hi, i am greg guthfield. here is what's coming up. conservative news story, zuckerberg he will investigate. really, you are getting your news from facebook? plus, the most honest commencement address of the year, you will cry yourself to sleep. let's get started america, i only got an hour on the meter outside. [ cheers ] lets welcome tonight's

guests. he's so sharp, you can shave your legs with his thoughts. he's the author of the great book, "the smartest book in the world." >> he's so titanic leo dicaprio wanted to mountain him. >> his new book, "enemies foreign and domestics." [ cheers ] they don't applause the regulars. >> she's like a sleeping bag, always intense. don't moan, it is free. [ cheers ] and now it is time for another edition of everybody's favorite

sitcom. ♪ >> that's my trump. >> this week, the washington post released audio featuring a donald trump publicist, sounded much like trump. i can tell you that. >> i think i heard it some where. >> i would tell you one thing, that would affect me. well, i don't know what happened but i can tell you that. [ laughter ] >> so is it really donald? if you ask him, you will just upset him, i can tell you that. >> is that something you did

with regularly? >> no, it was not me on the phone. it does not sound like me on the phone, i will tell you that. [ laughter ] that's amazing. trump denies it but why -- just own it, you are a sales man and you are just selling you. you were in love with marla and you wanted her. it is nuts what you did but also romantic. donald trying to impress girls using the classic technique called the testimonial. even when he's making [ bleep ], he's honest. it is like a 1990s version of favoring your own tweets. >> out of love, he became john miller like beyonce coming fierce and eminem becoming slim

shady. president trump can be his own vp and his own secretary of states, do all meetings by phone, he can bengin. hello isis, this is your boss, enough with the killing and buy more trump water. it is like blaming a slice of pizza for burning the roof of your mouth. it is what he does. he sells. he took it beyond the sales floor. look how he beat the media. sales gimmick. for years he gladly did interviews every morning like free examples at kcostco. it is no surprise that now the media bought the whole dam log. trump's that guy who says remember when i helped you move that sofa six years ago, well, i am running for president now.

if it is working for us, that's what it can do for the world. tonight's episode of -- >> that's my trump! who has not done this, right? you have done this. >> oh, sure, greg, when i got on the show i called. then i put myself on the phone and hurled. >> this is burt proops and not the person you heard a minute before. >> no, i have never done it. >> i would never date anybody since we did not do that. >> carl, have you done this? >> oh yeah. >> i am continuing my first job. >> i use my own reference. >> this is like a crank call. >> oh yeah, i used to do this yeah, i didn't want to go to school. yeah, my son is terribly sick and attractive so we are going

to keep him at home. >> donald trump should have o owned it. i invented cat fishing before cat fishing was cool. i am really good at it. >> and everybody in brooklyn sounds the same. he's blaming on that. >> right now there are five trump employees in a room pouring over phone book frs the 1990s looking for publicists named john miller. if they found one, if he's still alive, he's getting $5 million and he's safe. >> i hope he's asian. >> and he picked john miller? >> hi, this is walt mart and i am calling from a place. [ laughter ] >> wow. >> cat, there is a lot of conspiracies and a lot of scandals going on on both sides, where does this one rank? >> hillary scandal is like

people died and this is just funny. i know it is awful and a bad thing to do but i have never done it. i don't have the confident to pull it off which is the case would that be helpful. i am a little jealous of his self esteem. i want it. that's something to be that delusionally obsessed with yourself, i would be sad again and go out at night. >> i would suggest that. >> when your hair is sponsored -- you would have to be trump. >> i would say though i think what he did is what guys do when they're smitten. don't you do crazy stuff? this is something george costanza do when he's impressing a girl. >> they don't call with the same exact voice. the seriousness of this is that

this happened 25 years ago and donald trump has done a great job making all politicians liars and everyone behind it and they often make jokes they are not smart, you get this and why lie about it. >> "people magazine" saying oh, i did it and he got in hot water at the time. it is a joke and this would be over and we would not be talking about it. >> it is a 14 minute commitment joke. it is the kind of man we need in the white house. a man will commit. [ cheers ] >> commit full heartedly to something. he won't back down or get scared. it is brilliant. >> have you not been on any conversation, i have been there, it is supposed to be a two-minute phone call and he does not know how to end it. >> exactly. >> loo i cike right now, i wantt out of it but i don't know how.

somebody say something. i can tell you he's a good guy. >> that's why i love him. he was trying to get this out to marla. i think he's been asking marla for her hands in marriage with the prinup. i cannot believe i am talking about the 1990s and this is a beautiful story, greg. >> it is, if you have an idea of a man to be with an orange man and have his powers all around you and in you, yeah, i guess it is a romantic story. >> this is outside the box thinking though. >> there is no box here. >> no box. >> there is a box but there is a box of a mirror in it and a chamber. he looks at himself and he wants himself and he wants himself more so he sells himself to her. [ laughter ] >> true, true, you know what it is? remember that enthusiasm episode

when larry davis hired somebody to mug his ex-wife's therapist? >> this is how man thinks. >> yeah. >> he saved money rather than hiring somebody else to do it. >> this reminds me, i used to get voice mails about a year ago when i was looking to hire and it was always about you, joanne. >> what? >> i don't know about this, what happened? >> i got a bunch of phone calls and i think we have it. >> did you make those phone calls. >> greg, i hear you are getting your own show, i got to tell you you are making a huge mistake if you are not hiring that girl. >> it is jean again, why are you

not returning my calls. >> greg, it is jane, i am so drunk. if you can hire that cat timpf girl also, yeah, she's really good. yeah, she's the one in the glasses. okay, bye. >> kind of worked. [ applause ] >> you know? i once met a jane in a bar, she was a lovely woman. i had no idea she did this. >> i want to make two-points in trump's defense even though i think this is weird and i think hillary can play off this by saying he's not dangerous, he's just weird. >> the fact is, he led his life as if he was not going to run for office. it is like he got a lot of people who say i know that i am going to become a lawyer and i am going to become congressman or senator, he never thought about -- >> he's still running his life.

>> he's winning. >> let's not forget, who wrote "s&m porn" for a living? >> bernie sanders. >> did he really? >> i also wrote porn briefly. if they have ads for like when you are young for writing and you don't know what you are sending away for it. >> right? i had no idea the letters i wrote. >> lets do a brief transition of trump and house speaker paul ryan. they're committed to working together. the two held a meeting on thursday after ryan praised trump as warm. a very well endorsement gop candidate. >> cat, thoughts on this, legit or sincere or what? >> no. of course, it is not sincere but what else are they going to do.

paul ryan is going to say, okay, i am still standing my ground. he's going wait as long as he can. all right, i am going to support him but secretly hopes that hillary wins so it is four years instead of eight. you know when you count, one, two, three, four, five, you are going to be grounded. all right, four and a half and four and three quarters because they're too scared to put the kids in time out but that's what's going on. >> yeah. >> i think it is like two people in high school that gossips about each other all year and now they're on the same class project and they have to work together. >> going off of that, it is the two kids from different backgrounds who are teamed up for a project and sitting down together and having a real conversation and realizing maybe you are not that bad after all. >> they fall in love. >> as soon as you sit down with trump. he has this warm demeanor about him and has a way to kind of

make you feel special and ryan just feels special. >> i kind of remember the first time you met trump, he did not remember you. >> he did not remember me, i fought real hard on that. >> or if you don't get on my side. >> that meeting was about 28 second and they sat down and trump wrote him a note and he opened it up and he looked at it and he walked out. >> i don't know, they hum together to kid rock's song and and there may have been some cards playing well and some dressed up as wicked emperor. >> if only that were true. that would make me very happy. i don't think the meeting went as well as they claim. >> you know it is an arranged marriage, that's what it is. >> yeah, like saudi arabia.

those always work out. >> they do. don't go anywhere, we got 17 hours left, hope you brought snacks. like a cold virus that cannot go away, hillary cannot shake the burn, will she get locked up for nomination? [ cheers ]

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. there are three things in this world that'll be around forever, the egyptian's pyramid and "grey's anatomy." that's what happens when you say you are going to put coal out of business and claims you are taken out of contact. no one buys it and not even john stewart. what i think of hillary clinton is i imagine to be a very bright woman without the courage of her convictions because i am not sure what they are. >> that's mean bearded dude. >> how will it play out?

sanders is the guy that shows up three hours before the flight and won't leave the counter until they switch his seat from window to isle. he has that tennacity. he's not leaving. did you noticed that greg? >> in "time magazine." every jew has an uncle bernie, okay? [ laughter ] >> you can go to thanksgiving dinner -- you want more gravy? the young ones who vote for him think it is cute because he yells and stuff but they never been to a family reunion. >> up close and personal shoutty. >> he got nothing else to do. he knows if he got out is over. >> i don't think he's going to

go away because of his beloved right now. >> why does he have to go away? >> hillary has super delegates. >> it can change. she's not really that much further ahead of you looking at how the delegates are going. i think it is right for the process. so pressure him to get out, i think it is unfair and wrong. >> he cambridge or do whatever he want to do and whatever old people do. i never see old guy in the gym. >> they tailgate. >> the process keeps ongoing. i wish on the gop side that they have the same thing happen. >> trump is going to get lazy and make that mistake. this is good for the democrats for having that fight. >> keeping her on her toes. >> it is not as locked up as everyone think it is. people are voting for it and he

should stay in. >> for the right reasons, joe? >> i think so. he's beating her in almost demographic voters. i think that goes to kind of what greg was saying. young people like the yelling and all that because it is a movement. bernie -- >> it is like he's having a movement. >> bernie sanders ais as movemet while hillary is a moo-moo, which would you rather to be in? >> you are talking about the dress. >> that's what i mean, it is a play in words, people. >> you are talking about the actual gown >> we watch the "golden girls" here. we all know. >> i wear one, too. greg, remember that time you stopped by earlier? i wear a medalion and i put on a

moo-moo. >> he's promising vote for me and i will give you free crap and that's why everybody is voting for him because they don't know anybody. >> he's got to do something. >> yeah, they take the money and i am quitting today and i am not giving you the $59. >> that's a socialist, i doubt he's going to redistribute it. >> i don't think so. everyone in vermont can get 50 bucks or whatever. they can spend it on syrup. >> you know what? it is a bed and breakfast mafia. >> you love hillary. >> right, no. i actually do kind of like bernie though even though i don't agree with anything he thinks. i kind of want to hang out with him. i kind of twoowant to go to one those dinners.

i can see myself doing brunch like mimosa and i start yelling and telling him too much stuff about myself and i wake up. like hillary, that would not be fun. i would feel like i have to bring a food tester. [ laughter ] >> i would recommend tha that -- thank you. >> i think hillary gets a bad rep about her personality. >> because she does not have one. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] >> look -- she might be -- she maybe a tough lady. >> i love it when people talk about her personality like that when donald trump exists. like he's some spring or kitten a butterfly like he's the one in the night. [ laughter ] >> he screams at everything he says and he has weird wife's eye

makeup. >> clinton can drink, we have all seen her do it. bernie is not going to do that. you are not going to have that happening. he eats soup with a fork. >> you know the myth that bernie is friendly is a myth. people that know him, he's hard to be around. >> he's that guy driving 25 in a 75 and i am stuck behind him. >> go around, why are you honking? >> wrap it up. this is the year of the negative vote. people are going to vote for hillary because they don't like trump. they're going to vote sanders because he's not their daddy but they think he is. >> up next is facebook's stifling conservative story on the trending news section, i don't know, i like to say the word "stifle."

stifle, stifle, stifle,

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looks so good but i am too lazy to make that so i just watch because i am weird. a big percentage of baby boomers getting their news on facebook. it is like getting ekg on craigslist. a reported claim facebook suppress conservative news story on its trending list. mark zuckerberg says there is no evidence but facebook is accused of manipulating the list. articles that were not trending got bigger plays such like pieces like this would show up including mark zuckerberg is awesome. how did mark sucker bezuckerber handso handsome. i better buy a cool hoodie. >> i am sure i love for them to

only put conservatives there. right now let it go and the millenials are still going to get their news from there. >> go on twitter. do don't go on facebook. >>. >> you are talking about my audience. >> live your life or dance like no one sees you and there is a picture of a unicorn. it is easier for that for disseminating this information, facebook is a tremendous source of miss information that i use. >> you can read drug report, it is fine. >> that's where i learned the phrase "yolo." >> why don't we get our information from snap chat. >> that's not a page.

>> what's going on, what's happening? >> it is facebook. [ laughter ] >> facebook. >> yeah, i would pick which marvel super hero i would be. i had it to be six times to be hulk. no, i want to be hulk. it is facebook. >> uh-huh. >> if you are getting your news from facebook -- i am going to unfriend you because you are an idiot. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] i will go on my facebook like right now, world star, kitty does the hula hoops. bernie sanderss beat up the mafia. if i am a conservative i would wear a badge of honor if they are running my stuff on facebook. that information is -- that's what facebook is. >> i am going to report you. that's facebook.

it is facebook. >> is it facebook? >> joking around. cnn -- come on. >> as a man approaching his middle age. i go on facebook to look at high school classmates and see how homely they are. >> and then the ones who are not send a little message to and a lot of infidelity on facebook as well people, not that i know. >> it was a good morning television guest voice. >> thank you very much. i disagree that young people get their news from facebook, they get it from the "daily show" and "late night show." it is not the traditional source of news anymore and i was not aware that the trending topics were necessarily the news topics. i think that's why a lot of people are upset about it. a private company, you should be

skeptical of their practices. any businesses, you should not trust anyone wholeheartedly. >> cat, you trust no one including yourself. yeah. are you on facebook? >> yeah, this is an outrage. this is a gone liberal media suppressing my views. i read really good columns for national reviews that did not go super viral. this is why. >> explain that. >> thanks mark zuckerberg. i see you. >> wow, i don't even know what that means anymore. >> me neither. >> can we just retire the word "viral" by the way? >> no. >> i got that answer rather quickly. i am excited for the next blog, don't go anywhere doomsday ed quit, should you feel obligated to help your neighbors, that's i wanted to know where my family came from.

i did my ancestrydna. the most shocking result was that i'm 26% native american. i had no idea. it's opened up a whole new world for me.

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will you help friends when the world ends? >> this is depressing for the apocalypse is booming. under ground bunkers are reported up across the country. >> it is where i keep my david cassidy figurine. they'll be worth something. they feel the country is doomed after the election. if you spend half a mall prepping for the worse, are you obligated to let your neighbors who did not think ahead to join you in your bunker. we discussed this in a new

segment i am calling -- >> greg's doomsday etiquette. >> i have a feeling that this is right up your alley. >> you can see i am prepared. >> yes. >> the only thing more depressing on my collection is my food collection and the fact that i have prepared for myself and my immediate family and things like that. if my neighbors come over, i really don't like them anyway, no. you have to prove that you can sustain your own life for an extended period of time. but, if you are some sort of having skills then you can come in after you are proved and you can survive 30 days or so. >> you are like a guy like in "panic room" and you are sitting there with a beard.

[ laughter ] >> bye-bye. if i came to your door as a leech, would you let me in? >> if it was you, i know you so no. >> if it was just a neighbor, possibly. all i want is a bag of weed and some papers that can survive the apocalyp apocalypse. >>. [ laughter ] or the zika virus that's going to take us all down or maybe a slurpee machine. >> here is the most important thing that people forget about, toilet paper. >> yeah, that's true. >> i stock that stuff. should you help your neighbors? you should cherry pick your sex slaves because that's what it is going to be about.

it is like 60 people it is like in a club. it is like a huge club. you do splits? you are in. >> lets be real >> there should be a strip club called bunker. >> that's what it is going to be. >> that's frightening to me. because somebody who has no skills. i will be just by utility one of your sex slaves. >> yeah, that's what it is going to be. if there is an apocalypse -- i cannot cook. >> i don't know how to operate a doorknob. >> got to show more skin. we'll all be the victims. i don't see you having a panic room because every room is a panic room. >> i have plenty of can beans and xanax at home. i am not sharing it.

no way, i will be people want to come over. >> you cannot handle me at my watching "teen mom" you don't desed deserved my doomsday etiquette. why not just become the zombie and get the radiation and run around and be the scary person? >> i think you die. [ laughter ] >> i think you die in those cases and you become a zombie or something else. >> i would be dead and a zombie. >> i know what you mean. >> everyone thinking of playing by the rules and playing it safe or whatever. if it is a free for all, you may be free. >> that's what i am saying. you guys stuck in your panic

room but i am a guy that gets caught in a panic. >> my panic room is like 50 shades of gray. i have a cheetah on one chain and greg and a zombie in the other. it started to sound great. >> what i need is an incompetent zombie stalking me. i am not sure what i am going to do about you, i am vague about this. like if we are all going to be doomed, lets die. >> that's true, there is something better out there, i guess. time to take a break, that's some lingo that we use in the tv bid that needs commercials. up next, joe and cat taking apart of a fake speech. ♪

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commencement season when hopeful graduates are dreaming it is possible. >> boo. there you go. that's called a plaus fishing. >> joanne, should we be shocked by this news? >> yes. the future is looking bright for conservative speakers because both cat and i were asked to speak at reyecent graduations a we have the tape. >> former members and faculties and it is my honor to offer this year's commencement address. i know after this that no one will care of what i have to say again. today is a wonderful day for celebration and self reflection

and inspiration. four years ago you were scared freshmen about to embark on an incredible journey. >> four years later you still don't know anything. although this time you are a little older and you are going to keep getting older and less attractive until no one want to touch you. >> you are all winners. with the degree in your hand, you will want to accomplish anything. you can weather any storm, find yourself unable to compete with the u.s. population who are sociopaths, not limited by moral

constraints, who will screw you over, crush your dreams in pursuit of their own. congratulations and best wishes. >> congratulations. best wishes. good luck. you're going to [bleep] need it. [laughter] >> that was pretty harsh. pretty harsh. do you owe them an apology? >> no. they owe me a thank you. >> wow. well, anyway, any commencement address ideas? >> yeah. i don't think it's a coincidence that you wouldn't want conservative speakers at your commencement address, because you want to believe that there's a future that includes women and minorities, that we won't be shooting each other from trucks, whatever, that "duck dynasty" is not the future, that we live in an idiocracy.

>> i think tyrus is going to hit you. >> no. i was going to hug him. i'll be honest, i went through two congratulations, two. different. college. high school. both commencement speeches could have been conservative, liberal, jesus, sounding like this, just keep your head up, don't throw up. the speech was pointless, because i really didn't care. i just wanted to get out of there. the graduation thing is for the parents. >> did you graduate from college? >> yes, i did. >> san mateo? >> berkeley. >> oh, you went to cal? >> yes, i did, but i lived down the street from csm, where you went, college of san mateo. >> i dropped out after 9-1-1, joined the military. after writing two books, running for congress, running a couple businesses, being a ceo, i

decided to come back and get my degree. this generation is hopeless. welcome to the workforce. we have 93 million people out of the workforce, but compete 5% unemployment somehow. good luck. >> you wrapped into everybody conservative talking point into -- >> i don't speak from a point. i speak from the heart. >> you don't have a heart, because it's been enlarged by cocaine! all right. up next, our final thoughts. i don't think any show has ever come up with this concept, but everybody will have a final thought. you won't want to miss this. kellogg's® frosted mini-wheats®... 8 layers of wheat... and one that's sweet. for the adult and kid in all of us. ♪

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>> we're almost out of time. so -- >> what you've want to say all show, but haven't had the chance to say, so here's your chance to say it right now. >> all right. any final thoughts? >> yeah. i was on "red eye," the other night, and tom is terrific. knocking it out of the park. i can't remember who the old host was, but a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. also, automatic my friends, conservative and liberal. >> yes. tyrus, thoughts? final. >> ooh. >> well, that really was a final thought. you put a lot of thought into that one. >> i'm still there. >> carl, anything? >> no. i brought a copy of my book for all the people in the audience today. [cheers and applause]

get it, read it, or prop up your monitor, whatever you want to do. >> that was a really good final thought. >> that was. >> very generous. >> kat? >> yeah, i don't know. i guess i don't understand why relationships with men with me are so difficult. i have a great relationship with my dad. i don't know why that doesn't translate. >> refer back to the zombie segment. >> you caught me at an emotional time. >> joanne, anything? >> yes. i want to say congratulations to rider university class of 2016 who graduated yesterday. that's where i went to school. it's awesome. congratulations. >> excellent. great show, great audience. thank you! i'm greg gutfeld. i love you, america. [cheers and applause]

welcome to "red eye." i'm tom shillue. let's check in with andy levy at the "red eye" tease desk. >> coming up on the big show, donald trump's long-time palm beach butler talks about what he finds interesting. some of the other people who find him interesting work for the secret service. and an artist known for his group nude photos is looking for a hundred women to pose with during the republican convention. see kids, this is why you want to be an artist. and a new emoji for professional women or as tom calls them, the make me a sandwich