>> i learned a new word in polish. i learned it in place at least. when i try to say it i had trouble. i like audio help please. [speaking in native tongue] >> can i hear it over time? five who knew? [cheering] i leave a country for the week and nothing happens.

actually, everything happened. it's as if time collapsed in mother nature just said, hey, we don't need this continued progress of existence. instead, let's let everything happen in one. i expected to talk about sean spicer, remember that guy? or jeff sessions? what about that boy scout rally. >> he went out and bought a big yacht and he had a very interesting life. i won't go any more than that. should i tell you? you are boy scout but you know life. you know life. greg: it was probably a good idea he stop there. yacht stories never involve people putting on flows. then came the skinny bill. >> the skinny bills policy is a

disaster. >> the skinny bill would look like? >> so-called skinny bill. greg: took me a while to talk about skinny bill wasn't the guys who sold the uppers in college. [laughter] senate republicans spent days behind closed doors getting a bill together and no cameras were allowed so we offer you this reenactment. greg: for senator graham. i'd like to think stunned hamster mike in a stunt hamster jake for that reenactment. in the end, the bill didn't pass. "after words", mitch mcconnell poured his heart out. >> our only regret tonight, our only regret, is that we didn't

achieve what we had hoped to accomplish. greg: that should be your only regret. [laughter] is a good one but what about calling this the skinny bill. no one likes anything with the word skinny in front of it. margaritas, those are delicious. skinny margarita, disgusting. [laughter] when you're at the cheesecake factory do you order from the skinny delicious menu? hell no. that's like having one drink at an open bar. these are genes, jeans are great. i'm wearing them right now. you know what is not great? skinny jeans. afte[laughter] greg: that laugh is appropriate. a repeal shouldn't be skinny. it should be fast. really fat.

so that you should never see a naked. it's great that the bill failed and now you can start over, you have new ideas, new blood. finally, the capper. reince priebus. just when i finally figured out to say his name, he's gone. the fact is he did his job, helped get president trump elected but maybe that's where his role ends. sure, a priest will marry you but you don't take him on your honeymoon. well, maybe you do but that's another story. i wish reince priebus well. he'll make a very difficult will affect fortune puzzle. could you guess that i would have no idea what that is. it's a medical condition. general john kelly is taking over, which is cool because i can say that name. he's a four-star general. i think he's handle weight couple things then a temperamental billionaire. he fought in iraq and lost his

son. tom's choice of kelly rejects the muller phobia that spent decades declaring the military consists of evil fascists. that is good. the bottom line is it's been a wild week. so while that we ignored key wins. for example, where is that ice is caliphate? it's not in a rack not anymore. the criminal gangs, the six-week operation ended. the economy got stronger and it is amazing that the media devotes unlimited energy to benign chaos but only has limited overhead compartment space for terror, security, the economy. why is that? will no one ever wants to hear that there x is doing great. that's what this is. trump is the media's x and the media can't hear the big news so they focus on the small stuff. if the media were watching a porn, they write about the sex. don't focus on results.

sorry about that. all in all, a pretty busy week. and all while i was on vacation doing this. i miss those guys. [cheering] welcome tonight's guest. he so sharp he could place a melon with her socks, morgan. [cheering] when a lightbulb has an idea his face appears above it, executive producer rob along. she's destined to be the world youngest cat lady, cohost and the fox news specialist cat

sims. he ice skates on their ponies, former bodyguard, tyrus. i want to go to you first, rob. my theory is that his job was temporary. he's there to get you in and then he has to go on his way. it's not a reward system. >> it should have been temporary and that guy is a great fun rents razor and he's raised a lot of money and a lot of people in office. i think the midterm will be tough. you always want someone who is different from you when you are on the team. you have an add president was vain. you want someone in the front office is the opposite. it's not normal for trump to do that. he didn't run a big company with the board and all that stuff. he iran it out of his head. you can't do that in my house. greg: morgan, you spent time with his replacement, the

four-star general and you saw him last week. at some kind of -- >> at an event. greg: what you make of this change? >> i think he's an incredibly nice guy. he's very funny. you should have them on the show, you would like them. greg: he would not come on this show. >> i'm a hard sell. i think one of the things the white house is missing is discipline. it needs a military rigor and discipline and need the team of people who are putting the president first. otherwise, why are you in the white house passport. greg: something to be said about discipline. anyway. [laughter] tyrus smack yes. greg: has donald trump destroyed time itself? >> of course -. greg: i think we be talking about some spicer because i

happen when i went on vacation but i can't remember who he is. >> is the guy i did step four. like, hey, guys, now he is gone. we had yoga together and now i don't see him itself. the other guy causes a lot so i can't use that. i'm bummed out. it was a tough week. here's the deal about trump, this is nothing new. if someone didn't do something in the way he wanted or he wasn't happy he made them go away. he was literally in the twilight zone. he does it in such -- i wonder what those close doors are light. you're fired and you'll go out there and say thank you. [laughter] and thereby and will never see you again. greg: i disagree. i don't think trump fires people. i think it's like a passive dump. >> i'm sure it's a message on the phone. greg: he breaks up with you by having you break up with him.

it's called the passive dump. you act weird until the person you're in a relationship with goes i have to get out of here. you know what i am talking about. >> i've been accused of that but it was my normal behavior. [laughter] everyone is saying this is so crazy and i can't believe that he's firing all these people but to tyrus' point, what was his job before this? literally firing people. [laughter] >> he doesn't fire people. that's the problem. he did that as a character on tv. what he wants to fire his attorney general, he treats me stuff about him. that's not firing. that's the problem with trump. >> maybe he likes to troll. he seems to also like to troll. i thought the same thing. if you want to fire him, fire him. he seems to really like to do that with his twitter page. >> reince priebus said he

resigned. yeah. >> yeah, i said that about every job i've ever had. >> that has never happened. greg: the big message is everything that has happened so fast that there's actual other stuff happening that is good and so you have the media looking at all this other stuff blind to the sky, like little meteors, and in actually -- the only things that matter to me are terror and security and it seems like that stuff is working. right? >> that for the discipline comes in. the goal of whoever the discipline massacre is in the white house is to tell everyone to shut up. what when every president shuts up, the people shut up and the good stuff happens. obama talks he got in trouble. when clint talks he got in trouble. >> talking is fun though. [laughter] >> it's more than the message of

discipline. it's more than were not listening to general obama anymore. he's been the president and he's listening to his generals and he's looking to the military. that's a big policy difference. greg: speaking of which, sorry, we have this before i go. do we still have that market there is. this is barbara lee. she's in congressman, by putting general john kelly in charge, president trump is militarizing the white house and putting our executive branch in the hands of an extremist. i have to point out this is why they were losing 20 because if they still see the military as extremist, tyrus -- >> we've seen extremism. [cheering] greg: tyrus, will end on a high note. well done, my friend. coming up, anthony scarramucci, reince priebus, fannin. those are my new snapping turtles and they are doing great. will the white house staff ever delicious... fresh fruit. it's perfection.

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who knew that phones would starentertaining us,ng? getting us back on track and finding us dates. phones really have changed. so why hasn't the way we pay for them? introducing xfinity mobile. you only pay for data and can easily switch between pay per gig and unlimited. no one else lets you do that. see how much you can save when you choose by the gig or unlimited. call or go to xfinitymobile.com. xfinity mobile. it's a new kind of network, designed to save you money. greg: that didn't take long. i speak of new white house vacations director anthony scarramucci made the first week on his job the greatest week on his job ever. yet, i always say if you're

going to make it work, get it out of the way and then everything looks awesome from there. it's what i did. true. look at the first week of redeye. anthony scarramucci took a shot at coworkers calling reince priebus and psycho. and saying estevan and was only out for himself. anthony scarramucci also threatened to fire staffers who leaked to the press but tweeted an apology. i use colorful language and i will refrain in this arena but not give up the past and it fight for donald trump's agenda. he also tweeted that he made a mistake of trusting a reporter. tell me about it. i'll never forget when i share this photo with jake. [laughter] nice? that ended up everywhere. thanks, jake.

it was about leaking. maybe there's a product that could stop the flow in one shot. >> you have trouble getting through the night without getting up to call a journalist? do you make frequent trips to run a view with reporters? you could be suffering from informational incontinence. >> i can barely travel. forget going to the movies. >> now there is hope. this works by inhibiting giving you the ability to keep your mouth shut with [bleep] >> it's like a reverse catheter for your thoughts. >> is now available and easy to use oral application. ask your doctor today. greg: nice. [cheering]

kat, his language is saltier than a link sailors underpants. something tells me that you find it refreshing. >> i now know that i can be a white house vacations director someday. absolutely. i think the trump loves this. maybe he thought the things about reince priebus and maybe he told him to do it. >> i believe it trump restrained himself -- >> i think that is an interesting theory. he never withstood anything and this is banana land plus. >> here on planet earth we use banana plant a lot and i don't think it was a good week for anthony scarramucci he's a novice and it's all allowed to make mistakes. i want to have a honeymoon. i had a honeymoon when i first got this correct print job and i made mistakes. >> i agree about the mistakes part but he's the white house

communications director calls up a reporter to leak to the reporter and then claims that people leaking and says i shouldn't have called up that reporter. that's fine if you're a secretary or interior but he's the white house communcations director. >> isn't that hilarious. greg: this is what you call transparency, morgan. right? >> anthony is a good friend of mine. if you are watching, i love you anthony. greg: should that matter? >> she is setting him up. however. greg: i got to you before you said but. >> there is no butts. anthony really loves this president. i think he's new to the job, made a mistake and will be very disciplined going on. we should all be attention to is that reince priebus is the only white house official who he never heard talk bad about term.

clearly, what does that say about most of the people in the white house who are leaking. >> there are saying that about trump. >> i think he's been off the record. greg: when did he change? >> when trump got the nomination. anthony raise money, when a television for the president, and when he won the nomination he said i want a republican president and i don't want hillary. good for anthony. greg: tyrus. i believe that foul language -- everyone gets upset about file language but why are kids so special? anyway, hear me out on this. >> i can see my talking points to hear this. greg: foul language reduces the risk of violence because it's a release valve for aggression. the more you swear -- if you stub your toe and you are allowed to swear you would end up hitting something but swearing that gives you the release valve so that you go.

[inaudible] >> can't you just go. [inaudible] stub my toe and look at your wife and say i hate you. reporter: that's what happens. in my world, i lose my car keys, bang my head which is often whoever is in my zone is going to get some verbal thing that i wish i was just you know, i did mean that. greg: used should spend time outdoors. >> you also could be the communications director for mac i don't have anything a problem with what he said. if you come in my bubble and i don't like you, i will tell you. if someone is talking trash or not doing what they should do and i am in charge, i asked the pool until greg goes, tyrus, you're a sidekick. greg: i think that trump is replacing the cast of happy days with the cast of --

>> the walking dead. greg: that was a better punchline than when i had. [laughter] >> see what happens when we work together? greg: up next, raspy voice -- >> i rather play the victim. it works better for me. greg: hillary clinton's new book greg: hillary clinton's new book has been announced♪ it's happening, it's happening! in the modern world, you can control just about anything with an app. your son is turning on all the lights again! you can do the same with your car insurance with the esurance mobile app. esurance. click or call. i have to tell you something.

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greg: it is exactly what no one asked for. hillary clinton announced the title of the new book, what happens. it's such a great title. [laughter] it's like a rash that no appointment could conquer, hillary keeps coming back. this time she comes in page form perfect for the beach or wiping of the vomit that's built from your mouth after reading it. she writes in the books intro quote in the past i felt that i had to be careful in public and now i am letting my guard down. why not? you already left your party down. [laughter] as always, joking titles for the book popped up on twitter including how to lose elections and alienate people; crime and no punishment; and e-mail for

dummies. i say why come up with new ones when old ones will do. how about american psycho? or misery? or you can just be honest and here are my three: i'm awful; i'm awful and i can't win; i'm really awful and i can't win now give me $27 for this stupid book. [cheering] greg: do you think she'll take responsibility at all in this book for losing? >> no, i mean the title should be i haven't. i don't think she has any idea what happened. the last person on earth who will know what happened is going to be hillary clinton. even that she called it that shows still how where leaders connected to the reality she is. also, she must've started writing this book like the

day -- it wasn't that long. greg: it was her therapy. she went to the woods and she started writing. she cut the trees herself and made into paper and started writing using the blood of woodland creatures. [laughter] morgan, is their appeal to this book? it's like reading the tea the bk of the team lost the super bowl. >> i guess goldman doesn't pay enough. i don't know. i have a really good book title. screwed by weiner. [laughter] i hope my father is not wanting. [inaudible conversations] greg: i'm going to say the interim. no one will ever know that it was her and not me who said.

kat, you preordered a copy. >> i can't wait to read it. i love reading things like that. i'm surprised that it wasn't like now, chelsea has run. i think hillary would be the very first political stage mom. so forced chelsea into running. will go with her to the debates and milk wear matching pantsuits and hillary will be standing in the back doing all the gestures that she's doing in the speech and teaching her and mouthing the words out loud and we will all hate it. greg: what do you think, tyrus? is this helpful -- maybe people can learn from this book. >> yeah, what's not to do when your resume for president. she did write this damn book. come on, man. you do not). the title should have been i should have left him. [laughter] she would've got more ground as being the embattled hero.

greg: she would've been the first divorced female president. that matters. >> you want to talk about someone's personal life but when your husband did what he did and you never once got the hell, no or throw the closeout on the front lawn. or the tires are/because hillary said she messed up. she just said it's cool there should've been some moment when america was like she had a right to be angry. she battled inside and we just got this stock running for president. there was no emotion, it was nothing. then when she did snap, i don't want to be around. greg: scary. >> one day she will snap and will read about it.

>> young democrat women said that part of the reason they did have voter intensity they cited that is one of the reasons was that she aggressively went after the victims. >> of those of us who been cheated on, you don't blame yourself but you blame the other person and you eventually blame the son of a [bleep] who was in front of you the whole time. she took the job, i'll stay with you for the job and the american people saw that. greg: this is getting strangely personal. [cheering] tires, it made me think that the worst job in the world would be hillary's ghostwriter because what does that entail smart you have to meet her at the four seasons, you have to get a roo room -- rob, i'm sure you've done this thing. >> you have to sit with her while she talks about it and you suggest other ways that she failed. [laughter] i'm sure they started with what

happened and they went to the lies in the media and what about the fact that you're cold and you don't connect to people. no, no. i'm not done yet. it has to be the worst gig ever. you didn't go to wisconsin. greg: should you do a whole chapter on why you didn't go to wisconsin? >> know, we should talk about how trump -- >> or put bill clinton in a corner going. >> there's a 30% chance that she runs again. i'll make that prediction. >> i agree with you. >> i didn't want to bring down. >> the republican party would be going, yeah five still to come from a rolling stone want to know if the command canadian once upon a time a girl with golden locks broke into a house owned by three bears. she ate some porridge, broke the baby bear's chair, and stole some jewelry, a flat-screen tv, and a laptop.

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i wanted to know where i did my ancestrydna. the most shocking result was that i'm 26% native american. i had no idea. it's opened up a whole new world for me. ♪ mawhen it comes to helping. her daughter, shopping for groceries, unclogging the sink, setting up dentist appointments and planning birthday parties, nobody does it better. she's also in a rock band. look at her shred. but when it comes to mortgages, she's less confident. fortunately for maria, there's rocket mortgage by quicken loans. it's simple, so she can understand the details and be sure she's getting the right mortgage. apply simply. understand fully. mortgage confidently. greg: there is lusting over just

in. the latest issue of rolling stone, if it is this, features canadian just intro the headline, why can't he be our president? rolling stone, he can. moved to canada. still, the message is quite clear that it's better to be pretty, young and liberal. rolling stone is not the only magazine to feature just to go this month. the sky, i love delta sky, also put them on the cover to celebrate the country's 150th anniversary. so, rolling stone and delta sky, the only magazines you read when you are high. that is our show for tonight. goodbye, everybody. anyway, i love delta and i fly delta, don't get mad at me delta. it might be more for rolling stone, morgan because generally it shows their loverboy vans. it's extreme lisa professional.

why can't we have this gorgeous young man and not this evil, rich guy? back he is hot. greg: is he donald trump hot? mac nothing does it for me like that orange spray tan. >> rolling stone also put the boston bomber on the cover and try to make him look dreamy. greg: the prime minister is at the same. it's a bona fide leader. >> cannot say they're the same. what rolling stone chooses to do in terms of. >> i don't think he's that hot. to be honest. i'm more into those guys that are dirty looking and malnourished. [laughter] >> that is our show, everybody. good night. greg: you would be more interested in vladimir putin. >> one of the guys just walking around the streets.

greg: guys, in the streets, you have a chance. rob, everyone talks about trump being rich but to know is an elite family. he's from high society, his parents were extremely famous. geraldo hooked up with his mother. i can say that because geraldo said that on -- >> the problem with rolling stone is that it's written by old people. it's an old person cover. you can see the elderly -- remember the bob hope specials when he put on a hippie wig and try to be cool. that's the editorial board of rolling stone. bob hope in a hippie wig. listen, i don't know whether you agree and i don't know your feelings but i think canada is a great country. greg: i love canada with every fiber of my being connected to have a lot of great policies. their immigration policy is better than ours. greg: i wish we had their immigration policy. >> i know you.

greg: nobody buys postcards in canada because you don't need them. just open your eyes. by the way, tyrus, you know, my theory is that rolling stone has never been right on anything. do you know they panned nirvana's nevermind? jimi hendrix are your spirits, led zeppelin's first record i would give you a list of the albums that they love that were terrible but that list is too long. all the classics, they are wrong. they never gave the great reviews to the albums that now they say are great. nirvana on the cover now but when nirvana came out they didn't like them. this will happen with drop. >> you know what? i don't know if anyone pointed it out but he's canadian. he can't be president of the

united states. ted cruz will never be the president of the united states. he still whisper talks. it won't work. [laughter] talk like an adult. it doesn't work. greg: before we go to break. i have a great new product to tell you about. in a recent interview, 73 -year-old guitarist keith richards said rolling stones are moving forward slowly with an album of new original songs. that likely means a new tour. lucky for them, we come up with the perfect sponsor. >> are you an over the hill rock legend refuses to retire? you have trouble getting up onto the stage? you need rock stand. rock stands are the unique chairlift for those who need help. here's how it works: sit down, strap in and three hours later you'll be onstage safe and

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baier. greg: it turns a bark into a remark. according to new research backed by amazon whatever that means, humans and dogs could have a conversation within a decade using pet translators the device is still to be developed, of course, but some futurists say it's a realistic goal.

that's based on a previous study which found that prairie dogs have a sophisticated communication system that has all the aspects of language. it sounds fun. are we prepared for this contract what if your dog is a total jerk? or a liberal? let me joke. [laughter] i got my hands on the first translator prototype and i tried it out with my dog, captain fluffy. >> greg, can you wear something under your robe? [laughter] greg: here's another one. >> greg, that is not what the electric toothbrushes for. [laughter] greg: i should close the bathroom door. one more please. >> greg, why do you bother trying to? only dogs can do that.

[laughter] greg: he was disgusted by the whole matter. kat, do you want to have conversations with your feline or do they already happened? mac they already do. i already talk and answer back for him. i have this hope is not. he's a neocon and i know where he stands on political issues and we argue about that all the time. what if this device was a neocon and we been having these arguments for no reason? i would have wasted so much ti time. >> i don't thank you wasted time. >> i have one feline. greg: you have a neocon dog that wants to bomb the found. >> he does, he's very afraid of terrorists. he thanks we need to be more involved all over the world. greg: rob, amazing idea or scary? >> my dog learned how to talk --

[laughter] a lot of stuff you do for your dog. also, the great thing about dogs is that they are not competent. they don't have a sophisticated thing about language. they are the model. they want to sleep, eat, do one or two other things and that's it. i, personally, that's all i wish i wanted to do. every time my ambitions go above that i think why am i tried so hard. greg: think like a dog. that should be a new book. morgan, what you make of this? do you think this will happen? when they say some researchers, that's a clue that it will never happen. >> i want to know why does your dog have a british accent? greg: it's interesting. it's actually hugh grant. >> i already talked to my dog. first of all, this is brilliant marketing by amazon because now are all clicking on amazon even

more than we already do. this is what on amazon but my dog is brilliant, honestly. i have two dogs. one is stupid and one is brilliant. i think he has a sophistication of at least a two-three -year-old five that's interesting because two-three -year-olds are stupid. >> can i ask a question? >> you have human voices in your mind for your dogs? >> not hugh grant like his dog. >> what do they sound like? greg: wilfred brinley. tyrus, everyone assumes that it's a dog to talk but if you have read the bible like i have it's going to be a snake and it will make you do some scary [bleep] [laughter] >> okay. do you want me to talk about the talking snake in my ear?

greg: exactly. what you make of the stuff? >> it's a scam. i'm pretty sure your dog was late morning, tyrus, did you check your amazon yet? [laughter] what if it's not -- for me, personally, i talked to my dog. you have a whole different level of medication. get the ball. he brings the ball back or something close to it. that's about as deep as my dog conversation goes. greg: i have a theory before we go. there's only one thought that all domestic pets have. i am only showing you affection because i know that you can kill me. this is my survival mechanism. my big eyes and me licking. that's my survival mechanism. we are like the robots in westworld designed to please, not by choice. how do you know this is true? compare a domesticated pet to a wild animal. a wild animal doesn't like you, it eats you. the only thought in a domestic

pets find is i'm only nice to you so you don't kill me. am i right? [inaudible conversations] >> my kat thanks a lot about islamic radical terrorist. >> don't feed your kat for a week and see what happens. greg: i believe your kat was for brexit. >> totally. he was mad at trump because he said he started to name brexit first. greg: he wants to build a big giant kat w ♪ music edible arrangements for summer. order in store or online. my bladder leakage was making me feel like i couldn't spend time with my grandson. now depend fit-flex has their fastest absorbing material inside, so it keeps me dry and protected. go to depend.com - get a coupon and try them for yourself.

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what? if you have moderate to severe ulcerative colitis or crohn's, and your symptoms have left you with the same view, it may be time for a different perspective. if other treatments haven't worked well enough, ask your doctor about entyvio, the only biologic developed and approved just for uc and crohn's. entyvio works by focusing right in the gi-tract to help control damaging inflammation and is clinically proven to begin helping many patients achieve both symptom relief as well as remission. infusion and serious allergic reactions can happen during or after treatment. entyvio may increase risk of infection, which can be serious. while not reported with entyvio, pml, a rare, serious brain infection caused by a virus may be possible. tell your doctor if you have an infection, experience frequent infections, or have flu-like symptoms, or sores. liver problems can occur with entyvio. if your uc or crohn's medication isn't working for you, ask your gastroenterologist about entyvio. entyvio. relief and remission within reach.

greg: a few monday at the 5:00 easter. do what you want to she also but you haven't had the chance. here's your chance to say it. right now. greg: captain morgan. >> i want everyone to look up the david scholarship funds. a friend of my husband and i

established iraq star it was in the trans- siberian orchestra and we had a concert last night for him so if you go to brooklyn college david z, contribute to the scholarship fund. love to his whole family. greg: and amazing musical output. rob. >> i'm more excited about angela is very plain hillary clinton in the version of her book. [laughter] >> murder she wrote. greg: right. tyrus. >> i'm excited to about angela lansford. that's all in my head right now. i lived in her house in for bay, california. the landlord didn't take up a sign that said angela lansbury. i had another final thought but [bleep] you. i'm obsessed with murder she wrote. she's a murderer. greg: last word, kat.

>> i've taken three overs today already and my bad for the environment or good for the economy? five is for a medication. >> no and yes. greg: thanks to morgan, rob, ka. it's saturday, july 29, 2017. jesse: "watters world" is on. >> general kelly has been a star, respected by everybody. a great, great american. esquestions -- jesse: priebus is out, kelly is in. >> you cannot confiscate equipment when the member is not under investigation. you are violating the rules. jesse: is debbie wasserman-schultz obstructing justice. and why did her tech officer try to flee the country after