so i do. thank you for being with us, see you again tomorrow night right here at 7:00 p.m. eastern. just put a poll on gretawire.com. go and vote. good night. tonight on "red eye." >> coming up on "red eye" a dude who can solve five rubik's cubes underwater. why the race for the 2016's sexiest man alive is pretty much over. and has the president come up with a new pass word for sentcom's twitter account? what is it? >> -- caffeine laced undergarments. thank you. >> and finally an elephant who only wants to have sex with cars. should he be put down or should we ago isn't him for who he really is? our panel gets to the bottom of it next. none of these stories on "red eye" tonight. >> and now let's welcome our guest. she is responsible for more

crumpled tissues than the flu. i am here with donna feldman. my second favorite feldman behind -- >> cory. >> no, marty. weeping into warm cheap wine it is joanne know saw nosuchunsky. and a real step down in the looks department but i guess he is here for a reason. not sure what that reason is. it is tv's andy levey. if it looks like he is cooking up a scheme, he is not. he believes cooking is a woman's job. massagan sigh t tom shillue. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. >> is it too soon for a new cartoon? "charlie hebdo" first article since the attack is raising concern itself could raise to maury price sals from the jihady jerkoffs. that is a technical term.

it is a picture of mohamed holding a sign that says "charlie" and weeping under a headline that says all is for given. the leading islamic institute go bobcats called on the french government to quote, announce that a rejection of this racist act that attempts to erase religious strive in times like these as always i turn for guidance to the mayor of rodderdam in the netherlands. hours after the terrorist attack who was born in mora co told fellow muslims to make like a tree and [bleep] off.

>> should have taken spanish in school. if you want to see more of that interview you won't. in other news, the leader of isis was spotted this week in syria riding a bike with one of his wives. >> young love i say tom. young love indeed. >> why did he fog that guy's face out? >> what is he embarrassed about? >> what do you make of the cover? i have theories. >> you do? >> yes but i like to hear

yours first. you are the guest. >> i think they have raised the bar too high. now unless you are making fun of the prophet mohamed, i mean where are you as a satirist. you have nothing. >> it is great though because everybody has to put the cover up. we should have been doing it a week ago. there is that way for radical islamists to keep up. they can't kill everybody. >> i am getting a little tired of the comedians. everyone is the -- whatever the phrase is. "i am charlie." are you not charlie. you were never there before for these guys and the thing is it is not about them. to me it is a bunch of johnny come latelies. now they are obsessed with terrorism? >> now we are ready to fight. where were you yesterday? >> that's the point of the

cover. the cover is making fun of them. the cover of the new one is making fun by having mohamed hold the sign. c's a joke on the -- it is a joke on the protestor. >> it is doubling back. >> the artist said it wasn't. >> i disagree with the artist. he said it is not the front page the terrorist wants us to make because there is no terrorist in it. it is just a man crying, a guy crying. it is mohammed. that's what he said. it is a man crying because it was an awful thing that happened. >> i disagree completely. donna, welcome to the show. >> thank you for having me. >> what is your take on this? >> we live in a free society. no cartoon is worth murder. >> have you seen nancy's slow go? >> it is really frightening what can happen as a response, but it is dangerous to be free these days.

>> that's true. >> are you saying i am wrong in my analysis? >> always. >> they are making fun. >> i was president sure what it -- i wasn't sure what it meant, but by the way we need to say charlie come lately and not johnny come lately. they say the cover means that they are forgiving the extremists who killed or the terrorists who killed the other staff. that's what they are saying. >> that's dumb. >> that's what they are saying and it is a joke. >> maybe. >> let me ask joanne what do you make of the mayor of roderdam? >> he is a sexy guy. >> he is sexy. >> you rarely hear politicians use the f-word.

>> in this age of showing mohamed we are worried about the four-letter word. >> and it was the danish version. >> you know how you say the f-word in danish, it is tomato. >> so he speaks in another language, and so do i. what he is basically saying is if you are going out to dinner and you are going to a restaurant. say it is a great barbecue joint. you don't bring your own tupperware with your leftovers to eat it there. we are not saying if you are vegetarian you have to eat the pork at this joint, but we are saying -- you go to the restaurant. don't you want to participate? >> don't bring your bomb to the restaurant. >> no because that is not a pleasant meal. >> you look confused. >> isn't he saying get out of my country? >> he says if you don't want to eat my food get out of my restaurant jie. they are not going to listen to him.

they don't listen to guys like him. i want to be clear. i said the kind of thing that is misunderstood all the time. all of this huffing and puffing -- remember she said they were activists. other people repeated. it isn't. it is an attack on the west. everything you do is an attack on the west. it is not special to your special thing. that's what i am saying. >> last thing, the care is going to do a press conference the council on american islamic relations. they are going to have a press conference to protest the cover. that's predictable. i know exciting. i do believe this was a whole satire and hash tag symbol itch. that's -- symbolism. that's my feeling.

>> he has seen the whole magazine and tweeted out there is a cartoon going after the pope, but then they have an editorial where they thank people who defend freedom of speech, but they criticize people who say we condemn terrorism but. >> and they say to people who don't generally defend -- genuinely defend freedom of speech can " f" themselves. even though you were right. >> could canned peaches stop school speeches. an alabama school principal want students to bring in canned goods like corn and soups, but not for a food drive. it is to be used as weapons. campbell's cream of mushroom could fight off potential intruders. they sent a letter to parents on friday saying we realize at first this may seem odd however it is a practice that

would catch an intruder off guard. a canned food item could stun him or even knock him out until the police arrive. >> you really have to throw that. the concept is inspired by the school safety guidelines. it is put in place by the department of education. it is called alise that stands for alert, lock down, inform counter and escape. meanwhile, he has trained an army of ducks to protect his home from intruders. >> it is adorable when they are terrified. is this a good idea to throw the can by the armed person? you know what, watch out. you may get a del monte logo on your forehead.

>> it is wrong. this person should not be giving advice to anyone. tom, is it crazy or crazy genius? >> this principal may be on to something. >> or on something. >> i am very nonviolent. >> even the scruffy tom is against violence? >> yeah, living on the edge. >> are you doing the lumber thing? >> i am so nonviolent that i think they should use the cans, but they shouldn't throw them at the gunmen. they should open up the closet and they should say, oh, gunmen, why don't you use these cans for target practice? isn't that a better way to live your life? that's what they should do. >> actually, you know what, the can would be better if you had a can opener and the sharp edges you could slash people's throats. >> open the can and then serve

soup. >> i haven't found anybody including radical muslims. >> it is calming jie. it reminds me of a kid who is hope sick. homesick. joe, say an intruder broke into your apartment because he knew where you hid the key maybe. what would you throw at them? soup? >> have i a bottle of jamison i was trying to get rid of. maybe that. >> when i was in middle school i had awful aim. i still have awful aim. i don't know how accurate these kids will be with their cans in time -- in actually assaulting. do you throw normal or do you -- is it funny? >> i will do over hand, but then i am sore the whole next day. i do something wrong. i don't stretch. i hope i never throw

anything. >> you don't want to throw something after months of not throwing. >> i don't think kids should be response -- responsible for their safety and have a weapon to protect themselves. if you want to arm the teachers that's fine, but really arm them. >> arm them with a hot -- hot was saw roll. >> i burn my tongue all the time. >> i know. andy -- >> sorry, i am imagining it all over your body. >> tuna casserole would be the worst. >> how would the students prepare for this? >> you have to have drills. i don't know if you set up targets or if you have a teacher wear a bunch of padding and pretend to be an intruder and you drill them going into the closet. when i first heard it i thought it was craidzy. and then i thought maybe it is really smart.

then i thought no, it is crazy. but then i thought, no it actually reminds me -- jackie chan was famous for his found object fighting style. that's what this is. the alice video -- very weird that the government instead of telling people to cow better in fear is telling people to fight back. it is not like our government to do that. they say it is not just cans. it is staplers and other -- just throw heavy objects at the intruder. it is a great fighting style to learn. it is something i teach a lot of co-eds. i don't actually teach them that. they do it. i think it is a good idea. >> i don't. >> that is what convinced me that it was a great idea. >> somebody has a gun and you don't throw a can at them. that angers them.

>> no. >> you either have to have amazing aim and have to be like john smoltzs -- baseball player correct? pitcher? >> sure. >> you have to be in the hall of fame. this is a dumb idea. dangerous. give a shotgun to the teacher. >> you keep saying the teachers. you remember your teacher. they are not good shots. you have to have an armed guard. >> can i direct you to a book i like to call the bible and it is the story of david and goliath. >> he was not that little though. >> david won. >> because of that one story we have to -- >> a lot of people have died. >> they say i am the david and that's the goliath jie. and then they die. >> didn't you read "malcolm glad well" goliath had bad knees and a bad hip. >> he was favored from the beginning. >> why would i read malcolm

brad well? did the doodle mean their doom? there was graffiti with the message, bye-bye along with a frowney face. the crew members found the sketchy sketch written in oil on the fuselage. just say sellly. belly. they requested a full sweep, but you fighted refused saying it was a, quote, joke. was it? since staff would not cooperate the flight was canceled and the employees later fired and thousand they are suing to get their jobs back. who made the graffiti? maybe it was one of the america nirks on -- mechanics seen on the plane.

>> an ace mechanic. >> there have been some scares. >> the creepy bye-bye plane. are they filming the final destination? get me a new plane and get me an upgrade. if it was go ising to had fiewlgt are fiewlgt dirs -- if it was final destination plane it would be the greatest flight ever. >> that's why i said a bad horror movie. the newest "final destination" may be not as good. >> that's true. they are running out of plot lines. this seems like something you would do. he would write something on a plane. >> you can't tell me you haven't written wash me on the back of an suv. the fee so many face --

fearsome face is not the drawing. it is the back of the plane. >> i am a metal beast with glowing eyes. >> she a terrible monster. it is like a transformer it is an angry transformer. >> i wouldn't get on the regular plane. >> thoughts and rational explanation? >> the people on the tarmac get lonely. the planes take off and no one says bye. this time they did. we don't know what would have happened because the flight was canceled because there was not a crew for it. during the flight that didn't happen something could have -- whether it was because of the bye-bye something could have happened and united would feel really bad. maybe they are using them as scapegoats. do you know what skate -- scapegoats are? >> i don't. >> goats that get out of your

yard. it is an independent fill i started in the 80s. >> if i may speak about the story? >> please do. >> i look at it this way, i support the flight attendants because if i was a passenger on the plane i would have preferred to get off the plane, unless the xanax kicked in. if the xanax had kicked in i would have thought it was adore blee cute. look at the bye-bye. it is poohs we might crash. yeah. >> isn't it amazing what xanax will make you accept? so many things. on that note, coming up. how many bodies can you fit on the trunk of a buick, sedan? and inappropriate e-mails between teachers and students is there any other kind? look at that.

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are you done yet, john? good we are doing a show here. there are people at home who are interested in watching. not listening to your silly stories about life in new york. god help me. they put the parent in transparent. a new bill in indiana is aimed at preventing inappropriate relationships at school. it would require all e-mails and text messages between students and school employees to be forwarded to the students' parents and the principal. and then be saved for two years. the hope is that those communications can be used as evidence in future cases of bad behavior. should the teachers libeling this bill? will it protect them and maybe help them overcome temptation? >> i hope the teachers would like it.

it would help them overcome temptation. >> not all teachers are buying it. some worry the bill is too cumbersome and threatening. we asked a dance teacher and student to comment. >> that's amazing. tom, you are offended. >> i didn't like what that cat was doing. >> the girl was okay? >> she is just expressing herself. >> you have kids. >> i haven't seen them either. >> i did hear screams once. is this a good rule? >> no, we are having to adjust our lives according to what the terrible people are doing. it is ridiculous. >> who are the terrible people here? >> the terrible people who are getting in trouble with students. i am suspicious of the old guy who says i think they will like it. it will help them resist

temptation. why is it tempting e-mailing students? it is terrible. if i was a teacher i would say don't e-mail me, go home. >> it is weird he put in the bill that all of the e-mails had to be forwarded to him. that's a red dplag. >> -- red flag. >> disgusting to me. did you have problems with the teachers when you were younger? >> i didn't have problems with teachers, but the oldest was 15. he runs the internet i told my sister you need to be more aware. something like this i am okay with. if you have a problem with it, you probably shouldn't be they where near a school. you know what i mean? >> you can illegally download movies. >> prescription medications. >> anything, i'm telling you. >> i will give you his number. >> i don't want any stuff from mexico. >> wow racist. >> you never know the quality from the pharmacy.

>> again racist. >> i am talking about the mexican pharmacy and not the mexicans. joanne, where am i? >> based off what donna is saying it should not be a replacement for good parenting. >> well done. i mean it. it is easy to -- i don't know to send your kids off with the technology and it occupies them and they don't complain and they don't argue with you. but you really need to be present in your child's life. this could be good for teachers. if a gross kid is like, yeah we slepting together. there is no evidence. >> do that again. you are really good at that. is that a guy or a girl? >> it is a pre pew -- pre-pubecent boy. >> his hands are like this. >> he as arthritis. >> interesting andy.

you mentor teens. you often talk about this. >> i do. do you think it should cover mentors and mentees? >> no, that is crazy. who would do that? >> the teacher said this is too cumbersome and threatening. it is too stupid. a teacher who will have an inappropriate relationship with a student is not going to forward those texts and e-mails. this is the dumbest thing i have heard since another dumb story we did. >> probably in the a block about the cans? this could be dumber than the cans story. >> dumber than the cans. all you have to do is you don't forward those particular e-mails , or you skype with them or face time and then when they look for evidence it is there is no evidence here. i guess the kid was make toping. >> the punish meant for not forwarding e-mails is the same as sexual contact with a minor. and then they will have to

forward the e-mails. >> they say the only way -- the only time they will look at those e-mails is if they have suspicion of something. >> the fine is you will be punished for way worse than not forwarding an e-mail. >> the only one is donna. you made our point because your 15-year-old cousin there he will be able to get around. >> to be fair joanne was also wrong when she said absentee parenting is bad. >> absentee parenting is fantastic. >> face time had a totally different meaning at my uncle's house. it is a new world and we don't like to admit it but young people are way better looking than they have ever been in the history of time. better anti-acne medications.

i don't see kids with pimples anymore. that's wrong. they are in better shape. they eat better. they wear little clothing. i would say between 17 and 20. they are like super human creatures and that's not fair. and to add on top of that even the teachers are better looking. the teachers are like 30 and in great shape. and they are fun. what is happening to this world? my teachers were ugly and i was covered in zits. there was no sex going on because we were both hideous quasimotos. >> coming up, bullying in school. first, a word from our sponsor. >> tonight's sponsor is giant flying squirrel. the latest in genetically altered animal. it is a hang glider perfect for hien enthusiast. thanks giant flying squirrel.

this is a great story joanne. please focus. the fish were unkind because he was blind. the tank was filled with his tears. he was getting bullied by other fish because of his missing eye. doctors gave him a fake one tom. according to the aquarium head

before the prosthetic, the fish seen her during surgery was being hurt and quite uncomfortable because he was being picked on by the other fish who would call him one-eyed wallly. now with two eyes the fish is interacting with his underwater peers. how would he know if he is normal? one news anchor was skeptical and demanded answers. >> you get it -- i get it that other fish wouldn't take advantage of the one-eyed fish. how would the fish in question know the difference? >> for the fishing question before the prosthetic he was being hurt and uncomfortable. now not so much. that's the big difference for him. >> people ask why bullying persists. it is because of newscasters like that. they ask the ignorant

questions about the marginal is a society. he says how does he know? look in the mirror. look at your two eyes. how lucky are you you are not in an aquarium, sir. >> tom, a waste of money or money well spent on the eyeball? >> well spent to each us all a lesson. we are trying to turn it to the animals. we see bullying does happen in the animal world we should have more bullying among humans. >> are youesaying we should bully the one-eyed men this. >> it teaches you how to be stronger. learning to deal with bullies is one of the first less sons growing up greg. >> there is a guy in fish, the

band, with one eye. >> is that true? >> no, i don't know. there is a one in five chance. >> fish made up of members who were bullied all through summer. >> exactly and now they make zillions. their only good song they ripped off from wean. donna, was this heartwarming, disgusting or a mixture of both heart-gusting. >> i was bullied in school. >> i'm sure you were. >> oh you have no idea. >> were you called ugly duckling? >> jolly green giant. >> that's because your skin was green. >> if you saw the video, the size of the eye of the fish it looks like it was for a cat or dog and not exactly a fish. they may have made it worse.. >> now you are piling it on the poor fish. >> it wasn't great. >> big guy. >> the bigger the better when

it comes to surgery. >> joanne, you always come down with a cogent answer. what if the fish didn't want the eye and he liked it. he may have been the cool fish in the aquarium. >> we are all pretending like fish have a great memory and harbor resentment. they don't. they are all forgetful. or so i have read and then read claims that's not the case. this is survival of the fittest. it is not bullying. these other fish are like, great, there is someone who can't see me. i will get strong and live forever. >> now we are coddling one-eyed fish. that goes against all of science. 24r* are thousands of fish in the sea. there are 12,000, 13,000. almost all of them end up on a dinner plate. why should obama be

impeached? >> for the very reasons we talked about on this show for the last 23 years. >> actually this is disappointing. i expected this from dolphins but not for fish. this isn't bullying. don't call this bullying. this is nature. the aquarium head vet says it is natural to have different species vying for the best space and habitat they are in. that agrees is very, very normal. they are not making a conscious decision to bully fish. >> survival of the fittest by that definition is nothing but a long -- longitudinal specimens like this. in order to get this there had to be a lot of bullying going on over the last 200,000 years since the earth was formed.

>> the reason i like stories like this is it shows how human beings look at everything including fish. i get it with teddy bears. you can -- the fish has no feelings, right? >> that's why i didn't like finding nemo. >> you know the only anthropomorphic fish. >> he had glasses on too right? >> what is wrong with you andy? >> flounder from "the little mermaid." >> don knotts gets married and he is about to be a fish. >> it is his best movie. it is strange. he chooses to be a cartoon

fish over being with this woman. that is a freaking weird choice. >> you are an awful woman if you choose to be aish if. >> she probably killed herself. she probably said what man will want me if don knotts doesn't want me. and then doesn't he meet a fish? >> i will put it in the cue for my kids. >> rut only one. >> what is it called? >> the incredible mr. limpit. >> have you seen this? >> no. >> this is what is wrong with america. they don't understand the classics. this is a classic movie. >> you don't understand it either. you can't remember what happened. >> i remember the joy is gave me and that's all that matters fnlt . i knew this story would be good. we are talking about it for the rest of the show. don't go anywhere. time to take a break. when we come back, separation anxiety from phones. not cool. order it. amazon.com. in the meantime, buy this

one. it is autographs g gutfeld.com.

it is not elective surgery. >> that's what i said. >> a fish could not choose these surgeries. it is not -- >> someone took a vote. >> i mean the fish can't say yes or no unless it is in fish

language and nobody understands that. >> a fish didn't elect obama. they have to suffer. but it wasn't their choice. >> exactly. gills, gills, gills. the retouch was a bit much. high school students at an all girls catholic school in kansas city they received new id's that were drastically photoshoped. one girl said her face was slimmer and face air brushed and eyebrows smoothed out. she was thrilled with the digital picture. >> it was weird. i didn't like how i looked like a totally different person. the one that wasn't photoshoped was better. >> i wish they could air brush out the word like. that's not what she told the off camera. the school's principal claims the alterations were not authorized and, quote we are a school that promotes healthy body images. we strive to make all girls feel empowered. it is photos will be replaced

by the original donna. is there something wrong with this retouching? >> people pay a lot of money. it might most a lot. >> save the big post production on yearbook photo where it actually counts and not the school id. >> that is a good point. itit is a school id. it should be as realistic as possible. it should look like you. that's idiotic. >> i don't think they should have school id's anymore. you don't need the dumb id tag. i used to forget my student id. i never had one. she said she was expecting blemishes, but then shocked. careful what you wish for. why did you want the blemishes retouched. >> needed it. i could have used hocus

pocus. they could have beefed me up a little bit. look at that neck. >> was that before or after you shot up that school? >> come on. i was a good -- >> you just look a little like a loner. >> i am not talking about a car the mechanic gives you. >> my skin was so fair at the time. >> unlike now. >> it was corpsular. is that a word? you look like you are dead. joanne, do you have a photo you can show us? >> i wish they photoshoped mine. >> this is when you had the back brace. >> someone could have air brushed that out for me. >> 10 years down the road you would have wished you kept the photoshoped one. those kids who say i am confident and i don't need

that, that's all of that nonsense these educators are putting in their heads. >> it is poison. it is like throwing cans of tuna at their head. andy. >> yes? >> as the only woman on the panel condemn the photoshops. it is a patriarcal subjugation. the fish didn't elect to have the eye surgery. the students should have had the option to be retouched or photoshoped. it should have been their choice. the thing city don't understand the principal is like, we didn't do this. it wasn't us. we promote healthy body images. the touched up pictures are promoting healthy body images. they say this is what you can look like. >> isn't that mean? >> no. >> and perhaps these girls are ungrateful maybe. >> naturally. that girl thought they should do a little photoshoping, but not the extensive photoshoping they did.

>> you don't do photoshoping on a school id. yearbooks you have to look really good. >> no more school id eats -- id's and you don't need a yearbook. what is it for? >> it is to make money. coming up the nirvana shirt you don't want to tabi. and do you have videos of animals? you can send them to me fox news.com/red eye. i will look at them privately.

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i was speaking of something interesting. tomorrow on the next "red eye" jaime colby. she is going to talk about her new show "strange inheritance" and that is mike baker. >> e block. last story. that's the last story. >> -- "strange inheritance" sounds like a movie with chris caw tan. suicide is in fashion, a tank

top with kurt cobain's suicide note on the back. after they fumed over the tactless tee etsy took it down. a similar shirt is available on ebay and has sold 17 copies. the i bay version has long sleeves so you won't look as sexy wearing it but everyone will think you do heroin. what is point here? >> it is a note from the founding fathers that i like to call the constitution. >> amen. >> that's all i have to say. >> i don't know. who would wear this? >> it is somebody who shops at hot topic. >> you can't wear it ironically? >> it is the guy's last words. >> it is so wrong. it is so long and i don't want guys reading my chest. >> i can see a man coming up to you and treating you like a laptop.

who owns this? how can you do this -- isn't this owned by somebody? those are his last words. nobody copy writes a suicide note. >> i think this is ironic that we have been discussing the sensorship with "charlie hebdo" and people have been giving grief to urban outfitters. if they want their tasteless shirts, do them. i don't like when people wear shirts with big squares. it is course and gross. when i walk down the street i don't like to see it, but i have to see it. suck it up. >> i don't like lots of things. >> especially graphic tees. do you want a conversation about yorl clothes? that's why we are wearing it. i think we should put other celebrity writings on t-shirts like lindsay lohan's hookup list or kirstie alley's food

shopping list and obama -- he didn't write much. >> he has lists. it wouldn't be anything from his book because he didn't write that, america. cogent political thought. you know this is what happens when you die young. people ascribe a whole layer of cool. if he was alive he would be 50 and look like david spade and we don't know what would happen. >> you could wear it -- who said you can't wear it ironically. >> you could wear it as a message look at this dumb note. >> that's not ironic. >> it is not glorifying suicide. that's what irony is. >> you are not wearing the note itself -- >> it is stupid. let's just say it is stupid. let's just say it is stupid. to prove andy is wrong i am going to buy the t-shirt and walk around. they will know i don't support

dumb suicide. >> no pants modeling. i have a whole collection of stuff. i have to go. we have things to do. donna, tom joe, andy, me, bye, later.

e, not uncle sam dictating things. i'm kimberly guilfoyle along with bob beckel, dana perino and. this is "the five." >> tomorrow marks one week since terrorists stormed the offices of "charlie hebdo." the newspaper is coming out with a brand new issue and this is the cover showing the