even he can't believe it!♪ ♪ [music] >> all right, all right. obamacare more like obama pure. they passed a bill that unravels the affordable care

act. make no mistake about it, make no mistake. >> make no mistake about it, make no mistake. i think most importantly yes, premiums will be coming down. yes, deductibles will be coming down. but very importantly is a great plan. >> a great plan. was it wrong to celebrate a bullet only passed in the house? not if you are schoolhouse rock. they might want to call that up on youtube. >> i was channeling that as well. >> maybe wait on the rose garden and maybe explain to people, we have to get through this as we know. >> not where i came from. we know the bill is not a lot but why not proclaim victory now? >> a big win for the republicans. >> i do not think we can ignore

it but this is. >> this is the victory. >> this is the first legislative victory. we absolutely have to say that. >> now, they have a victory. >> they did not seem too thrilled about it. it was like they were making small talk with their exes fianci. the x who dumped them. even more, the whole thing was evil. maroon 5 evil. >> the majority of members of the house of representatives knew this was a bad bill. what we did today in passing this legislation was absolutely inhumane. >> this will be tattooed to them. and they will glow-in-the-dark. >> wait, a tattoo that glows in the dark? that sounds awesome! i want one! does this bill have one? now as the boat was tallied reporters so democrats actually

chanting. [video] >> so now we know two things. house democrats are better. keeping the majority and chanting. they are like wasted monks. so does this bill help or hurt? under no i have not read it. but there is anyone else. at least i'm being honest. nobody reads bills because nobody means anything. i just got a few pages accompanying my latest drug prescription and all the side effects. it is pretty important but did i read it? no! and i had time! explain my twitch. that is why they make bills so large so nobody reads it!

given the chance that the government will publish a 10,000 page report on how to park and it would still fail! if 1000 years ago government was asked to invest it would look like this. [laughter] government programs of the cafeteria mystery meat. you know it is that when you pray you never have to use it. look at obamacare, everyone knew it was bad at the start but so what let's do it anyway! you know the prank when you freeze a fish and duct tape it to the underside of the seat in your friend's car? so it doesn't start sticking until days later and you are already gone? that is kind of what obamacare was. it stinks! and obama is already gone! [laughter] probably beating up elderly men in a boat. my solution for healthcare, you have to simplify this crap. insurance should cover the big step and that we pay for the

rest! after all, car insurance pays for the crash, not for the oil change.which reminds me, why all the commercials for car insurance, but there are so few for health insurance? as we are a captive audience. competition is the only mechanism that forces everyone to cater to the customer. i.e., the patient. but i have to give trump credit. he went back to the drawing board after the initial failure. he really is a salesman trying to turn know into yes.he says guys of the car dealerships, bill of wearing redundancy by the under coating . maybe we got about we just don't know!maybe rachel knows, let's check in. >> the silence of the lambs, the guy who wants to kill us. the president is hannibal lector. [laughter] >> i think she has other things

on her mind. [applause] let's welcome tonight's guest. he is so sharpies on all commercial flights. political -- he - he - i've never seen that before! he is bright and funny looking electrocuted his comedians andrew schultz. [applause] she owns eight cats and they all interested in a table. cohost of the boston special --. and google earth classifies him as a city. actor, former bodyguard, are you a myspace model?

my sidekick cyrus. let's go down the line here and start with you amy. what do you make of this whole plan. good, bad or indifferent?what are your thoughts? >> like you i do not know the bill. but i do think it was a win and a victory. i think republicans needed it after the budget bill which even rush limbaugh says right vote republican. democratic budget? they had the republican fiasco in march. i am expressing surprise at the presidency. >> and it is so honest he was like i can't believe i am president! it's i-5 be a with the butter. it did not make any sense andrew. >> it made sense to me. >> that's because we same thoug. how have you been? >> i am great how are you?

i am great! government programs are morbidly obese men that stick to the bed. he cannot get them out unless you use a crane. >> are you fat shaming? >> no i'm fat! what do you make of this? >> i disagree with you in the healthcare should cover. i think it should cover the little stuff and we should pay for the big. >> how would we afford to do that? >> excuse me -- what i'm saying is i will use the little stuff more. like i have an emotional security when it go to a place like sweden and another girls on birth control. >> right, okay. >> so i want to bring that to brooklyn. [laughter] >> i don't care about the crazy car crash or things like that that might or might not happen. birth control is a monthly thing. and i make mistakes. >> you do? >> birth control is a daily

thing. that is one of my mistakes. >> yes! >> but the thing is a cost maybe six dollars a day when a car accident will cost you millions! >> you are the problem! you are the problem! you live on the word if. >> yes that and nuva ring. >> okay what you think about my solutions? catastrophic health insurance only cost about $800, right? >> that is what insurance is supposed to be. the event of something big. it is not supposed to be like diet counseling, contraception. i think birth control should be sold over the counter just like plan b. >> you cannot get over the counter? >> no, you can't. [inaudible]

>> but insurance companies, getting them involved inflates places so this plan just gives insurance companies more involvement. i would not be surprised if it inflates prices and that will be a bummer. i know everyone is celebrating but for some reason i am not that excited. >> you know that is you and not tyrus. >> know that what you did like the car insurance protecting health insurance should be like that. maybe i just want, in case something big happens i just have the insurance chlamydia want to cover a couple little things, go through my little list and pick. you want full coverage, partial coverage or oops coverage. why haven't new girlfriend and she scary and i am afraid to sleep at night coverage. >> you should get a lock on you

to appear. >> this cannot be a one-size-fits-all. and many aspects of this conversation. yeah. >> speaking of, i want to welcome a new sponsor to the show. tonight sponsor has a cure. >> do you take full responsibility for your own failures and make your mistakes, admit when you are wrong? why suffer in silence? night make your failure someone else's fault. with blameitall. it works with the brain's receptors doubly replace a sense of responsibility with wild accusations. do not live with this. >> just blameitall on the fbi and vladimir putin. >> you certainly interviewed in the election and it was clear

he interfered to hurt me and help my opponent. >> this helps you cope with public failure and blameitall. >> affected not happen on the tri-seventh i would be your president. [inaudible] [applause] >> okay. we have a lot coming up against. where there is smoke there is where there is smoke there is always a wiener.ways wins.

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do it different again. and anthony weiner a.k.a. bold. for what reason were they sent to him to do something totally disgusting with them! >> was there classified information on congressman weiner's computer? >> yes. >> who sent it to him? >> is then spouse,, -- >> like i said, gross! who prints out emails? anyway why wasn't she charged? >> we did not have an indication she had a sense that what she was doing was in violation of the law. >> he could not prove any

criminal intent. >> in other words she is off the hook because she is stupid. i use the same excuse that many arby's bathrooms. still, it wasn't even the most intriguing part of the testimony. that was later when the junior senator from new kansas, once again discovering an incredible piece of information. >> director calmly, how excited are you to be talking to me today? >> great question senator, thank you.wes i know it is a great question, that is why i asked it. >> bless your heart james. the pleasure was all mine. >> is it true the fbi recently discovered a scientist of the time machine out of the delorean powered by uranium stolen from the libyans? >> in october 2015 we confirmed it existed and said a not another word. >> hypothetically. couldn't you use the said delorean to travel back in

time, bet on sports and become ridiculously wealthy? >> it has been done, it has been done in the past. >> did you travel to last year's world series" event on the cubbies? >> yes. >> with you drop something when you were there that prove you were from the future? >> that would be really bad! >> that's what i am saying! we are talking about a chain reaction that could destroy the entire universe. knowing that would you still go back? >> it would not change the decision. everyone that agrees with me has to go back to the 28th with me. >> it was a dope world series. >> you would do the same thing. >> i would not do that! >> i would still make the same decision. >> last question. if he did take another trip back in time say maybe to see a series premier of elf,

connecting with you? >> i wouldn't say publicly but i would find a way to let you know. >> and thank you. [applause] >> .do any of that stuff on that specialist show. [laughter] andrew, this story does not cut away. it means killing and anthony weiner - >> first of all i want to know, i thought as democrats we are supposed to care about the environment. so why are we upset that anthony weiner is printing out a rain forest every night? should that be a big deal? does masonic symphony tell your girlfriend when you're cheating on her? >> and she said oh no john used my phone to text.

it has nothing to do with me. it's just a little fishy. >> is hillary not have a printer? >> that is very weird. question what universes he made sense to send classified emails to a got his sons out pictures of his private parts? [laughter] >> hold on, hold on, hold on! who knows what he does on his private time and he is thought out? >> when he clocked out he was about you know - [laughter] >> actually incentive from the congressional - >> i am going to say 15, i will be right back. boom! i do not care about pictures or whatever if the letter of the law says she broke the law, i just feel like we have this double standard it seems like when it comes to certain laws. when i was growing up, if one

of my homies or something broke the law it was you know they did not even ask me! >> did he not know how to work a printer? none of this makes sense to me. i think printing is a thing you can do for yourself. >> yes and for others! a lot of people print their own greeting cards. >> my parents do not know to double-click! [laughter] if you don't know how to double-click i don't know if you can be president. there is some correlation between your ability right there. >> i think it is all too rare that she is speaking to her husband. i am like why are you communicating with that man? >> this is before the documentary. which by the way was - fast forward to the part we see her hit the pavement. it comes with the heat texture again. and she goes - would have to

run through mcdonald's. [ >> you are about to - >> if it was small he would not be sharing it. when it is small you don't send pictures of your private parts to a girl. -- >> this conversation went way off. >> let me just shift away from that arena. i just hope, okay, hillary is going away. bill is going with. you better not unload chelsea on us, okay? she is even more entitled.she is more entitled and her mother without her dad's unbroken charisma. she makes amy carter look like maggie thatcher. >> i'm calling you on this one. so nepotism is cool for one side but not the other? nepotism means we let your family -- so it is cool for one side and not the other? we are going to see a lot of

this and as voters we should not put up with it. >> but i do not want to see more chelsea clinton but they will force her, right? she has to be president or she's going to be grounded! [laughter] >> you have to have that printing name go on. quest yes, they do. all right we have to move on. still to come, stephen colbert says something shocking about donald trump. yes, believe it or not this is still a story.let's take you ba

greg gutfeld show". [applause] >> all right, last monday stephen colbert tore into donald trump like a breeder. before i roll this tape it is very lewd, turn it up so everyone can hear it. [video] now come of course we had to cut that but you get the joke. was it offensive? i don't know, i have done worse. often for money in a hotel room, just up as peter pan. [laughter] >> predictable outrage ensued

saying that he should be fired and two days there he responded. >> if you saw my monologue on monday, you know i was a little upset with donald trump friend something a friend of mine. so the end of that monologue had a few choice insults for the president in return. i do not regret that. so while i would do it again, i would change a few words that were cruder than they needed to be. >> so he did not let the jokes, just the language. again, i don't care! it is jokes, words. if you don't like it don't listen! i hope one day those other guys might say the same thing for me. see stephen colbert is afforded something i will never have. liberal protection.if your heart is in the right place, and mine is always in the wrong! then you can say what you want as long as your job matches the assumptions of your peers. i will never demand an apology but one will be always demented for me. it is painfully obvious that if

i made the same joke about president obama i would be marched into the atlantic with - around my neck. that is okay, i will defend those who may never defend me. because i am a nice guy and there are -- [applause] >> andrew, have you ever been in a situation like this before? does this infuriate you? >> everybody is a sissy. it's fine, i am cool with it. this is all the way on twitter is get into these things. >> yes, i have seen this with you! >> it happens. arvid did not care what he says. i'm only offended by things are not funny. but i respect the attempt. a lot of times a look at comedians as like firemen. it's not your job to save them. it is your job to try. so is not our job. you know what i mean? they say you know if they don't save the people in the burning

building, you're fired! >> you're comparing comedians to firemen! [laughter] you are the real hero! >> listen, i do comedy every day. the point i'm trying to say, it is funny. i am with going out there. i am with trying to joke. i think that his rent was that funny? no, but go for it. i think posturing is a new turn. i'll use that in my private life. it sounds like a lot of fun and i have agreed not to do anything about male private parts in this segment. [laughter] >> you tell a comedian not to say something and it turns a switch on in their brain that says, now i have to! now i have to! if i went home and i did not

than i would have done something wrong. can we say a doodle do holster? >> he missed the point, is not that was crude it was homophobic. he was going through a list of insults for the thing he reached for the heat that would be the real grand slam was to make the comment. remember what we just listened to. he was comparing being gay to having cancer. [multiple speakers] >> it was in the list of insults. >> hosting a foreign leader is bad. which i think we should all agree. >> also the nazi rogaine thing. that made no sense. >> guerrillas are people too! i am often compared to one. -- the last gorilla got shot.

not on my watch, okay? >> okay. >> leave guerrillas alone. quest your point how it was a democrat will be different. it was a democratic president. i don't think in somerset donald trump is a republican i think it is more because donald trump is donald trump. he has made it very clear that he is a different kind of dude. and the rules do not really apply as much. >> wait a minute. david schuster and he was at msnbc he made remarks of the clintons were pimping out chelsea. >> but that was not a comedian some joke.>> what he got fired for that. so there is a double standard. >> and you know, andrew you can answer this. without using the p word. people 07 but there is no edgy right-wing comments but it is because edgy as defined in the

world comedy is something that stephen colbert would do. would anyone on the right would be crucified.>> of course! mike made a great point about this. he says what the left does advancing this as a liberal. when we don't like someone we make them radioactive. now i don't even have to engage with your ideas. get away from me! >> when you going to make me radioactive? >> right after the holster ring. [laughter] >> i walked into that one. oh yes, i am going to get a call on monday. but you know, is worth it because so far it has been a great show. [applause] >> up next, stephen hawking says we need another earth.i agree!

>> will a place in space save the planet earth? according to stephen hawking humanity needs to colonize in the planet within 100 years because million 1000 years left before extinction. he says this can come from many different things. the theories part of an upcoming documentary called expedition new earth which will explore the latest market technology that can help humans set up shop on mars. i believe with tip of two astronauts latest test launch. [video]

>> so - andrew. second earth is like having a vacation home. only the rich people can afford it. the rest of us will be stuck here on our old earth. our property values are going to drop. >> as a home owner - >> congratulations! >> thank you. relax, relax!i am not there just yet. [laughter] >> what were we talking about, i forgot? >> a second earth. >> here is the whole thing that i hate about this. if you have ever flown from new york to los angeles and look out the window and down, we have room. we don't need a colonized, how

about montana? there is plenty of room in montana, wyoming. >> but here is the reason why that might not be the issue. what he's really escaping is the rise of artificial intelligence. nonconscious goal oriented thinking what table this plan, turn into a small cement fall. mostly that's the issue is the moment we have knowledge of leaving so artificial! there faster. >> they are! ! >> your. [laughter] i think that we are going to colonize another planet within the next 100 years. because we have a lot of things here that we cannot seem to get together as it is. >> yeah, like what?>> move on to the one planet until you have things worked out on the first planet. >> i disagree.

do you ever have an apartment they just trash and you move to a better apartment? >> my apartment is like that now! but how do you go to colonize another planet? >> look like your head is going to explode. or is that normal? >> i would love to go to mars, sounds fun. we need two things it doesn't have. aaron. kind of a big deal. >> listed a second earth. [multiple speakers] >> and isn't it amazing that he came out of this, we have to leave earth in 100 years? and watch my documentary coming out -- it is so hard when someone says something scientific and then use that oath because i have to go see this documentary. and then by his book. they servicing a bunch of american people that start building the rocketship's and trying to make trash cans into space masks. and then you have a reality t.v. show spending all this

morning. and then the rich people are going anywhere. they will send up the dumb people. >> i don't know amy. it is the rich people who always go to coachella and that horrible rock concert. >> yes. and they want to freeze themselves. >> i want to do that. that is the only reason why worth. [laughter] >> you really could just step outside. >> i thought it was really irresponsible that we colonize mars because as we know, we bring new microbes to that planet and could end up killing everything on the planet. >> that's what happened with the pilgrims. >> how do we know that stephen hawking isn't part of artificial intelligence? >> you know, he could be ahead of everything. and you know i was thinking i wonder what rachel maddow is

thinking? >> -- i have been practicing all day is a mouthful. -- it is hard. i have been practicing all day. siberian energy group. >> well! >> does not actually on t.v.? [laughter] >> excellent question! vehicle anyway. up next you will not see this people would ask me in different countries that we traveled, what is your nationality and i would always answer hispanic. so when i got my ancestry dna results it was a shocker. i'm from all nations. it puts a hunger in your heart to want to know more.

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>> he is leaving the debt in every head peer to speak of thomas mcdonald pouring his buddies ashes down toilets. baseball parked across the country.mcdonald's got the idea, you guessed it, while in the bathroom every ballgame. saint i know what to do because he was the best plumber he ever

saw. master pearsall for the ashes have been flushed in chicago, pittsburgh, cincinnati, detroit, baltimore and others. although it is not the greatest thing i've seen a baseball game. [video] >> that was pretty weird. all right! amy, is this how you would like to go? >> you know, i do not know from the plot the five investments that want to force you down toilets. >> yes! >> it is kind of an odd sentiment. >> you are going and you are going! >> that is the ultimate best friend think that he was a plumber but he loves baseball, he made sure he went to every park. salute that! some people won't get that. i am simple. this put me in a can of coffee and dump me in the water. it is very simple. and when his buddy is doing is

paying tribute to him. will only get that if you are in the circle of friends. so you commit fun of it, but i respect that and it is really really good best friend. [applause] and he clearly did not have a white grandmother around to stop it. because his wife isn't having it and his mother would not have it. -- >> i am not being cremated but we will get to that. cat? >> ,to be stuck by a taxidermist. then put me on rollerblades in will may pass the bedroom window of everyone i ever dated! [laughter] >> like a wave motion with this. it would be so jealous! >> that is a strange request. >> it is my official request. better make it happen or i will haunt you. >> you already do! >> this is beautiful, right? >> yeah, i don't know. do you really love plumbing

that much? [laughter] maybe he did the job but didn't love plumbing and now you're pouring him down. he is not mario. mean if you will mario or luigi then you pouring down the drain. that is where they hang out, you know? >> all the water leads to the ocean. >> that leads to the reservoir. >> pathetic it's mixed in with all of this other stuff. what if he is reincarnated and he is a mutant? >> say it. >> all wanted leads to the ocean. >> i do not want to be cremated. because if we figure out, the silicon valley trainer is going to figure out how to live forever. or you can download that from a program. what if you have been cremated and they cannot find your dna?

i want my head in a safety deposit box. and i want one of you to take control of it.>> i have it read.>> thanks! >> -- you will just leave the head in the closet and what is that smell? he did not freeze it. you put it in a portable picnic and you poured some ice on top of it. like it was beer. >> you really want to live forever greg? >> i think marley if they do find out how to live longer the i would to everyone that died to wake them all up. question why? quest let's say you died and then they figure it out, that is on all was that you are dead. that is not fair! >> difficult people die they are just leaving? >> this is the dna thing.

because i've actually thought about this. you get the dna and make a clone. it will not be you. it will just be your twin. >> that's right. see you saying you want the same consciousness. >> exactly, you will not have the memories. [multiple speakers] >> move on. >> i hate that! >> maybe turn into a butterfly. final thoughts next. if you leave now you will not see us --

>> i will see monday at our new time 9:00 p.m. eastern. we are running out of time.

amy? >> i would like to say i like maroon 5. [laughter] >> they are the worst man that ever walked the planet. followed closely by the red-hot chili peppers. >> i am on tour right now with stand up. you can check out tickets for that. i will be in sacramento on saturday. then my friend will do a podcast, he just released his first book. it is called black privilege. check that out. >> i will take a read! >> i like maroon 5 to grab. >> no man likes it! no man likes maroon 5. >> this man does! >> i was wearing christmas socks today and someone said why? and that is because my aunt and uncle send me socks every

holiday for my whole life. i don't have to buy socks and you should wear every day like it is a holiday. thank you! >> thank you to amy, an republicans claim a victory in long crusade to dismantle obamacare democrats insist they will pay darrell for it midterm election, this is fox news. >> the bill to repeal and replace obamacare, now moves to the other side of the capitol republican senators certainly take a red pen to it, or start from scratch, the measure sweeps through the house by two votes with cham yonl paul ryan walking a tight rope between conservatives, and moderates republicans, many confess they are not sure what is in the bill or its impact on american voters. no matter what though president trump viewed passage a big win celebrating with news conference