tonight on "red eye" -- coming up on "red eye," will cats ever catch the red dot or should they just give up? our panel debates what some call an exercise in feline futility. plus, vice president biden's update on his effort to build the world's largest bouncy cassle in the twhous bawhite ho basement. >> it's been a long struggle, and there's so much left to do. >> and finally, is soccer any less boring when robots play it? we'll tackle the question the lame stream media is too afraid to ask. none of these stories on "red eye" tonight. >> now let's welcome our guests.

she's so hot that birds fly to her in the wintertime. she's dagan mcdowell. tharpgs for coming. she confirms it did hurt when she did fall from heaven. but feels better knowing that earth now has an angel. that's a psychotic laugh when nothing is funny. when you laugh and there's no joke, that's a sign of psychosis. and he would like to take this opportunity to reremind you that if you tweet him about his cats, he will block you. hard to believe his follower account has stopped going up. it's tv's andy leavy. so true. and he was once fired for washing his t-shirt in the deep friar at panda express. you can see him on comedy central may 31.

>> that's nice. making them squeal is her appeal. 2016 is still ten years away, but that's not stopping us from endorsing joanie ernst for president, of the world. she just released this amazing ad. >> i'm joanie ernst. i grew up castrating hogs on an iowa farm. so when i get to washington, i'll know how to cut pork. >> mother, soldier, conservative. >> my parents taught us to live within our means. it's time to force washington to do the same. to cut wasteful spending, repeal obamacare, and balance the budget. i'm joanie ernst, and i approve this message, because washington is full of big spenders.

let's make them squeal. >> that is amazing. joni is one of five republicans hoping to win back the iowa gop seat. the other four are -- who cares? who else is going after crotches? this puppy. >> be careful. that is very painful. not that i would know. i used to walk like that a lot when i was a child. okay, dagan, first time on the show, this is your first "red eye" question. so i don't want you to get stressed out. this is your first campaign ad ever. this is awesome. i think this could be something big. >> i don't know. i don't have a scrotum and it made me uncomfortable. i love the political tactic of

scaring you know what out of men to get them to vote for you. it could work. >> jessie, does it excite you to know that she might make other men as incomplete as you are? >> it does. it's upsetting. what she said, to make them squeal like a pig. i think a lesser candidate for senator wouldn't have been able to wedge in a quote from the [ bleep ]. but joni can. >> we'll have to bleep that out, but people will know what you're talking about. it's a b word and it's not banjo playing. which also has a great scene by the way. joanne, what i like about her is she's colder -- in fact, colder than you are.

she talks about castrating with such ease. she reminds me a lot of you. >> she gets it. we don't want to be equal, to men, we want to be better than them. so we want to stand over them and look down as they bleed to death. she gets me. the beginning of this video looks like one of those "snl" commercials. >> are we sure this is real? this is real, right? i love her. andy, she has -- when she talks about castration, it's with the chilling ease of hannibal lector. were you turned on or really turned on? >> i don't have a scrotum and this commercial really frig

frightenned me. >> she's into hard work and pigs shouldn't have must haffens. >> that's only two of my beliefs. >> they're taking away -- >> muffens. >> for all her talk about pulling back pork -- >> it's a great commercial. nobody cares who the other four republican candidates are. it's a great commercial and probably the best "snl" digital short i've seen in a while. >> and she sure has a pretty mouth. >> she's a veteran.

i didn't look at her plank, but we need scary people in office. we have people who want to be liked. i want somebody who doesn't want to be liked. >> there are towns in iowa, one town every february they have what they call the original testicle festival. according to one guy, the secret to a tender testicle, the younger they are the better they are. it's called facts, greg. >> this is real quick. i didn't really research this, but there's an iowa state stater named jim hog. i think this was is double entundra. >> would you avoid working for a droid? that's the subject for

tonight's -- >> "red eye" debate 2014, live from the "red eye" debate center. >> welcome to tonight's "red eye" debate live from the "red eye" debate center. i'm greg gutfeld. when you want to race something, make sure it's a kenners sfp racer. tonight's debate, would you take orders from a robot boss? a study out of canada asked humans to complete tasks given to them by a supervisor. some tasks were fun, some were boring. either way, the subject would do them 86% of the time if a human boss asked them to do it. but if it was a robot, it fell to 46%. we'll talk to our panel about this right after a quick word from our sponsor. >> here it comes. the hall of power. now when you pull that, it gives

you action. crash them. smash them. new sfps super stocker, king cobra. now with sonic sound. >> i'll tell you how awkward that is going to the er room with that sound coming out of your pants. >> wasn't that your first car? >> yes, it was. >> those slide things the hurt. dagan, it seems like humans may be guilty of robot discrimination. as a woman, does this remind you of anything? >> the first five men i ever slept with, yes. or 10, or 20. i lost count. speaking of humans like robots, i work for robots, like editors, the loser who sits next to you in the cube. but if it's like cp30, i would

be cool with that. >> jessie, you've been a foot locker striper for 13 years. >> 13 great years. >> and you're moving up slowly. can you manage a robot manager telling you to grab a size 13 nikes from the back? >> absolutely. i don't work at the foot locker in tk. -- tokyo. >> it made me think of you immediately. how would you feel taking orders from an enormous two foot tall robot? >> that's hurtful. and i'm going away for a week and i'm going to leave with a sour taste in my mouth. andy, most people don't listen to you, but at least the robot got 46%.

that's 46% more than you, since nobody listens to you. >> we need to stop using the term, robot. it is racist. cyber person or synthetic american. having said that, there is no way that i would take orders from an oil eating, talking toaster son of a mother board skin job. that's not the way the world was meant to work. maybe it's different for you big city folk. >> joanne, i think i'm -- i think you would be comfortable with this, because you're soulless as a robot. >> i don't have many feelings. so that kind of, you know, i don't have to deal with other people's feelings either. it makes that whole like, how is your day going? you can cut the chitchat. >> no small talk with a robot in an elevator. what are you going to talk about? so, how's your wheel? you don't say how's your wheel?

>> the only thing i would be nervous about is what is the incentive to work hard to become a boss? don't you want to work your way up the ladder to get better jobs? robots should be the entry level jobs. >> what you're saying is robots are taking our big jobs. but you're endorsing a robot ceiling, which i'm against. coming from a woman, who shouldn't even be working, i find that offensive. >> the thing i don't like about robots is you can never tell from their face if they're joking or not. >> andy's like that. >> thank you. >> i think they've watched me long enough to get the joke. >> andy's last talking point sounded like it was written by tennessee williams.

>> all right. is wearing white face beyond the pale? nick cannon has gone caucasian to promote his new album. which makes us wonder -- >> is this racist? >> welcome to the latest edition of "is this racist? ," actor, rapper and mariah carry marrier, nick cannon has a new album out. and he's adopted a persona that's whiter than andy's ankles. the caption reads, it's official, i'm white. dude, go get it. hash tag fist pumping.

hash tag cream cheese eating. someone likes the stereotype. cannon also posted a video on instagram apologizing for this offensive joke. >> conner small, that's the name, bro. >> that was no apology. if anything, it made it worse. you know who doesn't see skin color? conehead dog. >> he's like a lawn mower. >> andy, i don't know. >> i don't know either, man. >> it's a jewish dog. >> is it a jewish dog? >> i don't know. >> you are the worst antisemite ever. >> i'm very lazy at it. as the only black person on the panel, andy, what do you make of snit >> eddie murphy did it much

better in the '80s and the wayans did this much worse with "white chicks." why are we even talking about this? >> we didn't have time to write that one up, and i think you can lead with it tomorrow, andy. >> good credit, black people can't have good credit? >> i guess that's what he's saying. jessie, on a scale of 1 to 10 -- just go ahead and answer. >> tgi friday or some [ bleep ]. that infur yates me every time black comics do that. d.l. hughley did that once, where i can't catch a cab. when is the last time you took a cab? he's like, i can't afford to live in your neighborhood. it's like, you live in a gated

community. it's infuriating. is anybody really offended? >> shaun white, because that's what he looks like. >> he does look like shaun white. >> i thought he looked like lisa kudrow. but everybody looks like lisa kudrow to me. i have a weird thing where i put her face on everybody i know. >> chappell used to do it all the time and it was hilarious when chappell did it. >> chappell did it with the blind guy? >> it was like a news caster thing. >> i'm just saying nobody is offended by it. people are offended on principle. if they can, then we can. does anyone care? >> is it going to stop you from

buying his album? >> absolutely. but i have a hefty collection of them. this is edgy for him. he was on "america's got talent" sucking on the teet of mariah carry. >> i loved him in "drumline." >> i didn't see it. rarely anything that he's been in. this is the best thing that's happened in his career. he's now making a name for himself outside of his wife. i was just curious what white people party music sounds like. >> isn't it black people party music? >> yeah, we just listen to every color music. >> john denver. >> he's been dead for over 30 years. >> if you want to hear what white people party music sounds

like, buy nick cannon's new album. >> just get out of the apartment. we're worries about you. we find you passed out on the floor, the oven is going. >> i like to keep it warm, it's cold in my apartment. >> why the note? seriously. i'm tired of getting that e-mail. >> cruel is not spelled with a k. all right, coming up, what's the latest diet craze sweeping the nation? is the government planning on texting obese people in order to get them healthy? -- huffing paint thinner all evening. evening. i don't know oh! the name your price tool! you tell them how much you want to pay, and they help you find a policy that fits your budget. i told you to wear something comfortable! this is a polyester blend!

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your flab. the they'll keep a tab on your flab. the federal government could be getting more involved in the lives of obese people by regularly sending them text messages. that's one of many ideas to come out of a hearing of the federal dietary advisory committee, or djac. the committee, which meets every five years, is made up of 15 academics, to make recommendations to help people choose a healthy diet that works for them. one of the committee's more controversial suggestions, fat belts for overweight guinea pigs. that's a furry barbell. all right, dagan, sending fat people text messages, are they

going to really enjoy being told that they're fat? >> the fatter the nation gets, the more acceptable it is to be wildly overweight. so you can send text messages, it's not going to help. my dad famously told me when he saw me eating craft singles, instead of putting them in your mouth, put them on your thighs. because that's where they're going any way. >> jesse, so there's a war on the obese. but chubby people keep you employed at sabarro's. >> you had that built in to make fun of me. >> i wrote it just now. which is why it was kind of lame. >> whatever. i don't have anything to say about this.

texting? it's what teenagers do. >> what's up, fatty, still fat? >> you know what they should they should be sexting instead of texting and send pictures of very large people to you. >> and say what, this person wants to have sex with you? >> that's as far as i went, but i think i put a little more thought into this than they did. they've so far spent $3 million developing this idea. that's fascinating. where does that money actually go, to develop the idea to text? who gets that money? >> you can text hot people and say, you will never get laid by this man or woman if you're the size you are right now. >> they're never going to tell them -- they're going to do things like, did you have enough broccoli? did you get your six glasses of water? they'll never say, when i first started here at "red eye," i was

overweight. you know who got me to lose weight? the viewers, who were constantly calling me a fat, disgusting pig. >> now you're just a disgusting pig. >> i'm fat, time to spot. >> do you think i'm going to go, you're right, i do work at sabarro's? >> i was hoping you would change your wardrobe like maybe once. >> i'm dressed like a bad guy in an upcoming "back to the future" movie. >> it looks like those were the clothes stolen by john conner in the last "terminator." andy, i asked you a question. >> the text messaging is part of a voluntary program. but is it a stretch to say that the same government that now

controls health care will some day make us wear monitors to check our body masses? i think not. will they be texting your about your weight? i think not. wake up, sheeple. >> way to bring up the chem trail controversy. >> are you trying to win a tony tonight? your performance is amazing. >> no one can win a tony. >> neil patrick harris can. >> all right, coming up, the c block. tonight's c block is sponsored by sidekicks, the completely honest people who have been given the power of esp, allowing them to see into the future and get interviewed on cnn. thanks, psychics. you're welcome, greg. as you know, i can see the past,

present and future. so i know how this show ends. the "tonight" show sputters out at the end. >> i said no spoilers. >> will it help if i tell you it's all jesse's fault? >> it sure will. thanks, psychics. >> you're welcome, greg. >> that was long. i'm out of breath. does being drunk make you funnier? not if you're driving. don't drive drunk, people. it's bad and stuff. [ water splashing ] [ woman ] ahh. [ female announcer ] brit, juicy white grapefruit, infused with herbaous, fresh mint. new herbal essences naked shampoo. no silicone, parabens, or dyes. [ wind whispering ] there's nothing to hide. bare your softest hair with new herbal essences naked collection. [ woman ] ahh. even the ends of my hair are tingling. ♪ [ female announcer ] let your hair get naked.

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♪ ♪ ♪

does the way you dance give you a chance? a group of european evolutionary biologists claim to have discovered which dance movements catch a woman's eye. the study came out in 2010 but -- >> it's new to us. >> we're a little behind. the researchers found the best male dancers use larger, more variable movements of the head, neck and torso. this is arousing i might add. exactly what i dream about. also important, lots of fast leg movement. women consider this to be an example of a bad dancer. researchers suggest that men's dance moves matter because they could carry "honest signals of traits such as health, fitness, genetic quality." this man's obviously got a mental issue. i think there's only one good

way to dance personally. ♪ >> i filmed that at my bachelor party. dagan, you're a woman, or so you claim. how key are dance moves? did you like the first one or the second one you saw? do you agree with their findings? >> clearly, i really dig men who don't have testicles. that's what i'm going for. if you want to get a girl, you shouldn't even dance until you've been married five years, because it's never going to work

out, unless you're bruno mars. >> i kind of agree with you. jesse, when you're as tall as gangly as you, dance moves don't matter because it's impossible to look good. it's like when blades come off of a helicopter. >> that's a very accurate description. a couple vietnamese people die every time. any way, look, i don't believe this is true. if women were genuinely attracted to like monochromatic characters that were hairless, like the blueman group would be the hottest ones in the world and nobody ever says that. >> they're very overrated by the way. joanne, are you buying this angle that you would rather reproduce with someone who is a good dancer, is that what you look for? >> i would, definitely. what happened to like fred astaire and gene kelly? >> they died.

>> but they lived long lives, they were dancers. >> that's true, they did. even john travolta from "saturday night fever," i love all the dancing. >> you should date him, because you have such a keen eye for really strong hetero men. >> okay, let's make this happen. >> i think i know his agent. i'll make a phone call. he'll be really pleased to meet you. >> "staying alive" is a great movie. it's better than the original. but then again, i have no real memory of it. anyone who saw channing tatum dance wanted to sleep with him, including you. >> i'm not going to argue with that. but you don't remember the study from four years ago, because i

was always proud that it was my avatars dancing that was rated the highest by the women. it hurts my feelings a little bit that you just wiped that out of your mind. >> i try to forget things that involve you. dancing makes no sense unless you're alone and wasted in front of a mirror, like the guy in "silence of the lambs." >> the guy in the second video wasn't even dancing. >> the saddest thing is you have to wear lips to play stuart varny. >> next up, the w hotel in new york is offering a marriage consear to tweet your wedding. they promise to avoid trashing

wedding self-ys while still making you look like a [ bleep ]. jessie, you worked as an oversized tux model for years. you must have seen a lot of stressed brides and grooms, so do they need this service? >> listen, who the hell -- if nobody gives a [ bleep ] about looking at your dumb wedding tweets. the only people that would care to read about your wedding are going to be sitting there watching this thing happen. >> it's for the person that dumped you. that's what it's for. maybe jerome will see that i'm married and then he'll run and it will be too late. >> i'm for this, if the person doing the tweeting is taking like video of the bride being a

[ bleep ] to the bridesmaids and the husband ogling like the maid of honor's jugs. and then the drunk bridesmaid pulling her skirt up to relieve herself on the golf course, or not. >> i've been going to the wrong weddings. >> when you think about it, you're probably not invited to my weddings at all. could this be a part-time job for you? >> it's good to invite me to weddings, because it's just me. there's one part that i like, that this person will make sure all the guests are using the correct wedding hash tags, because a media person who i won't name got married and a bunch of other media people were at the wedding. so naturally all they did is tweet about it. but they mostly were using the hash tags, so i was able to mute it and i didn't have to see

them. >> who got married? >> an unnamed media person. but it was disgusting to watch these media people tweet at this wedding. >> joanne, as someone who will never know the joy of marriage, this means nothing to you? >> not now. it might later. this is a great job for the girl that really wants to be in your wedding party but you don't want her there. so you save the $3,000, give her this special job of being in charge of the social media. >> ensuring that she's going to take a video of the bride being a [ bleep ] to the brides maid. >> i remember i was at a wedding, this is how old i am, they had the disposable cameras.

one guy, there's always the one guy that picks up the cameras and goes to the bathroom and takes a picture of his genitals and puts it back on the table. >> that's an amateur move. i used to take people's cell phone and take a picture and set it as their wallpaper. that's a professional. >> why didn't weiner use that as an excuse, that it was a buddy of his doing this? that would have saved his life? >> because deep down he's proud of it. >> that's true. kind of sad. >> andy's plea to be invited to a wedding sounds like it should believe the title to his autobiography, "it's just me." >> i'll take the salmon. >> i will never take the salmon. >> that's why you're alone.

>> do you want me to help clean up? because you don't want to go home. >> i'm an excellent wedding guest. >> time to take a break. my book is now available. look at that t-shirt. it looks scary and it comes in black, 100% cotton. yes. my face is on the front, the tour schedule is on the back. it runs small through extra larges. you can find it at premierecollectibles.com. here's a look at the tour. -- a? okay? good.

test >> test >> test >> test >> test

well, it has been named best book ever by the it's been named best book over. yes, i wrote a book, stuff the lame stream media doesn't want you to hear. like words and other words. and for this segment i thought who is the person most worthy to interview me? and i decided it was me. without further ado, take it away, me. first off, i want to thank you for agreeing to to this interview with me. would you prefer i call you greg or mr. gutfeld? >> mr. gutfeld is fine, thank you. >> thanks. mr. gutfeld it is then. you look great. what are you doing, free weights, aerobics? >> thanks for noticing. i do ab work and 45 minutes on the stair climber, 20 minutes of weight. i also watch what i eat. i am glad you noticed, greg.

i work hard at it. >> fantastic. why did you write this book? you're such a busy man with so many commitments and charity work with the children and your disturbing work with animals, which a lot of people find repulsive, yet you still continue to do that. why this work and why now? >> i noticed a trend that the most destructive things in life are done to be cool. so it's no reason people ruin their lives when they want to be cool. it's sad but true and i'm here to stop it. >> you are a selfless person. when you see where culture is headed, does it worry you? you're trying to defend basic common sense and people like jesse joyce are poisoning our children with bile humor. it's disgusting. what is considered cool these days? >> any kind of -- if you've got

a job that makes something, you're uncool. that's a problem in america today. now, this is an easy question for you, i'm sure. do you consider yourself cool? i would think you're cool. you're very good looking. sexier than most movie stars and smarter than anyone i've met. must be hard for your panelists to maintain any sense of self-esteem. they must feel like failures. but the question is, are you cool? >> i'm not cool, because i reject the word. i prefer good. i believe i am good. people can only be good or bad, but they cannot be cool, so i cannot be cool either. >> oh, greg, you are way too modest. i can't imagine how lucky is to have you in her life. i'm sure if she were watching this, she would agree with me. it's great how you gave andy and

joanne their start in their careers. when most talented anchors would find them unhirable and unwatchable. why is cool successful? how does it keep finding new members into its cult? >> all humans have a desire to be accepted and liked the moment they go to school. if you don't do the cool thing, you will not be liked. that's where they employ celebrities to push agendas like obamacare because it's your weak spot. if you want someone famous to like you, you'll do what they say. >> will you be promoting this book anymore? because frankly, i haven't heard a thing about this book at all anywhere. will we see you at any bookstores like hastings or barns and nobles in texas? and what about saturday, hitting any books in san antonio, katie,

texas, hastings in college station? or perhaps sunday you'll be at barnes and noble in waco, then the barnes and noble in plano. >> the psychic was right. i'm going to find out -- if you want to find out where i'm going to be, go to my we believe site. -- website. lastly, i would like to walk around town with your face on my chest. is that possible? >> yes, greg. i have a t-shirt available at premierecorrectibles.com. if you buy one, you get a second one for the same price. >> thank you, greg. this was really great. >> good night. what a great guy. >> i didn't want to introduce you fellows.

you have video of your animals going something? go to the website. foods make you funny. was to ber was to ber no cutting in line... play by the rules play by the rules don't pick on the little kids

it's important. it's the right thing to do it helps create the world we want to live in well.... there's something i need to tell you kids aren't the only ones that should be fair... mommy's and daddy's should be that way, too. every time you go to the store you have a chance to be fair... to do the right thing to make a difference in someone else's life it's easy it's not expensive and it makes a huge difference. just look for the fair trade certified label on products in the grocery store it means that farmers are getting a fair deal ... that their kids get to stay in school... that they can look forward to a brighter future and we're getting great products that were grown with care now that's fair it's good for our family... it's good for our neighborhood it's good for the whole world. buy fair. be fair. visit befair.org to learn more i'm glad we had this talk

"independence" wednesday at 9:00 p.m. on fox business andy will be on "the independents". coming up tomorrow we've got kennedy. >> last story. >> that is the last story. >> i love that sound. >> too many drinks make jokes sink? a new study found contrary to what you might think, alcohol does not make you funnier. to see if jokes became funnier as the drinks went down. a sober panel disagreed. we should go to the expert.

megan. >> i stabbed you in the face. >> something made a pain a jabbing stick. a jabbing pain stick i hate hit you with. >> no wonder you're trashed that is why you're funny. >> when you're sober drunk people are annoying. do we need a study? >> no. it proves we all need to be drunk all the time. after five jokes, i mean after five drinks the jokes got increasingly more offensive. >> that is because when you get drunk, the world gets more honest. joanne? then, you can say what you think f you were drunk what would you say? >> oh, so many things probably make more sense. i find when i drink i become more lucid in thought. >> yes. >> it's easier to get them out. >> really? >> yes. >> does that say more about what you're like sober?

>> yes. which is no fun. >> that is true. >> i think it's funny they say these ad execs became less humorus. you wonder who is making the ads? like adopt me commercials? they were wasted when they did those >> awful. awful. >> jesse? you don't drink and you're faintly funny. >> it doesn't work. >> i didn't write that one. someone else did. >> yikes. >> ad executives? they're not funny. like that is the flaw in the ointment. fly in the ointment of every jackass that is not involved in comedy you know what? my mom giggles every time the gieko commercial is on. >> that is funny

>> it's subjective. they had them write a joke the joke could be funny or not funny regardless of the alcohol. you can't quantify that exists in a world in a study all jokes are equally funny? it's a horse concept. >> i love you're so serious. >> i know. . >> i worked in an ad agency when i first started. like, everybody, i tried to get a job in an ad agency. every jackass is like we're so hilarious we have a basketball hoop. look how hilarious madmen is. >> it's not funny. >> it's a scream. >> andy? you have 15 seconds. >> yes. >> i say, i, people behind e trade baby commercials? they aren't funny sober or drunk. >> yes. >> by the way watching that commercial drunk is still not funny. >> nobody likes talking babies.

>> no. no. >> all right. >> dagen, great job, please come back i'll see new a week, i believe. you have time to shop for car insurance today? yeah. i heard about progressive's "name your price" tool? i guess you can tell them how much you want to pay and it gives you a range of options to choose from. huh? i'm looking at it right now. oh, yeah? yeah.

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[throws up] son, voice-over: i gotta say, it was pretty cool. announcer: you don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent. thousands of kids in foster care will take you just as you are. dad: oooh...not again! ♪

♪ ♪ [ applause ] i want to welcome you to justice. this is a fox news alert. we're now going to a press conference in the state of washington on the mudslide that occurred a week ago. >> the access road opened, it connects the east and the west sides of the area. it's being used toy crews in the field and i want to emphasize this that is only open to emergency personnel and not to the general public. in terms of the weather today, the crews faced periods of extremely heavy rain. there are engineers who are posted keeping a lookout to watch for anything coming off the landslide