the case on gretawire.com and of course here "on the record." good night. tonight on "red eye." >> coming up on "red eye" who would win a staring contest, kristen stewart or the care bears ? a debate in my head. and did president obama like the sea monkeys joe biden gave him as a present? >> they don't do anything. it can't be that much fun. it would be so mop more fun if they said let's do something together. >> and finally what will americans watch now that the u.s. is out of the world cup? some say curling and others say watching paint dry. none of these stories on "red eye" tonight." >> and now let's welcome our guests. she is like a vegan hot dog, bland, confusing and ignored at the summer barbecue. i am here with joanne nosuchunsky.

you either love him or hate him. you just hate him. he is the deplorable's andy levy. he is the cuteness of teddy ruxpin with half of the animation. it is joe devito. and his beard traveled from 1904 to be with us today. sitting next to me, gavin mcginnis. jeez louis. >> i am excited to be here. >> sure you are. you can take him off the camera now, you morons. he is the star of "how to be a man" and available on-line and on demand everywhere. that's not manly. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. hey, greg, i stole your convertible, but then again you stole my heart so i guess we're even. >> all right. i was going to wish you a happy belated canada day, but you lost that. >> i lost the entire country because of some driewl. drool. >> this is not a place for driewlg.

drooling. >> just try that. just start the question. >> i was going immediately to the question. i said joe this is a serious topic. and then i realized i hadn't read the topic yet. everybody pretend like nothing happened. >> nothing did happen. >> the weather is crazy out there. >> it is raining and wet. jay he is second to none at being next to nothing. president obama is the worst president since world war ii according to the voices in my head and also a new quinnipiac poll. the most sub par followed by bydubbya and nixon and a guy named carter. offered a con silltary apology to

americans. >> can't wait for to do stuff. so sue me. as long as they're doing nothing, i'm not going to apologize for trying to do something. >> defensive. >> eh? joe, with obama's popularity plummeting like something that plummets, what is next? we'll discuss it in a segment that has taken the nation by storm. a little trick we pulled on our graphic department. they didn't want to do an impeachment sign. hey, joe, serious topic here, i think. and i have a serious question for you. is this the time, should we impeach obama and replace him with a space robot? >> i'd say it's well past that time, greg. >> thank you for that answer. >> i think -- first, they say this poll was conducted with land lines and cell phones. so anyone who still has complaints about harry truman is not answering a cell phone. >> that's true. >> but i think it's interesting. they should have it go back further. >> right.

>> to preworld war ii presidents. >> yes. >> because what is the point of this? are there people still with -- they have forgotten how terrible president carter was only because he is only coming in at 8%. so they need to go deeper, i think. but it's sad because he is in a second term. all the presidents go down. >> right. >> i think what is happening now, he is six years in and people are saying okay, you got to start delivering at some point. >> i think he has overdelivered. i think that's the problem, gavin. if america loves him right now, president obama would be appalled because he wants love only from the professors and the actors and the editorial boards. he wants love from the elitists. he doesn't want love from the rest of us. so i think finding out that everybody hates him is actually saying hey, president obama, you're doing a good job. >> wow, that's pbetter than the point i was going to say. i'm going to just keep repeating what you said. i think he does have a disdain for middle america. and when he feels that they hate him, he gets kind of sexual misconduct it.

>> yeah, that's exactly what i'm saying. >> that's exactly what i was going for, you ludite, you loser. >> in front of a dumb audience, he heckled them. >> he goes i want madison, l.a., new york, a sprinkling of seattle and berkeley. the rest of you can go to hell. >> he's on a tour and he only likes the college towns. >> i'm just repeating your point. >> i know. but you had an interesting edge to it. julian, voters said ronald reagan, i told you this earlier, ronald reagan said was the best president since 1945, and you said who was that? do you stand by your answer? >> no, i actually have one now. >> okay. >> ford. >> yes. >> harrison ford. >> yes. he was amazing in that. >> he was. >> prior to the earring and prior to calista flockhart. >> again, people's names. but when you think about what makes a bad president, or someone that we don't like that

doesn't get our approval, it's -- it's really obama. i mean, that's truly the definition right now. there has been scandal after scandal. and it's this level of apathy that he is giving. he is like the mom in the track suit. he's like am i going to the gym? am i going to work out? i can't really commit to it. but i want to look prepared. >> that's true. you can do one before the other, or, you know, you can eat something. >> you can just have a latte. >> his hair is short. he is not sexy anymore. >> he was hunching over when he was talking. he used to stand up strachlt now he is hunching over. he is smoking in bed and eating trackers. it's like he has given up on the relationship. when you start doing, that there is no chance for any sex. andy, i don't know what that meant. >> i can't help you. >> but who can? >> nobody. >> maybe a local priest. but you wouldn't know. >> i have a team of doctors. >> a team of doctors. does impeachment go far enough, or should obama go to jail?

>> no, you raise an interesting question, greg, and it's one i've been talking about for almost six years now. >> yeah, you have. you were one of the first. >> i was. i might have been the first. am i a hero? i don't know. i don't like that word. it makes me uncomfortable being called a hero. but i get why i'm being called that. but it makes me uncomfortable. this poll. so 33% said obama is the worst president. 28% said bush. that's a 5% difference. but obama has been a better president than bush 39% of voters say while 40% say he is worse. so head to head, it's only a one-point differential between the two of them. >> right. >> for who is the worst. so polls are stupid. >> whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. we have a lot of poll-ish fans. stick to the story. >> he said he's mad, you know, the so sue me thing. >> yes. >> he seems to be under the impression that doing something is always better than doing

nothing, which is a typical thing for a politician to think, but it's wrong. >> yes. >> a lot of times doing something is a lot worse than doing nothing. >> that was calvin coolidge's ethos is that a great president should be almost like an au automaton. >> i don't know who that is. >> i thought it was a shout out to a young woman this the audience. so sue me. >> kept doing little winks and nods. it's disgusting. >> it is disgusting. stick to the speech. >> congress is holding him back all he is trying to do is spend trillions and trillions of dollars. if your sugar daddy cuts up your credit card, he is not the bad guy. >> when i was growing up, my parents held me back from having loot of things. it wasn't cool. >> you can hear the frustration in his voice. it's got tobacco especially when you think about it, he has gotten used to vaporizing people with drone strikes. now just to get some legislation passed, that is really a come

down. you can see why he is getting a little snippy. i think the moral here, you should only have a president one term, six years. because everybody hates that person by the sixth year. >> well, george w. is not doing great in the polls at the end of his term. >> that's my point, i guess. >> it took him a while to get back up to where he is. >> thanks for understanding that. i think everybody understood what it was getting at. all you did is it a a little time. >> i'm sort of like your robin to batman. >> don't underestimate the importance of eating time on the show. >> all right. looks like your guns won't be hit anything targets. we should stop there. retail giant target is now asking customers not to openly carry firearms in its stores. the chain announced the new policy on its website, saying, quote, our approach has always been to follow local laws, and we will continue to do so. but starting today we will also respectfully ask that guests not bring firearms to target, even in communities where it is

permitted by law. they continue . bringing firearms to target creates an environment that is at odds with the family-friendly shopping and work experience we strive to create. target joins other companies like starbucks and chipotle, both known for giving me the runs that have recently banned open carry. what is next, banning fake snakes? >> what is that? [ screaming ] >> i guess that was scary. >> what was that? >> i don't know. i would call that a weak piece of tape. >> gavin, isn't target's decision basically boiling down to guns are scary? >> sort of. but what is it, dana laysh? >> yes. >> she contacted them and got

the nitty-gritty on this. they did not have a ban. they did not have a prohibition. they just said we don't like it. >> right. >> because other people have said can you say that you don't like it? they just want to make money. >> right. >> but technically, you can have a concealed weapon at target because it's concealed. >> right. >> so this whole thing is totally exaggerated. and it's perfectly legit to bring your gun to target. >> what do you think, joe? is it a case of a company just doing whatever they want and crushing your second amendment rights? >> well, you know, it's a private business. so they can tell you pretty much whatever you want and you can take your business elsewhere. i think that's completely reasonable not to ask people to walk around brandishing weapons. especially if your company logo is a bulls-eye. >> that's a good point. >> they're all over the store. >> no, it's not fair, really. >> that's crazy. that's like a blank and a blank shop. wrote that down and was going to fill it in later when in editing.

you're going to put that in there. joe, the time you went to a target and started vomiting uncontrolly and had to be airlifted to saks fifth avenue. >> i was vomiting from excitement. and i tate tarjay. love of classy bargains. i love their phrasing too. we respectfully request. i respectfully request that you leave your toddler at home because i feel threatened by their sticky fingers and erratic movements, and it's a constant remind they're my biological clock is ticking. like what are they going to do? >> the whole -- all the clothing, the whole toy section, a third of it is for toddlers. >> it's a demonstration, and i'm not having any of it. >> they should. they should have stores where they don't allow little

children. andy, go ahead and defend your new heroes at target. >> i sort of will. i agree with gavin they haven't banned open carry let alone concealed carry, which is okay. but they have respectfully requested that customers not do it. and i think that request should be respectfully honored at least by conservatives and libertarians that believe in property rights. just like it's hobby lobby opinion it shouldn't have to pay for certain birth control methods even though they're legal. i support the right of both. >> i think you should have a gun check at the store. leave your gun there, get a little ticket. i'm just kidding. i think gun-free zones are the worst place to be. it makes the shoppers and employers less safe. >> they can just go to walmart where the laws of land and nature are openly mocked. >> exactly. they will let you in if you don't have a gun. no gun, you're going have to go outside. go to target. >> i don't know if this is appropriate to include, but at

target, darth vader, they're 25 bucks. and they're almost this tall. >> what are they? darth vader? >> darth vader, yeah. a two-foot tall darth vader at target is about 25 bucks. >> a pretty good deal. >> it looks really cool and it has all the gear on and the cape on. pleated pants. >> i don't believe that let's move on. it's a spike-a-din and vicodin. new reports from the centers for disease control and prevention shows american doctors prescribe pain pills like vicodin 259 million times, but if you want a script, you may have to plan a trip. the highest prescription rates are in southeastern states like alabama with 143 written for every 100 residents. yay. while places like new york and california have low rates, boo. the rates of painful injuries don't vary by geography. so the heavier use of pills is likely due to doctors writing prescriptions when they shouldn't. and apparently the cdc thinks overdoses from opioid narcotics

are a serious problem saying, quote, overdoses from opioid narcotics are a serious problem. i butchered that. what is it feel like to be high on prescription pills? take a look. shut up. ♪ >> ay-yay-yay. that was amazing. all right. joe, shouldn't i, i being not me, but somebody that represents. >> someone like you. >> be able to take a percocet the same way i can drink a cup of coffee or make a martini? what is the difference? >> the difference is it's a highly addictive opioid. >> coffee? >> the breakdown of bad behavior -- >> let's chill out with some caffeine. >> relax with a latte.

>> i think it's interesting the way the bad behavior is regional. >> yeah. >> like you have in appalachia, you have oxycodone addictions and on the coast brunch. again, legalize marijuana, and we don't have a lot of these problems, because people can treat their pain. they can use it recreationally. >> pain? >> yes, chronic pain. >> you do marijuana for pain? come on. >> yes. >> come on. >> like if something is a bummer. >> that's the kind of pain i'm talking about. >> like a monday, maybe. >> ever had a case of the mondays diagnosed? marijuana, you can grow on your own. and here we have a drug created by scientists, prescribed by doctors, and it not only is abused, but it has terrible consequences some of the small towns, you saw more than a prescription per person. it's ridiculous because it's legalized and created in a factory. we act like oh, so it must be okay. that's not the case. >> i look at it in the opposite.

view, gavin. i say that's the way it should be. i think that, like, if you looked at alcohol, there is probably like five bottles of booze in every one of those too, correct? >> yeah, i mean drugs are totally legal for the remotely tenacious. >> yeah. you can do speed. it's called adderall, it says, a amphetamines right on the bottle. you can do heroin. that's oxycontin. all drugs are legal. in fact, young people when you hear they're drug addicts, they rarely seem to be doing heroin and cocaine anymore. it's always he is a pill head. >> that's old guys. back in the good old days, i snorted. when i was a boy, guys would od on heroin on the street. it was mixing all kinds of crap. now it's this great stuff, the pharmaceutical companies are making. >> it's like being into vinyl. >> yes, exactly. >> ate his own bar of when he

died. excuse me while i puke and die. that's what we need. >> joe, you average two bottles of wine a day. how can you point your finger at pill takers and say you have a problem? >> well, it's just a quick trick. the booze takes a while. if you want to take the easy road, take a pill. >> that's true. >> but it says a lot about our medicine today. doctors will just here, fix it with this pill. but it never really fixes problems. how can anyone too know the pain i'm in. how do i even know the pain that i'm in if i've never experienced a greater pain? see what i'm doing there? this conversation would be much better on some drugs. >> it would. >> andy, isn't the usually the best medicine for pain the first one they banned? >> yeah, almost always. >> when first they come from you're percocet. >> it's true. unlike joe, i'm not anti-science. he seems to have some biased against drugs created by

scientists. scientists are geniuses. the stuff they create is fantastic, and we should use it as often as possible. >> can you put it in a brownie? >> why would you want to when you can literally do this and you don't have to do anything else. and you can go on about your business of enjoying the sweet, sweet life? >> exactly. >> i'll all for legalizing the stuff and putting it over the counter. i do also think that opioids are probably the one drug where legalization would lead to a huge, huge uptick in abuse. >> yeah, really? >> because it's so easy. >> a lot of doctors will write things that say don't let me prescribe this to myself. because i can't trust myself. >> there is also a reason that there are a lot of doctors in rehab centers for pain pills. because they're pretty awesome. >> really depressing. i think if people are in pain, they should have everything -- >> except marijuana. can we stop pretending? >> i know what you mean. marijuana should be legal, both

the medical marijuana thing is -- coming up, you fight beards and and sleep and continue watching. i'm watching you too. but first,

should we arrest every pest? "new york times" court has struck down a 2010 albany law that made cyberbullying a crime, calling it too broad, sexist. the law criminalizes communication intended to harass, threatening, annoy, humiliate or inflict significant la mesa emotional harm on another person. the court applauded the intent but ruled it prohibited speech far beyond the sooip

cyberbullying of children in violation of the first amendment. whatever that is. speaking of bullies,. >> go on! go on! >> come, come here. >> come! come! >> oh, i love -- i love that. >> who needs a dog cham? >> i don't know. >> all right. joe, you're the constitutional law expert here. is cyberbullying protected by the first amendment or not? >> absolutely. >> thank you. >> it is. >> next. >> as someone who had his ass kicked on a regular basis, this is almost to me nostalgic when i hear this. yeah, it's a drag. but if you take that away, you see they keep adding things to it. first it's to harass and intimidate. then it gets down to cause hurt

feelings. and then they say for no legitimate purpose. what are you supposed to say? someone is getting a little too big for their britches and we need to take them down. we all know, first of all, young people need to realize the internet is not your friend. the internet is a bad thing that is going to make you look stupid. so approach cautiously. >> it's a large poisonous tube that you crawl into and it takes you toe dark and ugly places. >> because we used to just have to worry about the year book. once a year. and now it's retweets. >> every day is potential for ruining your life. gavin, you must be breathing easier because you bully teens daily. >> i do bully teens. and i think it's a very healthy way to make yourself feel better. i think if you can find a small child on the internet who is overweight, you should mock them. for their body shape. just anyone who seems imperfect, dwell on that, get in there, use aliases, make fake facebook pages.

and it's a very cathartic way to relieve stress. >> you really are a wonderful person. >> i spend hours a day harassing 13-year-olds. >> it's true. bulimics. >> nobody thinks of the needs of the bully. >> the bully is the forgotten population. >> we get out there. and you look terrible, ha ha, you know. >> you're an awful person. joanne, as a pageant winner, you're familiar with cyberbullying in that you were the cyberbully often browbeating your competitors into leaving. >> well, that was a lot of the girls' platform, the cyberbullying. so in order to help with their platform, i wanted to have an issue there for them. >> exactly. >> the best way to stop cyberbullying is to kill them -- with kindness. >> boy, that pause was perfect. >> right, the timing there. one of the arguments with this legislation that it did not address the causes of bullying. but how would you punish bad parenting and insecurity? because i feel like those are

really the causes of it. or you just get rid of the computer. that will stop it. but is it criminal record something that these kids should have? i think yes. but still. >> go after the parents. >> most of it is also being done by minors. >> it's minor on minor. >> we have to acknowledge that young people are awful. >> they're jerks. >> they do awful things. >> make fun of handicapped kids or some immigrant comes here and it's his first day and he has a burn from a civil war and they can't stop calling him burn arm or something. >> jerk kids become jerk adults. >> i they get punched in the nose and go okay, there is ramifications. >> everybody was bullied and everybody was a bully. it's a continuum. i bullied somebody and i was bullied. andy, you still bully on a regular basis. >> get bullied. absolutely. >> in the fox hall waist.

>> absolutely. >> what can be done to you is disgusting. >> i'm sure that's not legal. yeah there is no way this law could have been upheld as constitutional. if i -- if i tell you a secret about me and we get in a fight and you post my secret on facebook, you're being an ass, but you haven't done anything criminal. but under this law, you would have. and the state has no business deciding what a legitimate purpose is for speech. the people who drafted this law and the people who voted for it should have their citizenship stripped that would help solve the problem and prevent it from happening in the future. >> i don't think your response is overblown at all. >> i don't think so either. >> i think that's exactly what needs to be done. >> if you don't understand the constitution of the united states, you should not be a lawmaker. and the best way to make sure you're not a lawmaker is to strip you of your citizenship. so it's for their own good. >> always education. >> can i just say that i made fun of neil degrasse tyson fans on this show and i was stripped of my facebook page. and it was a wake-up call. and i learn mid lesson. and i'm glad.

i'm glad. >> did you really lose your facebook page? >> for that quote i said. and i deserved every second of it. >> can you believe that? that is absolutely -- i mean, you -- whoever, you cannot be proud of actually that. that is so pathetic. >> that what passes for getting results these days. >> exactly. pay attention to your family. >> i don't want to listen to spotify pro. i'm glad they shut it down. coming up, a $4 million bed. that must be some bed. nice one, captain obvious. you're fired. >> tonight's sponsor is the look. we know what it takes to make a pop star. the look. the only reality-based singing competition judged purely on appearance. our judges are in a soundproof booth so talent never comes into play. the look, watch us on mute.

will this sport come up short? an op-ed for time the magazine, not the fourth dimension, basketball phenom and airplane actor kareem abdul-jabbar writes that, quote, soccer will never be a slam-dunk in the u.s. he argues that the world cup only achieves high ratings because it's a rare event coming around every seven years, i believe, much like locusts. during the regular season, major league soccer is crushed by the nfl, nba, mlb, nhl, and even cnn.

and while he doesn't believe the sport is anti-american, he says, quote, soccer doesn't express the american ethos as popularly as our other sports. we are a country of pioneers, and we like to see extraordinary effort rewarded with points. joe, do you agree? i'm going to give you three options here. strongly agree, or reluctantly agree? >> what's the third option? >> that was three. agree, strongly agree, reluctantly agree. >> i would strongly agree. >> thank you. >> because when you think about the nba, you can watch an nba game and the scoring could literally be 50 times what you see in a soccer game. >> right. >> 50 times. and it's so boring. and i have a -- first of all, i'm getting tired of even talking about soccer. people, they want you -- you have to hate it you. have you to love it. i feel like if a friend keeps trying to convince you to enjoy certain cuisine, i tried it. i don't like it. i want to go somewhere else. even though i like watching mma and have i friends say that's borg. it's not 90 minutes of that. it's just dull.

>> a rapper? 90 minutes? >> mma. >> i don't know what he is talking about. gavin, millions watched u.s. play portugal. is that because they love the united states, not soccer? >> it's because it's on. they're not going to watch the game in two months. >> yeah. >> first of all, when did kareem abdul-jabbar become christopher hitchens? >> he is pretty good. >> why has this guy been writing books for a while? >> he is very good. >> the most elegant basketball player in the history of the sport. dude, sit down at a typewriter and get a book out of you. but secondly, yes, he is right. what people don't get about america, it's german. if you look at the origin, the mass -- the most people in this country when you include the midwest are german. brits are after that. irish are after that. and german. it's not just german, it's germans who were sick of europe. so you have a particularly mean,

coarse group of individuals. and they're not in kicky ball. >> that was the original name, kicky ball. here is my theory -- first, let me ask you, joanne. of all the pro sports athletes you dated, where do soccer stars fall on the list? >> they're so great, though. yeah. they're really humble, because they know that they're not popular. >> okay. >> you know, and stamina is great. they look good. >> but not good with their hands. >> hands off. i actually -- i really like soccer. i do. i love the fact that there is no commercials. >> yes. >> for the first half. i hate that in football, every few seconds someone gets pummelled, the ball goes three yards and it's done. >> i agree. >> and too to say about futball, real football, not american

football, they don't care if everyone likes it or not. it's their sport. they'll love it. they'll go to the games. they'll continue to watch even after the world cup. so they're kind of like we don't even care about this debate because we're going to continue to enjoy it. >> that's not true at all. they don't shut up about it. >> i'll get interested. but if you start singing all these horrible songs like "whose that lying on the runway, whose that dying in the snow ♪ or -- ♪ could you go to chicken shop for bobby sands, can you go a chicken shop for bobby sands ♪ you know, those. >> i can listen to these forever. >> they're all wonderfully -- >> or what about -- ♪ elton john is a homosexual that's the whole song. there are no other words to it. it's hilarious. >> they don't do that in our sports, sadly. >> you have obviously never been to a jets game. >> i'm not into basketball. you know what? i believe that soccer isn't

popular here because it wasn't here first. its guy that came late. and there weren't enough seats for it. >> yeah, i don't know about the seats part. but sure, i'll go along with the other stuff. kareem abdul-jabbar is obviously right. i don't think he said anything new in that piece. but as gavin pointed out, he said it really, really well. i have to say, though, i hate to say it. i appreciate watching soccer more than i did a month ago. i'm not going to watch it again until the next world cup or possibly the olympics when the americans are playing. but as i got more into it, it became a little more interesting. >> somebody else made this point, and i tend to agree with it. it's one of the televised sports that hasn't advanced with cameras. like bowling has a camera behind the pin. >> yeah. >> it's like boxing. you watch boxing and guys, you zoom in? what are you doing? >> yeah, exactly. >> soccer is the same. it's this infinity wide shot. the field just too damn big. >> they need to get in there and stuff like that.

>> i'm not the first to say this. when the ball goes out of bounds, push the button on the clock. it stops it. >> i love the clock that keeps moving. >> it's dumb. you don't -- what kind of sport where you don't know how much time is left? >> oh, i see what you mean. >> he needs the mystery in sports. >> i think soccer would be much better if they're either a lot more guys or a lot fewer guys. like if it was 50 guys a side or just one dude on each side. >> oh, that would be awesome. >> i would love to see that. >> oh my god. imagine 50 hot guys. that would be heaven on earth. it really would. i would be oh, no, i fell. >> do you remember the major indoor soccer league? >> there has been like 50 tries. >> when i was a kid, there was a thing called the major enter soccer league. the final score would be 14-11. >> it's like arena football. >> so much packed into it. it was still really good athletes, but the ball didn't go

out of bounds every two second and people scored. >> everyone is really good which is why no one can score. if you watch a kid game, there is goals. >> the goalie is always the worst player. >> see, you're making the game into a german immigrant game. you're just going to end up back at football again. >> yes, you should get the guys on the field. and get a pass so you hit each other. and get up and run. >> yes. >> all right. you know what? it's a sport for the poor. all you need is a ball. >> it's a sport for poor brits, which are socialists. >> well, in other countries, they use a goat head. made that up. >> yeah, okay. that i would like to see. >> i would too. i would like to see you playing with a goat head. i have to take a break. more stuff is on the way. what is the best fast food? and don't forget to get your copy of not cool. order it at amazon.com, autographed copies.

it's a pity the about their patty. mcdonald's has the worst burger in america. untrue. according to a consumer report study. what do they know. we'll pretend that that isn't a reckless lie and ask, then, what is the best fast food? that's the subject of tonight's red-eye debate 2014, live from the red-eye debate center. >> welcome to tonight's red-eye debate live from the red-eye debate center. i'm greg gutfeld, the host of tonight's debate. tonight we're coming to you from the ball pit at a mcdonald's in paramus, new jersey. whatever. consumer reports released their list of the best and worst fast food as rated by readers. mcdonald's wasn't the only major chain feeling pain. kfc had the worst chicken and taco bell the worst taco. perhaps skewing the results they included casual winners.

among the winner, chipotle, or as i like to call it, diarrhea-ay. sounds like my saturday night. and panera bread. that's not even a real restaurant. it's a place where you buy big things of bread and have meetings where you fire people. true. panera bread is where you're fired. if your boss says let's go to panera bread, you're fired. don't go. >> that's where you buy the bread that you then put in the bag and you walk home so you can feel like you're in a movie. >> exactly. exactly. or you put it in the bicycle thing and then you get hit by a bus and die. >> worst rated joint was sbarro where jesse joyce used to work. let's go around. joanne, your generation is shifting more towards the higher quality fast foods. what is wrong with you? >> we really like intimacy. but we feel like we get that, we can personalize our orders. >> you make me sick. >> i, however, don't eat my of the stuff because i think about how i'll feel afterwards.

and i just think of the stomachache which will happen. my idea of fast food is microwave popcorn or a mama celeste little microwave pizza. >> that's not bad. they've come a long way in frozen pizzas. when i was a kid, you weren't even born. they burned your mouth and they were thin cardboard and you put them on a cookie tray. and mom would be crying and dad would be saying shut the [ bleep ] up. joe? you're on the road a lot. which means you probably will put anything in your mouth. >> it's true. >> anything. >> and i have. >> and it still doesn't fill that pit of sadness in your soul. >> by the way, i think ilio's pizza slogan was shut the [ bleep ] up. these studies don't change anything. no one is going to change their behavior. i'll believe americans care about fast food quality when they stop eating at place with corral in the name. it's interesting. all the places were rated worst for what they're known for.

mcdonald's had the worstburg ir. kfc the worst chicken. >> what else? >> you need a fast food place called vague. here is a bag of stuff. get out of here. >> chicken got the worst chicken but the best bucket. >> the bucket is fantastic. we give the bucket a 10. anyway, andy? you eat fast food. you eat more fast food than anybody i know. >> once a week. >> well, that's more. >> okay. >> this -- jack in the box got rated better for burgers than mcdonald's? >> they have more options. >> their burgers are garbage, though. or stuff isn't bad. the 99 cent tacos, outstanding. but their burgers are garbage. i think it's easy to bash mcdonald's because they're the king and they're everywhere. >> yes. >> and you take them for granted. mcdonald's, did i just have mcdonald's, whatever. so you pick five guys or something like that. but i don't -- it's [ bleep ] stupid. >> well, this has turned into a swear palace, gavin. gavin, do you eat? you have kids. >> i eat kids.

no. my thing with fast food, and i eat it all the time, i eat like john goodman's great aunt. and i am obsessed with fries. burgers are easy to make. maryland does use too much grease. it feels like you have a dental dam on your tongue. you a weird film. >> it is a film. >> right. in and out's fries are a gift from god. five guys fries are wonderful. fast food companies, if you're out there, all restaurants, it's called hand-cut fries. you soak them in water you. get the starch out. you blanche them at 350 degrees. and then you shock them at 420 degrees. after that, you can serve me diarrhea. and i'll be the happiest man alive. fries built this country. >> i know a guy who would do that. >> good. let's meet him tonight. >> we have the perfect table. >> i don't care what your burger tastes like.

it's beef with crappy bread. >> mcdonald's is amazing for just the feel of something. it feels good. >> the mcdonald's fries have a 40-second shelf life. you have to eat them really hot. >> but in the 40 seconds, they're the best thing other. >> and get a condom on your tongue. >> no it's true. >> have you ever had fries at checkers? >> no, i have never. >> you should try the fries at checkers. >> so they're hand-cut? >> what do i do, go in there, excuse me, are they hand-cut? >> good sir. >> a guy comes back with a knife in his toes. >> all right. i think politics entered this poll, because they love -- liberals love to pollate. >> polling is delicious. >> it's the worst. >> chipotle. >> oh my god, that burrito. >> awful. >> haven't you ever had a real burrito? chipotle is superior to real

burritos. the next topic, the cannibal cop. he got out of jail. we're going to talk about him, we're going to talk about him, next. you want to save money on car insurance? no problem. you want to save money on rv insurance? no problem. you want to save money on motorcycle insurance? no problem. you want to find a place to park all these things? fuggedaboud it. this is new york. hey little guy, wake up! aw, come off it mate! geico. saving people money on more than just car insurance.

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in your mind? well ex-nypd officer dubbed the cannibal cop released from jail after a judge overturned his conviction for a plot to kidnap, kill, and eat his wife and other people. gilberto valle had told man he met in a chat room, quote, i want her to experience being cooked alive. she'll be trussed up like a turkey. but the judge said there wasn't sufficient evidence to prove that his sick ideas were anything more than fantasy role play. so he is out, and his first act, dinner with mom. yet it's another -- >> victory for perverts. joe, how do you feel about the cannibal cop being free? >> first of all, i call dibs on the name cannibal cop. get in that, practicing saturday afternoon in my parents' garage. it sounds like he was making plans. it makes me wonder. i know there is a fine line -- well, no there isn't a fine

line. what is he doing, looking up big pans to cook a person in and stuff like that? do you have to wait until he is actually creeping up? >> yeah you do. >> sorry. >> why? >> because people say stupid -- you see these role-playing games. people are messing around. it's just fiction. we can't go arresting people for saying stupid crap. >> but he also took steps. he went and looked up people's addresses. >> big whup. >> but his mom is the smartest person here. she says she is very anxious to cook a meal for him. that's the key. always make sure he is feel. >> and he won't cut you to pieces. i don't know, joanne. the fact that he made some steps, it's a little frightening. but i have to say, he didn't break any rules or laws, did he? >> he didn't. and truthfully, i don't think he would enjoy the taste of human flesh. >> why? >> had he actually cooked it? >> it would be very tough, very chewy? >> i don't know. they call it long pig.

>> that's what cannibals call it. >> i had no idea. >> why? >> tastes like a long pig. >> you're not looking for metaphors with cannibals. they're very direct. >> on the nose. >> they don't have time. >> literally, yes. >> gavin, what do you make of this? >> let him go. let him do whatever he wants. he said some stuff. he got some pots. hey, it's like cyberbullying. when we start trying to regulate this stuff, we're going to regulate ourselves out of existence. people can say completely insane stuff on their keyboards. >> he should just learn from that and the next time he says i want to truss her up like a turkey and cook her, he should put ha ha after. >> and emoticon would have been nice. exactly. well, i don't know. i don't think this man has a life now. i don't think anybody -- >> he is not allowed to see his daughter now. >> mayor degrasse owe took a strong statement today saying he shouldn't be hired back. >> that's good. desk duty.

>> mayor de blasio. >> i think we're going to cut it short here special thanks to joanne, joe devito, tv's andy levy, gavin mcinnes. that does it for me. i'm greg gutfeld. cilee you tomorr

happy birthday, america. i'm greg gutfeld along with kimberly guilfoyle, eric bolling, dana perino and bob beckel. this is "the five." something july 4th is the time to shore patriotism. not to me. to me it's like drinking on new year's eve you should do it year round. patriotism is the celebration of luck. you're lucky you are here and not there. it necessary to express such pride? yes, because so many others don't in this unbalanced world your patriotism cancels out those who find it uncool.