30 p.m. eastern. if you can't watch live use your dvr and follow me on twitter at the handle @greta. up next the o'reilly factor. see you monday 7:00 p.m. tonight on "red eye." >> coming up on "red eye." >> is "red eye" the cure for 3:00 a.m. loneliness? and were reece's named after their inventor hb reece or their secret ingredient? and finally what does the vice president think parents want for their kids? >> what is the one thing your parents want for you? $21 million 600,000 automobile -- 21 million 600,000 automobiles. think about it. >> none of these stories on "red eye" tonight. >> and now let's welcome our guest. okay, greg. who do you want to go to if you want a little off the top? it is my favorite barber. it is allison barber.

and she would like our viewers to know if you send her diamond earrings that are smaller than 2.5karats she will be donating them to charity. what is your problem? >> i am so funny. >> shut up, god. and i was told he is not wearing an ugly sweater but he disgusts me so much i can't even look at him. so i have no idea what he is wearing. it is tv's sad andyly veef or sandy levey. and he is a bureau chief. he is the author, journalist and the sunday times washington bureau chief. his latest book a great one, is called dead man risen. an epic story of war and heroism in afghanistan. i read it six times. >> a block. the lede. that's the first story. >> they are not joking about smoking. last month a severed head was found in isis controlled

syrian territory with a cigarette in his mouth and a note reading this is not permissible sheik or sheik, who cares and there are strict variations that restrict smoking because it is considered a quote, slow form of suicide. and the a-holes from isis follow that nuty interpretation. he came back after a couple of weeks. at his trial falvian monroe said i struggle with not smoking. i brought nicorette gum with me. i left my gun with my commander. it is so easy to come and go. in greg's army you can smoke all you want. let's meet some of my new recruits.

>> they don't smoke but they #r* smokin. before we get to the cigarette stuff, this is what i don't understand. you read about people leaving isis. like i thought that -- they don't seem like a people that are okay with you going right? they let you go over smoking? >> well for maybe it is like a thing in europe. i am just going hang out for a year and go to cur key and walk -- turkey and walk across the border and tweet the pictures. >> bring a roll of toilet paper and a map in your backpack. maybe you will get laid if there are any goats. what do you make of what is going on at the airbase? is this worse than we think it is or not as bad? >> i think it is at least as bad as we think it is. i think it is really bad. >> really? >> these places like ramadi and fallujah and mosul, they were in isis control for nearly a year now. this is a place where hundreds

and hundreds of americans were killed. in hell -- helmunds, no british or american troops. we got eight guys in hellmund. it is great we got them, but this is ungoverned space. we are like pre 9/11 period where we have these areas where jihadists will launch attacks across the west. >> maybe i am an optimist that we can launch uh dispaks we could find them. i am stupid. no one should ever listen to me about anything. let's get back to the smoking. you are a two pack a day kind of girl. would you be able to give it up to join isis? >> i would consider that if i am going over there if i am going to join an islamic terrorist group, like what is the restriction on smoking and

alcohol? i will need to have at least one. this story i think is interesting and not something i necessarily read and i'm thinking like, jeez, i wondered about that about isis. this is a story where you have isis militants killing their own guys because they are smoking. and the list of grievances i have with isis i am much more worried and wanting to hear about them raping and beating women versus this story. great, thanks l.a. times for telling me you have a guy on the ground. great. >> they are running out of -- the beheadings and the burnings aren't enough. but then again this is our area to the story too. this is what caught my eye is the cigarette smoking. joe, other than your constant drinking you are kind of a health nut. do you support what isis is doing? >> i do. then i don't think we will have to go to war. they will all kill each other because of all of the vices. that's what they are doing. they think it is so disgusting that they are beheading which

is honorable. it is crazy. this is also another reason why we should promote and encourage smoking in this country. >> right. >> so they won't get recruits from us. we won't have people leaving to join them. >> that is a great argument for smoking. i think you should be our next surgeon general or maybe a cigarette girl. i miss those, andy. you were a cigarette girl once. >> back in the 70s. >> back when you had your jams. >> hot pants were hot. >> yes. dash darnel meg gone. andy defend. >> i lived through bloomburg's new york. anybody who lived through bloomburg's new york not all that different from isis. soon we will see beheaded bodies were large soft drink cups. i love the french guy decided he would rather go home

knowing he was going to jail he would rather do that than not smoke anymore. i think a lot of smokers are out there going yeah, i get that. >> it is amazing. >> would they be okay with e-cigarettes? >> that's what i wondered. it is a really slow suicide. >> this is my theory. they are against slow suicide which means a suicide that is pointless to the cause. a fast suicide implies you will blow people up. >> if they were smart they would encourage everyone to move to the west and kill everyone's secondhand smoke. and it would be a really slow suicide. >> are they okay with a binge drinking? it could kill you in an instant. >> that's true. perhaps. there are not a lot of -- there are some drunk drivers. maybe they will think america is not so bad. i mean, you know some of the same attitudes.

>> it is spreading like some evil disease. was it uncouth to pander to youth? president obama's buzz feed video in which he took a selfie said yolo and then killed a panda. it was disgusting. it sealed the deal. "red eye" can announce that he is the -- >> greatest president ever. >> it is true. he is. live with it. obama made the video thanks to the upcoming deadline for something called obamacare. let's watch it again watch it againers. >> wow. the video was shot after the announcement of the death of kayla mueller the american aid worker held by isis.

>> when i learned when he did it, it really is of a piece with playing golf after you learn of the beheading of an american. that makes it truly distaste. -- distasteful. >> many scwed his judgment -- many made his judgment. use of yolo and buzz feed video. yes, see it is unnatural to be dismayed by a president acting like a self-ininvolved prom king during times of war. can we see more of this buzz feed video? >> shut up. just stop it. it is a kitten. in his defense, horrible things happen every day. does that mean the president

can never let his hair down? no. i think i am with him on this one. i think he initially said he doesn't have an issue with him doing this video. you look back at between two ferns. in terms of the purpose of getting people to go to healthcare.gov, it was successful in getting people to the website. within 24 hours last time there was a 40% up tick in website traffic. but once the question of when he did this video if it is the same day it is comparable to what you saw not as bad or obviously saw when he was playing golf after jim foley. to do it on the same day you can push that back 24 hours. being aware of optics, that's a lot of what is the thing you have to think about in politics is the optics and how is this going to look. a lot of times they don't care how things will look. >> if they pushed it back a day we would say can you believe he did that the day after kayla mueller?

>> we would do that on "the five." >> it is kind of what ellison basher said. i don't think the president cares about optics. he does p what he wants and so be it. >> he is, quote, liberated which is a theory about him. i find him -- i find him humanless. we have been seeing this stuff since boxes or briefs question. you only live once? that was tacky. he should have realized that and some of his aids should have seen that. >> that's true. >> people ask me bobses or briefs and i see briefs on boxers. is it unnatural for anyone to be dismayed by a selfie object

setted president who is -- obsessed president who is not born here. >> and that gets to the heart of the matter but media matters doesn't mention that part. a bunch of people at fox went after malkin. can we roll that? he made a gun with his hand and pretended to shoot it. kids are getting suspended from school doing that. it is outrageous he would make light of gun violence and show such respect to the vic i'm its and their families. so the only reason they didn't include me is i am -- i think they think the president owes them an apology. >> i am waiting to see that. >> it is possible they liked my sweaters. >> i admire you.

i think you did a great job saying that's true while andy was wonking. andy was talking. >> it's true. you are the millenial. you are the generation. the second past of the question, if you will remember it. >> i won't remember it. >> should they actually learn from it? learn they should loosen up and not take everything so seriously. you are hit. >> starting with the second part yes, we sho. -- we should. that won't change him. he has been doing this for six plus year. it will not change his style of getting the word out and marketing his plan. this was a self-indulgent way to do that. i am all about that with the selfies. i do hear you, but i knew when the deadline is what. -- was. i think a lot of people knew

when the deadline was. and if he wanted to make sure people were signing up in time you could have done it with a video that wasn't as over the top. >> it this obamacare is so good why does he have to keep doing this stuff? >> did you sign up for obamacare? >> get the hell out. get the hell out right now. >> i did. >> you are the reason my taxes -- >> not through the market place because i didn't qualify for any assistance. you think of chris christie dancing with jimmy fallon or rand paul starting a fight some is just the way things are going. there is probably a line and some people for awhile will discuss what the line is. this is just something every politician is figuring out how to do. except the right is not figuring out how to do it. guy i would say they are pea bee hind by 16 years. that's my suggestion.

or maybe 10 years. you know what one thing no one has talked about the video. if you remember the ohio players there was always a rumor that someone was killed during the song "love rollercoaster." remember that? what happened to the other guy in that buzz feed video that no one has seen him sense. since. they don't know where his body is. >> he thought it was his big break and it was his disappearance. >> they have been something. it taints the use of restraint. dom -- dominatrixes are protesting the move vee. the film based on the bach. the they say it is a sexual or

orientation, what is it, and it is not a mental illness or character defect. most of the people who are seeing this movie will be expotessed to s and m the first time. it is not about abuse and rape and stalking. then what is the film l really? >> it is beauty and the beast with sek. that's what it is. >> i agree. let's look at a scene from the movie, sal we. >> ♪ my tastes are singular. >> i am incapable of leaving you alone. >> then don't. >> you have to keep it fresh somehow. do they have a right to be offended. >> there is a huge movement of being offended about anything and everything. >> i am offended that you said that. >> it is the sadists or the mass kisses? >> why do they have to grouped together? >> this is good for the movie.

the most upsetting thing is that nobody protested and nobody was upset. it is good for them. s and m was a bit 70s but maybe it is coming back. >> it is making a but load or a butt plug of money. i screwed it up but i deserved it because it is vial. are you going to see the movie or do you have enough excitement at home? >> i am not opposed to the movie. i don't know that much because i haven't read the book. >> really? >> i know the general idea of what it is about, i just haven't found the time to read it and don't want to be in a lobby reading the book gee then stop talking. >> you said butt plug and looked my way and i didn't know what to do. >> how many times have i done that? >> joanne, you are a woman and you are dying to see this film. >> oh yeah. >> what is your take on the

whole controversy? >> i don't think this is a film you should see in a theater with other people. how awkward is that going to be? >> especially if you are masterbating. >> do that when reading the book with privacy. >> in a warm tub with rose pet pet -- petals. >> what is so great is there are always these different groups. the dominatrix and feminists are now one in the same. they are both saying that this is a poor representation. >> they should stop judging what normal sexual behavior is. >> exactly. i go to you andy to define that. >> go ahead. >> answer anything that is in your head. >> i just -- you know part of it is like they asked one of

the dominatrix if she protest the film. it hurts their line to see it. as long as it is consensual i don't give a rat's ass what people do in the bedroom. but a rat's ass should not be involved. >> that's just the thing. the rat is not engaging. >> i don't know what you are talking about. he is one of the world's greatest actors and lovely gentleman. always brings the stream. coming up, tambourines a musical instrument or the coming of the uh apocalypse. they call it veapped and i -- they call it valentine's day and i call it say tan's christmas.

love is in the air, but should we care? valentine's day or vd for short is a mere 57 weeks away. that means it must be time for -- >> the "red eye" uh -- obligatory valentine's day segment that could show up at anytime. >> men should get gifts as well as women. they reject the notion that it is just for women and in school both guys and girls did exchange cards. meanwhile japan a country, men who consider themselves unlovable are protesting valentine's day. the group translates to the revolutionary alliance of men that women are not attracted to and it is driven by chocolate capitalist.

and finally in elementary school they banned students from exchanging cards and candy. it is due to state guidelines and their love of making children cry. until valentine's day is over we will have to crawl into a hole. guy i don't think we need to see that because you know what it does to me. none of the hormones are working. i hate valentine's day for obvious reasons. you are going to be alone. thoughts? that's -- >> that's probably true. the only holidays i care about is christmas halloween and my birthday. other than that do we need it? valentine's day, i am never dating anyone on valentine's day. if i were i would definitely

be getting the other person a present. i find the whole -- when you have to go to a restaurant and there is all of these couples and they have special reservations and packages and even the place you like to go you are forced to go. >> they look miserable. >> except for the men. >> i am ready to de clier war. instead of men getting presents at well women shouldn't get presents. my kids have to do valentine's day cards for everybody in the class. >> everybody gets a card. >> between them 1500 cards. this is industrial scale. >> if anybody -- everybody gets a card nobody know rejection. only successful people go through long, long periods of rejection that takes years and decades. how will you be celebrating

value valentine's day with jim beam and jack daniels. we used to play valentine's day bingo at the restaurant. we would have a bingo chart and it would be couple sitting by each other and people smooching. they don't usually know how so they don't go out during the week. >> so they need is a fix on your . >> should we give in to una you you -- unattractive men demands? >> only in japan greg? >> yes, the best thing that ever happened on valentine's day was in 1929. >> terrible. >> what happened?

>> thank you joanne. >> i -- it sounds stupid but if you don't like something and/or people do just do it. if you are significant bite the bullet and buy him or her a gift. making them happy, is that what it is about? my wife as you know is racist so i can only get her white whok let. white chocolate. >> i like the fact that ellison thinks her birthday is a holiday. >> i know it is. i don't think it is. >> when is your birthday. >> everybody knows october stwentth. >> that is so close to halloween. >> that's why october is the best month because two holidays. >> i am go -- valentine's day i am spending a quiet evening at home. i am probably going to open a bottle of wine. seth is making a lawing so gnaw -- excuse me, barbara.

i had an important point to make but i can't write it down. >> it says vd dog. it was something important and i don't know what it was. a valentine's day dolls. is anybody getting valentine day dolls 1234*. >> are you telling us you want valentine day dolls. >> i was so excited and now i can't read my own writing. >> coming up a casino crime you wouldn't believe. or maybe you would. you have no idea what we are thinking. first, a word from our sponsor. >> tonight's sponsor, if you need to get somewhere without stoping at red lights you need the premiere chauffeur and body removal service.

i remember the point i was making. with valentine's day what makes it awkward is if you start dating somebody maybe say two weeks before and you have to decide like if you pretend that valentine's day is not a big deal, then that's a message. if you decide to ask this person to go to valentine's day, that's another message. that was the point i was making. i think it is an interesting point to make, america. am i talking to anybody?

>> i remember looking for a valentine's day card that didn't mention the word love. >> you are strange man but then again you are from england or great england if i am right. >> britain. i lived there. it rehashes their clashes if you are going to fight don't do it from of the kids or the cook -- cocatu. >> they say the bird mick micks their bitterness. mimics their bitterness.

>> i don't know who you hate more birds or people is. he is imitating people and i just realize how horrible people are. the video was licensed by a company called viral hog. i mention it bus that was my nickname in high school toby. you should have seen me back then. funny or really, really sad or some sort of mutant combination of both? >> i don't know. a mu tapet -- a mutant combination. >> i kept thinking who was the people that went to get a dog. wait a second we actually want that bird. that is the most concerning

thing that a couple chose to take this after they saw how it was account aing. -- how it was accounting. >> are you going to call it a hoax? >> well, i didn't think about that. that's a good point. >> did you hear that? >> maybe that is the cocatu's personality. >> that's every angry wife. you don't hear the guy because the guy is not saying anything. it is just the woman shouting and shouting. i have seen this in documentaries. i have a marvelous relationship. you get to divorce and would you keep the bird? >> i think the wife should get the bird. >> give her the bird. >> or it will make a great valentine's day gift. i think this smoip making opportunity, instead of going to a marriage counselor or

therapist you talk to the -- >> it is like reverse ecstasy. they say is this what we are going to do? >> joanne are you aware you sound exactly like that after a handle of vodka. >> and i think we have the video. can we play that? no no we don't? >> we don't have that. that's a shame. >> they say it happens about every night or every other day. she is still cuddly though? >> how do you cuddle a bird. >> and she has 40 more years to live? can you imagine? >> think of all of the stuff it records. that's an interesting point. >> this is a work of the government. >> it is, it is. think about if you live alone like you do, joanne and will for the rest of your life but if you get murdered and there is no witnesses the bird is

the witness. >> i feel like that was on "law and order." >> was it. >> yes, i think so. it could be barnaby jones. >> it could be heart-to-heart. >> it could be mccloud and mcmillan and wife. it could be -- >> gilligan's island. you went to the sitcom sell m. what about ben kasey. he had a beard. i snow there is a guy in his seconds going it is -- dennis we ever. no, it is the other guy with the beard and the air. the blind guy bannicheck. one guy gyms francisco -- james francisco and what is

his eye. begins with a c. banicheck is what happens sometimes. >> do your cats at home mimic your depressing life? >> i -- there are a couple of options here. i think maybe the guy trained his bird to do that and now he is claiming it is mick -- mimicking the previous owner to get publicity. we don't know for a fact that the bird is mimicking real people. it could have been ray caw stan swraw parents or sitcom parents and it is mimicking them. >> i couldn't tell what the bird was saying. it is possible the couple was fighting about the damn bird. >> if they were fighting about the bird it would mimic a

yelling husband. there is no way the guy was like, let's get that bird. >> unless that was the reason for divorce. >> the big story here is that people who have birds for pets are weird. >> i don't know if that is all. little old ladies with the parrots in the cadge that's cute. don't kids have a bird growing up? >> usually in the classroom. by the way, is it less gross to have a turtle? a turtle is weird. it likes to sit in lettuce all the time. turtles are cool. they livelong. the poin tie want to make before we move on, it is a horrible summary of marriage. it shows you what an argument sounds like to somebody else. you don't hear that. when you see -- when you are baiting and you are fighting, the fighting is hot because

you don't know where it will go and you may never have sex again. there is suspension and inaction. in an older couple that's that. >> that's why it is a good valentine's day gift. >> i am tired of talking about bird and i think i revealed more about myself than i should have. coming up, the best "saturday night live" cast members. technically he never was on. if he was he been offers when he should have been. "not cool." autographed copy.

terrible. they ranked the cast from first to last. "saturday night live" is turning 40. it is a milestone joanne hit last week. congrats, joanne. anyway in honor of the anniversary, "rolling stone" which is still a magazine ranked all 141 cast members probably the first thing they have done that is interesting. i will now read all of them. i kid. john bough lieu she topped the list followed by eddie murphy and tina facial and mike myers and dan akroyd. did you know peter akroyd was on? here at "red eye" we rated our top 5.

matthew lawrence. she was in boosom buddies. >> peter akroyd. >> that is brooke wheel an. >> there is peter akroyd. he looks like dan akroyd after a fight and carrie sweeney. he played nancy reagan. andy you watch a lot of tv. did anybody get snubbed? >> this is the heys ago -- least accurate. it said mcdonald clearly thought he was hilarious and that counts for something, unfortunately he was a dennis miller clone with no jokes. stick around longer. maybe it will get funnier. the person who wrote that

hospital -- shouldn't right comedy. >> they were the best at weekend update. joanne, do you know anybody on this list? >> a few people. and i am not a huge "snl" watcher. it is that time and there it is. i love chris 10 and wigg. when they do the porn stars my favorite is the one with justin timberlake for champagne. oddly that's my favorite. i like the newer casts. >> good for you. >> not all of them. >> which don't you like? >> i don't actually like that tina fey got third. >> because she should have been higher or lower?

>> lower. >> then that's lower. >> i hate this. this is the same thing that happens when you play golf. >> can't everybody be equal? i think the person who is the snobiest is the -- >> i mean i didn't even know the muppets were on. they should have been fired >> they should have been hired. >> i think this list does not count because gilda was like number nine. >> she was amazing. >> top three for sure. i can't even consider the list, but the muppets were the only funny thick. >> we just don't remember. >> i was like 15 16 and i was really growing up in high school. >> you have the watered brad pitt disease right?

benjamin button thing. in about three minutes you will be in continent. >> which concert? >> i don't know my continents. dana harvey beat out will farrell. raccoon meat is what is for dinner. the cabbing cans scare me. their big eyeses in the middle of the night staring into my soul.

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i get live video monitoring and 24/7 professional monitoring that i can arm and disarm from anywhere. hear ye! the awkward teenage one has arrived!!!! don't be old fashioned. xfinity customers add xfinity home for $29.95 a month for 12 months. plus for a limited time, get a free security camera call 1800 xfinity or visit comcast.com/xfinityhome. brand-new "red eye" returns on monday. guests next week include mcdowell carly bernie and joe randazow. >> e block. last story. that's the last story. >> is raccoon a snafoon. i am glad you laughed. an asian supermarket in temple city, california is coming

under fire after it was discovered they were selling whole frozen raccoons. the market said they are a delicacy in asia. granted everything is a delicacy in asia. they are investigating whether it is legal and sales suspended for now. i guess it is mac and cheese for joanne. >> isn't this a cultural snobbery. how dare you eat animals in our garbage? >> i'm sure president obama ate raccoon in indonesia. >> he had a dog, he didn't have a dog. or maybe both. >> he will make a great valentine's day gift. if the person you loved ate it you would know it is true love. >> it didn't seem like there is a lot of meat on them. they are wiry clawy creatures they scare me. >> pea too. my parents live in the

mountains of georgia -- >> what is the address? guy i asked my dag and they have can dogs and they chase raccoons. the thing i am scared is even if they are not out during the day, they carry rabies. if you eat that you are probably -- you probably could get rabies even if they were not exhibiting symptoms. >> i like. you say i am not a scientist but you can probably get rabies from it. >> you can show up on a lot of talk shows. >> i interest wouldn't take the back scene. how would you react if you saw it in your supermarket? >> i have had deer before. i have a friend who hunts and cooked deer. i tried it. it is delicious.

i am not all about this packaging. >> false advertising. that's not aish if. >> i hear it is a greasier and more tender dark chicken taste but i wouldn't want to figure that much out. >> that's your excuse to everything. >> something tells me you would enjoy a good tasty roasted raccoon. >> i would like it, greg. unlike the woman who reported the super market, i am not an awful person. she is an awful person. >> do you eat awful? >> no. >> she doesn't know where meat comes from. she is upset because it reminds you are actually eating an animal. this was at chinese supermarket. she is not used to seeing this, but the hashing cet says they have been selling this

for years and they never had a complaint. maybe the problem is her. by the way, i i am a scientist. i have a political science degree. when i say this, this is true. that's why i wanted you to operate on my younger sister. >> how is that going? >> she did immediate an elbow on her back. >> a raccoon is a trash-a-can. you cook it, but it is filled with last night's dinner. it is a surprise. >> these are fray range raccoons. >> i ate a poosum once. >> you should never eat anything with a name. never let your kids name rabbits. >> that is totally anti- cannibal us stick. we have to go. enough of this business. thank you ellison basher.

barber. andy levey and joanne know saw chin key. thanks for putting up with me. bye. everyone loves the way dark clothes make them feel... and no one wants that feeling to fade. that's why there's woolite darks. without harsh ingredients, it keeps darks vibrant for over 30 washes. so your love for dark clothes doesn't have to fade. for the love of darks. woolite darks.varney &

company. we start sharply on time. "the five" is next. hello everyone. i'm eric bolling along with andrea tantaros and greg gutfeld. it's 5:00 in new york city. and this is "the five." so isis is now fully in control of another iraqi town. and just launched a suicide attack on the perimeter of al assad air base a few miles from al baghdadi. more than 300 u.s. marines are stationed there. here's rear admiral john kirby on where things stand now. >> we're talking about somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 to 25 total i