that's it for us tonight. i'm still here in sunny l.a. where it's raining. thanks so much for watching. greg gutfels is next. see you next week. now double ply for extra absorption. here's what's coming up. the candidates are falling over themselves trying to do ordinary things. why are they so bad at life. the illegal kind, the outer space kind when candidates might get answers when they're in the white house. did someone win the martian vote. one lucky lady. one very sad country. who will she select? where have you been america? are you avoiding me? is there someone else?

all right. let's welcome tonight's guest. he's a musical genius behind some of the greatest pop songs. we have musician and composer, stewart copeland of the police. come on. he's so sharp. his very thoughts give you paper cuts. he has a podcast called the fifth column. > she's like a marine scout, always buzzed. he's slit more thighs than a butcher on meth. you can see him on mtv2 "guy code." her glasses are always half

empty. she's miserable. >> we all got crammed in here. >> i got to do my monologue. you're better than sting. when candidates act human, they're like pets walking on hind legs. they can pull it off for five seconds and then they collapse. in the end it's a bad idea. hillary couldn't master a subway turnstile. that was the opposite of a droid. john kasich ate pizza with

utensils. that's like eating soup with a chain saw. this week he tried to make amends by eating everything. a sandwich, two plates of spaghet spaghetti, wine, a small orphan child. he even tried to speak italian. all right. then there was ted cruz. next week, maybe he'll hand slaughter a chicken in accordance with islamic dietary law. little known candidate tommy johnson couldn't write -- ride a skateboard.

that's not the temperament for my president. john kerry ordered a cheese steak and ordered the wrong cheese. he threw a baseball like a roofied raggedy ann. i've seen better arms on a squid. i've come up with some tips when asked to do something normal. first, never do something normal. i can't make pizza so it was embarrassing when fox and friends asked me to make one.

i had a bad night. it tastes delicious. number two, only do something you've really good at. you can't throw a baseball, that's okay. you could be like me, massage a cat. it's not like a regular thing between us. number three, take your time. never be in a hurry. slow down, buddy. summer will be here soon. the fact is politicians have hard time doing normal things because they aren't normal. they claim to be of the people but they're about as human as this.

got to love donald. it's our fault. do to overscrutiny and jaded cruelty, we've them into something not human. this is why i will never run for office. not only am i real but i lack the skills that one can put on display. except for this one. this is me tending to my farm of chickens and goats. if that were a qualification for president, i would be a shoo in. those candidates never do these things right. why do we continue to force them

to act like humans. i don't get it. >> they are pretending to be humans so they can represent humans. who wants that job. my job, you're not supposed to be human. show me that pizza, i'll show you an artistic concept for eating it all wrong. >> you're exempt from common sense. >> absolutely. >> artists live apart from the rest of the world. >> we live on a mount olympus where the air is fresher and the champagne has more fizz. >> there's champagne up there? >> it's actually beer. >> andrew, you use the subway as a a latrine and for bed.

>> i have no idea what a latrine is. >> it's old bathroom. >> is it her fault when she slid it through. that happens to everybody. >> no it doesn't. i'm a native new yorker and i'm a one swipe man. i swipe it. i'm in. if it doesn't go in, i leave. i didn't earn the subway that day. >> is this why you're for sanders? >> i would say i'm for sanders because, let me think of something funny right now. >> no good reason. >> no good reason. i'm for sanders because everybody is afraid of sanders. >> nobody is afraid of trump. >> are you really afraid of trump? i mean. >> first of all, he would never be able to swipe a metro card. uber. >> we would buy the metro and blow it up. >> ride on top of it. >> make it the trump metro and say it's fabulous.

then there would be a fourth corporate bankruptcy. not his. we have some interesting choices. what do you make of this current malai malaise? >> i don't know. why aren't they better prepared. why don't they know this is going to happen. you know they're going to ask you about the train or going to the grocery store, the price of milk. they're not like us. the clintons are about as close to royalty as we get in this country. i don't know if they're inbred but feeble. they don't know how to do normal things because they're not like us. >> the only person who could do things, a guy that could operate on the brains of babies we had to laugh out of campaign. ben carson knew how to do stuff. >> politically inept. >> maybe we should have that as

a qualification. >> no. my qualifications are how many bowls of pasta do you eat. i'm now all about kasich. i could not turn away. >> we don't want to watch normal. i don't watch lebron because i'm like i could do that. maybe they should do exceptional stuff. hop over the turnstile. >> if she hopped over in that pantsuit she's wearing without busting a seam. >> shouldn't they create a sound stage for politician where is they can practice these things and have a subway turnstile. a place to buy milk. >> hillary did have that opportunity. >> it's my turn. >> where is she? >> she's over there. >> i spend so much time alone. when i'm at work i'm alone. i want someone to listen to my opinion about hillary on the subway. they should practice. didn't it take two weeks for

campaign prepare for two weeks. it didn't get the use the card part. what were they doing for two weeks? was she practicing her facial expressions or like of the people facial expressions. they should. i do have some sympathy. it's got to be hard. everyone expects you to be in good shape but you also have to eat all the local dairy. that's hard. >> that's true. you gain a lot of weight or purge afterward, which is what i do. can we talk about ted cruz. >> was that you really massaging the cat because you have a great chest. >> thank you very much. i work out every day. the cat too. i bench press the cat in this order. ted cruz still defending his new new york values comments. here is the texas senator speaking to my squash partner bill o'reilly.

>> i think people knew who new york values means. those are the values of liberal democratic politician who is have been hammering this state. i've been campaigning across new york. people are stopping me every day and say i know exactly what you meant. i'm fed up with what the liberal democrats are doing to us, the people of new york. they're the ones suffering for it. donald trump has been funding it year after year. >> why does cruz care? the homeless flasher on my block has a better chance of winning new york than he does. that's keith oberman. he knows he's going to lose. >> isn't it amazing we've gotten to this place where ted cruz is the sane one. we're thinking hopefully ted cruz. a lot of people, lindsey graham, out of nowhere, he's like not insane.

>> this is a strange time for everybody. we shifted the goal post to use a sporting met fore. >> i think he's right. new york values a different. we're different. until i left new york, i didn't know there were animals. i promise you. i thought it went rat, pigeon, zoo. i went to long island and i saw a deer. i like alerted people. there's an animal out there. he should be on a cabin wall. >> it's frighten. >> you've seen deer before but never with four legs on it. this thing is mobile. >> what kills me is there's people in the media that are more upset about what cruz said about new york than certain women or john mccain. for offensive. >> this is where they live.

>> i call this place home for almost five years now. i sort of take offense at it as well. only a little bit. i don't know why ted cruz' wife who has worked for a new york based investment banking firm didn't take issue as well. maybe she does. perhaps that's who he's talking about. i'm not sure. >> as soon as he comes off the stage, honey. why'd you have to do that. >> cat, do you sill see cruz as you'll never vote for him or he's looking better and better. >> i won't vote for him, but he's looking great. he's looking better and better every time i see him. that's true. >> that's important. what about you, joe. thoughts on cruz. thoughts on trump. thoughts on anything. >> as a new yorker, i don't forgive and i don't forget. ted cruz is out. cruz is screwed. i love the fact that kasich is beating cruz in new york. that brings me such joy because

i think it brings kasich joy. he will probably celebrate with more pasta. >> the thing that makes trump good, what makes him bad. his unfavorables with women are frighten. he is less popular among women than their best friend's boyfriend. >> all kinds of high class women. journalists and editorial writers who have met him socially, they all say, gail collins, they all say what a great guy he is. when he's with women he's very charming. he calls all the women honey. >> go. that's a really good point. trump is actually pretty charming. it's the people he surrounds himself with. going back to the roy cohn day, he hires vicious people. people that will do his dirty work. i think that's what's scary. what would this person do if he had more power?

>> does anyone have a theory of his hair? is it like parted here and goes there. which direction is that going. if we can have somebody figure out his hair, then let's work on his foreign policy. >> i got you, lasagna. you push the fork and the bottom piece is on the top. >> then you get a piece of hair. >> kasich ate his hair. >> we got to move. next, a story so powerful, it could bench press your face. look at that.

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could hillary be undone over area 51. her campaign is going for aliens, and not the ones from mexico. the remote military facility is being brought to the forefront.

they talked to jake tapper and how a president clinton could ask for important declassified information. when >> what i talked to the secretary about and what she said, she'll ask for as many records as the united states has. i think that's commitment she intends to keep and i intend to hold her to. american people can handle the truth. do a thorough search. >> what is the truth? is there evidence of alien life? >> that's for the public to judge once they've seen all the evidence. >> what do you think, personally? >> what i this? i think there's a lot of planets out there.

>> doesn't seem odd at all. donald trump said he would build a wall and make them pay for it. >> with hillary it's classic bait and switch. they're after her e-mails. then look, it's aliens. >> it's a deflection. >> we have seen her e-mails. she's been subpoenaed for 20 years. they have been up against the senate. if you're a friend or society of the clintons, you need to lawyer up. >> the e-mails between me and her got pretty hot. we think of being intelligent life on other planets if they haven't contacted us. could it be they don't like us. >> i don't like us. i don't care if they're aliens

or not. is that okay? >> yeah. >> there's already so many people in this world that i don't care about. how am i supposed to care about aliens now? maybe they're there. maybe not. they should talk to us first or else we give up our power. like you ignore someone's text message for three minutes to establish power. >> maybe it's six seconds so they're not ignoring us. >> they're spending too much time thinking about someone who is not thinking about you. >> i think it's micro aggression. >> do not make someone a priority when you're merely an option. >> i never thought about that before. we eat cattle. we eat fish. we eat plants. who do they have in common? they're earthlings.

let's say we meet them. they're adorable and highly intelligent but look like delicious cinnabons. >> i think you would have to take a bite out of them. hillary clinton's husband would have loved to keep one particular secret. he had an intern who he really, really liked a lot. he could not keep that secret. >> we can't keep secrets? >> i can't. we won't know if it's true. why would you trust hillary clinton to declassify this stuff? what makes her a truthful person. i think that everyone, there's something to gain. the government knows something. they do. maybe they know climate change isn't real and the aliens are

proof. there's so many options. >> like a guy that starts talking crazy. >> it's very frightening. >> it's weird. >> is it. you think he's weird. >> i think he's weird. >> do you think he's weird? >> i think he's weird. >> why do you think he's weird, mr. dressing in johnny cash's leftovers? >> i think he's weird because his face is longer than his neck. like he's got a very -- >> your face is longer than your neck. >> i'm a weird person. >> true. that's your job. you don't want to give me any information. the alien thing, i want to know why do aliens only come to

america and why do they only go to the places in america that none of us want to go. >> in big cities you can't see them because of the light. >> they can travel beyond the speed of light but they don't have light bright enough for us to see them. >> aliens don't stand out in a crowd. >> imagine you're going to travel millions of light years to go somewhere, wouldn't you do research as to which city had the good parties. i wouldn't go to montana. >> nevada. >> aliens need a travel service.

it's too much time. i'm not going to prague. that's too far. >> all right. we've gone too far. still to come, a six-hour segment on star fish. i hope you brought water studio audience because the doors are locked and there's no escape. bill clinton blows his top on a protester. glad i said top. to go. let's talk asset allocation. sure. you seem knowledgeable, professional. i'm actually a dj. [ dance music plays ] woman: [laughs] no way! that really is you? if they're not a cfp pro, you just don't know. cfp -- work with the highest standard.

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welcome back. kasich is still eating.

good for him, i say. all right. it's what bill clinton does best, unloading on people. on thursday he unloaded on some black lives matter protesters at a campaign event in philadelphia. see, they heckled clinton for a 1994 bill he signed into law that increased sentences for gang related sentences. one protester yelled black youth are not souper predators. a reference hillary made. bill fired back. >> i don't know how you would characterize the gang leaders who have 13-year-old kids hopped up on crack and sent them out onto the street to murder other african-american children. maybe you thought they were good citizens, she didn't. she didn't. you are defending the people who

killed the lives you say matter. tell the truth. >> it wasn't the only highlight of the night. earlier in the event clinton took a sly shot at president's handling of world affairs. >> unlike when i became president, a lot of things are coming apart around the world now. we'd like to think about our economic issues, but you have to think about a collapse in europe dragging back the american economy. you have to worry about the largest number of refugees since world war ii. all this stuff comes home. >> afterwards, mr. clinton took his mind off political matters by having sex with carburator. >> the crime bill was a failure and mistake. >> i disagree. >> the black lives matter kids are making stuff up when hillary

said they are super predators. she said people who are perpetrating crime have super predators. the only racists are them for presuming she was talking about black people. >> i believe the anti-violent act did contribute to reducing homicide rates by stricter sentencing laws. you had to serve 85% of your sentence. they put out 100,000 new cops. what's wrong with that? >> stepping up the drug war because of the cycle of violence. i think that particular legislation was a response to the crack epidemic, which wasn't a real thing. >> i agree with you on that. that was a real thing. crack was a real thing. trust me. i don't remember '91 to '93. >> this whole thing is about the police relationship with minoritie minorities. i'm watching this and i think wait a minute, i've never seen

that. for 20 years i could not get a driving ticket. i get pulled over and doing 90 miles an hour, they go, i can't give you a ticket. that went on for a long time. i'm in a band called the police. they're not going to arrest me. my interaction with cops have been really great. i got my first ticket. he gave me a ticket. >> how dare he. that's racist. if i start a band, i'm going to call it the hookers. >> oh, boy. >> thought, prayers? >> on what? >> anything you want. >> bill clinton is a jedi. a lot of protesters.

they have been dealing with storm troopers. this man just took the live saver out and lit them up. he kind of apologized the next day like he felt bad. what did you make of his performance overall on stage? >> i find that clinton -- i sympathize with them when they're approached by black lives matter protesters. they really want to listen and help. they hardly get to speak. in the whole transcript of his speech, he could hardly get words out. he's like you're going keep talking and not listen know. it's not a conversation. it's not a dialogue. it's just angry people yelling. i think the clintons really do want to listen. >> let me get cat in. you've had your time disrespecting america. cat, you're the expert here. people say the language wasn't

sensitive. was it? >> i guess, but who cares if it was insensitive or not. he sounded sick. anyone else notice he sounded very, very sick. >> he sounded tired. >> he sounded tired. i feel like the crime bill is bad. they were very prison happy in the '90s. it's very, very hypocrite of hillary to say there's too many people in the prisons. yeah, you helped put them there. i understand their points. >> you know who put them in prisons. black community leaders who wanted that bill. >> that's what i'm saying. >> call them at home. roger stone would want you to do that. >> call them at what? >> i don't know what i'm saying. >> people shouldn't be sent to prison for doing drugs. >> i agree. >> i've never been arrested. i've never had that experience. i'm like too old for it to be t that means.

we'll take a break. they decide who to vote for in the new york primary. it's fake game show that won't be just anything. stick around. here's the plan. you want a family and a career, but most of the time you feel like you're trying to wrangle a hurricane. the rest of the time, they're asleep. then one day, hr schedules a meeting with you out of the blue. and it's the worst 19 minutes of your career. but you don't sweat it because you and your advisor have prepared for this. and when the best offer means you're moving to the middle of nowhere, the boys say they hate the idea. but you pretend it's not so bad. and years later at thanksgiving, when one of them says what he's thankful for most, is this house, you realize you didn't plan for any of this you wouldn't have done it any other way. with the right financial partner, progress is possible.

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has 26 essential vitamins and minerals, including calcium and vitamin d to support strong bones and 10 grams of protein to help maintain muscle. all with a great taste. i don't plan on slowing down any time soon. stay strong. stay active with boost®. here's the star of the show and your host. >> thank you. thank you. welcome once again to the endorsement game. it's time to meet our first three eligible candidates for this week's registered voter. candidate number one comes from ohio. that's pretty much all we know about him. we're pretty sure he has a background in karate.

it's the man everyone is surprised the still here, john kasich. candidate number two, he's famous for his impersonations for movies no one cares about. he's never been water skiing, skydiving or snorkeling. it's ted cruz. he's the biggest, smartest, richest, handsome and humble. it's donald trump. time to meet our registered voter. meet kathryn. how are you feeling? >> great. very, very excited.

>> go ahead and ask any questions except name, age, hand size, shoe size and policy plan. good luck. >> all right. let's see here. candidate number one, i get overwhelmed easily especially when i have too many choices in front of me. why should i pick you? >> look, that's like saying what if a spaceman lands tonight. it's not going to happen. >> dude, how do you know i'm not going to pick you? love yourself. candidate number two, like most millenials i'm on the internet all day whether at work or on my phone. what's your favorite website? >> tedcruz.org. it's grass roots movement with over 200,000 volunteers. >> this isn't about you plugging your website candidate number two. you're not supposed to identify yourself. cat can't see you. moving on. go ahead.

>> sure. all right. candidate number three, i recently let a guy take me on date to see batman versus superman and i hated it. he loved it. was batman versus superman a good movie in. >> it was massive, massive, horrible mistake. i'm glad we agree on that one. back to candidate number one. i love baseball and i also love to gamble. as president would you lift baseball's ban on pete rose. >> pete rose. come on. >> i guess that's a no. moving on then. candidate number two. i live in new york city where there's so much stuff to do that it can seem overwhelming. where would we go on our first date? >> tedcruz.org. >> again with the website.

you're ruining this. this is why no one in the bronx likes you. cat, i'm sorry. please continue. >> okay. candidate number three, i'm afraid of a lot of thing, snake, spider, commitment. what is your biggest fear? >> china and vietnam, japan, india and mexico. >> that's a lot of countries to be afraid of. >> that sound means it's time for you to make up your mind. who will win your endorsement? we have candidate number one, number two and number three. >> like i have to pick one in. >> yeah. >> you're sure? >> that's the point of the game. >> there's no one else for me to choose from? >> no, just these three. they were selected from a large pool of options. >> really, wow. >> wow, we've run out of time

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this this very divided

country where the disagreemens s have turned vicious, you are to ask yourself, what is it going to take to unify the country? my friend, the answer came yesterday when over 8,000 people came together in peace and harmony for a full 45 minutes to witness this. [ cheers and applause ] >> wow. innocent watermelon and that is all it takes. everybody loves an exploding watermelon, and gallagher, i hope that you are listen, because you started it. this is interesting, stewart, have you thought of adding exploding watermelons to the symphonies? >> well, no, they don't explode far and they are much more useful for the sound effects, and like in the movies when you have the cudeon going through

the person, it is what you would imagine the ax going through the head. you roll it on the base, and you have hostile stuff. >> when i did the documentary on splitting watermelons, i used human skulls to make the sound effects. it is interesting the sim ymbio chemistry there. and there is some kid in a third world country thinking he could have eaten it. >> well, it is not going to do anything. it is not going to make you full. >> i am pissed off at the suits. who did they think about this that watermelon. it is a little sweatshirt, you know, because bees are not coming out of this. and the one dancing there, and prancing, and that just takes the fun right out of it. >> and are you scared? >> i hate them both. >> and the reason to hate them, this is buzzfeed and the new

wave of media, right? they beat the numbers of most tv shows. i hate them. >> and this is kind of important, because they macgyver'd the hell out of that, and who knew that you could blow up a watermelon with the rubberba rubberbands. i thought that it would just fly off and hit them in the face. >> and what did that? >> well, it is the rubberbands that did it. i did not read the story. >> unless that watermelon is filled with vodka, i don't care. think of the amount of plan and the inje genuity and everything that went into this, and all of the energy could have sbn spent on solving any of the world's problems. >> but this is buzzfeed, and they only make listicals. >> yes, that makes you happiment. >> and kat, is in going to make you happy or sad? >> well, 800,000 people watched

this, and that is why i never leave my apartment, people say, have you seen the water melon thing, and i say, no, i have been contributing to the economy you should try it. who wants to watch that -- come on, man. you can do better. >> yeah. as a country, maybe a mango or coconut. >> oh, fun. >> and don't go anywhere, because we have the parting gifts up next, and some audience member is going to win something with no street value whatsoever. but with my back pain i couldn't sleep and get up in time. then i found aleve pm. aleve pm is the only one to combine a safe sleep aid plus the 12 hour pain relieving strength of aleve. i'm back. aleve pm for a better am. a 401(k) is the most sound way to go. let's talk asset allocation. sure. you seem knowledgeable, professional. i'm actually a dj. [ dance music plays ] woman: [laughs] no way! that really is you? if they're not a cfp pro, you just don't know. cfp -- work with the highest standard.

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gym. >> you do? >> yes, i use basically body weight. any wahhs, i might give away one gift today, because this is a very important gift. i want to tell you a little back story are about this, and this is my third book, i'm pretty sure, and it came out five or six years ago and i was very excited about it. they sent me a box of these books before, before it came out, and the editor was very, very happy and it came to my office. and just as i am sitting there looking at it, and governor huckabee is walking by because his office was down from h mine, and he said, hey, greg, how you doing? and i said, hey, governor, i have a book for you, and he is looking at it, and he said, this is great, greg, congratulations. you must be very proud and i'm looking at the cover, and he said, hey, greg, how do you spell your last name? i go, why? and he goes, well, do you have and i in your last fame?

isn't it gutfeld? and i look at it, and they have e spelled my name wrong on the book. on the book. this is amazing, okay. this is the first run, and i don't know how much they printed out 20,000 books, but they had to kill it. they had to pull all of the covers off, and so there are only a few of these books around and this is what is called the are collector's item, and the worst part of the story that governor huckabee took great pleasure to tell me this and the governor is a religious person, and he heard the f-word followed by other words more than he had in his entire life and i was screaming down the hall, and screaming, and screaming, and scream, and the governor was just like looking at me like i was insane, and he clearly ex exited out of the fire escape can. you won the book. i are will sign it.

and your name is brad, right? and thanks to stewart copeland, because it is always great to see you. and camille foster, and kat and andr andrea, and i'm greg gutfeld and i love you, america. ♪ >> welcome to "red eye." i'm tom shillue, and let's check in at the desk to see what exciting stories we will be discussing, andy. >> coming up, ted cruz refuses to wear a wisconsin cheesehead ov or any other silly hat. someone doesn't want to make america great again. and there was a quote by hillary clinton, i can't believe that is how they get rid of people on "game of thrones." and we will find out what there is to