tv The Greg Gutfeld Show FOX News February 10, 2019 1:00am-2:00am PST
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up, and i'll see you next saturday night. i can't say same place, because i won't be here, i just told you that. [laughter] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] greg: yes! loud, very loud. okay, okay, okay. shut up, everybody. [laughter] so trump's week was about as good as the democrats' week was bad. first, he had the state of the union. dare i say it? pretty good. and i hate state of the unions more than i hate children. [laughter] but it was a solid, positive assessment of the world; strong economy, jobs, foreign policy. plus, it had something for everyonement on one side, there was more cash for defense. on the other, paid family leave. on one side, a defense of the
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unborn. on the other, second chances for the incarcerated. so every gift to the right had something for the left. it was more balanced than me when i'm on my meds. [laughter] and that must have really confused some people, enough to forget how to clap. seriously -- [laughter] what was pelosi thinking? [laughter] >> i think dr. seuss really had something here. one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. [laughter] oh, brilliant. oh, shoot, it's time to clap. oh, i forgot how to clap! [laughter] greg: somebody needs new software. the best part, trump attacking a disease that's making a comeback among doe-eyed dems. >> we are alarmed by the new calls to tonight socialism in
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our country. [background sounds] america was founded on liberty and independence and not government coercion, domination and control. [applause] we are born free and we will stay free. tonight we renew our resolve that america will never be a socialist country. greg: oh, that stings! you know it hurt some feelings, like this guy. [laughter] wonder what he was thinking. [laughter] >> turkey salading, there's a good sandwich. chicken salad? overrated. why don't they make a salad that's a sandwich instead of a sandwich that's a salad? that should be my new campaign. salads, they can be sandwiched. [laughter] greg: true. but there was a soft or side to trump. aids research, treatments for
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sick kids. if he got any nicer, we'd have to revoke his republican status. [laughter] but it wasn't like the crowd was having it. nope. for the most part, trump couldn't crack a smile from this fighting force of dental hygienists. [laughter] i know, i know, i know, they were wearing white as a symbol of solidarity about the women's right to vote, which i can safely say i am for, okay? [laughter] for now. but every time i looked at them, i felt like i was about to get my teeth cleans. [laughter] thankfully, i already had them cleaned. here is tape. [laughter] greg: painful. ing wrong tape. here's tape of my last dental visit. [background sounds]
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[laughter] greg: i hope that's not my brush. one more. ♪ ♪ greg: that's dr. steve. very thorough for an otter. [laughter] so trump offered something for everyone. he went after russia, or china, he announced another meeting with north korea. so did the media like it? surprise, no. [laughter] >> everything else he said in this speech will be overshadowed by the fact he said there cannot be investigations. >> that the president of the united states at this moment in the world did not mention climate change in even a sentence is just, frankly, a disgrace. >> what he represented is someone with absolutely no attachment to anything he says. >> it was so grandiose and over the top -- >> i saw this as a psychotically
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incoherent speech with cookies and dog poop. [laughter] greg: cookies and dog poop. i know what ben and jerry's is making next year. [laughter] anyway, so what's with all the pyle -- bile? there was too much compromise to make the conflict stick which doesn't help the media which can only profit from anger toward trump. add the media to every pot, and the meal stinks because conflict and profit are joined at the hip. the media business model, to be an eternal stirrer of [bleep] [laughter] kids in the audience. [laughter] they're, like, weird volunteer firemen who start fires so they can put them out. the media creates unrest so they can write about it later. and the angrier we feel toward our fellow americans, the better the bottom line is for cnn and
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msnbc. and then, get this, add one more problem. it's the dems, not trump, who are truly f-ing up. that's one upside for everyone having a bad week. [laughter] the dems have had it worse. between liz warren and the entire virginia democratic party, i say the only people who had it worse was anyone who ate dana perino's queso. [laughter] [applause] yep. so while trump's been a two-year target of pseudo-scandal dodgeball, the dems are soaking in the real stuff. no wonder adam schiff's running down the streets in his underwear screaming tax returns. it's a deflection mueller's giving them zilch. trump's doing fine. they have no choice but to bang pots and pans all around the house like a 10-year-old high on pop rocks -- [laughter] and hope that maybe the media
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pays attention, which they will. here's your week if you're a democrat. late-term abortion, black face, sexual assault accusations, then more black face, then more assault allegations. could this get worse? if virginia's democratic party takes credit for dana's queso, then yes. [laughter] but you know what? they wouldn't even do that. [cheers and applause] greg: let's welcome tonight's guests! [cheers and applause] a hummingbird -- [cheers and applause] all right, all right. apparently, they didn't try the queso, dana. [laughter] co-host and anchor of the daily briefing, you know her, dana perino. he's so sharp, he can slice a melon with his thoughts.
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the great writer and tv producer, rob long. [applause] her favorite character in titanic was the iceberg. host of the tyrus and timpf podcast, kat timpf. [applause] and when he trips, people yell timber. former wwe superstar, my massive sidekick, tyrus! [cheers and applause] all right. dana, i kid you about the queso. it's provided me with so much information. >> i'm glad to have provided you with material this week, you were a little light on things. greg: yes, yes. [laughter] what did you make of this week so far? >> it feels like it's been four weeks -- greg: right. >> the queso was just, actually, five days ago. greg: that's true. >> state of the union, i would say -- there were no hecklers. greg: right. >> okay? there were these great moments where you had a spontaneous happy birthday for an
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81-year-old who was one of the guests of the prime minister. you had some -- of the president. the president of the united states, for the first time in our country's history, had to be on the floor of the united states congress to declare that the united states will never be a socialist nation. [laughter] greg: i know. >> and the thing about that was he wasn't just saying, okay, i'm midway through my term, he's like, okay, this is a choice -- greg: yeah. >> between what i'm proposing, capitalism, freedom, all this good stuff, and socialism. that was a very interesting way to frame it. greg: yeah. it's very scary, rob, and i just want to say i rest my queso. [laughter] rob, rob, that probably wasn't worth interjecting into that -- >> so jealous. greg: i know. >> it was like what were you doing, just sitting there eating pringles. you had queso, sitting there in your underwear -- [laughter] greg: what are your going to wear when you eat pringles?
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>> kind of a sheet so you can scoop up the crumbs. greg: exactly. rob, what did you make of the week? take your pick of any issue. >> the state of the union, i thought -- the heartbreaking thing about it was it was really good. so you think about trump, you can do this if you want to. you can give a speech that's sentimental -- >> patriotic. >> patriotic. you can actually be the chill, together, emotionally stable person -- [laughter] so let's just do more of that, right? the brilliant thing is you could hear the democrats in the audience saying, the hell it will. [laughter] he got them so wired -- gregg: yes. >> they arrived to that thing. you ever make a call to the cable company and you're pre-irritated? >> yes. >> you're sod mad, and you're calling, and you just know that you're going to yell. and then the person on the other end of the line solves your problem in two minutes, but
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you're still really mad? [laughter] that was the democratic caucus in that room. greg: the villain wasn't what he was cracked up to be. yeah, they just had to look at him and frown. kat, is it possible for compromise if it doesn't serve the interests of the media? >> no, i don't think compromise is going to happen. greg: no? >> no. there are things that people should have been delighted about. for example, sitting there we had matthew charles, alice marie johnson who are free now because of trump. greg: right, yes. >> and only because of trump. because i read about it and that is how pardons work -- [laughter] special report, again, i bring it back. it's wonderful there's so many people in prison who are, shouldn't be there, they're there for too long, and there's three of them that are free now. everyone should have been saying how amazing that was. there's a lot of things. low unemployment, could have clapped for that, but they were so mad because they don't want him to do anything right, and i don't see how compromise would
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be possible. unfortunately. greg: what about you, tyrus? >> you know what? i enjoyed -- my favorite part was when buzz aldrin was on there, and there was a usa chant. the whole room was chanting usa for, like, six seconds we were a united country. [laughter] greg: yes. >> yeah, i'm glad -- >> etch was usa! it wasn't like half the room going usa, not on my watch. even was involved. so at that moment it was like, wow, we can be unified. >> that's such a low bar though. oh, i'm glad our country likes our country. [laughter] >> what world have you been living in, because our country dislikes our country immensely. so the fact that they were able to come together on, kids, how s significants? -- consonants and a vowel. that was it. greg: and the happy birthday. >> and the other part, if i could get there, greg and kat,
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damn! [laughter] it's so bad between the -- this was my point before i was interrupted. the response from the democrats was prerecorded. greg: yes, it was. >> which means even a response to a speech they've already made up their mind hell no, so so they preif record it so they could all go to chiles and enjoy queso. that was probably the first time in a long time we've seen both sides do something unifying. greg: it's a good point. it was prewritten, and she didn't even watch the speech, do you know that? >> if you prerecord it, then you can go to the bar. greg yeah, that is true. why didn't i think of that? coming up, a new art exhibit features an ivanka look alike vacuuming crumbs. that's really a thing. [cheers and applause] when we started our business
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shipstawant more from your tentejust say teach me more. ofinto your xfinity voice remote to discover all sorts of tips and tricks in x1. can i find my wifi password? just ask. [ ding ] show me my wifi password. hey now! [ ding ] you can even troubleshoot, learn new voice commands and much more. clean my daughter's room. [ ding ] oh, it won't do that. welp, someone should. just say "teach me more" into your voice remote and see how you can have an even better x1 experience. simple. easy. awesome. ♪ ♪ greg: it's art that truly sucks. it features ivanka and a vacuum, hence the sucking. behold, in the performance art piece called ivanka vacuuming at
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a gallery in washington where a woman who looks, quote, strikingly like ivanka trump enters a carpeted room and starts vacuuming. while patrons throw crumbs on the floor for her to vacuum up. that's pretty humiliating. but isn't that the point? the around it's says we enjoy throwing the crumbs for ivanka to vacuum. that is the icky truth at the center of the work. it's funny, it makes us feel powerful, and we want to do it more. how edgy, how dangerous, how lame. [laughter] look, i'm not trying to censor art, but art is about taking risks, and that's about as risky as peanut butter. all this bozo did was match the media's desires. and how is this not misogynystic? anyway, i've seen better performance art here. [laughter]
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and here i thought that only happened to me. [laughter] rob? you are in the entertainment field. don't you think that performance art gets a free ride because there's no standards? >> yeah, it's just whatever, right? you can see this, oh, man, i got this grant to do this thing. [laughter] ivanka vacuuming. greg: yes. >> that's great, just to that. greg: trump plus x. >> she's going to polish some silver. i get it, it's very complicated. you mention like anybody else, imagine chelsea clinton, right? they're actually very similar. both have parents with complicated marriages -- [laughter] both have participants -- parents who got super rich in shady ways -- [laughter] both have dads who have strug thinged with weight. they could have picked her, right? that would have actually made people watching that very
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uncomfortable. this made them feel super smug and proud of themselves. what kind of art is that? greg: it could have been that ivanka's just really good at vacuuming, and chelsea isn't. [laughter] because, kat, i don't know anything that chelsea's good at. >> i don't either. greg: did this disturb you as a woman? >> i was so jealous. ivanka has it made. first of all, she is so rich and so successful that i'm certain she never has to actually vacuum ever. [laughter] she has people to vacuum for her. second of all, she's apparently also so famous that people want to watch a look-alike of her vacuuming. [laughter] if there were an exhibit of kat timpf look-alike does the dishes, i'd let people throw food at that puppy all day long. i do have the question, where are the crumbs coming from, and
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isn't that wasting food? greg: that is true. >> yeah. this is a social justice nightmare. [laughter] greg: i think it's coming from the beards of the left-wing men. >> oh, the hipsters. greg: tyrus,, that wasn't directed at you. >> i know, i ain't no left-wing man. greg: does this bother you? >> a rich white woman vacuuming? not really. [laughter] i try to -- like, when i read this story, i was like because we've got kids in the audience tonight, we're just going to play it safe? but then that creepy video you showed of the dog peeing, sorry, kids. [laughter] guess it really doesn't matter. it's funny how you word things. if this would have been, like, women are so powerful that they can be ceo of a business and then come home and clean up after lazy men, we'd all be applauding this as brilliant. wow, that's so true. a woman can be a ceo during the
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day and come home and have the clean up after her lazy ass husband. wow, throw a baby at her, she catches it while she vacuums. [laughter] women can do it all, this is amazing. but, no. instead, they wanted easy money, and they just put that trump on the end of it because everyone's going to come see. and it really was a really lazy ass piece of artwork. hey, kids? this is why you to that report ahead of time. [laughter] you know, like, when the teacher says you've got two weeks to do the assignment? don't do it the night before, because it'll look like that. greg: dana, was this demeaning? >> of course. this is also very funny to me. this is revealed on the same week that ivanka trump announces a big new global initiative to help women all over the world become entrepreneurs with better skills and training so that they can help take care of themselves and be better providers for
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their own families because we a all know that's what women around the world actually need. and so it's a strange juxtaposition, right? they would never have done this to chelsea clinton. but they will do it to her. greg: it's a great point. the performance artist has not done a tenth of 1% of what she's trying to do for women. she's doing more for women than the performance artist would ever do for women. plus, performance art is such a scam. anybody can to this. ing you could actually walk up and throw spaghetti on somebody and go, that's performance art. >> officer. greg: what? >> officer. [laughter] greg: yes. i'm in the park walking the dog at one a.m., and i don't really have a dog, officer, it's performance art. [laughter] not sure what that means. up next, is denver about to legalize shrooms? i don't know, but if they do, i've got a tourism ad to sell 'em. [cheers and applause] ♪ muck
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lowered most individual rates. now back to gutfeld. ♪ greg: will tourism boom if they legalize is the shroom in voters in denver will soon decide whether magic mushrooms should be decriminalized. enough people signed the petition to put the proposal on the ballot which goes up for a vote in may. recreational pot has been legal in colorado since 2012, but denver could become the first city in the u.s. to
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decriminalize a hallucinogenic drug. [laughter] and if it does, wait until you see the ads from the tourism board. >> there's never been a better time to visit -- [laughter] home of the broncos, coors, mile high -- [laughter] ♪ ♪ [background sounds] >> skiing, avalanche. ♪ ♪ rocky mountains. >> denver, take a trip. [laughter] [cheers and applause] greg: that's the best. kat, you're like me, you think all these things have medicinal properties, and this is a good sign, no? >> yeah! decriminalize it. 1,000 or %.
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even if it didn't have anied medical value, even if people just wanted to see, you know, dragons, i think that's fine too. it's not the choice i would personally make, but in this country, it's supposed to be a free one, and we should stop locking people up for what they choose to put inside their own bodies. that's number one. number two, yeah, this actually does have legitimate medical purposes. the fda actually found that it can be a breakthrough therapy for depression. you know what sucks, greg? greg: what? >> depression! greg: yes, it does. i don't know why i said what. >> yeah. so why are we going to not take advantage of something like this just because it has a stigma? i think they should definitely decriminalize, and i think everyone should decriminal eyes all the things except for, like, murder. [laughter] i do draw the line somewhere, greg. gregg: the chalk outline, apparently. [laughter] tyrus -- thank you very much. they laughed. tyrus, the problem with illegal drugs is you can't get a
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standard dosage, so people end up oding, but if you legalize -- >> i'm still tripping out from the video. [laughter] took me back some places. i agree with kat. even with the murder thing, i'm with you. >> yeah. anti-murder. >> i agree. also when you take the element of crime out. now, many moons again, children, in another lifetime, we'll call this guy george, okay? george was in college with some of his friends on the weekend, and one of his buddies came in from wisconsin, weird guy, and he might have brought a bag of things that resemble what we're talking about today, shrro to ms or mushrooms. i think they're called shrooms. and they might have tried said mushrooms, this george character, whoever he is -- [laughter] and it takes you there. at wasn't point, george couldn't stop laughing, to the point he might maybe he had to go to the hospital because he was laughing at everything. there was an old river picture
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in the living room, and to get to one side of the room, georgeed had new jordans, and there was no way in hell he was getting them wet. la. [laughter] so -- and after that and a headache late everything we realized, you know what? this isn't really for george. [laughter] so i get it. you know, maybe if we would have went to, like, a walgreens and got a proper prescription, i wouldn't have thought my house was flooded -- >> you mean george. >> george, yeah. [laughter] [applause] greg: dana, this is colorado. don't pretend. >> pretend what? greg: you, we know. >> wyoming's beautiful neighbor, colorado. >> yeah. my family all lives in denver. friends all around colorado. they think it's been terrible. greg: oh, really? >> yeah, they're not happy. and, look, i know all the hate comes at you if you say that.
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i'm for states' rights, and i get that. you know, sometimes i have that saying you have to be for what's going to happen. these legalizations are going to happen, so my request is just that people be mindful, keep children safe and do what the police say, like, don't drink and drive, don't do all that stuff, and let's just see how it goes. i am very encouraged and excited about the medicinal properties it has, and if you can use it to help treat people, especially our warriors that come back with ptsd, then absolutely we should to that. greg: very good. rob, you're kind of the expert on this -- [laughter] >> by the way, dana is so high right now. [laughter] no. yeah, i, i, i'm an activist sort of in this community. i would say that one with of the reasons why these things should be legalized, they're not addictive, there's no research that says they're adick ty. they're incredibly helpful for ptsd, assault victims and psychedelic drugs, even lsd, you
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know, lsd -- the founder of aa -- greg: yes. >> -- went to canada in the early '50s for lsd treatment, and that is one of the reasons why there's a spiritual element to aa, because he had a spiritual experience. this is sort of serious stuff, and the reason we don't have them now is because of, like, incredibly crackpot bureaucrats who want to control everything you do and a federal government that can't let something go, and it's time now for us to sort of, like, you know, enter the new century and treat it, i think, treat it with great respect and like these are serious med is sins, but they can absolutely transform people's lives for the good. greg: we get it -- >> you hear that, george? greg: you're a dealer. [laughter] >> george, wherever you are -- greg: you've got to lose the magic so it's not a novelty. just call it something else. you can't go with i'll have the
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[applause] greg: meanwhile, billionaires, they create jobs, they move the stock market, they boost the economy. and even more, if you ban billionaires, who's going to fight the media? jeff bezos said it himself, if i can't stand up to them, who can? trump nailed the daily telegraph for smearing his wife, now bezos is facing off with the national end quirer. what do they all have in common? they've got enough f.u. money to do so. [laughter] which is why we need billionaires, to protect your right to send nude selfies. for reaction, we turn to a leading socialist for a response. [laughter]
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bernie's looking younger. [laughter] hey, tyrus, take your pick. you want to talk about bezos or banning billionaires? >> gee, i don't know, kids, bezos or billionaires? parents are nodding. billionaires for 500, please. greg: yeah. >> i guess if we all get a check, because where's that money going to go when you tear down the billionaires, are they going to spread it out? greg: can't work or unwilling to work, right? >> i mean, i'm just a scoch short of a billion myself. [laughter] short, give or take a billion. [laughter] so i think this is ridiculous. and where are we going with this in so if you're successful, are we, like, back in medieval times where, you know, the billionaires come up and say let them eat cake, we'll pay for it? where do we go from this? is being successful now the new villain? greg: yes. >> i mean, i just don't get the
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purpose of the paper, because you're going to say get rid of billionaires, then it's like, well, millionaires are kind of smug too. greg: you can never find enough rich people. >> then there's that thousand-aire, f him. [laughter] greg: tyrus is right, we used to admire the american treatment. >> it's even weirder for "the new york times," they were bailed out a few years ago -- greg: by a billionaire! >> he let them expand. new york times is doing really, really well, but they had an influx of cash from carlos slim. we didn't mean you. greg: we like a certain kind of billionaire. >> yeah, exactly. the point about it's like economics 101. just because someone has a billion dollars doesn't mean they took it from somebody. they didn't take it from you.
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they actually created something that expanded the pie. the dow closed at, what, 25,000 today, at some point, what is that, 100,000x return since 1903? the economy gets bigger with people as they get richer. it's not a zero sum. and i feel like we have to keep saying that over and over again in this country, which is worrisome. greg: that's the thing, dana, that this argument sells because people don't read about the -- >> it's as old as time itself. greg: that is true. 4,000 years. >> i call it sbo, selective billionaire outrage. greg: right. >> as you mentioned tom steyer, if you're a liberal, that's a good billionaire because he will help pay for your campaign to impeach president trump. the other thing, the "national enquirer", i heard they might be running an op-ed to ban all billionaires as well. [laughter] this business model's not working out for us anymore. greg: kat, you're a libertarian,
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i believe. >> yes. i'm pro-billionaires. greg: yes. >> people who want to ban billionaires want to do so for the exact same reason that i want to ban women who can grow long, thick, beautiful hair. >> oh, come on! >> out of their own head. [laughter] >> what would you do when they cut it? >> what do you mean? >> is it their hair and your hair now? >> because of capitalism. [laughter] because of capitalism we live in a country where we can have billionaires, and we can also buy and sell hair -- greg: yes. >> -- with each oh so i can have that hair strapped into my head. greg: did you get in touch with the person who gave you the hair? >> this is all from a stranger. i don't really know who it is. [laughter] but i'm really grateful, because people on twitter are always like, kat, your hair's beautiful. gotcha. [laughter] capitalism is a wonderful
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stole your dog -- [laughter] now we are even, doris. happy valentine's day, my love i've been living under your bed for three months. these are really terrible. never send these out. happy valentine's day. i've tried on all your underwear. [laughter] awful! these are the kinds of things you should never send, america! you are so beautiful, or now anyway. sadly, the inexorable process of aging affects all of us in a negative way. [laughter] this one's very bad. you're the kind of girl i could take home to my mother. my mother's dead. [laughter] i don't even know what that
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means. maybe she's in a vase in the living room. all right. you brighten my day. you also make the voices stop, the voices that tell me to kill. these are terrible and very suggestive. happy valentine's day. i got you flowers. like us, they will die soon. maybe that's one i should edit out. anyway, this is my favorite. roses are red, violates are blue -- violets are blue, you are not ignore me. [laughter] [applause] i have more but, you know what? [applause] i'll just stop there, okay? i'll stop there. those are suggestive cards, dana, you should never get. do you like valentine's day? >> i don't really celebrate as an adult. i have been married for 20 years, but i loved it as a kid. [applause] greg: don't applaud i loved it as a kid -- >> no, they applauded 20
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years -- >> her marriage, greg! she loved valentine's as a kid. [applause] mr. chairman of. [laughter] greg: i'm speaking of in grade school as someone, kat, who got so many cards, i felt bad for those who didn't. that's what i hated -- [laughter] >> i'm sorry, kat, i know it's your time, but you expect us the believe that? [laughter] greg: you'll have your chance. >> oh, kids, cover your ears, he's lying through his teeth. >> that's the entire point, right? many. greg: right. >> these college students, most of whom are adults, should totally be able to handle receiving a card from someone that says be mine with a b, or whatever garbage they're selling in the stores these days, because first graders do it. finish. greg: yes. >> first graders are able to handle receiving these cards. and i also got a big box of cards in the first grade. i think i peaked at 5. [laughter] i think i peaked at 5.
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but if they can handle it. then college students should be able to handle it. i have no resulting emotional trauma whatsoever from the valentine's thing. [laughter] greg: yes. not from that anyway. >> not from that. greg: rob? >> i think it's a very problematic holiday. [laughter] think about cupid. you are involuntarily, without consent, violently penetrated -- [laughter] by an underage, e erotic totem. greg: a cherub. >> whatever that is. that can't be good. so i feel like they're probably -- i understand that if you really think about it, well, you should probably banish or all fun, but especially this fun. greg: it is too much fun, tyrus. >> yeah. i mean, as a schoolteacher, like a kinder garth p teach or -- kunder garten teacher, bring your sexual harassment ass over here. go stand in the corner. [laughter] the reason why this is such a
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broad thing is because you don't know what is safe anymore. greg: exactly. >> so i kind of applaud the school, it's kind of a warning. because if you send the wrong card to the wrong perp on the wrong day, it could ruin your life. valentine's day is the scariest day if you're a dude without a date, and if you gave the wrong woman a card, that's your ass. [laughter] greg: you know, i hate present day valentine's day as an adult when you go to the restaurant and there are other couples that feel compelled, and it's very quiet. whenever you go out -- >> hushed tones. greg: it's so quiet because those are people that don't go out a lot, so they force themselves to go, and they aren't even fighting. they're, like, so quiet. at least if you have dinner at home you can fight. [laughter] no, you have to be like this, happy valentine's day. i love you. it's not working. all right, don't forget the gutfeld monologues continues next month. the first show is sold out. buy tickets finish oh, but
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and tyrus. owowowowowowowowowowot noon. ♪ jon: second woman accused lieutenant governor of assault and political crisis that could flip democrat to republican control. >> virginia's top 3 elected officials all democrats are facing growing calls to resign from their own party, governor ralph northam and attorney general mark herring both admitted to wearing black face. now saying he will dedicate rest of his term to rake ill equity, meanwhile second in command lieutenant governor justin fairfax has denied two separate accusations of
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