at the federal law enforcement officer annual event was. that's tomorrow night. follow me on twitter and into graham. thanks so much for watching met. president trump smiled and said nothing. he was taken a weird smile and the mona lisa, a weird smile. now he's smiling at the fact that wikileaks is going whole hog against the cia. trump seems to be smiling past the graveyard here. a smiling president? let the impeachment begin.

[applause] so somebody nominated president donald trump for the nobel prize. it could be real or bogus who cares? what took you people so long. think about all he's accomplished so far. doctor mott market is growing. illegal properties are falling in several new patents got discovered. [applause] this guy is amazing. it kinda reminds me of a movie. in a world where leaders one man hit fast-forward and change our lives forever. he's looking awesome. donald trump, all right and david spade. executive action for rated mag,

making america great. >> winning. [applause] hold your applause. even better donald trump is foreseen that comedians to lose weight, likely not done who told howard sturm to stop eating because of donald trump. eight he is breathing a sigh of relief. also foreseen other celebrities to eat more, tran4, donald donald trump is making me gain weight. i start the day with liquid but after the morning news i eat pancakes smothered in maple syrup. babs is getting fatter with the batter. i imagine her syrupy fingers are

typing out the teeth and it's getting disgusting and its own fault. maybe lena and babs join forces, babs and benj and lena can purge. you gotta hand it to donald trump. he gets under the skin of people who get under your skin. what else have you done press marked the first month he cut illegal crossings in half. how in life you cut anything in half? if you're michael moore, never. you don't share, you don't split anything, even a hoagie. he reworked obama care and a plus other things, he admits. he took time to feed a gremlin. check this out, it's so adorable. [laughmac] he taught a cat a cell game. you don't know how hard that is. finally he skydive without a

parachute. that's him with dobbs heading down and getting to work. if anyone deserves a prize it's trump. he's arty done more than obama the price should be done not on how much the world loves you but on how much. let's give donald the prize and put them up on mount rushmore right now. how are those other guys out there and not from lincoln -type documents in his, it's just not right. jefferson had a bird named dick. luckily it wasn't the reverse. washington, he was the first president but so what is it easy being first. there are no predecessors, so no comparison but when you're the 45th, there's a lot to measure up to.

not bad. job numbers are up, fuel pipelines are being built, feeling in the sectors are being addressed. who knew vladimir would be such. [applause] let's welcome our guests. he's sharper than a number two pencil. a communist at the harper magazine walter kern. she only eat on happy meals, cat seven. and finally, a hula hoop is pinky ring, tyrus.

let's start with you. you're a weirdo. you thought trump was going to win. i remember. fifty-one days, how do you feel chris marquis for filling promises to keep fulfilling his promises. he's driving the media crazy and selling out our country to russia yet i haven't noticed any change. he's bringing jobs back from other countries that needed them more than we did. [laughmac] i think he's doing fine. we know everything about his phone calls to foreign leaders, when he gets in fights with people. he's the most transparent administration in history, so far. all the spies are leaking everything that goes on. >> he won't shut up about it. he treats it. what's your take on this guy?

i was very critical of him during the campaign but there are other things that make me think he means it. he actually means. >> is interesting. there are people on the left, chuck schumer and nancy pelosi and they would have you believe that every decision, every executive, every nomination is a beginning of the end of the republic. given him a lot of opportunity to cry wolf. they cry so much, that they've lost their voices. it's funny, he's doing exactly what he promised to do and so people who are supporters this is fantastic news, this is a fulfillment of his political allies never seen. he's doing exactly what he promised and in the end, we'll

see how this great experiment plays out. so far, i'd have i'd have to say that he has the edge. >> i agree. this happened when you don't drink, to never have a hangover. you get up in the morning and get a lot of work done. i don't think you are capable of doing nothing. you couldn't see him lying on a beat or pay is failing with richard branson. i don't think that kind of person i can imagine what i could accomplish if i didn't drink. i'll never know. [laughmac] obviously the idea of being nominated for the noble prize is absurd. what is more absurd is the fact that obama actually won one to preemptively. that.he had done nothing except maybe the flag with the peace sign. but liking peace signs gets you a nobel peace prize? they're throwing them down if

this concerts. >> what is your take so far on he acted on the five, i called him the fedex president because he's delivering promises overnight. >> i'm trying really hard to respect the office and donald trump is doing some things that he said he would do. for that i commend him. the other stuff is just not needed. your winning, you one. don't get mad at six in the morning. maybe she should have a day to drink. i said that a lot of times, i've been there, i called called a woman once and i wanted to see my kid but i never dated her. you know how trump is when he gets that. stop with the extra stuff.

you're putting everybody's credibility in a bind because you're fighting their unproven stuff. they're faking stuff under. organizing activities and for people who are attacking him he understands the power of the presidency and that were of the office so much better than his predecessor which is surprising because obama was such a celebrity on the left. what he did it do, was reach out to republican and senators and people in congress and say let's come in the oval office. president tromp realizes that he has to take people who are his greatest attractors, people who attacked him relentlessly and bite them into the oval office because they are powerless to that aura that they pipe in from

a russian vodka distillery. >> imagine if trump lost this month they would be in full throated mockery. instead, there were dobbs gained and the media doesn't realize it because it hasn't been gained in michigan and pennsylvania where the media never goes. it's invisible. >> flyover jobs. >> why should i care coming up a story so fresh you want to mock wash his mouth out with soap. [laughmac] how's the new project going? check it out. lights. meeting configuration. blueprints. call hruska. we've gotta set up a meeting. sure. how do you spell that?

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men. the men by the way to make up 95% of liquid weights treatment operators and allow you to flush whenever you flush on your precious day off. and the third way, where read. they iran out of creative things. [laughmac] how the day go for the protesters, they were arrested for blocking traffic outside of trump international hotel because blocking roadways shows them what a day without women look like. thirteen women were arrested in new york alone and were unreleased with an unspecified court date. one woman who didn't get a arrested is the same. instead she showed up with her job and it annoyed people on the streets. let's which he found out. in a day without women, there's rallies all across the country but i decided to strike the strike otherwise known as working. let's check it out i'm working because i can't take a day off because i just know no man could crank out the hot cakes and i'm

cranking out all day long. i'm a hot cake machine cranking them all day long like no one else. >> congratulations. i bet you do your job. >> a very hot cake too hot you couldn't take on. >> what about the not topping party not disputing that was mark. >> i'm also not selling anything either. is it okay if i buy stuff today as long as i throw it at a man. >> i am a transporter but i feel bad being here because i want to bond with these women but they don't want to bond with me. >> the best thing to do for women is to invent a baby that's uncrackable. we've got unquestionable, i think we should use that technology on uncrackable. >> that's a great idea.

i would love uncrackable. >> i feel like that we should strike for someone else, sound like i'm saying we should have extra fun at six flags because you can't go to six flags, i don't think anyone would say thank you. >> what you think about not taking care of your kids? >> i think that sad. >> what are you supposed to do if your son's birthday, do you just say sorry and send them to chucky cheese with some dude? >> i don't think you send your kids to chucky cheese with some dude. i'm not a parent but that's good advice. >> my biggest workplace issue is this guy that same will not stop

microwaving fish at the office. >> i think it's also sexist that the woman has to clean up the thing. the woman in the workplace, this in the workplace is a feminist issue. i'm on board. >> i decided to go to the biggest offender where every day is a day without women, with men's warehouse. [laughmac] excuse me sir are you aware that you're contributing to wake oppressive matriarchal society? don't interrupt me. i am going to stay here and protest until it becomes everyone's warehouse. [laughmac] >> nice work there. did you make any friends #. >> no. >> i could see some potential friends for bonding.

>> it wasn't really fun, there was a lot of yelling. you can yell in your real life, you can yell at work but yelling is not the way to get through to anybody. >> i lock softly swearing at people. how can you take off something you don't have? [laughmac] >> nudist always bring fun. >> what did you make of this whole thing? >> i told him to stop manner updating me spirit i think it's goofy and it promotes victimization in separate is asian and it doesn't honor the right of the individual to complete the task that are implicit within the greatness. what shines forth from every human being and regardless of gender, sexuality. [applause]

>> tyrus, imagine what if you how would you relate with a woman to take a day off? >> nag, nag, complain. it was always me and my buddies, what what killed chivalry. the girls at that march did. i just thought it was funny because i was excited, a day without women i can do what i want to do. there got to be all protesting and wanting stuff they arty have and i was gonna have a giant bowl of cap'n crunch and have my friends over and we would watch espn and we have a guys day. >> the phone kept ringing and hey that woman was calling me. leave me alone.

it didn't work like that. i went to my same restaurant, the same mean waitress was there. why are you here? i was going to cook myself. go away. it was our day technically and it didn't happen. i felt like al bundy in man. >> i have a theory that women are harder on women than men are. what about the bitterness directed at women that don't join women. teachers take off and they see a woman that didn't take off, how do they treat her? i feel this actually hurts the people that decided not to take the day off. >> my wife teaches journalism at unlv, a a big public school, big institution that serves immigrants in their family and college students and she has three kids to teach. if she had not showed up that day, 30 immigrants would it be getting an immigration. it was a ridiculous boneheaded

move. it was bad for me because i went to hooters that day. [laughmac] if you want hot wings, that busboy has a tray. i'm living in las vegas and i go down to the strip club, and it's like a dog act. it's a poodle playing a glockenspiel a painted a mouse around his bellybutton and was going hello. [laughmac] being without women is awful. >> i think we've learned something today and i don't know what it is. were going to take a break. next, a story so trying you want to fill it with your grandma's juices. i like that one. is your tv spying on you can mark any related story is your coworker sleeping with your

rumba. a word from our sponsor. if you're uncrackable you get all the fun of the baby without the mask. coming in the year you could spend the next few days weeding through w2s, pay stubs and bank statements to refinance your home. or you could push that button. [dong] [rocket launching] skip the bank, skip the paperwork, and go completely online. securely share your financial info and confidently get an accurate mortgage solution in minutes. lift the burden of getting a home loan with rocket mortgage by quicken loans. [whisper: rocket]

♪ she'll unease you ♪ all the better just to please you ♪ ♪ she's precocious, and she knows just ♪ ♪ what it takes to make a pro blush ♪ ♪ all the boys think she's a spy, ♪ ♪ she's got bette davis eyes marianne: if you are on the east coast it's almost time to spring

ahead. daylight saving time begins at the top of the hour. others are happy we are closer to spring. one of the most high-profile prosecutors is out of a job. preet bharara said he was forced out by the trump administration. jeff sessions asked 46 attorneys who worked for the obama administration to quit. mike pence defending the president's healthcare plan. repealing obamacare was a major campaign promise of the trump campaign. i'm marianne rafferty. don't forget to spring forward at 2:00 a.m. to 101. >> can they see, when they p

through your tv? according to the wise and handsome people of wikileaks, they've released the files that contain details on surveillance capabilities including the ability to hack into an android phone or a sam's monk smart tv which made everyone nervous, thank goodness he converted a concern nation. >> there is no such thing as absolute privacy in america. there is no place in america outside of judicial reach. >> well, i'm screwed. all those movies i made. [laughmac] i've known for a few years that smart tvs have the ability to record and i've taken full advantage of it. see that camera in the corner, it's watching you, every saturday night and you should be ashamed of yourself.

bob, close your bathrobe. [laughmac] carolyn, that's not the right way to use the hairbrush. better you hear it from me then big brother. everyone, from from now on be on your best behavior that includes you, can from topeka. i think he knows were watching him if he adds the music. all of us are going to be exposed and if somebody doesn't do it to us, will do it ourselves. shouldn't it be a privacy mulligan? [crowd boos] no my problem with what james comey says no one has the right to absolute privacy. he says we had no right to

expect privacy. this compromises our basic freedom. if this was false, if if this leak was a fun of phony baloney, the clinton campaign would've done what the cia would have done they would've come out with a strong denial. the clinton campaign said, i don't remember sending those e-mails, it wasn't me. it says essentially that all this stuff is true, government has a capability and they're addicted to spying on you and that is wrong. >> but the spine is fun. team hackers have had this technology for a a while. that happened in california where a hacker watched a girl on a tv. do you remember? he's fantastic. he's age 12 the argument that i

hate is that you shouldn't worry about law loss of privacy if you're not doing anything wrong. if you aren't doing anything wrong, you're a boring miserable person and i don't want to know you. >> who knows? you might someday want to hide something. ethnic themed halloween costume is now a hate crime. >> five years from now who knows what's going to be illegal. >> here's my real problem, the cia is not doing a good job of selling this as a safety technology. a lot of major terrorist events have been disrupted because of samsung spying on people. when they make you argument they need to tell us some of these things. >> i think you're right to things, when you talk about the teenager that can turn on a laptop that's important to note,

you're concerned about security. but you have to think about samsung, tech companies know about this vulnerability and might make us more safe. there's no such thing as vulnerability, only the good guys can use. it opens it up to other hackers, or foreign governments. we might be more safe because of that and i don't expect absolute privacy but i don't understand that i'm guaranteed unreasonable search. that's what the bill of rights is saying. >> the bill of rights can't talk. it's a inanimate object. >> here's the thing, you want technology. you got technology. you can hack into a baby camera and watch kids in their cribs. it's not funny if it's your kid but if it it's funny if it's someone else's kid.

>> if you want technology, the cia is everyone is already doing it. the average guy with computers in his basement can do it. as long as you have wi-fi in your house, that's a gateway to get in. you don't have to be cia to do that. that's why apple comes out with a new phone, they keep updating so it's easier to get into. stop waiting in line to get a new one, get a rotary phone phone if you don't want people getting into your stuff. when i'm done with entertainment stuff, i'll i'll be in montana with a rotary phone. if i don't pick up my phone. >> i think it's good for tech companies to know these things. >> it doesn't matter. >> i completely disagree. it's better for tech companies to come out and say they're going to protect their customers

with better encryption and to know what the government is incapable of doing. especially when they are intercepting tax, e-mails, it's not okay. >> we have to move on. a revelation that will change your life forever but possibly not i can't remember. is nascar going to ruin their own sport, the answer when we come back a new study says mcdonald has the lowest quality food and that means you're not getting a mcbain for your make but. except for maybe the mcrib, the

slugger is now dating jennifer lopez and the pair bonded over their latin roots and they live in new york and their kids, just well. here's hoping you're only on the baseball field. this is the news that's been overshadowed by president trump. if you are in the i didn't know where i was from ethnically. so we sent that sample off to ancestry. my ancestry dna results are that i am 26% nigerian. i am just trying to learn as much as i can about my culture. i put the gele on my head and i looked into the mirror and i was trying not to cry. because it's a hat, but it's like the most important hat i've ever owned. discover the story only your dna can tell. order your kit now at ancestrydna.com.

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today, we bring you sad news. the death of masculinity. nascar probably making things quieter so that fans can talk to each other better. we look back at the long fruitful life of masculinity. >> masculinity was formed in 2000 bc, it was kill or be

killed if you wanted dinner. language wasn't invented so it was key to survival. masculinity was formed and humans thrived. awesome stuff happened around the globe. the.to impress mates so that they would have with you, unles. times were good for masculinity, one small step for man fortunately, it was short-lived.

2004 doctors realized something was wrong. the man was spotted in brooklyn wearing jeans that were four sizes too small for him. that same man was spotted with an extra patch of hair on his head in the shape of a general. masculinity could not be saved culminating in this brings us to today. nascar is considering making its cars quieter and that is how masculinity dies. >> tyrus, that was very educational. is wrestling next? >> well. stop. no. next question. >> you don't think that wrestlers would people would want wrestlers to hug. going to a nascar for consist

conversation, you know where they're going, you shouldn't want to see what happens next but you go and you enjoy it. wrestling you go to a stadium to watch guys fight to the death, and then come back and do it the next week. it's what we do. if you take that away, i don't know what i'll do. don't take it so seriously. >> its like going to a church picnic when you want to get wasted and do body shots off strippers. >> you don't do that at a church picnic? >> no. >> if the church is nonjudgmental ? and there is communion and all that. there's forgiveness and all that >> what about nascar, do millennial's go to nascar because this is about millennial liking nascar?

>> they want to have a more social -- because they're losing interest in cars. there's not much to talk about a nascar did you see that cargo around in in a circle was marked i think it'll do it again. >> if like laundry in the dryer. it's like witnessing the doppler effect. that's why you go. that's why you see supercross and stock-car racing, you go for the buzz and the adrenaline and the racing you want your head to ring with the sounds of the engine so that you still hear it when you sleep and have that great memory. >> let's just have starbucks at the event. >> they haven't gone far enough. they should replace the engine with petals and turn the oval track into a circular pond and

call it the national association of paddleboat racing. it could called napper. i like paddle votes. >> i'm a big fan. >> they are misapplying this idea. it smells of desperation, like you're trying to aps and audience. >> the audience wants louder cars. to say that you want the drivers to drink before they drive. >> that's wrong. >> it was 15 years ago and they had that puck that lit up and it was stupid and that the real fans of hockey, no one really wanted it. it was a gimmick. so they stop doing it is like trying to attract someone who's not attracted to you. >> it's like using wiffle balls in the american league. >> my other problem with this is

that nascar is a sport that is all about wasting fuel, wasting energy and the cars aren't going to go as fast if they're quiet. >> it's like they'll talk it out with i statements. >> i like that. i can't wait for the segment. still ahead the inevitable conclusion of the milky way but conclusion of the milky way but first a new segment where i the following ad is being condensed for your viewing convenience. so i just switched to geico. what took you so long? i know, i saved a ton of money on car insurance. that's what i'm talking about! geico also gives you 24/7 access to licensed agents! booooyah. good game, you really crushed it. no son, geico crushed it. ♪ ♪

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you know what the world needs more of? don't apply yet. greg's heroes is about people that inspire me because they make fearless choices. my first hero looks familiar to some of you, alina becker. don't applaud. does she look familiar to you at all? you've seen her often on this very channel over and over again. i bet you saw her today maybe three times. if you can't figure out who she is let's take a look at her latest greatest work.

>> how are you doing? do you have abdominal pain? i don't think i'll make it. >> for an actor it's easy to play a famous athlete or astronaut or controversial politician but to play it up set gastrointestinal system, it takes guts to play guts this is why alina becker is my hero of the week. [applause] i mildly obsessed with you because i've seen the commercials. >> did you know what you are reading when you got the audition?

>> i had played the voice in the demo months before the commercial was a thing when it was still in the pitching base. all i had seen was a picture, a drawing. >> i'm i'm glad you recognized that. daniel day-lewis fully gets into character when he plays someone did you do the same as regular plain irritable bowel syndrome can the whole day be an irritable bowel syndrome smart if you've noticed someone that has bowel issues, i wanted to make sure that that i didn't make fun of it. i came from a place. >> it came from a good place. >> it came from an honest good place. >> are you? >> he's so polite.

you're horrible to us why can't you be better to us. >> you're like a bratty kid because i have a neighbor over. >> you're like the step kids. >> he loves you apparently. >> you are hijacking the segment. >> i liked your first name it it's got to play guts. >> it looks like he iran awake here. is that your choice? >> they want to make my character more character re- >> it looks like kathy griffin. >> she has been incredibly supportive. >> she's a wonderful person. has it opened the door for you to play other bodily issues for spark. >> my heart and my: belong to

irritable bowel syndrome. >> that's your first love. >> sad but true. >> for playing ivs, you really dive into it. it's like you have a good time. >> honestly, she represents everything i love about comedy. you commit fully and you inhabit a role and to me it's like the best fan. you have a costume and you have someone who walks through the world and upsets people. well-meaning but irritating. i didn't want to tell you greg sent me some books and i haven't read them yet but the first edition was hard to find. >> i'm excited. >> it leveled the playing field. it's the first copy of everyone poops.

not affiliated with my brand at all. i won't tell jokes, i'll keep giving but. >> it is true. everyone does poops it's the great equalizer. >> yes, everybody. thank you for putting up with me. stick around but first let's see what the home audience is up to you. here's our spycam. constipated? trust #1 doctor recommended dulcolax. use dulcolax tablets for gentle dependable relief. suppositories for relief in minutes. and dulcoease for comfortable relief of hard stools. dulcolax. designed for dependable relief. sorry, just getting a quote on motorcycle insurance from progressive. yeah? yeah, they have safe rider discounts, and with total loss coverage, i get a new bike if mine's totaled. but how's their customer service? great. 24/7.

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♪ ♪ >> tom: welcome to red eye. i'm tom shillue. let's check in with tv's andy levy. >> thanks, tom. a new study shows that hillary clinton rent one of the worst political campaigns in years. in retrospect, the election results should of told that. plus a new app that keeps track of how many times women get interrupted by a man. and finally, jimmy buffett is opening up a retirement community called margaritaville. soon, you'll be able to have cheeseburger through a straw in paradise. >> tom: tha y,