right things. advocating for truth and justice in the american wa way, "the greg gutfeld show" is coming up i next saturday night. [laughter] ♪ thank you politician school. . >> i was here on christmas evening, i was all by myself [laughter] in the white house it is a big big house except all of those [applause] out on the white house lawn with machine guns. >> he should have called. . >> if you like trump or not this explains why he is resonating because he is real and not a politician because he's not a politician he doesn't have to be an expert at being fake politicians are >> the new year began with a shot heard around the world. like a bug lamp they attract people that are nothing but a façade which he is not. >> just like you can fix stupid you can hide from it. it reeks 35 years ago i went

[laughter] to a place in california like . >> he sounded like chewbacca or a jersey shore seagull betty ford for drinking and booze if she gets elected i will roll the doobie in drink choking on a toenail to make a jack daniels those who don't learn from history will repeat it sound like the wicked witch before she melted. it somehow those on the left [laughter] drinking booze like cnn reports news. have the misguided opinion and idea that each one of you simply by being born are [laughter] the new year if that ended there i would be happy but responsible for every bad instead we got knit a leader decision that every on the planet has ever had weather from honduras that you are not just on policies but also the character of the people who get to watch that person responsible and supposed to take care of that. bibles not stand up on my hind and i think that's an area the president needs to focus more attention to make some changes. legs like a puppy. >> he went after trump he >> i think that exposes her greatest blind spot she is incapable of being anything

but someone else now it's bravely stated that trump is rude and divisive and mean something he must have learned groveling for that secretary brett kavanaugh. of state job. [laughter] [laughter] . >> i have a great idea. thinks for giving the same [laughter] fertilizer that we knew when we elected the guy. [applause] i can wait to hear about the a great idea for a running new beverage flat and boring mate. rachel dole is all the white lady who put tent - - and clueless he's just the pretended to be black they can opposite of trump here's run together like you can tell me i am white. what's more exciting than mitt romney. melba toast, drywall i >> excellent that's really good. >> that video was very couldn't find a third thing. uncomfortable to watch she was [laughter] here are three things that were more bland than mitt trying so hard to be cool and it just reminded me how i used romney number three, two mitt to behave in a school i used romney's. [applause] to walk around carrying a beer but i wouldn't drink it i was

too scared because i was underage are going to the bathroom to dump it out we even had similar haircuts. . >> i like him like clean socks they are nice to have but [laughter] instantly forgotten he was taken by so many conservative anti- trumps followers who . >> this just dated long as you crave that respect when they bash the president now he was might me of every white girl i ever dated. deemed by the media as a dog >> i think they like beer. [laughter] hating misogynist now that same media who made him out to be a mormon hitler thinks he they were trying so hard. is brave and that has to feel good people like him finally. know they still think you are a fool that you are useful cmac but that's what it reminded me of. does he realize once he stops bashing trump it's back to bashing him but trump doesn't they aren't racist they just don't know what to do they don't want to say the wrong thing so therefore they don't care he seems like he is in a say nothing right. good mood i bet it's because he got a great letter from kim jong noon. >> i just got a great letter from kim jong noon and they >> he didn't seem thrilled to be there like he'd rather be

in the bathtub of moray eel. >> that is what was so funny about the video it was so obvious how and relatable they have never written letters like that. are. now i'm good. [laughter] it is a great letter to make >> i hate this and everything about this no thank you and also i went to her exploratory committee website and her whole phrase is rebuild the he does get along very well middle class and she's selling with the india and the prime one button plus tax and shipping for ten dollars i minister but he keeps telling me he built the library in afghanistan that's like five love it when judge kavanaugh then person kavanaugh that hours of what we spend but there is nothing worse but thank you for the library had a know who's using in then she says will have a beer. afghanistan they are not just >> stick places for sleeping in porn the libraries in new york but he could've had a lot easier who doesn't love a deal? i do. presidency by doing nothing. check out the united explorer card.

>> i could've had a lot easier savin' on this! presidency by doing nothing savin' on this! savin' in here. but i am here and i want to do rewarded! it right. learn more at the explorer card dot com. need a change of scenery? kayak searches hundreds of travel sites >> so despite the noise he has gotten used to this sort of - even our competitors thing probably because he's used to this sort of thing you have heard the sea legs to - so you can be confident you're getting the right flight keep the balance on a moving at the best price. ship trump has trump legs the kayak. search one and done. ability to keep calm all his critics are losing there. [bleep] . >> and we are to make sure the republican party dies. >> he lied right to their faces be met looks like hitler took over the nazi party trump has taken over the republican party. >> know we don't win baby we don't. [bleep] she said. [bleep] to her baby?

what the hell is that? [laughter] nobody has even talked about that. we believed it but you know, what she said animals are great. >> screaming for impeachment is an attention seeking device the democrats version so now i am so edgy that a 14 -year-old thinks it is bad ass so it starts off for the last one ended so trump causes good times insanity they just can't stop and why not before trump they were nothing now with trump they are almost something if trump ever goes

to jail they know they go straight to the unemployment office which is in the building probably owned by trump. [laughter] meanwhile the debate over the wall continues which is absurd especially at look what the democrats have said in recent years. >> i voted on numerous times as a senator to spend money to build a barrier to try to prevent illegal immigrants from coming in. >> we simply cannot allow people to pour into the united states and detected in undocumented and unchecked. >> i like that guy. he should be president. is funny how different your views are when you are the party in power now suddenly you are the adult craving rules and laws but then when you are out of how are you are the child and throw tantrums and deemed borders as racist. >> you have for white men for

strong white men of a certain age not smiling by the way and this wall isn't a wall it's let's keep america white again. >> now there is all wall donny deutsch is the dumb as one he puts the block in blockhead. line him up he makes a perfect wall so why is this resistance something they embraced before? apparently it is personal he is a just pushing for the wall [♪] he suddenly is the wall and alicia: live from "america's news headquarters." they cannot see over it maybe i'm alicia acuna. he needs to appeal to their thousands of protesters took to the streets of paris saturday, feelings and not their brains. their first demonstration of the new year. french security forces fired tear gas and rubber bullets at >> the most aggressive infrastructure project the side of the rio grande and get the demonstrators. it was the first attack on ready for the racist free sexist free wall it is the government property since the border wall you always wanted yellow vest movement began in

early november. without systemic persuasive inequality how does it work? elizabeth warren made three stops in iowa saturday with thousands of people showing up to hear her speak. first it will never tell you she hired former staffers of you should've majored in women's studies so it is not bernie sanders and president barack obama and announced the formation of an exploratory sexist or racist plus it isn't committee last week. white or male so there is no white male privilege and now guns can affect the wall they i'm alicia acuna. by have no sexual orientation 300 percent. by isn't that right? featuring a built in rosie o'donnell this wall is so pc . >> destroying an asteroid to save humanity? zero gravity childbirth in that story tonight. it will have nancy pelosi and chuck schumer chanting. [laughter] racist free sexist free wall. [applause] [applause] . >> so bright you will see

news that is spacey. after she leaves. first nasa has developed the [applause] first mission to defend the planet called the double asked he is so wise country music droid redirection it will hit legend larry gatlin. the smaller rock then [applause] hopefully gets to the larger rock which is knocked off course so it doesn't hit the earth it's like shooting pool for nerds meanwhile in the netherlands a startup company and our viewer reporter. [applause] called safelite once to send a pregnant lady 250 miles above former debbie wwe sidekick and earth to give birth in space host on fox nation. she would be accompanied by a world-class medical team and the reason? ever have to leave the planet 2019 the first of the week is as crazy as a last. for good we have to reproduce in space. >> you think romney will challenge trump most of us are

just as tired of these ♪ tantrums that we have seen . >> who need space? emerging from that table to now that position he deems as power and influence so we will all forget it the people which mission is more around him or not that's who important playing pool with he is collaborating with so if asteroid. >> asteroid i can handle this giving birth in space garbage he does it to all of us with tax payer dollars who pay their salaries to have all of i do not know what's up with everyone who is giving birth these grandstanding's in the now not a went to give birth in some super creative way i show of force in all of these had natural i had water into a expletives just do your job. [applause] giant bathtub full of jell-o. why? why are you doing this what is wrong with the hospital? i don't understand. . >> you have strong feelings [applause] . >> it's a lot of work. about everything give me a strong feeling of this week. >> you want to try that again >> i don't know if i ever have children but if i do it will be on earth. click. >> my strong feeling? . [laughter] in a hospital with an apple >> with your monologue girl like a normal sane person. , there's almost nothing in

life that is more contemptible [applause] then watch poor little rich . >> in space nobody can hear the baby scream. kids masquerading as petulant >> that is so creepy. [laughter] don't think that in others got children because he was a child and his father lost the presidential bid centuries passed me but gravity is ago. i think he believed he was entitled to this when important in childbirth. president obama beat him he has not gotten over it and then of course, i don't want to see that. course, hillary is the all time ultimate thumbsucker the little rich kid say that quickly five times so just to i don't want it floating around the placenta and the watch these people who have afterbirth it's in outer space been who have had everything it doesn't just lay on the in life and they get their ass table. kicked once or twice. [laughter] [laughter] [applause] greg: i do think it was choreographed just like a that is terrible if we are broadway show. stuck in a spaceship the last >> that's a pretty good analogy. i do think it absolutely was i thing any woman, i'm just

don't think mitt romney is guessing say find a planet alone we see other congressmen especially in the democratic side where it is more about with some air first if you want all this find me some fighting and finding a real solution that's why i think what has been going on because nobody really once it too and gravity and a planet with water and oxygen then you can have all the duty you want but until then nothing is going on they just want to keep fighting because they enjoy in this spaceship. [laughter] that there are entire relationships built like that. [applause] . >> know taxpayers were paying >> i am not going to laugh me money to be in this relationship that's it makes a different. about the asteroid threat because that has happened before with the dinosaurs but they are not here because of >> they need to stop it and an asteroid so it only takes stop focusing on becoming stars and i can get on tv emily toward trending on twitter instead of solving a problem. [applause] one big asteroid. >> and i loved the whole plan mentioned only at the end . >> president trump has made italy figures out five or ten more millionaires in 2018 more years in the future you people in gotten famous by literally have to know ten years in advance it seems like

talking trash he makes more a lot of effort that probably stars than anybody else this would not happen in the whole support thing? official report there was a but this is cashing in because second there that bodily we wouldn't be talking about him it's not a verb or a noun fluids glob together and glide is just trump people pay toward the capsule the whole thing was nauseatingly. attention so instead of just being another senator he is [laughter] now our arch nemesis now two or three weeks in the news probably another book there . >> imagine being the first space baby? will be met dealing with the trump monster so the one thing that is entire topic of intersection nullity. there is only one of you. the president has done has fired so many people and then >> think you there is only one of you also. he finally did something for [laughter] me. my favorite word is now okay. . >> my grandson was born in [bleep] [laughter] dubai and our daughter in law i love that word. gave birth with the water it is a noun and a verb i use it all the time if i don't thing this child is the most know your name 220 i can say cerebral cat you have ever seen he only cries when he needs to poop or sleep.

it. she said it. guess what? so do i. sorry get the beats going. >> you should and on that note and on a laugh. [bleep] . [laughter] >> thank you president trump. . thank you sir. >> new year's resolution no more stories about childbirth. >> turning everybody into little restaurant that serves nothing but trump so they are out there with their hot dog stand selling trump burgers and people are buying it. he truly is the product and they are selling and he knows they are selling and he knows that that's

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uh, yeah, i was calling to see if you do laser hair removal. i guess we're sleeping here tonight. xfinity home. simple. easy. awesome. for men. notice that my hips are off the ground. call, go online or demo in an xfinity store today. [ engine revving ] and then, i'm gonna pike my hips back into downward dog. [ rhythmic tapping ] hey, the rain stopped. -a bad day on the road still beats a good one off it. -tell me about that dental procedure again! -i can still taste it in my mouth! -progressive helps keep you out there. greg: in india no more massachusetts senator elizabeth warren a.k.a. chief greg: is it worth 1000 and full of bull is now launching plan to tell facebook to scram? how much would it take for them to give up facebook for an exploratory committee sadly one year? not from the north pole that about a thousand dollars. you put your whole life on just means she can begin raising money for a their euro opinions and your presidential campaign which is disgusting dinner your annoying offspring then you probably why she got on the insta graham to kick back with stock ex- girlfriends and ex- a cold one to talk to all the boyfriends and post videos of kids out there in tv land.

cats and ferrets you can give >> for everybody that is joining this video it's great all that for thousand dollars? to hear from you. wait a second. if you offer me $10000 i would not stop doing this. my husband bruce is now in ♪ here. do you want a beer? he is the best. 20000 i would think about it i love doing that. i love you. i love you to thank you for being here. . >> that was the opposite of it isn't that much money but i guess it is. comfortable. >> people will say anything [laughter] they just came up with a round he says no i'll pass on a beer number i don't use facebook for now it look like he was for over two years farmers searching for the cyanide capsule hidden under his tongue. when politicians go out of their way to show how hard they have to try to act like farm girls quick. >> she still on it. >> they say they take the money but they would be back on it. people and they never get any better at it. if only there was a place they could get help.

>> you have seen it before >> i could not use my fake politicians and their awkward account? people are so addicted to the attempts to be down-to-earth and relatable. likes and the fake friendships they wouldn't know what to do without it. >> hold on i am going to get a they would break the rule they would take the thousand beer as she even human it's dollars to buy more like someone is to graham and then almost impossible to tell. >> i am running for office just like senator warren i am a phony and i have no real they go to twitter then bring back my space they would just keep jumping because it is emotions i simply act normal such an addiction and any that attention. so you will like me but i no >> would you do it quick. >> no way. longer suffer of fake person my ex-boyfriend is getting syndrome and i owe it all to the politician school they married this year and how else would i get my hands on those wedding photos? showed me how to drink beer. how would i see that my other high school ex-boyfriend keeps [laughter] gaining? how lacy of my boyfriend has a boyfriend yet? he does like men but and how to field serious questions from voters. >> me in the guise of the plant lost our jobs and i'm in ex-boyfriend detective this is my favorite career.

danger of losing my house what >> this is what it's about people looking at their past and wondering if i am better is your plan to create new than that person? jobs and why are you smiling at me? . >> if they look at justice kavanaugh yearbook if they looked at my yearbook it would [laughter] just be sleepy time down south. [laughter] and they really help me nail i don't even know do you log my sports lingo. >> thank you for your service or branch of the military are you?w to laugh at the into it? what do you do? . >> it requires a computer. >> i do not have one. >> that's where i start you push a button do not the internet is. >> 895 a month. [laughter] . >> it is like a cloud then they connect you to other people through the cloud. >> did you smoke before you got on? [laughter] here is what i do honestly. we have had a wonderful

career. i don't have many moments like this but because nice people by our records i get to go to some places they don't get to go so i will do a sophie a look at the eiffel tower and a lot of people in america won't get to go that's what i do. >> you will never see this. [laughter] but i said that to my assistant she logs on to the cloud. [laughter] then people see it and that's what happens. >> i have never had facebook ever ever so you could not pay me i would accept no amount to create a facebook also is that all these people swore off facebook when all the data was

disseminated but the numbers proved otherwise everybody said i'm done but nobody really was. >> it's hard to give up something that people take for granted we have to go. so much more to come is it a prank or is it arson?

greg: police and firefighters in pennsylvania responded to a report on christmas eve that bag of dog poop was lit on fire on the porch it was extinguished no damage done nobody was hurt the investigation led to the suspects of an 18 -year-old who according to police confessed and was charged with two felony counts arson and on $20000 bail that is the subject this is a new segment

where we devote three hours of live discussion whether or not excrement set on fire constitutes arson you want to be a lawyer is this arson? . >> pennsylvania takes it so seriously they have six different categories one of them is basically like if you think of lighting something on fire and putting it somewhere that is arson so it makes sense to me he was charged but it is the oldest prank. >> but that would change the whole plot. >> i went to law school for six months i don't know if it is arson or not but the whole situation is at some point in time he add to pick up a dog

heard and place it in a bag so if i were going to do that that thousand dollars i would save on facebook i can imagine somebody being so mad and then light it. i'm sorry. >> i think the biggest crime is his hair. >> that was the #dork not. >> you do not like the man bun. stop it is arson? . >> no. [laughter] this is my reasoning i did not go to law school but i do watch a lot of and a one - - adam sandler movies this happened to billy madison.

he is not an arsonist i should bring this argument to a court of law looking for an attorney feel free to reach out to me and i am not attracted to him. [laughter] . >> but we never know. >> i'm proud of myself that i am not that what is arson one thing that could be are those trick candles because that is nonconsensual fire. >> i don't think so because you are burning something of no value. >> it depends on who you talk t to. >> i didn't go to law school but the school of hard knocks but here is the thing that's missing the idea when you light the little bag on fire the person comes out to put it

out. so if anybody is at fault is the dumb ass who says let me download what to do. [laughter] because the world we live in if you walk in the park they will call the police on you they called the police and the fire department so paint the scene there is a small bag of burning dog crap that the police officer and firefighter said we don't know how to handle it somebody put it out then the guy said got you it is a prank. >> but if you don't report it you can also be charged. >> where is this quick. >> pittsburgh. >> my ass is never going there. [laughter] . >> thank you for bringing the law to this. it is arson.

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greg: before we go the monologues is life coming to florida to shows in tampa and palm beach special guest tickets for both shows are on sale now go to the website for ticket information we are out of time thank you. [applause] on "life, liberty & levin." [♪] jesse: welcome to. "watters' world," i'm jesse watters. nancy pelosi got the gavel and the left is starting to unravel.

congrats to nancy. she got what she deserves. what did she get in the caracas caucus. caracas is the capital of venezuela. let's look at their agenda. universal healthcare. price tag, $30 trillion. math is hard when aroun