in rhode island where i am from. >> by the way, west palm may 29th through the 31st. >> we can do the party. >> why are we seeing this trend? you are entertainment reporter. >> so is there a question here? >> i think the article makes a a point that is interesting. it is a way of looking at the red states and maybe this is how hollywood looks at the red

states. it is spreading this idea that everyone from middle america is an idiot and dirty and -- >> my exception is i justified there is one or two stupid southerners. everybody there is a different -- has a different iq. i don't see it as a stereo type, andy, but maybe i'm wrong. >> i think maybe you are not. >> excellent. >> but maybe you are. >> could i be right? >> you also might be right. but at the same time wrong. >> and crazy. >> what this is is safe. if the bad guys are white no one will complain. and i don't blame the writers for this. i believe it is an artist's job above all to make sure he or she is not offending anyone or any particular group.

if what you created offends somebody it is not art. you have to play it safe and you have to make the white person stupid and in bred. >> and then call them a mistake. >> you know, there is a mim me me -- miami, what a is it called? >> "miami vice"? >> no, shut up. jay "-- >> "golden girls"? >> "real housewives of miami"? >> you have money columbians and cubans. people don't get upset about that. why is it all of a sudden an outrage this is white trash people being picked on by hollywood? >> i get a little of what you are saying. the environment acts as a cat tau lisk for the internal conflict of the character -- charkt interprets. it is like it is a character in itself. i have not seen any of these

shows because i am watching "real housewives." >> it is the environment. when you see angel heart by martin scorsese. >> but i don't think they are in hollywood going let's make fun of the south. let's have seven shows ordered to do that. you can say different people are being picked on and rid -- ridiculed or insulted. >> a lot of those are justified. "true detective." >> i can't believe you put "true blood." the first one was okay and then is sucked. >> those are actually fully realized characters that are strong. >> there are stereo types in someway. >> explain yourself.

>> they are russians. >> do they speak russian? >> they like russian children. >> the one episode they were eating caviar and drinking shod shod -- vodka. >> coming up, i am tired of you. the c block is sponsored by the b block. it is the block we just finished. thanks, b block. thanks, greg. i enjoyed the time we spent together i wanted to make sure the show kept going. well that's so nice. i enjoyed our time together too. can we do it again, greg? i wouldn't miss it. wow, how needy. lyndsay lohan is a hor -- able

forgettable person.

they added more trips to the list. it is day 1 billion and three of of -- last week in touch

magazine published a list of lyndsay lohan's famous former lovers. they are spreading out the revelations so we keep talking about it. the new issue uncovers several more celebrities. among them orlando bloom. he has a beautiful name, ashton kutcher, ryan phillipe, benicio del torro. she allege lead left the -- allegedly left the list at a hotel last year. that is like me saying i accidentally fell on that gi joe doll. i bet half of those guys were calling her a train wreck be -- behind her back and then still jumped into bed with her. isn't that wrong? >> yes. and do you theng oprah is shaking her head in disgust right now? i am trying to help you get it together. >> or, lohan! i'm jealous. >> there are good looking guys on that list.

make no bones about it, i'm straight. i like my women. but have you seen orlando bloom? i lost track of your answer. did you answer? >> whatever the question was i said yes. >> i will put an em fat tech -- an emphatic yes. >> what does it say if you are the only one guy that turned her down. >> she wants -- there is a word out there that she is trying to get a book deal. this gets the publishers enticed . there is a real conversation out there that she is indeed trying to get herself a book. i have sources that tell me the state of california versus lyndsay lohan and collects transcripts. i am breaking the news right here. >> joanne, you date eds

benicio del toro in the 90s. at what point did you realize he was not good looking? >> when i realized i could walk. the really weird thing to me about this whole story is i have not found a response from her or her camp at all. so that either means this is true or this is not true. >> wow. >> i don't know what the motive would be either way to say something or not say something. who is careless enough to specifically write down every person and then leave it behind? >> lyndsay lohan. >> none of these guys have said anything. some were even married. ashton was with demi moore. before that she was like 14. what is she 45?

>> 47. >> kathleen turner will play her. >> who are the four that are blurred out and are we going to be discussing you in this segment next week? >> not me, no. i don't know why jill didn't break this news, but i did some digging. the four names are tom cruise, john travolta, kevin specey and sir ian mckellen. i guess that will come out officially next week. >> that is going to be -- i guess it is no surprise. those guys are 5 randy hetero bunch of he-males. i think it was all at the same time. i don't even know if her clothes came off. something happened. a lot of people are piling on

lyndsay. shy gets to sleep with good looking people when ever she liked. people are crazy. >> this getting out now could rock several hollywood relationships to the core. be prepared for that, hollywood. >> it is a sex quake. >> get ready to rock. >> there could be more divorces. >> we could see celebrities getting divorced for the first time. >> it is a 9.3 on theyy -- on the erector scale. next topic. 140 we beware reof a bloated dictionary? the oxford dictionary announced the addition of 900 new words. that's like 900 words. some first timers include bestie, beat boxer, bathroom break, crapshoot and honey trap when a woman traps a man into telling him information and my favorite shorty robe: just missing the cut was

mccurioing which is when a comedian bombs at a comedy club. >> i need some wine. >> that was mean spirited and accurate? do they leave out any words? >> i am not sure they left out anything. the idea is that this is to record it for historical purposes. they have a bathroom break. we pee a lot and we are nutso and we like to make acapella hip hop music with our mouth. >> think about how great that would be. it is four times a year which is more times than you have gotten laughs on this show. is it necessary to have that many words? >> it is not the amount, but sbt this the -- isn't this the oxford dictionary?

words like do over and besties will now be taking their rightful place. is this for people who found texting re-do and texting difficult? it is the quality of the words. >> it is not cool, man. >> shut up, old man. >> joanne, they had a lot of vulgar stuff. what is wrong with this culture? >> a lot of things. mainly our dirty mouths. >> i really hope these avid scrap pell -- scrabble players are not offended and just don't look it up. the boards will be littered with the words children hospital see. my mother is one of these people actual 3.

actually. she is well informed she needs to look up new words. >> andy, last word to you, you were hype man in the 80s. guy i was -- >> i was. >> why did it take so long to add beat boxer? >> yeah, staying on top of the culture. they didn't add hype man. i am a little annoyed at that. i am glad they added bathroom break. that's something i -- you might have to look up because you don't know what it is. bathroom is one thing, but bathroom break, you need to learn that. >> that's what you have on a mobile bathroom. >> foreigners shouldn't be using dictionaries. >> or bathrooms. >> use the language or get out of the country. >> or trying to figure out what is the next thing to say called gutfeld-ian.

my book has been out for two days. it is out of 600 million. if you order it right now you will get me the number one and you should do that because look what i have been doing for seven years. i am going to be coming to a lot of cities. 31 cities and 11 days. stop by and meet me. i would love to talk to you at length about how much i would love to talk to paul mccurio.

has the gop turned hip or

is it just a blip? that's the subject of tonight's "red eye" debate, 2014, live from the" red eye" debate center. >> welcome to tonight's "red eye" debate center in macon, george george. glad you are all here. seeing some people and some recognizable faces. tonight's topic, can the gop win over hipsters with an eye to the next presidential election? they are going after young people in tortoise shell glasses. a new ad campaign features a guy named scott, my favorite kind. he has a leather jacket and he is republican. >> i shouldn't have to check my bank account before i fill up my car. so much of my paycheck goes to gas and we haven't talked about my heating bill at home. when it comes to the energy policy i am for solar, wind, shale gas, whatever.

i am a republican. >> that was neat. can we see another? >> i feel pretty lucky to have a job. so many people i know are unemployed and it is like their lives are in neutral. i get ticked off when politicians want to vote for regulations that don't don't let you employ anyone. i am a republican because my friends need a paycheck and not an empty promise. >> from my perspective he was looking at a jill. >> he was the opposite of one of those paintings. >> it was michelle bachman. >> all of the videos are like that. >> no? >> let's go around the table. back where i'm from in the table factory -- is this the

right idea or the right idea? >> i get what they are saying and they are saying words that don't make any sense. i guess they are using real people. real people who can't act at all and didn't memorize the script and looking off camera at the cue card with no emotion. it doesn't help make the cause very well. >> interesting. what are your thoughts? >> when i think of innovated and forward thinking people i want to hang out with people at a rally at urban outfitters. are these the people -- these are the people you find at record stores and typewriter repair shops. they are not exactly 2014 thinkers. i think it is a mistake. and they are cold. there is a coldness to them. >> who are you even talking about?

>> hipsters. >> i understood the whole time. >> joanne, you are a young person. do you feel your opinions are well represented in these videos? >> sort of. like you said, i agree with the script of what they are saying. young people should be focusing on the points. the delivery, you need to know your audience. it needs to be funny or something. us young people love the funny. we also love cool, like celebrities. preaching at someone is not cool. you lead by action and not just speech. you can't really throw a campaign without saying stuff. >> you need bad asses and not beta males. that should have been a guy like an athlete or a male

stripper. >> all of those people, the military guys and the athletes and male strippers, they are voting republican. this is out reach. you are going for the people who don't vote republican. there is is a black woman, asian woman, latino woman. it will be a long road. let it start here. young people like the funny. that's why if you go to a mccurio show, the average age is 67. >> maybe make them a little funny jie. are you so excited about that. >> i am because i am tired. i am glad andy picked up the slack. we need one insult per segment or it is not a "red eye" show. >> i look very professional tonight. >> you do. do you have a a video of your animal? go to fox news.com/red eye and submit a video. we may use it. coming up, something paul understands as a serial your

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daab's show. a new "red eye" will return tomorrow. >> e block. last story.

that's the last story. >> all right. their sketch is a stretch. police in gainesville, florida are looking for a man accused of repeatedly peeing on the woman. the perp has targeted six females near the university campus. he has a head and eyeballs and a nose and mouth. i think they really captured 9 9 -- cap toured the guy's essence. if you ever committed a crime the sketch artist would draw two lips and sad owl eyes. >> the eyes would have been gasped out by me. >> first of all that sketch i think it was computer generated and they hit a button that says random black guy. they made no effort to give him specificity. >> that was the template. >> he kay he he -- okay he was

black. move on. >> just have a lineup and make people stand in front of the lineup for a longtime. eventually he will show up. >> why can't any of the victims give a good description? >> >> it would be a little distracting and confusing. what is that puddle and what is happening? >> urinate while mugging someone. did you ever think of that? >> urinate while mugging someone. >> i would be so terrified i would pee myself. you know when you draw a person on your thumb? so i would do that and i would go on -- no. >> it could be bruno mars. i think there is a possibility that is bruno mars. >> no. well maybe. he doesn't wear hoodies.

>> he would wear the expensive ones. you are relying on people's memories. i have worked with andy for seven years. if i had to draw andy or tell somebody, like if andy stole my car. it is andy levy and we don't have a picture. i would sit and draw like a round -- you would draw a cat. >> this is what i would draw. >> can we stop calling him a serial urinater. >> i would say have you seen this man? he has sad pool eyes and he never smiles. >> that's pretty good. >> they are leak brothers. they are like brothers. i think we are over. >> can i say, the great thing about america when they catch this guy he will be tried by a jury of his peers. now we can go. >> i like that.

>> now that's a joke. >> west palm beach improve. >> oh it is improve? >> i have to go, what am i doing? the show is falling apart. jill, andy, joanne. out for you

breaking tonight on the other side of the globe right now, the sun is up and crews are back on the hunt for the missing malaysian airliner. following what is called the best lead so far. i'm megyn kelly, far from the plane's last known location and more than a thousand miles off the western coast of australia in some of the roughest seas in the world, teams are trying to find a needle in the hay stack after debris from the missing jet possibly was spot d by satellite several days ago. this area was close to one of the corridors where authorities say the plane may have gon