i will see you next saturday night. [♪] >> some factions of your party are embracing socialism. >> i think the democratic party is a big tent. that's one of the things i always loved about the democratic part which. >> would you call yourself a proud capitalist. >> i don't know. >> do you consider yourself a capitalist? >> the label, do you consider yourself a capitalist -- >> does capitalism work? >> i don't look at myself with a label. greg: we get it, you are stupid. [cheers and applause]

gregg thank you. thank you very much. greg: thank you. thank you very much. how was your week? when you were doing fun and important things with your loved ones, you know what i was up to? came in first. later anyway. but what was congress doing? opening 81 new investigations. instead of doing actual work, congress plans on subpoenaing everyone on earth. included in the group are yanni, yes, yanni, alf. the base that holds the remains of my aunt. and of course this guy. [♪]

greg: i could watch that for hours. there is something wrong with me. which begs the question, what do these idiots do for a living. suddenly they have all this free time. imagine you are in your job understand sales, electrician. hired killer. your boss says i need you to launch an investigation against the other insurance guy, electrician or assassin. apparently you don't do that much if you can drop everything to annoy something else. being a congressman should be a part-time job like a mall santa, a vendor or apparent. they have to fill their job somehow with investigations. investigations are their opiates and they are running the

pharmacy. so i say, let's join in. >> in the past year congress has spent thousands of house on investigations but in 2019 they will investigate all the thing wanted investigated that youer in had the courage to ask. children, are they little adults or large babies. which meatloaf do americans prefer. when is it okay to stop believing. other than their tear tide employees, why does anyone listen to maroon five. if i drink a puckett of paint and start throwing up.

what does it mean when i dream that my teeth are falling out. my german great grandad lives in argentina. when do i tell the authority who he really is. after all these years is one of pat sajak's arms longer than the other? it's a congressional super hyper investigation palooza-fest. goingreg: we hired a crack teamo uncover what the house dems do during their workdays. here is was -- here is debbie n

at work. that's kind of impressive. but here is the investigation committee actually at work. i don't know if i'm terrified or aroused. no wonder they have no time to solve real problems. for weeks the dems have been dancing around ilhan omar's slurs. they had a resolution including all people. they bury omar's seasons among many others -- sins among many

on thers. i wouldn't break wind until we drove by a cattle farm. now the dems make it about hating every one. but you can still hate trump, trump supporters and of course nickel back. >> only four wanted to keep this provision. 77,000 wanted to change this. that's probably the percentage of people who think nickelback is your favorite band. >> why would you criticize one the greatest band of the 90s. greg: those are fighting word. we'll take nickelback, you get maroon 5. my favorite argument against the initial resolution. kamala harris was concerned the spotlight being put on omar

might put her at risk. wasn't the spotlight the only thing omar wanted? no one cared about putting trump supporters in danger. one of our democratic candidate not addressing the resolution. any questions? anybody? they are right in front of me. >> regarding the controversy regarding congressman omar. >> when we finish i will happily stand and talk with you about that. but is there anything about this piece of legislation that is out there. i can't see the people in the back. it's such a billing room. so i will end this press conference. greg: that wasn't awkward at all. i hope he gets the nomination. if i were trump you know what i would do beside declaring my

birthday a national holiday. i would issue orders cutting the work hours in half. require them to work 20-30 hours a week at a real job, making real things. maybe they can work cleaning cages at the zoo, or maybe in the sanitation department because they are also good at shoveling [bleep]. period. all right. let's welcome tonight's guest. he has written more scripts than i have eaten chips. tv row dyers and writer rob long. stock market guru and financial analyst heather zumarraga. freddy kruger once had a nightmare about her, kat timpf. he once stepped in a black hole

and it came up to his knee. tyrus. host of "unp.c.." rob, what do you make of these new investigations. >> it's a status symbol. if you aren't investigated, you feel like a nobody. there is a bunch of investigations and they are all weird and complicated. what you need to do if you want to win, you need to convince the people not watching fox news or msnbc. but you want to convince the people that are sort of trump period to give him a shot. greg: i answered an ad for that once it wasn't what i thought it was. >> too many investigations people think we are not giving this guy a fair shake. greg: you start building

sympathy when you start going after everybody he knows. >> i think the chef may be subpoenaed for putting russian dressing on his salad. it has gone too far. james comey had an op-ed this week, criticized democrats in july 2016 for you not wanting to disclose hillary clinton's investigation the same way republicans are not want to go fully disclose mueller's investigation. what hasn't been publicly disclosed is not going to sway public opinion at the end of the day. i think what's going to come out is already out there and it won't change anyone's mind. greg: they could tell us he slept with another porn star and we would say it's still not a lot of porn stars. kat: i don't care if it was

every porn star. the on thing i care about is that once this is all over, which should probably be around 2045, the way it's going. i want to see everything they found. if they are not going to show me something, then i want to know why they are not going to show me something. these people in these intelligence agencies need to remember they are supposed to be working for us. this investigation was suppose to be about making sure we protect the integrity of our election system. it wasn't about let's take down this dude we don't like because we don't like him. let's see what you have been doing with all your time. let's see waw found, didn't find. you worked for me. show me the receipts. greg: it's some guy we barely know who called some people and had a meeting. i don't want anyone close to me

running for president because we would all go to jail. anybody i knew. tyrus: that's because you are a creepy criminal. greg: i am not a criminal. tyrus: you just told the camera you were. once again, man, i don't want to remember it. if you didn't cloud my brain with all that [bleep]. trump period. you always make it uncomfortable. the only thing more uncomfortable more than your creepiness in your monologue is cory booker giving a speech. i really want to like him. but he can't even handle a room. where is the eject button.

where is the smoke bomb. he looked like the end of the wizard of oz. he cannot handle anything. any time he's asked something. i will be right back guise and take off running. i want to hear what he has to say, but he literally can't say it. greg: he's the michael scott of candidates. >> sometimes he's so inauthentic. he's the guy who tied you up and threw you in the trunk and making nice conversation with you like you are not going to die. it's creepy. greg: i want trump to run as a democrat so he can debate the democrats. all of them.

if it's possible, trump should resign just so he can enter the democratic primary. that would be the greatest thing ever. tyrus: head explosions everywhere. >> this is how much trouble they are in. if he ran as a democrat he would til be -- he would still be the only candidate who would say i'm a capitalist. not saying is that with a capital c? greg: why are the democrats worried about bernie sanders? it's the dark secret no one is talking about. to a car

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[ sighing ] ♪ oh my momma she gave me ♪ these feathered breaths ♪ ♪ oh my momma check in from afar with remote access. and have professional monitoring backing you up with xfinity home. demo in an xfinity store, call, or go online today. [♪] greg: to add to your stupor, john micken looper. -- hickenlooper. he says he's a moderate. but is he? moderates should be able to

admit they are a capitalist. >> do you consider yourself a capitalist and does capitalism work? >> i don't look at myself with a label. greg: he has one up side. if you rearrange the letters in his name you get this. an epic elk honor. i like this one. pencil hooker. my favorite, cheek oil porn. okay, that's the title of my next album. in an article bernie sanders staffers want him to be less grumpy. they think his demeanor hurts

the campaign. he's mean to the media. no one ever got elected doing that. so he's a little gruff. asking bernie to be less grumpy, or trump to be less trumpy. that's what i think. i have got to ask. what is bernie sanders really thinking? >> how can we lean in here. how can we know you were in north carolina last night. >> who let the dogs out. woof, woof. >> just meeting your staff, they are incredibly hard-working people. >> who let the dogs out, woof, woof, woof. who let the dogs out? >> in this fast pace where you

are and your rife are on the campaign trail. >> maybe i should change my name to something sexier. i wonder if anyone has taken that name. if it's taken, i'll go with channing tatum, what very good name. greg: likenhooper is a good name, too. tyrus: i'm not playing this game with you. greg: you are grumpy. grumpy makes the world go rounds. did the staffers just get there and realize this an old man, chances are he's going to be grumpy? anyone else been around old

white men? i have, and they are always mean. bernie is that guy. why wouldn't you make nice with hillary. didn't she steal it from you? is that the new thing now? he's grumpy for a reason. greg: they are more worried about his grumpiness than his socialism. kat: i am more comfortable with grumpy. but it can be creepy. especially when it's like a baby. but i think his grumpiness is part of his charm because he's so mad about all the capitalism.

and i'm happy about all the capitalism. as soon as he gets happy, we don't have capitalism anymore. so him being mad means our country is doing great. greg: that's a good point. he's a madness barometer. grumpy people are the only ones who change the world because they make the complaints. grumpy people, without them you don't have progress. >> you don't have workers or employment. when the answer to everything is socialism, no wonder you are grumpy. they can't exist in terms of having free education, free healthcare, free everything. a university of new hampshire poll showed bernie sanders voters are more likely to vote for him than joe biden.

the "wall street journal" did a were vie and set least characteristic wanted among a candidate is 75 years old or and socialist. who would that be? it's not too hard to guess. >> i don't think he's grumpy. he's from brooklyn. he's a new yorker. just take the subway to the studio. someone turned to me and said, hey, what time is it like i did something wrong. i cannot wait until he gets the nomination and we have brooklyn versus queens. it will be so great.

greg: it's the subway series. >> talk about grumpy. greg: it should be trump and bernie. bernie should be vp. it's a buddy comedy. >> they are eating tuna sandwiches yelling at each other. greg: foreign tourists are not coming to america. want to know who they are blaming? guess it rhymes with trump. finish her senior year. things will be tight but, we can make this work. ♪ now... grandpa, what about your dream car?

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[♪] aishah: live from "america's news headquarters." i'm aishah hasnie. singer r. kelly was released from a chicago jail after someone wishing to remain anonymous paid $161,000 in delinquent child support payments. he faces 10 counts of aggravated sexual abuse. charges involve three women, two underage at the time of the event. he called his accusers liars. this is the world's oldest living person. she is 160 years old. she was honored in japan by the

"guinnes book of world records." she is usually up by 6:00 a.m. she enjoys playing board games and eating chocolates. i'm aishah hasnie. greg: has tourism slumped because of trump? a travel company says british youth aren't backpacking around america like they used to and cite trump as the reason why. millenial tourists are down 20%. whenever a. britt -- whenever a britcomes o. if you are a british tourist you have a better chance of finding love. that's how these two found love.

they are too stringy, i think eating parrot would at least get one laugh. >> i own a parrot. how dare you, sir. greg: i thank you, mr. trump for reducing the number of tourists. kat: absolutely. it leaves more room for us to do our outdoor activities. the united states is clearly the coolest country in the world. we have competitive eating. we have marchin -- drive-thru al

speed without leaving your minivan. in texas you can jet ski and shoot a gun in the air. we put macaroni and cheese on pizza and eat it. "happy gilmore" the best film of all times. i went to london once and i didn't even leave my hotel room. i had the flu. i couldn't leave my hotel room. but america is the greatest country ever. greg: that's beautiful. i love how she traced all bad things back to trump. he replaced climate change. >> you don't need a lot of broke ass european kid here. it's the rich ones we want. they will stay in hotels and pay

the sales taxes. i'm look for the museums. greg: heather, you are a business person. in europe, tipping is not a cultural thing. so they come over here and they never tip the bartenders. >> when i go to europe i still tip but that's probably because i didn't know any better. this is a travel agency. it's convenient excuse to blame president trump that sales are down. could it be brexit or europe is entering a recession? i know the european central bank is getting to [bleep]. [bleep]. [bleep]. the economy. i'm saying europe is slowing down. people don't have money to spend to come to the u.s. it's not that they don't like

the u.s. or hate america. greg: they don't have money in their checkbooks. do people have checkbooks in europe? their checkbooks have no money in them. neither do their coin purses. or chimney sweeps. american women are suckers for british accents, and american men are suckers for all accents. tyrus: we are not after the accent. we just look for fun and go back. so you are not coming. greg: yes. so stay away and blame it on trump. blame it on me.

like i said, you stayed in your hotel room, you didn't miss anything. you dream of america. blaming trump for everything. what are you going to do when he actually does something. he won't be impressed. literally, if the world blew up. no one would be excited. greg: i thought we were already blown up. we got to move on. they are yelling at me. a study suggests all hip sisters

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[♪] greg: a story so beautiful it belongs in a gallery. the m.i.t. technology review wrote an article called the hipster effect. while anti-conformists always look the same. when people try to be different from the crowd, they end up look alike. the article showed a stock photo of a guy with a beard and wearing a hot. but the man threatened to sue the review for use this picture as slander. the editor called the photo company to make sure the guy

signed the releases. turns out the model in the photo had a different name and it wasn't the guy. the guy who claimed to be in the photo captured the essence of a hipster couldn't tell the difference between a hipster and himself. he's an idiot. well done. i have been there. sometimes i look at this and i think it's me. [♪] sort of like twins, heather. amazing how the idiots proved the article's point. >> why did m.i.t. do an article on this. why?

that makes no sense. greg: is that when you are at a bachelor party and you are trying to inflate a doll? that was a joke. and i don't care. you know what bothers me about t him hipsters. they can't call their mom. tyrus: they can't call their mom. get off the hipsters' do you know how hard it is to wear a flannel shirt and hat in the middle of summer? you can always found them wearing the damn beanie in the

summertime because they are so against it. change your hat. but it's funny, they all dress the same. >> they wiped their tears after hillary clinton lost the election, then they looked at a brawny wrapper and said let's all look like that. greg: we have always gone this, when everybody tries to be edgy, they end up doing exactly the same thing. >> when you say you don't want a dress code, you end up having a dress code. the problem is when you are starting to like get past that age where you should stop looking like that or like it's a little too much salt in the pepper of the beard. you have got to hang it up. greg: the pocket chain.

i don't like that. >> old dudes -- i'm not saying me -- the jeans are like kinney jeans. that's not d like skinny jeans. that's not cool. kat: hipsters are the worst with their them rimmed glasses and being all skinny and being all sad, like their vaping. i'm a hipster. i'm a hipster. do you like my glasses? i don't need them to see. that's right. i don't need them to see. i wear them because i think they make me look cool. but you know what? america, this is my face.

this is my face. this is what i look like. now everybody probably thinks i look like an idiot. girl. you want to ask about the stock market? greg: if cavuto is watching, he's canceling all the appearances. try russ, can i try them to see what they look like? kat: these are my career. give back the glasses. greg: i turned away from magic glasses years ago. they didn't work at all. >> the girl would walk on the love boat and they would say, she is so ugly.

they would take off the glasses and they would say, she's so beautiful. kat: i put the glasses on, then i make the face. greg: up next. what do you do when you conjoin three taco bell falupass?

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greg: taco bell is making the world a better place. behold the triple lupa. it's three connected. the magical middle features both sauces. taco bell is pitching it as a shareable item. let's be real. who is going to share this beauty? but it got me thinking. what else can we combine into three. like a beer alupa. that's half a six pack. how about a chicken strip alupa.

how about a judge or petalupa. that's twisted. how about a judge alupa. finally how about a loser-a-lupa. my question, do you eat this sober in do you eat this drunk? i will eat anything drunk which is why i don't have pets. it's really smart. it breaks into three, like the human cent speed. but it's like the cover. you can say beer going to share. i will go with the share. it's why mcdonald's has

salads. and this one won't be shared by anybody. it's very smart. greg: it's like sharing your children. if you are an economist-type person. with a deck of cards there are more non-repeat combination of 52 cards than stars in the universe? it's the same with taco bell ingredients. there is a combination of ingredients. they can never stop. they are like a toy shop for fat people. tyrus: say what? >> what happened to the dog? there was a little taco bell dog at one point in time and it's no longer in the commercial. very disturbing. greg: you wouldn't eat that, would you? sure. but then i would work out. i wouldn't eat the talking.

kat: i think it's great it's for people with friends. you can share the. for people with no friends you might be sad enough to want to eat three chilupas. they never occurred at the same time. they just -- if you are eating this alone, then you are probably in a situation where you are going to get some tears. if you are eating two of these alone you probably just watched your dog die while you were being served divorce papers. fast food and tears go together like michael cohen and lying. these are the facts of life, greg.

greg: is this an appetizer for you? tyrus: did you say they are food for fat people? greg: taco bell is like a toy workshop for people who like to eat. that's what i meant to say. tyrus: good luck with that. i think this is what happens when you make a mistake in the kitchen. and someone says, were you supposed to put them all in at the same time? and somebody went -- put it out. that's -- it was a mistake. your great theory about cars and ingredients. they did the same thing three times over. somebody is running out of ideas up there. it's too bad. >> nobody wants different. what they want is more.

greg: don't forget the gutfeld monologues live in washington, d.c. april 6. and detroit, tulsa, dallas. tickets are still available. the way they subscribe to movies. we don't follow the naysayers. ♪ ♪

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really appreciate the time. thank you so much, alex.>> my pleasure. >> this is a fox news alert. im jesse watters, welcome to watters' world. cnn will be heading to court. the lawyer representing covington high school student, nick sandman saying he plans to sue cnn for as much is $250 million. do you remember that sandmann had a standoff with a native american if you weeks ago? >> they really went after nicholas with the idea that he was part of a mob attacking the black hebrew israelites. yelling racist slurs at the black hebrew israelites.