ferguson police department does remain open. thank you for being with us, everybody, tonight. join me tomorrow morning in america's tonight on "red eye." >> adorable, dancing robots. super cute or super killer? what happens when you feed them after midnight? and does the president think from now on every vice president should be given a giant cowboy hat made of cheese? >> it is not a nice to have. it is a must have. think about that. >> and finally an innocent ball pit forced to share a college dorm room with a total weird owe. none of these stories on "red eye" tonight. and now let's welcome our guest. she is more wasted than her degree in theater.

and that is pretty wasted. i am here with joanne nosuchunsky. and scientists say his voice is the leading cause of unavoided naps. it is not poor choice of sweaters. and the no product placement rule does not apply to his head. it is comedian andrew schulz. i make a joke about his hair and i had to change it on the fly. >> got him. >> and my third favorite mac after truck and big. business is her business. it is tokes business network stocked for, liz mcdonned. she is also the author of "skirting herrasy." a block. the lede. that's the first story. should we care about the air? an nfl investigation apparently found that footballs used by the new

england patriots in the afc championship game were as under inflated as john kerry's face. espn reports 11 of the 12 gameballs were about two pounds light and a source describes the league as being disappointed angry, distraught. well, someone owns a thesaurus. a softer football is considered easier to throw and catch like a baby's head. particularly in the rainy conditions on sunday night at gillette stadium. does it really matter in what was a blowout win for the patriots, or is cheating, cheating, and should they be punished? some are suggesting that bill belichick be suspended from the super bowl. more importantly the media has hamed the story incredibly maturely. >> my first reaction was i was just thrilled to hear any investigation into deflated balls by the nfl that it didn't involve steroids and it

was just about letting air out of an actual football. >> what do you think about softballs. >> having been a receiver, i like a softer ball that's all i can tell you. >> it is 21st century and we still find this funny. >> in more important sports let's check in with ladies' arm wrestling. >> open. open. open. open. >> go.

>> wow. >> amazing. >> i loved it. >> i had forgotten anything that ever came before that video. i didn't know what the story was or what i had for dinner or what i was wearing. that woman is amazing. i think i am in love. judging by your hat you probably watch some kind of football. >> every once in awhile. favorite lacrosse team. >> if they can prove belichick is behind it, can they kick the team off the super bowl thing? >> kick them off of it. they forfeit the super bowl. and the other team, the seahawks seahawks -- here is my feeling. it is actually not even a feeling. it is an old joke i thought would be funny. for a guy who wears armless sweaters he sure has some

tricks up his sleeve, huh? huh guys sph did -- did i knock it out? it is out of here. >> that was very g well done, my friend. >> end of segment. >> let's go to break. all right liz, i don't expect you to have that kind of humor. >> i can only hope. >> clearly they were cheating right? >> you shouldn't break the rules. you don't want a cloud over the super bowl. there is enough with the nfl. it is enough to get gitmo open. water board him and then get the information out of him. kidding. >> are you really? >> i am kidding. really what annoys me more is that this is -- football is turning into like one big video game or troan war -- drone where where they are always trying to out maneuver

each other. >> it is not a sport anymore. it is like a high-tech game of operation. >> battleship. >> battleship, yes. an under rated film. joe, let's talk about the fact that when ever there is a story where balls comes up it is always ha, ha, ha. it is 2015 and we have gay marriage and we have marijuana criminalization. >> in 2015 the ball dropped. you would think we would be hot to the juvenile games. >> i am sick and tired like you can't do the stories like -- >> i won't even humor them by pretending to laugh at them. oh now we are uncomfortable. >> there should be a media no go zone. >> it is annoying.

>> you know what shame on you, nfl for using the honor system by letting these teams in flat their own. what do you expect? >> that's what happens. >> it would have been a good segment. or andy? >> what do you expect. >> go ahead and defend your hero, bill belichick. that's never, ever ever going to happen. i am glad that we are the -- we are trying to be the adults in the room here. i hate predict built. >> you don't like a good ball joke? >> not when it is this obvious. >> a lady in a patriots hat making a ball joke this it is great. >> i find it offensive. >> i find people saying they would have won anyways so it is no big deal if they cheated. you know who would have won but cheated? richard nixon. what i am saying is president obama should be impeached. >> well, you know what, no

matter what you said before i agree completely, whatever punishment should be negated because tom brady is handsome. >> it doesn't work that way. >> he is too looking -- >> that's obama's fall. >> i can't stand this because they would have won they way. it is true but thought how sports is supposed to work. >> if the patriots are going to kill them why cheat? why do you have to go down that road? >> they brought shame to the american revolution. they are called the patriots. i think there are corpses turning in their graves. >> with the redskins names being revoked you revoke it. kidding. >> exactly. i like how she says i'm kidding. >> was there a t-bag joke? >> there could have been.

is it prudent to show hot student? teachers at a canadian university are outraged over a new ad of hot new co-eds. it shows them making out in the library but is it making a fuss about. >> we can make fun of canadian accents. >> love the canadians. >> what is this world coming to? they are not even speaking

english. the president of the school's professor and librarian association calls them apathetic. they say quote, it is selling the university like it is a beer product and it is not that way that you should recruit serious students and people who really want to learn and have good diplomas. good diplomas? the university is standing by the video saying, quote, only nerds go to the library and read. all right. the university made another ad which i felt did go too far. >> i think we have to point out that that is not real. that was not real. that was a parody. liz, this is a good -- is this a good ad this they are just

showing hot people. >> i think it is a great ad, and it is a good reason for the president's new plan to have free college tuition. listen, i love this is canada. they are speaking a french language and doing french kissing. >> that language is arousing even done by plain people. >> is this enough to make you enroll? >> that's why i went to college. i went to uc santa barbara. >> go -- things. >> i think you may know what it is. >> what? >> gouchos. you are probably thinking you bough than gnaws. >> that's santa cruz. >> i visited santa cruz ugly girls. >> it is beautiful. >> i went from santa cruz to san diego. >> and you are such a catch. >> i can still what i like. uc santa barbara were the hottest girls that accepted me to study there.

i avoided ucla. i am all for the ad. i just -- the only problem i have is the school will be 70% dudes and 30% women. >> that may be it. >> what girls are going to the school? >> girls don't need this. they don't need it. all right, joanne, did you go to college for this or did you go to college? >> i did go to college. i know what a waste. if you are shelling out all of the money it is the lifestyle. you are spending four years in the institution and you want it to be a place of good looking people where you could potentially find a husband. that's what you were supposed to do. i think this is great and it is edgy and they should have gone farther. they should have shown two guys making out in the dean's office. >> and interracial and perhaps there should have been a dog. andy, you spent four years in an institution. it wasn't college.

>> no. >> sorry i brought it up on television. do any of these people have a point? >> some do. others don't. as i council a lot of co-eds. one of the things i always tell them is go to the university of moncton and come back and see me again. the school nailed it with the fake quote we used. shut up nerds. of course this is a good commercial. you can have hot people go to your college and it is more important than getting smart people to come. >> the smart people kill go. >> they are not going to that school. there are five good schools. harvard and the other ones. >> if you are smart you do go to the school. >> the school with the moss on the side. >> whatever it is. >> it has moss on the -- >> excuse me. >> i have to say that this

commercial is totally unnecessary. everybody is hot during that age anyway. everybody from 17 to 21 is absolutely hot. >> i had a ponytail. >> did you have a lot of sex in college this. >> let's not get into my personal background. we have to make a point. >> i will say, yes, i did. >> the mac. >> i love you liz. she was mackin. she was getting down to real business. you got your mba in t and a. >> i was a virgin in high school and then college forget about it. >> you blossomed. you were like a flower from one of those lady's paintings. what is happening to me? i want to make a point before i move on. people are getting better looking. each generation is better

looking than the previous one. >> no. >> no, no no. >> you are just getting older. >> your eyes are going. this is the beauty of aging. the world is helping you find more people attractive. >> money makin smells like bacon. they have found a new way to pour more money down the drain. it is the subject of tonight's dsh dash. dash-- dash. >> is this necessary? the scratch and sniff ticket offers a chance to win a thousand bucks which can be used to buy real bacon. does it work? >> smells like bacon. >> i do think it smells like bacon. like fake bacon. >> i am convinced. players will think it is time for saturday morning breakfast and then realize they spent it on the lottery.

>> they will be driving around in a bacon truck handing out free tickets and samples of apple wood smoked bacon. brap >> i think that is david lee roth. andrew, great idea? >> no. >> well actually i don't know. it just confirms my suspicions about the lack of religious diversity of new hampshire. i don't know if it is an attack and clearly it is

white, white. >> no muslims or jews are playing in this. >> i am going to die wondering about all of this. >> it is like bacon around a scallops. i am going to dye trying to figure it out. >> the question is will it make you buy more lottery tickets? i don't know. i found other products. there is a bacon alarm clock. there is bacon air fresh neither and rolling paper. you like bacon-ase. >> what is that? >> bacon mayonaise. >> you love money and bacon. i don't know where the rest of the question goes. >> i will say something then. i don't like when nonfood things smell like food. i can't eat it. it is a tease. do you give it to babies?

>> that's why i don't like babies covered in food. they leave food everywhere and they smell like food. i hate babies. go ahead. >> that's interesting. i do think this is a brilliant idea. so many people misplace their lottery tickets and now you won't. you follow the scent of the bacon. >> people win $12 million and they lost the ticket because it smells like bacon. i hope that wasn't your talking point. >> anything about jews or muslims? >> no, i will just pretend you never said that. it is hurtful. as a bacon eating jew. >> you eat a lot of bacon? >> yes. i said bacon eating jew and not jew eating bacon. a person is guilty of a misdemeanor if he permits gambling or gambles. come by our state sanctioned bacon-scented lottery tickets. you can't have a poker game in

your house or it is a misdemeanor. >> really? >> bacon poker chips. >> but the state will sell you lottery tickets and flaser -- flavor them with bacon. >> that's government. as long as we can tax it or make money. >> thank you for saying my point. >> is weed legal in new hampshire? >> i don't know. >> it would make a lot of sense. then they eat the lottery ticket. they are getting something. >> coming up. sill be puddy, dangerous stoi? what is the best part of the state of the union? obviously the orgy afterwards at dick morris' house.

they would rather wait than legislate. members of congress show up hours before the state of the union to claim a spot along the president's entrance route. these aisle hogs want to president's hand or take a selfie or just be seen in his presence. he has been doing it for years. he arrives 10 to 12 hours and it is a great use of his time. i was born with an extra toe. here is the highlight fan of highlights. >> i have no more campaigns to run. my only agenda -- [applause]. i know because i won both of them. >> there you go. that was pretty good.

3out the speech -- throughout the speech john boehner tried to hide his contempt for obama. they put together a montage of his faces. >> all of the grit required to come back. instead of getting dragged into another ground war in the middle east we are leading a broad coalition including arab nations. man and woman young and old latino asian, i have no more campaigns to run. [applause]. i know because i won both of them. there is good news people. >> you know who he is? don draper. the washington version. >> not as good looking. >> the principal from "boy

meets world" that's what he looks like. >> he is my dream dad. liz, waiting for hours to get a selfie? that's pathetic. >> they acted like 12-year-old girls at a bar mitzvah. the president says i won -- i have heard better put downs on a poetry slam. i thought it was lame. >> andrew, i have to say that i thought he had planned that the set up that dragged the republicans in with the set up and nailed them. i thought it was artist re. >> i don't think he planned it, but they time you slam a heckler, that's what goes viral. you do the most genius joke and put it on youtube and no one cares. if you tell a heckler to jump in front of a bus. you say he put bus and human together! >> i'm sure it put a tingle

down chris matthews' leg. >> that's usually urine. >> joanne, would you wait for hours to take a selfie with the president? i'm sure you would for a celebrity like a jonas brother. >> he asked me for the photo by the way. i consider celebrities to be my equals. that sounds awful. i go hey, we don't know each other, but we should. it is weird. >> that's because you are a hot girl. hot girls are celebrities. >> they stop you in the street and tell you to smile. >> i would want an aisle seat and short wasted. if i have all of these people in front of me i can't see boehner's faces and that's the best part. or if at the end you get to leave sooner. >> you have been on the show for a year and you mentioned you are short wasted. >> what does it mean? it doesn't mean anything. >> it is when i am drunk.

i am short wasted. >> i am confused by short wasted. >> i have longer legs and a shorter torso. >> that's a humble way of saying i have long legs. >> beautiful humble brag. >> i have a beautiful body that is hard to see over people. i am confused. i want to know why john boehner looks like a home depot apron. >> why is that? >> you know what, i think he is outside a lot. he likes his wine. what do you make of the president's speech or anything perhaps? >> i guess i should have watched it. if the state of the union is second to the iowa straw poll, the media goes nuts. >> nothing gets done and if it did it would have been for the last 20 years. i turned it on toward the

end. i think it was a great plan to ad-lib. i caught his lecture on treating them with respect. that was fun. these congress people who sit there all day that's an interesting look at their pax -- taxpayer salary. do you want to see the guy whose salary you are paying sitting in a seat. >> you know what is good about it they are not doing anything with your money. i would like to have them sit there all year. they would have to eat there and poop there. >> i am a little annoyed at something joanne said. >> short wasted? >> you are not the equal. celebrities are better than you. they are better than us. it is high time -- >> i woll keep this in mind five years down the road. i will remember who is good to

me and you won't be invited on my private plane. >> i guess you will be one of the mouse wives show. >> five years from now you won't remember much of anything. >> probably not. >> coming up an act that sends you a text from an invisible boyfriend. first, a word from our sponsor. >> tonight's sponsor is recorder recording. it has 27 hours of your favorite hits. rerecording the least favorite instrument. the recorder. recorder recordings available on recorder records.

andrew, i forgot to tell you, i found out that the state of the union speech the language, was actually set at a 10th grade level. >> that makes sense. >> why? >> by 11th grade the teachers are sleeping with the students and not paying attention in class. >> pow pay a -- would you pay a small fee for a private place to pee? a new app, short for application, lets people rent out their bathrooms to complete strangers in the immediate area. it is called air p and p. it launched in new orleans

after officials outlawed port-a-potties on the parade route of mar mardi gras. it shows the nearby residences and the price to use the toilet. you pick one and the owner gets a call from the app which is short for application. you can rate your experience provided you were not murdered 6789 said -- said one woman, we would prefer peers to poopers. >> unless you are jim norton. and people will not be questioned what they need the bathroom for. the creators get a small percentage on every transaction which is genius. they don't have to lend their bathroom out. who will get rich off this besides them? >> that's a good question. i love in a story that there is a term called a loan shark a toilet shark. i think this could take off. as you go to san francisco and you try to go to the bathroom in the restaurant, no

restaurant in san francisco will let you go in there. they shut it down. >> it is because of the homeless issues? >> i don't know. i tried honestly. this will help out starbucks. >> you have a reputation. >> everybody knows that now. this will help starbucks who should charge. >> the lines are so long. it is great you get the coffee and it gets everything working and then you get this lown. >> appreciate the details. >> i think this is genius. until someone starts videotaping people and putting it on the internet. >> that's great. i didn't think about that. a you stream. it is a you stream. i thought it was silly because there are people like me -- i will poop anywhere. i will literally clean the bowl at the port authority and then cheat the i bowl.

i am a realist. >> i am not even sure where i am going, joanne. i am sorry to bring you into this conversation because women don't go to the bathroom. is this going to be successful? by the way, interesting point. people can make 20 bucks off of this. would you do that if you knew you were making 20 bucks lending a stranger your bathroom? >> no. i worry about what i will find when they leave. a clogged toilet or take feces and smear it on the wall. and i hate cleaning my bathroom. i don't know how you would make a lot of money. and the nicest bathrooms are in the nicest apartments and those people aren't concerned about making an extra buck. they are not going into nice bathrooms. >> it would be great if it was a crappy apartment and then a

great apartment. he was known throughout the city go to stinky al's. >> and he was picky. >> technically i am not unemployed because i am a bathroom attendant. >> you are talking about branding your bathroom. you called it stinky al's. >> i want the bathroom with the guy that offers the chiclets. >> paper towel? >> turns the water on for you. >> if that was in your apart meant you could be that person and drive them crazy. andy, you started a similar website in the 90s and it had to be shutdown. something bad is going to happen. >> apparently it is illegal to do this without a license and watch. >> you can make a profit. >> i know, greg. >> i don't even know what i was saying. >> say something off your list

of talking points. >> i wasn't on my list of talking points. this is called a conversation. >> i don't think i like this. >> do you like the idea or not? >> i do thought like the idea. >> and why? >> i think it is poopy. >> you are definitely on a roll. >> i would never use it and i would never offer it. therefore i think it is stupid. >> i find it appalling and repugnant. it is very vulgar. >> soon you will be flush with cash. >> you know what is interesting to me? i will make some points. i don't think you can make a lot of money off of this. it is for low income people. you walk in and it will turn into something else, whether it is drugs or pornography.

people will come into the bathroom and you have to hide your prescription medication and you will have people like me who will take your medicine. >> the bottom line is i don't want strangers pooping in my house. >> that's the bottom line. >> it is the bottom line. >> that's the bottom line. >> that would be the name of my toilet. >> that's clever. >> i did an a-block with ball puns. >> it doesn't get old. >> no matter how much we evolve we will always laugh at poop. it is one thing we can't cure. >> i'm working on it. >> coming up, the cannibal cop is hungry for love. "not cool" order it.

you could be mr. right if you ignore his appetite. the exnypd officer was released after his plot to kill and eat women. they say it was more like a

can of bull. now he is looking for a nonjudgmental lady. the new york post found his match.com profile which brags about his good grammar and sense of humor. he enjoys cooking and no surprise there. the valet reassures women, quote, i am spending my thjs rebuilding my past and life. he was married once. it is good enough for me. doesn't everybody deserve a second chance? >> he did not disclose. i don't want to steal joanne's thunder -- >> go for it. >> his profile has been taken down from match.com. he can show up on other sites too. this was really a bad guy. i don't want to be a buzz kill but ew. >> i don't know. do you think he will get many dates? >> was he convicted of anything?

>> they let him go. >> this is the year women lowered their standards. there was the guy good looking in california and was arrested for gun charges. the handsome fellow. and the guy from wal-mart and the girls who loved him. >> the girl who married charles manso. >> he wears turtle necks. he is a turtle neck finatic. >> i call that robert culp-itis. >> you can say he is cul -- culpable. >> we gave up. we went down and dark. >> shouldn't we have retired it when steve jobs died? just hung it in an apple store like a jersey? >> good point. joanne -- i guess it is not a fake account because it is not

shutdown. >> we don't know if it was his. the thork post asked him to comment and he said i don't know what this is and he denied knowing it. 2 could have been someone pretending. that said, i don't know. maybe they should have got rid of his profile. >> eon he is going to call you. >> are we saying women can't make their own decisions? >> i like to think we can. >> nobody said he drinks an ab -- somebody said he drinks an abnormal amount of coffee. >> that is admitting a flaw that is harmless. you say i drink too much coffee. >> and he cares too much. >> i love pets. >> girls will love him because

it is equal to being famous. a woman can say oh, remember the cannibal guy? >> and important to remember, women be crazy. >> he was quite a looker. >> he has a curfew. like he has a state appointed curfew. dating someone with a curfew, that is like ideal. >> it is. >> that's like amazing. >> i wish you could stay over. espn goes on. >> that's why people married charles mann son because you know where he is. just be aware if he says he wants to start a family. coming up, the worst pass words ever. and do you have videos of animals? send them to us. fox news.com/red eye.

look who is coming up tomorrow on the next "red eye." on your left that 1* dagin

mcdowell and on your right how did he get there sherrod small. >> e block. last story. that's the last story. >> before i get to the next story it is important to watch a little more arm wries -- arm wrestling. >> oh my good -- goodness. i am in love with her. i am going to find her and she is going to be my best friend. >> you should arm wrestle her. >> you can see me cry. >> and then you can say i lost because i am short wasted. >> she is going to laugh at your short wastedness. >> are you secure -- are you sure you are secure?

>> a list of the 25 worst pass words have been released and it couldn't be they more listier. splash data, which sounds like the poop company, looked at 3.3 million pass words that were leaked last week. it seems biased and found the most popular was 1, 2 3 -- 123456. and number two was pass word. and another awful one included dragon which seems -- why? michael? let me in and superman which happens to be my nickname at the club. the best pat word to have is greg gutfeld has awesome quads. no one has that except for me. when somebody has pass words like that, do they deserve being hacked? >> no.

>> and you don't have to get hacked. the key is don't become successful in life. . you can have the easiest pass word, but don't be meaningful. if you do anything that is important, they will find a way to get in. >> it is a function of success. >> if you are poor, you know who gets you? the government. with lotto tickets that smell like bacon. they hack your desires and your computer. i'm sure you have done this as a business expert. i love the business look you are giving me. >> have you ever used a business pass word like this? >> no. you use an acro anymore -- acronym and a number. that's what the experts say is

the best foolproof way. >> what is an acronym? >> the first letter of the word in each sentence. >> what if it spells out a word. >> you use digits. >> how often do you change your pass word? you put it on a post-it note and you write new pass word. >> i am very forgetful and i lose things so i am constantly forgetting my pass word and i need to write it on a post-it. i need to put it on my computer and i just hope i work with good people who won't take advantage of that. >> you know what her past word is? i am short wasted. >> actually i read an article. you type the pass word so many times a day you should make it

an affirmation. you type something you want to accomplish. i will quit smoking and you can man manifest it. >> i will tweez my eyebrows. >> what do you have push broom eyebrows? >> the key is to not use pass words like 123456. try 123457. that and the other thing is you have to substitute numbers for letters. if your pass word is short people suck. replace the o's with zeros and replace the i with a three. most people will type short people -- by thanking it it -- >> it was random. >> nothing you ever do is

random. your ugly sweater isn't random. >> it was absolutely. >> joanne andrew, andy, liz me. goodbye. that was a fun show. mike mike mike mike mike! >>mike mike mike mike mike. hey! he knows! hey! guess what day it is! hey! camel! guess what day it is! >>it's not even wednesday. let it go, phil. if you're a camel, you put up with this all the time. it's what you do. (sigh) if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. ok...

that is fine. i care for you. i don't want this to happen to you. >> hello everyone. i'm dana parrino. it's 5:00 in new york city and this is "the five." president obama laid out a wide ranging agenda during his sixth state of the union address last night in remarks some say may further strain relations between him and a gop control congress. the >> my plan would make child care more available for every middle class and low income family with