everywhere, will live their lives the way they choose, no matter what. tell me about it. >> coming up on "red eye" has the government invented a popcorn flavor that can erase the last three seconds of your memory? if you can't remember what i just said, you are eating it right now. and has the president located the world's deadliest spy known only by the code name steve? >> where is steve? i know i saw him. you are not steve. there he is right there. thank you. god bries you. dodd -- god bless the united states of america. >> and finally an evil bottle of water. scaring the crap out of an innocent bulldog puppy. we have the epic conclusion to this standoff next! none of these stories on "red eye" tonight. >> and now let's welcome our very special guest.

she has a silver tongue coated with peanut butter. her accent is thicker than michael moore's abdominal fat pad. that's below the belly button. i am here with imus in the morning. she loves jack, jim and johnny. jose gives her a warm, fuzzy feeling. it is joanne nosuchunsky. she is an alcoholic. i would like to welcome a first time guest. he is the publisher of "the federal list." if you haven't read it it is quite nice. editor-in-chief of the city which is a paper and not an actual town. and he is louder than lady gaga's tour cos piewms. probably -- costumes. actor and comedian sherrod small. >> i -- # red eye. welcome ben. >> a block. the lede. that's the first.

>> so nice you welcome the first time guest. you make people feel at home as you rob their home. >> stay as long as you want. >> he can't be sated until every ball is deflated. tom brady admitted to cheating and forfeited the super bowl. bill belichick pled innocence and i take the convicted cheater at his word. >> i came in monday morning i was shocked to learn of the news reports about the footballs. i had no knowledge of the situation until monday morning. >> it must have been tom brady's fault. >> i didn't alter the ball in anyway. i had no knowledge of any wrongdoing. >> you can say nobody did anything? >> i am comfortable saying that. i don't though over the course

of the process what happened to the footballs. >> he has a giant football head. are things going to be fine? >> things are going to be fine. this isn't isis. this isn't -- no one is dying. we will get through this. >> will we? so no one is to blame and it is not a big deal. i guess all that is left is to take some belichick and brady quotes out of context. >> the balls we practice with are as bad as they can be. wet, sticky, cold, slippery. when i take those balls out at that point to me they are perfect. i don't want anyone touching the balls after that. i don't want anyone rubbing them. >> speak for yourself. >> deflated balls, do they help the quarterback? let's look at the game footage from sunday.

well that was not clever. sherrod, would this be a bigger scandal if the quarterback was not so gorgeous? >> he is a happened so -- handsome man. if there is anyone to kiss, it is tom brady. you smooch him. >> do you think he cheated? >> you know he did. he is guilty in 2009 or 2007. i didn't know that peyton manning and tom brady got the rules changed in 2006 because the home team used to take care of the footballs for each team. those two quarterbacks went to the league and got the rules changed where they can bring their own football. a long-term [bleep]. oh. it is a long of h term hustle. >> it is a long-term hustle. i want to go to you ben but i am not. you are wearing a box shirt. i will go to dagen and then to

you. dagen, is the real reason people care about this story is they gambled on the game and they want their money back? >> no because everybody hates the patriots, right? everybody except those people who say they are patriot fans. they are cheater and now they are liars. i mean with the hat that tom brady was wearing coming close to a clan -- a klan hat. looking at bill belichick would you even get on a tilt-a-whirl operated by a guy looking like that? hell no. i am tired of the ball talk. i am tired of the ball talk. >> we are all tired of the ball talk, and we have no ball puns and we didn't have them yesterday. i admire that you will bring that up. ben, your turn. you look at a guy like belichick and i do feel like

it was saying something on his part that gives them deference about their balls. the problem is more what you were saying. i care about this because of the gambling side of things. it totally screws up everything related to the game. are these players going to be answering questions about balls and not practice? that's what i care about. >> interesting point. >> right before the super bowl, super bowl weekend with the media they got a lot of time to fill with nonsense questions. we are going to talk about this ball so much more you don't even know. >> i want to bring in joanne even though she knows nothing about sports. ball boys robert the -- aren't the people who know what is going on ball boys? >> it is the hugest scandal the nfl has faced. we aren't making a big enough deal about this. the ball boys we think they are so innocent, the mascots too. they are in on it. game officials, yes, how official are they? not very obviously.

>> why do you not think there are ball girls because they don't have scrotum? >> why? i am moving on now. >> come on. >> these are grown men and women who got these jobs. they are not kids running around -- they are with their families. it is a grown man job. >> anytime you meet somebody in the street named dick don't you just kind of laugh in their face? >> all right. you proved that point. >> they have to be punchy and crunchy. doritos asked for 30-second ads to air during the super bowl. they have to be bold action-packed funny and something never seen before. 10 finalists have been announced and one grand prize winner which you can vote for on the website will get $1 million and a job at universal pictures. here in my opinion is the best one and it involves

flatulence. >> the winner gets a scholarship. >> and the loser gets free doritos. >> etimology. >> psychology. >> photosynthesis. >> poipu. >> q-i -- pee of you. >> alex, you are the winner. >> i don't think that will air. here is another one. >> dad, can we have some doritos? >> i don't think i can reach that far. i guess i have to eat them all myself. oh man, i'm getting pulled over. >> mom, dad is going to be a little late.

>> he spent two weeks on the video. i hope we make the finals. i doubt we will. all right ben, i think the ad with the girl breaking wind is earth breaking. >> okay. >> earth breaking? i mean ground breaking and earth shattering. i don't think it will make it because we still have a barrier barrier -- we still have a problem with women and flatulence. >> do we really? we haven't progressed? >> that is one area where we are still in the dark ages. >> at least maybe i come from

a little too much of a nascar culture. i was born in mississippi so i have to admit. i mean girls, come on. it is unfair to let guys have the flatulence. >> i want the ad where it illustrates the gastrointestinal stress. >> you can never have a mcdonald's commercial. the moment you bite into it you would run. >> joanne does cramping really well in terms of acting. >> nailed it. nailed that. >> that's an interesting pose. sherrod, which ad do you like? >> they were both really good. >> you weren't even listening. >> they don't show enough commercials at home. you would have thought playing commercials during the show? i know what you are up to. >> you are absolutely right. i am tired of the whole let's preview the super bowl ads that we are previewing for free. >> for free. >> but that's why i chose

those ads. no one will see them. >> the doritos? >> i don't think they will show those ones. i chose those. >> and girls fart. >> no, they don't. >> if your date is farting in front of you they are not keeping it real. >> you can't control it in your sleep boo. they just let go. 3:00, 4:00 a.m. somebody is moving furniture. >> that is beautiful. maybe they are moving furniture. sometimes i get up. i like to wake up with a whole different layout. it is like being in a new apartment. >> it is like a hotel. >> i move the bed. i move everything. it is bad because my wife is blind. no, i'm kidding. joanne, i don't even know if i have a question for you in i more. i will just say -- no i won't ask you that question because that was from the previous story. >> it might still work. >> who do you think should

win? >> definitely not the spelling bee one. that's awful. again they decided to have a white boy win. white men are always winning in this society and this would never happen in our schools. doritos are not allowed in public schools in america thanks to the administration. >> that is so true. >> angry conservative woman. >> and where was the angry asian parents? i do not accept loser. i nailed it. >> i am a huge loser. sneezing into the bags of doritos, that one is real because i do that. i sneezed on food to keep people from eating it. i got a snicker's bar and you start looking at it and i'm doing this with it. >> it makes me want it more. >> there is a whole website devoted to it.

it is run by the government actually. >> is the end nye or just a lie? they say we are getting closer to doomsday. on thursday the advocacy group moved their favorite clock ahead two minutes. here is the executive director. >> world leaders have failed to act on the scale required to protect citizens from potential catastrophe. the failures of leadership endanger every person on earth. this is about doomsday. this is about the end of civil ization as we know it. i don't know if he is trying to be sarcastic. one said quote, they will have to find a new source of doom ie, global warming

because global thermal nuclear war is unlikely and it points to another sign the world is ending when the owls go to war with the cats. >> andy will be mad when he finds out we did this when he was president here. sometimes he will dress up as an owl and attack the cat. you know how it ends? they make up. the funny thing about this is because there is no more nuclear war the so-called scientists have to shift to global warming because they don't have the apocalypse. >> if you will add global warming you have to add the other things destroying the

planet olive garden matt lauer. everyone has their own personal doomsday. mine is having papa john. >> what is that? >> papa john, the papa john's ads. >> i miss interpreted it. i thought it was a guy you were talking about. >> he is the guy who has the papa john's pizza. >> is it papa john? >> i will bring it back for you. >> do you buy this panic? >> first of all this is white people voodoo with your -- look around. earth is a mess. >> it is three minutes to midnight. >> you go to the harvard campus and start pounding nerds. it can get people to sleep, but does it mean anything? at the beginning of the day -- >> thank you for changing the

cliche. this is another way of inserting global warming into the dialogue. >> we need to make them do something. from my perspective there are so many things that could go wrong in the next year or so. the last time hillary clinton lost the democratic nome -- nomination everything healed. maybe if it happens again they can move the clock back. >> i hope so. i don't know. they were warning of an imminent nuclear disaster since five years before you were born. it has bt -- it hasn't happened yet. >> we can't really define doom. >> oh! >> and we can't define time. why are we trying to quantify those things that are nonquantifiable?

the only thing is if there is an actual doomsday i am not really looking forward to it because of the doomsday parties. it will be like santa-con like st. patrick's day parade times -- >> all of those peoples afraid of driving in the rain will stay home. >> i would choose meteor death. >> it is a fat way to go. i want to rip off the bandaid of life. before we go to break -- that's a nice poem. it is time for a new segment and we will call it -- >> way to go paul. oh my goodness. in tonight's edition of way to go paul we visit a youth hockey center somewhere. >> get the wheels on the bus.

>> way to go, paul. >> i don't know if you heard that. one more time please. >> get the puck. >> get the wheels on the bus. >> way to go, paul. >> way to go, paul. >> you know what, there will only be one episode. in order to do this we have to find a guy that screws up whose name is paul. >> paul mccurio. we got one. >> this has been another edition of way to go, paul. >> we got a paul. >> if your name is paul and you screw up somewhere and it is on tape please send it to us and make sure there is somebody nearby saying way to go paul. you have to screw up. your name has to be paul and

somebody has to say, way to go, paul. i don't want you to do anything deadly ordaining russ, because that -- dangerous. >> if you are grown why not? risk it. >> you are a terrible person. coming up, who stole my stuff? find out in sherrod's new book greg, i stole yo stuff. it is what i do. i'm sherrod. give me my own show. >> it is a pop up. your stuff is in the book. >> a woman stops wearing leggings. she is cute. join the club, sister.nnouncer: get

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ennar fuzz mike troober munny sling... awwwwww scram! i'm crust mike jubby roll bond chow gonna lean up an kiss bet. peas charty get town down. [laughter] ♪ borf a liver tute face stummy wag ♪ pow pam sha-beeps stella nerf berms. saxa-nay nay? badumps a head. temexiss gurrin. juppa left. fluppa jown! brone a brood. what? catch up on what everyone's talking about with the x1 entertainment operating system. preloaded with the latest episodes of the top 100 shows. only from xfinity. she is taking a stance against yoga pants. yes, it is yet another chapter in the -- >> war on leggings.

>> she wanted to do it before "fox and friends" got uh hold of it. she is honoring god by hiding her bod. veronica partridge said she would not wear leggings in public. she said when women wear them it is a stronger attraction for a man to look at a woman's body and may cause them to think lustful thoughts. if it is difficult for my husband who loves, honors and respects me to keep his eyes ahead, how difficult is it for a man without the same self-control? >> sherrod. >> speaking of no self-control, let's check in with andy levey at the convention he went to.

i have to pay andy more. he hospital have to be working like that. it is so sad. you know, i have to put his salary in the budget this time. i am going to come out and say i don't like the leggings thing. i will go to you. >> what is wrong with you? stop trying to be fox's dude. you like them. >> i talked about this. at the airport i see every woman's curves i docht -- i don't ask to see. if you can't wear it to work don't wear it at the airport. >> turn away. >> yoga pants are the work of the devil. louisiana lemon are the -- lululemon are at the gates of hell. women who wear yoga pants don't do yoga. they are in scooters getting from pointa to b.

your ass looks like a pillowcase full of tapioca. stop wearing them. >> i want to shame these girls for not doing yoga and showing me their booty. listen, this woman is dumb. she is not going to wear them because they distract your husband? your husband will be looking at every woman but you. there are still yoga pants out there. >> i think she is a hero. >> she is dumb as a bag of snails. >> joanne? you are a woman. >> i want for simpler times when women wore pearls and white gloves and men always paid for the check. we don't live in that world, and i can only wear yoga pants for so many more years, so by god i'm gonna wear them. >> wear em, wear em. nobody? >> i happen to believe -- i believe the less you see -- the less you see the more

attractive one is. >> you are turning into an old man. man, when did you turn old? when did you turn into lou daabs. >> i am old. i am 50. >> you are not old enough to not appreciate some firm youngness running around. >> why did i do this topic? let ben talk. >> i feel like these women have gotten together and said let's agree that we will wear this thing outside we were never able to wear before, but we will agree to judge women who wear those things to certain places where we think it is inappropriate. >> it is just war on women by women. >> that's true. women wear this stuff and then shame the women who wear this stuff. my problem is i don't care. i don't care. but i can't -- i am noticing when i am at the airport that my theory is you shouldn't wear stuff to the airport you wouldn't wear at work. >> no, that's -- what did you -- is this 1945? who goes in the airport in a three-piece suit? >> i do. >> stop it. >> if you have firm youngness

to show off you are wearing a skirt and short shorts. >> not always. they get lazy. >> people wrairing yoga pants think they are covering up, and they are not. >> not always. >> let me ask you this rod, what if men wore leggings. do you have a problem with that? >> go for it. i will take a peek every now and then. minded. that boy has got it. >> you truly are a progressive young man. >> i'll take a peek. >> he addresses the left and right. >> he has a little 2pac in him. >> what does that mean? we have to take a break. coming up, imaginary boyfriends, are they better than the real thing? if the real thing is sherrod, absolutely. yes, i am coming after you. you make me sick. first, a word from our sponsor. >> tonight's sponsor is chicken fingers. we are tired of restaurants calling chicken cutletts

chicken fingers. eat up america. thanks chicken fingers.

they will never know your bo is fo. an app, short for application helps your fake boyfriend and

girlfriend. you craft a story about how you met your pretend friend and show a list of real photos submitted by other users. the founder says the app could be used for instance to stop unwanted advances from a co-worker, joanne. and, quote, imagine you got conservative grandparents in the bible belt. this is not a stereo type. who can't believe they may be gay or lesbian. >> black. >> basically what they are saying is if you are gay, stay in the closet and make a fake relationship. isn't that backward? >> yes, it is backward. this app is total bs. you know why? it is a crutch for bad liars. and two, it might cost prostitutes and escorts their job. prostitute at a wedding? who doesn't -- who hasn't done

that. shopping at victoria's secret. >> a julia robert's movie. >> never saw "pretty woman." >> are you missing out. >> really? >> it is good. >> i hear it is romantic. it shows that you can change a man and you can end up with one who has a lot of money. >> he needed to be the one who changed, not the prostitute. >> that's true. you may have gonna rhea. >> i didn't see the damn movie. i feel left out. sherrod, what if you meet a girl who has a boyfriend and but there is doubt. you have to stalk her. >> i don't care if she has a boyfriend. i will take him out. camera one. anyhoo you can only pick your boyfriend from the other losers signing up for it.

you already don't have a boyfriend and i have to take the losers out of a bucket of number. it i'm glad i know this. >> isn't this app packaging the uva scandal in like a new technologically forward thinking way? you don't have to do the work yourself. >> why use them for this? >> the thing i want to know is do you have to pay more or less for a more psychotic boyfriend or girlfriend? if you upgrade to this we will give you the channing day tunnel package -- channing tatum package. >> or celebrity ufc fighter. >> and when it is time to have sex with them, do you have sex with your phone? how does this work. >> why do you have to take a story and lower it? why can't you elevate it like we do on other shows? joanne, i want to hear your

opinion. >> he is five and out right now. >> since when are relationships available? everyone wants to be in one. they want to tell mom and dad about it. it is so much better being alone. yes, you may be lonely at night and you don't get the text with the winking faces, but you wake up with your dignity. i knew dig gnaw -- dignity, dignity jenkins. >> how ironic dignity was a stripper. >> and she had cold feet. >> she was a good girl. >> by the way, think how long jan brady could have fooled her family with this app. remember george glass? >> the first thing people want to do is meet them. when do we get to meet the mystery person. >> i guess it proves my point that prostitutes and escorts

will have jobs. >> let's move on. she used google to search for her own kids. actress and my bridge partner mia farrow wanted to wish her daughter, quincy, a happy 21st birthday so she tweeted out this picture -- >> quincy doesn't live at the house? >> quincy along with her congratulations. mia failed to notice the top of the tweet revealed how she found the pictures. she googled the phrase mia farrow and her black children. the tweet was quickly deleted and replaced with a cropped image seen here. 2 wasn't the first time she messed up. she sent the tweet out for ronin's birthday. we kid. >> so cruel, but true. >> is this how you find pictures of your kids. >> social media gets me to them. >> what is the lesson?

>> know where your kids are. >> no, don't take pictures of things. don't take pictures -- a lot of people take pictures -- >> that's a problem for you? >> on ebay a picture -- somebody will take a picture of a tea pot they are selling to put up on ebay and they forget they are naked when they are taking the picture. and then the reflection of them naked is in the picture. that has happened so many times to me that i don't sell tea pots anymore. >> that's an entire fetish community around naked reflections in tea pots. >> my tea pot .org. i understand what she was doing. she was in a hurry and needed to find a picture. but you forget you have to look at everything in the area. >> we are being too hard on her. it is totally real, but at least she remembered her kid's birthday, even if she couldn't

remember her kid's name. and she wanted to be specific. she has many kids. or at least two. i don't know how many. >> you round them up on social media. show me my puerto rican qidz. >> i i think she found out it was her daughter's birthday because she was surfing for her and seeing what she is up to. it is my daughter's birthday. she has 15 kids. four are biological. the rest adopted and two passed away. she has 13 living kids. >> she is a great lady. my point again is you have to be careful when you are taking pictures these days. >> stop being angry, grumpy old man. >> i am defending her. >> in a grumpy old man way. >> in the long list of weird things that have happened to mia farrow's children this does not enter into flying. into anything. >> this is nothing. >> woody could have dated a black daughter too? fascinating.

>> got to take a break. fried chicken when we come back. >> look at this. it is a book. it is not cool. order it. you want an autographed copy? go to g gutfeld.com.

would their menu offend you? the menu featured fried chicken, collared greens and pecan pie. it makes us wonder -- >> is this racist? >> kinda. >> he tweeted a picture of the $24 deal which is a great great buy. with the caption this is what borgata is serving. #, is it racist? the restaurant responding and the two other outraged individuals. you only need three tweets. >> more than enough. the menu was put together by the manager who just happens to be black. the manager has done research in determining that those were his favorites. they claimed they were just trying to honor king, but they wouldn't say that wouldn't they sherrod? i go to you first for obvious

reasons. is this racist or delicious? >> i don't know if it is racist. it is definitely delicious. if you come early for the lunch, your lunch will be free at last, free at last. thank god all mighty, it is free at last. >> it was a black woman trying to do the right thing. >> she was trying to do the white thing at her white people job. >> because she has a good job it is a white people's job? >> she has a white boss it makes it a white people job. learn the streets. >> i hope she does president read books -- she doesn't read books because she may have a white professor. >> shut up, greg. i think it was a -- you should do something else other than change the menu. if it was accompanied by something else or you donated

money. >> they did have blackjack. >> wow. do something else. this was a company with other stuff. you just phone something in. give them chicken. >> fair enough. i think he is wrong. >> it would be more offensive if they served fried pea thut butter and bough -- peanut butter and bananas. >> way to work in a sexual profanity into a story that has nothing to do with it. >> i have been sitting over here rea >> if this is quiet. >> you said pecan pie and that means penis to me. >> could they have picked a better way to honor mlk? >> maybe. fried chicken is delicious. >> my favorite food. >> if your aim was to make a super racist meal though

couldn't they have done it better? didn't they half ass it? >> i could have done it up. >> what would you have added? guy a -- >> a soup. >> that's mean spirited. >> twiter says what would be in it? >> love. >> a lot of love. potatoes. you like potatoes. >> you hang out there waiting for strange men. >> i am a jersey girl. we like to go to -- we call it ac which stands for atlantic city. a lot of people get confused by this. >> they think it means air conditioning. >> i do an all liquid diet so i would have appreciated a special that should not only be on mlk day but all holidays. it is two for one drinks.

>> does it remind you of the old man -- >> he needs to save for retirement. >> remember he has a wife and a family. >> i worry about them. >> two more rum and cokes. guy amen, sister. >> all right. before we go if a black manager was involved and it was a white pc liberal they wouldn't have had type of ethnic food right? if it was a white liberal pc manager of a restaurant they would have stayed far away from this, correct? >> if he made the menu? >> yes. >> they would have lied. >> they would have said we can't have fried chicken. we can't have collared greens.

it would be -- >> chicken and kale. >> let's have an episode of chopped. >> i don't like chopped. i don't like the way it is set up. they bring a box filled with weird crap. >> how can you make anything with a finger? >> how do you not, greg? >> coming up perhaps the greatest tantrum ever may look normal, but if you have video of animals you can send them to us. fox news.com/red eye. and if your name is paul and you are in it with a video that's even better.

e block. last story. that's the last story. >> it is the last story. and you know long the segment

is? 4:20. >> spark em up at home. blaze em. >> she was not merry after missing the ferry. a canadian woman was late to catch a boat by five minutes. and it wouldn't make an exception and it let -- they didn't let her on. she handled it the opposite of quite well. >> i don't care. you have no idea. [yelling]. >> i'm totally with her.

the video was up loaded and she was spotted and it has 8 billion views. we can make fun of her but we have all been there. >> these workers and employees, they are a bunch of jerks. it is new year's eve. there is one lady with a bag. just let her on. who cares? >> that was quite a tantrum. >> was it full? was it sold out? one lady. they are laughing as she leaves. everybody should be fired. you don't want that reputation for your business. >> interesting point of view. >> that is 10 people at every mcdonalds in new york city when they found out they just stopped serving breakfast. >> that's so true. i have been there at 11:12 a.m. there is no breakfast. it is just sitting right over there. >> you are throwing a tantrum the right way.

i will throw classes on how to properly lose your [bleep] in public. you have to bring the voice down and kick stuff over. she has a good bag to start swinging at the guy filming her. >> advocating violence. >> do it with ella against. >> i feel bad for the lady because i feel i have been there. >> i feel like i have been there too a couple times at the dmv. but there is something to be said for a canadian expressing themselves. i thought a canadian tantrum this would be a long series of people saying no, you go first. i do like the idea. we need more effective tantrums. >> it is hard. joanne you react this way if a bar extender cuts you -- if a bartender cuts you off. >> she probably didn't have her tim horton's coffee.

>> new york has turned me into a calmer person. i let more things go when it comes to like public transportation. >> if it involves other people, that's when i get angry. it is weird that a canadian would not be polite to a earn p's face. if she is cursing the ferry, that's one thing. but i don't like that being mean to other people. >> she should have given somebody a nice old-fashioned donkey punch. >> no matter what happens there are people taping you. we are in a surveillance society. i love the nsa. they are doing great work. it is the civilians who want to make a fool of you. it is the other people, out there.

they are destroying you. >> thank god andy isn't here. >> that's why i did this. last battle

of the cold war hosted by bret baier. see you saturday. >> today the united states of america is changing its relationship with the people of cuba. 50 years as cold war enemies ended just like. that >> cuba is just one more example of saving dictators who are on their knees. our shift in the cuba policy stops it is legend of destrust. >> that is cold comfort for those who suffer as a result of castro. every time you complain about the living conditions in the prison you are assaulted and punished. >> there is