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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  May 13, 2018 1:00am-2:00am PDT

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june. buy your book now by pre- ordering on amazon in barnes & noble. thank you for watching. our special show fromememememem. i'm jeanine pirro advocating for truth, justice and the american way. greg is coming up next. i will see you next saturday when i'm back in new york city. >> the world got a lot more dangerous today because of the incompetence of this president who is only foreign-policy philosophy seems to be to nullify the obama president. greg: you got that right. [cheering and applause] greg: do you remember 1969 west mark i do some call it the good old days but i don't. it sucked. dow jones was at 800 and the
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average income a year was under nine grand and something called woodstock took place. look at these people. you know they smell bad. like a fish is jockstrap. [laughter] i don't know if they were them but they could. what also stunk was fashion. people actually wore the stuff outside and they were to pelted with hot garbage. basically, the world reeked but i couldn't do a thing. i was five years old and here is a picture. [laughter] i was adorable. but i could do nothing to make the world a better place so instead i ate as much plato as possible. the point is 1969 was a long time ago, 49 years ago and you have to go back that far to find
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jobless numbers that are this good today. it's true, applications for unappointed benefits are now at a 49 year low. that's almost five decades long of what i call one episode of the view. [laughter] [cheering and applause] easy joke. trump job numbers are so good that to match it you have to go back to an era when not bathing was considered an achievement. that is what we called the news and humans like good news but not all humans. >> he just tweeted they are meeting in singapore on june 12 and they will both try to make a special moment for world peace. >> good for him. if it works, were happy for him. greg: you could just feel joy's pain when she said that. it's like she realized that wasn't a part. [laughter] but there are a lot of humans
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that don't like good news. they are called wet blankets. >> their release should not be exalted but expected. it is no greater accomplishment of kim jong-un to do this. when the president does it he weakens american foreign-policy and puts americans at risk around the world. greg: talk about the opposite of fun. to him the glass is half empty much like his skull. [laughter] so, here we have great news but many politicians in media hacks all they see is bad. if only there were a drug to help them. >> unemployment hit 3.9% which is good news for the american worker. coalition forces are set to deliver a fatal blow to isis.
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>> this is not good. >> you should talk to your doctor. you may be suffering from wbs. >> what is that? >> wbs stands for what blanket syndrome. anything that happens you see it is bad news. news anchors get it all the time. >> three american hostages in south korea are being sent home right now. >> there is no cure. but you live with it. it tricks your brain into thinking every day is the day before a three-day weekend making it virtually impossible for you to be nothing but happy all the time. >> unemployment as it lasted 17 years and president trump deserves the credit. >> we are clear. >> that week went fast. time for three days of fun in the sun but here comes the beach. >> dude, it is only wednesday. [laughter] >> of academy, kevin. >> dude, what the [bleep] is he on? >> get it today.
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your coworkers will get it but we do. [cheering and applause] greg: every day is the day before a three-day weekend. that is some really surreal [bleep]. okay. back to the real good news. wasn't just human victory better ratings 12. >> it's very early in the morning. i thank you probably broke the all-time in history television ratings for 3:00 o'clock in the morning. greg: of course, don't you love that he did this at 3:00 a.m. it could've been any other time but he chose been? why to tell you that he's always up. he is always up for us at every hour and if you had hillary instead she would already be out like a broken headlight. [laughter] speaking of hillary, if she were
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president and had a week like trump how might the press react? greg: but instead, with trump you get this. greg: which is why he had to blow up his own horn on thursday. >> we are rocking. we are rocking. kim jong-un, kim jong-un and, sleeping joe, we have great healthcare plans coming out that they weren't saying merry christmas but now they are saying merry christmas again. america is respected again. i have delivered more than i promise.
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greg: oh my god what is he gloating? the cares. he should gloat. the rallies already get the good news but the media ignores. it trump news and he's the anchor. of course, what were the other news buckets full of? >> the lawyer first reading is a stepping up his attack. >> i almost forgot what i was going to talk about but of course, i didn't spread it doesn't feel like he was very good at. the money to stormy daniels didn't work or silencer. >> it's not illegal from what we know but it looks bad and has the stench of the swamp. that stench affects both trump and cohen. greg: these networks was obsessed with porn they should be sponsored by kleenex.
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[laughter] now imagine america as the world's greatest all-inclusive resort with water slides and pull bars and casinos and where is the media? hiding in the hotel room watching tv and is stuck on the view. it's weird it's like the media can't see themselves or even the outside world. it's as if they're trapped living in some gigantic footprint left by king kong except it's not kong footprint at all but it's trumps. [laughter] after he stomped on them in 2016 and so they have followed in and they can't get up. i fear that if someone doesn't pull them on a platter they will end up eating each other alive. that sucks. i hate cannibals. they're so full of themselves. [laughter] let's welcome tonight's guests. she is a bright fireflies try to catch her and put her in the jar, author and tv host to the diet. [cheering and applause] he has tackled more wills than michael moore's miss shoots.
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thank you, actor daniel. [cheering and applause] she is breathy, sassy and her gaze is glassy, kat sims. [cheering and applause] and he keeps his pants up with an asteroid belt. former wwe superstar and might massive sidekick, tyrus. [cheering and applause] greg: jedediah, all this chaos going around and he is still getting stuff done. how is this possible? >> yeah, this is what people elected him to do. he was saying crazy stuff and everyone a knowledge he had this crazy past but we were like, we want a guy and i didn't vote for
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him to put up rand paul but most people were like you want a guy to get the job done. it's hysterical when you watch these videos because i think the media is so invested in his demise that they have decided that they went on record and said this guy will be a big failure and a big joke. so when he does well they look dumb and they look like they weren't paying attention and their predictions are wrong so there invested in him peeling and they don't care that may mean that the american people may suffer that your paychecks will be lower and that our national security might be threatened was fascinating to watch because specifically with the prisoners that were brought back that was a story that everyone across the aisle, both sides of the aisle had to come forward and acknowledge that this was a good thing. but they are suffering when you watch them. it's so transparent that it lets
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everybody know that everyone has been saying the media is biased and they tell you and show you on their face. greg: and you want to see my impression for rand paul? [laughter] >> listen, i still voted. i give him credit where credit is due. this guy is doing a lot of good things. it was a great week for him. i'm proud to have him as my president this week and i'll say that anytime he does something good. greg: what are your thoughts on this week and overall anything? >> i thought this was a fantastic week to celebrate being an american. there's a lot of people talk about how horrible it is to be an american and i always think, really? we are not the ones holding anyone prisoner. no one is being held against -- criminals are being held and we are all for that, i think but you know, disagree with the government we generally let you walk around and we give you tv shows and we make you famous so
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this is a great week for everyone who does it disagree for the government doesn't agree with the government. i'm happy to be american. [applause] greg: kat? in the green room you said if you could vote for trump 18 times he would. kat: i voted for gary johnson. [laughter] greg: i know you did. kat.[inaudible conversations] >> she's a permanent guest on the shelf and she gets treated with respect. i see. [laughter] kat: credit is where credit is due. it shouldn't be hard to be happy that prisoners are back in the united states from north korea. it shouldn't be difficult to be excited about that and obviously president trump deserves credit. i know because i cannot do it. i tried. greg: you do try to three prisoners. kat: but they never replied to my e-mails. i use please and the cute energies but for some reason they stay there and you get
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president trump in there and you got to give him credit for doing it. the people focus all weekend saying the world will end because were not in iran deal anymore and i've noticed that they said the world would and when he called kim to little rock man and they said the world is going and we got elected in the first place and i keep waking up in the morning and everything is fine so i feel like maybe it's not. greg: i think you're right. there's a pattern that he creates chaos and from chaos games but i do protect you will get letters from inmates tomorrow. [laughter] kat: even more. greg: do you think donald trump's past of dealing with unseemly people in real estate and stuff and mob helped him? tyrus: yeah, wasn't he dealing with a criminal tyrant and continued? yeah, i it takes a while because shepherds don't get it done but the north korea thing is such a big thing and it so hard for the other side. they're looking for anything.
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when they finally talked about where the place will be at where the meeting will be at they were like singapore and they were like to think don lemon said singapore loosely translated was asian russia. they were trying anything that isn't that some of the common favorite kitchen spotlight the trying anything to link the rule in something but horrible hotels there and i can't believe he pick the place. they can't give it to him but i understand why because we all donald trump is a guy that we all went to school with that had the nice car and had the prettiest conference and when he gets a straight a and he says ia's that and you say i hate this dude. and i feel like that is where cnn is renumbered everything he does something it's like now.
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kat: even the coverage. >> is tony daniels the stuff is on 247. the job stuff you can't even find it. you got to search for that. this is trumps rally.
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greg: should the democrats squirm as they face the midterm? the midterms are trump referendum and voters may come out to defend him. that's right, i just rhymed referendum. you don't get that from jay tapper. speaking of tapper new cnn poll shows democrats are losing their mojo as november gets closer but the advantage has shrunk to just three points which is crazy. meanwhile his approval ratings for handling the economy, foreign affairs and integration have all gone up. did i mention this was a cnn poll? i wonder if cnn mentioned this was their pole. they must be hating this poll. let's check in on cnn's polling department now. anything can
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change in the it is still months away and bad things can happen but it's almost like you to pray for bad things if you're a democrat. >> pray for good things all the time but let me throw that out there. that's a good way to begin but i have a boy who placed the ball and i'm telling you every time they got cocky they lost so what i will say is let's not over celebrate until the game is over. i just think it's a problem in general that there's a lot could happen. we got good stuff around the corner but we gotta stay focused on we just can't celebrate until it's over. let's just take a breather and celebrate in the end, what. greg: is the enemy of non- complacency. that will be in my book of quotes. tyrus, is there any advice you can give to the democrats so
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they could win seats? tyrus: you went through puberty and i'm sure at some point but maybe start acting like an adult and grow up. [cheering and applause] i'm a down the middle kind of brother and if you have a good idea i will say it's a good idea. i don't care what side of the aisle you are on but there i'll is all little baby potty training sees. they don't fight and they don't stand up anything and they do things that make turn on each other and thinking somehow it will affect the republic inside which makes me laugh. if a guy is accused of something or an accusation they go resign and he's gone in c we got rid of our guy and the republicans are like yeah, you did anyway and they go on with their thing.
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[laughter] they don't fight and this happened with obama and obama became president despite of the democratic already and they continue to slide. think this is a good time to be a libertarian candidate or independent. i don't think democrats are in it like they think they are. we saw polling before, right? she was up 20 or 15 and it's not a best game. most people who vote don't answer the phone during the polling because they usually think it's a bill collector. greg: i never answer my phone. they call it such odd hours. kat, any advice for the democrats? kat: i think it would be a good idea if they start thinking about a message of some sort other than donald trump is bad. that is all they ever talk about and they already lost election on that and they will do it again. i don't understand what they could be thinking. it's clearly more than just hillary clinton not thinking about what went wrong. they need to stand for something and not just against everything. greg: so true. they also need new blood.
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you see what they have out there and it's like a reunion of on golden pond. [laughter] >> i watched nancy pelosi today talking and it's insufferable. it's the same talking points that she said against mitt romney which is the same talking point she said against mccain and it's all this identity politics. it's divide and conquer. trump hates women, trump minorities but guess what mark if minorities are making more money and have more money in the pocket and jobs are up whether it's women or minorities that is the way they were vote so maybe come out with a plan that promotes jobs and maybe do something that actually makes people feel confident that you are not just that kid in the classroom going well, he did that and you're a grown person proposing something. that might work but i would not bet on it. greg: they keep pointing out the same facts. we get it, he's not ward cleaver. he's closer genetically to a
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meat cleaver. [laughter] >> more herman munster. greg: and i love herman munster. >> he was a great -- [inaudible conversations] greg: i think he's more like uncle dexter. >> i love the uncle. >> i've been visiting all of the country and you know what i see everywhere? every business has a sign that says help wanted. every business. i think there's a sign on the door that says help-wanted that means the newspaper they need someone to come in and work -- there are so many jobs available that i don't know hit the democrats will they say? growing up, we were german. we danced in a german dance group. i wore lederhosen. when i first got on ancestry i was really surprised that i wasn't finding all of these germans in my tree. i decided to have my dna tested through ancestry dna. the big surprise was we're not german at all.
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52% of my dna comes from scotland and ireland. so, i traded in my lederhosen for a kilt. ancestry has many paths to discovering your story. get started for free at ancestry.com.
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they became ill after coming into contact with an unknown chemical responding to a call about a dead body at a hotel. authorities say the officers became dizzy and had other symptoms. the officers are alerting and conscious and are expected to make a full recovery. i'm robert gray, now back to greg. greg: will your team be a slob with no summer job? according to a new report it is becoming harder for teens to find a summer job in a many cases they don't want one in the first place. last month labor force participation was 34% between 15-19 -year-old is 56% in 1989 in the same year i won an oscar for rainman. [laughter] researchers note that as more shopping is done online there are less buildings where teenagers can work. immigrants and older workers are
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barely competing with teens for jobs than ever before. still, there are lots of opportunities for teens. i could always use help in my ranch. the work is grueling but you see great results. here is last summer's interns. great guy. tyrus, summer jobs are important, right? tyrus: what do you subscribe to? your computer history has to be an amity porterville of morality. man, damn. greg: i do the private window setting. tyrus: i believe so. kids i remember when i got my
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job the reasons i wanted to get a job i wanted to get a car. if i got the car and my money in my pocket i could get a date with a girl and that was important to me. now i don't have to because i could download it and watch it in my closet. [laughter] so, there is -- ideal with the work with kids a lot but there is no motivation. you should get a job this summer and save your money and if you earn half of it all pay the other half of your car but why would i want to do that? greg: no one want cars anymore. tyrus: i'll just over it. i'm good. >> as a father of teenagers my kids have always worked and you got kids but i don't know this is about the kids. i think this is about the parenting. the expectation. believe me, we drive around burbank, california and there will be kids on skateboards and
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from the time my son was for i would say that will never be you. that will never be you. the other thing that any father wants to do and your father might have done, tyrus. tyrus: you don't know that. the guy is out there. >> but we will know it's him. but every father wants their kid to get a job with a clean toilet. why is that? i didn't care what my sunday or my daughter as long as there was a clean toilet. greg: i think it was because i damaged a lot of toilets with summer jobs get you used to work and in the summertime it's good to work because then you appreciate when you are outside not working. you need the contrast.
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>> did you have a summer job? greg: i had a lot. i bottled grape soda. remember the soda at gas stations and then the manager there bottle capped his infamy and was not a pretty sight. why am i telling the story? >> i remember that bottle. i remembered that. greg: i was also a monitor which is not a lifeguard which they stressed to meet not to save anyone ass because i was not qualified to be a lifeguard at a condo so they said if someone is drowning stairway and i was like well, that's -- >> that's an old abbott and costello routine. greg: terrible. >> i worked with my mom. she iran an acting school so i worked with her in the summers. greg: f a real job. kat: i don't understand the option of not working. i don't get it. if i didn't have a summer job as
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a teen my mom would put me to work. she would've said it so great that you are home. you know who else thanks it's great? the dirty kitchen floor, go scrub it. i liked to have a summer job because then i could be hanging out with the people my own age instead of hanging out alone with a mop bucket. tyrus: it was introduction to freedom. >> in money and getting a paycheck. greg: and turn you into a republican conservative. the first time you see the government take something away from you and that's your money that you earned at the temp agency. did you ever do temp agency? >> i was older and did it my 20s. greg: miserable. they treat you like crap. tyrus: i cut grass. >> did i tell you the job i had? i worked once in my 24 where i had to hand out flyers. i use to stand in a banana
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costume. no joke. people on twitter said spoiled prima donna and i was like really? that's honestly a job i had. greg: i have to open the reason why you need a summer job is for the summer job stories. everybody has one. everyone has one. coming up, is your therapy coming up, is your therapy peacock on
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the first survivor of alzheimer's disease coming up, is your therapy peacock on is out there. and the alzheimer's association is going to make it happen. but we won't get there without you. visit alz.org to join the fight.
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greg: are we having regrets over therapy pets? several states are cracking down on people who falsely claim their pets our service animals. minnesota and arizona are two states that have recently made it illegal to do so. a city in wisconsin has banned the use of kangaroos. i am not joking. as a service animals because someone tried bringing said kangaroo into a restaurant.
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turns out that extra pocket is excellent for keys. [laughter] some airlines are enacting strict rules for customers who want to bring their animals along for emotional support like peacocks. yet, party is over. peacocks and kangaroos. it is not fair to people who legitimately need service animals. people can't be gaming the system like this. take a look at this ad i saw the other day. >> it could happen to anyone. you have no physical or emotional problems and no medically diagnosed condition whatsoever. in fact, you are perfectly healthy but you just don't like people and you're a pain in the ass. you need support. if the only support animal guaranteed to be permitted everywhere because no one will have the guts to tell you otherwise. >> i see crowd to the airport and flying is the worst.
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but with my support scorpion people barely come within 10 feet of me. >> that's because the key is its deadly venom. that talkative guy from business class will take a long nap all the way to your destination. >> i couldn't stand the crowd in the theaters but now it's like our own a private screening. >> i'm out. >> thank you support scorpion. >> every scorpion comes with the support vessel people know it is legit. >> hello, to for dinner. >> excuse me. what a lovely scorpion. right this way don't let silly laws prevent you from bringing your nontraditional support animal everywhere you go. order support scorpion today. if you call in the next 20 minutes will throw in a free comfort cobra. greg: i totally support people who have support animals like people with ptsd and our
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veterans and people who are suffering but it's like every system people skim it and they think when you have a currency people great counterfeit currency. if you order cable someone hijacks a table. i feel like a lot of people are hijacking the system and you, jedediah, are getting a service puppy, aren't you? >> i am. i have anxiety on airplanes. greg: so do i print my service animal is a jack daniel. [laughter] >> listen, why does it bother you if i have a teacup poodle that i can pet the puts me at ease. tyrus: go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. >> why though? tyrus: i would love to chime in right now. >> why? why? tyrus: i fly every week. i bring my big ass on a plane too small to meet every week for the job. for a month straight i had the same sensitive anxiety person with this teacup -- it was like
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a hamster with dog benefits. [laughter] and this thing every time she would fall asleep and this little [bleep] would crawl my lap and look at me with these eyes and my ginger ale in the hand and i would like this [bleep] and then the lady wakes up and he likes you. what if my anxiety is that customer. >> i could answer that. [cheering and applause] greg: it's a good point. tyrus: it's not but i'm just saying. >> if you're allergic to cats of the person with the kat is next to you you get off the plane because at this point the kat supersedes your rights. this is not -- i love that you will get a dog and that's fine. [laughter] but this is about ass this is
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like please every doctor who writes a fake prescription for this or marijuana or. tyrus: well, whoa, whoa. >> you wrestled so why are we lying as a society and let me ask you another question. if you can't take a knife on the plane why can you take a german shepherd that could bite someone's face off? [laughter] greg: put a muzzle on it. greg: god for bid you put a muzzle on a dog. i've seen that. [inaudible conversations] kat, you sensible and people need to have people who made this but there are people who are hijacking it and i think that they'd do the a disservice to the people who need it. kat: everyone is missing the point. literally all pets are emotional support animals. there is literally no other reason to have one. it's not like they help out
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around the house. it's not like they ask you how your day went. i have a kat and he is one 100% a deadbeat roommate. all he does is walk around and shed his kitty for all over the fruits of my labor all day long but when i need to snuggle he's there to snuggle he's there to emotionally support me so what i am saying is by logic all pets are emotional support animals and should be allowed all places at all times. [applause] >> i took a kat on a plane once and it was mad and under the seat and she was making weird noises the whole time. the whole flight. i think they should be able to stay on lap. greg: why can't i be a support animal? i want to be a
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mr. elliot, what's your wifi password? wifi? wifi's ordinary. basic. do i look basic? nope! which is why i have xfinity xfi. it's super fast and you can control every device in the house. [ child offscreen ] hey! let's basement. and thanks to these xfi pods, the signal reaches down here, too. so sophie, i have an xfi password, and it's "daditude". simple. easy. awesome. xfinity. the future of awesome.
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greg: it will be so fun now that they can run. the latest video of the alice robot.
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good for you. big deal. combine that with what google did this weekend and you will see white mutiny could be looming now that robot sound human the company's ceo revealed the assistant that sound so real it could make phone calls for you. it can react intelligently even when it doesn't go as land. >> hello, i'm calling to book a woman's haircut for a client. looking for something on may 3rd. >> sure, give me one second. what time are you looking for? >> at 12:00 p.m. >> we do not have a 12:00 p.m. available but closest we have to
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that is a 1:15. >> great. >> have a great day. by. greg: here is a duplex making a dinner reservation. >> i like to return a reservation for tuesday. >> for seven people? >> for four people. >> when? >> wednesday at 6:00 p.m. how long is the wait to be seated? >> not too busy. >> oh, i got you. thank you. greg: i was so impressed by this i started developing my own voice. i had it make a call of its own. >> hello, by. >> hello, i would like to make an appointment. >> sure, what's his name.
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>> greg. >> and what hair would you like removed? >> none of your business. >> okay but i want to make sure we get your boss to the right specialist. >> did you not hear me the first time greg: i've got to work out some kinks. i've got to say that kat, i'm worried this could be used for the various deeds. kat: i'm excited. i may never have to interact with another human being ever again. human beings are awful. they have germs, they have psychological needs, they can
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sometimes make you cry. robots you just plug them in and i have been able to plug in so much stuff without crying even a little bit, not to brag, and i'm excited that i won't have to do this anymore. you wait making the phone call for the appointment. greg: also bringing up with people. get rid of that. a lot of stuff. >> what i'm intrigued by this is a google has all the money on earth on the create something that doesn't really is a is helping humans but it's another step to demolishing our existence. how come every time someone gets billions of dollars they think how can i destroy humankind? kat: humankind is great but human contact is awful. >> the stupid but even couldn't say i want to make up an appointment for 12:00 p.m. that's not a human being.
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how did the woman is this a robot because -- another woman may have been another robot because she says we don't have a 12:00 p.m. so why didn't she say noon? greg: that's the thing, tires, you have to have context to make sure it's robot. tyrus: if this thing can do where you buy the app or you download your voice -- [laughter] boys night every night. hello, hello honey. watching golden girls. [laughter] go out with greg? no, not me. tonight, sweetheart. would you like me to read to you? greg: i could stay on the phone for hours and then what did your sister tell you? i can't believe you guys fight so much. i like your sister. tyrus: i'm so faithful for this relationship. [laughter]
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this could be phenomenal. greg: i know jedediah you are terrified of the stuff. >> i also think they're making fun of us. they had to dumb down the robot. the robot was saying like a -- in order to make it sound like a human they had a make it sound dumb. i think they are just spooking us out. you will be the one responsible so let's not give a lot of coverage to the robots. i hold you personally responsible. you have elevated these machines. greg: yes, because i know when it happens they will be thankful to me and i can decide who lives or dies. it will be like the road where i'll be the guy in the chariot with the big thing on his face on the robot will be like anything you want, greg, because you were there at the beginning not like jedediah and you will
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greg: thanks to >> molly: a fox urgent, one person killed and four others injured in a stabbing attack in paris. police also killing the suspect whom isis is now calling one of its soldiers. investigators opening a terrorism investigation. good evening, i'm molly line. you're watching "the fox report." the incident taking place just a short time ago near the famous paris opera house located in one of the city's popular tourist district. brian yennis joins us with of more. >> reporter: a man armed with a knife began stabbing people at random, killing one, wounding four others, two seriously. the suspect was shot dead by police.

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