thank you for watching. i'm advocating for truth, justice and the american way. i'm jeanine pierrot signing off, greg gutfeld is next. see you next saturday. >> man walks into a pet store and sees as a sign, talking parrot and buys if it comes back and says he doesn't talk. dices what letter? tour owner says sorry, the letter is $10. another week and no talking and back to the store. he did not climb the ladder and look in the mirror and talk, another purchase. there becomes a guy comes back to the store and the owner says the parent is dead but before he died he spoke in the store owner says what did he say. though they sell any birdseed at that store you. greg: will be appearing at the comedy cellar all week. [cheering and applause]

let's get after it. i love the media. i love the media. check out these old headlines trump promises 4% growth and economist say no way. or this one. if trump thanks he can get more than the present economic growth he's dreaming. last but not least, hello larr larry,. >> if you use the standard of what the administration has held out hope for, three or 4% growth there is nothing in any data suggesting that we are moving towards that three-4% standard. greg: oh yeah? eat this larry. >> i'm thrilled to announce that in the second quarter of this year the united states economy grew at the amazing rate of 4.

4.1%. [cheering and applause] they like it. so, who could have predicted that? >> i believe it's time to establish a national goal of reaching 4% economic growth. my great economists don't want to say this but i think we can do better than that. greg: the optimist. i wish you find the right sentiment to express how i feel. [laughter] i wish i could remember what i was laughing at but as trump proves the naysayers wrong, what are the naysayers clinging to? a little piece of leaked audio. >> this is the ugly sordid stuff that happened behind the campaign that we are now hearing

about. >> this tape shows how the sausage is made. >> i'm hearing to criminal co-conspirators conspiring on making a payment. >> the president of the united states to try to tell you what you are seeing and what you are reading but it's not happening. don't believe what you see with your own ears. [laughter] greg: don't believe what you see with your own ears. that's a fortune cookie that makes no sense. in other words, it is a fortune cookie. the question, did anyone die from this secret conversation? was anyone physically hurt? does anyone care? which leads me to a new sextant. does anyone care? tonight's episode, slimy lawyer secretly takes his client referring to hush money paid to

a centerfold who had consensual relations with the rich dude who later became our president. i know what you are thinking. where is the honor among playmates? [laughter] granted it's not the sort of deal most of us will make our lives but to paint a centerfold to keep quiet, i believe that's called tuesday. [laughter] petty cash for playmates to trump is his swear jar. i would not be surprised if there are more, you are 73, billionaire, three times married, living in manhattan and you don't have to share your apartment, your hanging on models and if you only slept with stormy daniels and this other playmate you might be gay. [laughter] if he is, i still do not care. you know what i care about? those new applicants shakes. i love them. they are delicious. i wonder sometimes if i love that too much.

and world peace. what is not to love? does matter to me. trump's love life is not on my list. but now i realize that it matters. for example, right now in north korea their dismantling rockets sites. why? obviously because trump may have slept around. [laughter] the europeans just stopped skimming us with tariffs but according to cnn before that trump may have slept around. [laughter] the gdp for this quarter just hit 4.1% and to celebrate us steel reopened a plant in illinois but according to sources before that happened, trump slept around. he's got the thousand users relations and we created an economic boom but trump slept around. wait a second, i sense a trend here. what experts call a correlation, here are these amazing achievements and right before them trump had sexual relations.

with women. could it be that all of this good news is due to that? i know correlation is not causation but maybe his tex-mex life has made us all better off. i feel bad for the media. the invent so much time in the scandals. why? because democrats are hopeless at understanding sex. raising income taxes is their pillow talk. redistribution is there for play and that is why they're good at screen people. [laughter] which is why -- thank you very much. [cheering and applause] this is why it's good news that the democrats would rather get drunk on tawdry tales and i thank you should do because of my god, he lied to. >> whether we know what happened or not, whether the payment happened or not we know he lied. >> it shows that trump line once again. >> the white house lied about

it. when this first came out hope said that donald trump knew nothing about it. >> the president had no knowledge and you know and giuliani knows that is a flat out lie. he had an affair with her. greg: oh my god, he lied, he lied about in affair. how is this surprising accusing a rich old new yorker about lying about an affair is accusing michael moore splitting his pants. [laughter] is to be expected. i hate to tell you this is why line was invented. do you remember the first lie? the garden of eden, the snake, no, no, he's just a friend. as long as there is sex there will be lies and as long as there are lies there will be journalism and politics. i don't condone it but when there's so much good stuff happening in this world i just do not care. [cheering and applause]

let's welcome tonight guests. like a man who steals your organs to sell them on the black market and he will keep you in stitches, comedian jamie jurek. [cheering and applause] he produces more drama than my pet llama and stars in the new movie out this fall actor nick searcy. [cheering and applause] social interaction gives her an allergic reaction, natural national review reporter captains. [cheering and applause] and the jumbotron is his iphone, former wwe superstar in my massive sidekick, tyrus. [cheering and applause] tyrus: i'm going to get you. greg: i'm scared. i'm shaking in my little boots. tyrus: okay. greg: jamie, how are you doing?

what are your thoughts on this week so far any insight? >> i would not have believed that story if i had not heard it with my own eyes. [laughter] unbelievable. i feel like that parent joke was brutal. the parent was not only missing a mirror and a letter but a punchline in timing to anything stormy daniels -- it's weird that they used one of those porn star name generators. it's like what is your favorite weather and your father drink and stormy daniels. mine would be raining martini in years and maybe sunshine seven jan. greg: nick, what you make of the good news in the scandals? >> pick one. it reminds me of the movie i directed which is coming out october 12th 5 nice plug

climax. >> was that too obvious? the thing about the lawyers is the taping thing. the tape of trump talking to his lawyer, is that common practice? do lawyers keep their clients and if so, why? greg: funny that trump lawyer who's a fixer hires hillary's lawyer who's a fixer which would be like lanny davis hiring michael cohen. there's fixer's hiring fixers. i need a fixer. >> no. greg: what are you doing later? , thoughts? kat: i can't even begin to tell you how little i care who anyone has sex with. i don't care. everyone in the media really think that if they can prove that donald trump had sex with

these women and lied about it people who support trump are going to suddenly stop supporting him. i think that people care more about things like the economy and more money in their pockets it's not they don't believe it. they're not stupid but it just doesn't matter. you know how much i've been affected by who donald trump has had sex with? not at all. greg: really? kat: yeah, my day has been the same as it would've been if he would not have had sex with those people. greg: is the achievements that affect your life not what he's been doing on his private time elsewhere tyrus, bring it home. tyrus: as far as lying, i'm not going to judge the president on if he's lying or not because i've been known to lie about whether i take the trash out or not. [laughter] white lies, as i was called? that's my thing. i feel like they love the scary

movie and it's coming to theaters but it never comes to theaters. even recording somebody is simple and michael cohen, [bleep], can get lower than being a rat but what kills me is he is setting somebody up what he supposed to be a fixer -- he's one of the worst people in the world. if you think about someone who is so rotten that you would trust him with your secrets and he records them and then when he gets in trouble tries to use them against you and i guess he was sitting on the phone while he was recording so you cannot even make out what he was saying. they had to get a rocket surgeon and ophthalmologist to figure out whether he said cash or check. he's a bad black male and then he finds out that it's a desirable offense to record a client. it scans a lot but he broke a

lot. then he leaked information that i know who happened or what thinking the prosecution would help them and they said no, we will not help you at all. you can't cooperate because re- proven liar. he's had the worst week that a villain -- usually they have a bad week at the end of the movie but this dude started out with here is my plan and got arrest arrested, the worst villain i've ever seen. you would think he'd be better. greg: what drives me nuts is when you watch the other networks they are ignoring what matters and in their snow globe the only thing that matters porn stars, playmates, michael cohen intake. when you're in a snow globe you don't know you're not in one. everyone else in the world is enjoying, their life is getting marginally better everyday but they don't know that at cnn because are too busy chasing tail or tales, tawdry tales.

all right, coming up, democratic candidates are out of step with the mainstream in other news, chocolate is delicious. [cheering and applause] ♪ it is such a good time to kiss ♪

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b5 like a drunk octopus trying to line dance at his sister's wedding the democrats are out of step. what an intro. like you didn't know that already. according to a new nbc wall street journal poll 56% say today's democratic candidates are out of touch with the mainstream and that's a spike from two years ago when the new number was 42%. that is when bernie sanders was all the rage. and that looked great with a man. [laughter] i was one of the first. bernie sold young voters on socialism and got progressive to take a hard left turn but this poll shows they are not progressive enough.

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hug the enemy to death. [cheering and applause] greg: cap, the polls say the democrats are out of step and they say the republicans are out of step are the libertarians out of step? kat: no one really likes us but we don't really like ourselves. greg: that is true. kat: that is okay. i feel like it shouldn't be surprised that the democrats are out of step as i feel like when you talk to most americans they don't say what that what they want to do is wait in line for toilet paper so i'm not surprised that this old democratic socialist thing is not catching on. people want capitalism we can get toilet paper via amazon prime without getting off your couch and as much as you want you can get 4712 packs and build a fort for you and your cat to sit in.

you know, it's not like it always comes down to toilet paper but sometimes it does. greg: if i could have a dollar for every time it does. the big democratic, the new obama, alexandria and she is a socialist what you make of her? she's never. >> it's like she's never read a newspaper or book in her life. this young lady is i can't imagine where she gets information and i'm beginning to think that she's a republican plant where they have placed her there to make the democrats look incredibly stupid. greg: tyrus, will it democratic party pay attention to the polls and fix themselves? tyrus: there are too many rules. i don't like rules. when i get by mike is a

president and the instructions are this thick, we are winning it. the new democratic world order there are 37 gender so how will i say hello to someone without being afraid of a lawsuit? there's all kinds of give me stuff and i don't want to give anybody jack. i'll keep mine and you get yours and will be fine. there are too many rules and they don't even know -- when they talk -- if you ever have a conversation with a super left person they talk in a person so i don't even know who i'm dealing with. [laughter] everything is a world cost. i just want a coffee. i'm sorry i came in here. i won't do it again. if me forgiveness will kill mike because in the amazon, i'll st stop. greg: to your point about -- your first point, party forgotten -- it's liberals were supposed to be liberal and now

they have more rules and conservatives are the ones that don't want rules. the conservatives are the freaks. they are for free everything in terms of thought. tyrus: you have to catch yourself to greet a stranger. if you don't know something about them, don't find out the hard way by asking. [laughter] >> i felt like this is one of those articles where they did need to do the polls. they're like they're out of step but we knew it had of time and i feel like they could've saved money. i don't like any candidate is talking about what i'm worried about. like how do i keep beat my kid at fortnight? tyrus: that's a real thing. dragon ball z, i have to ground him to beat him mid- game. [laughter] connect no one cares what i'm worried about. i'm worried about healthcare. i asked my daughter what she wanted to do and she asked to do

a puzzle so i had her go to healthcare .gov. [laughter] greg: should be and on that note or do you have a third joke? >> i don't think i do. [laughter] greg: i think the democratic party needs an intervention. they need to sit down the leaders and say socialism is ruining your life just like with drugs, you said you been doing a lot of socialism and you're losing your friends and running out of money and we are here to help you will fly you to a capitalism center and teach you how to make money. that would be the answer .com, nikki haley has great advice for conservative teens. so do i, listen to nikki haley. [cheering and applause]

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[♪] marianne: i'm marianne rafferty. the body of a missing sailor has been found in lake michigan. the body was recovered from the lake after a search that lasted more than a week. he fell off his yacht july 21 shortly after the annual race too mackinaw. a 330-mile race off the northern tip of michigan. john lewis was hospitalized

today for undisclosed reasons. the civil rights icon is reportedly resting comfortably and undergoing routine observation. he played a key role in the civil rights movement. he's expected to be released from the hospital monday. i'm marianne rafferty. greg: now, if i were nikki haley and who says i'm not? i would ask high school kids to raise your hand if you've ever posted anything online quote unquote on the lips. >> razor hand if you ever posted anything online to quote unquote own the liberals. i know it's fun and i can feel good but -- [laughter] but step back and think about you are accomplishing when you

do this. are you persuading anyone? greg: she said that to students but adults can learn from this. i'll admit it's fun to troll the other side and they make it so easy sometimes. >> don't believe what you see with your own ears. [laughter] greg: i will play that forever. if you go online now there are two sides clashing over nothing. it's vicious into nikki haley's point, no one is persuading anyone. government you try to cross the aisle with an olive branch. you get shunned by your own like actor mark who faced the wrath of the online mob on his side as he had the nerve to complement ben shapiro on twitter. then he had to apologize for being nice. what he was. neither side will win the great twitter war. it's been mutually assured destruction. is that good or bad or both? i don't know what went i do know

is i prefer to dance in front of gus the dog. [inaudible] [laughter] greg: the greatest dog ever. he knows a bad answer when he sees with it, your twitter feed is rambunctious, combative and would you join a group of people that say i'm disarming and i'm no longer going to be so negative on twitter? >> absolutely not. i don't think nikki haley has seen my twitter feed she would not have seen it. she says that i know it feels good and it's fun but what are you a composting? what's wrong with feeling good and having fun? not trying to persuade anybody on twitter. the point is i don't think i'm going to persuade them but i want to ridicule them and have

other people see how stupid they look. greg: good point you're trying to persuade the person you're insulting your trying to give some kind of energy to the other people that almost teach them how to do what they're doing but it might be considered mean what am i turning into? used to be so mean, tyrus, what is happening? tyrus: i don't think too much about you, greg -- you know what it is, we have believed right now. whenever you are winning it's fun to put phone at the other side and it's great but when you are losing it sucks. it goes back and forth. i had a flashback when nikki haley was talking. i literally thought it was minors at school and some. when i had an embarrassing moment when i had my first -- you know, at school. greg: i don't want to know. tyrus: she was like it's fun and it feels good but don't think

about those things at school. greg: oh, i see what you mean. [laughter] it took me a while. [laughter] tyrus: .com and cooling boys in it to be back to that nurse. used to go to the nurse and tell her stuff and she make you feel good and if your mom saw your heart you are a dirty little boy the nurse would tell you it's okay. it feels right. greg: we will move on from this discussion. jamie -- >> when tyrus was talking there were four moments where i felt like i knew what he was talking about and then he said something else and i still didn't know. greg: let's stay on topic about civility online. [laughter] >> thank you. greg: civility online, is it worth it to be the first person online to disarm? >> you don't always have to be leading but you could be having fun but what a great point that

you could be rallying troops but i do get tired of the hate sometimes and i don't know if you know but it's an add-on for google chrome and it turns off all politics if you want to break so i turn it on the other day and there was one puppy video left. [laughter] greg: and it was an old right puppy -- exactly. would you ever -- you are on twitter an awful lot and are not meeting on it -. kat: i try to be nice i think that is probably right but i do understand that it can be very tempting sometimes. i will read an article that says yoga is cultural appropriation and that everyone is a certain halloween costumes are cultural appropriation nightly line if i said the first thought that comes to mind was not to post a

video of myself doing yoga in a pocahontas costume. [laughter] but i would not be changing hearts and minds that way and if i wanted to try to change hearts and minds you have to be respectful. greg: i had to semi- serious comments on this. this social media behavior might be necessary because were not allowing this behavior anymore in the real world. were not having community for getting together and churches are under attacks and sororities are being gender-neutral and teams are breaking up so maybe twitter is the only place we can insult each other and build each other and make jokes because you can't do that anywhere else. having said that, now people are collecting scalps on twitter. you can't make jokes anymore because you could be the next one. >> you can lose your job. greg: you can lose your job. >> the director of disney, his job is gone because of some joke he made. it could happen to you -. greg: no, no, don't look at my

twitter feed. coming up, would you attend your own funeral? science says it's what is possible. by the way, science is my third nipple. [cheering and applause] ♪ ♪ keep it comin' love. if you keep on eating, we'll keep it comin'. all you can eat riblets and tenders at applebee's. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. the most highly recommended bed in america just got better. introducing the reinvented tempur-pedic. designed with the most pressure relieving material we've ever created and superior cool-to-touch technology. find your exclusive retailer today at tempur-pedic.com. could help them save money on car insurance? yea,that and homeowners, renters, motorcycle and boat insurance. huh.that's nice.

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greg: we will watch our bodies die through a robot site. according to the futurist scientist humans may attend their own funerals by 2050 by merging their minds with machines just before death. as seen in this whatever that thing is. he lays out the scenario where the mind does not need a physical body to exist and you connect to an android to use as your body from now on and attend the funeral and carry on as before still you just with a younger, highly upgraded body. i would need that.

because your brain would essentially live in the crowd you could switch bodies as often as you like. from where we went to mike and the immortal goat for comment -- >> don't jump. don't jump. don't jump. what is he doing? oh, oh, oh -- he jumped. [bleep] he jumped. [bleep] [laughter] [bleep]. dude, we killed a [bleep] goat. >> dude, he's alive. greg: get with the program. is this realistic and would you do this? tyrus: no, i would go to my funeral and sit in the corner and listen to people talk about me -- my funeral will not be pleasant. there will be a lot of people not on things and plus my note before i go will build real. [laughter] people start turning around the

computer laughing in the back in its me what is wrong with dying and i just don't get it? i can't wait. i'm waiting for my testosterone to go way when your time comes, let it go. will you be a robot? b5 you are saying. greg: you are saying let it go. tyrus: you'll have your dream because you can get in with your ai buddies because after a while the robot guys will be jealous of the flash guys so that will not cure racism because we'll have robots attacking anyone with me. greg: it will -- this will be meat and metal and that will be the war because i am the best benedict arnold for metal i would be king of the metal because i don't like meat. i think this would ruin funera funerals? kat: i think that it's a lot of science in trouble and much simpler than that. all you need to do is there

yourself a funeral while you're still alive. that's what i'm doing. greg: that's a great idea for a company. kat: i'm doing that in three months for my 30th for the party in a few months. this is not a joke. i'm coming in a hearse end in a casket and i'll have a processional of people they been as i enter and will be a big party. not everyone is invited but you're invited to like the photos when you see i am not joking. greg: i have a feeling you will be doing this. next, i think -- what if you are in annoying unlikable person and people are relieved that you're dead. then oh great, i had to deal with brian because his head is in a new bat? >> why are you asking me this? greg: i don't know. >> i like to be in my own funeral to hear what people say about me. it would work better if i could get that thing started now like if i could get the robot that is

me started up now i could get a lot more done. i could direct another movie like my movie which is coming out october 12th climatic. greg: it's a great movie. >> was that too obvious? greg: no, it was a tough movie to make. wherever it is you should find it. jamie, would you do this? >> stupid question, great britain i'm not the smartest guy but if i'm at the funeral why don't we just not have a funer funeral? you know what i mean? jim is on and they say no he's not but he's over there -- did i ever tell you my idea to get a laugh in my funeral i want to have an open casket but when you come up my legs are showing. [laughter] wouldn't that be funny? greg: that's pretty funny. >> i just think in general -- will you write that down?

greg: and if something happens i will say you want an open caske. tyrus: open leg casket. >> robots we have to be so careful with building things that we cannot compete with because i had this ex-girlfriend and i bought her this electronic toy and i never saw her again. [laughter] greg: on that note, still to come, it's the most interesting interview you will ever see. i am serious. you don't want to miss this. stick around. [cheering and applause] welcome! hi there. so, what do you look for in a vehicle? sleek designs. performance. dependability is top on my list. well then, here's some vehicles that deliver on that.

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greg: you may have heard my new book is coming out this tuesday. sadly, i did not get invited to the view to talk about it. [laughter] but i can honestly say i did get invited talk on a different show and they gave me the permission

to run the full clip on my very own to take a look. ♪ [animal sounds] greg: thank you for having me. i've always been a fan of your investigative work. it's a pleasure to be here. [animal sounds] greg: i really did this for the fans. everywhere i go to blast me

where can they read the monologues from the show. where is one place they can get them so i decided when not give the very best monologues and put them in the book. [animal sounds] greg: i figured it would be different to take a book and criticize it and take it apart and go after the thing you got wrong so i took my monologues and if you look in the book you will see, take a look, i have commentary with my actual monologues and i'm fairly blunt about the things i got wrong. [animal sounds] greg: the one thing i noticed is that i tend to rely on certain clichés like if i'm writing about a liberal i will often say they have a nose ring or a henna tattoo and i find i fall into stereotypes over time which is

intellectually lazy. i tried to call myself on that wherever i go. also, i think i was mean on bernie sanders. i should of been nice. [animal sounds] greg: my favorite topic is always going to be hollywood because it's so easy something is always going on in that place that is worthy of ridicule and every day there's an actor or actress things have been stupid and i wake up every morning to write about. it makes my job so easy. [animal sounds] greg: the producer will send me ideas and that's a great question. what i do is pick the ones that are most exciting to me and start writing. i don't like to think about it too much because when you think about it you start to lose the scene. you want to dive right in and before you know it you come up with your own point of view.

it's a lot of fun, i think. [animal sounds] greg: i learned that there are a lot of interesting topics that culminated in's presidency. if you look at what i covered law and order, identity politi politics, terrorism, these are the things that donald trump hit on so i'm convinced that he created this entire clinical plank on or off my monologues. [animal sounds] greg: i think the shorter the better, much like me. [laughter] if you can make it under 80 seconds that is perfect. it should be sharp, original and funny it does not have to be funny off the bat. first you write it but then you had the jokes later. short, clear, concise and unexpected and surprising. much like the work you do, don

don't. [animal sounds] [cheering and applause] greg: thanks again dolphin and ted next weekend is the start of my book tour. more dates are coming soon go to g gutfeld .com for the latest tour information. don't go anywhere, final thoughts next. [cheering and applause] are you done yet?

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greg: jamie, where will you be? i'll be on netflix and check out season to on netflix right now. greg: it's funny and i enjoyed it immensely that, you have a movie. >> [inaudible] opens october 12th. here's a clip. >> a lot of the employees at that clinic have been arrested on drug trafficking charges, why haven't you? >> objection. >> given your personal animosity why should we believe anything? >> your honor -. greg: that's intense. >> i love that guy, he's a great actor. greg: tremendous. thank you jamie, nick, kat, tyrus, in my studio audience. [cheering and applause]

[♪] jesse: welcome to. "watters' world." i'm jesse watters. there was a big blowup on the view. a shoutfest over socialism. >> think about it. medicare, social security, the library. >> i hope democrats do run a democratic socialist because you will lose spectacularly and i'll look forward to election night where i get to tell everybody i told you so. i think you s