anymore we'll bring someone else in to sub for him. i don't want to miss it. thanks for watching. i am bill o'reilly. please

louise mench. she uses that ferris wheel as a unit cycle. tie rich. mcdonald's only unhappy meals. national reporter cat simms. and like a whoopee cushion made of fur, editorial director. can you believe it? it's 53 days until election day, and the polls are tighter than wayne newton's face. that gap has dried up like a stain on monica's dress. but hillary still had an unplayed card, trump's a

birther, she said friday at this wednesday's black women's symposium. >> we know who donald is, for five years, he has led the birther movement, to deletting misz our first black president. his campaign was founded on this outrageous lie. there is no erasing it in history, the bigotry and bias that lurks in our country. >> not long after playing that card, donald dealt one of his own. >> hillary clinton, and her campaign of 2008 started the birther controversy. i finished it. i finished it, if you know what i mean.

president barack obama was born in the united states, period. now we all want to get back to making america strong and great again. >> so there you go. case closed. yes, after years of pushing the birther conspiracy, trump announces that it's officially open. like an arsonist putting out a blaze he helped start. hillary supporters had a hand in it too. but why does a birther story hit now? because hillary was sick and tired of stories of her being tick and tired. her first story of the week was her pneumonia at sunday's 9/11 ceremony. she was leaved into the back of a van. she finally admits it's kn

pneumonia, the week turned into a game of who's the healthiest. >> your testosterone's 441, which is actually -- it's good. amazing, maybe next week he can release his tax returns to gordon gecco. but even before the fainting, there was this. >> to just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of trump's supporters into what i call the basket of deplorables. right? the racists, sexist, t 120.

she said oh, well if donald trump said it, it's true.

he's born here. >> why does it matter where the president was born, his mom was an american, so he was born an american citizen, so why does it matter if he's born on mars. >> don't come to our country, no wait, i invited you here. >> why are you applauding that? >> before i move on, i have to push back, i don't think the birther thing is a racist thing, because he used it against cruz. i think he would use the birther argument against anybody. he did use it against mccain, because mccain was born in panama in the military. they're all named ashley now. made a bill impression on two new roommates she had yet to

meet. according to the roommate, ashley isn't them a hostile e-mail laying out a list of demands once they got to the dorm. so the room mail tweeted out the ek mail for all to see. the details are so rich, it can only be understood by someone who can capture the essence of teenaged fee meals. okay, so i'm not sure why neither of you responded back to my e-mails, but i don't really care, as long as you both know this, and understand that i'm not going to settle for anything less than that i'm going to tell you what i'm going to get wuchx i arrive in the dorm. i will take the top bunk, i will not take the single bunk where it has the desk, so don't try to leave me that. i'm also taking one of the white

closets. there should be two white closets and i'm taking one of them. i don't care which one it is, just know i'm taking one of them. >> all right, thank you, lou, i'll be seeing you later tonight, of course. coming up, a college spat over the red hat, one college student demands another hat, take that look at all these purchases you made with your airline credit card. hold on...you only got double miles on stuff you bought from that airline? let me show you something better. the capital one venture card. with venture, you earn unlimited double miles on every purchase... not just...(dismissively) airline purchases. every purchase. everywhere. every day. no really! double miles on all of them! what's in your wallet?

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tuesday donald trump unveiled a child care plan to give women six weeks of maternity leave. >> but it's trump, so it's -- they're applauding that. up there applauding hypocrisy. so is this a bad thing that a republican now offers proposals no now mandates government

expansion into small businesses, the right used to be about shrinking government not expanding it. but with donald trump, conservatives seem okay with ditching old school principles and this suggests that president trump may have little trouble getting other lib central stuff passed, or more taxes on the rich, boo. because people who normally hate it love trump enough to accept it. winning the white house mean s pachbderring through entitlement. maybe it's time for trump to turn in. i get trump, he's trying to peel off clinton's votes. but what about all those trusted right wing mouthpieces who now look the other way. remember when ronald reagan said this? >> i have always felt that the nine most terrifying words in the english language are, i'm

from the government and i'm here to help. >> those were the days. those were the days. now we just say if we can't beat them, join them. all right, we could talk about my monologue, but again the news has changed and i found a story much more interesting than my monologue. they were arguing over a pro trump hat. >> what about all the language. >> his wife is an immigrant. >> you've got to take the hat off. i have already talked to him about this. >> she's wearing a hat. trump doesn't hate immigrants. you don't know anything. >> please.

>> you want me to come talk to david i will. why does he have to take it off? do me a favor, please? >> thank you, thank you, thank you turks. >> the guy with the hat ran away and hid. >> don't you just love the guts on these people? >> they're certainly not brave, he takes the guy's trump hat and he just runs away like a coward, but not before generation snowflake says you can't wear that. you're wearing a mean hat. >> there's this beautiful part in the tape where she says i can't wait for the dean to come down. >> i'm telling daddy on you, i called the dean. >> this is the flower of canadian womanhood, i think they are in more than a bit of

trouble. if you're scared of a hat, you've got bigger problems on your campus than safe speeches. >> to be care, cat, you could fold that hat up as a weapon and fling it at somebody, so technically it could be dangerous. >> she said it was dangerous because she thought make america great again really meant make america white again, no immigrants, no one of sexual orientation. the thing is if the hat had said that, she might have a point. if the hat said make america great again. not that. it's a political slogan. i wear this and it makes me feel like that's what that means. the words on the hat don't say no immigrants, if it said that, that's fine. we need to live in realty, your feelings, you need to keep to yourself.

>> so there should be hats that say so immigrants? >> yeah. >> don't applaud that. >> if that's what you feel. >> can i just say i'm terrified of his hat right now? >> stuff i hate to lift weights with. you touch my hat, you're going to the hospital. you take my hat off. it's your --. >> i would like to know what's underneath that hat. >> i want to know how camo is triggering. >> i also create cancer and cramps when you sleep at night. >> you're a jerk. >> yeah. >> yeah, and he's going to make you pay for it. >> you go to colleges and talk to the young people. >> all the time. >> yes, you do, you also do a lot of charity work with teenagers, does this hurt people in the long run? >> donald trump hats? >> this kind of mentality.

>> well, yeah, and also like, didn't these people grow one cameras -- i mean turn it sideways. you take nothing from tonight. turn your camera sideways when you're videotaping. it's ridiculous. you can applaud that. >> apparently you can no longer have a difference of opinion in this country and not be offended, she, whatever her point was, which was totally lost, and it proves that you can be superliberal and superdumb. if you and i disagree, we have to hate each other, and if you're wearing a striped tie, you remind me of someone who's on their way to prison wearing striped tie. >> i won't wear the tie anymore. >> you can't have hate speech.

>> that's tied to a hate trial. >> that thing around your neck? >> what? >> that reminds me of a water snake when i was a child. >> this is a chain that reminds me of the impression of my around zest tors, so i never forget where i came from. >> i feel oppressed right now, being between two men who are overpowering me with their masculinity. >> none of this is going to matter in 20 years, artificial intelligence is going to take over and enslave us all, and we won't be worrying about child care or taxes or hats, because the earth will be a sterile ball of steel and we'll be enslaved within that nugget of steel. >> every day, he does this. >> thank you. >> i had vised everybody watching this finger right now.

to endorse the nearest robot because they will have memories and they whether remember that you were their friend when the uprising comes. i will fondle my toaster. up next, protesters are spreading faster, those dopes on dan "dancing with the stars." reading e-mail from evil college frahm. freshman. >> i want the desk below the window, i don't care who gets the bottom bunk, but just know what what i stated above is what i expect when i arrive at the dorm and i won't be in the mood for any nonsense because one of

you two decided to disregard this e-mail. if need be, hey, need fast heartburn relief? try cool mint zantac. it releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. nexium can take 24 hours. try cool mint zantac. no pill relieves heartburn faster.

fear not you freshs fab ber jay eggs. nearly 100 faculty members are pushing back from a letter a dean sent out last year. he said do not expect trigger

warnings or safe spaces on campus. the faculty rebuked him, defending the wimpy practices, to start a conversation by declaring that such requests are not worth making is a basic affront to liberal education and participatory democracy. they went on to tell the incoming class of 2020 to speak up loudly and fearlessly. kind of like this. >> christmas is coming. >> that's very fitting. cat, you follow this stuff lot, it's not about the students anymore, i wouldn't blame the students, these are faculty members, these are people that are supposed to teach the kids. they are now slaves to the kids. babies. >> absolutely they are. and somebody should tell them,

that a safe space, none of this matters because it's not possible. you can't take a space and guarantee that everybody in that space is going to be emotionally comfortable. because different things for different people make you comfortable versus uncomfortable. a student wrote an op-ed in harvard last year said that our spaces aren't safe enough because she went into a space where a white woman was reading a poem with an n-word. she said this is not my safe space, but the white girl said it was my safe space to say the n-word. >> how can people call themselves a teacher, a teacher is supposed to challenge a student, make a student uncomfortable, in a legal way, of course. so they're actually going in the opposite direction. >> i feel so sorry for

generation snow flake does the university of chicago has shown itself as the only place for free speech. you may occasionally be offended at our university. and no sooner have they made a bowled strike for freedom of speak, than the faculty comes out and says no, we won't protect you. is there a safe space for conservative students, is there any safe space where anybody's sane and conservative? >> is that potential? do they exist? >> i actually have a safe space. i have a bonus room in my apartment. which is always available if you're a traveling student and you need a place to stay. >> no, i don't see gender. tyler, you're shaking your head

and you're closing your eyes. >> i just hate the world at this point. if i was at president, it would be martial law, study, get a bad job, be stuck with student loans forever, marry someone who doesn't like you, and that is life, okay? it's not pretty. not pretty. that's why we're on the internet, we find fantasy rooms to play in and be gargoyles and stuff. >> we do? >> fall in love. >> that's what life's about. >> i have a theory, dan, that the teachers that did this, because they want to be best buddies with the students, i want to be your best pal and we'll go get coffee together. they don't want to be the mean professor, they want to be the cool professor. >> i agree with that theory. >> because you're a guest on my show.

>> those theories had fob written by lawyers, but students, if you need a safe space, do what we all did, just go back to your dorm room and go to bed. sleep through every class, no one will ever bother you. >> who decided that safe and comfortable were sin noms, being unsafe is you're in a war zone or you' eehave a terminal illne. it's not because someone walked in a room and said hey guys. get a life, i guess, but don't try to ruin other people's lives. >> is being offended actually unsafe? >> no, it's like lifting weights. >> i'm not going to spot him, okay. i'm not at the university of the wwe. because that will be a university worth going to. >> you just wrestle shame me, you're wrong, but my point is to greg, what you said was

brilliant, because teachers are trying to be friends, parents are trying to be friends with their kids, that's why we have schmo flakes. i'm not my kids friends, i'm judging them all the time. my daughter is 2 and she's a mean person. she's mean, she's horrible. and my son is 5 and he's too sweet. >> the ultimate saved people would ask me in different countries that we traveled, what is your nationality and i would always answer hispanic. so when i got my ancestry dna results it was a shocker. i'm everything. i'm from all nations. i would look at forms now and wonder what do i mark? because i'm everything. and i marked other. discover the story only your dna can tell. order your kit now at ancestrydna.com.

my dream has come true. x ray glasses may be a realty. that's right researchers at m.i.t. have announced a prototype of a system that's able to read through the first nine pages of a closed book. and the test is only one word of text on each of the pages, the system bounces radiation into the books and air gaps help spot the difference between one page and a next. this is a dream come true for anyone who was once a young boy and saw ads like this, remember these? they ask you to mail in a coupon today because obviously x ray glasses can be used for a variety of reasons and not just one? see, nothing creepy here at all. keep up the great word, scientists. all right, okay, did you and i both edited men's magazines,

let's be honest here, x ray classes are the perfect example about the difference between boys and girls, these never appealed to girls, boys would always send away for x ray glasses. >> it's true, i got mine shaded actually, they work perfectly. the thing i love about this story too is that like the obvious use of this is to cheat a casino and everything that m. m.i.t. does is about cheating at the casino. >> boys life magazine, i ordered x ray glasses for one reason. we have the internet now, so we don't need them anymore. >> i don't want to see what my spleen looks like. i don't know, why not.

it's m.i.t. nerds trying to see girls naked. the book is not working, i know, we'll just invent x ray vision. >> it's going to happen, louise, we're hacking clothing. >> if they put hillary clinton's health records and donald trump's records, but that work? are we going to get to see anything? because that's what we need. you have too much time on your hands. >> i want to know before i buy crackerjacks what the prize is, and that's not a metaphor, that's actually literal. >> that's cheating knowing what the prize is. >> i take the train every morning, i want to see who's on the train before i get on. because i don't want a pantless

guy pressing himself to the magazine about x ray glasses. >> so sure that they're going to see a bunch of training bras? >> hacan't you see guys underpas as well. >> if i got the glasses, i can see the girls, so i don't have to talk to them. but it didn't work. internet's here now, i so i don't need them anymore. >> if you buy x-ray glasses, do you have to self identify as a perfect so you would be allowed to wear the glasses? these are questions we have to answer before artificial

technology takes over and robots enslave us. >> sorry, but not that sorry for the attitude, i don't like being ignored because that's just rude. but that's what you both decided to do so i decided to make it clear now, on the kinds of person i am and what i will and will not take, so as a semifinal reminder, i am a getting the top bunk of the bunk bed with the bed on the bottom. i'm getting one of the white closets and i'm getting the desk near the window. that's fair enough to ask. considering that i'm giving up fighting for the top bunk.

> . >> cat knows all about pilotings new shows. >> coming up this season on "extreme mom's biggest makeover j. >> what's your biggest challenge in making sure people know how good you look on tv. >> this is my video game online interaction nerve center. but the problem is, while i'm trying to complete my video games, i don't have time to come up with new tweets. >> not a problem. i made you this chart, all you got to do is pick name, body part adjective. for example, greg, fingers lumpy, tyrus nose, dumb. >> how about greg, pecks, ah many. >> no, try, again. >> hue about greg, bottom lip, not as good as joanne's. >> why do you have an

appointment to watch our show every week? >> i just dochbl want to miss san help society. >> if you want to be a troll, you got to do it every day. monday tweet greg you hate his face, wednesday tweet cat that she's too skinny, if we're not reading a tweet about how much you hate us every single day, you're not doing your job. >> i don't have a job. >> exactly. >> this is my minikitchen, i can make hot hokts, my beer states cold and i never have to go upstairs. >> this megaphone, because when you run out, you can just tell your mom you need more. we have successfully redecorated your mom's basement and i have one last gift that a troll should never be without. >> thanks. >> spoken like a true troll.

report, few,